The Bachelor: No Me Gusta or Something Something Spanish Whatever

The dream of America is real, a powerful idea that we can all become our finest selves, create our own identities, become who we were meant to be.  In Juan Pablo's case, the dream is to run shirtless on the beach in Miami and do "consulting for sports and entertainment" which is what coke dealers say they do.  HELLO EVERYBODY IT'S BACHELOR AGAIN.

Let's meet Whan.  Oh, he has a daughter, Camilla Valentina who was born on Valentine's Day and is admittedly pretty cute.  See what having a daughter did to me?  Now I'm soft.  ANYWAY Mrs. Camilla is obvi out of the picture because Whan is here to meet Camilla's New Mommy and also he's brought along his whole family to take reality show backdrop jobs away from Real Americans.  Oh look, here comes Big Dumb Sean to drop some knowledge.  Whan's worried because he "can't remember names."  Just call them all "Kelsey" or "Kristen" and you'll be fine.  Sean doesn't really have any useful advice but there was something about a skunk and 2 a.m. in Burbank that was probably more exciting than it sounded.

OK here's Chris Harrison.  "Juan Pablo fever has reached epidemic proportions," he says.  It's like Avian Flu but more waxed!  Let's see some chix in their native environments.  Renee looks good in a bikini and has an 8-year-old son who is "very athletic" and plays chess.  He could be a good mentor for Sean, actually!  Amy is a "massage therapist" in LA and she is really, really, really into massage therapy.

I predict a bright future in the Massage Therapy industry for Amy.  Nikki is a pediatric nurse who could use a doctor for her terrible roots and her anorexia.  Lauren, 35 but claiming 25, got dumped at some point and has more baggage than a Japanese tourist at a Louis Vuitton store.  Lacy comes from a family with 9 special needs kids and opened her own elderly care home at 20 and wants to find her own special someone to feed Jell-O to.  Claire actually admits to being 32 but could pass for 31 easily.  Her Dad had brain cancer and he made a DVD for her future husband to watch.  Too bad it's just random Animaniacs episodes!

L I M O  T I M E !!!!  CH is about to blow our minds because there are 27 chicks this time!  No, 50!  No,100!  No, a million chicks!  Everyone's a winner!  Oh, no, it's just 27, calm down.  Here they come.  Amy L. is a "local news reporter" who is the type you might recognize from such stories as Opening Of The Northridge Mall or Rain Wettens Local Roadways.  Christine is a "police support specialist," whatever that means.  Hold on, did she just say "I know your daughter is a huge partier" so that's why I brought her this glow stick?  Oh, "huge part of your life," got it.  This season's Black Chick is Chantel, who thinks people will have trouble pronouncing "Chantel" for some reason.  Lucy's job is listed as "Free Spirit" and you can tell she's a Free Spirit because she's wearing some kind of bouquet headdress and no shoes, gross.  Danielle is ambiguously ethnic so we might have 1.5 black chicks this season.  Then some girl rides up on a bicycle slash piano like it's Burning Man.  The fuck.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.  Claire is a hairstylist from Sacramento who shows up, for some reason, with a fake pregnancy bulge because you know being visibly pregnant with someone else's child is the best way to land a mate.  Maggie the Personal Banker has a gift for Whan!  It's a "fishin hook."  OK then.  Kelly's job is "Dog Lover" which might be a job in Georgia but is totally illegal in California.  Alexis turns on the Spanish.  PREDICTION: We are going to hear a lot of bad Spanish this season.  El espanol es muy malo.  Muy muy malo.

OK so Whan wades into the Chickicane and let's get this party started.  Hey look a photobooth.  Nothing says fun like forced frivolity.  Time to chat up some ladies.  The Free Spirit has dead eyes and might be the kind of girl who drives around the country killing 7-Eleven clerks.

You know who else was a "free spirit"? HITLER.

Oh good, Whan has a First Impression Rose to give out.  "It's not just a rose," says Fishin Hook.  "It's my future."  Jesus Christ, Hook, slow the fuck down.  Actually it is just a rose.  Personal Banking is your future.  Do you have goals? Visualize your goals.  You are in control.  Awkward talk with Elise!  Her Mom just passed away.  WAY TO HARSH OUR MELLOW ELISE.  Geez, why you gotta bring the stench of death into the proceedings?  Lauren35 is STILL fucking broken up about being left at the altar.  Lauren. Honey. Therapy FIRST, then National TV.  TFTNT, I always say.  Easy to remember!  LEARN IT LAUREN35.  Anyway, good way to break the ice with JP.  I'M SUPER GOOD AT GETTING DUMPED.  PLEASE HOLD ME.  

Whan seems to like the Opera Singer who lives in Germany.  Oddly, she seems normal.  He proffers the First Impression Rose and she's like what the fuh!  DAMMIT GIRL DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.  Listen bitch do you want to be on TV or not.  Finally she caves and takes it.  They always take it.

Our first Rose Ceremony!  This is a Special Time for us, you guys.  I love being on The Journey again.  Jesus what am I saying I'm scaring myself now.  OK.  OK.  Here are my favorite contestants so far.

Look at the way she's looking at us.  You know she wants it.  She wouldn't wear that jaunty scarf if she didn't want it.  OK, here come the roses.  Renee, Claire, Andi, Chantel, the Dog, the other Possibly Black chick, some other girl, Free Spirit Highway Killer, Nelly Furtado, another blonde chick, another blonde chick, whatever.  Fishin Hook and Lauren35 both get cut.  That's too bad.  Oh, and Massage Chick.  Guess it's back to outcalls for her.

COMING UP THIS SEASON everything will be a lot like every other season.

Best/Worst TV of the Year

The Americans

It's hard to pin down exactly what made this little show about Soviet spies living as Americans in a DC suburb in the 80's one of the best things on TV this year, but I cannot fucking WAIT until it starts up again in February.  The performances - especially Keri Russell as your dream housewife/incredibly dangerous human weapon - were great, but maybe it's the fact that the two spies are at once within and without American culture? Haha, that is some grad school bullshit right there.  But you should watch it.  BEST

Here's the trailer from last season:


Bachelor Sean

This season was even more depressing and boring than most seasons, chiefly because Sean had the personality of a lobotomized chair, and the women weren't much better.  Since recapping the Bachelor/ette is now my personal Sisyphean task in life, I had to watch it, but there was something uniquely difficult about this season.  I wish I had died instead.  WORST

Bar Rescue

Since two of my main interests in life are bars and yelling at people, this show really hit the sweet spot for me.  Angry Jon Taffer, who claims to have rehabilitated 28,000 bars on 14 planets in the last 340 years, blazes into your failing bar and revamps it with a new aesthetic and drink recipes and a new name, usually something like "Boxes and Brews" or "The Road, A Postapocalyptic Bar" or something else equally nonsensical.  He's accompanied by noted mixologists who attempt to teach mouth-breathing 22-year-olds how to bruise mint for a keffir lime mojito when we know they would have trouble locating the open end of a beer mug.  It's totally entertaining.  BEST

Mad Men

I still love this show but last season was kind of a drag, you know?  I mean, it was still awesome and everything but I like TV shows where things happen on them.  C'mon, Don Draper, fucking do something.  BEST/WORST

Breaking Bad

We binge watched the whole series in like a month to get ready for the final 2 months of the show.  It was awesome.  BBREAM.  BEST

Downton Abbey

It's basically the English manor One Life to Live, but who didn't get hooked on watching those crazy Brits fuck around with each other?  I just want it to go on and on and on into the modern age so we can see Lady Mary's hippie granddaughter bring Black Sabbath around.  BEST

How I Met Your Mother

How Is This On TV, more like, amirite?  I don't know, I've never made it through a full episode.  The Wife loves it for some reason but every time I watch 3 minutes of it I'm like Donald Trump at the White House Correspodents Dinner. WORST

World Series

Too much Boston Red Sox.  Not enough Giants.  WORST

Love/Hate

I know I've gone on about this show way too much.  WHY HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED IT YET.  Fuck.  BEST

The Bachelorette: If this dipshit doesn't stop with the godawful "poetry" we may all have to quit

About 18 million years ago, volcanic activity began to create the island of Madeira which was all part of God's Plan so that one day a low-functioning adult could peer off the side of a boat and exclaim "Look at the fish in the water!"  And so we carry on. 

