I have a confession to make: I've known that he picked Lizard Queen to be his Baby-Voiced Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Bride since before the season started. I was reading one of those reality TV websites and ignored the ***SPOILER WARNING**** and plowed ahead and found out. Did it diminish my enjoyment of the season? Not really. The only thing that can diminish your enjoyment of "The Bachelor" is having an IQ over 68 or not being home-schooled.
(To the very nice reader who wanted me to join her Bachelor office pool: This is why I couldn't.)
OK! Enough with the jibber jabber. Let's watch this fool get engaged. We are still in Switzerland, now joined by Mom and Sister Julie. B's hair has now reached Dead Animal Left in a Car Trunk in 98 Degree Heat For 2 Weeks level. Here comes Linz! They have some lunch with the Gurlz and Linz is drunk or something and keeps dropping shit. Girlfriend has also developed some Stress Zits. Mom and Sis both interview her. Linz feels like Sis is going to grill her, but Julie mostly just wants to hear herself talk. Blah blah blah I'm so interesting whatever. Oh, she wants to know about Courtney! Linz wants to say "That bitch cray" but tactfully refrains. She gets the Handsome Sister Hug of Approval. Everyone likes Linz. Hey, O/T and all, but what language do they speak in Switzerland? Just curious.
Courtney Day! Here she comes, slurring and baby talking. "Do you like me? Do you like me a little bit?" she says. Ugh, I like you to shut up. Anyway, she meets the fam and Julie takes her out on the balcony for the Plain Girl's Revenge. C says all those other girls were very mean to her. For some reason, Sis and Mom both think Courtney is just fucking awesome. I guess that Model-Fu works on chicks too. Later, Mom and Sis and B all sit down and Sis wants him to pick Courtney! Are you sure about this, Sis? Do you want a 98-pound model sitting next to you at Thanksgiving when you're shoving mashed potatoes and pie into your gullet and crying about how you can't keep a relationship going? You will hate that bitch so fucking much. Think about it.
Alright, Date with Linz. She says it "could be their last date" so she goes all out by throwing on a white T-shirt and no makeup. Don't knock yourself out trying to look good, Lindzi! Combing your hair is for SUCKERS! Anyway, carriage ride, sure, gondola picnic, sure, fondue, check. In fact, ABC has shoehorned fondue into every possible scene because Switzerland, right? They eat fondue like every day there, right? Linz says she can see them together and if this is her opening up there is a lot of boring inside. For the Night Portion, Linz throws on a nicer top but still won't take the Makeup Plunge. B stops by her room for wine and a lot of blah blah blah and let's stop pretending here. You are a Dead Chick Walking and the stench of failure is already heavy upon you.
Courtney Date next. Oh, of course, here comes the helicopter, which she calls a "helichopper" because she's an idiot. They fly up and around the Matterhorn and Ben tells her that on the other side of the mountains is Italy and she goes "Oh, I heard about that." About what? The existence of a country called Italy? I bet you did! They stop off for an impromptu mountain picnic/sledding event and God I just cannot stand her and let's just fucking get this over with. That night, he stops by her room (where, I note, the Ubiquitous Fondue Pot sits at the ready) and she has a gift for him! It's a book of pictures of them that ABC gave her! Then it's time for some Relationship Talk. Since they had an uncomfortably long interval not talking about her, she has to bring it back to herself and how she needs positive feedback and this frightens and confuses Bad Hair and meanwhile warning bells are LITERALLY going off in the background.
Let's get to the Proposal and GTFO. So, it's the big day. Everyone's wearing capes like they're Draculettes or in a Disney movie. We've got a proposal site set up on a mountaintop like some kind of Druid Altar and human sacrifice looks good right about now. Linz arrives, FINALLY wearing a little lipstick, but too little too late. As soon as he gets to the "But..." she knows and gives him some serious side-eye. As if this whole thing isn't humiliating enough, Linz piles on herself by saying "If things don't work out, call me?" Oh, sweetie. You could do better. The cameraman is better.
Alright, let's give this bitch a ring. She shows up all Capey and Elbow-Glovey like she's Vapidella de Ville and she valiantly says she could "possibly love him forever." Yeah, better not to commit to too much at this stage. So he asks her and she gets emotional once she sees the bigass rock ABC bought her. "I love it," she says. Finally, I get the feeling she's not bullshitting. The end.
Oh, not the end. There's a special with Chris Harrison and lots of crying. They're still together. Oh wait, no they're not. Oh, maybe they are. Everyone cries. This is more boring than that "How It's Made" about how they make potting soil. Anyway, let's move on with our lives and pretend none of this ever happened.
Showing posts with label ben has a lot of feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ben has a lot of feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Bachelor: Fake Confessional/Clip Show
What happens is, every season before the last episode, Chris Harrison calls everyone together to sit in a studio with an audience and fight about what happened that season and make some people cry hopefully and also show a lot of clips. Last night it was called "The Women Tell All" but nobody really told anything. I watched it anyway because I'm retarded and in for a penny and whatnot.
We started out by taking a look at Where Past Contestants Are Now. From the looks of the footage we saw, they're contracting STDs in Vegas. Oh look, there's Frank! I always had a soft spot for Frank. He was so dopey and stupid that it almost seemed unfair to put him on the show. The way he's leering at Ali, I hope his child bride Nicole isn't watching.
Anyway. Back to the studio. Oh God, they're trotting Shawntel out AGAIN. What the fuck is it, ABC? What is your strange uncontrollable attraction to Shawntel that you have to keep bringing her on this show? Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with, ABC? And then ignore her texts and talk bad about her behind her back and be all "Yeah, whatever, I was never into her," even though you totally are, ABC? Why don't you just do that?
Chris does some interviews with Emily and Kacie (whose highlight package make the audience cry!) and FINALLY we get to Courtney. Everybody piles on Courtney. Monica says she's a "liar" and "vapit," whatever that means. Wait, there's something off about Courtney. She's not sucking her lips into her lizard head and she's not talking her Sedated Baby Voice. What the fuck? She's sort of normal and contrite!!! Why are you fucking with us, Courtney? What strange sorcery is this? I guess those acting lessons are paying off! So she apologizes like a million times and fake cries and gets a special crying SUV to leave in. Huh.
Let's bring out that flat-haired doofus for a talk. Nicki says "You are the best man I've ever met in my entire life." Jesus Christ, Nicki. Where did you grow up, inside a prison or something? Bitch needs to get out more. Jamie wants him to know that she'll be around if things don't work out. Damn girl, desperate much?
We'll finally conclude this shitshow next week. Then next season we get Emily. Ugh. Already dreading that. You know who needs to be the 'rette? Emily from THIS season. She's cute and is one of the few contestants in the history of the show who seems to have a sense of humor or any actual personality beyond I'm Not Here to Make Friends and I'm Here For the Right Reasons and Please Love Me Please Please Please My Daddy Never Said He Loved Me. Yeesh.
We started out by taking a look at Where Past Contestants Are Now. From the looks of the footage we saw, they're contracting STDs in Vegas. Oh look, there's Frank! I always had a soft spot for Frank. He was so dopey and stupid that it almost seemed unfair to put him on the show. The way he's leering at Ali, I hope his child bride Nicole isn't watching.
Anyway. Back to the studio. Oh God, they're trotting Shawntel out AGAIN. What the fuck is it, ABC? What is your strange uncontrollable attraction to Shawntel that you have to keep bringing her on this show? Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with, ABC? And then ignore her texts and talk bad about her behind her back and be all "Yeah, whatever, I was never into her," even though you totally are, ABC? Why don't you just do that?
Chris does some interviews with Emily and Kacie (whose highlight package make the audience cry!) and FINALLY we get to Courtney. Everybody piles on Courtney. Monica says she's a "liar" and "vapit," whatever that means. Wait, there's something off about Courtney. She's not sucking her lips into her lizard head and she's not talking her Sedated Baby Voice. What the fuck? She's sort of normal and contrite!!! Why are you fucking with us, Courtney? What strange sorcery is this? I guess those acting lessons are paying off! So she apologizes like a million times and fake cries and gets a special crying SUV to leave in. Huh.
Let's bring out that flat-haired doofus for a talk. Nicki says "You are the best man I've ever met in my entire life." Jesus Christ, Nicki. Where did you grow up, inside a prison or something? Bitch needs to get out more. Jamie wants him to know that she'll be around if things don't work out. Damn girl, desperate much?
We'll finally conclude this shitshow next week. Then next season we get Emily. Ugh. Already dreading that. You know who needs to be the 'rette? Emily from THIS season. She's cute and is one of the few contestants in the history of the show who seems to have a sense of humor or any actual personality beyond I'm Not Here to Make Friends and I'm Here For the Right Reasons and Please Love Me Please Please Please My Daddy Never Said He Loved Me. Yeesh.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The Bachelor: You are fucking this up, dude
For whatever reason, ABC has decided to take this traveling shitshow to Switzerland, possibly because we have exhausted our island/tropical destinations or maybe just to infuse the EU with some American TV cash. In any case, Our Journey begins with Ben Flathair being shown to a First Class seat on Swissair, where he can gaze meaningfully out the window and burn 10 minutes recapping everything he did with the Final Three. Yawn. During this reverie, he refers to Courtney as a "little nerdy," which is patently ridiculous.
Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.
Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.
Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.
For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.
It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.
Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.
Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.
OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.
OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.
Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.
Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.
Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.
Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.
For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.
It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.
Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.
Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.
OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.
OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.
Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Bachelor: Welcome to Casa de las Creepout
It was Leo Tolstoy who once said "Man, these people are fucked up." Oh no, wait, he said "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And with that, we are off on hometown visits to examine what kind of family would produce a person who would debase herself on national TV for a shot at marrying a flat-haired doofus or, in the case of Courtney, to further one's path towards softcore porn on Cinemax.
We begin in Ocala, Florida, from whence Lindzi emerged (although it appears from the subtitles under her face that she now lives in the considerably less climate-friendly Seattle). As Ben strolls down a country path, she appears riding some kind of genetically modified mini-horse. Seriously, you could mount this thing by spreading your legs apart and walking over it. Anyway, they chain this hapless beast to a cart and ride off to meet the parents. Dad is one of those hyper-competitive Extra Dads who make everything a contest and is all OK GAME TIME and then it all ends in tears and recriminations. Maybe that was just my house. Anyway, Dad suggests a little game of mini-horse cart racing except has has a full-sized horse and Dad and Mom win and that means the losers have to strap into the cart and pull the winners back to the house and it is a disturbing scene that is just a couple of horse suits away from some serious furry action.
Dad later sits down with Ben and explains that "We kept her away from boys," like no shit, you don't say, looks like you also kept her away from makeup and hairstyling too. The Lindzi picture is swimming into focus now. And in conclusion, we will have a toast with some kind of fucking Mason jars made into wineglasses? What hillbilly sommelier sorcery is this?
Next up, Kacie in Clarksville, TN. After an excruciating bit with a marching band and more baton twirling, KC and B sit down on the HS football bleachers and talk about how her grandparents died. Uplifting! KC says her Dad doesn't drink and B's all freaked out b/c his "business is booze" and KC does a lot of fake high-pitched laughing. Over at the fam house, Mom and Dad have some concerns about KC living in sin prior to marriage and also about women voting and the repeal of Prohibition and how come there's no mandatory prayer in post offices? What I want to know is, what was the picture behind the couch that ABC made them cover? I bet it was come Civil War shit. I bet you.
