How to Make a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Last night on Twitter a fierce battle broke out. It concerned what duty we owe to our fellow man and the nature of empathy. No, I'm shitting you, of course. What it actually had to do with was how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. If you thought ISIS was bad get a load of some of these psychopaths. We had people buttering the bread first, there was some kind of talk about cheese curds, and one freakshow kindly, albeit misinformed, citizen said to put olive oil in the pan.  I had no idea people were so fucked up.

It's cool, I can help.

Liv Tyler eating a grilled cheese.  From Mario Batali's Instagram, apparently.  I just Googled "Liv Tyler eating a grilled cheese" to find it.  

A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH, despite its name, is not prepared on a grill, but in a 10-12" saute pan.  There are three ingredients: bread, cheese, and butter.  Olive oil is not an ingredient.  Mayonnaise is not an ingredient. Chipotle aioli is not an ingredient.  Maybe those are ingredients in some kind of grilled sandwich, but not a grilled cheese.

BREAD.  You can use a wide variety of breads to make a grilled cheese.  The Classic GC is on white bread, and if that's your steeze, Orowheat Buttermilk White does a fine job.  Sourdough also makes an excellent GC.  Try Beckmann's California Sourdough, which is fantastic.

You can use other kinds of bread, too.  Dill rye makes a nice GC with aged swiss (as discussed below), although that is certainly a nontraditional GC.  Wheat is usually fine.  Sliced brioche is heavenly, since each slice of brioche is made with about a stick of butter anyway.

Type of bread you can't make a GC with: hot dog or hamburger buns, sandwich rolls, biscuits, croissants, those weird hard little dinner rolls, banana bread or any other fruit bread (which really aren't bread anyway but cakes but I'm wildly digressing now).

CHEESE.  God has given us many cheeses; use them.  The classics, of course, are cheddar and American, but like I said, swiss on rye is a great GC.  I think the Classic GC is American on white bread, but smoky sharp cheddar on sourdough is a [insert 100 emoji] sandwich.  Smoked gouda on almost any bread.  Don't use mozzarella.  It's too stringy and doesn't belong in a GC anyway.

BUTTER.  Use butter.  Not oil, butter.

METHOD.

Here's where shit went south online.  It appears, to my horror, that some people believe you should butter the bread, then put it in the pan.  This is an absurd waste of time that will just end up shredding the bread like wiping dog feces on onionskin.  Do people who do this just enjoy doing everything in the most difficult fashion possible?  Do you boil one penne at a time?  I guess you toast a bagel and then SMASH IT facedown into a pile of cream cheese and hope some cream cheese sticks.  Lunacy.

Let me make it easy for you.  Put a pan on a burner.  Adjust to medium-low heat.  Let it warm.  Place a pat of butter (about 1/2 tbsp) in the pan.  Enjoy it sizzling and melting.  Place your previously-assembled sandwich in the butter.  Slide it around a little for maximum coverage.  Cook for about a minute and hald, two minutes.  Lift up a corner with a spatula and look.  Is it golden brown, with a slight hint of darker crust forming around the edges?  If so, remove it from the pan.  Drop another 1/2 tbsp butter in.  When it melts (and it will be fast), put the sandwich back in, uncooked side down. Turn the heat down slightly.  Another 90 seconds to 2 minutes.  Voila.

There, was that so hard? 

TK's Recipe of the Week: Gnocchi with Bacon and Escarole

Pasta used to be just dump a sauce over some noodles and call it a day.  Well, fuck that.  Here's how you do pasta: some kind of pasta + some kind of meat + some kind of green + something red.  I like gemelli and Italian sausage and spinach and chopped tomatoes.  This recipe is another version of that.  It's super easy to make but looks hella fancy like from a restaurant.  

I know what you're saying.  "Is gnocchi pasta?"  I don't know, ask Quora.  Who gives a fuck.  This tastes good.

I think I originally got this recipe from Food Network or something.  I definitely stole this picture from Food Network.

Ingredients

3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

2 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into 1/4-inch pieces.

