The Bachelorette: Finally.

Contrary to Chris Harrison, this was not "the most dramatic television event of the summer," it was the Most Boring Episode of the Most Boring Season of the franchise ever. I'm serious, if next season doesn't improve, I may have to bag the whole thing and start reviewing something more interesting like episodes of "How It's Made" or paint drying. Anyway.

Emily's family has arrived in Curacao for the ritual Blessing of the Suitors. Here comes Jef and some flowers. Mom gets to interview him first. Jef likes marionettes, so he should love Mom, because she looks startlingly like Madame.




After Mom clears him, it's on to Family Dinner. OH SHIT, BROTHER ERNIE IS EATING SOME SLIDERS. Maybe he didn't get the memo about no eating this season! Dad then sits down with Jef for a postprandial interview. He gives his blessing to their Faux TV Marriage. Worked out so good last time let's try it again, eh Dad?

On to Arie's interview with the fam. Bit of a frosty reaction to Arie, who responds by babbling nonsensically. He presents the family with a box containing the dried husks of all the roses he's been given on the show! That's, uh, nice, but Jef brought flowers that were still alive. I don't want to get bossy or anything, Arie, but maybe a bottle of wine next time instead of a box of dead flowers. He does his round of solo interviews. Man, Brother Ernie has quite the brow ridge and there's something wrong with his teeth. Dad gives his blessing to Arie too! Christ, Dad, here comes the pool boy, is he cleared to marry your daughter as well? Maybe it'll be easier to make a list of people who CAN'T marry her, huh?

Final date with Jef. Let's sit on this blanket on the beach and bore the fucking shit out of each other and America in general. "This is pretty." "What have you been thinking about?" "A lot." Boy, that Jef sure is edgy. Anyway, on and on about meeting Rickie or however you spell it and what a colossal huge deal it is and Em is all "I wasn't planning on introducing her to anybody" and that's gonna make the rest of her life difficult and what are you going to do, keep her in a box? OK, finally time to meet The Baggage. They go over to Em's house and the kid's in the pool and she does some tricks like a golden retriever. I hate to say this, but Rickie's a little unfortunate looking. Oh, crap, sorry, that was mean. Anyway, Jef does his best to butter her up and there's some more puppet talk and the puppet fixation is frankly getting a little creepy at this point.

For the night portion, there's no fake dinner, just some champagne and more terminally boring conversation. Wait, aren't Mormons not supposed to drink? What's the deal with that? Jef gives her a present. Oh, crap, you're not going to believe this, it's one of those Tourist Guides you find in the desk drawer of your hotel except Jef has stolen his and vandalized it by drawing stick figures in all the pictures and Emily coos over it like Jef made an art or something.

Cut to next day. Chris Harrison comes to visit Em and they talking about Rickie or something, I don't know, I'm a little zoned out at this point. Oh wait, she's done! Mormon Jef is the winner! So we have to dump Arie now. Sadly, Chris doesn't say just to text him, which would be totally fine, they've spent a total of like 12 hours together and have never fucked, but no, gotta do it in person.

The dumping will occur in something called "Dina's Botanic Garden" where the eponymous Dina is teaching Arie how to make a love potion OH THE IRONY that looks like an arugula salad with red wine vinaigrette. Here comes Em and she immediately starts bawling and Arie gets the picture pretty quick and takes off. He actually handles it pretty well, which is not surprising because there is MAD TAIL waiting for him back in Scottsdale. Meanwhile, Em handles this event by gazing meaningfully into a pond of brackish water. CLEANUP ON AISLE POND, DINA.


Let's do some proposin'! Em is wearing some kind of Bollywood getup and Jef is all decked out in his Fisher Price My First Rat Pack Suit. So there's the usual speechifying and she basically tells him he won and she didn't even go out with Arie and Jef said it's God that did it so there's your final proof that there is no God. He pops out the ring and she says yes and the studio audience back in LA claps and there's a montage set to Chicago and then my DVR ran out. That's it.

The Bachelorette: This is our Rock Bottom.

If this is the Worst Season Ever of the Bachelor/ette franchise (and believe me, I've watched enough to know and it is), then last night's episode, a glorified Clip Show/Fake Interview thing called "The Men Tell All" or "The Men Read Pre-Prepared Cards" or "These Are Not Men" was the worst part of the worst season, which makes it the Worst Television Show You Could Have Watched. If this season was "Police Academy" then this episode was some forgotten straight-to-video installment like "Police Academy: Not Answering Calls in Oakland" or "Police Academy: Shooting Unarmed Civilians for Sport." This episode is our rock bottom. It is our Intervention. I kept expecting Jeff to show up in my living room and say "You know, I see here a bunch of people that love you like crazy and they're here to fight for you and just want you to join the fight." And then I would admit I have a problem and go to some rehab for TV center in Malibu. Anyway. Let's just get through this together and then we'll hold each other and weep quietly.

Half of this episode is an extended ad for "Bachelor Pad," a concept so loathsome and repulsive I won't even watch it, which is really saying something. It's clearly a ripoff of the late, great "Paradise Hotel," which was a reality show pioneer and was so awesomely bad it accidentally turned the corner to great. MISS YOU BOO. But anyway, if you're reconstructing the show based on this recap, just insert an awful Bachelor Pad ad every 5 minutes. (Oh, and this year they're letting civilians compete on BP, which is like sending a paintball team to Afghanistan, but whatever, I don't care.)

The other thing that makes up this entire episode are pointless meandering Clip Packages. Oh look, here's footage we didn't see! Emily and that weirdo singing to an egg. Emily spills wine on her dress. Emily severs a monkey's head and lobs it at a hapless Croatian peasant.

All the male contestants have been assembled onstage while a crowd of sad-looking women hoot and jeer at their antics. These include such moments as Stevie, the "Party MC" from New Jersey, accusing Kalon of not being there for the right reasons. Oh, that's rich. Every one of these people should kill themselves.

There is a series of "interviews" wherein Chris Harrison tries mightily and fails to elicit any single interesting thing from the mouths of these child-men. "Ryan," the football player/"athletic trainer" who is vaguely chestnut colored and has complicated facial hair, is that particular type of asshole who is utterly un-embarrassable, so he embraces the fact that he is an arrogant prick and he calls Emily a "female" and calling women "females" is a 100% accurate marker of a Total Douchebag. Chris breaks the news to him that he will not, under any circumstances, be the next Bachelor, but Ryan will undoubtedly show up in some future reality show like "Rape Stars" or "Juiced Up!" or "Real Car Salesmen of Augusta".