OK, let's make a brief stop in Fort Worth to meet Nicki's parents before we get to the main event. B blathers on and on about how much he likes Texas. They stop at the Cowboy Store and get all rodeoed up with hats and boots and belt buckles and all kinds of other Yosemite Sam shit and then it's off to Standard Suburbia to meet Mom and Dad. Dad looks like a football coach but he's actually a pretty nice and cool guy and tells Nicki he's sorry he let her marry that first jerk. Oh look, they're having nonalcoholic dinner too, but nobody's making a big deal about it like they did at the Holiers. Nicki tells B she's falling in love with him yeah yeah whatever let's get to Courtney already.
Courtney's from Scottsdale! That makes perfect sense. They head straight to the fam house. Courtney says "This is Casa de Ninas, my Dad calls it, the House of Little Girls." Oh, that's not creepy at all, Dad. Just go the whole 9 and call it Casa de FBI Kiddie Porn Search Warrant, why don't you. Dad, RICK ROBERTS, is a piece of work. He's basically a motivational speaker in a sweater vest. Everyone repairs to Patio de la Capilla, according to the sign above the table, which means Deck of the Creepers.
Later, Dad has a sit-down with Ben. He reaches out and says "ARE YOU READY TO BE YOUR FUTURE??!! YOU CAN LIVE! YOUR! DREAM!!!" Not really. He says something about marriage being a gamble or something. Oh look, Courtney got cokemouth from Mom! Cokemouth must be genetic. Courtney and Ben head off to the park for a super bizarro fake wedding with a minister/actor and they write vows and everything and the whole thing is deeply weird.
OK, back in LA. ABC needs to fill 10 minutes so we get a boring recap of all the visits. Now it's time to cut someone. Not much mystery here. No Sex Before Marriage Kacie gets the boot.She gets a little spicy in the Crying Limo! She's all "What the [BEEP] happened? What the [BEEP] happened?" Your family is what happened, silly!
(In the Credit Sequence outtakes, we are treated to a scene of Courtney telling her family about skinny dipping with Ben - EWWWW - followed by her informing us that Dad likes a bit of the skinny dipping in the family pool himself and I don't want to know anything more about what goes on at the House of Little Girls.)
We begin in Ocala, Florida, from whence Lindzi emerged (although it appears from the subtitles under her face that she now lives in the considerably less climate-friendly Seattle). As Ben strolls down a country path, she appears riding some kind of genetically modified mini-horse. Seriously, you could mount this thing by spreading your legs apart and walking over it. Anyway, they chain this hapless beast to a cart and ride off to meet the parents. Dad is one of those hyper-competitive Extra Dads who make everything a contest and is all OK GAME TIME and then it all ends in tears and recriminations. Maybe that was just my house. Anyway, Dad suggests a little game of mini-horse cart racing except has has a full-sized horse and Dad and Mom win and that means the losers have to strap into the cart and pull the winners back to the house and it is a disturbing scene that is just a couple of horse suits away from some serious furry action.
Dad later sits down with Ben and explains that "We kept her away from boys," like no shit, you don't say, looks like you also kept her away from makeup and hairstyling too. The Lindzi picture is swimming into focus now. And in conclusion, we will have a toast with some kind of fucking Mason jars made into wineglasses? What hillbilly sommelier sorcery is this?
Next up, Kacie in Clarksville, TN. After an excruciating bit with a marching band and more baton twirling, KC and B sit down on the HS football bleachers and talk about how her grandparents died. Uplifting! KC says her Dad doesn't drink and B's all freaked out b/c his "business is booze" and KC does a lot of fake high-pitched laughing. Over at the fam house, Mom and Dad have some concerns about KC living in sin prior to marriage and also about women voting and the repeal of Prohibition and how come there's no mandatory prayer in post offices? What I want to know is, what was the picture behind the couch that ABC made them cover? I bet it was come Civil War shit. I bet you.
OK, let's make a brief stop in Fort Worth to meet Nicki's parents before we get to the main event. B blathers on and on about how much he likes Texas. They stop at the Cowboy Store and get all rodeoed up with hats and boots and belt buckles and all kinds of other Yosemite Sam shit and then it's off to Standard Suburbia to meet Mom and Dad. Dad looks like a football coach but he's actually a pretty nice and cool guy and tells Nicki he's sorry he let her marry that first jerk. Oh look, they're having nonalcoholic dinner too, but nobody's making a big deal about it like they did at the Holiers. Nicki tells B she's falling in love with him yeah yeah whatever let's get to Courtney already.
Courtney's from Scottsdale! That makes perfect sense. They head straight to the fam house. Courtney says "This is Casa de Ninas, my Dad calls it, the House of Little Girls." Oh, that's not creepy at all, Dad. Just go the whole 9 and call it Casa de FBI Kiddie Porn Search Warrant, why don't you. Dad, RICK ROBERTS, is a piece of work. He's basically a motivational speaker in a sweater vest. Everyone repairs to Patio de la Capilla, according to the sign above the table, which means Deck of the Creepers.
Later, Dad has a sit-down with Ben. He reaches out and says "ARE YOU READY TO BE YOUR FUTURE??!! YOU CAN LIVE! YOUR! DREAM!!!" Not really. He says something about marriage being a gamble or something. Oh look, Courtney got cokemouth from Mom! Cokemouth must be genetic. Courtney and Ben head off to the park for a super bizarro fake wedding with a minister/actor and they write vows and everything and the whole thing is deeply weird.
OK, back in LA. ABC needs to fill 10 minutes so we get a boring recap of all the visits. Now it's time to cut someone. Not much mystery here. No Sex Before Marriage Kacie gets the boot.She gets a little spicy in the Crying Limo! She's all "What the [BEEP]
(In the Credit Sequence outtakes, we are treated to a scene of Courtney telling her family about skinny dipping with Ben - EWWWW - followed by her informing us that Dad likes a bit of the skinny dipping in the family pool himself and I don't want to know anything more about what goes on at the House of Little Girls.)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Bachelor: Somebody is, duh, Not Here for the Right Reasons
Before we get started, let's all just take a moment and enjoy this little morsel of delight, courtesy of Reality Blurred:
I wish you could legally marry a video. Maybe soon! Take that, Rick Santorum!
OK, on to the festivities. We're in Belize! Belize seems like a vaguely watered-down Jamaica or maybe like Mexico with more snakes and less heads in bags. Ben begins with a Solo Date with Lindzi the Makeupless Wonder, which reduces Nicki to tears. Oh wait! She's putting on makeup! She must have read an article in Mademoiselle or something.
We kick off with the Obligatory Helicopter Ride, which terminates at some kind of ocean feature called the Blue Hole and Lindzi will conquer her fear of heights by jumping 3 feet from the helicopter into the ocean. Cut to Outdoor Dinner on a pier. They're all blah blah blah and Ben is "falling for you" like that means anything. They decide to put a note in a bottle and Ben writes a creepy little fairy tale thing and they put it in a bottle and toss it into the 16 inches of water by the pier where it floats listlessly and will later be fished out of the lagoon by Ricardo who will go "Fucking Americans throwing their fucking trash in the water." Lindzi says "Ben's my Prince Charming" and my wife says "Get your hair out of your face, bitch," and that's about it.
Solo date with Emily. As long as we're going to let anyone marry anyone, we want Emily to be our Sister Wife. Maybe that's just my idea but I'll talk everyone into it. Anyway, she and Ben bike around this Belizean town and have some Totally Authentic Encounters with the locals and then head out lobster diving totally on a whim and there's no possible way this lobster diving was conceived of in an ABC conference room 3 months ago and the boat owner had to sign a contract and get the proper insurance and the cameras had to be rigged and everything, nope, totally spontaneous. As it turns out, lobsters do not particularly want to be caught and Mike the Lobster is just meandering along the seafloor doing lobster shit until YOINK he is snatched from his reverie and held aloft by some dork with bad hair and makes his Lobster TV Debut.
On to the OD. That's what I call Outdoor Dinners because I heard all the kids are into using acronyms. Also, D.R.E.A.M. (dipshits rule everything around me). Anyway, they're having lobster, natch, and Emily says "Today was Superfund," and I'm like what, it was a toxic waste site?, and I realize she said "super fun." Anyway, kissing, "best date of my life," whatever.
Solo date with Courtney the Lizard Queen who is so fucking weird and objectionable and still is doing the baby talk and has the flat affect of a heavily sedated schizophrenic. They are off to some Mayan ruins and here is your Mayan Apocalypse, if you need one: Two idiots scaling a Mayan temple to compare notes on their fake TV relationship. C. bitches bitch bitches about EVERYTHING and B somehow finds this bullshit entrancing and says he needs someone "a little bit weird." WELL, THERE YOU GO. THIS SHOW IS NOW EXPLAINED. How about "a lot weird," or "bizarrely weird," Ben? Does that work? Because you've got one right here. Later they're at the top and instead of cutting her head off and rolling it down the steps like he should do, B. sighs and says - NOT MAKING THIS UP - "Oh my Dad" instead of "Oh my God" and I guess Ben's Dead Dad is our new God. He explains he says this sometimes when he feels close to Dad like he does now sitting on top of a Mayan pyramid with a mentally ill fish-eyed baby-talking model. At the OD that follows, she reveals that she wants him to meet her parents. Me fucking too. I want to see what spawned this hellish creation.
I wish you could legally marry a video. Maybe soon! Take that, Rick Santorum!
OK, on to the festivities. We're in Belize! Belize seems like a vaguely watered-down Jamaica or maybe like Mexico with more snakes and less heads in bags. Ben begins with a Solo Date with Lindzi the Makeupless Wonder, which reduces Nicki to tears. Oh wait! She's putting on makeup! She must have read an article in Mademoiselle or something.
We kick off with the Obligatory Helicopter Ride, which terminates at some kind of ocean feature called the Blue Hole and Lindzi will conquer her fear of heights by jumping 3 feet from the helicopter into the ocean. Cut to Outdoor Dinner on a pier. They're all blah blah blah and Ben is "falling for you" like that means anything. They decide to put a note in a bottle and Ben writes a creepy little fairy tale thing and they put it in a bottle and toss it into the 16 inches of water by the pier where it floats listlessly and will later be fished out of the lagoon by Ricardo who will go "Fucking Americans throwing their fucking trash in the water." Lindzi says "Ben's my Prince Charming" and my wife says "Get your hair out of your face, bitch," and that's about it.
Solo date with Emily. As long as we're going to let anyone marry anyone, we want Emily to be our Sister Wife. Maybe that's just my idea but I'll talk everyone into it. Anyway, she and Ben bike around this Belizean town and have some Totally Authentic Encounters with the locals and then head out lobster diving totally on a whim and there's no possible way this lobster diving was conceived of in an ABC conference room 3 months ago and the boat owner had to sign a contract and get the proper insurance and the cameras had to be rigged and everything, nope, totally spontaneous. As it turns out, lobsters do not particularly want to be caught and Mike the Lobster is just meandering along the seafloor doing lobster shit until YOINK he is snatched from his reverie and held aloft by some dork with bad hair and makes his Lobster TV Debut.