1/2 onion, chopped

1 small head escarole, roughly chopped

Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

1 17 .5-ounce package potato gnocchi

1 1/2 cups cherry tomatoes, halved

1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (about 1 ounce)

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

Heat the olive oil in a large pot or Dutch oven or something over medium-high heat. Add the bacon and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned and crisp, about 7 minutes. Add the onion and continue cooking until softened, about 2 minutes. Stir in the escarole, 1/2 teaspoon salt and a few grinds of pepper. Cook until the escarole is completely wilted, about 3 minutes.  Then stir in the tomatoes.

WHILE ALL THAT IS GOING ON, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the gnocchi and cook as the label directs. It usually takes like 2 minutes and gnocchi comes with its own built-in timer that works like this: when it pops up to the surface of the water, it's ready!  How cool is that? Reserve 1/2 cup cooking water, then drain the gnocchi and add to the pot with the escarole mixture. Add the reserved cooking water and stir to coat, about 1 minute. (Or you can skip the reserved cooking water thing; I usually do, and nothing bad happens.  I guess it's good if the gnocchi starts to stick together but whatever.)  Sprinkle some parsley on top.  Bask in the warm glow of a job well done.

TK's Recipe of the Week: Chorizo and White Bean Stew

Happy Friday!  The Republican nominee for Senate in Nebraska (which is to say, the eventual Senator from Nebraska), Ben Sasse, has some interesting ideas about government and religion! On his website, he says "Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances."  That's what Al Qaeda says too, Ben Sasse!  Cool!  Luckily, my religion forbids the payment of taxes to the government, so I'm off the hook, right?  What the fuck.

My religion is actually chorizo.  That's it.  No god, just chorizo.  The Presidente of Sausages has been featured here before, in Chorizo, Red Pepper, and Fingerling Potato Hash (still the best brunch recipe of all time) and I'm pleased to announce its return today.  This stew is super easy to make and also delicious, fulfilling two of the three requirements for a Perfect Meal.  (The third is wine and you have to supply that independently of this recipe.)

It came originally from Bon Appetit.  Thanks, Bon Appetit!

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 pound fresh Mexican chorizo
1 large onion, thinly sliced
4 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 sprig thyme
2 15-ounce cans cannellini (white kidney) beans, rinsed
2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
Kosher salt, freshly ground pepper
5 ounces baby spinach (about 10 cups)
Smoked paprika (optional)

Let me stop right here and say DO NOT USE that cheap-ass chorizo that's all soft and comes in a plastic tube.  I'm looking at you, Reynaldo's. Either get fresh loose chorizo from the butcher OR in a pinch you can use the fully cooked chorizo they sell at Whole Foods.  I can't remember what the brand is but it's pretty good considering.

OK let's get started.  Now would be a good time to have a glass of grenache.

Heat a tablespoon of oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add sausage and cook, turning occasionally, until browned and cooked through, 15-20 minutes. Transfer sausage to a plate.

(If you're using the precooked stuff, slice it up before you saute it, and also you won't need anywhere near 15-20 minutes.  Just enough to get a nice crisp to the outside.)

Reduce heat to medium. Heat the other tablespoon of oil in same skillet. Add onion, garlic, and thyme sprig. Cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is softened, 5-8 minutes. Add beans and broth and cook, crushing a few beans with the back of a spoon to thicken sauce, until slightly thickened, 8-10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Add spinach by handfuls and cook just until wilted, about 2 minutes.

Slice chorizo (if you were using the raw chorizo, AS DISCUSSED ABOVE) and fold into stew; add water to thin, if desired. Divide stew among bowls; pour everyone more wine; talk about how great your life is now that you have a bowl of chorizo and white bean stew in front of you.

Have a great weekend!

I hope they pick my Kettle Chips recipe!

I meant to buy Backyard BBQ Kettle Chips (the best flavor of Kettle Chips, maybe of all chips) and I bought Buffalo Bleu by accident.  YUCK.  It's too spicy to enjoy as a normal Lunch Chip.  You can see why I made this mistake:

Wait, maybe not.  I got thrown off by the orange, but now I just look dumb.  Oh well.

Kettle Chips website is called STRAIGHTUPFLAVOR.COM because they have a lot of flavor.  Interestingly, one of the features of the STRAIGHTUPFLAVOR.COM experience is the "Recipes" section wherein you can write in with your own recipes involving Kettle Chips!!!!!