We begin with some guests from last season!  Oh, here's the winner, air quotes, Catherine, who has not shied away from the dessert table since she got engaged to Big Dumb Sean and also a couple of runnerups, Lesley and Jackie, who was barely around for a cup of coffee.  They engage in some forced-giggling faux girl talk and obviously there is some time to kill in this episode.  Nice seeing you guys, anyway.

Solo date with Brooks, who probably owns stock in a mousse factory.  Sadly, they are forced to drive around in one of those little toy cars while Des giggles and narrates in that annoying way that people who read signs as you pass them do.  They have some picnic up on a mountain and both quickly deploy all their cloud jokes.  This is so boring.  At the Outdoor Candlelight Dinner that night, Des is wearing some faux snakeskin sequined miniskirt that isn't doing her ass any favors and Brooks is already talking hometown dates!  He yammers on about how his family is so close blah blah blah at least I think that's what he's saying, he's a mumbler and I can't make it all out and it's boring as fuck anyway so who gives a shit.

Solo with Chris, I think that's his name, the Awful Poetry guy.  They're going on a boat, or, as Chris says, "chillin' boat style, drinkin' some vino," and we have a new winner for the WHITEST THING EVER SAID ON TV, beating out all seven seasons of the Bob Newhart Show.  If they do the "King of the World" shit that everyone now feels compelled to do whenever they're within 50 yards of a boat I am BLOWING SHIT UP.  She thinks he is a "great looking guy" so Jonah Hill must look like Ryan Gosling to her.  At a picnic somewhere, our worst nightmares are realized because they are going to WRITE A POEM TOGETHER.  Oh Jesus.  They don't even try to rhyme anymore, so it just comes out like someone cut up a bunch of Hallmark cards and then taped the words together randomly.  "Together love always we is experience share" and shit like that.  At Candledinner, Des is sporting a different sequined skirt and oh God he has ANOTHER FUCKING POEM.   Oh, this is the one where he tells her he loves her.  I would have loved to see him workshop this one.  "One of the colors I know is blue/And also I love you," no, no, that's not right, "A Japanese island is called Honshu/So I love you."  CLOSER! 

Date with Michael, the whiny 12-year-old diabetic tattletale.  Ugh, he is wearing a button-down tucked into khaki shorts and flip flops, pretty much the prototypical Douche Uniform.  For some reason we are sledding around? The fuck?

Sadly, this thing doesn't tip over or explode and so it's off to dinner where Michael talks about his absent Dad too?  Wait, is that new?  I thought his thing was the diabeetus.  Did he decide to go Absent Dad like all the others?  Then he tells a moving story about his ex cheating on him with some guy in Vail.  I'm on your side, sister.

Let's Double Our Fun with Drew and Human Skull.  Drew says "if you don't get the rose at the end of this date it's going to be stressful" so maybe Drew is rooting for Human Skull too?  They're going go-kart racing!  After the 3 of them take a spin, Des says, "How about you two go at it? Then you don't have to worry about me getting in the way."  Drew likes this idea A LOT!

Then we have a picnic and whatever and oh look, Human Skull has made some drawings!  They appear to be crude representations of places they have been.  VERY GOOD, HUMAN SKULL!  Also, Drew wants Des to meet his severely mentally handicapped sister.  She's probably like Niels Bohr compared to this crowd, so that should be no big thang.  Also a killer way to get a rose, which he does.  Smooth.

Following a brief pre-Rose confab with Chris Harrison, where I think she says Brooks is the current points leader, off to the Rose Ceremony.  Hey you guys, is this season going especially fast or something?  We're already at Hometowns next week?  I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong.  Anyway, what the fuck is Chris wearing?  It's like a Goodwill blazer turned inside out.  Does he not own a suit?  OK, Brooks, then Chris, then Human Skull.  Good riddance, Michael.  In the exit interview he's all sweaty and teeth-clenchy like he dipped into the Evidence Coke.  In the Crying Van, he calls Mom to tell her he got dumped!  "That's ok, sweetie pie," she says.  "She doesn't know what she's missing.  Now come home and I'll make you Fruity Pebbles."

Oh, in the previews for next week we see Des's tweaker bro, so hopefully he will liven shit up next week.  Somebody get that man a pipe!

The Bachelor: Ballbag.

It's hard to say any season of The Bachelor was the "worst season" but this was the Worst Season.  Sean was likable enough, I guess, but he has the personality of a friendly, older Golden retriever and about the same intellect.  Anyway, here we are at what Chris Harrison calls the "historic" three-hour finale, and I guess it might be historic because it contains the most references to praying and prayer since Touched By An Angel went off the air.

This dirty business will conclude in Thailand, where we see Big Dumb Sean's family arriving to aid him in his Journey.  Remember niece and nephew Kensington and Smith from last season?  They're slightly older now and must think this is the normal way grownups marry.  Also, Kensington and Smith.  Come on son.  Here comes Catherine!  Hopefully Sean's family doesn't think she's the maid.  One troubling aspect to this episode is that everyone is traipsing around barefoot.  Disturbing.  Anyway, Mom thinks Catherine is a "lovely lady" and Dad wants to know if she "believes in the Bachelor process" like he's interviewing her for a job as Bachelor Process Lady.  Then everybody cries and she leaves.  I give her a 6 out of 10.

Here comes Lindsay!  Lindsay must have experienced some kind of head trauma on the flight to Thailand because she appears to have lost maybe 40, 50 IQ points.  Maybe it's the chronic alcoholism, I don't know.  Anyway, Dad interviews her and blah blah blah whatever but here's the truly disturbing part.  He says "When Sean was born, we began on that day praying for . . . his wife.  So we prepared every day for her."  WHAT THE FUCK.  I don't even.  Lindsay starts crying.  I would too, faced with this odd revelation.  She tells Mom "our relationship is real" and then cries some more.  Sean later tells us "I think I could have a long happy marriage with both Lindsay and Catherine at this point" and unless Dad was praying to Mormon God, I don't think so.

There will now be Final Dates with each chick.  Lindsay and S will be rafting down the Mekong River, which immediately makes me think of Apocalypse Now.

Tell me that wouldn't be a more entertaining show.  Anyway, they cruise down the Mekong and Sean points out the local features.  "Those mountains over there, that's Laos," he says.  "Oooooo," says Lindsay, who has clearly never heard of a "Laos."  Meanwhile, she wants to know if he'll "shrink down to my size" when he gets older.  Oh fuck me, this is so fucking inane.  Later that night, back to her room for more booze and infantile giggling.  Where did this baby voice shit come from?  He has "everything she's ever wanted in a husband."  I guess that means he has a BevMo card and the complete SpongeBob on DVD.  Then they light some balloons on fire or something, I can't even go on.

Final date with Catherine.  After the date with Lindsay, this will be like finding the fucking Higgs Boson.  There's a ride on a sad-looking elephant and everyone acts like this is a life-altering experience but it's really just like riding a horse but bigger, right?  Over at C's room that night, there is a refreshingly baby-voice-free conversation and C expressing her emotions and crying and she says "I love you" and ABC uses a weird heartbeat sound effect over the whole scene like this is an old episode of "ER" or something.

CUT TO CHRIS HARRISON FOR SOME LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE INTERVIEWS.  "I think it could go either way at this point," says studio audience member.  THANK YOU FOR THE PIERCING INSIGHT STUDIO AUDIENCE MEMBER.

After some Balcony Gazing, her comes Famous Jeweler Neil Lane who has cheapened his personal brand by hitching his wagon to Annoying Commercial Producer Jared.  Then back with the fam.  Everyone cries a lot.  Suck it up, people.  God doesn't like whiners. 

After some more filler and whatnot (including, oddly, AshLee in a leather dress) S has arrived at the Engaging Platform.  First up is Linds and her huge ugly foot tattoo I've never noticed before.  She toddles through the jungle in her aluminum foil dress.  He butters her up a little then hits her with "This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do."  What, solve some simple math equations?  No.  It's dumping Winelina.  She flees back through the jungle and into the Crying SUV.  General Dad is researching the whole drone strikes on American citizens thing.  I WILL RAIN FIRE UPON YOU, YOUR FAMILY WILL WATCH YOU BURN, Lindsay vows.  But in a baby voice.  She will wain fire upon you.