Shovelfaced Chris is interviewed. He is angry. He has "lost a couple of good friends," but what connection that has to anything transpiring here is unclear. He is "looking forward to falling in love with the right girl," and will be appearing on Bachelor Pad, so apparently the Right Girl lives in a petri dish.

Let's trot out the Show Horse and see if she can do any tricks. She's excited to see all y'all. She and Chris blather about nothing. Then we get a blooper reel! Actually, I'm going to hate myself for this, but I gotta say that the blooper reel actually makes Emily almost likeable. Like, she swears a lot and actually seems like she has kind of a dry sense of humor. OK ENOUGH POSITIVITY. Back to hating everything. I just wish they hadn't edited her personality completely out.

So the finale is this Sunday. I'm gonna be out of town actually, so probably no recap until Tuesday unless I really get my shit together which frankly is not very likely. YOLO.

The Bachelorette: Guess who's getting laid? Nobody.

Are you tired of this yet? I'm tired of it. These guys are all fucking lumps who couldn't be exciting if you attached electrodes to their testicles, and Emily is basically a RealDoll with a voice recorder that just keeps spouting shit about how important her kid is to her. So thank fucking God, we're almost done. To accomplish this, we have arrived in Curacao, an island paradise where they make Blue Curacao. 10 minutes of recap filler ensues, followed by a lengthy ad for a movie about old people fucking. Gross.

First actual content tonight is a date with Sean, the blandly handsome everydude you can picture doing Habitat for Humanity and drinking Coors Light. Helicopter ride! Not too many helicopters this year. Uneaten Dinners is this year's Helicopter Rides. Anyway, out to a Private Island and Ems voiceovers "I can't go through this and fall in love and then have it not work out again," and at first I thought she was talking about Plane Crash Ricky and I was all "Wait, what?" but I guess she's talking about Brad. Anyway, she keeps going on and on about how Sean hasn't told her he loves her and Jesus Christ like it's abnormal not to tell someone you love them on the 3rd date. Fuck.

Segue to Romantic Beach Dinner and now the only thing I look at these dinners for is to see if someone will take a fucking bite. Sean says she's ready to be a dad and oh, here we go, he wrote a little letter to Rikki Jr. or however you spell it. What did he say? He hopes to shower her? INAPPROPRIATE. Oh, "shower her with unconditional love." I guess that's marginally better. So then he finally caves and says he's fallen in love with her and so WHEW glad we got that out of the way. Time for the Fantasy Suite! Sean wants to "stay up and talk to you" but the Fantasy Suite is about boning down, not talking, you doofus. So off they go and hit the hot tub and whoa, she's leaving? What the fuck? Oh, it looks bad because of Little Rikki or whatever. Didn't look bad when you spent all night with Brad! Oh well. No one is getting laid this season.

Jef. A boat ride. She thinks he'll be a good parent because he's "fun." Little Rikki is going to need therapy. Since this is painfully boring, let's all go to our Happy Place and think about something nice. Mmmmmm, five-spice chicken at Jasmine Garden. (BTW, according to "Gary R." from San Diego on Yelp, Jasmine Garden - which is in Duboce Triangle - is in "a very seedy part of town"! LOL!) OK, I'm back. Time to not eat some dinner. Jef has questions! One of them should be "What the fuck are we doing?" or "How much are you getting paid for this?" but instead he wants to know where they'll live. Duh, dumbass, you'll live in LA like every other reality contestant. Same deal with the Fantasy Suite. A little making out and she leaves. You will make a good Sister Wife, Emily!

And then there's Arie. Boat or helicopter? Boat. They jump right to making out and then it's Time to Interact With the Sea Creatures.

Haha, you can tell that dolphin is just all "Fuck, how much longer until my shift is over?"

Another outdoor dinner. She would be "happy to move to Scottsdale!" No shit, she already looks like every chick in Scottsdale. He doesn't even get the Fantasy Suite card. They totally hit it. You know they did.

NEED MORE FILLER. So let's have an interview with Chris Harrison. He asks her to spell "chorizo" and she starts to cry. No, I'm just shitting you. Instead, he tells us that the 3 guys have taped video messages for her. Each one is more boring than the one before. Here, I'll nutshell them all for you: (1) I had a nice time, (2) You're great, (3) Something about a journey, (4) I want to raise some dead guy's kid. Jef offers that "Together, we will watch a thousand sunsets." That's like 2.75 years, so that sounds about right. Em then gazes meaningfully out the window between two weird fucking chairs.



Last Rose Cer. Thank God. Em's already crying and she goes "I'm sorry" and I'm all "SHE WAS LOOKING AT SEAN WHEN SHE SAID THAT! THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS TOAST" and guess what? I'M RIGHT. Sean is the big loser. Way to basically guilt him into telling you he loves you and then dumping him, bitch! Anyway, Sean gets into the Crying SUV and he's actually pretty stoic but says he feels "embarrassment" and that in one word is the most honest thing anyone has said all season. Back to your flag football and gym and Axe body spray lifestyle, Sean. You have surely dodged a bullet here.

Do we get to end this thing next week? No. No, we do not. We get the fake reunion/interview show. We all get what we deserve.

In an unrelated story, NyQuil has finally acknowledged that 98% of the people who use their product just use it to knock themselves out and push aside their troubled thoughts so they can escape the mind-numbing drudgery of their daily lives and get some sleep.



If you take all the cold medicine out of NyQuil, it's just a 40-proof syrup, so if I'm not mistaken, this product is essentially Southern Comfort with a different label.

The Bachelorette: Wouldn't it be awkward if someone's parents were homeless? What would they do then for hometown visits?

Just asking.

Final Four! Hometown visits! Shit's getting real! First we see Ems back in Charlotte and rushing home to Lil Rikki wearing.....wait, what the fuck? Some kind of death's head shirt?


Hi Rikki! So good to see you! Can't hear anything over your screams of terror! No, sweetie, it's not a monster! It's what's left after the skin is stripped from your face! Why are you crying?

