Anatomy of Date Night gone wrong

When you have a kid, Date Night is a big deal because you get to go out with your Life Partner and someone else is taking care of your deal and so you want everything to go right because it doesn't happen that often.

Last night, everything did not go right.

The first part of the plan was to meet up with some friends at a Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named at around 6:30.  This plan was immediately complicated by the existence of April 20, which used to just be the day in April between the 19th and 21st but somehow in the past few years became 420, a big party in Golden Gate Park near our house where a bunch of stoners stand outside and smoke pot inside of sitting in their living room and smoking pot like normal people.  As a result, thousands of brain-damaged youth get someone to cover their shift at Carl's Jr and drive their cars from Concord or Antioch or whatever into a tiny corner of the city where my house is.  A trip of about 10 blocks leaving my house and heading for the Mission took about 15 minutes.  We were going to be very late.

[Not sure why this GG Park thing started.  It didn't happen a few years ago.  I blame Facebook.]

We got to the RTSNBN a little before 7:00, so actually not that bad!  It was very crowded.  Very, very crowded, which seemed odd for a Monday.  But the waitress appeared relatively soon and we got our drink orders in by say 7:00 p.m.

The FIRST INSTANCE OF CREEPING DREAD came when the waitress disappeared for the next 30 minutes.  No drinks, no taking our orders, nothing.  HERE is where I should reveal the rest of Date Night: we were going to see Porchlight, a monthly storytelling series at Verdi Club.  As it happens, one of our friends would be performing.  To make it more interesting, he was going on first, at 8:00 p.m.!  There's no way we wouldn't be done with dinner by 8 if we arrived at a nearby restaurant at 7, right?

Right?

Drinks appeared around 7:20, brought by Someone Who Was Not Our Waitress and in fact did not seem to know the names of the drinks.  We still have not ordered food.

The SECOND INSTANCE OF CREEPING DREAD came when I managed to flag our waitress down like I was a Semaphore Flag Operator in the Navy in 1942 so we could order food.  Now, at this point, I'm thinking, "OK, 7:30, get the food by 7:45, choke it down violently like a wolf eating a dismembered rabbit, and we can still make it by 8:00."  I asked for the check as we ordered to make this impossible dream feasible.

The THIRD INSTANCE OF CREEPING DREAD came when we passed 7:40 with no sign of food, waitress, drinks, anything.  I pulled out my Flare Gun and shot a flare at the ceiling.  It bounced back onto floor and spun crazily, sparks shooting out in every direction.  The waitress somehow saw us.  "We're trying to make an 8:00 show," I said.  "Is there any chance we'll have our food soon?"  She said she would check.

Having already paid, we finally got up to leave at 7:55 p.m.  We never got any food.  There was a manager type at the door.  He explained he knew what was going on, presumably because the waitress who could have been using her time getting us food or drinks was talking to him.  There was some confusion about whether he could just box it up or whatever but I think we concluded he would just credit our cards back.  TO RTSNBN'S GREAT CREDIT, it looks like they completely refunded the whole meal, drinks and everything.

We made it into the Verdi Club right around 8:00.  Saw our friend perform.  He was great.  At 8:15 I walked/jogged in a dizzy low blood sugar daze to the McDonald's on 16th and Potrero and Jose set me up with a Quarter Pounder with Cheese (for me) and a Filet O Fish (for my Date).  We ate them huddled in the corner of the Verdi Club like animals.  It was delicious.  

Last Night a QPC Saved My Life

By then, all the seats were filled and neither one of us felt like hearing any stories.  We watched a little standing in the back of the room and split.

I want to reiterate that RTSNBN did the right thing, maybe even more than the right thing, by totally refunding us.  The 2 free drinks apiece were nice.  But still, man, you gotta get your shit together if you're serving the public.

There will be other Date Nights, but there will never be another QPC that tastes as sweet.

"Book of Mormon," eh.

Sorry I've been slacking off here; I've been busy.

We went to see "Book of Mormon" at the Orpheum.  The problem with going to see BOM is that it is so wildly overhyped at this point that it was bound to be disappointing.  I mean, when Penn Jillette says it's better than The Clash, the Sex Pistols, and George Carlin, if you don't LITERALLY orgasm during the performance, it's a letdown.  (Penn Jillette orgasm video via Generic, thx.)

I didn't literally orgasm.

Here's why I think it's so popular:  it marries conventional musical structure to a mildly subversive plot (Mormon missionaries go to Uganda and encounter benighted brown people; Mormon religion exposed as ridiculous) and transgressive language ("Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth and cunt").  It gives people permission to laugh at things they normally couldn't laugh at, like someone else's religion, AIDS, Africans, and female genital mutilation.  People like to be shocked, and it's (sort of) shocking.  And it's occasionally funny; not as funny as most episodes of "South Park," but it has its moments.

For me, it was about a half-hour too long.  It really drags at the end of the first act and beginning of the second, and then wraps up far too quickly and neatly.  The songs all sound roughly the same - like someone was trying to write songs that sounded like they were From a Musical, which I guess is actually true.  And there is the whole race problem which I won't get into here but other people have taken a look at.  I guess go see it if you love musicals and think "I have maggots in my scrotum" is hilarious.

Burrito!: The Musical

Inspired originally by a tweet from Dan Jackson, with additional comments by BurritoJustice and others.

Act I

Carlos and Esmerelda are the proprietors of La Tradición, a small, independent burrito parlor that serves a loyal and grateful clientele.  Each burrito is lovingly handcrafted, and they use only the finest ingredients.  People come from far and wide for their specialty, the "Burrito Zafiro," made with a blue tortilla.

Song: "Beans and Rice and Love"

One day, Bobby, a loyal customer, warns them that a major burrito chain, Burrito Bandito, is coming to town.  Bobby worries that Burrito Bandito's massive ad campaigns and cheaper burritos will put La Tradición out of business.

Song: "Horsemeat and Spray Cheese"

Carlos and Esmerelda assure Bobby there's nothing to worry about; people will always choose higher quality over cheaper price.  Bobby is not so sure.