On to the OD. That's what I call Outdoor Dinners because I heard all the kids are into using acronyms. Also, D.R.E.A.M. (dipshits rule everything around me). Anyway, they're having lobster, natch, and Emily says "Today was Superfund," and I'm like what, it was a toxic waste site?, and I realize she said "super fun." Anyway, kissing, "best date of my life," whatever.
Solo date with Courtney the Lizard Queen who is so fucking weird and objectionable and still is doing the baby talk and has the flat affect of a heavily sedated schizophrenic. They are off to some Mayan ruins and here is your Mayan Apocalypse, if you need one: Two idiots scaling a Mayan temple to compare notes on their fake TV relationship. C. bitches bitch bitches about EVERYTHING and B somehow finds this bullshit entrancing and says he needs someone "a little bit weird." WELL, THERE YOU GO. THIS SHOW IS NOW EXPLAINED. How about "a lot weird," or "bizarrely weird," Ben? Does that work? Because you've got one right here. Later they're at the top and instead of cutting her head off and rolling it down the steps like he should do, B. sighs and says - NOT MAKING THIS UP - "Oh my Dad" instead of "Oh my God" and I guess Ben's Dead Dad is our new God. He explains he says this sometimes when he feels close to Dad like he does now sitting on top of a Mayan pyramid with a mentally ill fish-eyed baby-talking model. At the OD that follows, she reveals that she wants him to meet her parents. Me fucking too. I want to see what spawned this hellish creation.
On to the Group Date. B rounds up some chicks and they're off to go Shark Diving! It sounds scary but these sharks frankly look a little sedated and like they could care less about all the stick figures floating in the water 7 feet above their heads. Hey, new Belize ad slogan: BELIZE, WHERE EVEN OUR SHARKS ARE DRUNK! You can totally use that if you want, Belize. There's a rose at the end of this lame-ass shark encounter, which Kacie gets for "wearing her heart on her sleeve," sure, and I can't wait for her Epic Meltdown when she finally gets the boot. Later, the chicks are all busting on Courtney and telling B that she is Not Here for the Right Reasons! You go, girls! Unfortunately, Courtney has done some kind of bruja shit and cast a Lizard Spell on this hapless retard and he will not listen to the truth.
Nighttime and the chicks are assembled on some tiki torch patio for the Cocktail Party but Chris Harrison appears and delivers the Shocking News that there will be no Cocktail Party tonight and we are proceeding straight to the Rose Ceremony. We're gonna cut 2 chicks tonight! We're all set to go when B pulls Courtney aside and she is doing her crazy fucking cokemouth and he wants to make sure she is Here for the Right Reasons and his investigation consists of him asking her if she is and she says "Yes" and that's about it.
Anyway, Scratchy-voiced Rachel and Emily get cut. You're better off, Emily. As for you, Flajnik, you get what you deserve. I hope you end up with Courtney and that bitch will haunt you the rest of your days.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Bachelor: Let's Get Weird(er)
Panama! We're in Panama City for some reason. Probably because Haiti was too expensive. Oh look, Trump has some kind of resort thing, if resorting in Panama City sounds like fun to you. BUT BE WARNED: "NYGypset" says it has "Strange stale smell in the lobby areas, your guest room, bed linens." Maybe that's just Courtney!
We begin with a solo date with Kacie B. Another helicopter ride. I'm not kidding guys, helicopter rides are to the Bachelor franchise what straight lines are to Mondrian. Did you get that? I'm trying to class this joint up a little. Oh, just forget it. Anyway, they get dropped off on SAN BLAS with just their wits and a machete and a camera crew to sustain them for the next 15 minutes. San Blasé, more like. BAM!!! Kacie is told to bring 3 things and doesn't bring any food. WE'LL KNOW WHY SHORTLY. FORESHADOWING. She opines that "a lot of times, couples don't survive when they're just the two of them alone." I have no idea what that means. They head out into the water to try and catch a fish and Ben thinks that "if we can accomplish something like this together, we can probably do anything." Oh Jesus Christ. You're fake-fishing on TV, you're not the mushroom hunters who almost ate their dog. Try accomplishing something a little more challenging like parking in North Beach on a Saturday night or watching an explosive new episode of "Castle."
Outdoor Dinner, of course. ABC hates to see people eating indoors. Kacie says "a lot of things that have made me who I am are tough to talk about." OK HERE WE GO!!! Please please please drug problem drug problem drug problem no whammies drug problem OH FUCK EATING DISORDER. That's just fucking great. Chick was bulimic for a year. I've had drinking binges longer than that. FUCKING YAWN. Anyway, I guess it explains why she never touches her food.
She gets the Calorie Counter Rose and I'm guessing she's going to be in the Final Four. Just a hunch.
Group date. Let me preface this by saying this was one of the most painful Ugly American things I have ever seen on the Bach, and that includes painting that fucking orphanage in Africa. So we're tooling down a jungle river and we come upon some kids playing soccer who lead us to their Village of Savages where Courtney gets mostly naked and dances around with a black bar over her chest and everyone else gives her dirty looks. I really fucking hate Courtney, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the less said about this little exercise in cross-cultural pollination the better.
Nighttime brings drinks by the pool, like it always does. Lindzi's looking horsey as ever. Jamie finally gets some screen time and she's blah blah blahing away as Courtney disrobes in the background. I swear to God, that bitch cannot keep her fucking clothes on. Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose and Courtney is SO MAD she sucks her lizard lips up into her rocky skull.
Deathmatch Date with Rachel and Blake!!! They're off the learn SALSA, Dance of Love. Our instructor reminds us that "da most impohrta think ees that eet ees SEXAH!!!!!" Rachel thinks there's "chemico" between them. Argh! Somebody get the face wash then! Jesus Christ, get it off me! Blake dry humps Ben and the whole thing is quite off-putting. Later, after a Mildly to Very Awkward Dinner, Blake has something to show him. DON'T DO IT GIRL. Any time somebody has something to show someone on this show, it turns out badly! KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Oh no. Here it comes. It's a little Stalker Scrapbook of collages cut out of magazines all about her love for him! F U C K I N G. W E I R D.
In a related story, Rachel gets the You're Not That Weird Rose and Blake is escorted to the Crying Minivan. That creepy notebook did it, Blakely. Try not to be so weird next time.
Now we have some time to fill so Chris Harrison generates a little drama. It has Come To Our Attention that Casey S. is still in love with her ex Michael! Well, maybe she's not, but CH puts the Hypnotic Voice on her and says "You're still in love with Michael, aren't you?" and Casey S. looks blank and nods and says "YES I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM CHRIS" and Ben and his awful, awful hair think she should leave. She just wants someone to marry her. Poor thing. As she rides off in the Commitment Minivan, she wails "Now I have to find someone else!" Love is mysterious and strange, is it not?
Time for the Cocktail Party. Jamie has apparently decided that she hasn't debased herself nearly enough and so she cranks her desperation up to about 11 and tells Flajnik "When I go to bed at night, I definitely think about the things I'd like to do with you." Hopefully one of them is cutting his fucking ridiculous hair. She then awkwardly mounts him for some kind of lap dance/animal mating thing. It's like she's heard someone describe sex but has never actually seen it done. She's issuing all kinds of instructions about who should keep their mouth open or shut and let's do this and the whole thing is some kind of bizarre spectacle and I don't even know what the fuck is going on here.
Do you really need to know who gets cut? I mean, duh, Jamie. I guess her strategy was to lay low for the first few weeks and then BAM explode in a Fireball of Humiliation. Well, that didn't work. Nothing that a few years of therapy can't fix. That's what I always say.
We begin with a solo date with Kacie B. Another helicopter ride. I'm not kidding guys, helicopter rides are to the Bachelor franchise what straight lines are to Mondrian. Did you get that? I'm trying to class this joint up a little. Oh, just forget it. Anyway, they get dropped off on SAN BLAS with just their wits and a machete and a camera crew to sustain them for the next 15 minutes. San Blasé, more like. BAM!!! Kacie is told to bring 3 things and doesn't bring any food. WE'LL KNOW WHY SHORTLY. FORESHADOWING. She opines that "a lot of times, couples don't survive when they're just the two of them alone." I have no idea what that means. They head out into the water to try and catch a fish and Ben thinks that "if we can accomplish something like this together, we can probably do anything." Oh Jesus Christ. You're fake-fishing on TV, you're not the mushroom hunters who almost ate their dog. Try accomplishing something a little more challenging like parking in North Beach on a Saturday night or watching an explosive new episode of "Castle."
Outdoor Dinner, of course. ABC hates to see people eating indoors. Kacie says "a lot of things that have made me who I am are tough to talk about." OK HERE WE GO!!! Please please please drug problem drug problem drug problem no whammies drug problem OH FUCK EATING DISORDER. That's just fucking great. Chick was bulimic for a year. I've had drinking binges longer than that. FUCKING YAWN. Anyway, I guess it explains why she never touches her food.
She gets the Calorie Counter Rose and I'm guessing she's going to be in the Final Four. Just a hunch.
Group date. Let me preface this by saying this was one of the most painful Ugly American things I have ever seen on the Bach, and that includes painting that fucking orphanage in Africa. So we're tooling down a jungle river and we come upon some kids playing soccer who lead us to their Village of Savages where Courtney gets mostly naked and dances around with a black bar over her chest and everyone else gives her dirty looks. I really fucking hate Courtney, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the less said about this little exercise in cross-cultural pollination the better.
Nighttime brings drinks by the pool, like it always does. Lindzi's looking horsey as ever. Jamie finally gets some screen time and she's blah blah blahing away as Courtney disrobes in the background. I swear to God, that bitch cannot keep her fucking clothes on. Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose and Courtney is SO MAD she sucks her lizard lips up into her rocky skull.
Deathmatch Date with Rachel and Blake!!! They're off the learn SALSA, Dance of Love. Our instructor reminds us that "da most impohrta think ees that eet ees SEXAH!!!!!" Rachel thinks there's "chemico" between them. Argh! Somebody get the face wash then! Jesus Christ, get it off me! Blake dry humps Ben and the whole thing is quite off-putting. Later, after a Mildly to Very Awkward Dinner, Blake has something to show him. DON'T DO IT GIRL. Any time somebody has something to show someone on this show, it turns out badly! KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Oh no. Here it comes. It's a little Stalker Scrapbook of collages cut out of magazines all about her love for him! F U C K I N G. W E I R D.
In a related story, Rachel gets the You're Not That Weird Rose and Blake is escorted to the Crying Minivan. That creepy notebook did it, Blakely. Try not to be so weird next time.
Now we have some time to fill so Chris Harrison generates a little drama. It has Come To Our Attention that Casey S. is still in love with her ex Michael! Well, maybe she's not, but CH puts the Hypnotic Voice on her and says "You're still in love with Michael, aren't you?" and Casey S. looks blank and nods and says "YES I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM CHRIS" and Ben and his awful, awful hair think she should leave. She just wants someone to marry her. Poor thing. As she rides off in the Commitment Minivan, she wails "Now I have to find someone else!" Love is mysterious and strange, is it not?
