Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Bachelor: Everyone needs to lighten the fuck up a little bit

"We're in Miami, where eberyding began," Whan says, driving around Miami, then makes an unnatural squealing/screeching sound talking about going to see Camilla.  Whan drops in on the Family Home, I guess, where everyone's hanging out and Grandpa's smoking!  That's how you can tell this is a spicy immigrant family.  Later, Whan stops by the Loews Hotel where the chix are ensconced and WHOA WAIT IS HE WEARING A STRING ANKLE BRACELET ugh go ahead and kill him.

One on Whan Date!  How exciting!  Oh, with Seriousleen.  Not exciting.  Very somber.  They board a Cocaine Yacht and Seriousleen is still unsure about this whole thing I mean like PAGING A NEW STEEZ FOR SERIOUSLEEN.  They sail around and do some medium-grade making out.  She says he makes her feel "happy, which is something I don't allow myself to feel very often."  Oh for fuck's sake Seriousleen.  Let's get off the yacht and go back to our room and listen to Dashboard Confessional and update our Tumblrs with pictures of rain on windows and abandoned farmhouses.  Christ.  Meanwhile, she pauses her dreary tale midsentence to pick something off him like they're bonobo monkeys.

For the Night Portion, it's back on the yacht - hey, it's paid for, might as well use it! - for another Extreme Close Up 20 minute makeout session.  "I wish I was a little bit dumber," Seriousleen offers.  Well, you failed to use the subjunctive correctly, so maybe you are a little bit dumber, Seriousleen!  Anyway, if you really want to get dumber, watch this fucking show sometime.  Post-date, S of course heads to the comforting embrace of Mom Renee to spill all her guts out.  She's thinking about leaving!  Duh.

Next Solo is with Rootsy.  They're going to Camilla's dance recital!  Sounds boring.  Maybe they'll rappel into it or something.  So they get there and she meets the family and Whan's ex, who is admittedly pretty fucking hot.  A bunch of kids do a dance.  It's not very good.  There's some awkward small talk and it's time to go and The Ex bids Rootsy goodbye with a cheery "Arepa!" or "Hurry pie!," I couldn't quite tell which, but she's obviously trying to communicate some kind of food desire to Rootsy.

So night brings us to Marlins Park, where Whan does whatever the fuck it his he does.    At least the Marlins will have 2 people there tonight!  They toss the ball around a little and it's better than an actual Marlins game.  Rootsy correctly points out that Camilla is "a little girl."  Very good, Roots!  Sadly, they don't set off the dolphin thing.  Sad.

Uh-oh.  Back at the hotel, Seriousleen feels "sick in the way you feel when you've made a decision you're not sure about and it's kind of major."  I bet there's a word for that in German!  I'm usually just "sick in the way you feel after you drank a quart of gin."  Anyway, yeah, she's leaving and she goes to tell Whan but first CLAWS HER OWN EYES OUT to show him the depth of her existential suffering.

Me too, Seriousleen.  Me too.  Anyway, they whisper back and forth for about a half hour.  Whan doesn't seem all that broken up about this turn of events TBH.  She bolts and he goes to the balcony to stare meaningfully at the hotel next door.

Then there's a Group Date and it starts with Whan arriving in a seaplane and what is up with the seaplanes this season. Seaplanes: The New Helicopters.  They're off to some private island that frankly looks a little beat up and Chelsie unleashes a Word Torrent OH MY GOD TALKING TALKING TALKING Jesus Christ please shut the fuck up for two seconds no one cares if your Mom told you to stop at 2 drinks.  Andi, it seems, does her caftan shopping from the Golden Girls Collection!

Then she starts in on the crying!  Fuck, Whan is constantly talking these chicks down.  She's worried about "failure."  At this point he should just pick whoever is in a good fucking mood that day.  But wait, now Clare launches into her own mascara-destroying Feel Session about Dad and the mysterious video he made that's locked away only to be seen by Future Husband.  Maybe it's just Dad saying "Bush did 9/11" over and over.  Andi gets the Everyone Please Stop Crying Rose.

Night with just Andi in South Beach, possibly the Asshole Capital of the World.  They go to see some guy singing something in Spanish with an oddly high-pitched voice.  The whole thing sounds like Sabado Gigante on helium and isn't very interesting.  Back at the hotel, Clare is bitching about not going on a date and Rootsy's all "That's so stupid" and walks out and this provokes some kind of bitchfight between Roots and Clare and I don't even understand what it was about but it ends with Rootsy calling her "fucking crazy" which is actually true.

The Cocktail Party is mostly uncomfortably long scenes of Roots and Clare sitting next to each other and not talking.  We learn that when people are denied cell phones, they literally do STARE BLANKLY INTO SPACE.  This does not make for very good TV.

OK, who's in.  Andi's already in.  Rootsy then Clare then Mom Renee who's in I think just because Whan needs an assistant in the Talking Crazies Down department.  Chelsie is out.  Whan tries to think about dead puppies and force himself to cry but can't quite make it.  She can go unleash her word salad elsewhere.

Next week, 2 episodes on 2 consecutive nights?  My God is an angry god.


GG said...

Serious question: What are Juan, and the last woman on this show who had a kid, telling their children? "Here's one of the people mommy/daddy is auditioning, via a round robin televised dating tournament, to be your new step-mommy/daddy?" I thought one of the rules of having kids was that you're not supposed to introduce them to just any old person (out of 6? 7?) that you're dating but rather just the serious ones you expect to stick around for awhile?

TK said...

I don't know! Are you not supposed to introduce a new piece to your kid? GOOD TO KNOW. Just in case, I mean!

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