Song: "Old Navy Blues"

Meanwhile, Carlos and Esmerelda's daughter Gabriela has some exciting news: she has a new beau, Roger! She brings him around to meet her parents, and they are pleased.  Roger is a nice young man who is polite and respectful, not like Gabriela's ex-boyfriend Gaspar, who played in a punk band and joined an underground anti-gentrification cell.

Song: "New Love Is Like Guacamole"

One day, a stranger comes into the store.  He introduces himself as E. Conommy Ofscale and tells Carlos and Esmerelda he works for Burrito Bandito.  They greet the stranger warmly and offer to prepare him a Supreme with Carne Asada to welcome the new business to town, but he refuses, explaining that he doesn't really eat burritos. Ofscale tells Carlos and Esmerelda that they had better get ready; Burrito Bandito is coming to town and would crush them like it crushes all its competition - with ultra-cheap mass-produced burritos, an ad campaign targeted at Thought Leaders, and plenty of Tostitos brand salsa.  Carlos and Esmerelda look aghast.  "What, you don't put lettuce in your burritos?," Ofscale asks.  Esmerelda faints to the floor.

Song: "What Have You Done To My Burrito"

Gabriela and Roger arrive just as Ofscale leaves.  The old couple, distraught, explain to them what just happened.  Roger, who has a business degree, volunteers to try and help Carlos and Esmerelda fight the corporate behemoth.  They gratefully accept his offer.  Great, he says.  He'll just need to look at their books.

Song: "I'll Just Need to Look At Your Books"

Burrito Bandito opens nearby and immediately crowds are drawn to its huge dining room and cheap prices.  To Carlos and Esmerelda's shock, Burrito Bandito introduces a new, special menu item, the "Burrito de Blue Tortilla," made with a blue tortilla, just like La Tradición's Burrito Zafiro!  Carlos and Esmerelda don disguises and visit the new competitor.

Song: "Don't Mind Us, We're Just Know-Nothings With No Sense of Taste Here To Sample Your So-Called Burritos"

Carlos is shocked.  "It's the same tortilla as the Burrito Zafiro!," he exclaims.  "How could they have gotten our recipe?  We're finished, Esmerelda, finished!"

Act II

Burrito Bandito is booming while business at La Tradición has fallen off, largely fueled by the runaway success of Burrito Bandito's Burrito de Blue Tortilla.  Carlos and Esmerelda are sadly contemplating closing the store.

Song: "I Will Water My Cilantro With Tears"

The next day, a mysterious young man comes into the store.  He peruses the menu and asks for an al pastor with no cheese and extra jalapenos.  As Carlos prepares the burrito, he suddenly realizes: "Gaspar! Is that you?"  The man smiles and nods, removing the Google Glass and startup sweatshirt he was wearing as a disguise.  "Yes, it is I!," Gaspar says.  He tells them he is here to help them battle the evil corporate chain.

Song: "A Molotov Is the Spiciest Salsa Of All"

As they talk, Gabriela and Roger arrive.  The old lovers at first trade barbs, but it is soon apparent that beneath their frosty exterior, there are still feelings between them. After Gabriela and Roger leave, Gaspar tells Carlos and Esmerelda that he is suspicious of Roger; something just didn't seem right.

Song: "Yuppie No Bueno"

One night, Gaspar and some other members of LENGUA, the Loyal Eternal No Gentrification Underground Association, plan to break into Burrito Bandito.  Matty, a recent UC Santa Cruz graduate with a degree in Ethnic Studies, wants to burn it to the ground, but Gaspar cautions against this.

Song: "Chill Out, My College Marxist Brother"

Instead, Gaspar convinces the group that gathering information about Burrito Bandito will ultimately prove more worthwhile.  The team agrees and, under cover of darkness, they break into Burrito Bandito.  What they find shocks even these hardcore revolutionaries - stacks of cans labeled "Bean-Flavored Product," bags of raw pigeon meat, and, worst of all, the secret ingredients for La Tradición's Burrito Zafiro!  As they photograph the scene, a startled Roger emerges from a back room.

Song: "Holy Shit What the Fuck Are You Doing Here"

"I knew it!," Gaspar exclaims. LENGUA notifies the police, who soon arrive and arrest Roger for Second Degree Burrito Embezzlement.  LENGUA publishes the damning photos.  Burrito Bandito is finished and closes in shame.

Months later, we are at the wedding of Gaspar and Gabriela. La Tradición is thriving once again. Carlos and Esmerelda tearfully reflect on their good fortune, their station in the burrito world firmly fixed.

Song: "Burritos (Make the World Go Round)"

Here are the problems with Les Misérables the movie

1. It's way too fucking long.
2. Literally almost every line is sung, even just incidental conversation.  Like one guy says to another guy "Are you looking for that horse?" and he has to sing it without any particular melody or tune.
3. Russell Crowe singing.
4. Anne Hathaway doesn't look so great with her hair cut off.  Also - SPOILER WARNING - she dies, but it's never clear exactly what she dies from, unless you can die of Bad Haircut or Being Poor.
5. The dude that plays Marius looks like he just wandered in from another film, maybe something about surfing or smoking weed.
6. It's way, way, way too fucking long.  Like when you think you see a glimmer and we're starting to wrap shit up BOOM here comes another hour.
7. Samantha Barks has like an 8-inch waistline.  It really looks weird.  She looks like you could disarticulate her and pack her torso and legs side by side.  In fact, that would make the movie much better.
8. The Marius dude tries out being a poor revolutionary and when that doesn't work out it's all WHOOSH BACK TO THE ONE PERCENT with no apparent misgivings or guilt.  Hey, I don't blame him for it.  Being fabulously wealthy and banging Amanda Seyfried is way better than being poor and not banging Amanda Seyfried.
9. MORE SPOILERS HERE - Hugh Jackman also dies for no apparent reason.  He doesn't look particularly ill or old.  He's got baggy eyes but that's about it.
10. Sacha Baron Cohen is in it.
11. The guy in front of me in the theater audibly went "Hm" after every scene as if he was reflecting on what just happened.  He "Hm"d about 200 times over the course of 6 or 8 hours or however long it was.
12. Why does everybody have an English accent? They're French, not English.  Even the Americans have an English accent.  It would be way better if everyone did a French accent and they whole cast sounded like Pepe Le Pew.  That would rule.
13. It's too long.