Boring recap/Emily voiceover about the 4 who are left. Wait, Jef has a "little bit of an edge"? WTF? He's about as edgy as a bowling ball. I get the feeling a wild night for Jef might include some non-decaffeinated Celestial Seasonings and some Family Guy DVDs.

We kick off with Chris in Chicago. He comes out to her as Polish. Hey, what happened to Polish jokes? That was a thing when I was a kid. Another victim of political correctness! I need to contact a Republican about this. Anyway, after a brief pit stop in a Polish restaurant for beers, they're off to Hanover Park to meet the fam. Sturdy-looking Polish Dad, American Mom, and 2 cute enough sisters. Em wants to know if Chris is ready to be a father. Dad says "he will do his best." That should fill you with confidence! The crispier sister is a little worried and wants Em to dump Chris ASAP if he's not the one. FORESHADOWING. Oh, come on. You know what's coming. Hey, do you think Chris's perma-five-o-clock-shadow is planned or he just needs to shave? Oh Christ, surprise! There's a Polish band out back. Soon Chris will be polka-ing alone.

Next stop: St. George Utah, for Jef's "family ranch." Quite a spread they have there! After a little ride in some ATV thing, it's time for some target practice. Jef thinks Ems "looks so hot with a gun." Have I got a treat for Jef. On to meet Jef's family. Well, except for his parents, who couldn't be bothered to show up for this thing on national TV to meet their son's possible wife. Holy shit, there's a crapload of them. Wait, is that the lead singer from Smashmouth?


They're drinking lemonade! Ohhhhh, right, Mormons. That's a dealbreaker right there. Families are great and all, but without booze they're basically intolerable. Ems sits down for a group interview with the sisters. I don't know what's going on here but they all look like they have different parents. One looks like the homecoming queen and one looks like the mean girl from an 80's movie and one looks like Jonah Hill in a wig. Then Jef & E go hang out and he reads her some long thing he wrote. What's up this season with guys reading Emily these treatises on how much they love her? She's like the muse of mash notes.

NEXT. Arie in Scottsdale. Seriously, Scottsdale is like a Bachelor/ette Production Facility. There's always at least 3 or 4 from there. They take a spin in Arie's racecar and then it's off to meet everyone. Oh, shit, no wonder his name sounds familiar! His dad won the fucking Indianapolis 500 twice! Mom's Dutch too and looks heavily plastic surgeried. So they all sit down and everyone starts talking in Dutch! AWKWARD. Oh, Mom wants to know why it didn't work out with Brad. Dad seems like he might be a little sweet on Emily too. Might want to lock the door if you spend the night there!

OK, one more stop. Sean in Dallas. By the lake. With some dogs. Of course. It's so painfully all-American it hurts. OMG, who decorated their house, a team of grandmas? Sean's niece and nephew are "Kensington" and "Smith," of course. Why would you give a girl a name that will inevitably be shortened to "Kenny"? The South Park jokes will never end with that one. Kenny has a playhouse that's nicer than most people's real houses and it has A/C and it was also decorated by whatever octogenarian did the main house. Anyway, the centerpiece is an elaborate practical joke in which Sean confesses that he lives at home and shows her a messy room and then HA HA HA not really. But it does raise a good point: Em should be checking out where these dudes actually live, not their parents' house. That way you can see if they have light-up beer signs or copies of "Man and Beast Quarterly" or whatever.

We're gonna wrap this thing at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills, the only place I've seen tonight that I actually want to go to. (Rooms available this weekend! $695 a night!) Let's get this on. We know what's coming. Racecar Arie first. Then Jef. It's down to Sean and Chris. The only thing Chris would win against Sean is a Being Polish contest. And, indeed, he is gone. He still hasn't fucking shaved. He's like a facial hair Chia Pet or something. Anyway, he doesn't cry much in the Crying Limo. And then there were three.

The Bachelorette: Nothing says romance like a creepy fucking marionette

Like many 1994 college grads, we have found ourselves in Prague without any real goal or the ability to speak Czech. Here in this Classical European Cultural Hub, we will cut two dimwits and send them back to America to return to the office parks from whence they sprang.

We begin with a solo date with Arie the Racecar Driver. Whoa, holy sequined shorts, Em! Pride was yesterday, girlfriend. Standard establishing shots of them traipsing around Historical Prague sipping hot wine and rubbing statues but DUN DUN DUNNNNNN here's Chris Harrison breaking in to tell us that something Very Important is going on. It seems that Arie once dated producer Cassie Lambert for about 20 minutes 10 years ago and Emily has learned this and it has shaken her to her very core. Wait, I don't get it. Who gives a fuck? Em's talking like they've been banging just off-camera during this whole season? But apparently they don't remember each other? The fuck?

Back to the date. Em is going all Psychological on his ass. "Don't you think it's important to be HONEST!!!!!!!" she says and a gong sounds and he doesn't get it because why the fuck would he? He's trying desperately to think of something to confess and here's what he comes up with: He used to have a girl's name tattooed on him but he had it covered up. This news Em treats like NBD, even though it is MUCH MORE WORRYING THAN THE PRODUCER THING. Hasn't anyone learned from Wino Forever? Listen up, folks: once you get a romantic partner's name tattooed anywhere on your body, that is a 100% guarantee the relationship will not last. Just get a butterfly or Tinkerbell on your lower back and be done with it.

ANYWAY, this is boring and apparently Emz and Producer Cassie (not that hot, BTW, doubt I'd hit it) and Arie all sat down and had a rap session and everybody's cool now because Ems is back to looking at Arie with googly eyes and he says "I love you" and boat trip and fireworks whatever.

Next solo date is with "John," I think that's his name, still not sure how he made it this far. He is the Bachelorette equivalent of the First Guy Off the Boat in a war movie. We know a little about him but he's about to get sawed in half by machine-gun fire. They do some Prague tourist shit and then there's the Uneaten Dinner in the castle and John decides to get all romantic with the story of how his last girlfriend cheated on him all weekend with a doctor. Nothing says "I'm a good catch" like a story about how the last chick you were with blew you off for the first thing that came by with a full head of hair and an oncology practice! Oh, next topic is how cool his parents are! HOTTTT. This leads to some 7th Grade Formal lip-kissing.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, shovel-faced Chris is FREAKING OUT I think because he hasn't had a solo date in a while? Then Fivehead gets back from his date and Sean goes rogue and leaves the hotel to find Emily. His strategy is to wander the streets of Prague yelling "EMILYYYYYYY". No wonder Europeans fucking hate Americans. Oh wait, there she is! Just hanging out alone in a tunnel. They decamp to what appears to be a Czech grandmother's sitting parlor for some alone time and making out.