What's this?  A letter?  From Catherine?  What does it say?  "If you are reading this, I am already dead."  No, it's just more treacly bullshit about how she wants to be his wife.  So she hops on up to the Engagement Platform and he does the whole thing and now they're engaged.  He also says she is his "best friend" which seems odd since they've probably spent a total of about 10 hours together.

Then we segue into After the Final Rose for Hour Three and by this point I was a little drunk so my recollection may be somewhat hazy.  Let's trot Lindsay out.  She wants to know where it all went wrong and she's been praying a lot.  SORRY DARFUR, GOT A FEW OTHER THINGS ON MY PLATE RIGHT NOW, SIGNED GOD. Meanwhile, it appears that Billy Bush is tweeting @ Lindsay?

Cleanse breathe eat pray love girl!  I'm writing that down and taping it to my mirror.  That will be my new Personal Affirmation going forward. 

We conclude by learning that Sean and Catherine's wedding will be televised on ABC.  And then Chris Harrison calls Sean a "ballbag."  DROPS MIC, LEAVES.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell Next to Nothing, Bore the Shit Out of Us

Everyone agrees, including myself, that Ken Burns' "The Civil War" is a masterpiece of modern documentary filmmaking.  I think I have watched the entire series all the way through twice, which takes only slightly less time than the actual Civil War.  I was excited about watching it again with The Wife, who had never seen it, because she is from Another Country where they have their own shit going down.  So one night we sat down and I hit play and BOOM she was out cold in less than five minutes.  A few years later Ken Burns' series "The National Parks" came on and we began watching that and BOOM she's out again.  Ken Burns has a particularly soporific effect on The Wife.

So it was for me with last night's "The Women Tell All, " the usual filler that airs every season just before the finale.  Its origin and purpose remain murky, as it seems to exist only to take up space.  Maybe editing the finale takes a long time?  Anyway, last night I fell asleep at two different times while trying to watch this televised Sominex, so my notes are somewhat unclear.

I seem to remember Tierra getting trotted out at some point, yelled at, and then returned to her seat.  Was there something about Sean and Chris Harrison dropping in on people watching the show?  Did that happen?  I think Desiree blamed her brother.  AshLee thinks Sean told her that he didn't care about any other girls, but he says he didn't say that.  Nobody cares.

The only possibly interesting thing that happened to me was that at around 7 pm, there was a sudden spike in traffic to this blog.

What the fuck?  I did some checking and found out that a not-insubstantial number of people were arriving here after Googling various combinations of "magic", "dog", and "Bachelor", which was leading them to this post with "Magic" and "Bachelor" in the title and the word "dog" in the post.  Well, as I found out at 10 pm Pacific time, the show concluded with a moving video tribute to Magic the dog, who apparently hung around the set until he or she died of boredom at some point this season.  To better days, Magic.

NEXT WEEK: Finally this godawful season comes to an end.  They've been teasing lots of shots of Sean at the Proposal Lectern reading some kind of letter and then staring meaningfully into middle distance.  This is GUARANTEED to be disappointing when we actually find out what it is. 

The Bachelor: I'm getting the wiggles too. Not in a good way.

You want to know what dedication is?  After a cross-country flight, one leg of which was spent next to an empty-plastic-water-bottle-crinkler (YOU, SIR, NEED TO BE PUT IN A HOME), I kissed my loving and pregnant wife and then parked myself in front of our TV with a vodka and a sense of resignation so I could bring you, my Loyal Readers, your Bachelor recap.  And you never write or call.  NEVER.  That's fine.

What are we doing here, Thailand?  Thailand.  Thailand looks beautiful.  Let's start out with Sean back in his trusty aqua tank and Wayfarers and have some time-killing recaps of each of the Final Three, complete with a highlight reel and mindless platitudes about each unlucky contestant.  (Example: AshLee has "one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across."  She should get that looked at, probably.)  First date is with Drunk Lindsay.  They hop into some sort of motorized hut (DL: "Amazing") and they're off to the Exotic Sea Cow Market to see some HOLY FUCK WHY ARE THOSE BABY CHICKS DYED NEON COLORS and eat some bugs.  My first impression of Thailand is that it would be a VERY BAD PLACE to take acid.  Then it's time to head on over to Monkey Beach and feed some monkeys and frolic in the surf or whatever.  Outdoor Dinner in front of "traditional Thai floats" and Linds is all "I felt like I was in Heaven" and maybe Heaven really is Disney World on Peyote, just like I'd hoped!

Here comes the invite to the Fantasy Suite.  You know Linds is down.  Fuck, finally some goddam booze, that's what she's thinking.  They bust out some champagne and L giggles a lot and says "I love you" in a creepy baby voice and this somehow unlocks an achievement and she can now go on to the next level.  FUCKING WEIRD.

NEXT!  AdopTee.  Girl looks pretty good in her fishnet-over-tank-top ensemble.  S needs to challenge her, he says, so we're going swimming in a cave?  That's the challenge?  How about playing Hide the Parents or Who's Got My DNA?  That would be a challenge.  Anyway, after a talk about her abandonment issues AGAIN, they're off to swim in a cave.  She's "absolutely terrified" even though they have fucking FLOATIES and flashlights and a goddam CAMERA CREW.  Eeek!  A sudden noise is freaking her out!  It's probably the sound guy's pager.  Jesus Christ, girl, I've had scarier experiences at the Foods Co on Folsom.  Somehow they live through this 2-minute ordeal and make it to a beach on the other side of the cave.  This experience has been "life changing."  Wait until you have to change a tire or make a dental appointment!  You will advance to the Next Plane of Existence.

Somehow they escape from Life Change Atoll and make it to Outdoor Dinner and AshLee is gettin' all sassy what with her Gypset necklace and her engagement ring talk.  HOLD UP GIRL.  Fantasy Suite first.  She's pretty clear that she's not going to be throwing down in any Fantasy Suite.  That's cool, though, Sean just wants to stay up all night and TALK.  I guess the FS comes with an 8-ball in Thailand. 

Finally, it's Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine.  Thailand can be rough on a girl's hair, as we see.  Following another boat trip (Side Note:  Everyone in the world, you can now stop standing on the prow and yelling I'M THE WHATEVER OF THE WORLD.  I give you permission to stop doing this.  Titanic came out in 1997.  It's over.), Cath says she's down for moving to Dallas, as "I'm pretty expired in terms of Seattle."  I love her pidgin dialect!  Semi-outdoor deck dinner.  Sean apparently thinks he's interviewing her for that position in Sales because he wants us to know she has "exceeded his expectations" and asks her where she sees herself in five years.  Not flattened by a tree, I promise you that!  That's a good goal.  Then she launches into a whole thing about how she's not gonna slut up the Fantasy Suite but you know she'd be on that thing like a Monkey Beach monkey on a handful of dates.  "Being intimate tonight is really important," she says.  HA!  I KNEW it.  Tough shit for you, though, because I don't think homeboy is down. 

Time for a sit down with Chris Harrison.  S knows who's getting das boot!  She's "sweet and full of love."  Maybe it's my Dad's dog!  Oh wait, we have private video messages.  Linds only slurs a little.  Cath calls him a "mega-hunk," and thinking about him gives her "the wiggles."  The fuck.  AdopTee weeps throughout the whole thing and I don't care, that chick is a basket case who needs Immediate Medical Attention.

Let's do this thing.  Yay, Drunk Lindsay makes the Final Two!  OK, long suspenseful pause and....it's Cath!  Somebody take away AdopTee's sharp instruments.  Good job, Sean!  You just abandoned her again.  Anyway, she walks off the set and she is one Pissed Off Hot Mess.  Into the Crying SUV and she is basically plotting his death.

NEXT WEEK: That fucking Women Tell All special.  That is always a 100% snooze.  I may skip that this year.  I bet Tierra doesn't even show.  Speaking of, I heard she got engaged!  Didn't take that bitch long to find a healthy host to attach herself to.