Time for the Cocktail Party. Jamie has apparently decided that she hasn't debased herself nearly enough and so she cranks her desperation up to about 11 and tells Flajnik "When I go to bed at night, I definitely think about the things I'd like to do with you." Hopefully one of them is cutting his fucking ridiculous hair. She then awkwardly mounts him for some kind of lap dance/animal mating thing. It's like she's heard someone describe sex but has never actually seen it done. She's issuing all kinds of instructions about who should keep their mouth open or shut and let's do this and the whole thing is some kind of bizarre spectacle and I don't even know what the fuck is going on here.
Do you really need to know who gets cut? I mean, duh, Jamie. I guess her strategy was to lay low for the first few weeks and then BAM explode in a Fireball of Humiliation. Well, that didn't work. Nothing that a few years of therapy can't fix. That's what I always say.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The Bachelor: Who the fuck is "Jamie"?
Hey! We're in Puerto Rico. Is that a state or what? I can never remember.
We know they speak a different language there, because the first date card arrives and it's in Spanish! No problemo, Emily translates! Is there anything she can't do? She cures diseases! She calls Courtney a bitch! SHE SPEAKS FUCKING SPANISH. CALL ME, EMILY!!!
OK. I'm OK. I'm alright. The first solo date is with Dead Boss Nicki and her big deer eyes. After the obligatory helicopter ride, which is so played now it might as well be a pedicab, we land near some Spanish fort and grab some piraguas, a "shaved ice dessert shaped like a pyramid." Nicki says everything is great and "it's like God smiling down on us" except then it starts pouring fucking rain, prompting the two to go shopping for "authentic clothes." After a brief pit stop at La Bodega De Ropa Auténtica (Emily, quick check - how's that?) they emerge and Ben looks like a Desi Arnaz impersonator and Nicki looks like a tablecloth.
They just happen to come upon a Puerto Rican wedding (NOTE: not a euphemism) and this provides a chance to talk about Nicki's failed marriage. WELL DUH YOU SHOULD LIVE WITH SOMEONE FIRST BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED NICKI. How else are you supposed to find out about his weird bathroom habits or interest in Japanese tentacle porn?
For the night portion, we've switched back to normal person clothes and will have our usual outdoor dinner. Nicki is ready for her "second chance." HEY BITCH HOW ABOUT LETTING SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A FIRST CHANCE HUH? Her marriage only lasted 3 years, so she's not exactly a good bet. She gets the Honesty & Openness Rose and it's time for making out.
For our Group Date, we decamp with a bunch of chix to Roberto Clemente Stadium for some baseball! You know Lindzi's gonna be on this like an anorexic on a LiveJournal. She loves that Guy Stuff. As it turns out, they're gonna play some 5-on-5 and the winning team gets a "romantic beach party" and the losing team can probably still beat the Astros. Ben is the "designated pitcher" and motherfucker is getting LIT FUCKING UP. He gives up 5 runs in the first inning! Who the fuck is he, Barry Zito? BAM. Anyway, this game is only supposed to go 2 innings but they keep tying it up and it goes 5 and Jennifer fucking strikes out to lose it for the Blue Team. THIS IS FORESHADOWING REMEMBER THIS. Jennifer swings at something around her eyes and she is the Aaron Rowand of the Blue Team. OK, I'm all out of insider baseball jokes. The Blue Team is forced into a darkened school bus and taken to a gloomy swamp to be drowned or something.
The "Romantic Beach Party" is mostly a bore. Kacie B. manages to make it through without crying, so that's something. Meanwhile, Courtney the Lizard Queen gets her prey down to the beach and blathers on and on about skinny dipping and if you've seen any promo for this show you know where this is going. It's going to boring is where it's going.
Solo date with Elyse, who we haven't seen much of. They're out on a boat and Elyse is talking about how she's "done everything she wanted to do," like get a Master's and move to Florida. Sheesh, you could set your sights a little higher, Elyse. I bet she has a Master's in Getting Dumped because this date is not setting the world on fire. At our Outdoor Beach Dinner, Elyse lets it slip that she's "sick of being single" and is ready to marry whatever reality show contestant asks her first. Ben is not all that into her and cuts her loose. She is taken away in the Crying Boat and is fucking moaning and weeping and I wonder if she decompensates after every other first date that doesn't go well. Jesus Christ, get a hold of yourself, lady. You don't even know this badly-haired dork.
Back at Chick Ranch, the ladeez collectively FREAK OUT when the guy comes to take Elyse's bag away. Courtney opines that "maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out" and thanks Courtney for dropping every pop culture reference from last year over and over and over again. "Maybe Nyan Cat took her away!" Courtney also says it "blew my panties off," just like anything with an IMDB profile and a gold card.
A plan has formed in Courtney's primitive Lizard Brain. She muses, "I wonder if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before." Like she could get any more repellent. So she camps out by his door and baby voices her way into his room and they go down to the beach and take off their clothes and blah blah blah you've seen the commercial.
OK, cocktail party. B. feels "creepy" about his "intimate moment" with Lizard Queen. You ain't the only one, brother. Oh wait, Blakeley has something "very important" to tell him! Finally, she's going to tell him she used to be just "Blake." Oh, no, wait, she tells him that she writes something down about him every day! Ewww, speaking of creepy! Emily tries to salvage her prior mistake of talking shit about Courtney by TALKING MORE SHIT ABOUT COURTNEY. Jesus, Em, I love you, sweetie, but you've got to shut up about that shit. Seriously, girl. Stick with Spanish and diseases and you'll be fine.
Rose ceremony. Wait, JAMIE gets a rose? Has she been on this show the whole time? Where the fuck has she been hiding? OK, so we're down to Em and Jennifer and JENNIFER STRIKES OUT AGAIN. Yeah, I went there. She is taken away in the Crying Jeep to weep and weep and weep and wonder what she did wrong. LITTLE MORE TIME IN THE BATTING CAGE NEXT TIME, GIRLFRIEND.
Next week, B announces we're "going to the most glamorous city in Central America, PANAMA CITY, PANAMA!" Really? That's like saying we're going to the "Most glamorous store in the Discount Mall, T.J. MAXX!!!!" I don't know, maybe Panama City really is glamorous.
WE'LL SEE.
We know they speak a different language there, because the first date card arrives and it's in Spanish! No problemo, Emily translates! Is there anything she can't do? She cures diseases! She calls Courtney a bitch! SHE SPEAKS FUCKING SPANISH. CALL ME, EMILY!!!
OK. I'm OK. I'm alright. The first solo date is with Dead Boss Nicki and her big deer eyes. After the obligatory helicopter ride, which is so played now it might as well be a pedicab, we land near some Spanish fort and grab some piraguas, a "shaved ice dessert shaped like a pyramid." Nicki says everything is great and "it's like God smiling down on us" except then it starts pouring fucking rain, prompting the two to go shopping for "authentic clothes." After a brief pit stop at La Bodega De Ropa Auténtica (Emily, quick check - how's that?) they emerge and Ben looks like a Desi Arnaz impersonator and Nicki looks like a tablecloth.
They just happen to come upon a Puerto Rican wedding (NOTE: not a euphemism) and this provides a chance to talk about Nicki's failed marriage. WELL DUH YOU SHOULD LIVE WITH SOMEONE FIRST BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED NICKI. How else are you supposed to find out about his weird bathroom habits or interest in Japanese tentacle porn?
For the night portion, we've switched back to normal person clothes and will have our usual outdoor dinner. Nicki is ready for her "second chance." HEY BITCH HOW ABOUT LETTING SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A FIRST CHANCE HUH? Her marriage only lasted 3 years, so she's not exactly a good bet. She gets the Honesty & Openness Rose and it's time for making out.
For our Group Date, we decamp with a bunch of chix to Roberto Clemente Stadium for some baseball! You know Lindzi's gonna be on this like an anorexic on a LiveJournal. She loves that Guy Stuff. As it turns out, they're gonna play some 5-on-5 and the winning team gets a "romantic beach party" and the losing team can probably still beat the Astros. Ben is the "designated pitcher" and motherfucker is getting LIT FUCKING UP. He gives up 5 runs in the first inning! Who the fuck is he, Barry Zito? BAM. Anyway, this game is only supposed to go 2 innings but they keep tying it up and it goes 5 and Jennifer fucking strikes out to lose it for the Blue Team. THIS IS FORESHADOWING REMEMBER THIS. Jennifer swings at something around her eyes and she is the Aaron Rowand of the Blue Team. OK, I'm all out of insider baseball jokes. The Blue Team is forced into a darkened school bus and taken to a gloomy swamp to be drowned or something.
The "Romantic Beach Party" is mostly a bore. Kacie B. manages to make it through without crying, so that's something. Meanwhile, Courtney the Lizard Queen gets her prey down to the beach and blathers on and on about skinny dipping and if you've seen any promo for this show you know where this is going. It's going to boring is where it's going.
Solo date with Elyse, who we haven't seen much of. They're out on a boat and Elyse is talking about how she's "done everything she wanted to do," like get a Master's and move to Florida. Sheesh, you could set your sights a little higher, Elyse. I bet she has a Master's in Getting Dumped because this date is not setting the world on fire. At our Outdoor Beach Dinner, Elyse lets it slip that she's "sick of being single" and is ready to marry whatever reality show contestant asks her first. Ben is not all that into her and cuts her loose. She is taken away in the Crying Boat and is fucking moaning and weeping and I wonder if she decompensates after every other first date that doesn't go well. Jesus Christ, get a hold of yourself, lady. You don't even know this badly-haired dork.
Back at Chick Ranch, the ladeez collectively FREAK OUT when the guy comes to take Elyse's bag away. Courtney opines that "maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out" and thanks Courtney for dropping every pop culture reference from last year over and over and over again. "Maybe Nyan Cat took her away!" Courtney also says it "blew my panties off," just like anything with an IMDB profile and a gold card.
A plan has formed in Courtney's primitive Lizard Brain. She muses, "I wonder if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before." Like she could get any more repellent. So she camps out by his door and baby voices her way into his room and they go down to the beach and take off their clothes and blah blah blah you've seen the commercial.
OK, cocktail party. B. feels "creepy" about his "intimate moment" with Lizard Queen. You ain't the only one, brother. Oh wait, Blakeley has something "very important" to tell him! Finally, she's going to tell him she used to be just "Blake." Oh, no, wait, she tells him that she writes something down about him every day! Ewww, speaking of creepy! Emily tries to salvage her prior mistake of talking shit about Courtney by TALKING MORE SHIT ABOUT COURTNEY. Jesus, Em, I love you, sweetie, but you've got to shut up about that shit. Seriously, girl. Stick with Spanish and diseases and you'll be fine.
Rose ceremony. Wait, JAMIE gets a rose? Has she been on this show the whole time? Where the fuck has she been hiding? OK, so we're down to Em and Jennifer and JENNIFER STRIKES OUT AGAIN. Yeah, I went there. She is taken away in the Crying Jeep to weep and weep and weep and wonder what she did wrong. LITTLE MORE TIME IN THE BATTING CAGE NEXT TIME, GIRLFRIEND.