Another fucking group date. This is the last fucking group date, thank God. Everyone into a horse carriage and off to Castle Greyskull. Man, Doug is such a fucking lump. He probably changes the channel when he comes across Cinemax because it's too "racy." (Alternatively, The Wife thinks there's a seething cauldron of Fucked Up inside him and he probably watches midget donkey porn.) Anyway, he's hanging with Em and looks physically uncomfortable to be that close to a Real Girl and starts with the flop sweats and stammering. She's finally had it with him and cuts him loose and he gets taken away in the Black Ops Rejection Van, hopefully to a Secret Site for torture and cookies. Sean gets the No Shit Rose, while Chris collapses into a heap and bitches about she never picks him first for kickball. What a maroon.

The last solo date in Prague will be with Jef, whose hair seems to have grown in size and importance as he draws closer to the finale. Hey, let's visit this FUCKING CREEPY ASS PUPPET STORE. It is run by a kindly Czech and there is no way he has body parts stored downstairs. The puppets would like to play with you! Forever and ever and ever. Then it's off to some library where we'll have a puppet show and, not making this up, re-enact key moments in their relationship. Oh fuck fuck fuck this is painful to watch. This is some David Lynch shit right here. Then his puppet confesses love for her puppet and even that chick from The Ring goes "This is fucking fucked up."

See what I mean about the hair?

This segues into some making out on the library floor and Jef is telling her about his parents and says they won't be there if she comes to visit because they're "committed to some stuff for a few years." Like a mental institution, I'm guessing! Oh, his family's "really private," no surprise there. He closes with the very sweet "I want to date you so hard and marry the [BLEEP] out of you." Ugh, is this how Mormons talk dirty? He probably said "marry the SATAN out of you."

Time for the Czechtail Party. See what I did there? Oh, fuck, never mind, joke ruined, there is no cocktail party this week. Chris Harrison breaks the bad new to the fellas and Chris starts to decompensate at once. He must talk to her!

Rose Ceremony. Emily is wearing what appears to be a dress made from discarded purple mylar balloons. Jef, of course, gets a rose, then Arie, and it's down to Chris and Fivehead and Chris finally snaps and really must talk to her. He's all in love with her and ready to be a Dad and whatever dude I guess it worked because Fivehead is shown the door like duh we didn't see that coming.

The Bachelorette: "Sucks, as in S-U-C-K-S"

Looks like the Tourism Board of, what, Croatia won this week's round of Who Bribed The Bachelorette Producers because when you think romance, you think Dubrovnik, right? PLIS TO BE MATING WITH DIS LADEE NOW AMERICAN EENVESTOR. Hey, at least we finally lost Lil Rikki! That chick was some serious baggage, oh, whoops, not supposed to say that.

We'll kick off our Croatian Whirlwind with a solo date with Travis. Travis has the flat affect of the tired or heavily medicated and so far has been a bit player. Em has her Lonely Planet guide out and they're off to Olde Towne to sample some local flavor, which in this case includes, hey, what the hell, buying some religious icons and tasting some ice cream. Careful where you set down that crucifix! Don't want to offend St. Hydrogenated Phattus. Cut to the predictable Nighttime Candlelight Dinner. Emz wants to know about why Travis's engagement broke up. I don't know, maybe his ex fell asleep listening to him and drowned in her Chunky soup or something. Gotta hand it to him, though, he's the first one to fucking SAY SOMETHING about how NO ONE TOUCHES THE FUCKING FOOD. I so desperately want someone to pick up a plastic lime and go "This food is fucking fake!" Dreams. That' s all I have left are my dreams. ANYWAY, they have a sweet hug and she friendzones him and no big shock there. Travis is the kind of guy you call to fix your water heater, not impregnate you with Rickie Model 2. Travis is sent into the rainy streets of Dubrovnik where, overcome with emotion, he angrily discards his umbrella.

Begone from my sight, Umbrella! You are heavy with the stench of failure!

HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS. Disney/Pixar has a new movie coming out and it's called Brave or something and I guess their target demo is chicks who drink Skinny Girl margaritas or angry male bloggers or whoever watches this show because there's a bigass tie-in segment on the Bachelorette this week! This takes the form of a Group Date where whoever is left minus Sling Blade all head out to the Opera House or something and pretend to enjoy this film. Then, as if that's not debasing enough, everyone is issued kilts and black muscle Ts and we're off to compete in some low-rent highland games thing. I will say this, the scenery in this episode makes me want to go to Croatia, no joke. What do they speak there? I should learn some Croatian phrases, like "Is there where Boy Band Hair Jef humiliated himself trying to throw a phone pole?" Oh, here we go:

Je li to gdje je dječak bend kosa Jef ponižen sam pokušava baciti telefonski stup?

Sure, that should be no problem.

Night falls on Croatia. Em is compelled to wear sequins in every nighttime scene this week, I see. She has a little Hang Time with everyone. Arie gets all Dashing Hero and throws her against the medieval wall for a little makeout. Meanwhile, Ugly Kid Chris gets the Smashed In Face rose.

Solo Date with Sling Blade, who prepares by carefully shaving his facial hair into some kind of Wu-Tang logo or Evil Supervillain look or something. I can't figure out what the fuck he's got going on there. They're off driving around Croatia and stopping to sample oysters which Ems promptly spits out because oysters are gross and plus who knows where that's been.

Over dinner, Sling Blade once again pushes the envelope in What The Fuck when he produces a handwritten list of the 12 Things He's Looking For in a Wife. Not kidding. He really did do this. It's predictable stuff that your typical Christian-lite Semi-Pro athlete would come up with, like "Always have beautiful hair" and "Let Jesus guide your housework" and shit like that. Ems, thank GOD, is fucking APPALLED, and for the first time I actually kinda like her. HOLY SHIT SHE CUTS HIM and then he tells her she's making a mistake for like 20 minutes but FUCK, good move, Ems! He is shocked. Oh shit, is he gonna hit her? He looks like he's gonna hit her. Oh, no, he didn't, OK. Well, Ryan, if it's any consolation, there's gotta be a 22-year-old drinking Sex on the Beaches in a TGI Fridays in Duluth who'll think you're aces.