The Bachelor: Chill out bro

We have now come to that portion of the show wherein the contestants are no longer satisfied with debasing themselves on national TV and must drag their otherwise innocent families into it.  We will begin in Houston where we find AdopTee and her old lady dog frolicking in a featureless suburb.  Sean shows up and they sit in a field and bore us all to fucking tears about her family and his family and everyone's a reverend and I bet they end up together because they're both total born agains and yawn.  OK, let's go meet these losers.  AdopTee's fake parents are a zaftig duo who enjoy iced tea in the backyard and this is a No Booze family.  Sad.  They seem vaguely troubled by AshLee's tales of romance but c'mon, you two, she got MARRIED at 17, so I bet she's had The Sex before.  Mom gets Big Dumb Sean alone and wants to spill it all about AshLee's abandonment issues and Mom if you are trying to sweeten the deal you are not doing a good job.  Back at the outdoor table, Dad tells the AshLee origin myth and it's sort of boring even by adoption story standards. 

Let's move on to Seattle, where Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine lives in her man-free House of Women.  But first we are legally required to show scenes of guys throwing fish in the Public Market.  Throwing Fish is Seattle's Lombard Street.  In fact, I saw a guy on TV who worked there and he said it was all fake and they have a stunt fish they throw around because you actually don't want to eat fish that's been thrown around like a football.  Fake fake fake.  Anyway, C finds this whole tableau transcendentally joyous, and she loves: (1) "the way he smells" (fishlike, at this point, we assume); (2) his "big beefy arms", and (3) "the way he accepts me for who I am in every way."  Gross.  Sounds like she needs to be with a powerlifting commercial fisherman with a short memory. 

On to Mom's house, where we find Mom, Grandma, and 2 fairly hot sisters.  They're a Booze Family, yay.  I was wondering why no men and then I remembered Dad got shipped back to China after his suicide attempt or whatever.  Anyway, Hot Sisters aren't so into Sean.  C says if he proposes, "I'd say yeah. I want to try this out!" like it's Zumba or the Atkins diet and not the Sacred Covenant of Marriage.  So then Hot Sisters go to Sean and throw C under the bus!  Guess what, Huge White Man?  She has wild mood swings!  She may be bipolar!  She is not ready to settle down!  Thanks, sisters!

Next up: Drunk Lindsay at Fort Leonard Wood, MO, which is the least intimidating Fort name ever.  I guess all the good fort names like Fort Vengeance and Fort Pyre of Enemy Skulls were taken and they were like "Well, Leonard's a good guy, let's just name it after him."  They wander around downtown FLW and stop by the Extremely Confrontational Curio Shoppe.

Sean says "This is more closely related to real life than anything else" and if you can figure out what the fuck that means, call me.  Since Lindsay is driving the train, they head straight for the booze and get some beers.  Then, prior to meeting the fam, we have to detour for some fake Army training stuff and for the second time tonight, S has to do pushups with a girl on his back and why is this now a required feature of hometown visits.  Anyway, on to meet the General and he looks military but like the Nice Kind of Military and not the Crazy Kind of Military.  Booze Family, of course.  The General isn't sure about giving Sean his blessing to marry his daughter but gives some kind of paratrooper speech and then it's cool.  I didn't really understand what happened there.  He gifts Sean with some dog tags and we are outta here.

Back to LA to meet up with Des and the Poors.  They start out with some hiking or something?  Natch, it's the first place people don't stare at the cameras.  Things can't be too bad!  Des's parents have a house!  Oh, no, wait, it's her house.  It looks nice and has a pool?  I guess not everyone in the family lives in a lean-to by the drainage canal! It's also filled with her "art" that looks like Cost Plus threw up on Pier One.

Who's this at the door?  Oh, it's an actor hired by the producers to pretend to be her ex so they can stage a fake fight and everyone is acting a lot and ho ho ho that was so funny.  I actually wish Sean had fucking hit these dweeb in the teeth but he doesn't.  Anyway, here comes the real fam and they might also be actors because no one looks remotely like Des.  Mom has a real ex-hippie vibe and Dad is basically a lump but Bro is covered in prison tats and has that kind of Meth/Mechanic thing going on.  He does not like this whole thing or maybe just doesn't like Love or Kindness in general because he darkly warns Des "Just don't fall for nobody."

Bro wants to "holler at" Sean and they go outside and Bro is very concerned about something called "reciprocation" and also he thinks Sean is a "playboy" which is FUCKING HILARIOUS because Sean makes Mike Huckabee look like Nikki Sixx and I think his idea of being a playboy would be to go to church with a girl without meeting her parents first.  Anyway, they're about two seconds away from a shanking when it's time to go back inside (no booze, BTW, because Bro is probably on parole) and tonight we're having Awkwardness and Tears for dinner.

Following a tense recap with Chris Harrison, it's time to hand out the hardware.  But wait!  In a SHOCKING BREACH OF ROSE CEREMONY PROTOCOL, Des needs a minute and tries to apologize.  OK, we gotta move on here.  AdopTee gets one, then Drunk Linds, of course, and then...oh no!  S needs another minute and goes to the Secret Room to look at their pictures.  Christ.  Chris Harrison tells him to pull the fucking trigger already.  With that, Des gets dumped.  I hope her Bro doesn't have Sean's home address.  Into the Crying Limo with you.

NEXT TIME:  Fuck, there's more shit TONIGHT?  "Sean Tells All"?  The fuck is that?  I don't know about that.

The Bachelor: Hot, Gross, and Thirsty

"Ya'll been in a seaplane before?" is the first thing we hear descending over St. Croix and no, Sean, we most certainly have not been in a seaplane before.  Let's get our Solo Date with AdopTee on, who Tierra labels a "cougar" because she's 32!  Well, I never!  First of all, 32 is NOT THAT OLD and second, I don't remember what second is because I'm old.  Anyway, they manage to get about 10 minutes into the date before Adopt brings up her abandonment issues and they swim out to a boat and then hit the beach and talk about.....Tierra!  Perfect.  Then the classic Making Out in the Surf and I hope she has cleared this whole thing with her team of psychiatrists.  For the Night Portion, we are having Outdoor Dinner By The Sea and AdopTee has a secret!  Guess what?  She got married at 17!  And then divorced, we assume, although she doesn't bring that up.  Oh, BFD, sweetie, who hasn't had a regrettable HS marriage?  Then for some reason she stands on a chair and yells "Ï LOVE SEAN" and ok, ok, please get down off the chair now.

Solo Date with Tierra. Strolling around St. Croix, Tierra is "Hot, Gross, and Thirsty," which is never mind I don't even want to get into it.  Following a totally impromptu and not staged by ABC at all Local Color Parade, they relax and talk about why Tierra can't get along with anyone! Nothing really comes of it.  Night Dinner is in the ruins of a sugar mill that is 100% haunted and T announces that she is "falling in love with him" and he will certainly "take that into consideration"!  The romance is strong here!  Fuck this shit.

It is 4:42 a.m., as the time on the screen alerts us.  Sean creeps into the Chick Bunker with night vision goggles on.  PEW PEW PEW one bullet between each of their eyes and all the rest of the girls are dead.  Haha, I wish.  No, they are actually being forced to get up WITHOUT MAKEUP!  Geneva Convention, where are you?  Drunk Lindsay, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, and Katie Holmes are off to see the sunrise.  Luckily, this is accompanied by mimosas!  DL is already getting the shakes and sobs with relief as she sucks down her drink.  Then we're off for a Tour of the Island which thankfully for Lindsay includes frequent Booze Breaks.

Next we stop by a treehouse and Des must relate to this kind of living situation having been a poor herself.  Then the oblig frolicking on the beach, wherein DL attaches her face to S like a remora.  Oh wait, Catherine has a secret too!  She has 4 Dads and one of them is in China?  I'm tres confused.  Is she the product of some bizarre genetic experiment or what's the deal here?  It's very cry-y whatever it is.  Oh one of the 4 Dads tried to kill himself in front of the kids!  That's terrible!  Catherine, just be like Lindsay and Drink to Forget.  Des wants him to meet her family.  That should be great, as long as he remembers to bring some cans and bottles!  Meanwhile, Drunk Lindsay gets the rose, yay!

