SONG BATTLE: The Aftermath, plus Complete Lists

A while back, I happened to mention on Twitter that I had done the very Gen X white male semi-music-obsessive task of compiling a list of my 20 favorite songs of all time, a task heretofore reserved for those on the spectrum and guys who identify with John Cusack in "High Fidelity."  One thing led to another and before I knew it I was locked in some Mortal Combat for Music Geeks-type situation with Olu wherein we would both go on Burrito Justice's radio show on BFF.fm, Monarch of the Airwaves, and have some kind of competition, I guess, pitting some of my songs against some of his songs.  Seems fine.

(Apropos of John Cusack, please enjoy this Internet thing "John Cusack's 30-Year-Dating History Is B-A-N-A-N-A-S."  John Cusack had sex with Janice Dickinson on a plane!  Janice Dickinson [who is on this season's Couples Therapy, BTW] is CRAZY but in that really kind of disturbing way and not the fun throws-plates-on-the-floor-at-parties way.)

AAAANYWAY it was lots of fun and we probably only bored about half the people listening, which would be a new personal best for me.  If you were doing literally anything worthwhile yesterday and missed it and now your life is an Empty Void and has No Meaning, you can listen to it here.  NOTE: If your life is an Empty Void, you will especially enjoy the Joy Division vs. Elliott Smith duo about halfway through.

We didn't get to all our songs, so in the interest of completeness, here are our lists.

TK's Top 20 Songs of All Time

in no particular order

(Like I said, I first compiled this list in 2009.  Before the show I went back and made a few changes because I've grown as a person since then and also I fucked up in a few places like putting "Ghosts" by The Jam on the original list instead of "In the City," which is about 1000x better.)


First, the ones that made the show:

Rolling Stones, "Monkey Man"
Guided by Voices, "Everywhere with Helicopter"
The Jam, "In the City"
Wolf Parade, "Shine a Light"
The Clash, "Rudie Can't Fail"
Beulah, "Landslide Baby"
The Weakerthans, "Reconstruction Site"
Elvis Costello & The Attractions, "Beyond Belief"
The Shins, "So Says I"
The Libertines, "Can't Stand Me Now"
The Replacements, "Bastards of Young"
The Velvet Underground, "Cool It Down"
Elliott Smith, "Independence Day"

And the ones you didn't hear:

The Wrens, "Ex-Girl Collection"
Trashcan Sinatras, "Circling the Circumference"
R.E.M., "Disturbance at the Heron House"
Modest Mouse, "Gravity Rides Everything"
The Pogues with Kirsty MacColl, "Fairytale of New York"
Pavement, "Spit on a Stranger"
Game Theory, "We Love You Carol and Alison"

And now presenting Olu's Top 20 Songs of All Time

also in no order that I'm aware of


The ones you heard:

Built to Spill, "Else"
DJ Shadow, "The Six Day War"
Blonde Redhead, "I Am Taking Out My Eurotrash" [Ed: This wins for Best Song Title of the Day, if nothing else]
The Roots, "You Got Me"
Fugazi, "Waiting Room"
Cat Power, "Cross Bones Style"
Guided by Voices, "Watch Me Jumpstart"
Joy Division, "Twenty Four Hours"
Brand Nubian, "Slow Down"
The Pharcyde, "Passing Me By"
Galaxie 500, "Ceremony"
Bill Withers, "Who Is He and What Is He To You"
Shannon, "Let the Music Play"

And here's what Olu left on the bench:

GZA, "Duel of the Iron Mic"
Sonic Youth, "Tunic (Song for Karen)"
Gossip, "Heavy Cross"
Souls of Mischief, "93 'til Infinity"
Nas, "New York State of Mind"
Notorious B.I.G. f/ Methid Man, "The What"
Elliott Smith, "2:45 a.m."

Olu also noted that he was "missing" 2 songs which means I guess they'd be on there if he had a redo, The Clash, "Guns of Brixton" and Neutral Milk Hotel, "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea."  You know what?  I might put NMH's "The King of Carrot Flowers" on my list if I did it again.

Who won, you ask?  Who knows?*  It seemed pretty evenly split to me.  And it's really not about the competition.  It's about the spirit of togetherness and enjoying good music.

*I won.

I'm looking forward to the next one!

Girl Scout cookies, ranked

10. (Tie) Cranberry Citrus Crisps/Rah Rah Raisins

"Cranberry Citrus Crisps" sounds suspiciously healthy.  Oh, it's "filled with 9 grams of whole grain!"  So it IS healthy.  NICE TRY GIRL SCOUTS.  You know what I'm not filled with?  Fucking Cranberry Citrus Crisps.

