Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Bachelor: Nothingness

Second night in a row.  Ugh, I just can't anymore with this show.  Even the episodes that are carefully designed to be Full of Drama are boring. It's so bad. The falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart. The centre cannot hold.

There is some kind of water-based date with Clare or Carla or whatever the fuck her name is.  The she bursts into flames.  Only her name will live on.  She belongs to the angels now.

We see a scene of a rat clawing desperately at the corner of a cardboard box.  Then a commercial for yogurt. The yogurt is us.

That chick and the guy go to an impoverished village.  The white people give the black people the gift of food and drink.  No medicine is available.  Somewhere we hear the plaintive cry of a loon.

On another occasion, people ride horses.  This is an extended metaphor, but it is about nothing.  Is that a bird tattoo, or a cry for help?

The girl from before complains that a man didn't ask her any questions.  She wants him to know her political views but he is not interested in that, or her religion.  He has peered into the blank void of her soul and contented himself that there is nothing there of value.  Her eyes spin in crazy circles but he cannot see.

I am become Juan Pablo, destroyer of worlds.  

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Bachelor: Don't touch Mama

It's Hometowns Week!  What does that mean to you?  Nothing hopefully.  What it means to me is that I have to watch this fucking show 2 nights in a row.  See you in hell, ABC.

Oh great, we're starting in Kansas City.  I have beef with Kansas City, so to speak.  Anyway, that's where Rootsy's from.  Figures.  They do the usual park meetup and then go get some BBQ and then go to an empty bar and ride a mechanical bull.  It's like Urban Cowboy but with less Scott Glenn and more peroxide and vapidness.  Over to Rootsy's house, where everyone is so scrubbed and white and wholesome that the one brother with a neatly trimmed beard is so outré by comparison that he might as well be a heroin addict public masturbator.  Rootsy's a Rich and her house is one of those usual suburban nightmares where it looks like Pier One threw up on Country Living.  They have dinner next to a Viking Great Hall fireplace and they're all "whatever decision is fine" and nothing interesting happens except Roots tells Dad that being a Suddenly Mom at 26 will be no problem because she's been shown a lot of love!  HO HO HO.  If that made sense, beagle puppies could operate an MRI machine.

Act II: Atlanta.  Andi.  Her hair is two different colors now!  The Wife says, mysteriously, that this is due to "Ombre," which I gather is a contagious disease of some kind that gives you awful looking two-tone hair.  Oh, good, they're off to the shooting range.  Welcome to Stereotype America, Whan.  Andi describes herself as "salivating" over the prospect of popping off a few rounds and hey, whatever.  Whan is TERRIBLE at guns.  He finally hits the fucking target after like 30 tries.  If there is a poor charging at you and you need to Stand Your Ground, Whan is not the one you want holding the AR-15.

Andi's family is even more white and scrubbed than Rootsy's.  Dad LITERALLY looks like a bullet and there are probably not a lot of Obama voters in this household.  The producers are trying to make it look like Dad is some kind of maniacally confrontational asshole but he's actually just NORMAL in that he's somewhat suspicious of the idea of his daughter marrying some dude she's been on ONE date with.  Meanwhile, Mom is MILFing on Whan and touching his arm and asking him to dance and Andi literally throws herself between them like Jesus Mom you're embarrassing me please stop touching the foreigner.

Next we travel to Sarasota Florida and during the Establishing Shots they show the skyline and beach and WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING

In case you can't tell, that's not people recreating the famous picture, it's some kind of nightmarish public art thing that looks like it's about 40 feet tall and hopefully will one day come to life and trample the hapless citizenry.

(Oh God, it's 25 feet tall and somebody paid half a million dollars for it.)