Like the "New York Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese," which involves "Fold[ing] in crushed New York Cheddar Kettle Brand® Potato Chips" and "Enjoy[ing] in your favorite chair."  I'm guessing if some of your recipes involve Kettle Brand® Potato Chips, you spend a lot of time Enjoy[ing] your favorite chair.

A lot of the recipes are just ripoffs, though.  They're just recipes that say "Serve with Sea Salt and Vinegar Kettle Brand® Potato Chips."  That's not even trying!  It's like if you entered the Pillsbury Bake-Off and your recipe was "get 5lbs. pork from BBQ restaurant, serve with Pillsbury biscuits on side."  NOT A GOOD STRATEGY.

HEY GUYS DO YOU THINK THEY'LL LIKE MY RECIPE

These vegetarian faux crab cakes were a big hit

2 things: (1) I like crab cakes, but don't particularly like the taste of crab.  I think I like the crispy fried aspect and also I like the taste of Old Bay seasoning; (2) Our friends Stephen and Jessica are vegetarian and come over for dinner not infrequently so I'm constantly looking for new vegetarian things to make so it's not just some pasta again.  Also, Jessica is a fantastic cook and so we're locked in an eternal struggle to see whose cuisine reigns supreme.  (NB: It's possible Jessica doesn't know about this last element.)

Anyway, everybody loved these.  Original recipe from Food & Wine magazine.  Can be vegan too - just sub vegan mayonnaise, whatever the fuck that is, for the mayo.

1. 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for frying
2. 2 1/2 cups fresh corn kernels (cut from 4 ears of corn)
3. 1/4 cup minced onion
4. 1/4 cup minced green bell pepper
5. One 15-ounce can whole hearts of palm—drained, thinly sliced lengthwise and cut crosswise into 3/4-inch lengths
6. 2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning
7. 2 tablespoons chopped flat-leaf parsley
8. 1/4 cup mayonnaise
9. 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
10. 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons plain dry bread crumbs, plus more for coating
11. Salt
12. Freshly ground pepper

1. In a nonstick skillet, heat the 1 tablespoon of oil. Add the corn, onion and bell pepper and cook over high heat until crisp-tender, 4 minutes. Scrape 1 cup of the mixture into a food processor and pulse to a coarse puree.
2. In a bowl, squeeze the hearts of palm to break them into shards. Add the puree and the remaining sautéed vegetables to the bowl, along with the Old Bay, parsley, mayonnaise, mustard and the 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons of bread crumbs. Season lightly with salt and pepper and stir until evenly moistened.
3. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and fill a pie plate with bread crumbs. Scoop scant 1/4-cup mounds of the hearts of palm mixture into the bread crumbs and roll to coat. Form the mounds into eighteen 2-inch cakes and transfer to the baking sheet.
4. Wipe out the nonstick skillet, then add a scant 1/8 inch of oil. Fry half of the cakes over moderate heat, turning once, until crispy, 2 minutes per side. Wipe out the skillet and add clean oil before frying the remaining cakes. Serve the cakes hot.

So that's the official recipe.  I made them  few hours ahead and put them in the fridge; I would recommend you do the same, or else they'll probably fall apart on you.  Mine fell apart a little bit anyway and then individual corn kernels EXPLODED in the oil and sent oil flying everywhere.  NOT COOL MAN.  So watch out for that.

Important Chicken News

If you're here looking for the Bachelorette recap, sorry, sorry, it's not going to be until tomorrow or maybe Thursday but hopefully tomorrow.  Things happened; the center cannot hold; etc., etc.  I'll get to it.

While we're waiting, a bit of news in the Roast Chicken Dept.  As Regular Readers recall, I presented what I believed to be the ne plus ultra of Roast Chicken a while back.  While I stand 100% by that recipe, I have some news on this front that you may or may not find interesting.

