The Bachelor: The Utterly Predictable and Boring Conclusion!!!

Yes, we have reached the end of what Chris Harrison calls the "wildest season in Bachelor history" which I guess is true if you think milk is wild.  Back in the frozen wasteland of Arlington, Farmer stares at the void to which he is trying to entice a mate.

Here comes Baby Voice.  Meeting the Farmily drives her pitch up to a level audible only by dogs.  Let's meet Mom, a sturdy type who looks like she could farm the shit out of something, and sit down for, what, sloppy joes?  Really?  That's the best we can do?  You know you're on TV, right?  BV goes around telling everyone how she can't wait to destroy her fulfilling career she's dreamed her whole life of having and move to this desolate abyss.  Farmer, meanwhile, informs the Sisters Three that he thinks Baby Voice will keep him "grounded" like what the fuck if you were any more grounded you'd be a fucking potato.

Next up is the Virg.  Playing to type, she brings cookies instead of wine like that whorebag from yesterday.  She gets the same sitdown with the sisters but blows it by telling them she's not sure she wants to move to Lunar Surface, IA.  Virg tells Mom she can't figure out why Farmer is single.  Fuck, I can even figure that out: because the only humans he ever comes into contact with are his own fucking family, duh.  Anyway, at this point it's so screamingly obvious how it's going to turn out that we all as a nation kinda lost interest.

Back in Dubuque, the Rio de Janeiro of Iowa, Farmer is going on family-free dates with our two finalists.  Farmer needs to have an important talk with Virg but it's hard because she's apparently staying in a Motel 6 by the freeway.  

Virg isn't 100% sure she wants to move to Arlington and says she doesn't know what she would do there.  I guess you don't know that my neighbor's sister makes $87 hourly on the computer . She has been without work for five months but last month her income was $21602 just working on the computer for a few hours. learn this here now..............

Dubuque proves too exciting and Baby Voice's final date is back on the farm.  They're going "harvesting" but it looks like they're working a big field of deadness so all BV will be harvesting is boredom and despair.  In a rare bit of insight, she says "This could be my future for a long, long, long, long time."  Then it's back to the Farmer pad, which looks like someone paid to stage a freeway rest area.

Let's get to the fucking finale of this borefest.  Usually the Big Proposal is in Fiji or St. Maarten or some other place where you can get a fucking drink, but this time it's BACK ON THE FUCKING FARM.  Here comes Jeweler to the Stars Neil Lane who looks a little stunned to be in Iowa like WHAT IS THIS PLACE WHERE IS MR. CHOW OH GOD ONE OF THESE PRE-LEATHER JACKET THINGS BRUSHED UP AGAINST ME.  Looks like the proposal will be at a creepy abandoned barn left over from filming True Detective.  WHO WANTS TO PROPOSE IN CARCOSA!

Virg arrives at the Death Chamber first.  He lets her down with the old "you're gonna make somebody incredibly lucky."  That person is actually you, Becca!  She actually doesn't even cry in the Crying Limo.  Meanwhile Farmer stares at his tractor for a long time.  WHY CAN'T YOU BE A PERSON I LOVE YOU TRACTOR.

Blah blah blah he gets engaged to Baby Voice.  You really can get married after 3 1/2 dates!  Love is so real.

I didn't watch the whole aftershow but The Wife informs that the Shocking Announcement is that instead of just Kaitlyn being the Bachelorette, she and Britt are going to have to compete and let the men choose which one.  Oh for fucking fuck's sake, ABC.  God forbid we do anything without men deciding.  Fuck everything.

The Bachelor: You fucked up, dude

We seem to have found ourselves in Bali, which is odd for this season because it's not in the Rust Belt and doesn't appear to be a featureless wasteland.  ABC sure saving the money this year though because even the resort doesn't look as swank as they usually do. Three and a half, four TripAdvisor circles tops.

First date is with Kaitlyn and poor Kaitlyn's hair has fought the good fight but has been utterly vanquished by Bali.  They're heading into some temple which features a statue of my corner store guy when someone takes too much change out of the Leave a Penny cup.

There's some walking around Bali which actually looks a little rundown tbh and then they're OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE'S MONKEYS ALL OVER ME OH GOD MAKE IT STOP oh wait I guess it's supposed to be like that?  Fuck that.  The only primate I want crawling all over me is Kaitlyn.  LOVE YA GIRL.