Next week, B announces we're "going to the most glamorous city in Central America, PANAMA CITY, PANAMA!" Really? That's like saying we're going to the "Most glamorous store in the Discount Mall, T.J. MAXX!!!!" I don't know, maybe Panama City really is glamorous.
WE'LL SEE.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Bachelor: Rise of the Lizard Queen
Tonight it's off to Utah to either cull the herd or marry 'em all. OH NO HE DIDN'T JUST MAKE A POLYGAMY JOKE! You bet I did! BAM!
Anyway, let's start with a solo date with Rachel, the gravelly-voiced "fashion sales rep" from NYC. It's been bugging me who she reminds me of, and then I remembered: she looks like a less-porny version of Miss California contestant Brittany High of Larchmont Village! Uncanny, right? Whatever. Anyway, the news that Rachel is off for a solo date causes Kacie B. to start crying and I now have identified Kacie B. as the Girl Most Likely to Practice Signing "Mrs. Guy's Last Name" and Photoshop Herself and Guy Into Wedding Scenes and she is a little bit crazy.
So Rachel and Ben take the Inevitable Helicopter to some Peaceful Mountain Lake for a canoe trip/picnic. A conoenic, if you will. No, don't. Forget that. Anyway, they paddle around and then sit in awkward silence by the lake drinking champagne and boring each other. For the nighttime portion of the date, we are having dinner inside for a change, preceded by a lengthy voiceover from Ben about what a drag Rachel is. Ben wants to get some Feeling Talk going but Rachel isn't having it. When she finally cops to having communication issues, he gives her the rose. If she had said she was bipolar, she probably would have won the whole thing. Anyway, this segment was boring and I'm not helping.
OK, Group Date. B blathers on and on about how outdoorsy he is and rides up on a horse and they're going horseback riding and it looks just like "True Grit" instead of with dingbats instead of Jeff Bridges. Since life on The Bachelor is apparently inspired by the LL Bean catalog, this horseback riding leads to fly-fishing, or rather leads to a bunch of girls in hip waders throwing polyethylene fishing lines at 6 inches of water. I guarantee you - GUARANTEE YOU - there is someone in America turned on by chicks in hip waders. I'm not even Googling it but I bet you anything there's hip wader porn out there. Kacie B., shockingly, feels that her connection to Ben is getting stronger.
Anyway, Courtney drags Ben off and uses the time-proven seduction technique of talking about his favorite condiments. (Dijon mustard, if you must know). She catches a fish. Kacie feels a connection to it. She and the fish pick up right where they left off every time they see each other. She practices signing "Mrs. Brook Trout" on her 6th period English folder.
Nighttime drinks by the pool. Dental hygienist Nicki wants to talk about how her boss just died a week ago and WAY TO KILL THE MOOD NICKI. Also, what's up with the dental office now? Are you guys just going rogue and gonna keep hygiening without a trained dentist or what? Samantha bitches about being on 3 groups dates and YOINK, OFF WITH HER HEAD. B says she's "highly emotional" and tells her to GTFO. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BITCHING SAMANTHA. Courtney meanwhile greets B with a cheery "Hello, Jello," not kidding, she really said that and God she is so fucking annoying and she makes up some crap about feeling insecure and gets the I Can't Believe You Fell For That Rose. This obviously sends Kacie into a tailspin. Girl needs to pull her shit together.
Solo date with Jennifer. First stop: THE WELL OF SOULS. It's a hole in the ground that leads to a huge underground cave and seriously, ABC? This is what you consider a "date"? The idea is you put on a bikini and then rappel down into this thing and then probably die. Well, Jennifer's wearing a bikini anyway. I don't really see the point. Oblig outdoor dinner, it rains, blah blah blah, she gets a rose. Then we journey to an outdoor concert by someone named "Clay Walker," at which time member of the audience STARE RELENTLESSLY AT THEM. It is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY.
On to the Cocktail Party and it's TIME FOR DRAMA. Emily decides she's going to drop a dime on Courtney and tell B that bitch is a fake. Whoa, bad move, Em, SNITCHES R BITCHES.
The whole thing kinda backfires and B isn't that psyched to hear about this because he's totally into Courtney the Lizard Queen and Em kind of fucked this up. THEN WE GET SOME MAJOR DRAMS. Em is telling Casey (not Kacie, Casey, BTW) how fucked Lizard Queen is and Casey runs off to tell her and Lizard Queen licks her hard little lips and slurs that she wants to do one of three things to Em:
1. "Rip her head off"
2. "Verbally assault her"
3. "Shave her eyebrows"
RECORD SCRATCHING SOUND. Wait, what? Shave her eyebrows? I guess once you have her head torn from her lifeless bleeding corpse then shaving her eyebrows is the least of her worries. Anyway, Courtney is fucking disturbing and weird with her mouth and how she slurs all her words and her flat affect and it's hard to believe that Ben or any other vertebrate would be into her. AND STOP SAYING "WINNING" ALL THE TIME. IT WASN'T FUNNY WHEN CHARLIE SHEEN SAID IT AND YOU ARE NO CHARLIE SHEEN.
OK, Rose Ceremony. Monica gets cut. In the Crying Limo, she tearily confesses that "I want a marriage. I want kinds. I want it to last and I want it to be right and I'm skeptical that even exists any more." That's right! Ever since the gays started getting married, it's all gone to hell. They made it almost impossible for straight people to get married on national TV to someone they went on 3 dates with being followed by a camera crew.
B says their next stop is Vieques, Puerto Rico. Fucking Lizard Queen pipes up with "I was just there two months ago." You did not just fucking say that. What Ben should say is "WELL, BITCH, I'D HATE TO BORE YOU, SO WE GOT YOU A ROOM IN A TRAVELODGE IN HOBOKEN WHILE WE'RE IN PUERTO RICO" but instead he says "Well, we're going back." But seriously, that girl is not right.
Anyway, let's start with a solo date with Rachel, the gravelly-voiced "fashion sales rep" from NYC. It's been bugging me who she reminds me of, and then I remembered: she looks like a less-porny version of Miss California contestant Brittany High of Larchmont Village! Uncanny, right? Whatever. Anyway, the news that Rachel is off for a solo date causes Kacie B. to start crying and I now have identified Kacie B. as the Girl Most Likely to Practice Signing "Mrs. Guy's Last Name" and Photoshop Herself and Guy Into Wedding Scenes and she is a little bit crazy.
So Rachel and Ben take the Inevitable Helicopter to some Peaceful Mountain Lake for a canoe trip/picnic. A conoenic, if you will. No, don't. Forget that. Anyway, they paddle around and then sit in awkward silence by the lake drinking champagne and boring each other. For the nighttime portion of the date, we are having dinner inside for a change, preceded by a lengthy voiceover from Ben about what a drag Rachel is. Ben wants to get some Feeling Talk going but Rachel isn't having it. When she finally cops to having communication issues, he gives her the rose. If she had said she was bipolar, she probably would have won the whole thing. Anyway, this segment was boring and I'm not helping.
OK, Group Date. B blathers on and on about how outdoorsy he is and rides up on a horse and they're going horseback riding and it looks just like "True Grit" instead of with dingbats instead of Jeff Bridges. Since life on The Bachelor is apparently inspired by the LL Bean catalog, this horseback riding leads to fly-fishing, or rather leads to a bunch of girls in hip waders throwing polyethylene fishing lines at 6 inches of water. I guarantee you - GUARANTEE YOU - there is someone in America turned on by chicks in hip waders. I'm not even Googling it but I bet you anything there's hip wader porn out there. Kacie B., shockingly, feels that her connection to Ben is getting stronger.
Anyway, Courtney drags Ben off and uses the time-proven seduction technique of talking about his favorite condiments. (Dijon mustard, if you must know). She catches a fish. Kacie feels a connection to it. She and the fish pick up right where they left off every time they see each other. She practices signing "Mrs. Brook Trout" on her 6th period English folder.
Nighttime drinks by the pool. Dental hygienist Nicki wants to talk about how her boss just died a week ago and WAY TO KILL THE MOOD NICKI. Also, what's up with the dental office now? Are you guys just going rogue and gonna keep hygiening without a trained dentist or what? Samantha bitches about being on 3 groups dates and YOINK, OFF WITH HER HEAD. B says she's "highly emotional" and tells her to GTFO. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BITCHING SAMANTHA. Courtney meanwhile greets B with a cheery "Hello, Jello," not kidding, she really said that and God she is so fucking annoying and she makes up some crap about feeling insecure and gets the I Can't Believe You Fell For That Rose. This obviously sends Kacie into a tailspin. Girl needs to pull her shit together.
Solo date with Jennifer. First stop: THE WELL OF SOULS. It's a hole in the ground that leads to a huge underground cave and seriously, ABC? This is what you consider a "date"? The idea is you put on a bikini and then rappel down into this thing and then probably die. Well, Jennifer's wearing a bikini anyway. I don't really see the point. Oblig outdoor dinner, it rains, blah blah blah, she gets a rose. Then we journey to an outdoor concert by someone named "Clay Walker," at which time member of the audience STARE RELENTLESSLY AT THEM. It is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY.
On to the Cocktail Party and it's TIME FOR DRAMA. Emily decides she's going to drop a dime on Courtney and tell B that bitch is a fake. Whoa, bad move, Em, SNITCHES R BITCHES.
The whole thing kinda backfires and B isn't that psyched to hear about this because he's totally into Courtney the Lizard Queen and Em kind of fucked this up. THEN WE GET SOME MAJOR DRAMS. Em is telling Casey (not Kacie, Casey, BTW) how fucked Lizard Queen is and Casey runs off to tell her and Lizard Queen licks her hard little lips and slurs that she wants to do one of three things to Em:
1. "Rip her head off"
2. "Verbally assault her"
3. "Shave her eyebrows"
RECORD SCRATCHING SOUND. Wait, what? Shave her eyebrows? I guess once you have her head torn from her lifeless bleeding corpse then shaving her eyebrows is the least of her worries. Anyway, Courtney is fucking disturbing and weird with her mouth and how she slurs all her words and her flat affect and it's hard to believe that Ben or any other vertebrate would be into her. AND STOP SAYING "WINNING" ALL THE TIME. IT WASN'T FUNNY WHEN CHARLIE SHEEN SAID IT AND YOU ARE NO CHARLIE SHEEN.
OK, Rose Ceremony. Monica gets cut. In the Crying Limo, she tearily confesses that "I want a marriage. I want kinds. I want it to last and I want it to be right and I'm skeptical that even exists any more." That's right! Ever since the gays started getting married, it's all gone to hell. They made it almost impossible for straight people to get married on national TV to someone they went on 3 dates with being followed by a camera crew.
B says their next stop is Vieques, Puerto Rico. Fucking Lizard Queen pipes up with "I was just there two months ago." You did not just fucking say that. What Ben should say is "WELL, BITCH, I'D HATE TO BORE YOU, SO WE GOT YOU A ROOM IN A TRAVELODGE IN HOBOKEN WHILE WE'RE IN PUERTO RICO" but instead he says "Well, we're going back." But seriously, that girl is not right.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Bachelor: Back from the dead!