Meanwhile, back at the Dubrovnik Most Pleasurable Tourist Chalet....


Someone asked them to define "irony."

Anyway, let's wrap this up. Cocktail party. More sequins. Sit-down with John, who is so on his way out he may as well keep dead people's funeral cards in his wallet. Oh wait. He does keep dead people's funeral cards in his wallet. You know how to turn a chick on? Gentle kisses to the neck: YES. Showing her dead people's funeral cards: NO. Meanwhile, Doug is cracking under the pressure. He has flop sweats and is weeping and squeaking out barely intelligible phrases. Who should she end up with, Doug? "Probably me." That's the kind of confidence we want!

So she chucks some roses around and it comes down to Funeral Cards and Probably Doug. This is so nerve-wracking that Em needs a minute and leaves the set and surprises Chris Harrison who appears to be having a smoke with some chick backstage but anyway the upshot of the whole thing is that she gets an extra rose and DOESN'T CUT ANYBODY. Oh for fuck's sake.

The Bachelorette: Beheading looks good right about now

Know how I can tell we're in London? Because there is an Ironclad Rule of Stupid TV that whenever you are in London, you must show a red double-decker bus and play Rule Britannia. And that's what they do! Along with the usual establishing shots, i.e., Buckingham Palace. "We don't have anything like this in Charlotte," Ems says, I guess because Buckingham Palace isn't a strip mall with a Jiffy Lube and a Subway.

Our first solo date today is with Sean, a strapping lad with the intellect of a three-toed sloth. We begin by taking a bus tour of Famous Locales which Emily describes Just. Like. This. She. Is. Obviously. Reading. Off. A. Card. Look. There. Is. Westminster. Something. We have a so not planned in advance completely impromptu stop at Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park where Sean is summoned to deliver a speech the producers have provided him with about why the government owes a duty of care to its citizens no I mean about his parents are in love or something. Excruciating. Remember this word. It will appear again.

For dinner, we cavort over to the Tower of London where, Emily informs us, "King Henry lived." Oh, wait, "King Henry Eighth used to put all his wives locked up here and he beheaded two of 'em." Fantastic! Once again, no one touches their food. And Emily seems genuinely shocked that Sean, who is 28 years old, had his last date 4 months ago, and whose greatest fear is "forgetting my wallet," has not seriously considered how many kids he would like to have. Jesus Christ Emily not everyone whelps at 15 or whatever like you did and spends 24/7 thinking about how they can overpopulate the planet with vapid future sorority girls.

Through a little space between my fingers which are covering my eyes I can see we are off to Stratford Upon Avon to dig up Shakespeare's corpse and urinate on it and make it dance or something. Oh no, wait, we're just going to mug our way through 3 scenes from "Romeo and Juliet." Of course some of the guys have to play the Nurse and put on women's clothes and HA HA HA HA YOU ARE DRESSED UP LIKE A LADY SO FUNNY. There are some boring rehearsal scenes and then they do their little thing in front of a crowd and I recognize some of the people from the Hyde Park scene and I think the producers have paid a group of down-on-their-luck Brits about ₤25 to ride around in a van and watch some Americans debase themselves. Beats working! Ryan cannot stop talking about Arie's "woman dress" and, to paraphrase Shakespeare, methinks the steroid-addled crapmonkey doth protest too much. Here's that word again! Excruciating.

TIME FOR THE BIG DRAMA CONFRONTATION. You ready for this? OK. So. After the "performance," we are off to Ye Olde Pub for some pre-poured pints and while Sling Blade or somebody is off entrancing E it comes out that Krylon called Little Ricki "baggage" and that is Very Mean and everyone pretends to be outraged even though it's technically true and they're all thinking it but Ryan Phillippe from Cruel Intentions is the only one with enough balls, ironically, to say it. So this gives everyone the vapors and Doug runs to Emily to tell her about this disturbing news and she becomes overcome with emotion because Little Ricki is the Most Important Thing to her except when she's gallivanting all over the globe for months on end during the Brad season of The Bachelor.

I have to admit, though, when she said she was going to go "West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on his ass," I did have mad respect for that. Also: Girl fight!

The Big Confrontation. Doug is the Oprah here and seems to be running the show. She asks Krylon if he said it and he says yeah basically and she tells him to get the bleep mouth blurred out. Then shit gets confusing because E goes on a rant that will last the rest of the show about how nobody said anything about Krylon's heresy but WTF didn't Doug just tell her? I don't fucking get it.

Let us try to gather our shit and somehow move past this soul-crushing devastation and go on a solo date with Boy Band Hair Jef. Wow, he is wearing an outfit that took somebody in the Boys' Department at Ross easily 5 minutes to assemble. The first part is some boring British stuff with tea and then they're off to the Bell & Crown which, sadly, does not enjoy positive Yelp reviews, although you will enjoy this if you read it in a Cockney accent: "Nearly a fiver for a bitter and a pack of crisps?!! WTF sell walkers please not poncey tyrrells."

Since the whole Baggage Incident still weighs heavily on Emily's little slip of a mind, Jef decides to get into it and comes up with "If Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever."

WAIT WHAT.

Little Ricki (as visualized by Boy Band Hair Jef)

"Chloe," as I learned from asking The Wife "What the fuck did he just say?" last night, is a type of purse apparently. I don't know what is more bizarre, Jef's generous working knowledge of women's accessories or his stated desire to possess Little Ricki in the form of an $1800 purse forever. Weird weird weird.

OK, off for another uneaten meal. This time, it's dessert in the London Eye.


Some kind of a parfait thing? Looks delicious. WHY WON'T ANYONE EAT THEIR FUCKING FOOD THIS SEASON.

ANYWAY, blah blah blah sounds to me like Jef is auditioning for Em's best friend, not boyfriend. Oh, he does sketch out a creepy vision of "dance parties" he will have with Ricki while Emily's away. Emily, sweetie, hidden webcams. Invest. In a few. Just a thought.

At the cocktail party Sling Blade appears to be wearing either a hoodie or some kind of swashbuckler wear under his jacket. All Em wants to talk about is the Baggage Incident. Oddly, she doesn't ask to see Jef's handbag collection. Anyway, Alejandro, the San Francisco Mushroom Farmer, gets cut which is no big surprise because Little Ricki's gotten more screen time than he has. Let's move on.