The Bachelorette: Beheading looks good right about now

Know how I can tell we're in London? Because there is an Ironclad Rule of Stupid TV that whenever you are in London, you must show a red double-decker bus and play Rule Britannia. And that's what they do! Along with the usual establishing shots, i.e., Buckingham Palace. "We don't have anything like this in Charlotte," Ems says, I guess because Buckingham Palace isn't a strip mall with a Jiffy Lube and a Subway.

Our first solo date today is with Sean, a strapping lad with the intellect of a three-toed sloth. We begin by taking a bus tour of Famous Locales which Emily describes Just. Like. This. She. Is. Obviously. Reading. Off. A. Card. Look. There. Is. Westminster. Something. We have a so not planned in advance completely impromptu stop at Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park where Sean is summoned to deliver a speech the producers have provided him with about why the government owes a duty of care to its citizens no I mean about his parents are in love or something. Excruciating. Remember this word. It will appear again.

For dinner, we cavort over to the Tower of London where, Emily informs us, "King Henry lived." Oh, wait, "King Henry Eighth used to put all his wives locked up here and he beheaded two of 'em." Fantastic! Once again, no one touches their food. And Emily seems genuinely shocked that Sean, who is 28 years old, had his last date 4 months ago, and whose greatest fear is "forgetting my wallet," has not seriously considered how many kids he would like to have. Jesus Christ Emily not everyone whelps at 15 or whatever like you did and spends 24/7 thinking about how they can overpopulate the planet with vapid future sorority girls.

Through a little space between my fingers which are covering my eyes I can see we are off to Stratford Upon Avon to dig up Shakespeare's corpse and urinate on it and make it dance or something. Oh no, wait, we're just going to mug our way through 3 scenes from "Romeo and Juliet." Of course some of the guys have to play the Nurse and put on women's clothes and HA HA HA HA YOU ARE DRESSED UP LIKE A LADY SO FUNNY. There are some boring rehearsal scenes and then they do their little thing in front of a crowd and I recognize some of the people from the Hyde Park scene and I think the producers have paid a group of down-on-their-luck Brits about ₤25 to ride around in a van and watch some Americans debase themselves. Beats working! Ryan cannot stop talking about Arie's "woman dress" and, to paraphrase Shakespeare, methinks the steroid-addled crapmonkey doth protest too much. Here's that word again! Excruciating.

TIME FOR THE BIG DRAMA CONFRONTATION. You ready for this? OK. So. After the "performance," we are off to Ye Olde Pub for some pre-poured pints and while Sling Blade or somebody is off entrancing E it comes out that Krylon called Little Ricki "baggage" and that is Very Mean and everyone pretends to be outraged even though it's technically true and they're all thinking it but Ryan Phillippe from Cruel Intentions is the only one with enough balls, ironically, to say it. So this gives everyone the vapors and Doug runs to Emily to tell her about this disturbing news and she becomes overcome with emotion because Little Ricki is the Most Important Thing to her except when she's gallivanting all over the globe for months on end during the Brad season of The Bachelor.

I have to admit, though, when she said she was going to go "West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on his ass," I did have mad respect for that. Also: Girl fight!

The Big Confrontation. Doug is the Oprah here and seems to be running the show. She asks Krylon if he said it and he says yeah basically and she tells him to get the bleep mouth blurred out. Then shit gets confusing because E goes on a rant that will last the rest of the show about how nobody said anything about Krylon's heresy but WTF didn't Doug just tell her? I don't fucking get it.

Let us try to gather our shit and somehow move past this soul-crushing devastation and go on a solo date with Boy Band Hair Jef. Wow, he is wearing an outfit that took somebody in the Boys' Department at Ross easily 5 minutes to assemble. The first part is some boring British stuff with tea and then they're off to the Bell & Crown which, sadly, does not enjoy positive Yelp reviews, although you will enjoy this if you read it in a Cockney accent: "Nearly a fiver for a bitter and a pack of crisps?!! WTF sell walkers please not poncey tyrrells."

Since the whole Baggage Incident still weighs heavily on Emily's little slip of a mind, Jef decides to get into it and comes up with "If Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever."

WAIT WHAT.

Little Ricki (as visualized by Boy Band Hair Jef)

"Chloe," as I learned from asking The Wife "What the fuck did he just say?" last night, is a type of purse apparently. I don't know what is more bizarre, Jef's generous working knowledge of women's accessories or his stated desire to possess Little Ricki in the form of an $1800 purse forever. Weird weird weird.

OK, off for another uneaten meal. This time, it's dessert in the London Eye.


Some kind of a parfait thing? Looks delicious. WHY WON'T ANYONE EAT THEIR FUCKING FOOD THIS SEASON.

ANYWAY, blah blah blah sounds to me like Jef is auditioning for Em's best friend, not boyfriend. Oh, he does sketch out a creepy vision of "dance parties" he will have with Ricki while Emily's away. Emily, sweetie, hidden webcams. Invest. In a few. Just a thought.

At the cocktail party Sling Blade appears to be wearing either a hoodie or some kind of swashbuckler wear under his jacket. All Em wants to talk about is the Baggage Incident. Oddly, she doesn't ask to see Jef's handbag collection. Anyway, Alejandro, the San Francisco Mushroom Farmer, gets cut which is no big surprise because Little Ricki's gotten more screen time than he has. Let's move on.

Here for the Right Reasons Count: A disappointing 2.

The Bachelorette: This Is Terrible

Boy, and here I thought Ben from last go-round was bland and featureless, but I have to say Emz makes him look like a ADD kid judging an espresso contest. This is going to be an even tougher season to get through, and that's saying something. So anyway, might as well get to it.