Guess what? Tonight we're heading to San Francisco, or as every chick irritatingly and repeatedly calls it, "San Fran." Ben says about a million times how much he loves it and how it's his home and blah blah blah we get it. Anyway, the harem is installed at the Fairmont and we're ready for some activities. Hopefully they do some authentic San Francisco stuff like eating a small disc of artisanal something for $62 or doing key bumps in the bathroom at Blow Up!
We begin with a solo date with Emily. Whatever, you guys, I like Emily. She seems cool. They're off to climb the Bay Bridge! Ben and Emily manage to wake up some CalTrans workers long enough to get some climbing gear and then up the cable they go. Laugh all you want, it does look fucking terrifying. And Emily's afraid of heights! Haha. They're going up and she's freaking out and he says "TALK TO ME GOOSE" and I was all "What the fuck?" and The Wife told me it's from Top Gun and now we know that B is the kind of dork who uses Top Gun quotes in conversation. Anyway, they make it to the top and discover the skeletal remains of a family of German tourists who got lost.
[TRUE STORY INTERJECTION: I have a friend who (totally illegally) walked up the cable of the Golden Gate Bridge one time in the 90's. He made it to the top and said he found an empty Budweiser can and a pile of human shit. Then he walked back down and didn't get caught. That would not happen today.]
Night portion of date. They're having an outdoor dinner. At first I was all "Why aren't they shivering and why isn't the food blowing off the plates?" and then I remembered they were filming this during the heat wave last summer. Serendipitous! Anyway, Emily tells some story about dating her older brother or something, I wasn't really paying attention.
Group date. Just your usual everyday bikini skiing on a street in San Francisco. Remember when they were filming this? SF Weekly does! Anyway, it's like extreme sports as conceived of by a 14-year-old boy. I am vicariously embarrassed for everyone. For the nighttime portion of the date, we head to the Tonga Room and start doing some shots. Someone says "I don't think there's going to be any drama tonight." THAT'S FORESHADOWING and means there is going to be a lot of drama tonight. This drama will take the form of Brittney realizing for the first time that SHE IS ON A TV SHOW and this TV show involves COMPETING WITH OTHER WOMEN TO WIN THE AFFECTIONS OF A BADLY-HAIRED MAN. What, did you think you were going on Slutty Jeopardy or something, Brittney? I mean, have you ever watched this show? Do you own a TV or do you just hang out with Grams and go to bingo? FUCK. She cries a lot and says leaving the show was the "hardest decision of her life." Second hardest was trying to decide between General Tso's chicken and moo shoo gai pan the other night at Golden Lotus. Anyway, KMAGYOYO. You are not here for the right reasons. You must take your ugly purple roller bag and get into the Cab of Tears and go back to wherever they grow people like you.
Speaking of B's hair, it is now starting to look almost as bad as Ali's dime-store extensions a few seasons back. Really, ABC, at least give the man some shampoo.
OK, time for a solo date with LINDZI or however the fuck you spell it. I'm not Max Factor or anything, but even I can tell you that girlfriend needs to learn how to put on some makeup. Even a little lipstick might help out. Anyway, they're off for a tour in one of those fake cable cars. They're tooling around and just as they're passing through the fucking CHINATOWN GATE, which is festooned with paper lanterns and Chinese characters and whatnot, Lindzi goes "WHERE ARE WE NOW?"
Well, I don't know, Lindzi! Maybe this is Little Armenia or Frenchtown! Hard to figure out! Maybe there'll be a visual clue of some type. Sigh. So they go to City Hall and Matt Nathanson is playing which is fine, he seems totally inoffensive and whatever and I'm just psyched it's not Third Eye Blind or Smashmouth. Then it's off to Bourbon and Branch to not eat yet another fancy dinner and he's all "Hey, how come you're still single?" and she tells a very sad story about how she was in love once but he had to be put down after he broke his leg in a race.
DUN DUN DUNNNN. MEANHWILE, a dark presence is drawing closer. It's some chick but they're filming it like it's a hired assassin which would be sweet.
OK, Cocktail Party time. B comes in and now his hair looks like the skinned pelt of a diseased squirrel. Jennifer gets some alone time and she could probably blow a .15 at this point, girl is LIT UP and she babbles on about how she likes him and pats him and is getting weird. WEIRD. This leads to some Deep Tongue Exchange. Swear to God, one person in this group has mouth herpes and everyone's got it, 'cause this guy is making the fuck out with everyone.
The Darkness has arrived. Hey, it's Shawntel of the Dead from Brad's season! She has managed to pull herself away from her ghoulish corpse play long enough to try and get back on TV. Meanwhile, B and halibut-eyed Courtney, who is increasingly resembling a lizard with her tiny food slot mouth and dry, hard lips, are up on the roof and Courtney goes on about how'd they'd make "cute babies," and (1) NOT A GREAT STRATEGY, and (2) ugh, some kind of lizard-human hybrid baby with cold clammy luggage skin and that little mouth slit. No thanks.
Shawntel cruises in and upsets the herd. Her mere presence reduces some women to tears, while others are shaking in rage. It is as if we told them the spray-tanning machine is broken or that Katy Perry will not make any more albums. So she has a little chat with B and it comes out that they've "talked before," which is obviously code for "banged after one of those Bachelor parties and then he didn't call because he had moved on to Jennifer Love Hewitt and also the VIP cocktail waitress from a casino in Laughlin" and so they have this awkward convo and she wants to be on the show because she's decided she prefers the company of the living now. Courtney pronounces this whole situation "whack." Too true, Courtney.
OK, this is running long so let's get to the Rose Ceremony and GTFO. They;re all lined up and BOOM! ERIKA GOES DOWN. ERIKA GOES DOWN. WE HAVE A GIRL ON THE FLOOR. All the other chicks immediately start offering advice, like "Breathe in through your nose and out through the mouth" and "Put your head between your legs" and "Begin to rethink your life choices." Anyway, the Medical Staff gets her upright again just in time to show her the door, along with Jaclyn and Shawntel too. Jaclyn flees in tears. Jesus Christ, people.
We begin with a solo date with Emily. Whatever, you guys, I like Emily. She seems cool. They're off to climb the Bay Bridge! Ben and Emily manage to wake up some CalTrans workers long enough to get some climbing gear and then up the cable they go. Laugh all you want, it does look fucking terrifying. And Emily's afraid of heights! Haha. They're going up and she's freaking out and he says "TALK TO ME GOOSE" and I was all "What the fuck?" and The Wife told me it's from Top Gun and now we know that B is the kind of dork who uses Top Gun quotes in conversation. Anyway, they make it to the top and discover the skeletal remains of a family of German tourists who got lost.
[TRUE STORY INTERJECTION: I have a friend who (totally illegally) walked up the cable of the Golden Gate Bridge one time in the 90's. He made it to the top and said he found an empty Budweiser can and a pile of human shit. Then he walked back down and didn't get caught. That would not happen today.]
Night portion of date. They're having an outdoor dinner. At first I was all "Why aren't they shivering and why isn't the food blowing off the plates?" and then I remembered they were filming this during the heat wave last summer. Serendipitous! Anyway, Emily tells some story about dating her older brother or something, I wasn't really paying attention.
Group date. Just your usual everyday bikini skiing on a street in San Francisco. Remember when they were filming this? SF Weekly does! Anyway, it's like extreme sports as conceived of by a 14-year-old boy. I am vicariously embarrassed for everyone. For the nighttime portion of the date, we head to the Tonga Room and start doing some shots. Someone says "I don't think there's going to be any drama tonight." THAT'S FORESHADOWING and means there is going to be a lot of drama tonight. This drama will take the form of Brittney realizing for the first time that SHE IS ON A TV SHOW and this TV show involves COMPETING WITH OTHER WOMEN TO WIN THE AFFECTIONS OF A BADLY-HAIRED MAN. What, did you think you were going on Slutty Jeopardy or something, Brittney? I mean, have you ever watched this show? Do you own a TV or do you just hang out with Grams and go to bingo? FUCK. She cries a lot and says leaving the show was the "hardest decision of her life." Second hardest was trying to decide between General Tso's chicken and moo shoo gai pan the other night at Golden Lotus. Anyway, KMAGYOYO. You are not here for the right reasons. You must take your ugly purple roller bag and get into the Cab of Tears and go back to wherever they grow people like you.
Speaking of B's hair, it is now starting to look almost as bad as Ali's dime-store extensions a few seasons back. Really, ABC, at least give the man some shampoo.
OK, time for a solo date with LINDZI or however the fuck you spell it. I'm not Max Factor or anything, but even I can tell you that girlfriend needs to learn how to put on some makeup. Even a little lipstick might help out. Anyway, they're off for a tour in one of those fake cable cars. They're tooling around and just as they're passing through the fucking CHINATOWN GATE, which is festooned with paper lanterns and Chinese characters and whatnot, Lindzi goes "WHERE ARE WE NOW?"
Well, I don't know, Lindzi! Maybe this is Little Armenia or Frenchtown! Hard to figure out! Maybe there'll be a visual clue of some type. Sigh. So they go to City Hall and Matt Nathanson is playing which is fine, he seems totally inoffensive and whatever and I'm just psyched it's not Third Eye Blind or Smashmouth. Then it's off to Bourbon and Branch to not eat yet another fancy dinner and he's all "Hey, how come you're still single?" and she tells a very sad story about how she was in love once but he had to be put down after he broke his leg in a race.
DUN DUN DUNNNN. MEANHWILE, a dark presence is drawing closer. It's some chick but they're filming it like it's a hired assassin which would be sweet.
OK, Cocktail Party time. B comes in and now his hair looks like the skinned pelt of a diseased squirrel. Jennifer gets some alone time and she could probably blow a .15 at this point, girl is LIT UP and she babbles on about how she likes him and pats him and is getting weird. WEIRD. This leads to some Deep Tongue Exchange. Swear to God, one person in this group has mouth herpes and everyone's got it, 'cause this guy is making the fuck out with everyone.
The Darkness has arrived. Hey, it's Shawntel of the Dead from Brad's season! She has managed to pull herself away from her ghoulish corpse play long enough to try and get back on TV. Meanwhile, B and halibut-eyed Courtney, who is increasingly resembling a lizard with her tiny food slot mouth and dry, hard lips, are up on the roof and Courtney goes on about how'd they'd make "cute babies," and (1) NOT A GREAT STRATEGY, and (2) ugh, some kind of lizard-human hybrid baby with cold clammy luggage skin and that little mouth slit. No thanks.
Shawntel cruises in and upsets the herd. Her mere presence reduces some women to tears, while others are shaking in rage. It is as if we told them the spray-tanning machine is broken or that Katy Perry will not make any more albums. So she has a little chat with B and it comes out that they've "talked before," which is obviously code for "banged after one of those Bachelor parties and then he didn't call because he had moved on to Jennifer Love Hewitt and also the VIP cocktail waitress from a casino in Laughlin" and so they have this awkward convo and she wants to be on the show because she's decided she prefers the company of the living now. Courtney pronounces this whole situation "whack." Too true, Courtney.
