Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor: Back from the dead!

Guess what? Tonight we're heading to San Francisco, or as every chick irritatingly and repeatedly calls it, "San Fran." Ben says about a million times how much he loves it and how it's his home and blah blah blah we get it. Anyway, the harem is installed at the Fairmont and we're ready for some activities. Hopefully they do some authentic San Francisco stuff like eating a small disc of artisanal something for $62 or doing key bumps in the bathroom at Blow Up!

We begin with a solo date with Emily. Whatever, you guys, I like Emily. She seems cool. They're off to climb the Bay Bridge! Ben and Emily manage to wake up some CalTrans workers long enough to get some climbing gear and then up the cable they go. Laugh all you want, it does look fucking terrifying. And Emily's afraid of heights! Haha. They're going up and she's freaking out and he says "TALK TO ME GOOSE" and I was all "What the fuck?" and The Wife told me it's from Top Gun and now we know that B is the kind of dork who uses Top Gun quotes in conversation. Anyway, they make it to the top and discover the skeletal remains of a family of German tourists who got lost.

[TRUE STORY INTERJECTION: I have a friend who (totally illegally) walked up the cable of the Golden Gate Bridge one time in the 90's. He made it to the top and said he found an empty Budweiser can and a pile of human shit. Then he walked back down and didn't get caught. That would not happen today.]

Night portion of date. They're having an outdoor dinner. At first I was all "Why aren't they shivering and why isn't the food blowing off the plates?" and then I remembered they were filming this during the heat wave last summer. Serendipitous! Anyway, Emily tells some story about dating her older brother or something, I wasn't really paying attention.

Group date. Just your usual everyday bikini skiing on a street in San Francisco. Remember when they were filming this? SF Weekly does! Anyway, it's like extreme sports as conceived of by a 14-year-old boy. I am vicariously embarrassed for everyone. For the nighttime portion of the date, we head to the Tonga Room and start doing some shots. Someone says "I don't think there's going to be any drama tonight." THAT'S FORESHADOWING and means there is going to be a lot of drama tonight. This drama will take the form of Brittney realizing for the first time that SHE IS ON A TV SHOW and this TV show involves COMPETING WITH OTHER WOMEN TO WIN THE AFFECTIONS OF A BADLY-HAIRED MAN. What, did you think you were going on Slutty Jeopardy or something, Brittney? I mean, have you ever watched this show? Do you own a TV or do you just hang out with Grams and go to bingo? FUCK. She cries a lot and says leaving the show was the "hardest decision of her life." Second hardest was trying to decide between General Tso's chicken and moo shoo gai pan the other night at Golden Lotus. Anyway, KMAGYOYO. You are not here for the right reasons. You must take your ugly purple roller bag and get into the Cab of Tears and go back to wherever they grow people like you.

Speaking of B's hair, it is now starting to look almost as bad as Ali's dime-store extensions a few seasons back. Really, ABC, at least give the man some shampoo.

OK, time for a solo date with LINDZI or however the fuck you spell it. I'm not Max Factor or anything, but even I can tell you that girlfriend needs to learn how to put on some makeup. Even a little lipstick might help out. Anyway, they're off for a tour in one of those fake cable cars. They're tooling around and just as they're passing through the fucking CHINATOWN GATE, which is festooned with paper lanterns and Chinese characters and whatnot, Lindzi goes "WHERE ARE WE NOW?"

Well, I don't know, Lindzi! Maybe this is Little Armenia or Frenchtown! Hard to figure out! Maybe there'll be a visual clue of some type. Sigh. So they go to City Hall and Matt Nathanson is playing which is fine, he seems totally inoffensive and whatever and I'm just psyched it's not Third Eye Blind or Smashmouth. Then it's off to Bourbon and Branch to not eat yet another fancy dinner and he's all "Hey, how come you're still single?" and she tells a very sad story about how she was in love once but he had to be put down after he broke his leg in a race.

DUN DUN DUNNNN. MEANHWILE, a dark presence is drawing closer. It's some chick but they're filming it like it's a hired assassin which would be sweet.

OK, Cocktail Party time. B comes in and now his hair looks like the skinned pelt of a diseased squirrel. Jennifer gets some alone time and she could probably blow a .15 at this point, girl is LIT UP and she babbles on about how she likes him and pats him and is getting weird. WEIRD. This leads to some Deep Tongue Exchange. Swear to God, one person in this group has mouth herpes and everyone's got it, 'cause this guy is making the fuck out with everyone.

The Darkness has arrived. Hey, it's Shawntel of the Dead from Brad's season! She has managed to pull herself away from her ghoulish corpse play long enough to try and get back on TV. Meanwhile, B and halibut-eyed Courtney, who is increasingly resembling a lizard with her tiny food slot mouth and dry, hard lips, are up on the roof and Courtney goes on about how'd they'd make "cute babies," and (1) NOT A GREAT STRATEGY, and (2) ugh, some kind of lizard-human hybrid baby with cold clammy luggage skin and that little mouth slit. No thanks.

Shawntel cruises in and upsets the herd. Her mere presence reduces some women to tears, while others are shaking in rage. It is as if we told them the spray-tanning machine is broken or that Katy Perry will not make any more albums. So she has a little chat with B and it comes out that they've "talked before," which is obviously code for "banged after one of those Bachelor parties and then he didn't call because he had moved on to Jennifer Love Hewitt and also the VIP cocktail waitress from a casino in Laughlin" and so they have this awkward convo and she wants to be on the show because she's decided she prefers the company of the living now. Courtney pronounces this whole situation "whack." Too true, Courtney.

OK, this is running long so let's get to the Rose Ceremony and GTFO. They;re all lined up and BOOM! ERIKA GOES DOWN. ERIKA GOES DOWN. WE HAVE A GIRL ON THE FLOOR. All the other chicks immediately start offering advice, like "Breathe in through your nose and out through the mouth" and "Put your head between your legs" and "Begin to rethink your life choices." Anyway, the Medical Staff gets her upright again just in time to show her the door, along with Jaclyn and Shawntel too. Jaclyn flees in tears. Jesus Christ, people.


GG said...

"then I remembered they were filming this during the heat wave last summer"

Awesome, clear the way for even more tourists who show up to SF in shorts and expect to go swimming at Ocean Beach because this is CALIFORNIA!

Rocco said...

at least no one called it 'frisco.'

Stephen said...

Rocco, I am going to continue my project to debunk "Frisco" as unacceptable. Sure, one of the first things we learned when we got here in the 90's is that nobody here *ever* calls it Frisco, and that we'd be outed as rubes if we did. But then I noticed plenty of SF OG's in places like Vis Valley and Ingleside calling it Frisco, and man, those people have a whole lot more cred than the people who told me not to call it Frisco (i.e., people who got here the year before I did). So, in conclusion, we don't have to call if Frisco (I never would), but I'm pretty sure people with a greater claim to "authenticity" than we have approve of its use.

21-Day Holistic Cleanse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rocco said...

my dad calls it frisco. he's 85, maybe even 86? perhaps when you reach a certain age, it's acceptable.

Unknown said...

I know I shouldn't take this show so seriously, but I was really turned off by how horrible all the girls were to Shawntel. And on top of that, Ben was too much of a coward to tell the ladies to be decent to her (like he should have to tell a group of grown women to treat another grown woman as a human being). It stopped being fun to watch at the end of this week's episode :(

Stephen said...

Substance-related comments:

1. "leap list"?

2. 40goingon28 should go dark until Ben gets a haircut.

amy.leblanc said...

you are KILLING ME with these.

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