America's Test Kitchen is a cooking show that airs, well, all the time on PBS, but which I usually catch on Saturday mornings around 11:30 or 12, I'm not sure, when I'm eating brunch.  The show features an affable, New England-folksy host named Chris Kimball and a number of sidekicks, most notably Julia, who does a lot of the heavy lifting during the cooking portions and has the kind of Virgil role to Chris's Dante, showing him through the shadowy depths of pan sauces and the like, and Adam, the jolly, sometimes bearded Equipment Specialist who tells us the right kind of pastry brush to buy.  All in all, a pleasant ensemble cooking show that specializes in showing you step-by-step techniques to make the ideal versions of recipes, much like its sister magazine, Cook's Illustrated. 

ANYWAY.  The other day we're watching and they claim to have the Perfect Roast Chicken Recipe and they say it's so easy and doesn't involve flipping or brining or the other complicated parts.  COLOR ME INTERESTED CHRIS.  Here's the secret:

1. Preheat an oven-safe skillet inside the oven to 450 degrees. 

2. Cover the bird in olive oil and then salt and pepper it.  That's it.

3. When the oven and the skillet are at 450, put the chicken in the skillet breast side up and then back in the oven for 30 minutes (3.5-4 lbs) to 40 minutes (4-5.5 lbs).  The breast should be around 120 degrees after this portion.

4. Here comes the mindblowing part:  After 30 minutes, TURN THE OVEN OFF and just let the chicken sit inside there for another 30-35 minutes.  Until the breast is around 160 degrees.

5. Then take it out and let it rest for 20 minutes.

I know, right?  The fuck?

Well, we tried it.  It works pretty well!  The meat was really, really tender and moist.  The skin didn't get as crisp as I like (and as you get with the original recipe linked above).  But it is simple, and cuts out the annoying flipping the chicken over step.

(There's also a pan sauce recipe that involves shallots and garlic and butter and chicken broth and if you want that too, just go to the ATK website and register.)

In the market for a warm-weather cocktail? Make a pitcher of Tom Collinses at home!

Hello San Francisco!  It's over been over 70 degrees for two days in a row, so "summer" is here.  Naturally, when warm weather unexpectedly and blessedly arrives, we do everything we can to take advantage of it, and that means OUTDOOR DRINKING.  Instead of your usual PBR/Tecate/cheap rosé, try whipping up a batch of Tom Collinses.  They're delicious, easy to make, and perfect for warm weather.  As an added bonus, they have gin in them but don't taste like gin so they're perfect for that one friend who says she "hates gin" because she drank 8 Seagram's gin & tonics once and threw up.

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup lemon juice (Around 7-8 lemons. Don't buy lemon juice; squeeze the damn lemons. It's not that hard and makes it taste 1000% better.)
3 tbsp sugar
3 cups club soda
About 1 3/4 cups gin; a little more won't kill anyone
Maraschino cherries

A WORD ABOUT GIN: Don't use the cheapest gin, but there's also no need to waste perfectly good Hendrick's in a Tom Collins.  Maybe something mid-range, like Bombay Sapphire?

Microwave the lemon juice and sugar for 1 minute.  Whisk until the sugar is completely dissolved.  Pour the mixture into a pitcher with ice.  Add the gin and the club soda.  Stir for a while.  Serve over ice in a Collins glass.  Garnish with maraschino cherry.  Take a sip, sit back, and say out loud "Where have you been all my life?"

This recipe will make 4 very tall, very strong drinks, or 6 more wimpy drinks.  Use your best judgment.

Enjoy!  We'll be back to Irish coffee within a couple of weeks, no doubt.

TK's Recipe of the Week: I have cracked the secret of roast chicken

Roast chicken is one of those things that famous chefs always say is their favorite thing to make and it's oh so easy and whatever and I'll admit there are a million ways to make a really average roast chicken but getting it perfect is really hard.  I mean, I'm sure Thomas Keller can crank out a solid bird at home, but what about all us dumb people?  Everybody has a different way.  400 degrees?  425?  Breast side up or down?  What do you stick up in there?  The best way is probably the Showtime Rotisserie but I probably think that just because I spent many a hungover Sunday morning watching the oddly hypnotic infomercial, a sample of which is below.


So after a lot of trial and error, I think I have finally stumbled across the perfect combination of recipes. I made this last night and it turned out great - perfectly crisp skin and totally moist inside, even the breasts. This is a combination of recipes from Celebrity Chefs Jamie Oliver and Alice Waters. Thanks, guys!