Here for the Right Reasons Count: A disappointing 2.

The Bachelorette: I Have Been Called to Something Bigger.

We will now decamp to Bermuda and begin in earnest the process of winnowing down this crop of idiots and Axe body spray wearers until we arrive at the final gel-headed doofus who Emily will never, ever marry. It seems that Single Dad Doug is getting the first Solo Date and he responds with a stream of obscenities at his fellow contestants, who, in a rare bright spot on this show, continue to needle and provoke him and Thank God because it's the only sign of life we ever see from this borefest.

So Doug and Emz are off to wander the touristy streets of St. George which I guess is where the tourists go because I don't see a lot of local interest in the Bermuda Perfumery or the Ye Olde Chocolateria or whatever other stores exist solely to provide Americans with places to deposit dollars and leave with something breakable. Oh, hey, let's send a postcard to Doug's son AUSTIN. Emily muses, "What little kid doesn't want a postcard from their Dad?" And a complete stranger?

Nighttime sees another dinner where nobody takes a fucking bite and I'm starting to think that ABC is just setting out plastic food as scenery. Em tries to get Doug to reveal something dark about himself, but the best he can muster is that he loves too much or some bullshit like that. Obviously there is something here but Doug won't give it up.

WHAT IS DOUG HIDING?

1. Stash of child pornography

2. Total pothead

3. While out driving with Helen, Julie, and Barry, they hit a man on the road, push his corpse into the ocean, and all vow never to speak of it again

4. AUSTIN is actually a bonobo monkey

Doug then refers to himself in the third person, which is worse than any of that other stuff. Anyway, he gets the Flat Affect Rose and we will keep trying to learn his Dark Secret.

Hey, Group Date! We're going Sailboat Racing. It's like the Special America's Cup. Ugh, that joke didn't work at all. Anyway, Krylon happily notes that he's "in his element," which of course, Richie Rich, all you need is a monocle and a cigar to light with a $100 bill, naturally boat racing is your element. Anyway, blah blah blah cut to the chase and Sling Blade's team wins and they get to spend more time with Ems. Meanwhile, in the Loser Bus, Charlie is crying because he didn't get ice cream and Barney isn't on and I HATE YOU I HATE ALL OF YOU YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD.

The Winners, however, gather on the veranda for canapes and cocktails and Sling Blade offers a toast to Emily, the "beautiful trophy/possible wife," and it's clear now that Sling Blade is negging because he read that works. He talks in high school football coach cliches and when Em asks him straight up if he'd still love her if she got fat he says "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman." WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN. And then he starts criticizing her for making out with Arie on TV? Because she's supposed to be a role model? And then she apologizes? Where the fuck is the napalm?

Next we have the Bachelorette version of the Cage Match, except it involves Hurt Feelings and Sad Looks instead of Eye Gouges and Carotid Artery Compression. Two losers will go on the date, but only one will be lucky enough to leave. The two on this date are Nate and Joe? Or John? Or Something? Anyway, cliff diving, whatever, then off to a cave for dinner where Nate repeatedly calls quinoa "kwin-oh-ah," which is understandable if you've never heard the word pronounced, but come on, he's from LA, not Fargo. The whole thing is completely awkward and painful and then Nate starts crying talking about how awesome his brother is. I guess his brother built him his first dollhouse or a cabinet for his doilies or something. He gets mercifully cut loose and now he can go braid his sister's hair or whatever.

Cut to the Douche Suite where Sling Blade likes his chances. He's "romantic, athletic, a charming guy, all of these things." Furthermore, he is "called to something bigger." Bigger than being on the Bachelorette? I don't understand! Then we move on to an instigated-by-the-producers made-for-TV confrontation between Chris who is faux-mad because people make fun of him for being only 25 and Doug who continues to be in a heavily narcotized state. Sadly, this ends without anyone being killed.

OK, Rose Ceremony. Somehow San Francisco Mushroom Farmer Alejandro makes the cut. Sadly, TBI Charlie and Ponytail Guy get axed. You can go home now, Charlie. Don't cry. It's OK. Shhh. Shhh.

The Bachelorette: This is very exciting!

Obviously ABC took my comments about how fucking boring this season is to heart because, WOW, gotta hand it to them, they really ramped up the excitement!

We start with a solo date with Chris. It seems that we are off to Mexico for a bullfight! This is very exciting! Oh, wait, they're not just watching the bullfight, they are the prey! Emily and Chris are abandoned in the middle of the bullfighting ring and then suddenly set upon by a gang of matadors, who are cranked out of their minds on steroids and cheap Mexican speed and armed with electric cattle prods and sharpened polo mallets. Em and Chris gamely try to avoid their deadly assailants, but are soon overwhelmed. Emily, shocked and bloody, falls to the dirt as Chris tries valiantly to protect her, but....

It is a dangerous game, mi amigo.

Nah, I'm just shitting you. This is just as boring as always. Em and Chris stroll through deserted downtown Charlotte until it's time to put on some harnesses and climb up the side of a building, like they do at least once every season. Blah blah blah. "Climbing a building is definitely like love," says flat-faced Chris. Both involve wearing a harness and struggling for breath, so yeah, I guess that's true. Or maybe that's just me. Em seems to think he's super good looking or something and maybe I'm missing something because he looks like any other weak-chinned doofus to me. So then they hang out on the roof and the news that he is 25 years old confuses and puzzles Emily because, I guess, why would any otherwise normal 25 year old agree to go on a TV show to get married. After their rooftop hangout, we are subjected to more country music, this time from Lane Bryant or Lute Byron or something, I couldn't make it out. Whoever this joker is, he's in the running for Worst Lyricist of the Year, because he sings "Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom," which makes sense if your girl is Ludacris, I guess. This makes Train lyrics look like Lord Byron. Anyway, I hope the next Bachelor/ette likes punk instead because it would be awesome if they had the Dwarves on or something instead of another Generic White Dude being boring.

Next up we have a Group Date. We're off on a plane somewhere and the guys are trying to figure out where they're going and SURPRISE they're going to join a FARC faction in Colombia and whoever is able to kidnap a wealthy industrialist in downtown Bogota will get a solo dinner with Emily! OK, this should be exciting! Oh, wait, Charlie blew himself up dropping a mortar round on the ground and now their fellow guerillas are pointing and laughing at them!