Outdoor dinner in a faux jungle temple setting of some kind.  K has a "weird fear of loss from my last relationship" but she keeps picking skin or something off her lips and that's giving me a weird fear myself.  Anyway blah blah blah and it's OFF TO THE FANTASY SUITE with a bathtub full of cherry Jell-O.  "It's rose petals," The Wife says.  Oh.  Farmer is "excited about the potential they have" which hopefully involves full-body antiperspirant because brosef is sweating like a fat man in a sauna.

Day 2.  While Kaitlyn walks of shame Farmer is off to meet Baby Voice at the docks.  Apparently Baby Voice can't hug anyone without jumping on them and wrapping her legs around them which must be supes awkward at family reunions.  They're off for some wine boating and face mashing and Baby Voice spends the whole time explaining why her sister is such a fucking bitch and WHOA girlfriend's got some serious rugburns on those knees.  Did she already Fantasy Suite with someone?

Doesn't matter, he's not listening to anything she's saying anyway.  Their outdoor dinner is at a slightly nicer resort.  Farmer's all worried that BV won't want to live in Abandoned Hellscape, Iowa, but she's all no problem!  I'll just quit my job that I've wanted my whole life and move to Depression Junction and squeeze out as many puppies as you want!  You're an inspiration for women everywhere, BV.  Off to the Fantasy Suite with you.

Day 3 with the Virg.  There's some boring walking around rural Bali and they drop in on the village psychic who big surprise tells them they should hit it tonight, so he's not really that good at psychicing.  Farmer says "No matter what we do it's gonna be fun" but THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, SWEAT LODGE.  Their outdoor dinner is the same place as last night.  There's a lot of talk.  Are all virgins this boring?  She's also wearing a dress last seen on an episode of Three's Company.  Meanwhile he's sweating like Albert Brooks in Broadcast News.  Oh, here comes the Fantasy Suite card.  Virg voiceovers "He doesn't know he's going into the Fantasy Suite with a virgin."  Doesn't have to come out with one VA VA VOOM!!!!  Anyway, off to the FS where she breaks the bad news and he says "GET THE FUCK OUT" no I'm totally shitting you, he says he respects that, which is what you have to say.  The shitty thing is now he HAS to keep her or he'll look like a total dick who dumped her just because she's a virgin.

The next day.  Farmer stares meaningfully at the ocean, as required.  He is confused and this calls for a sit-down with Chris Harrison, who does not seem to suffer from the Bali Flop Sweats like Farmer.  They have a long talk about something, I don't know, I kinda zoned out at this part and then looked at my phone for a while.

Day 5?  7?  A milllion? Who cares.  The Rose Cer is going to be at the Most Sacred Temple in Bali where no touching is allowed so it's perfect for the Virgin.  Baby Voice has taken on an odd hue that does not go well with her coral lipstick.  Oh, wait, Farmer has to go have a private chat with the Virg but instead of dumping her like a sane and normal person he drags her back out.  Of course Baby Voice gets the first rose.  Then  the Virg, duh, just like I said.  You fucked up real bad dude.  He escorts Kait to the Crying Boxy Minivan where she actually has her shit together pretty well.  Farmer uses his ABC-issued sweatpad to try and blot up some of the rivers of sweat as she pulls away.  This is dumb.

The Bachelor: n00dz

It's Night 2 of our Special Two Night Event/Painful Slog and we're still in Des Moines and going on a solo date with Becca who "likes to take things slow" OR NOT AT ALL I GUESS RIGHT HUH WINK WINK.  They sit around and talk about how she's never been in love before.  Whatever.  Back at the hotel, SparklyBritt is leaving! Oh wait, no she's not.  Oh, wait, she is.  What the fuck?  I guess they can't fix her roots in Des Moines and she needs to see her hair team back in LA.  They're about to start the Rose Cer and Britt needs to talk and everyone is SO MAD.  I think she wants him to beg her to stay or something but he gives her the "I'll walk you out" which I wish you could use to end any relationship.  Like, instead of a protracted and annoying divorce you could just get up off the couch and go "I'll walk you out" and that would be it.

Anyway, your Final 4 is Baby Voice, Virgin II, the Pornstar, and Kaitlyn.  Sorry, Carly's Eyebrows.  That's what you get for snitching.  She gives a pretty good Crying Limo performance about how her family will see her "really sad again, like they always do." God, why such a downer, Carly?