Solo with Lesley Bugeyes.  S wants to "sit and talk." Oh great, asshole, everyone else gets Helicopter Bungee Jumping or Skyscraper Rappelling and I get Sit and Talk.  We're off to an old rum factory or roof factory, I'm not sure which, he was mumbling.  All ruins look about the same anyway.  She has a secret too! It better be good because 4 Dads has set the bar pretty high.  I hope she has at least 3 Moms.  No, wait, her secret is that she's falling for him? L A M E.  Call me when you had a kid with James Franco or huff paint on weekends, Lesley.

Guess who else is on St. Croix?  Sean's sister!  She's a ruddy lass who wouldn't be out of place smiling and holding an oar in the J. Crew catalog.  For some reason S wants to introduce Tierra to her!  But back at the Chick Compartment, there is a fight underway between Tierra and the girls!  I got distracted by her ringworm.

Tierra's parents said she had "a Sparkle"! Don't take away her Sparkle!  And there's something about how she can't control her eyebrows?  It's no 4 Dads, but it'll do, I guess.  Anyway, S arrives just as Sparkle is weeping on her loneliness cot and after a brief period outside staring meaningfully into middle distance, S tells T-Dog it's time to go!  The producers are not going to be happy about this.  In the Crying Van, T once again returns to the topic of her Sparkle.  Sparkle on, playa!

Some Serious Shit has gone down here and there will be no Cocktail Party.  Lindsay looks crestfallen.  We will proceed to the Rose Ceremony.  Dee gets one first, then 4 Dads and AdopTee.  Bye Lesley!  Meanwhile, why is Catherine decompensating?  YOU'RE SAFE GIRL.  I mean, for now.  No way you make it to the end.  Who wants 4 father-in-laws?

NEXT WEEK: Home visits! The General! Cath's hot sisters! Desiree's brother is a dick!  I guess his food stamps ran out early this week!

The Bachelor: This is now a slog

"The Special Two Day Bachelor Event continues," Chris Harrison cheerfully tells us.  TSTDBE is my Personal Circle of Dante's Inferno.  Instead of the usurers crouching on the burning sand, the Bachelor Recappers are forced to watch over and over again night after night and there's never a Rose Ceremony and Tierra keeps inventing new ways to fake injury and there's no alcohol.  Anyway, we're now in Canada.  Banff Canada.  BAMF.  Banff. Banff Canada.

Solo date with Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine.  She is taken to a glacial wasteland and left for dead.  No, she actually is abandoned there until Big Dumb Sean arrives in the tunneling machine from the original Total Recall.  This leads to some frolicking in the sub-zero blizzard and whatever.  I'm sure AEC is praying for some indoor activity, but night brings us to a fucking OUTDOOR CARRIAGE RIDE and then drinks in an Ice Castle that's made of ice and hypothermia.  AEC wants to get meaningful and tell us "why I am the way I am" and proceeds to tell us the story.  When she was 12, she was at summer camp.  This already sounds like a Friday the 13th installment.  She was walking down a narrow path in the woods.  Her best friend was walking ahead of her.  THEN.....JASON APPEARED AND SAWED HER FRIEND IN HALF WITH A CHAINSAW.  No, that's actually more plausible.  What really happened is a TREE FELL ON HER FRIEND AND KILLED HER.  The fuck.  This has shaped her entire life since and that's why she's looking for....I'm not sure exactly.  Somebody to walk ahead of her, I guess.  She gets the Traumatic Tree Falling rose.  TIMBERRRRRR.

Group Date at the Lake.  Lake Louise.  Why is Lake Louise that color.  Chemicals, I bet.  More canoeing!  One Arm Sarah must be psyched.  They get to the other shore and it's time to bikini up and Polar Bear Plunge into the freezing waters of Lake Louise.  Not everyone is psyched about this.  Drunk Lindsay's down, though!  Her permanent .08 BAC will ensure that she doesn't freeze up.  Selma's out.  AdopTee says it will make her emotionally vulnerable.  So would having coffee or boarding a bus, though, so no surprise there.  Anyway, everybody into Lake Chemical Peel and it's fine except for Tierra of course who immediately develops some hypothermia and is wrapped in foil and taken away by a team of medics hopefully to the middle rack of a preheated 450 degree oven.  Anyway, back at the hotel, treatment apparently involves a nose tube and a sandwich.

Sean comes to reward this shameless attention whore and tells her to miss the party tonight and GEE I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Night drinks.  Finally something indoors.  All the chicks who managed to survive the chilly waters of Lake Magnesium get some solo time.  Sarah decides to show him a bunch of childhood pix.  Dude, boring.  Wait on that shit, k?  BTW, her handicap isn't having one arm, it's that fucking stoner voice.  Project, damn you!  Diaphragm!  Of course T-Pain gets suited up and makes an appearance because she was faking, duh.  S makes a beeline for that shit but my girl Linds is already a couple of chardonnays in and breaks that shit up.  YOU GO LINDS.  Shockingly, Lesley and not T-Pain gets the rose.

Afterwards, Sean makes a special trip up to Chick Suite to dump Sarah personally.  I told you those baby pix were not a good idea, girlfriend!  Aww, she's very sad.  It's all gonna work for you, Sarah! 

Solo w/ Des.  We begin with some rappelling, like duh, there has yet to be any season of this show that didn't involve rappelling.  Blah blah blah, they make it to the bottom, picnic, giggling, they climb a tree, that fucking ad with the rock climbing and that banshee howling "SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OWWWWWWPENNNNNNNNNN" comes on.  It's time to fucking bury that ad.  Nighttime.  Teepee with indoor fire.  It's like having a date inside a chimney!  Des, as it turns out, has her own hardscrabble tale of growing up as a Poor and living in a tent and a trailer and it's very sad but it's not like a tree fell on her BFF or anything.  S and Des are perfect for each other because they are both just about as vapid and boring as each other.  She gets the Poverty Rose, which she sells for a block of cheese and a few crusts of bread.

Finally it's time for the Drinks Party.  Selma breaks her religious code of honor or whatever and kisses him.  Way to bring shame to your family!  Oh, yay, it's Drunk Lindsay's turn.  She's giggly-drunk tonight and when S asks her to tell him something about herself she says "My face is a mask of joy, but my soul is tortured by ten thousand lifetimes of pain. I am born and reborn into a dark universe."  Kidding!  She says, "I sleep naked!"  That's what she says.  Oh, Linds.  You are Human Mardi Gras Beads and I love you.  AdopTee appears and decides she hasn't gotten quite fucking weird enough yet, so she gives him a handkerchief and tells him to blindfold her for some bizarre Trust Ritual and starts crying about being abandoned and she needs WAY MORE THERAPY than this show will provide.  Her whole steez is "I'm a complete basket case and emotional head-on train collision and I will repeatedly demonstrate that to you but hey PICK ME LET'S GET MARRIED."  Somewhere there is a team of psychiatrists who can't wait to get their hands on her.

Rose Cer, finally.  GUARANTEE you T-Pain's not going anywhere.  OK, so 3 of them already have the hardware.  Drunk Linds gets the first one, yay!  AdopTee, because how can you kick her off after her crying jag?  Then Tierra, of course.  See ya, Daniella and Selma.  They cry appropriately and leave.

NEXT WEEK:  The tropical paradise of St. Croix for the usual diving-off-the-back-of-a-yacht and Tierra crying.  Fuck that bitch.

The Bachelor: Tierra del Fuego

BOOM with that headline.  See what I did there?

So it appears the Montana Tourism Board or whatever has ponied up because we're off to Big Sky Country which admittedly does look nice and it's a shame it's wasted on these idiots.  First Solo Date is with Drunk Lindsay, who I kinda love.  It appears to be morning but Linzshy may already have been hittin' the bottle, based on her first question of the day.

No, Linds, it's a Vertical Powered Drinks Elevator!  CLIMB ON IT AND LET'S GET SCHWAAASTED.  As if the White Man hasn't visited enough indignities on the Native Peoples, we're off to the Blackfeet Reservation for a picnic at which nothing happens and then YOINK commercial and then POW it's nighttime and Big Dumb Sean is toasting the "incredible" day they had and I guess that part was edited out.  Time for Lindsay, who is only at about half-slur, to talk about her childhood and here it comes ABSENT DADDY was off in the War and that's why we're so clingy and Blood Alcohol Content-y.  She gets a rose and then we stroll into Downtown Whitefish for a concert by Wendy Darling or something and the Happy Couple can dance on an elevated platform above the massed citizenry of Whitefish.  How come it's always country?  Why can't we ever have scenes of the happy couple dancing to dubstep or witch house?