First solo date with Ryan and his mental patient haircut. Seriously, what in the FUCK was he thinking coming on national television with that Sling-Blade-meets-Japanese-teen getup? He feels that this date will feature something "incredibly special, like a plane ride," and that about sums about Ryan's level right there. LOOKIE A PLANE WHOOOOSH UP IN THE SKY. Sorry, Ryan, no PLANE YAY for you. Instead we'll be making cookies at Em's house! Because she is the Snack Mom this week! Ryan's game right up until the apron challenges his sexuality and he looks visibly uncomfortable because this is Girl Stuff. Yucky! Later, he will sit in the car and watch the kids from a distance as Em delivers the goods. This couldn't get any creepier if he were wearing dark sunglasses and a trench coat. Both of them have the personality of a box turtle and this makes watching paint dry seem like a Michael Bay film called PAINT: THE WATCHING and it would star Nicholas Cage and Samuel L. Jackson locked in a paint-watching duel TO THE DEATH.

For the nighttime portion, Em dresses up like a Bellagio hooker for a "fun night out" in Charlotte. Based on what we've seen of Charlotte, this probably entails church bingo and then a stopoff at the Sonic. No, wait, they're off to a deserted restaurant to have an EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING talk about relationships and whatever. He gets the Please Kill Me If This Doesn't End Soon Rose and then they pop outside in time to catch something called "Gloriana" who are basically a low-rent Lady Antebellum, ugh, I can't believe I can actually make that reference, and then they dance on a raised platform while the crowd around them rapturously takes cell phone video of them. What the fuck is going on in America these days.

Ready to have the Muppets ruined for you forever? Then come along on this group date, where Em and a bunch of losers will put on a show to raise money for some fake charity that The Bachelorette people probably just created. Oh look, it's Kermit and Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy has really turned into a kind of psychotic bitch. One second she's coming on to all the dudes and the next second she's all threatening to cut a bitch when Emily is hitting on Kermit. Whore. So there's this whole thing with Brain Injury Charlie and apparently he got the stage fright real bad and so instead of making him one of the dancers or something they put him in the Fake Talk Show segment where everyone will be watching him and he is the focus of attention so nice job with that ADA accommodation, producers. Whatever, I cannot talk about this variety show thing any more, it is so painful.

Nighttime portion. Here we have Tony, the "lumber salesman." I conclude Tony is the Secret Gay this season.



Come on, Tony.

Meanwhile, what the fuck is Dacron wearing? He looks like J. Crew threw up on Miami Vice.



Now she's buttering him up too! In fact, she tells fucking EVERYONE how good-looking they are! Even the guy with no chin and a lazy eye! Everybody gets the "You are so good-looking" treatment. Even Hadron! Speaking of which, he is pretty much Ryan Phillippe's character from "Cruel Intentions" come to life, but less good-looking and a little more fey. Eventually, Boy Band Hair Jef gets the I Can't Even Believe I Got This Rose.

Another solo date, this time with Joe, surprise, she thinks he's "really cute" too, even though he has wind tunnel hair and a flat face. They're off to West Virginia by private jet, not by Greyhound or hitchhiking with a Megan's Law registrant like most people get to West Virginia. Oh, they're going to the Greenbrier, which is actually totally famous and got 4.5 stars on TripAdvisor. She's looking for a "spark" but good luck because this guy is DOA, personality-wise. Like "Where do you want to be in five years?" she goes and he goes "Happy," like wow, dude, great fucking answer, really had to dig deep for that one, huh. THANK GOD she kicks him off and now he can go back to boring the women of the Greater Los Angeles Basin.

Back to the Dazzling Lights of Charlotte for our Cocktail Party. The highlight of this is Sling Blade presenting Emz with a handwritten like 15-page fucking letter on college ruled notebook paper that he insists she read RIGHT THEN and it's all blah blah blah we had funz u r a sweet ladee and Tony has to stand off to the side while she agonizingly reads the whole fucking thing. Ugh, I'm starting to think Ryan is a bigger douche than Krylon. Speaking of, Sav-On and his prosthetic lower lip appear and he does whatever his version of trying to impress her is, and we learn he came with Louis Vuitton luggage, which seems about right.

Rose Ceremony. Some guy with a ponytail gets to stay, ugh. And Charlie! Aw. Oh, and 'Party MC Stevie." LOL. Two guys we don't know get the boot. They are the Lucky Ones. We have been left behind.

The Bachelor: The Crying Game

I got distracted by the BCS Championship Game and missed the first couple of minutes of The Show, which means I probably missed the swooping helicopter shots of the Sonoma Valley and Chris Harrison saying "TONIGHT, ON THE BACHELOR," so instead I tune in right as Ben and "Kacie" (ugh) are embarking on their solo date. Is it just me, or does Kacie look exactly like EVERY OTHER GIRL THAT'S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW? There's a factory in Shenzhen China where grossly underpaid workers get RSIs working 18 hour days cranking out Bachelor contestants. Kacie is the apotheosis of their craft. This is the first time "apotheosis" has been used in a Bachelor recap.

BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND. Ben, as we will be informed repeatedly, LOVES his home, Sonoma, and so he and Kacie take a moonlight stroll through a COMPLETELY DESERTED POST-APOCALYPTIC DOWNTOWN SONOMA, I mean seriously, is this like a "Walking Dead"/Bachelor crossover? WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? She says "It's like we're the only two people on Earth right now," like NO SHIT KACIE, I'm starting to wonder if we've all been raptured or something. Anyway, they have a dinner at an otherwise-deserted Girl and the Fig and it's time for more Dead Dad talk. FORESHADOWING. She collects her rose and it's off to the Sebastiani Theater for a TOTAL MINDFUCK, get ready for this. They sit down expecting to see the latest creatively bankrupt Jennifer Anniston romcom or something and instead we're treated to Kacie's childhood home movies. Sure, mortifyingly embarrassing, but whatever. But then the producers really turn the screws with Ben's old home vids, featuring prominently, of course, Dead Dad. FUCK. That is some fucked-up shit to be pulling, producers! Love it. Anyway, cry cry cry and then they make out in the post-nuclear Sonoma town square.