Anyway, back to our regular horrifying thing.  Mom Renee is here.  "I'm going to literally eat my son when I see him" she says.  Your cannibal cult activities will not play here Renee!  Admittedly, her reunion with the kid is pretty cute, despite her failure to literally eat him.  They're at his little league game, and son Ben reports that he plays "shortstop, pitcher and catcher mostly" and JESUS CHRIST let's get this team some more personnel because Ben is stretched a little thin.  Renee's family seems OK.  Mom is clearly one of those ice-clinking-in-the-cocktail-tumbler-at-3-pm types and they're all fine and nothing happens.

Our last stop is beautiful Sacramento, the Kansas City of California.  Here's Krazy Klare and Whan says "I can't wait to see why you are the way you are."  ME TOO WHAN.  There's a strange interlude with something about dead Dad and then we're throwing rocks at the hapless geese in the pond and then off to meet the fam. HOLY SHIT IT'S A TON OF CHICKS.  Luckily they're all wearing different pastel colored shirts so we can tell them apart.  Sister # Whatever says "My dad was the ultimate Southern gentleman and Juan Pablo seems that way to me."  Yeah, if you KEEP GOING FARTHER AND FARTHER SOUTH.  Sister Green Shirt is officially here to piss on Clare's parade.  She thinks Clare is "manipulating Mama" who is apparently a mute and then hides in the bushes to make sure nobody talks to Mama?  Or something?  SGS makes Clare look like a Zen master.  Whan wants to talk to Mama and when SGS tries to body check him he uses the soothing tones you would use to calm a frightened animal or a schizophrenic and this seems to work.  Oh, Mama speaks Spanish!  Perfect, they can discuss how Venezuela is caliente, no I didn't make that up.  Mama actually has more sense than the rest of them combined.  Clare and Whan top it off with a makeout sesh that suggests she might violate the No More Fucking rule right there in the driveway.

OK, let's shoot this horse in the head.  We're in Miami and Whan reads a script about everyone's "amazing family" and whatnot.  First Rootsy then Krazy Klare and then since we've already seen 10,000 promos for tomorrow, we know it's Andi and not Mom.  Bad choice dude, now who's gonna therapy the other chicks when you don't have time?  Renee is on her way out and says "There are actually men exist like him" which yeah, I guess so.

Tune in tomorrow for some shocking something blah blah blah shoot me.

Friday, February 21, 2014

What I'm looking for

Grenoble - Was on House Hunters International last night; wanted to look up where in France it was

423-648-4908 - Called our home phone; didn't recognize number, so Googled it; appears to be a survey of some kind?

Pacsun - You know, the woman who bought the dirty t-shirts; wanted to see the shirts

Shanghai Tunnel - Didn't understand the reference in this Generic tweet; still don't, really

CHP accident - Caught the tail end of the story on the news, wanted to know more.  Tragic.

Infant swim seat - We're going to Arizona in a few weeks.  Staying at a place with a pool.  Into the water, Beyonce!

Bill Nye - Had some dustup with some idiot Congressperson I wanted to read about.

QR code reader - I needed a QR code reader

True Detective - Needed my TD info; there is so much TD info

Katie Lee dating - I actually just entered "Katie Lee" because I saw her on some cooking show and she looked familiar; turns out it's the same Katie Lee who used to be married to Billy Joel and hosted the first season of Top Chef.  Google autofilled "dating," as it do.  (She was dating Will Arnett, BTW)

the kitchen food network - The aforementioned Katie is on the Food Network show "The Kitchen."  As far as I know, there is no network called "The Kitchen Food Network" but if you want to start it, let's do it.

Turley zinfandel - Had it with dinner at The Cavalier; was delicious; wanted to see what the markup was.  (Restaurant: $80; retail: $29. Not TOO bad.)

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lyric Deconstruction: "Reflektor"

Arcade Fire, 2013

Remember when I lyric deconstructed "This'll Be My Year" by Train, featuring Pat Whatshisface's terrible, terrible, terrible lyrics?  Train fans got SO MAD.  Like, kar424 said "I came to this website because i couldn't figure out the baby girl lyric(which you didn't even try to explain), but ended up being semi-offended by alot of what you said. why did you make the generalization that most people don't like Train? From what i read majority of the people here do. what did trian ever do to you?"