No, no, no, that never happened. Instead a bunch of these dorks dress up in their Activewear and go to the park and Sling Blade immediately goes all Alpha Douche on the proceedings and meanwhile E rounds up her "best friends" who are all older white Mommy-types except for one vaguely ethnic chick but I can't figure what she's supposed to be. So these "friends" are going to interview the idiots and it's mostly just as boring and pointless as you'd imagine except there's one friend who fails to hide her immediate sexual longing for Sean and basically goes all Bob-Hoskins-seeing-Jessica-Rabbit and her eyes like bug out of her head and she goes "HUBBA HUBBA" and makes him take off his shirt and the whole nine. Gross. Then they unleash a whole parade of rented children so the guys can show off their Superior Child Skills and everyone dutifully pretends to enjoy this except for Sling Blade, who immediately ditches his kid and goes over to where Emily is debriefing with the Momz and tells her he won't love her if she gets fat. SOLID MOVE DUDE.

Now it is night and Em throws on some new hookerwear and we're off to whatever passes for a nightclub in a strip mall in Charlotte. Here we have Doug recounting his unbelievable tragic backstory, which includes a dead epileptic Dad, Mom who walked out, foster care, and God knows whatever other Dickensian nightmares he didn't reveal. Jesus Christ, this is depressing. Oh, Tony is kind of decompensating because he's been away from his kid for like 3 days and can't handle it. There's some kind of bizarro parental attachment disorder going on here. He talks to his kid on speakerphone and frankly the kid doesn't sound all that great so I think Tony's kind of a drama queen. Anyway, he just can't take it any more and leaves the show. I hope that kid never goes to summer camp or Tony will have to be hospitalized. Sean gets a rose for no discernible reason.

Solo date with Ari or Arie or whatever, the racecar driver. ABC's budget for this date must be about $36 because they're off to Dollywood, which I gather is like Hillbilly Disneyland. Anyway, they walk around the completely empty park and go into this theater and Dolly Parton shows up! Dolly Parton is one of those artists that everyone just loves. I mean, even the total asshole cynical bastards just melt when they talk about Dolly. It's a thing. So she wrote a song for the show and sings it and then has a little sit-down with Emz and actually it's a little uncomfortable because she mostly brags about how long she's been married and how her husband is alive and Emz has to be thinking "I'd be married too if Racecar Ricky hadn't died!" Then they have dinner in some barn thing and Arie gets to go on and on about how much he loves kids and no one touches their food, as per usual this season and he gets a rose because whatever. Arie's voiceover says she "exceeded his expectations," so it definitely sounds like love!

I am making mad bank for this appearance.

Let's get to the Cocktail Party. We are almost through this grueling slog. Krylon is wearing glasses this week and won't let Emily get a word in and then when she tries to talk he says "SHUT UP BITCH THERE'S A MAN TALKING," oh, no wait he says something like "if you'd let me finish" or something as dickish as that. The Guy Who's Carrying an Egg Around, who I had mostly forgotten about, gives it to Em to SMASH and whatever who gives a fuck. Grain Merchant Alessandro says something about how her having a kid would be a "compromise" and she doesn't like that and he immediately gets sent back to the Late Middle Ages or wherever the fuck he's from.

So Krylon gets to stay, for some reason. Some guy named "Nate," too. We bid farewell to New Jersey's "Party MC" Stevie. I'm sure there's someone out there for Stevie. Maybe in an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Oh, and then Sling Blade calls Arie a "dainty guy" and then that's it.

"Here For the Right Reasons" Total This Episode: 3

The Bachelorette: This Is Terrible

Boy, and here I thought Ben from last go-round was bland and featureless, but I have to say Emz makes him look like a ADD kid judging an espresso contest. This is going to be an even tougher season to get through, and that's saying something. So anyway, might as well get to it.

First solo date with Ryan and his mental patient haircut. Seriously, what in the FUCK was he thinking coming on national television with that Sling-Blade-meets-Japanese-teen getup? He feels that this date will feature something "incredibly special, like a plane ride," and that about sums about Ryan's level right there. LOOKIE A PLANE WHOOOOSH UP IN THE SKY. Sorry, Ryan, no PLANE YAY for you. Instead we'll be making cookies at Em's house! Because she is the Snack Mom this week! Ryan's game right up until the apron challenges his sexuality and he looks visibly uncomfortable because this is Girl Stuff. Yucky! Later, he will sit in the car and watch the kids from a distance as Em delivers the goods. This couldn't get any creepier if he were wearing dark sunglasses and a trench coat. Both of them have the personality of a box turtle and this makes watching paint dry seem like a Michael Bay film called PAINT: THE WATCHING and it would star Nicholas Cage and Samuel L. Jackson locked in a paint-watching duel TO THE DEATH.

For the nighttime portion, Em dresses up like a Bellagio hooker for a "fun night out" in Charlotte. Based on what we've seen of Charlotte, this probably entails church bingo and then a stopoff at the Sonic. No, wait, they're off to a deserted restaurant to have an EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING talk about relationships and whatever. He gets the Please Kill Me If This Doesn't End Soon Rose and then they pop outside in time to catch something called "Gloriana" who are basically a low-rent Lady Antebellum, ugh, I can't believe I can actually make that reference, and then they dance on a raised platform while the crowd around them rapturously takes cell phone video of them. What the fuck is going on in America these days.

Ready to have the Muppets ruined for you forever? Then come along on this group date, where Em and a bunch of losers will put on a show to raise money for some fake charity that The Bachelorette people probably just created. Oh look, it's Kermit and Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy has really turned into a kind of psychotic bitch. One second she's coming on to all the dudes and the next second she's all threatening to cut a bitch when Emily is hitting on Kermit. Whore. So there's this whole thing with Brain Injury Charlie and apparently he got the stage fright real bad and so instead of making him one of the dancers or something they put him in the Fake Talk Show segment where everyone will be watching him and he is the focus of attention so nice job with that ADA accommodation, producers. Whatever, I cannot talk about this variety show thing any more, it is so painful.

Nighttime portion. Here we have Tony, the "lumber salesman." I conclude Tony is the Secret Gay this season.



Come on, Tony.

Meanwhile, what the fuck is Dacron wearing? He looks like J. Crew threw up on Miami Vice.