Rah Rah Raisins are just oatmeal raisin cookies but with yogurt chunks in them.  Why you gotta mess up a perfectly good oatmeal raisin cookie by putting yogurt chunks in it?

DISCLAIMER: I've never actually eaten either one of these, but I've never eaten compost before either and I can tell that wouldn't taste good.

9. Trefoils

Those hard little shortbread things.  There's nothing wrong with them, I guess, they're just boring.  They're the The Economist of cookies.

8. Lemonades

Trefoils, but tarted up with some lemon icing.  I see what you did there, Lemonades, and you're not fooling anyone.

7. Thanks-a-Lot

Trefoils, but with fudge on the bottom, and an "embossed 'Thank You' in English, French, Chinese, Swahili or Spanish." You can act like you're the Model U.N. of cookies, Thanks-a-Lots, but we know you're just Trefoils with a tan.

6. (Tie) Toffee-tastic/Trios

Of course there was going to be gluten free Girl Scout cookies.  I picked up a box of Toffee-tastics after my dealer chirpily told me "I tried them and I was surprised!  They're not bad!"  Girl was right, they're not bad, but you only get a single sleeve because only rich people have the time and money to be allergic to gluten.

I don't know anything about Trios.

5. Do-si-dos

Now we're getting into the money cookies.  Do-si-dos are peanut butter sandwich cookies not unlike Nutter Butters I guess.  They're good - certainly better than anything Trefoil-based, you can be sure - but maybe a little dry?

4. Samoas

The caramel and coconut ones.  They've been kicking ass and taking names since my little sister was a Girl Scout and she's in her 30's now.  Samoas are never not good.

3. Savannah Smiles

As far as we know, not named after either the Okkervil River song or delightful 1982 family comedy, these lemon-flavored sugar-dusted half-moons go down smoother than 12 year old scotch.  They should be called SAVANNAH FUCKING KICKS ASS instead of Savannah Smiles.

2. Tagalongs

Peanut butter coated in chocolate has been done - I see you there, Reese's - but Tagalongs benefit from a crunchy cookie base.  Get on our level, Reese's, or shut your damn mouth.

1. Thin Mints

BOW DOWN MOTHERFUCKERS.  You are in the presence of greatness.  Do  people take a nightmarish 12-hour flight to Paris and then put up with the French because the Mona Lisa is just a good painting?  No, they do it because it's the best.  Why does everyone buy Thin Mints?  Because Thin Mints makes every other cookie look like hot garbage.  Elegant in its simplicity, perfect in design, Thin Mints is as pure an expression of American exceptionalism as tractor rodeo.  Accept no substitutes.

Let's make fun of some city flags!

Via Burrito Justice, I have learned that the North American Vexillogical Association, which is an organization devoted to flags and not to bothering people, as you might imagine, did a survey of city flags in 2004 and published the "winners."  (I'm not linking to the survey directly because when I clicked on it my computer's virus protection FREAKED OUT and so the NAVA may have some evil computer infiltrating motive I'm not aware of.  Anyway.)

Most of them are depressingly similar.  A couple of stars, some color swatches, maybe a banner, a dude on a horse or in a boat, let's call it a day.  Some are worth looking at, though.

#1 was Washington DC.

YAWN.  Whatever.  It's got some bars, it's got some stars, it's got one color, red.  It would make a passable airline logo.  Best city flag?  Not even

#2 was Chicago.  It's another bore, but at least it has some blue.  #3 was Denver.

Flag, or logo of the Mid-Mountain Mining and Materials Corp.? You decide.

St. Louis, at #5, I kinda like, because it looks like it was designed by a drunk:

WHOA DUDE.  STOP WIGGLING.  Gotta admit, it's got some flava.

Colorado Springs, at #19, is....interesting.

That is some straight-up Yellow King shit right there.  Or maybe they're going for an African mask-kinda vibe?

I like it!

#23 St. Petersburg FL features a logo from an Op shirt I had in the later 80s:

Anchorage (#29) is basically a beer company logo.

Birmingham (#39) straight-up looks like a lesser-known Communist country.  Maybe in Central America?

I bet you 90% of Birminghamians of whateverTF they are would flip their fucking lids if they knew this was their flag.

I like that Fort Worth (#67) isn't gonna keep anyone guessing.

Ugly and obvious, just like everything else in Texas!

Lincoln Nebraska (#88) would like you to know WE HAVE NO SHORTCOMING IN ANY DEPARTMENT!!!

And so forth.  Most of them are just boring, like I said.  Want to see a real shitshow, though?

Untington! Oh, shit, wait, is that thing an "H"?  Or what the fuck is that thing?  I guess it's an H.  Huntington will be geared for progress once it can figure out how to draw a fucking H.