Oh, where do I start with what trian did to me, kar424.

Anyway, let's move on to Arcade Fire and "Reflektor."  You can tell this song is laden with meaning because they spelled Reflektor with a "k," like European!  Also, everything Arcade Fire does is Very Important and Serious.

Trapped in a prism
In a prism of light
Alone in the darkness
Darkness of white
We fell in love
Alone on a stage
In the reflective age

Luckily, I don't have to do any work, because the genii at have already figured it all out for us:

The "reflection" alluded to is created from confirmation bias we create when searching for our salvation. The song begins with “Trapped in a prism, in a prism of light”, the individual feels alienated. The individual then believes they have found the answer while they begin a journey with love, or with religion, or whatever the object of their affective is. The individual then has the epiphany “I thought I found the connector It’s just a Reflektor (It's just a Reflektor)”. The “connector” is not love or religion, it is just an illusion created by our own perspective. My interpretation is that Arcade Fire is pleading for the audience to lift the veil or ignorance.

Oh God.  Oh God.  Please stop talking.

Entre la nuit, la nuit et l’aurore.
Entre le royaume, des vivants et des morts.

Gobbledygook!  Or French.  Same diff.  I think she's saying "Enter the nut. The nut of Laura. Enter the raisin, of Viva and the moles."  Something like that.

If this is heaven
I don’t know what it’s for
If I can’t find you there
I don’t care

I thought I found a way to enter
It’s just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)
I thought I found the connector
It’s just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)

Sounds important!  OK, so he thought he found a way to enter but it's just a Reflektor (just a Reflektor).  This means that it is an illusion created by our own perspective.  Nah, I'm just fucking with you.  It doesn't mean anything at all.  That's the true meaning of the song: THERE IS NO MEANING.


The signals we send
Are deflected again
We’re still connected
But are we even friends?

We fell in love when I was nineteen
And I was staring at a screen

Entre le nuit, le nuit et l’aurore.
Entre les voyants, les vivants et les morts.

If this is heaven
I need something more
Just a place to be alone
Cause you’re my home???

I thought I found a way to enter
It’s just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)
I thought I found the connector
It’s just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)

It’s just a reflection of a reflection
Of a reflection of a reflection

Will I see you on the other side?
We all got things to hide

It’s just a reflection of a reflection
Of a reflection of a reflection

Will I see you on the other side?
We all got things to hide

Alright, let’s go back

Our song escapes
On neon silver discs
Our love is plastic
We’ll break it to bits

I want to break free
But will they break me?
Down, down, down
Don’t mess around

I thought I found a way to enter
It’s just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)
I thought I found the connector
It’s just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)

Thought you would bring me to the ressurector
Turns out it was just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)
Thought you would bring to me the ressurector
Turns out it was just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)
Thought you would bring to me the ressurector
Turns out it was just a Reflektor (It’s just a Reflektor)

It’s a Reflektor
It’s just a Reflektor
Just a Reflektor

Will I see you on the other side?

It’s just a Reflektor

Will I see you on the other side?
We all got things to hide

It’s just a Reflektor

Will I see you on the other side?

OH MY GOD IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON.  It's like an 8 minute song!  Jesus Christ, Arcade Fire, go get a Coke.  Take a break. Songs should only be like 3 1/2 minutes long.

Anyway, I'm sure this is all fraught with meaning.  Take it away,!

One of Nietzsche's big ideas was that of the "übermensch" - the "overman" that could break free of the conventions of society and humanity to be his true self. Arcade Fire has been big on eschewing technology whenever possible and taking part in human connection (a big theme in The Suburbs), so this ties in with that pretty nicely, I think.