Now she's buttering him up too! In fact, she tells fucking EVERYONE how good-looking they are! Even the guy with no chin and a lazy eye! Everybody gets the "You are so good-looking" treatment. Even Hadron! Speaking of which, he is pretty much Ryan Phillippe's character from "Cruel Intentions" come to life, but less good-looking and a little more fey. Eventually, Boy Band Hair Jef gets the I Can't Even Believe I Got This Rose.

Another solo date, this time with Joe, surprise, she thinks he's "really cute" too, even though he has wind tunnel hair and a flat face. They're off to West Virginia by private jet, not by Greyhound or hitchhiking with a Megan's Law registrant like most people get to West Virginia. Oh, they're going to the Greenbrier, which is actually totally famous and got 4.5 stars on TripAdvisor. She's looking for a "spark" but good luck because this guy is DOA, personality-wise. Like "Where do you want to be in five years?" she goes and he goes "Happy," like wow, dude, great fucking answer, really had to dig deep for that one, huh. THANK GOD she kicks him off and now he can go back to boring the women of the Greater Los Angeles Basin.

Back to the Dazzling Lights of Charlotte for our Cocktail Party. The highlight of this is Sling Blade presenting Emz with a handwritten like 15-page fucking letter on college ruled notebook paper that he insists she read RIGHT THEN and it's all blah blah blah we had funz u r a sweet ladee and Tony has to stand off to the side while she agonizingly reads the whole fucking thing. Ugh, I'm starting to think Ryan is a bigger douche than Krylon. Speaking of, Sav-On and his prosthetic lower lip appear and he does whatever his version of trying to impress her is, and we learn he came with Louis Vuitton luggage, which seems about right.

Rose Ceremony. Some guy with a ponytail gets to stay, ugh. And Charlie! Aw. Oh, and 'Party MC Stevie." LOL. Two guys we don't know get the boot. They are the Lucky Ones. We have been left behind.

The Bachelorette: Quite a staff you've assembled here

Jesus Christ, it feels like it was just yesterday that we were watching Paleolithic Ben propose to the She-Lizard and now BOOM here we are in Charlotte, North Carolina, for fuck's sake, and here's Emily again. I don't know about you guys but I am sick of seeing the same people over and over again. Fucking Brad gets two rounds and now Emily? It's not fair, I tell you.

Establishing shots of Em and Ricki Jr. frolicking in the park and it appears Lil Ricki has her own line of Ricki-branded clothing. For not the first time tonight, we are treated to a recounting of the Legend Of Racecar Ricky, which ends in a plane crash and a not-inconsequential insurance payout, judging by the huge fucking suburban McMansion Ems and the kid are tooling around in. Emily muses that she thought she'd found true love with Brad and oh it didn't work out so we must move on and ugh she said "big girl panties" and there is nothing worse than that phrase.

OK, let's go to the clip package and meet some dudes in their native environments. "Kalon" is not an alien from Planet Zoltron, but instead claims to be a reformed douchebag and we'll see about that. Tony is a roided-out lumber salesman with a kid and a soul patch. Lerone is the token black guy for this season. David is a "singer-songwriter" who we see singing a song with lyrics that consist entirely of "Emileeeeeeeeeee Emileeeeeeeeeeeee" and it sounds like the last squeals of a dying elk and I don't know what kind of audience David is writing for but if it's not grey wolves or the deaf he has a big problem. Charlie was in a terrible balcony collapse and has a brain injury! "I may have had a head injury but there's nothing wrong with my heart," he says. The he says "Who are you people? Why are you here? Is it sandwich time now?" And there's a racecar driver, of course.

At the Stand-In Mansion in Charlotte NC, Chris Harrison is very happy to see Ems, who is sporting a large bruise on her arm and it is suspiciously Little-Ricki-fist-shaped. They have a boring talk about the Legend of Racecar Ricky. CH asks Em what she wants and she says "a minivan full of babies"! I know a guy in China who can set that up for you, Emily!

Time to de-limo some douchebags. Doug is vaguely simian and "left a little boy at home." I hope someone's feeding him, Doug! Kyle looks like he just had a jaw transplant or something. His face isn't lined up right. Oh, here we have Alesandro, a Grain Merchant! He has just arrived from the Middle Ages or a Canterbury Tale. "Stevie" is a "Party MC" which is apparently a job one can have in New Jersey. That's what he writes on his 1040 EZ at the end where it says "Occupation." He puts down "Party MC." What a world. Here comes Charlie! Poor Charlie. What's this, a note? MY NAME IS CHARLIE. PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY WAY HOME.

Round 2. A guy in granny drag. Brent who is from Fresno and looks like it. Travis with a fauxhawk and an ostrich egg which he pledges to carry around the whole show like he's in the junior high pregnancy exercise. Alejandro is a "mushroom farmer" from right here in SF, via Medellin Colombia and there is no doubt that "mushroom farmer" is a euphemism for something else. Em goes all "may yamo Emily" on him and he pretends to be charmed. Ryan has a Sling Blade haircut and a note that says "You Are Beautiful" and he and Charlie will have some nice conversations/sandbox time. Zolan or Kalon or whatever emerges from his Alien Spaceship or helicopter or something.

"Journey" count as of this point: 4.

The Cocktail Party is a good opportunity for us to get to know one another and for grown motherfucking men to humiliate themselves on national television. One dude does this by displaying bobbleheads he had made of himself and Emily. Jesus Christ. There is nothing to say about that. Oh, check it out, Ems has some kind of wrist tattoo!

Is that an "XIV"? No wonder Em speaks Spanish! She's in a prison gang! Anyway, guess who gets the First Impression Rose? The Dad who brought a letter from his kid, natch. Genius move, dude.

Moving on to the Rose Ceremony, and the third bottle of wine in our house. Ems says these losers have "exceeded her expectations." She was apparently "expecting" the cast of "Freaks" or the Redondo Beach Date Rape Team. These guys, on the other hand, all like the "After" picture in a Bosley Clinic Hair Transplant ad. So who makes the cut? "Mushroom Farmer"/narcotraficante, ChArli∃, Ostrich Egg, and some other dorks. Whoa, can't believe she cut the guy with SIX FUCKING KIDS. Guess she didn't want to start her own survivalist colony with that brood. Condoms, dude. Widely available. E-Z to use.

C U Next Tuesday.