FIRST, a word about chickens. OF COURSE you only buy Organic Free-range Vegetable-Fed Chickens Who Had a Name and Friends and Outside Interests Prior to their Early but Natural Death, but if you occasionally pick up a Factory Bird from Safewizzle, don't sweat it.

WHAT YOU MUST DO is take that chicken out of the fridge at least and hour before cooking it so it comes up somewhere close to room temp. If you put a cold chick in the oven, it's not gonna cook evenly. OK, let's get started.

1 chicken, duh, around 4 pounds,  at room temp
1 lemon, halved
Salt and pepp
2 tbsp butter
2 tbsp olive oil
Any kind of herbs you like, like rosemary and thyme and whatever else
Some fingerling potatoes or new potatoes

Preheat to 425.

Wash the chicken inside and out.  Take the giblets out and feed them to your dog or whatever.  I guess some people eat chicken hearts and kidneys but not me.  Pat the chicken dry.  Salt and pepper on the inside.  Cut the lemon in half and put half inside the chicken.  At this point, if you want to put some herbs under the skin, be my guest.  That's usually too much hassle for me.  Tie the legs together with cooking twine and put it in a lightly oiled roasting pan, BREAST SIDE UP.  Arrange the potatoes around the chicken in the pan.

In a saucepan, melt the butter with the oil over low heat.  Squueze the other half of the lemon into it. When it's all melted, brush that mixture over the chicken.  The salt and pepper the chicken liberally.

Put it in the oven.  Cook for 20 MINUTES, breast side up.  Something like this:

ACK!  I just realized I didn't tie the legs together in this one.  Don't do that.  Also, I'm sorry this looks like something out of a "Saw" movie.

OK, here's where it gets a little tricky.  After 20 minutes, pull it out.  Wad up some paper towels and use those to grab it on each side, then flip it over so it's breast-side down and looks a little like it's looking for something it lost in the bottom of the pan.  Use a brush and baste this side with the oil/butter mixture in the pan.  Now salt and pepper this side.  Wouldn't hurt to brush the potatoes too.  Back into the oven.

Now we go 20 MINUTES, breast side DOWN.  This circulates the juices or something, I don't know.  I just know it works.

OK, after 20 minutes, pull it out and FLIP IT BACK OVER AGAIN.  Now it's breast side up again.  That's the last time you have to flip it.  Baste it again.

Now go take it easy for a while.  It usually takes about 1 1/4 to 1 1/2 hours, total, from the time you first put it in, so about another 40 minutes from this point.  After 1:15, pull it out and check it.  Although there are all kinds of ways to tell if it's done - if the legs move freely, if the skin on the drumstick has started to separate - the best way is to use a meat thermometer.  Stick it in the thickest part of the thigh.  It should be 175 degrees.  When you see that, it's done.

I KNOW YOU'RE HUNGRY BUT HOLD THE FUCK ON.  We're not there yet.  You need to tent it with foil and let it sit for 10 minutes.  This does something about redistributing the juices.  I don't know what, but it works.  Cut that thing up and enjoy.  Best roast chicken you'll ever have, I promise.

(Well, at home, I mean.  I wouldn't put this up against Nopa's or anything.  But the amount of butter they use in restaurants would make you go pale as a ghost if you knew.)

(If you don't know how to carve a chicken, here is an excellent tutorial.)

TK's Recipe of the Week: Guinness Beef Stew

Well, actually vegetable-beef-Guinness stew, but who's counting.  Beef stew is awesome for the winter but yesterday it was 70 degrees out.  I made it anyway.  I cobbled this recipe together from a Guinness Brewery recipe booklet I got somewhere and another beef stew recipe I got somewhere else.  All beef stew is built on the same premise - throw a bunch of beef and vegetables and broth in a pot and simmer for 2 hours - so it's not like I invented cold fusion over here.  Anyway, enjoy.