Group date.  Apparently Arabic is in a turban of some kind and looks like LADY GINA - ALL QUESTIONS ANSWERED - PAST PRESENT FUTURE - or maybe Joan Crawford in "Mommie Dearest."

I don't have a picture of Selma's headdress so just use your imagination.

The gals are headed out for some Outdoor Activities and there are some goats imprisoned in crude wooden devices and shit's about to go DOWN and one of the pack goes "Oh my goodness are those dogs?"  That really happened.  I rewound it 4 times to make sure.  I hope to fuck someone just said "Yes" and let it go so whoever it was can tell the story of how she milked a dog for the rest of her life.  ANYWAY, this turns into one of those bullshit team competitions with canoes and moving hay from place to another and then goat milking and then Desiree chugging a jar of goat milk and then VOMITING SPECTACULARLY right into Daniella's weave oh no wait that last part didn't happen.  I mean, the chugging did but not the vomiting.  Des takes her goat juice like a champ.  In fact, S. says "You took it like a champ."  I'm just leaving that here.

So at night we're in some bar or restaurant and the winners get to spend the eve with S. except he feels bad and INVITES ALL THE LOSERS TO COME TOO.  What the fuck is the point of having a competition then?  Desiree looks stricken, because she just poured a quart of raw unpasteurized warm goat fluid down her throat FOR NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL.  Selma and her turban are fucking FURIOUS.  I'm with you, girl!  Let's put on our suicide vests together, my Desert Flower, and blow this thing straight to hell.  Oh here comes Tierra too.  She wasn't even on this date but here she comes sneaking up on S while he's trying to do his interviews.  Do you really want to marry this stalker bitch?  Like what happens when you go to Bowling Night?  She's gonna pop up behind the ball rack or be watching from the parking lot, slowly plunging a knife into the seat and repeating "You are mine, my dear. Come back to Mommy."  Meanwhile, back at the bar, it's Daniella's turn to get all weepy and insecure and naturally this gets her a rose.

OK, 2 on 1 date with Tierra and Jackie and let's not kid ourselves, there is NO FUCKING WAY Jackie is going to be the winner here.  The producers obviously love the fuck out of Tierra because she's a nutbar.  Anyway, we start with some horseback riding or whatever and then J. gets Sean alone and tells him some story about Tierra flirting with someone in an airport? Or something? This is supposed to have some effect, I guess?  Here's a tip, Jacks, skip the story about Tierra being nice to the skycap and maybe focus on her OBVIOUS PERSONALITY DISORDER.  Later after dinner it's time for Tierra to tell her story.  Oh, OK, I see now.  She was with some guy who was in and out of rehab and then died.  Or else he tried to go to the movies without her once!  I would take a good look at that autopsy.  Anyway, Jackie, we hardly knew ye.  You have just become Tierra's Next Victim.

C-Party.  Oh fuck, we have to do this 2 nights in a row.  That's just starting to sink in.  Anyway, Des has finally figured out the way to stick around is to act crazy and desperate, so she gives that a shot but then kinda fucks it up by talking smack about Tierra.  Oh, right on cue, Tierra is in mid-tirade when Sean just happens to walk by, nudge nudge, as she's in the midst of a complicated metaphor in which she is the scorpion and everyone else is a shoe to hide in or something I didn't catch the end.  Anyway, S. tries to get the dirt on the T-Monster but all Lesley can manage is that she's cold and unfriendly.  That should do it, great job girls.

Finally we get to the fucking rose ceremony.  Who are our lucky winners this week?  Apparently Arabic, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, Chipmunk Cheeks, AdopTee, One Arm, and Katie Holmes.  Sorry, Other Black Girl, your time has come.

NEXT WEEK:  Next week is fucking TONIGHT.  Ugh, for fuck's sake.  Why do you do this to me, ABC?  Fuck you.

The Bachelor: "Here For the Right Reasons" makes a surprising and welcome return

I'm going to jump right in and elide over the weekly gratuitous shirtless Sean establishing shots and get right to solo date with Apparently Arabic Selma who we learn quickly is Actually Arabic Selma from Iraq and is almost certainly going to be honor killed after this episode.  The prospect of this solo date leaves Big Mouth Billy Bass in tears for some reason but FORESHADOWING.  Anyway, Big Dumb Sean and Apparently Arabic are off in a private jet and Selma makes a lot of references about how she could get used to this and she seems generally a little gold-diggery.  They're off to the desert, so Selma should feel right at home!  Oh, she doesn't like the desert.  I guess you can take the girl out of Iraq and can take Iraq out of the girl after all.  They hike about 50 feet from the parking lot and AA is already bitching about the heat and the snakes and she would be the worst insurgent ever.  "My AK-47 is SOOOO HEAVYYYYY!" "This keffiyeh is ruining my makeup!" Anyway, they do some rock climbing and AA proves to be some kind of rock climbing savant but bitches the whole way.

Night brings us to some kind of kitschy faux trailer park that a little Googling reveals to be "Hicksville Trailer Palace and Artist Retreat" in Joshua Tree.  Here it's time for outdoor drinks and no food and no kissing because AA's Mom is watching and will stroke out if she kisses anyone on TV.  Mom didn't agree with her being on the show and Mom is now the most rational person we've heard about.  So there's a lot of G-rated cuddling and a long conversation about how they wish they could kiss and I wish for a speedy and painless death.

Next we have assembled a bunch of the chicks in the mimosa limo and we're off to a group date.  What do you think we'll do?  Maybe solve some simple math problems?  No, I'm kidding.  It's something they can actually do: roller derby!  I bet Lindsay's down with anything if there's booze involved.  Hey, tangent, but what the fuck is up with Tierra's forehead?

Maybe she Pinterested this:

Anyway, let's get to some roller skating.  Poor One Armed Sarah isn't very good and starts crying.  Now I feel bad!  I can't roller skate either, Sarah!  It gets better.  Anyway, AshLee stops by for a pep talk.  "Hey, at least you weren't passed around foster families like a rototiller!"  There, that's better.

BOOM!  Amanda goes down.  On skates, I mean.  Get that thought out of your head.  She hits her chin and the medics think it might be broken and some 12-year-old intern takes her off to the hospital.  The whole incident scares the Bachelor Insurance Carrier and so roller derby is canceled in favor of "free skate" to "Foolish Heart" by Journey and now everyone feels nauseous, not just Amanda.  Night brings us to the roof of the downtown Roosevelt and Lindsay's slurring already!  I love that boozer.  Oh, here comes Amanda!  No broken jaw.  Maybe some meds, though!

Meanwhile, somebody forgot to pack Tierra's apple slices and peanut butter because girl is having a meltdown!  Just as Lindsay manages to slur out "Joo bnringya baving soot?" and get bikini'd up to hit the hot tub, here comes fucking Tierra to stage an Uncool Intervention and blubbers to S about something I'm not sure what I got bored and started checking Twitter.  Then he gives her a rose!  WTF!  You're not supposed to reward bad behavior!  He should have swatted her on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.  BAD DOG, TIERRA.

Next up: Solo Date with Big Mouth Billy Bass.  They take off in one of the producers' midlife crisis/trophy wife bait car to do some shopping at something called Badgley Mischka and I have some bad news BMBB, they have dresses on their website for like 300 bucks so it's not like ABC had to siphon their Cayman account for this spree.  WOOOO, A THOUSAND DOLLARS! WHEEEE.  Dinner is in some abandoned warehouse/set for "Hostel: Part IV, The Cringing."  There's no spark and BMBB is shown the door but not before warning him that some girls are not Here For The Right Reasons!  I've missed you, Here For The Right Reasons.  Let's not fight ever again.

Scenes from the cocktail party: Other Black Girl makes semi-dirty chocolate references. Tierra continues to be in Low Blood Sugar Crazy mode.  Hilariously, she tries to get street when she talks to OBG and wants to "squash it."  OK, Tierra, we get it, we saw that Afterschool Special too.  Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine oddly hands him a card with a lipstick print on it.  WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO SIGNIFY.  Tierra stares into the camera.  She is becoming Bane from the Batman movie before our eyes.  "You must be strong and get what you want," she says.  "Destroy your enemy. True strength comes from within. Now I need to moisturize."