Group date with 10 or 12 or whatever of them. I can't be bothered to learn their names yet. That comes later. It seems that they will be performing a play written by a bunch of kids! It's called "Dragon Ball Glen Ross." No, not really. First all the chicks have to audition for the kids. This is almost as demeaning as real auditions. Whoa, one kid asks Nicki to do a "sexy dance." I might have CPS ask around at that kid's house, just saying. So they're putting on this play at the Community Theater and it's called "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" because you know kids would think of a title like that. I'm bummed it's not "Sir Scotch of Skid Row," but you've got to keep the alcohol references high-class when you're dealing with kids. They're barely old enough to drink wine coolers. All I know is that this play features Blakeley as a Sexy Groundhog or something.



Anyway, this "play" also features Ben in a sheep costume and I can already hear the Furry Message Boards exploding and the whole thing is borderline inappropriate and we're all glad when it's over.

Back at the Sonoma Mission Inn, THERE IS GIRL DRAMA. Everyone hates Blakeley and now it's Samantha's turn to retreat to the bathroom. These chicks hit up the bathroom more than hipsters at Delirium. We segue into a pool party and Ben is fucking making out with everything in sight. Maybe all those bathroom trips! Blakeley "super believes in her kissing skills 100%." Girlfriend is doing something right because she gets a rose. This makes Jennifer cry and cry. Crying and bathroom trips. This is our season.

OK, solo date with fish-eyed "model" Courtney. They're off for a picnic along with Ben's dog "Scotch." Scotch has taught Ben that he wants children! Ben, not Scotch, I mean. Well, maybe Scotch wants children too. He and Ben apparently have a lot of soul-searching late-night convos, so who knows what else Scotch has taught Ben. In the Night Phase of this date, they're off for the obligatory Outdoor Dinner, this one in a vineyard, of course. Ben regales Courtney with tales of his "partying" and his life of excess in the Krazy World of Internet Advertising. Whoa, remember that time we all finished that bottle of Skyy and then ordered room service to someone else's room? That was quite a lollapalooza!!! Crazy days, crazy days. Courtney's dated an actor, she says, but she had to dump him when she found "underwear in the bed." Apparently it's something named "Jesse Metcalfe." Is that an actor? I don't know. She gets a rose. Of course. She's a fucking model.

OK, pre-Rose Ceremony goings-on. Ben makes yet another speech about how much he LOVES Sonoma. WE GET IT ALREADY. He has a little private time with Lindzi or however you spell it and she goes on and on about how she drives a truck and wears dirt for makeup and doesn't know what high heels are and likes to watch wrestling and anything else she can think of to persuade him that she is actually a man. GREAT STRATEGY THERE. Ben's trying to get some face time with all those chicks and Blakeley keeps barging in. This makes everyone hate her and everyone wants to go to the bathroom and cry now.

Oh, here comes Trainwreck Jenna! Being around girls is "very abnormal" for her. I'd say being in any kind of situation without her Seroquel is "very abnormal" for her. Naturally, the stress of interacting with others is too much and she collapses into a crying jag. Jenna is not equipped to handle things like being on national TV or when the vending machine fails to dispense her Sun Chips. Meanwhile, Blakeley sees everyone else's Obvious Bid for Attention and joins in by going off to cry behind the luggage. Ben finds her there on his Fun Trip Around the House collecting the decompensating bags of tears. Quite a crew we've assembled.

Let's get to the cuts. Some chick I've never seen before and Trainwreck Jenna. She responds by stoically accepting her fate and acknowledging that it's not that big a deal. No, I'm shitting you, she totally fucking falls apart and will need years of therapy to deal with this shit. She "can't believe it." Really? Because I can totally fucking believe it. Nobody wants to date an Emotional Plane Crash, and Jenna, you are the Tenerife Airport Disaster of women.

Jenna's psyche, upon learning that Netflix streaming is down.

NEXT WEEK: SF. I wonder if there will be any interaction with cable cars?

Negative Ticket Pricing and You

From the estimable Mission Mission (via the lesser-known but still very nice I'm sure Slob on My Blog) we learn that "$1,800 VIP tickets to Kreayshawn’s New Year’s Eve Show are sold out."

Sayeth MM:

Here’s what you could’ve gotten had you acted faster:

• Luxury Limousine transportation to and from the show
• Red Carpet Treatment (Sound Check attendance, Pre and Post-show Meet & Greet, VIP seating)
• Personalized Engraved Limited Edition NYE Pot Leaf Dog Tag
• Limited Edition Signed T-Shirt – designed personally by Kreayshawn and autographed at the show. Design to be revealed prior to performance!
• Admission for (6) six to Kreayshawn’s NYE 2011 show

Bummer, dude.

Appended to this disturbing story is the following comment:

It's all well and good to go to a show if someone pays you to do it, but the more interesting question is how much you would pay not to go. This is a subject that we have discussed for years: NEGATIVE TICKET PRICING.

What is NTP, you ask? Simply put, it is the amount of money you would pay to NOT see an event. In other words, if a deranged, meth-addled Nickelback fan (I know, redundant) pulled out his rusty fish-scalin' knife and held it to your ribs and said "You ARE going with me to see Nickelback live in concert at the Sleep Train Pavilion," the NTP is the amount of money you would give up to get out of that kind of dark and sad fate. (Incidentally, my Nickelback NTP is around $80-135, depending on how much I have in the bank and with the realization I'm going to need at least $100 to get blackout drunk at the show just to make it through.)

SO, for example, the NTP for any kind of Glee-related production is about $75. Not sure how much I'll need in reserve for drinks because I don't know if they even sell alcohol at shows like that. The repetitive Eagles reunion tour tickets are always something ridiculous like $300, which exactly mirrors the NTP for the same show. In fact, the basic rule for any Formerly Huge Arena Rock Powerhouse that has reunited is to flip the actual ticket price and that's the NTP. (EXCEPTIONS: Cheap Trick and Judas Priest).