OK, this is running long so let's get to the Rose Ceremony and GTFO. They;re all lined up and BOOM! ERIKA GOES DOWN. ERIKA GOES DOWN. WE HAVE A GIRL ON THE FLOOR. All the other chicks immediately start offering advice, like "Breathe in through your nose and out through the mouth" and "Put your head between your legs" and "Begin to rethink your life choices." Anyway, the Medical Staff gets her upright again just in time to show her the door, along with Jaclyn and Shawntel too. Jaclyn flees in tears. Jesus Christ, people.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Bachelor: The Crying Game
I got distracted by the BCS Championship Game and missed the first couple of minutes of The Show, which means I probably missed the swooping helicopter shots of the Sonoma Valley and Chris Harrison saying "TONIGHT, ON THE BACHELOR," so instead I tune in right as Ben and "Kacie" (ugh) are embarking on their solo date. Is it just me, or does Kacie look exactly like EVERY OTHER GIRL THAT'S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW? There's a factory in Shenzhen China where grossly underpaid workers get RSIs working 18 hour days cranking out Bachelor contestants. Kacie is the apotheosis of their craft. This is the first time "apotheosis" has been used in a Bachelor recap.
BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND. Ben, as we will be informed repeatedly, LOVES his home, Sonoma, and so he and Kacie take a moonlight stroll through a COMPLETELY DESERTED POST-APOCALYPTIC DOWNTOWN SONOMA, I mean seriously, is this like a "Walking Dead"/Bachelor crossover? WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? She says "It's like we're the only two people on Earth right now," like NO SHIT KACIE, I'm starting to wonder if we've all been raptured or something. Anyway, they have a dinner at an otherwise-deserted Girl and the Fig and it's time for more Dead Dad talk. FORESHADOWING. She collects her rose and it's off to the Sebastiani Theater for a TOTAL MINDFUCK, get ready for this. They sit down expecting to see the latest creatively bankrupt Jennifer Anniston romcom or something and instead we're treated to Kacie's childhood home movies. Sure, mortifyingly embarrassing, but whatever. But then the producers really turn the screws with Ben's old home vids, featuring prominently, of course, Dead Dad. FUCK. That is some fucked-up shit to be pulling, producers! Love it. Anyway, cry cry cry and then they make out in the post-nuclear Sonoma town square.
Group date with 10 or 12 or whatever of them. I can't be bothered to learn their names yet. That comes later. It seems that they will be performing a play written by a bunch of kids! It's called "Dragon Ball Glen Ross." No, not really. First all the chicks have to audition for the kids. This is almost as demeaning as real auditions. Whoa, one kid asks Nicki to do a "sexy dance." I might have CPS ask around at that kid's house, just saying. So they're putting on this play at the Community Theater and it's called "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" because you know kids would think of a title like that. I'm bummed it's not "Sir Scotch of Skid Row," but you've got to keep the alcohol references high-class when you're dealing with kids. They're barely old enough to drink wine coolers. All I know is that this play features Blakeley as a Sexy Groundhog or something.
Anyway, this "play" also features Ben in a sheep costume and I can already hear the Furry Message Boards exploding and the whole thing is borderline inappropriate and we're all glad when it's over.
Back at the Sonoma Mission Inn, THERE IS GIRL DRAMA. Everyone hates Blakeley and now it's Samantha's turn to retreat to the bathroom. These chicks hit up the bathroom more than hipsters at Delirium. We segue into a pool party and Ben is fucking making out with everything in sight. Maybe all those bathroom trips! Blakeley "super believes in her kissing skills 100%." Girlfriend is doing something right because she gets a rose. This makes Jennifer cry and cry. Crying and bathroom trips. This is our season.
OK, solo date with fish-eyed "model" Courtney. They're off for a picnic along with Ben's dog "Scotch." Scotch has taught Ben that he wants children! Ben, not Scotch, I mean. Well, maybe Scotch wants children too. He and Ben apparently have a lot of soul-searching late-night convos, so who knows what else Scotch has taught Ben. In the Night Phase of this date, they're off for the obligatory Outdoor Dinner, this one in a vineyard, of course. Ben regales Courtney with tales of his "partying" and his life of excess in the Krazy World of Internet Advertising. Whoa, remember that time we all finished that bottle of Skyy and then ordered room service to someone else's room? That was quite a lollapalooza!!! Crazy days, crazy days. Courtney's dated an actor, she says, but she had to dump him when she found "underwear in the bed." Apparently it's something named "Jesse Metcalfe." Is that an actor? I don't know. She gets a rose. Of course. She's a fucking model.
OK, pre-Rose Ceremony goings-on. Ben makes yet another speech about how much he LOVES Sonoma. WE GET IT ALREADY. He has a little private time with Lindzi or however you spell it and she goes on and on about how she drives a truck and wears dirt for makeup and doesn't know what high heels are and likes to watch wrestling and anything else she can think of to persuade him that she is actually a man. GREAT STRATEGY THERE. Ben's trying to get some face time with all those chicks and Blakeley keeps barging in. This makes everyone hate her and everyone wants to go to the bathroom and cry now.
Oh, here comes Trainwreck Jenna! Being around girls is "very abnormal" for her. I'd say being in any kind of situation without her Seroquel is "very abnormal" for her. Naturally, the stress of interacting with others is too much and she collapses into a crying jag. Jenna is not equipped to handle things like being on national TV or when the vending machine fails to dispense her Sun Chips. Meanwhile, Blakeley sees everyone else's Obvious Bid for Attention and joins in by going off to cry behind the luggage. Ben finds her there on his Fun Trip Around the House collecting the decompensating bags of tears. Quite a crew we've assembled.
Let's get to the cuts. Some chick I've never seen before and Trainwreck Jenna. She responds by stoically accepting her fate and acknowledging that it's not that big a deal. No, I'm shitting you, she totally fucking falls apart and will need years of therapy to deal with this shit. She "can't believe it." Really? Because I can totally fucking believe it. Nobody wants to date an Emotional Plane Crash, and Jenna, you are the Tenerife Airport Disaster of women.
NEXT WEEK: SF. I wonder if there will be any interaction with cable cars?
BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND. Ben, as we will be informed repeatedly, LOVES his home, Sonoma, and so he and Kacie take a moonlight stroll through a COMPLETELY DESERTED POST-APOCALYPTIC DOWNTOWN SONOMA, I mean seriously, is this like a "Walking Dead"/Bachelor crossover? WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? She says "It's like we're the only two people on Earth right now," like NO SHIT KACIE, I'm starting to wonder if we've all been raptured or something. Anyway, they have a dinner at an otherwise-deserted Girl and the Fig and it's time for more Dead Dad talk. FORESHADOWING. She collects her rose and it's off to the Sebastiani Theater for a TOTAL MINDFUCK, get ready for this. They sit down expecting to see the latest creatively bankrupt Jennifer Anniston romcom or something and instead we're treated to Kacie's childhood home movies. Sure, mortifyingly embarrassing, but whatever. But then the producers really turn the screws with Ben's old home vids, featuring prominently, of course, Dead Dad. FUCK. That is some fucked-up shit to be pulling, producers! Love it. Anyway, cry cry cry and then they make out in the post-nuclear Sonoma town square.
Group date with 10 or 12 or whatever of them. I can't be bothered to learn their names yet. That comes later. It seems that they will be performing a play written by a bunch of kids! It's called "Dragon Ball Glen Ross." No, not really. First all the chicks have to audition for the kids. This is almost as demeaning as real auditions. Whoa, one kid asks Nicki to do a "sexy dance." I might have CPS ask around at that kid's house, just saying. So they're putting on this play at the Community Theater and it's called "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" because you know kids would think of a title like that. I'm bummed it's not "Sir Scotch of Skid Row," but you've got to keep the alcohol references high-class when you're dealing with kids. They're barely old enough to drink wine coolers. All I know is that this play features Blakeley as a Sexy Groundhog or something.
Anyway, this "play" also features Ben in a sheep costume and I can already hear the Furry Message Boards exploding and the whole thing is borderline inappropriate and we're all glad when it's over.
Back at the Sonoma Mission Inn, THERE IS GIRL DRAMA. Everyone hates Blakeley and now it's Samantha's turn to retreat to the bathroom. These chicks hit up the bathroom more than hipsters at Delirium. We segue into a pool party and Ben is fucking making out with everything in sight. Maybe all those bathroom trips! Blakeley "super believes in her kissing skills 100%." Girlfriend is doing something right because she gets a rose. This makes Jennifer cry and cry. Crying and bathroom trips. This is our season.
OK, solo date with fish-eyed "model" Courtney. They're off for a picnic along with Ben's dog "Scotch." Scotch has taught Ben that he wants children! Ben, not Scotch, I mean. Well, maybe Scotch wants children too. He and Ben apparently have a lot of soul-searching late-night convos, so who knows what else Scotch has taught Ben. In the Night Phase of this date, they're off for the obligatory Outdoor Dinner, this one in a vineyard, of course. Ben regales Courtney with tales of his "partying" and his life of excess in the Krazy World of Internet Advertising. Whoa, remember that time we all finished that bottle of Skyy and then ordered room service to someone else's room? That was quite a lollapalooza!!! Crazy days, crazy days. Courtney's dated an actor, she says, but she had to dump him when she found "underwear in the bed." Apparently it's something named "Jesse Metcalfe." Is that an actor? I don't know. She gets a rose. Of course. She's a fucking model.
OK, pre-Rose Ceremony goings-on. Ben makes yet another speech about how much he LOVES Sonoma. WE GET IT ALREADY. He has a little private time with Lindzi or however you spell it and she goes on and on about how she drives a truck and wears dirt for makeup and doesn't know what high heels are and likes to watch wrestling and anything else she can think of to persuade him that she is actually a man. GREAT STRATEGY THERE. Ben's trying to get some face time with all those chicks and Blakeley keeps barging in. This makes everyone hate her and everyone wants to go to the bathroom and cry now.
Oh, here comes Trainwreck Jenna! Being around girls is "very abnormal" for her. I'd say being in any kind of situation without her Seroquel is "very abnormal" for her. Naturally, the stress of interacting with others is too much and she collapses into a crying jag. Jenna is not equipped to handle things like being on national TV or when the vending machine fails to dispense her Sun Chips. Meanwhile, Blakeley sees everyone else's Obvious Bid for Attention and joins in by going off to cry behind the luggage. Ben finds her there on his Fun Trip Around the House collecting the decompensating bags of tears. Quite a crew we've assembled.
Let's get to the cuts. Some chick I've never seen before and Trainwreck Jenna. She responds by stoically accepting her fate and acknowledging that it's not that big a deal. No, I'm shitting you, she totally fucking falls apart and will need years of therapy to deal with this shit. She "can't believe it." Really? Because I can totally fucking believe it. Nobody wants to date an Emotional Plane Crash, and Jenna, you are the Tenerife Airport Disaster of women.
Jenna's psyche, upon learning that Netflix streaming is down.
NEXT WEEK: SF. I wonder if there will be any interaction with cable cars?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The Bachelor: Now with 35% more crazy!
[Previous seasons of this crap here, here, and here. God help you if you read through all that.]
Yes, friends, time to load up the Crazy Cannon and shoot despair and tragedy all over the TV again and, ew, not too happy about that metaphor, let's leave that alone and move on. This season we have simian winemaker/feelings-haver Ben, who is fresh off being dumped at the proposal by Ashley and is now ready to move on and "knows what [he's] looking for." Not Jennifer Love Hewitt, obvi!