Sounds good to me! Fuck.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Bachelor: Everyone needs to lighten the fuck up a little bit

"We're in Miami, where eberyding began," Whan says, driving around Miami, then makes an unnatural squealing/screeching sound talking about going to see Camilla.  Whan drops in on the Family Home, I guess, where everyone's hanging out and Grandpa's smoking!  That's how you can tell this is a spicy immigrant family.  Later, Whan stops by the Loews Hotel where the chix are ensconced and WHOA WAIT IS HE WEARING A STRING ANKLE BRACELET ugh go ahead and kill him.

One on Whan Date!  How exciting!  Oh, with Seriousleen.  Not exciting.  Very somber.  They board a Cocaine Yacht and Seriousleen is still unsure about this whole thing I mean like PAGING A NEW STEEZ FOR SERIOUSLEEN.  They sail around and do some medium-grade making out.  She says he makes her feel "happy, which is something I don't allow myself to feel very often."  Oh for fuck's sake Seriousleen.  Let's get off the yacht and go back to our room and listen to Dashboard Confessional and update our Tumblrs with pictures of rain on windows and abandoned farmhouses.  Christ.  Meanwhile, she pauses her dreary tale midsentence to pick something off him like they're bonobo monkeys.

For the Night Portion, it's back on the yacht - hey, it's paid for, might as well use it! - for another Extreme Close Up 20 minute makeout session.  "I wish I was a little bit dumber," Seriousleen offers.  Well, you failed to use the subjunctive correctly, so maybe you are a little bit dumber, Seriousleen!  Anyway, if you really want to get dumber, watch this fucking show sometime.  Post-date, S of course heads to the comforting embrace of Mom Renee to spill all her guts out.  She's thinking about leaving!  Duh.

Next Solo is with Rootsy.  They're going to Camilla's dance recital!  Sounds boring.  Maybe they'll rappel into it or something.  So they get there and she meets the family and Whan's ex, who is admittedly pretty fucking hot.  A bunch of kids do a dance.  It's not very good.  There's some awkward small talk and it's time to go and The Ex bids Rootsy goodbye with a cheery "Arepa!" or "Hurry pie!," I couldn't quite tell which, but she's obviously trying to communicate some kind of food desire to Rootsy.

So night brings us to Marlins Park, where Whan does whatever the fuck it his he does.    At least the Marlins will have 2 people there tonight!  They toss the ball around a little and it's better than an actual Marlins game.  Rootsy correctly points out that Camilla is "a little girl."  Very good, Roots!  Sadly, they don't set off the dolphin thing.  Sad.

Uh-oh.  Back at the hotel, Seriousleen feels "sick in the way you feel when you've made a decision you're not sure about and it's kind of major."  I bet there's a word for that in German!  I'm usually just "sick in the way you feel after you drank a quart of gin."  Anyway, yeah, she's leaving and she goes to tell Whan but first CLAWS HER OWN EYES OUT to show him the depth of her existential suffering.

Me too, Seriousleen.  Me too.  Anyway, they whisper back and forth for about a half hour.  Whan doesn't seem all that broken up about this turn of events TBH.  She bolts and he goes to the balcony to stare meaningfully at the hotel next door.

Then there's a Group Date and it starts with Whan arriving in a seaplane and what is up with the seaplanes this season. Seaplanes: The New Helicopters.  They're off to some private island that frankly looks a little beat up and Chelsie unleashes a Word Torrent OH MY GOD TALKING TALKING TALKING Jesus Christ please shut the fuck up for two seconds no one cares if your Mom told you to stop at 2 drinks.  Andi, it seems, does her caftan shopping from the Golden Girls Collection!

Then she starts in on the crying!  Fuck, Whan is constantly talking these chicks down.  She's worried about "failure."  At this point he should just pick whoever is in a good fucking mood that day.  But wait, now Clare launches into her own mascara-destroying Feel Session about Dad and the mysterious video he made that's locked away only to be seen by Future Husband.  Maybe it's just Dad saying "Bush did 9/11" over and over.  Andi gets the Everyone Please Stop Crying Rose.