1/4 c olive oil
1 1/2 - 2 lbs stew beef, cut into 1-inch pieces or however you big you want
6 large garlic cloves, minced
4 c beef broth
4 c vegetable broth
2 tbsp tomato paste
1 tsp dried thyme NOT 1 TABLESPOON BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE
1 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
2 bay leaves
2 tbsp butter.  Or more.  You can always go more butter.
3 pounds russet potatoes, peeled, cut into like 1-inch pieces, or bigger
1 large onion, chopped
2 cups chopped peeled carrots
Sale and pepper as needed
1 4-pack Guinness in cans with the thing that goes PSSSSSSSSSST when you crack it

Open one of the Guinnesses and begin drinking it.

Heat oil in large heavy pot over medium-high heat.  Add beef, salt and pepper it, and saute until brown on all sides.  Add garlic and saute 1 more minute.  Then add all the broth, tomato paste, thyme, Worcestershire sauce, and bay leaves.  Stir it all up and bring it to a boil.  Then reduce the heat to low, cover, and simmer for about an hour, stirring occasionally.

Open another Guinness and drink it.

Chop up the onion, potatoes, and carrots.  Melt the butter in another big pot over medium heat.  Add the potatoes, carrots, and onions and saute until the potatoes are golden, about 20 minutes.  Add vegetables to the beef stew.  Open another Guinness and pour that in too.  It'll foam up a little, but that's normal.  You're normal.  You're fine.  Now simmer the whole thing uncovered for about 40 minutes. 

Put it into bowls and eat with some crusty bread.  It will be fucking HOT at first, so let it cool down, you idiot.  There should be one Guinness left, so go ahead and have that with it too.  Or red wine, whatever.

Delicious, and it reheats like a champ.  I just had some!  It kicked fucking ass.

I can't believe I just discovered this

I like popcorn. I kind of got into it in the 90's when microwave popcorn first got big. I used to not go to the movies much, which is why (1) I have a huge blind spot for movies, meaning I haven't seen a lot of movies that make people go "Wow, you haven't seen that?" when I tell them I've never seen that. I've never seen Sophie's Choice or Dances With Wolves or any of the American Pie series. I just saw Blade Runner a few months ago, and didn't finish it. Wow, I am really, really getting off topic here, and (2) so I got into microwave popcorn first and theater popcorn second.

So microwave popcorn sucks. Only half the kernels ever pop, and it just doesn't have the right texture or taste. So The Wife bought me an air popper which is awesome if you like to chew on styrofoam packing peanuts.

Then I saw this article about making popcorn on the stove like our ancestors did and I tried it last night and HOLY SHIT I HAVE FOUND THE SOLUTION TO POPCORN. It was so fucking good. I literally can't wait to go home tonight and do it again.

Here's the recipe, if you can even call it a recipe, from the linked article above:

Stovetop Popcorn
Yield: 1 to 3 servings
Time: About 5 minutes

1 generous tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon popcorn kernels
Salt

1. Put the oil in an 8-inch saucepan over medium-high heat. (If you’re using another size saucepan, just use enough oil to cover the bottom in a very thin but unbroken layer.) Add the popcorn; the bottom of the pan should be covered in a single layer of kernels. Cover partially and cook undisturbed until the kernels begin popping. Once the corn is popping in earnest, give the pan an occasional shake.

2. When the popping slows to the point that there’s an interval of 1 to 2 seconds between each pop, remove the pan from the heat and transfer the popcorn to a bowl. Season with salt and serve immediately.

(1-3 servings my ass. 1-1 1/2 servings, more like.)

I mean, GUH-DOI, why did it take me 25 years of popcorn eating to finally realize you could make it like this?

TK's Recipe of the Week or Month or Whatever

I know I said we weren't going to see each other until tomorrow, but I made this crazy good tomato-basil sauce last night and I gotta tell you about it. I was having vegetarians over for dinner, so it's a vegetarian sauce but you could put meat in it. They seemed to enjoy spooning it into their sallow, weak vegetarian bodies, to the extent that you can enjoy anything in life if you're vegetarian. I'm taking the leftovers and putting Italian sausage in it tonight.

The recipe comes mostly from Bon Appetit, with a couple of tweaks.

SPICY TOMATO-BASIL SAUCE

Makes a lot. Like enough for 6 people with some left over.