Everyone knows that SF has the best flag.  It was #35.

*sniff*

My favorite tweets of 2014

Once is an incident; twice is a trend. Three times is a tradition.  Welcome to TK's Top Tweets of 2014.

2014 could've been better... pic.twitter.com/fOxJAFwDtg
— Will Menaker (@willmenaker) December 26, 2014

It's hard to say any year totally sucked when you have a kid because they light up your life and give you hope to carry on etc but 2014 was kind of a garbage year. Between everyone in our family dying including the fucking DOG and the world pretty much going to shit what with the police brutality and the Isis and what have you I'm not sad to see it go.

It's mind boggling that we trained a seal to kill Osama Bin Laden.
— Bert (@BertCarrillo) December 1, 2014

Nevertheless there were good parts and these tweets are part of the good parts.

Ma'am I'm doing everything I can pic.twitter.com/7xy0g9FWKg
— White V Black Twitta (@WhiteVsBlackTwt) November 18, 2014

"You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014

"Did we do good, Barry?" Real good Joe "Tell me bout congress Barry" Democrats far as the eye can see [Obama raises gun behind Biden's head]
— acetaminofun (@crylenol) November 5, 2014

Harold Reynolds doing World Series analysis... pic.twitter.com/1fk2SE8hOo
— Daren Willman (@darenw) October 27, 2014

JESUS: now, I'll turn water into wine GUY: misdirection. the wine's up his sleeve JESUS: don't—Luke, don't write that. this doesn't go in
— acetaminofun (@crylenol) October 3, 2014

TOGETHER WE CANT EVEN
— Dan Jackson (@DanJackson415) September 26, 2014

I actually went to look up what was happening with the Giants on Sept. 25 that made Dan tweet this, which perfectly summarized a season that was beyond frustrating right up until they won the fucking World Series. The Giants were playing the Padres and were up 6-0, then gave up 8 runs in the 6th and 7th innings. My forensic analysis of the timestamp on this tweet leads me to believe that's when Dan sent this out. As it happens, the Giants then came back, scored 3 runs in the bottom of the 7th, and clinched a playoff spot. Unbelievable.

Opening a new cocktail bar with @cdouble2073 called "the motherfuckin hood tho" serving only $14 drinks and lite bar fare. White folks only
— Richie Nakano (@linecook) August 22, 2014

who the fuck sac bunts in the little league world series SMH
— Lindsey Adler (@Lahlahlindsey) August 15, 2014

i'm beginning to regret my subscription to The Ominous Times pic.twitter.com/IHQ9JIaV9Q
— MarkusJ (@MarkusJ) August 7, 2014

How the hell we supposed to trust Atlanta to keep ebola quarantined when Gucci Mane released 8 mixtapes from jail?
— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) August 1, 2014

*Jaden Smith in school *raises hand Teacher: yes? Jaden: How Can Mirrors Be Real If- Teacher: Jaden I swear 2 god I will get u expelled
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@YungOutline) June 16, 2014

REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album? OBAMA: What kind of question is -- [biden grabs podium] BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
— blupman (@blippoblappo) April 26, 2014

Every eHarmony ad looks like they do a good job of matching up 6's.
— Saucy Peeps (@saucypeeps) March 11, 2014

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 4, 2014

Philz is playing Sugar Ray, which is having the same effect on customers as filling the place with bear spray.
— Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) February 28, 2014

@linecook Ramen is a flat circle, if you look from the top. We are all eating noodles in eternity forever. Yellow King add-on $4.
— Andrew Dalton (@dolftown) February 20, 2014

THE YEAR IS 2016. FACEBOOK DOWN FOR TWO YEARS NOW. AMERICA'S NEW MOMS ROAM THE STREETS. IS MY BABY PRETTY? THEY SAY. PLEASE LIKE MY BABY.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) August 1, 2014

This is the worst analysis of anything ever written in history http://t.co/XrZ1KamPcV pic.twitter.com/WYUJ1hB5qh
— Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew) August 23, 2014

If there was any better summary of San Francisco in 2014 than a techie's Mom writing to tell seniors and the disabled to get the fuck out of the way of her son's road to wealth, I can't imagine what it was.

Time to go, 2014. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

My favorite tweets of 2013

I meant to do this annually, but I did it once in 2010 and forgot.  Anyway, I feel like it's been a while and I need to post something and I don't really have anything substantive to say.

(You don't want to hear about recycling poachers any more, but let me just say that my next-door neighbor has invented a new way to make recycling poaching even more annoying.  Last night he waited until the RP was outside on the sidewalk and then rained down empty cans from his second-story window, like a medieval townsman emptying a chamber pot, except instead of shit it was empty aluminum cans that pinged off the sidewalk like TINK! TINK! TINK! while the RP scrabbled around scooping them all up.  Unbelievable.)