For any kind of dinner theater, it's about $30. If there's any type of audience participation, it goes way, way up. Maybe $50. For a Comedy Hypnotist, easily $100

The NTP for the Vans Warped Tour is your age multiplied by 1.5. So if you're 18, it's $27, but if you're 38, it's $57, and if you're 38 and you wouldn't pay $57 not to go to the Vans Warped Tour, you're probably a Megan's Lister.

Let's see who's coming up at the Oakland Arena!

Katy Perry, November 21! Hmmm, I bet there would be a lot of hot Moms there. Nevertheless, I'll go $29 not to see her. I also note that there are "Katy Perry VIP Packages" available. The Katy Perry NTP VIP Package includes a bottle of Wild Turkey, transportation away from the show in a repurposed SuperShuttle, and a cassette of T. Rex's "Electric Warrior."

Live 105's Not So Silent Night, December 9, featuring Jane's Addiction, Mumford & Sons, Florence & the Machine, Bush (!!!), and Young the Giant. Ugh, Huge the Puke. Wait, Bush is still around? What the fuck? $68.

Bob Seger, December 21. It would be almost worth it to count the grey ponytails, but on the flip, you would have to sit through "Turn the Page" and that truck commercial. I'll throw down $50 not to go and I'll drive to Konocti Harbor, where this show would have been held if Konocti Harbor hadn't shut down.

Oh, and Kreayshawn? Hell, I'd not go see her for $5.

What about you guys? What would you pay not to see Lady Antebellum? Yanni? Sting? Skrillex? ($76, $110, $63, and $254, respectively, for me.)

UPDATE: Right on cue, Groupon pops up with today's deal: "One Ticket to See Pink Martini at Paramount Theatre in Oakland on November 20 at 7:30 p.m." It's $22 for balcony seating. There's something sad about selling tickets for your show on Groupon. Anyway, I don't know anything about Pink Martini at all, but based on the picture, the name, and the Groupon blurb - "The sonic ensemble of Pink Martini dazzles listeners with a multilingual repertoire that spans classical, jazz, old-fashioned, and pop genres" - I'll also pay $22 not to go.

The sad inevitability of change in the modern world and whatever

There is no way I'm going to be able to do this without sounding like an asshole. Luckily, I'm used to that.

We have learned that the Red Vic movie theater on Haight is closing.

Later this month, 31 years to the day after it became an instant landmark in the Haight-Ashbury, the Red Vic Movie House will close.

"Our closure is 100 percent certain at this point," co-owner Claudia Lehan said. "On July 25, our birthday screening of 'Harold and Maude' will be our last, I'm sad to say."

Now, of course it is always sad when a business closes down, whether it be the Red Vic or any other business. (Speaking of Haight Street, does anyone remember Crescent City Cafe on Haight, where Best of Thai Noodle is now? Wow, Crescent City continues to have a lively online presence, despite the fact that it's been closed for years. That place was good. But I digress.)



I hate to sound like a dick about it, but that's commerce. You have a good idea, you run with it, it works for a while, but if people stop showing up, it's time to pack it up or come up with a new idea. Now, the Red Vic was a non-profit, so I guess having fundraisers to save it is cool and whatever, but in the end, if people don't want to pay for the product any more, it's not going to be viable any more.

I think it's sad and regrettable that San Francisco has lost most of its neighborhood theaters over the last 20 to 30 years, but that's life. I wonder if people had benefits to save the last remaining neighborhood blacksmiths in 1911 or the last neighborhood tanneries or whatever. Point being that change is inevitable and nothing lasts forever and even though it's sad, that's just the way it is. Let's all have fond memories and move on.

(Full disclosure: I used to live around the corner in the 90's and saw a fair amount of movies there and always found it slightly annoying, but patronized it nonetheless.)

(Also, I don't remember anyone being especially heartbroken when the Full Moon Saloon - where the Red Vic moved into - closed down. I have this vague memory of going into that place once. But NFI, as the cops say.)

(That's police talk for "No Further Information." I'm rambling now. I was at a ballgame last night until 11:00 and didn't get home until midnight, so you'll have to give me a break.)

40goingon28 PSA: Benefit for Mission Neighborhood Center GED program

This Saturday, the Mission Community Center is doing a fundraiser for its GED program. The money they make is going towards their students' testing fees. I'm basically a smug asshole with a Blogger account but once in a while I try to do something good to make up for it, and this is one of those times.



Here's more info. Support your local kids. They're going to be paying for your Social Security one day, so it's in your best interest that they be smart and get good jobs. That Rascal scooter isn't gonna pay for itself.

(It just occurred to me that in 30 years, Pops will once again be an old man bar if all the same people keep going there. There'll be a whole line of tricked-out Rascals and Larks parked in front with bumper stickers that say "SCOOT OR DIE" and "FUCK THE YOUTH" and stuff like that. Looking forward to trading oxygen tank tips w/ you guys!)

50 Reasons to Love San Francisco

50. It was 81 degrees last Thursday. NOVEMBER 4.

49. It’s usually 60 degrees on July 4. TAKE THAT, REST OF AMERICA.

48. The view from Bernal Hill.

47. The view from Tank Hill.

46. The view from the 20th & Church corner of Dolores Park.

45. Ritual Roasters, Blue Bottle, Caffe Trieste, Philz, or any of the other hyperspecialized coffee purveyors you depend on.

44. Making fun of tourists. Giving tourists directions. Rolling your eyes anytime someone says “Fisherman’s Wharf.”

43. 6-hour brunches.

42. The Neptune Society Columbarium. (Seriously, go if you’ve never been. It’s amazing).

41. Fresh focaccia from Liguria Barkery on Stockton.

40. Irish coffee.

39. Walking/biking through Golden Gate Park on Sunday when the streets are all blocked off.

38. Bay to Breakers. In whatever incarnation it currently has.

37. Red’s Java House.

36. Going to the Attic for the first time in 10 years and finding out that the cute bartender looks exactly the same.

35. Finally breaking down and going to Alcatraz and finding out it’s actually pretty cool.

34. When you’re out of town and someone asks you where you’re from and you say “San Francisco.”

33. The endless amusement in bitching about Muni, even though it almost always gets you there. Eventually.

32. The Ferry Building. $6 tomatoes.

31. The Heart of the City Farmer’s Market at U.N. Plaza. 6 tomatoes for $1.

30. Arguing about Critical Mass.

29. It’s-Its. Especially Mint It’s-Its, the obviously most superior It’s-It.

28. Frank Chu.

27. Sunny afternoons in Dolores Park. Cold beer, cold water.

26. The roast chicken at Nopa. The shaking beef at Slanted Door. The salt & pepper crab at R&G Lounge. The cioppino at Caesar’s. The sand dabs at Tadich Grill. A burrito from El Farolito.