Here are the ones he has decided to keep: Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine. Katie Holmes. Drunk Lindsay. Bug Eyes, OBG, AdopTee, One Arm, Sucka Freee, and Just Jackie.  Sorry, Amanda!  Back to Newport Beach to resume your Fit Model lifestyle.

NEXT WEEK: Oh for fuck's sake, 2 nights in a row?  Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck.

The Bachelor: Magic Mountain Not So Magical

After our standard establishing shots of the Bachelor mansion and Sean's chiseled abs, we are informed that our night will begin with a Solo Date with Lesley, the semi-adorable bug-eyed "political consultant" from somewhere in the South by way of DC.  And like any good tourist in LA, they're off to the Guinness World Records Museum. (Yelp rating: 2 stars. "The supervisor who says his name is Mr. Casey and weighs about 280 lbs holds the Guinness World Record for most angry person at people who have coupons for entry." SICK BURN.  But if you're using a coupon to get into the Guinness Museum, you have little room to cast aspersions, my friend.) Guinness World Record museums are a feature in any tourist dump like Hollywood Boulevard or Fisherman's Wharf or Gatlinburg TN.  They're the museum equivalent of funnel cakes or glitter t-shirts.

A N Y W A Y, here comes Chris Harrison to inform the lucky couple that they will be attempting to break the world record for longest on-screen kiss.  It appears that the producers have done a good job of sweeping Hollywood Boulevard of the usual Dregs Of Humanity and maybe even tossed a hobo 10 bucks to fill out the crowd behind Chris.

The record, it turns out, is 3 minutes and 15 seconds and we have to sit through it and that's a long time in Bachelor Years and Holy Jesus am I glad Sober January is almost over.  Watching this show under any circumstances is a burden to man or beast, but doing it sober is an exquisite Guantanamo-type torture.  I guess they win or whatever.  For the Night Portion, they repair to the roof of the Roosy and instead of blowing rails and banging 19-year-old aspiring "actresses" from Cedar Rapids like usually happens at the Roosevelt, they have champagne and make out.  I guess the fireworks budget is all out because the date ends with a fucking CONFETTI CANNON like what is this, a 6-year-old's birthday party? Why not have a clown or a Bug Guy and be done with it?

GROUP DATE TIME.  Sean is on the beach wearing an aqua tank top and Ray Bans like he's the villain in an 80's college movie.  Frolicking ensues, until Chris Harrison appears again.  He has 2 days of stubble and is still drunk from last night.  He announces a cutthroat game of volleyball.  The winners will get precious time with Sean.  The losers will be forced to watch The Bachelor.  No one is very good at volleyball.  Manface begins weeping.  Oh, now Big Mouth Billy Bass is crying too!  Luckily her mouth will catch those tears, along with any catawba worms in a five-foot radius.  Memo to the producers: Not picking One Armed Sarah for this event constitutes Cruelty to Viewers.  Come on son.

For the Night Portion, the "winners" all hang out with Sean and drink.  Drunk Lindsay says he's everything she's looking for and she's getting a little weird and obsessive.  Meanwhile, Desiree, who has her hair done up like she's the secretary in a noir movie, says "I think differently I think than a lot of people" and I'm sure you do sweetie.  She enjoys the beauty of life and is happy every day!  So does a Yorkshire terrier, for that matter.  Meanwhile, there is some feud between Amanda and Desiree and who really gives a fuck but Kacie decides she's gonna go tell Sean about it and if there's one thing you learn on this show it's that snitches always get capped so this is extra-dumb even by Kacie standards. 

Solo date with AshLee the AdopTee.  But before we can begin, OH NO Tierra has taken a nasty tumble on the stairs.  Sean shows up and "as a guy who's had several concussions" diagnoses T with one too.  OH I BET YOU HAVE SEAN.  Anyway, she refuses medical attention and I guess the whole thing is a ploy?  Whatever.  On to the date.  Let's go to the orphanage and do some window shopping!  No, we're going to Magic Mountain.  The producers have bought out the place and they have it all to themselves like they're Michael Jackson.  Oh, wait, here come couple of Sickly Kids, Brianna and Emily.  Brianna is clearly in a bad way but Emily looks FINE except for some of those carpal tunnel cuffs and I mean I hate to sound judgy but Repetitive Stress Injury is hardly Make A Wish Foundation material, Emily.  AshLee is like great, competition, it's just like the adoption thing all over again.  Anyway, they ride the rides and Sean DOMINATES at Ring Toss and he's all IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BRIANNA!!  SUCK IT!!!

Moving on, we're treated to a concert by Sean's allegedly "favorite band" the Eli Manning Band or something.  It's solid Generic Country, in case you're curious.  Later, they ditch the kids and AshLee recounts her awful childhood and adoption saga and hey, just throwing this out there, is Adoption Stories a show on TLC yet?  I bet that would be good! 

Cocktail Party!  At least someone gets to fucking drink around here.  Oh, Sean's got a surprise for Sarah!  It's arriving by limo.  Maybe it's the Ultra Arm 2000 with flashlight attachment and Bionic Grip and Your Choice of Manicure Settings.  Oh, crap, no, it's Leo the Dog.  Admittedly, Leo is pretty cute.  He should have a show.  The rest of the party consists of Tierra trying to bodycheck everyone away from S and Kacie wandering around in some kind of swimsuit dress trying to fix her fuckup from the other night.

The Rose Cer begins with a SHOCKING DEVIATION FROM THE NORM.  Sean takes KC out and rejects her personally because I guess they're friends or whatever and hopefully this is the last time we see her.  If she is the Bachelorette next season or something I will fucking shit.  Anyway your Rose Recipients are Munchausen Tierra, Big Mouth Billy Bass, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, Sucka Free Daniella, the Other Black Girl, Apparently Arabic, One Arm, Just Jackie, Angry Amanda, and Katie Holmes.

So our cuts are Manface and Grandma.  Bonne chance, you two.

NEXT WEEK: Tierra decompensates when Angry Amanda plays Hide the Seroquel.

The Bachelor: What Is the Sound of One Hand Clapping?

We begin over at Chick Mansion, where Chris Harrison swings by to hand out the gonorrhea test results.  YOU'RE ALL WINNERS! Oh no, wait, those are Date Cards.  It seems that Right Handed Sarah will be going on the first Solo Date of the season.  Hope it's not archery!

Perhaps to atone for the shocking lack of helicopters last season, Sean arrives in a chopper for the oblig ride over LA.  There's downtown, there's a parking lot, there's a nightclub in the Valley where you'll someday do an Appearance for $300 and 2 drink coupons.  Whatever.  Let's move on to the next part: some kind of bungee jumping off a building in LA!  That seems good because if Sarah's trying to hold on she'll be easy to push off.  They jump, no one dies, yawn.  In the night portion of the date, they hang out with some booze and Sarah relates a tragic tale of how she was denied the opportunity to zip line in Vegas because of her one-armed status.  That's mean!  Her Dad told her she needs a husband who knows how to handle situations like this.  Like what, one-armed ziplining?  I guess if we move to an all-zipline mass transit system, that's true.  Anyway, Sean looks ready to let Sarah one-armed zip line into his heart.  Awww.  Sarah's only had one Serious Relationship and it sounds like it ended because he wasn't spontaneous or exciting enough.  Dude, if you can't keep a one-armed girl on her toes, you're not even trying. 

Group Date!  They pack about 13 chicks into some limos and head out to a butt-ugly yellow-tinted faux White House New Money mansion.  Oh good, they're going to practice being cover models for Harlequin romance books.  The "winner" will be on some real books!  So now you'll be famous!  At least to semiliterate diabetic 47 year old obese divorcees, or whoever reads those things.  I'm sorry, that's terrible.  I'm stereotyping.  Maybe Harlequin romances are Jonathan Franzen novels with more making out and PG-13 sex, I don't know.  Anyway, the whole photography thing is just as excruciatingly painful and embarrassing for everyone involved as you might imagine.  In the end, Kristy the "model" wins, what with her Man Face and her 3 pounds of makeup.  Congratulations, I guess.