Night with just Andi in South Beach, possibly the Asshole Capital of the World.  They go to see some guy singing something in Spanish with an oddly high-pitched voice.  The whole thing sounds like Sabado Gigante on helium and isn't very interesting.  Back at the hotel, Clare is bitching about not going on a date and Rootsy's all "That's so stupid" and walks out and this provokes some kind of bitchfight between Roots and Clare and I don't even understand what it was about but it ends with Rootsy calling her "fucking crazy" which is actually true.

The Cocktail Party is mostly uncomfortably long scenes of Roots and Clare sitting next to each other and not talking.  We learn that when people are denied cell phones, they literally do STARE BLANKLY INTO SPACE.  This does not make for very good TV.

OK, who's in.  Andi's already in.  Rootsy then Clare then Mom Renee who's in I think just because Whan needs an assistant in the Talking Crazies Down department.  Chelsie is out.  Whan tries to think about dead puppies and force himself to cry but can't quite make it.  She can go unleash her word salad elsewhere.

Next week, 2 episodes on 2 consecutive nights?  My God is an angry god.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It's Name Change Friday!

It's been a while, huh?  Let's see who's changing up.  Nothing says love like a new handle!

Our first Name Changer comes from the Humboldt County Classified Post and I mostly love it because it looks like the HCCP is really going for that gold rush look, even online!

Doesn't that look totally 1849?  Anyway, it appears that Michael Donald Castillo is getting back to his roots and going with the much spicier Miguel Donaldo Castillo.  Ole, Miguel!  I heartily approve.  Why be Michael Donald when you can be Miguel Donaldo?  Michael Donald works the loading dock at the Lucky.  Miguel Donaldo is a mysterious stranger with a cape and an air of danger!  Smart move.

This next one is kind of hard to read, but bear with me because it's SO WORTH IT. I'm not sure what paper it came out of, but the name change is in Butte County, so who knows what the fuck they're up to up there.

I don't know if you can read it, but the present name is "Margaret Dolores (Delores) O'Donnell" and the proposed new name is "Lady Margaret Watts Schneider Vallier Marks O'Donnell."  LADY MARGARET!  Swoon.  This is somebody who is doing it right.  Lady Margaret is not fucking around.

Our last changer is also a bit of a doozy.  It's out of LA.

New Name: Black Kennedy Lincoln.  Drops mic.

Have a great weekend, everybody!  Especially you, Lady Margaret.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor: New Zealand: Almost As Beautiful As Ohio

It appears that we are off to New Zealand and seaplaning around which gives Whan the chance to say "beautiful" about 30 times and also that he's ready to "take things to the next level" so he's doing a good job learning his meaningless English sayings.  Meanwhile, the chix are busy checking out the Huka Lodge - "INFINITY EDGE POOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!" - and Clare, that little minx, admits "Last week in Vietnam everything kind of blew up in my face."  THAT'S WHAT CHARLIE SAYS TOO CLARE.  

One on Whan with Andi.  They do some river speedboating and then jump in and Andi, congrats, you are the first chick in Bachelor history to wear a one-piece. This frolic looks fucking awful, though, because it appears to be freezing and instead of tropical yachting like we usually get instead we're fighting for survival in some kind of jungle rock formation.

This goes on for quite a while - YAWN - and then we pop out in some waterfall thing or whatever and the No Makeout Rule is obvi suspended again.  

Outdoor Dinner by some giant geyser.  They're trying to get down on some lamb kebabs when the damn thing goes off and GREAT PLANNING ABC but I guess it's supposed to represent all the sublimated sexual desire on this show.  When did I start talking like a grad student.  Andi obviously has no chance but she gets the Roaring Geyser of Juan Pablo's Love Rose.  How does Andi feel?  "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well."  THAT'S NOT WHAT IRONY MEANS ANDI.

"Our chemistry is bursting through."  Christ.