25. Burritos in general.

24. Anchor Steam. Speakeasy. Toronado. 21st Amendment. The incredible beer culture and obsessive devotion to, and interest in, beer.

23. Earthquakes. Earthquake stories. Knowing with absolute certainty there is going to be a massive, devastating earthquake and not doing anything to get ready for it. Except putting a battery-operated radio and a pint of vodka in a shoebox and calling that your “earthquake kit.”

22. Taking the ferry to Tiburon and having brunch at Sam’s.

21. Herb Caen. (R.I.P, and kidz, if you don’t know, go read his stuff.)

20. Walking across the Golden Gate Bridge (BONUS: It’s 58 degrees, the wind is 40 mph, and it’s so foggy you can’t see the water).

19. Beach Blanket Babylon, The Marsh, and one-person shows with 6 people in the audience.

18. As bad as they are now, the San Francisco 49ers. Remember 1994? How about ’81, ’84, ’88, and ’89?

17. The Embarcadero Center lights at Christmas. Union Square at Christmas. The fucking puppies and kittens in the windows of Macy's at Christmas.

16. Happy hour at Zeitgeist, the 540 Club, the Royal Exchange, the Hi-Dive, the Ha-Ra, or wherever you happen to be at 5:00. Or 4:00. Or 3:00. Or, fuck it, 2:30.

15. Seeing live music in the basement of Li Po, at Stern Grove, Symphony Hall, the Fillmore, the Independent, or any of the other hundreds of places you can see live music any night.

14. Watching the fog roll in and slowly take over. Fog in general.

13. Santarchy. (I know they have it in other cities, but it started here, so there.)

12. Street food, from the bacon-wrapped hot dog guys on Mission to the Crème Brulee cart to the Korean BBQ truck and on and on and on.

11. Corner stores. Your corner store might have a better wine selection than most American cities. You could walk out with a Watermelon 4 Loko, a wedge of camembert, a Philips head screwdriver, and a jar of olive tapenade.

10. Amoeba Records (and Aquarius too, for that matter).

9. The Pride Parade. The Dyke March. Pride Weekend in general.

8. Your urban family.

7. Street art.

6. Dogs. Dogs everywhere. Fort Funston. Crissy Field. Duboce Park. Dogs in bars. Dogs on barstools next to you. Dogs in cabs. Knowing more dogs personally than children.

5. The neighborhoods. The Lower Haight is less than 2 miles from Cow Hollow, but you could live your whole life in one and never visit the other.

4. YOUR SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.

3. SF MOMA, the DeYoung, the observation tower in the DeYoung, the Palace of the Legion of Honor, the Cartoon Art Museum, and Specs 12 Adler. All important cultural institutions.

2. Never having to grow up if you don’t want to. (Don’t I know it.)

1. You know what? Be as weird as you want. Work on your rock opera about the Boxer Rebellion. Be a barista/dominatrix. Talk almost exclusively about your conspiracy theory linking albinos and aliens. That’s cool. Let’s grab a drink and you can tell me all about it.



(In response to "50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City," which appeared on the Village Voice's blog last week.)

Here are two activities you should do if you live anywhere near SF

So last night The Wife and I had Grown-Up Night, which means we went to dinner and the theater. They were both great.

Dinner was at The Corner, 18th and Mission. I gotta warn you ahead of time, the menu is somewhat unconventional, but trust me, this is a good thing. Like, there's not the usual beef short rib and flatiron steak and roasted chicken that everyone has. Instead, there's shit like rabbit or sole w/ fennel sausage or chicken thighs, interesting stuff like that. The waitress (who was just as much of a hipster as you'd imagine for a restaurant at 18th and Mission - in fact, the whole staff looked like Vice Magazine) totally tipped us off that the apps were huge, so we just got a couple of those. The Wife had poutine with beef cheeks and some kind of cheese that starts with an "h" like "hourumi" or "hurami" or something like that. It was fucking killer. Poutine's like the national dish of Canada or something and I can see why because it's basically like this thick gravy and meat poured over french fries and it's a good cold weather dish and as you know, it's always about 20 below in Canada.

I got the pork shank over cheesy hashbrowns with some kind of wilted green in the middle and a poached egg on top. THAT'S NOT A LOW FAT FOOD. But man, was it good. Not so good was burping up pork the rest of the night but that's kind of my fault for eating too fast.

Both the apps we got (which were entree-sized, at least for us) were like $11 or $12. 2 glasses of outstanding pinot for $10 each. I almost went for the PBR tallboy for $2 but that's too predictable. 7 out of 10 stars WILL DO BUSINESS AGAIN.

(Confidential to the Corner - do something about your fucking website. The "menu" pages are all blank and it hasn't been updated since May. Seriously, this is SF and your web game has to be on point. Really, I'm not kidding, deal with it.)

Then (after a brief stop at the Latin-American for some whiskey for me and some Stoli for her) we hied ourselves over to The Marsh for Dan Hoyle's show "The Real Americans." The show is based on Hoyle's travels in, for the lack of a better word, the "heartland" and he does a ton of characters based on the people he met. Now, of course you're thinking it's going to be smug and condescending but it's actually not. I mean, I don't think he had to invent the fact that people think Obama is a Muslim or whatever. And people in SF get treated just as badly, or worse, than people everywhere else. As you can tell, it caused a great deal of liberal urban coastal angst in me because we coastal urban liberals worry a lot about this kind of thing. Anyway, it's way more complicated than I can sum up here but we both loved it and it is totally worth seeing.