4 /12 cups canned crushed tomatoes (i.e., about 1 1/2 28-oz cans)
1/4 cup pine nuts
4 1/2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
3/4 cup finely chopped onion
4 large garlic cloves, minced
3/8 teaspoon (or more) dried crushed red pepper
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh basil, divided
1/3 cup dry white wine
1 teaspoon dried oregano
Freshly ground black pepper

Ingredients note: I used crushed tomatoes with oregano already in 'em, so I left out the oregano. Pine nuts are super fucking expensive so be careful yanking the arm down on the bulk bin dispenser or you might have just bought yourself $75 worth of pine nuts. Seriously, are pine nuts individually harvested and cleaned by hand or something?

OK, so put 1 cup of the tomatoes in a blender or food processor or whatever you've got along with the pine nuts and blend until it's really smooth, like a minute.

Heat the oil in a big pot and throw in the onion, garlic, and crushed red pepper. Saute that until the onion is soft, so like 5 minutes or so. Then throw in the rest of the tomatoes and maybe half a cup of chopped basil and the wine and the tomato mixture from the blender. Then simmer that thing for a while.

Bon Appetit says "Simmer sauce until flavors blend, 5 to 6 minutes." The fuck? Simmering 5 minutes is like having sex for 5 minutes. You feel rushed and things don't get a chance to develop well. Simmer that thing as long as you like, but at least 30 minutes. That also makes it thicken up, which I prefer.

I should say here that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing and dumped 2 whole cans of crushed tomatoes in instead of just 4 1/2 cups but it was all cool. I just put in more of everything. It turned out great.

You'll probably want to put in more crushed red pepper too. I don't know if Bon Appetit is an infant or Norwegian or something, but 3/8 teaspoon isn't going to make anything "spicy."

Shit was off the heezy. Serve over pasta or polenta or whatever the fuck you like.

TK's Recipe of the Week

I was going to start this feature a while back and then forgot to. Shit's been super busy and I can't be responsible for that. Anyway, I'm starting it now.

Brunch, as we know, is more than just a meal. It is a Life Requirement on par with oxygen and reality TV. But we can't always go out for brunch. It gets expensive and we can't take our dogs. Instead, tomorrow or Sunday invite some peeps over and make this shit. It is SO FUCKING GOOD that The Wife and The Sister always demand it and I'm all I CAN'T MAKE THIS EVERY TIME YOU BITCHES WANT BRUNCH and they're all SHUT UP AND MAKE THE HASH and then I make the hash.

Sources indicate that this recipe originated with Gordon Ramsay. If that's true, dance in heaven, you foul-mouthed famewhore British son of a bitch, for your gift to us all is immeasurable.

Let's get on with it.

CHORIZO, RED PEPPER, AND FINGERLING POTATO HASH

1 lb. fingerling potatoes
1 large sprig rosemary
Olive oil
8 oz. loose chorizo
1 red bell pepper, diced
Butter
1/2 red onion, finely diced
4 eggs
Sea salt & black pepper
Champagne
Orange juice
Pomegranate juice
Acme Bakery herb slab

Open the champagne. Pour into glass with either orange or pomegranate juice, your choice.

Boil the potatoes in a pot with the sprig of rosemary until they're just cooked, not like super-soft, but enough so a knife slides easily into them. Rinse them in cold water and then get someone to cut them in half or cut them in half yourself, what do I care.

Heat a big pan over medium heat and pour enough olive oil in to coat the bottom. Put in the chorizo and saute it until it begins to release its oil, then throw in the onions and peppers. Take a sip of your drink and saute all that stuff for like 4 or 5 minutes, until the onions start getting soft.

Add the potatoes and a big hunk of butter and mix it all together. Keep stirring it and sauteeing until the potatoes start to get a little crispy, so like 7 to 10 minutes. Salt and pepper the whole thing.

When the potato stuff is almost done, either poach or fry 4 eggs. I like poaching them, but I'm not gonna tell you how to run your life. If you fry them, it's not the goddam end of the world.

Divide up the hash into 4 portions and put an egg on top of each. Serve with the bread and more champagne.

When finished, recline on the couch. Moaning optional, depending on how badly you're hungover.

Serves 4, duh.