Group date in Rotorua, which is of course beautiful and whatever but maybe not conducive to having a picnic in what appears to be 75 mph winds.  Oh, this is fantastic: Rotorua reminds Chelsie of Ohio "except we don't have hills."  Ohio, New Zealand - people are always getting them confused!  Except for the tiny detail that OHIO DOESN'T RESEMBLE NEW ZEALAND IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY except they both exist on Earth and have soil and trees.  Then everybody gets into swimsuits and it's INTO THE GIANT PLASTIC HAMSTER BALLS which is kind of a perfect metaphor for this show.  

For the Night Portion we are in some kind of Lord of the Rings theme park.  You knew the LOTR stuff was lurking offstage just waiting for its moment.  Either NZ has some kind of natural peroxiding effect or Rootsy's had some work done up top.  Meanwhile Whan muddles through some Feelings Talk with some chicks and then does his weird Tongue Insertion Kissing with Rootsy.  Seriousleen manages to work in that this is "inorganic" again and Whan says not to question herself and just enjoy dis and I think that's what cult leaders say.  She gets the Organic Rose and then Whan cuts loose NBA Player Whelping Delivery Vehicle Cassandra because I guess he's not enjoying dis.  She gets put in the Crying Range Rover and says she's been "waiting so long for something special" and YOU ARE 22 YEARS OLD.  I've waited longer for shit on backorder from Amazon.  Whan returns to the Shire alone with his tiny Head Umbrella.  

Now Professional Temptress Clare gets a second Solo Date. She's trying to get him to apologize for banging her or something, I'm not sure.  He opines that if he somehow resisted her devilish advances, "she'd be devastated right now." OH HO HO HO WHAN.  Is that how it is? THIS JUST IN: Professional Athlete Is Kind of a Tool.  Film at 11.  Anyway, Nighttime Snax at the Hilton.  Clare seems to be under the impression that Whan "apologized" for something but I didn't hear it.  She snags the Managed Not To Fuck On the Second Date Rose.

The Cocktail Party this week is a somewhat somber affair.  Maybe everyone realized that Life is a Meaningless Void and our Lives are Empty and Dark, or maybe we're out of champagne.  Rootsy says she wants a "partner" and "someone to share all the things life has to offer" and maybe some other things she copied from every single profile ever. DO YOU WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME TOO ROOTSY?  ENJOY CANDELIGHT DINNERS?  Oh no, here comes Kat with some downer shit about Drunk Dad.  PULL UP KAT PULL UP.  

Let's hand out the roses.  Rootsy and Mom Renee are in.  It's down to OMGCHELSIE and DownerKat.  

OUT: Baggage Claim.  I told you to wait until later with the Drunk Dad stuff.  I'm kind of bummed because I wanted to meet Dad on the hometowns, maybe get some shots.  Anyway, she's off in the Crying Limo and she reveals why she can't hold on to a guy: she's too great!  THAT'S MY PROBLEM TOO, KAT!  Let's you and me and Drunk Dad hit the bar.  

(The outtakes they play under the final credits this week features Whan and the girls THROWING SHEEP FECES AT EACH OTHER.  I was wrong; the hamster balls were NOT the best metaphor for this show this week.)

Monday, February 10, 2014

This is my new favorite tech parody. OR IS IT!!!???!

I consider myself #blessed to have correspondents like Sarah Fidelibus who send me links to amazing shit like this piece in "re/code" (which I had never heard of but is connected to CNBC in some way?) called "The 2,500 Person Tech Mixer That Was Not a Party."  Do you know about Poe's Law?  It basically says that, at some point, extreme viewpoints are indistinguishable from a parody of same.  There needs to be a tech corollary because it's getting impossible to distinguish actual tech and gentrification stories from parodies of them.  This article is a prime example.  Let's grab a quote from "Andrew Vecchio, the co-founder and CEO of Startup and Tech Mixer," to illustrate:

“This is our fifth mixer. People are like, ‘Andrew, what could be next?’ And it’s like, ‘Oh. Done.’ We have a mechanical bull. Game-changer. Innovate.” 
Hahahaha. That's great!  It's a perfect parody of the BS-speak endemic to tech culture.  EXCEPT IT'S APPARENTLY REAL.  That guy actually said that, unless the reporter made it up, which I hope is true.


