Todays' Worst Groupon of the Day

Lily European Pedi-Mani Salon – San Mateo
One or Three Adult Deluxe Mani-Pedi Packages or One Kids' Deluxe Mani-Pedi Package

Yes, that's right. A KIDS' DELUXE MANI-PEDI PACKAGE. At first, I was all like "Maybe they mean teenagers." But no, the Fine Print says "Must be 15 or under for children's option."

That's fucked.

I mean, it's bad enough these days with the overprotective helicopter parents and the kids being super-indulged and running around crazy in restaurants while the parents sigh and say "Isn't Colton adorable?" But this is fucked up. If you think your 8-year-old needs a mani-pedi, you are hereby sentenced to watch 10 episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras" UNIRONICALLY. That means no laughing/no making fun of anyone on that show.

If your child needs nail work done, get some nail clippers from Walgreens and go to town. But if you strongly believe that your child would benefit from having its "feet soak in a bacteria-free crystal pedicure bowl filled with fragrant rose petals and orange slices" and then having someone "exfoliate feet and invigorate lower legs with a soothing massage before daubing epidermal canvases with a moisturizing mask and a coat of warm, skin-softening paraffin wax," you are part of the problem and not part of the solution. You probably don't vaccinate either and you're the reason we're all going to die of whooping cough and rubella. Thanks a lot.

Today's Worst Groupon of the Day

$9 for 10”x17” Personalized Letter from Santa ($19.99 Value)

Jesus Christ. Is this what it's come to?

Wait, I think I can make out the text!

Dear Insert Child's Name,

It has been a cold and snowy winter here at the North Pole. Making presents for all the children is hard, but not as hard as parenting! Keeping up with you little shits while Dad and Mom are trying to put together some semblance of a living wage in this postmodern fuckhole we call an economy can be very taxing. So when they get home from a day of eating shit to placate their demented paranoid schizophrenic boss, they don't really have time to break out the old calligraphy tools and pen a faux letter from the God replacement we call "Santa." So they hired this company to do it instead! They know how much you love insert name of store-bought crap here and insert $5 check from Grandma here, so you'll be getting that. Now they're going to have a box of wine and glaze out to NCIS so please shut up.

Also, fuck paying $19.99 for this shit. 9 bucks sounds more their speed.

In other news, making the usual Thanksgiving trip to the Red States, so updates may be severely limited, etc. You'll be fine.

Today's Worst Groupon of the Day

You knew this was eventually coming:

$97 for Intimate or Glamour Photo-Shoot Package with Print and Photo CD ($350 Value)

Glamour photography! Nothing says 1986 mall shop more than glamour photography. You know what the problem with glamour photography is? It works backwards. It's the only form of photography that can make otherwise totally attractive people look terrible.

See, they say you'll look like this:



But you're actually going to look like this:



Oh, wait, no you're not! What the fuck do you mean, "Women only"? THAT'S FUCKING SEXIST. THANKS A LOT, GROUPON. NOW MY DREAM OF BEING GLAMOUR PHOTOGRAPHED HAS DIED.

Is Groupon still a viable concern? I heard they fucked up their IPO real bad. The very last Groupon will be for Groupon itself and there will only be one for sale. WHOA DUDE THAT IS SO FUCKING META.

In conclusion, glamour photography is funny.

Today's Worst Groupon of the Day

$139 for One 2010 World Series MVP Edgar Renteria–Autographed Baseball, Including Shipping

Yes, we love Edgar Renteria, of course. I mean, he made $10 million in 2010 and played in, what, 70 games? True, true, he did hit 2 key home runs in the World Series, thus backing into the WS MVP award. Look, everyone, including you and me, knows that the MVP of the 2010 World Series was the Giants' pitching staff, but they can't give it to a pitching staff, so they gave it to Edgar Renteria.

Anyway, if you're just DYING to get an Edgar Renteria signed 2010 World Series baseball, here's one for $134 with free shipping. There, I just saved you five bucks. But really, why do you want an Edgar Renteria signed baseball? This is the guy who called a $1 million offer to come back to the Giants "a total disrespect." I mean, Edgar, I know you were the WS MVP and all, but you're also a 34-year-old shortstop who hit .250 and .276 in the last 2 years and has clearly lost a step fielding. I would say a mil is about right for that. Yes, it's the Giants' fault you were grossly overpaid last year, but just wearing a sash doesn't make you Miss America.

Today's Worst Groupon of the Day

$50 for a Narrated, GPS-Guided GoCar Tour ($103 Value)

Hey, ever wanted to feel like a complete fucking idiot? I guess you could wear a WWE t-shirt or watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men," but what if you wanted to get some fresh air and see some sights at the same time?

Ever feel like tooling around town in a banana-yellow plastic box with a lawnmower engine while wearing a helmet and trying to pretend people aren't laughing at you?

Then Groupon has a deal for you.

We may be smiling, but our souls are dying.

That's right! For only $50, instead of $103, you can be one of those people! VROOM VROOM! It has a racing stripe. You have finished First in the Please Kill Me 500.

(Incidentally, in case you haven't heard, Google is in the process of buying Groupon for FIVE BILLION DOLLARS. I am not fucking kidding. FIVE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS. I mean, obvi people like Groupon and it's a big success all around and YAY LOOK WE GOT 20 CUPCAKES FOR $5 and whatnot, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST $5,000,000,000?!!?! WHAT THE FUCK.)

(So at first I was like "Awww, I shouldn't make fun of plucky little Groupon, but FUCK THAT. Now the founder of Groupon who's probably 24 years old and was born after Scooby-Doo went off the air is going to be filling his hot tub with $100 bills and Cristal and Thai hookers.)

Now, when I see someone in a GoCar - which isn't very often, since I'm rarely in the Fisherman's Wharf area, except when I need to pick up an "Alcatraz Mental Ward" sweatshirt or eat at Bubba Gump's - I usually resist the urge to cut them off and see how a GoCar fares against an American-made bumper, but I can't guarantee that all drivers will be so charitable.

(SIDE NOTE: Have you ever looked at the list of stores in Pier 39? HOLY SHIT. "Lefty's, the Left Hand Store"! 2 different magnet stores! "WE BE KNIVES"!!!! The mind reels.)

This has been your Worst Groupon of the Day.