We have returned, as we often do, to San Francisco and we have the usual establishing shots (cable cars, etc., etc.) interspersed with shots of Ben gazing out to sea REALLY HARD and now he's on a boat. Let's get on down to the Mansion in Malibu and here's Chris Harrison, who really does not age at all, I mean, that kid looks EXACTLY like he did in Season 1, and after some conversation about how Ashley dumped him and broke his heart, LET'S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE AND MEET US SOME CHIX!!!!!!
Our first misspelled Lindsay is "Lindzi," who is either into horses or is one herself. Also hailing from the Land of the Curiously Spelled is "Kacie," who "wants this me to be a we," ugh. We then see her either doing an interpretive dance or signaling her Alien Overlords that she has achieved her goal of penetrating America's Most Sacred Institution and will now send reports form the inside.
Courtney claims to be a model, maybe for the National Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Foundation. Jamie has a sad story! She had "no Dad" and her mother had "dependency issues" and she had to raise her siblings and she is going to cry a lot, I can tell. Our second misspelled Lindsay is "Lyndsie," who is an "Internet entrepreneur" with a fake-sounding British accent that she can't even keep straight and has the annoying in-your-face personality of someone who wasn't hugged enough as a child.
Jenna is a "blogger" who lives in NYC and does Sex and the City stuff like sitting at an outdoor cafe with her glass of red wine and typing something on her laptop and then looking off wistfully into the distance. She is a handsome woman, I'll give her that! Nicki is 26 and divorced and can't figure out why her marriage at age 21 didn't work out. You're fine, Nicki! Jesus, stop talking about it already. We're all damaged goods at this point, babes.
More Chris interview with Ben. Feelings feelings feelings blah blah blah whatever. Chris wants to know if Dead Dad will be with him and Ben says "pieces of his father" are with him. Gross.
Alright, enough of this foolishness. Let's get these crazy bitches out of the limos and into our hearts. Here they come! Erika is a law student and tells Ben "You are guilty of being sexy." Jesus, who writes this shit? Ben's mouth says "That was funny" but his face betrays a different emotion.
Then they start coming in too fast. It's kind of a blur. Some chick says her nickname is the "Baconator." Not sure that's a detail I'd be broadcasting but whatever. Jenna seems to think that Long Awkward Pauses are the way to a man's heart. She didn't get the memo that Ben's not autistic. Much. Emily is in school studying "the transmission of disease," so she's in the right place! OH SNAP!! That was too easy, don't laugh at that.
Here come some more. Amber is wearing some kind of banana yellow window treatment as a dress and has a pronounced head tilt, like when you speak Spanish to a dog. You know you do that! Shira is an actress from LA and looks like an anorexic insect of some kind. I don't want to be too mean to Blakeley, but did anyone else find her a bit....manly? Lyndsie arrives. If they play that faux-British music every time she's on screen I will...I will continue to watch the show quietly or something. One chick sends out her grandma, whose occupation, disappointingly, is not "VIP Cocktail Waitress."
OK, time for the party. All these chicks seem about half-lit, except for the few that are full lit. There's the usual cattiness and all the bitches HATE the chick who brought grandma, but this is window dressing for the 2 main events:
1. Jenna must have apartments in Antarctica AND the Arctic, because bitch is BI-POLAR!!!! GET IT???? Ugh. Anyway, she's crazier than a shithouse rat and begins decompensating directly after her third glass of Korbel. Here she is tearing Monica a new one because Monica isn't in love with Ben yet. Monica wants to patch things up, so Jenna thoughtfully offers that "maybe we can share a tampon sometime." I didn't make that up. That's what she said. Do girls really talk like that? Anyway, Jenna is clearly insane and they should at least do some kind of basic mental health screening before putting these people on TV. She ends the episode with a good crying jag in the bathroom. That's how I end most episodes too!
2. Speaking of Monica, she and Blakeley have a serious cuddle puddle on the couch and she's playing with her hair and telling her how beautiful she looks and the whole scene is straight out of the Chill Room at a rave in 1996 and it really does look like they're about to make out and all we're missing is The Orb on the soundtrack. I mean, what the fucking fuck is going on this season. Decompensating Jenna! Sapphic Love on the Couch! Crazy intense Courtney with the eyes on the side of her head like a salmon! It's too much.
Let's just get to the Rose Ceremony and put this unpleasantness behind us. Ben starts with a boring speech. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy but I've met cacti that had more engaging personalities. Who are we keeping? Damaged Jamie and Post-op Blakeley and her Cuddle Buddy Monica with the Hate Eyes and Disease Transmitter Emily and I think every variant of "Casey" and THANK GOD YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING, at the producers' insistence, Trainwreck Jenna! Yay! Yay!
UPDATE: I'm not on Facebook (as I will pompously advise anyone who asks, like I'm so superior), but am advised that this post has been flagged on FB for being "abusive or spammy." I can't imagine how it's spammy, so it must be "abusive." I don't know how to not be abusive about the Bachelor, but in an effort to patch things up:
1. I'm sorry I said Lindzi might be a horse.
2. I'm sorry I can't string together more than 150 words without saying "fuck" or "Jesus."
3. I'm sorry I implied that Courtney looks like she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome even though she totally does.
4. I don't have any PERSONAL information that Emily is disease-spreading walking petri dish and you should hand sanitize every time you touch her.
5. Jenna really did say the tampon thing, so I'm not apologizing for that.
Can we be friends again? We cool here?
Yes, friends, time to load up the Crazy Cannon and shoot despair and tragedy all over the TV again and, ew, not too happy about that metaphor, let's leave that alone and move on. This season we have simian winemaker/feelings-haver Ben, who is fresh off being dumped at the proposal by Ashley and is now ready to move on and "knows what [he's] looking for." Not Jennifer Love Hewitt, obvi!
We have returned, as we often do, to San Francisco and we have the usual establishing shots (cable cars, etc., etc.) interspersed with shots of Ben gazing out to sea REALLY HARD and now he's on a boat. Let's get on down to the Mansion in Malibu and here's Chris Harrison, who really does not age at all, I mean, that kid looks EXACTLY like he did in Season 1, and after some conversation about how Ashley dumped him and broke his heart, LET'S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE AND MEET US SOME CHIX!!!!!!
Our first misspelled Lindsay is "Lindzi," who is either into horses or is one herself. Also hailing from the Land of the Curiously Spelled is "Kacie," who "wants this me to be a we," ugh. We then see her either doing an interpretive dance or signaling her Alien Overlords that she has achieved her goal of penetrating America's Most Sacred Institution and will now send reports form the inside.
Courtney claims to be a model, maybe for the National Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Foundation. Jamie has a sad story! She had "no Dad" and her mother had "dependency issues" and she had to raise her siblings and she is going to cry a lot, I can tell. Our second misspelled Lindsay is "Lyndsie," who is an "Internet entrepreneur" with a fake-sounding British accent that she can't even keep straight and has the annoying in-your-face personality of someone who wasn't hugged enough as a child.
Jenna is a "blogger" who lives in NYC and does Sex and the City stuff like sitting at an outdoor cafe with her glass of red wine and typing something on her laptop and then looking off wistfully into the distance. She is a handsome woman, I'll give her that! Nicki is 26 and divorced and can't figure out why her marriage at age 21 didn't work out. You're fine, Nicki! Jesus, stop talking about it already. We're all damaged goods at this point, babes.
More Chris interview with Ben. Feelings feelings feelings blah blah blah whatever. Chris wants to know if Dead Dad will be with him and Ben says "pieces of his father" are with him. Gross.
Alright, enough of this foolishness. Let's get these crazy bitches out of the limos and into our hearts. Here they come! Erika is a law student and tells Ben "You are guilty of being sexy." Jesus, who writes this shit? Ben's mouth says "That was funny" but his face betrays a different emotion.
Then they start coming in too fast. It's kind of a blur. Some chick says her nickname is the "Baconator." Not sure that's a detail I'd be broadcasting but whatever. Jenna seems to think that Long Awkward Pauses are the way to a man's heart. She didn't get the memo that Ben's not autistic. Much. Emily is in school studying "the transmission of disease," so she's in the right place! OH SNAP!! That was too easy, don't laugh at that.
Here come some more. Amber is wearing some kind of banana yellow window treatment as a dress and has a pronounced head tilt, like when you speak Spanish to a dog. You know you do that! Shira is an actress from LA and looks like an anorexic insect of some kind. I don't want to be too mean to Blakeley, but did anyone else find her a bit....manly? Lyndsie arrives. If they play that faux-British music every time she's on screen I will...I will continue to watch the show quietly or something. One chick sends out her grandma, whose occupation, disappointingly, is not "VIP Cocktail Waitress."
OK, time for the party. All these chicks seem about half-lit, except for the few that are full lit. There's the usual cattiness and all the bitches HATE the chick who brought grandma, but this is window dressing for the 2 main events:
1. Jenna must have apartments in Antarctica AND the Arctic, because bitch is BI-POLAR!!!! GET IT???? Ugh. Anyway, she's crazier than a shithouse rat and begins decompensating directly after her third glass of Korbel. Here she is tearing Monica a new one because Monica isn't in love with Ben yet. Monica wants to patch things up, so Jenna thoughtfully offers that "maybe we can share a tampon sometime." I didn't make that up. That's what she said. Do girls really talk like that? Anyway, Jenna is clearly insane and they should at least do some kind of basic mental health screening before putting these people on TV. She ends the episode with a good crying jag in the bathroom. That's how I end most episodes too!
2. Speaking of Monica, she and Blakeley have a serious cuddle puddle on the couch and she's playing with her hair and telling her how beautiful she looks and the whole scene is straight out of the Chill Room at a rave in 1996 and it really does look like they're about to make out and all we're missing is The Orb on the soundtrack. I mean, what the fucking fuck is going on this season. Decompensating Jenna! Sapphic Love on the Couch! Crazy intense Courtney with the eyes on the side of her head like a salmon! It's too much.
Let's just get to the Rose Ceremony and put this unpleasantness behind us. Ben starts with a boring speech. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy but I've met cacti that had more engaging personalities. Who are we keeping? Damaged Jamie and Post-op Blakeley and her Cuddle Buddy Monica with the Hate Eyes and Disease Transmitter Emily and I think every variant of "Casey" and THANK GOD YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING, at the producers' insistence, Trainwreck Jenna! Yay! Yay!
UPDATE: I'm not on Facebook (as I will pompously advise anyone who asks, like I'm so superior), but am advised that this post has been flagged on FB for being "abusive or spammy." I can't imagine how it's spammy, so it must be "abusive." I don't know how to not be abusive about the Bachelor, but in an effort to patch things up:
1. I'm sorry I said Lindzi might be a horse.
2. I'm sorry I can't string together more than 150 words without saying "fuck" or "Jesus."
3. I'm sorry I implied that Courtney looks like she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome even though she totally does.
4. I don't have any PERSONAL information that Emily is disease-spreading walking petri dish and you should hand sanitize every time you touch her.
5. Jenna really did say the tampon thing, so I'm not apologizing for that.
Can we be friends again? We cool here?
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