This maybe-true-or-not not-party happened at the W Hotel, which is just perfect.  I happened to be at the W Hotel a couple of weeks ago to meet a friend who was in town and the W Hotel is like somebody decided 1998 or 1999 was the Best Year and froze everything there. You know how every bar now is Edison bulbs and reclaimed wood?  NOT THE W!  The bar there is all hard white surfaces and blinking LEDs and trance music.  It looks EXACTLY like the last dot-com crash.  Since this party sounds like it was airlifted out of 1999, it was a perfect venue choice.

Anyway, the article goes on and on and gets more unbelievable as it goes but don't take my word for it, read it yourself.  Disrupt.

UPDATE: Sam Biddle also writes about this event for Valleywag, and makes a lot of the same points I did, but with pictures and more research.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Apropos of nothing, a peek into my disturbing thought process. Also, Downton Abbey.

This is totally irrelevant and I don't even know why I'm posting this but you know in the opening credits for Downton Abbey when there's a shot of a skinny feather duster of some kind gently dusting a chandelier or whatever?

For the first two seasons or so, I thought that was a CAT'S PAW.  I know.  Take a minute.  I wasn't really thinking about "Why would a cat be lovingly caressing the light fixtures in this English mansion?" or "How would a cat be able to reach a chandelier?" or "Why are you so fucking weird?"  I didn't really think about it until I realized not that long ago that it was a duster of some kind and not a cat's paw.

Anyway, that's about it for now.  Not every blog post can be about overpriced real estate and get 15,000 views!  This one should be good for about 43.  If you're one of the 43, THANKS.

Have a nice weekend.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Bachelor: Don't Fuck on the First Date

Here we are in Vietnam and I can’t even make any Vietnam War jokes because I already did that once and also because it has now been longer since the Vietnam War ended than it was between World War II and the 80's and no one on this show or probably reading this was even alive when the Vietnam War happened.  Anyway, there was an unpopular war in Vietnam a long time ago and then a lot of people won Oscars as a result.

OK, back to the show.  Mom Renee gets the first One-on-Whan™ and for some reason this news makes her “palms hurt.”  Hmmm, our first recorded case of Bachelor Stigmata.  Hail Renee Full of Hair Product Blessed Art Thou Above All Soccer Moms.  Their date is in the charming Vietnamese town of Hoi An and Whan “can’t wait to make her enjoy the day.”  FUCKING SOAK UP THE ATMOSPHERE BITCH. DO WHAT I SAY.  DO IT NOW.  Oh, check it out!  Vietnamese dogs are super cute!

So they stop by some fabric shop or something to get a dress made for her I guess?  Mom thinks this is “fascinating” and “amazing” but I would describe it more as “boring” or “really boring” or “still boring.”  There’s the usual walking around and buying a racist coolie hat for Mom’s kid.  For the Night Segment, Mom is wearing her new dress to Indoor Dinner.  Blah blah blah she got married young and they grew apart.  Whan thinks her eyes are “full of life” which I guess is good and he gives her a rose and then they’re out lighting candles in Chinese takeout containers and putting them in the water and making a wish.  My wish would be “Please don’t let this fucking thing drift under this flimsy wooden pier and burn us all to death.”

I realize this is a terrible picture.