Without further ado.

Mondays, amirite? pic.twitter.com/zw2HAYR64Z

— Lindsey (@Lahlahlindsey) March 11, 2013

The look on the dog's face.

my Boston PD source says an arrest has been made and also he's not the fucking rat YOU'RE the fucking rat you lace-curtain motherfucker
— alex pareene (@pareene) April 17, 2013

Shazam, but for feelings.
— Kate Horton (@ladymisskate) May 4, 2013

Girl, are you a hotel swimming pool, because you sure are shallow and seem to have a chemical imbalance.
— clowntraps (@clowntraps) May 13, 2013

Well, I'm sure a Florida lottery winner will act responsi- (AIRSHIP MADE OF OLD FORD MUSTANGS AND ILLEGAL PETS EMERGES FROM THE CLOUDS)

— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) May 19, 2013

That's one of my favorite tweets of all time, actually.

"She called her sister & they talked about what they ate & how guilty they felt about eating it." - NSA listening to my phone conversations

— Sonia Mansfield (@TheSoniaShow) June 7, 2013

@brittneyg oh sorry about that

— Richie Nakano (@linecook) June 23, 2013

Oh a start up?????!!!!!!! Sounds cool tell me mKILL YOURSELF

— Дашка (@dashkanekrasova) July 10, 2013

Topical!

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) July 19, 2013

I'm a big fan of the "Girl are you" and the "Girl you can call me" tweetforms.

*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013

I just found this one a couple of days ago, even though it's from July, and have been laughing about it ever since.

Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, I imagine what they'd look like as a chair. I've been tested for autism twice.

— Molly McAleer (@molls) July 26, 2013

Hi I'm 2 Chainz, as you all know, I love big booty hoes. But there's nothing "big booty" about childhood diabetes

— Larry Bird (@stonerfish420) August 8, 2013

Realest dude alive is the guy dressed as a croissant at the Yeezus show.

— Otto Von Biz Markie (@Passionweiss) October 27, 2013

The Wife and I both laugh every time someone mentions this tweet, which is a lot in our house.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

— 5318008 (@primawesome) December 4, 2013

Strong contender for best tweet of the year.
See you next year! I promise to work harder on the content side.

Today's Power Rankings

Vuvuzela	▼	Is there any way we could add an annoying monotone drone to every televised sporting event?
Vuvuzela Twitter feed	▲	In the future, every phenomenon will have its own satirical Twitter feed
Gavin in Shanghai	▲	Bring me back a #23 and an order of green onion pancake
Vampires	▲♂	There has to be a "Lost Boys" remake in preproduction somewhere, right? I haven't checked, but it's gotta be happening, right?
World Cup officiating		Makes NBA refs look like…I don't know, really good refs or something
Sharron Angle	►☺	Put a little crazy in your Senate
New Bret Easton Ellis novel	▬	In other news, Bret Easton Ellis is still alive and writing novels, apparently
Treaty of Ghent	£▲	Still one of the best treaties
Lakers	▲	Kobe is the MVP. OF RAPING.
Watermelon	▲	The Miracle Food™
Oil spill	◙▼	BP has discovered an extraordinarily efficient way to move stuff that was inside the Earth to outside the Earth
Tagging the Buddha sculpture in Civic Center Plaza	▼	You people are assholes.
Jeremy London kidnapping	♣	Now me! Now me!

Today's Power Rankings

Sleigh Bells, “Treats”	▲◊	YOUR SUMMER JAM HAS ARRIVED. PLEASE PICK UP AT WINDOW 3.
Dinner tomorrow night at secret underground supper club	▲	“Includes unlimited wine”? You are playing a dangerous game, my friend
Bay to Breakers	▬	My 20th consecutive year of not participating in any way except to bitch about the helicopters at 7 am
Facebook	▼•	I knew I could sit this one out and join the next one
Giants hitters	▼▼ ▼◊	I’ve seen more punch in a fight between 2 toddlers
The couple that sprang their pit bull and then fled to Reno with their killing machine in tow	▲	The new face of white trash
SF Bay Guardian commenters	▲	The antimatter version of SFGate commenters
Oil spill	▬	It’s bad; on the other hand, getting a little tired of it.
Going to Chicago for Pitchfork Festival	▲	Oh great, another event at which I’ll be wildly inappropriately aged
Cupcakes and bacon	▼	Please go join ahi tuna towers and Asian fusion in the Room of Tired Food Trends
Carly Fiorina	▼	Endorsed by Sarah Palin! That’s big in California
Japanese tourists	▲	So cute