Night finds us, as it often do, boozing by the pool.  Lots of facetime for Lesley.  She even breaks up Sean's hang with Daniella from SF!  STEP OFF BITCH, THAT'S NOT HOW WE ROLL IN THE SUCKA FREE.  Meanwhile, ambiguously ethnic Catherine informs Sean that she likes to say "I'm vegan, but I love the beef."  GET IT? SHE LIKES PENISES.  That is so funny!  Sean has a big fake laugh and says "That's so great!" but it's not great.  It's sad.

Sadly, Yoga Teacher is not happy.  Maybe because of what happened to her hair.

She says this "is not the right setting for her" and leaves the show.  I guess she's never watched a single episode and thought it would be all healing crystals and green tea when in fact it's all vocal fry and Costco champagne.

Next up, a Solo Date with Desiree, who is just as cute and perky and intelligent as a grey squirrel.  What WOULD be an ideal date is gathering acorns and self-grooming.  What they ACTUALLY do is some kind of painfully unfunny Candid Camera/Punk'd type gag where they take her to a faux art show and then someone pushes over a supposedly valuable art when she's like 6 feet away from it and she's supposed to be all scared and freaked out but instead just looks around like WTF and at this point I'd rather watch commercials.  Following this interlude which I desperately hope gets some producer fired, it's back to the Bach House where Sean pulls a couple of fake steaks out of the oven and they sit outside to ignore the fake food and drink.

[DIGRESSION: Speaking of fake food, if you're interested in an ear pick made to look like 2 cuts of yellowtail sashimi, I've got a source for you.]

Des says her parents are "the cutest people" she's ever met!  Hopefully they're dwarves who like to dress up as gnomes.  Or maybe they're meerkats!  Sean and Des agree that it's easy for them to talk, which makes sense because they communicate at about a 5th grade level.  After some piercing conversation about their Favorite Colors and Where Everything Goes When You Close Your Eyes,  it's time to perch by the hot tub, which is making SUCKING GRINDING NOISES and I hope Sarah's other arm isn't caught in there.  She gets a rose and yes, Internet, we know she looks like Katie Holmes.

On to the Cocktail Party,.  Lindsay apologizes for getting so drunk the other night.  GIRL, I'M NO STRANGER TO THAT FIGHT.  Oh guess what?  You're never going to guess.  She wants to marry her best friend!  She must be on the wrong show.  Meanwhile, AMANDA IS NOT HAPPY AND WHEN AMANDA IS NOT HAPPY AIN'T NO BITCH GONNA BE HAPPY.

I think she's unhappy because the producers have given her some kind of yellow dress with fake flower shoulder pads to wear.  Oh, and because she apparently forgot to bring a fucking comb.  Meanwhile, Robyn wants to know if S. is down with dating black chicks and he's apparently a Model U.N. because he's been out with Hispanics, Persians, you name it.  Across the room, Akkikiktok smiles gently, caressing her harpoon.

OK, let's throw some roses around.  Our girl Daniella gets one!  Also Where's the Beef, Grandma, Big Mouth Billy Bass, and Rat Hair.  We have 2 cuts: The Other Black Chick and Horse Face With the 2 Kids.  FUCK, kids really do ruin EVERYTHING.  Oh, and remember Yolanda Yoga went back to Space Mountain voluntarily.

NEXT WEEK:  An ambulance is summoned after one of the girls is grievously injured in a horrific bronzer accident.

The Bachelor: Pick the drunk one! No, the other drunk one.

Like the passing of the seasons or the rising of the tides, once again nature has inexorably provided us with our semi-annual Journey wherein we will meet a yachtload of mentally deficient singles who want to be on TV and aren't here to make friends.  This time, our lucky winner is Human Lamppost Sean, whom we see staring meaningfully at the ocean and who feels that "God has another plan for me."  Hopefully it doesn't involve reproducing.

Sean is duly transported to LA and ensconced in the Bachelor House where he passes the time slicing up some strawberries when good buddy/metrosexual icon Arie drops by.  Last we saw these two, they were competing for the affections of Emily, but both were lucky enough to dodge that particular bullet.  They bro hug and sit down for a brochat.  Arie uses the term "catch feelings" and they're just one Coors Light away from making out when sadly, we cut to commercial.  When we get back, Chris Harrison has appeared.  Let's meet some of the cheftestants!

TIERRA is from Denver and is wearing some kind of sideways cross pendant that I think means she's a half-satanist.

Diana claims to be 30 but her subtitle says 31 and she appears to be 38.  She has 2 kids and I hope she enjoys the free cocktails because that's about it for her.  Sarah, 26, is from LA, works in advertising, and has stoner eyes and one arm.  This is not a euphemism.  I guarantee you there are a bunch of guys out there who are SUPER INTO this.  Ashley has "no idea" why she's single.  She's all into 50 Shades of Gray, which the producers hope makes her dangerously sexy but at this point is about as transgressive as an episode of "Maude."  If they really want to be provocative, the producers should have her be into dolphin sex or scat play.  AshLee (sic) is a little FAS and was apparently adopted after being dumped by a bunch of other foster families.  SO NEEDY.  This ends our video journey around the US to meet these chicks.

Time for Limo Intros, or the Parade of the Desperate Anorexics.  Daniella claims to be from San Francisco but looks more like a Girl Gone Wild from Antioch to me.  Someone left Kelly from Nashville in the oven too long.  She's a "cruise ship entertainer" which I bet.  Katie is a yoga instructor and looks like one with her bare feet and her health food store hair.  Lacey "but a lot of people call me Lace" OH I BET THEY DO ON THE SET BABY is from Valencia and more than a little porny.  Paige, "Jumbotron Operator" and now they're just making shit up.  But I guess someone has to run the Jumbotron?  Tierra shows up and Doorknob is so impressed by her ring finger tattoo that he runs inside and gets her a rose ASAP. 

Keriann is an "entrepeneur" who is wearing a dress made out of recycled trashbags that trails behind her like squid tentacles.  Sean deploys the "oh, poor thing" voice when the One Armed Bandit arrives.  Seriously, though, this chick has a great angle - who's gonna be the dick who cuts the girl with one arm?  WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  Kristy is supposedly a model but looks a little old and a little MTF to boot.  Lindsey is wearing a wedding dress that the producers gave her, apparently to show how kooky and k-razy she is, but she's approaching blackout drunk so maybe that'll do it instead.

But wait!  There's one final member of the Mensa chapter!  Oh, it's Kacie, who we last saw getting dumped by, who, Ben or Brad or whoever the fuck it was.  She's grinning like a maniac and seems to have lost about 30 IQ points.  Oh, it seems that she and Sean have met before!  I bet they hit it at one of those bacchanalian Bachelor parties you hear about and now she has to get him to marry her or her father will honor kill her. 

Time for the Faux Hangout Party.  Let's see who gets drunk.  Sean is apparently throwing roses around left and right.  Desiree and Selma and even Downward Dog get one.  Oh, awesome, Shitfaced Lindsay slurs her way through an awkward convo and now here's 50 Shades girl, who also looks to be about 3/4 of the way through a bottle of Ciroq when she starts what I suppose she thinks is sexy dancing and then pushes her way into his field of vision and even poor Sean says he wishes he had his "rape whistle."  I wish I had hysterical blindness right about now, Sean, but we can't always get what we want.

Unilimbed Sarah sits down with Box of Rocks and confesses that she's had trouble with guys.  "They feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms."  Sadly, she was dating a semaphore instructor!  THTS SD SRH

OK, Chris Harrison is back to restore some sanity to the proceedings.  "Sean is possibly the most sincere bachelor we've ever had on the show."  Meanwhile, somewhere in Austin, Brad seethes at his TV.  "What did he say?  More sincere than me?  FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON, FUCK YOU TO HELL."

Let's give out the stems.  GGW gets one.  So does Drunk Wedding Dress!  Awesome!  I guess getting drunk really does pay off.  That's essential to my Life Plan, so I'm glad to see it manifested elsewhere.  Sadly, Crispy Cruise does not make the cut.  She doesn't know what he saw in the other girls that he didn't see in her!  Oh, I don't know, Kelly, maybe pliable skin?

NEXT WEEK:  I don't know, we go somewhere and chicks are forced to debase themselves for this nematode, I guess.