Group Date wherein Whan says we are going to do “very traditional Vietnamese –” and here he pauses – “Things.”  Yes, things! This means getting in some wooden bowls and paddling around which is mostly an excuse to make out with Clare.  Then it’s off to the community gardens to PICK SOME PRODUCE! Hopefully they’re making 60 cents an hour and getting doused with carcinogenic pesticide for the real immersion experience.  Anyway, after dinner (Vietnamese food, I’m guessing), there’s supposed to be a cocktail party but it’s mostly just Whan hanging out in his hot tub with Clare.  Once again, his “No Kissing” policy appears to be somewhat flexible, because he and Clare and slobbering into each other’s mouths like Saint Bernards.  Back with the chicks, Seriousleen, as usual, is being kind of a downer and wants him to see her “as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  OK then.  Clare ends up with the rose and then shows up at his room in the middle of the night and I think they’re hinting that they hit it or something.  God, you do not want to knock Clare up.  Hairstylist.  Sacramento.  I don’t think I need to say anything else.

Rootsy One on One!  I think she got a Vietnamese touchup because the roots actually don’t look as aggressively black.  Anyway, this is going to be one of those Adventure Dates where we rappel down into a cave that is literally named “Hell.”  That’s some dynamic branding!  As with all Adventure Dates that you’re not personally on, it’s boring.  We’re back topside for Night Portion and the true Hell here is what Vietnam is doing to Rootsy’s hair.  She’s on and on about pediatric nursing which is actually kind of a downer tbh.  She gets the rose and some face kissing and is “electrified” like she “stuck her finger in a light socket” and I’m not sure I want her pediatric nursing my kid.

The ladies arrive for the Cocktail Party carefully arranged on a boat.  There is shocking news!  We are cutting 3 tonight.  That is not good for Maybe Black Danielle, who has gotten less screen time than Anonymous Vietnamese Produce Family.  Whan gets busy making out with Mom and his No Kissing Rules are now beyond comprehension.  Oh, a sit-down with Clare! He says “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened.”  I guess they did it!  He doesn't want his daughter to know.  Gee, maybe don’t tell her then?  C is now crying and Whan’s talking her down like he does every episode.  This is boring.

Rose Cer.  Whan starts by gazing meaningfully at his Serial Killer Shrine of Ladies.

THREE MUST DIE TONIGHT the voice in his head says.  Who’s in?  Seriousleen, NBA Progeny Bearer…..

LAZY EYE REPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only a little sleepy.

OK, back to it.  ChelsieWOOOOO, Kat, Andi Who Needs to Stop Bitching All The Time.

ADIOS Lazy Eyes, Alison (I think?) and Maybe Black Danielle.  No surprises there.  Hopefully the next episode is better because this one failed to move me.

Monday, February 3, 2014

This $10,500 rental in the Mission is absurd

Via Matt Graves (RT courtesy BurritoJustice) comes this truly unbelievable rental listing.  Since it's on Craigslist, and listings on Craigslist, like dandelion spores or red supergiants, are impermanent and ephemeral, I've screencapped part of it below:



We all knew rents were out of control.  But this.  I can't even.  So many problems here.

FIRST, if you have $10,500 a month to spend on housing, why the fuck would you give it to someone else? $10,000 is roughly the mortgage payment on a $2,000,000 mortgage. Buy a $1,000,000 place and cut your monthly housing nut in half!  Use the rest to buy $4 toast!  Fuck, buy $8 or $10 toast and you're STILL coming out ahead!

SECOND, that ad.  Oh my God that ad.  "With the hottest microclimate in San Francisco, Mission is caliente."  Are you fucking kidding me.  Are you intentionally making fun of the Mission's Latino heritage, or was that just a happy accident?  For the love of God, fellow white people, do not call things "caliente."  This is one step removed from putting on a giant sombrero and poncho and going to a Cinco de Mayo party.

THIRD, if you MUST rent, here's a 3-bedroom penthouse on Russian Hill with parking for $10K.  You save $500!  And it's SO MUCH BETTER than the Mission place.  Plus, you won't look like a total asshole walking out of that new building on 19th and Valencia.  On Russian Hill, everybody's rich!  No one will care that you're a rich too!

In conclusion, please do not rent this unit.