Then we went home and watched the Giants almost fuck it up in the 9th inning (and shouldn't Bautista be throwing BP or something until he can find the strike zone?). Exhausting.

The Bachelorette: Stop it, you're spilling your crazy all over this brand new dress

You think you know what “excruciating” means? Oh, you’ve had a date quote lines from “Austin Powers” or maybe you’ve even seen a Matt LeBlanc film. But, let me assure you, nothing, and I mean nothing, is as excruciating as Kasey-with-a-K singing his frog-voiced a capella ballads of longing and weird to a visibly disturbed Ali.

Let me back up. We have moved the action to NYC for no particular reason and we see Ali getting made over by a man in a purple shirt. Unfortunately, he doesn’t cut out her increasingly ratty-looking extensions. Then we finally get a solo date with Kasey! His voice doesn’t sound as weird! Maybe they’re coaching him or something. Luckily, he gets so fucking weird that the voice is a distant memory. They take a helicopter ride over the city and Ali shouts “New York!” because she has a habit of always shouting out her geographical location. “Whooooo!! SAFEWAY!!!!!” ANYWAY. Then we have a picnic and that’s when he starts singing! Oh no! It’s terrible! Why would you do something like that? His little song goes like this:

I thought alone through life I’d walk
But you’re the one I want to stalk
I’ll be yours truly ‘til the end
I just need your SSN

Protip to my homies out there: Unless you’re Rhett Miller, don’t ever, ever start singing to a girl on a date. Remember when that girl in high school said you have a “great voice?” What she meant was you have a “car.”

Anyway, then we move on to the American Museum of Natural History and, defying all the odds, it gets EVEN WEIRDER. They traipse around and blah blah blah and then have some wine and he says she’s “everything that he’s ever wanted because she makes him happy.” You try saying that to someone you’ve met twice and see what happens. FREAKSHOW. I hope you guys had a drinking game involving the phrase “protect and guard her heart,” because then you might be as drunk as I have to get to watch this. Then he sings again! Oh Jesus. I bet back in Clovis there’s a whole battalion of girls he can’t get within 100 feet of by court order.

Now we have a group date. We’re going to see the Lion King! Fuck, please kill me. Oh wait, we’re auditioning for a part! The Weatherman is thrilled because he’s a Gay Man. He says he’s never sung show tunes before but I bet you a hundred dollars that doesn’t count singing the Original Cast Recording of “Les Miz” in his Kia with the windows rolled up. But Roberto gets the part because he looked at Ali while he sang. Remember that if you ever want to be in a mediocre Broadway show! Anyway, they’re in the show and it’s a good way to fill 20 minutes and who gives a fuck anyway.

It’s still going. She was supposed to have a solo date with Dead Mother but she got “sick” and can’t. She invites him to her suite, though! Maybe he’ll make her feel better. Didn’t work on his Mom! Oh no, too soon? After some chicken soup and thorazine, she feels better and they go to yet another rooftop and see some guy named Joshua Radin playing guitar who requires the services of a multiculti choir in robes to back him up. Whatever.

Meanwhile, the Frog Prince is SLOWLY GOING INSANE. Finally, something interesting on this fucking piece of shit show. He goes and gets a really ugly tattoo with a shield and some bullshit and it has to do with Protecting and Guarding Her Heart and I’m starting to think he stole his catchphrase from Brink’s Home Security or a heartworm medicine for dogs. Anyway, that’s weird! Then there’s some manufactured drama that’s not even worth getting into. There are mutual fund ads more interesting than this.

Time to give out the roses. WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?


I thought you had to be on the show to get a rose. What did he, wander in from the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” set next door? And Fivehead gets one too! Oh, she cut the Weatherman. No surprise there. He gives off the scent of “desperate” like the rest of them give off Axe body spray. Kasey never gets to show her his Brand New Tattoo! Awkward! She also cuts Peculiar, so everyone left now is a total dickbag. You get what you deserve in life.

"Wicked," a reinterpretation. That will blow your mind.

Not being a straight woman or a gay man, I normally don't have much interest in musical theater, but I got The Wife and me a couple of Loge seats for "Wicked" at the Orpeum last night. Overall, I'd give it like a B+. Couple of good songs, hell of a lot of stage effects, some talented cast. Could stand to lose about 30 minutes somewhere in there - 2 hours and 45 minutes makes for a long Theater Experience, especially when there are 6 grannies from Walnut Creek cackling behind you.

More interesting to me is the fact that "Wicked" is clearly a Mission vs. Marina allegory. Now, if you're not familiar, the plot essentially concerns the backstory of the witches in "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz." On the one hand, we have Elphaba, our Mission girl, who will grow up (to be labeled by the patriarchy) as the Wicked Witch of the West. She has body art (i.e., she's green) and doesn't get along with her parents. At school, she develops an interest in animal rights and doesn't hang out much with the cool crowd. This should remind you of someone you know by this point.

Glinda is pretty much the prototypical Marina girl. She's blonde and rich and not that smart. She makes fun of Elphaba and doesn't think anything of her right up until the time she suddenly discovers that the stuff Elphaba likes (in the musical, magic; in the real world, LCD Soundsystem and ecstasy) is actually really cool.

I will now magically turn Tecate tallboys into Midori sours!!

They become friends, but then have a falling-out over a boy (the rich guy who moves here from Manhattan). They both go to see the Wizard (the head of a tech company). He wants to exploit Elphaba's knowledge (a totally killer next-gen Web 2.0 app) but Elphaba wants to keep it real and not sell out. The Wizard goes with Glinda's lamer, but more popular app (Farmville) and Elphaba leaves Oz (the company) and goes to live in the wilderness (enrolls in the Iowa Writer's Workshop).

In the end, Elphaba hooks up with the guy and they disappear into the sunset (have kids and move to Burlingame). Glinda takes over the tech company because she can have it all. The Wizard takes a stock buyout and retires to Jackson Hole. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Now, if we could just work a Pains of Being Pure at Heart song into the play somewhere.