Time for hometown dates.  Literally ANY PLACE in America will be less depressing than Farmer's hometown.  First we're off to Shreveport Louisiana, where Becca has some kind of Stevie Nicks of the Playground thing going on.

Becca's got a Nancy Grace-style Mom and a sister who looks like a guy dressed up as Becca.  Sis basically says Becca is a passionless husk who will never want to do a sex with a man.  Nancy Grace and Farmer head downstairs and what, are they running a gym in the basement?

Mom says she's never seen Becca holding hands with anyone, so maybe Sis was right.  Wait, it is just now dawning on me that Becca still hasn't told him she's a fucking virgin!  Oh man, this is going to be the best Fantasy Suite ever.  They head over to the ferris wheel at the LA State Fair and there are probably people who have literally lost their virginity on the ferris wheel at the LA State Fair but not tonight.

Next, Baby Voice in Chicago, or actually a featureless suburb.  Off to the fertility clinic where Baby Voice works and there's an uncomfortable moment when it appears that she and a coworker are going to have Farmer ejaculate into a cup but that seems more like Jade's territory!  WACKA WACKA.  Then over to BV's sister's place where sister sensibly refuses to bless the potential TV union until BV's the last one standing.  Good for you, sis.

Off to Phoenix to meet Kaitlyn who said she was Canadian? Oh, her family lives there in the winter.  Obama can't control the border!  For some reason they go to a recording studio and record a rap song. I guess the producers drew that out of a hat.  It's basically the whitest thing since fruit suspended in Jello.  Over at K's family casa, we learn that Mom is very protective of Kaitlyn since her "last experience."  Yikes!  Cheating or beating, one of the two, I bet.

Time for Jade in Gehring, Nebraska, which looks like the Vegas strip compared to Arlington.  Here we meet Dad, Dad's fiancee, and Mom.  Dad's fiancee is probably a hairstylist who exacted an awful revenge on Mom.  There's also a chinbeard brother and EVERYONE is just fucking DYING to tell Farmer about the porn but don't.  Chinbeard, though, says that Jade is a "wild mustang" even though he's not an Old West saloonkeeper so I don't know.  OK, time to fess up.  They check into a seedy motel with a laptop and she beats around the bush so to speak for a while and then breaks the news and then shows him the goods!  This is the face of a man looking at his date's naked body:

This is where I'd be CANCEL THE REST OF THE SHOW WE ARE GETTING FUCKING MARRIED but Farmer's pretty chill.

Back in Iowa for the Rose Ceremony and guess who gets cut?  That's what you get for being honest, Jade. Next time take a hint from Becca and withhold, withhold, withhold.

Next week, we're finally GOING SOMEWHERE.

The Bachelor: Arlington, Where Hopelessness and Suicide Meet!

First off, let me say there was an hour-long clip show or something I will not be addressing because fuck you have to be kidding me plus it just looked like it was 30 minutes of The Widow Kelsey dissembling and 30 minutes of former Bachelorette Andi on a wicked crying jag.  Fuck that.

So we're still in fucking Deadwood like we are going to die in this cowboy Jersey shore.  Megan the Simple corners Farmer to ask him a very important question.  What is the sun.  No, it's actually what does he think about her.  I guess not much because suddenly she's leaving and now she'll never find out where babies come from.  There's supposed to be a Rose Ceremony anyway but Farmer cancels it because next WE'RE GOING TO IOWA and if he's going then by God every one of you has to go too.  Man, these chicks probably watched old seasons where every week was like ICELAND! PARIS! INDIA! and this season it's SOUTH DAKOTA! IOWA! A GAS STATION BATHROOM!  They got rooked but they still have to say bullshit like "Iowa is so pretty" and "Oh my God," I shit you not, to footage of pigeons.

OH MY GOD IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL

Solo date with Jade in Farmer's hometown!  Holy shit, Farmer's hometown is a Dorothea Lange picture but more depressing.  Oh look, it's the town sign!

Well, I guess "Where hills and prairie meet" is better than "Hellish Moonscape of Despair."  After a quick tour of Farmer's house, which looks like one of the places they don't pick on "House Hunters," it's off to downtown Arlington, a bleak nightmare of boarded-up stores and nothingness.  That night, they go to a football game at Farmer's old school and then after the crowd chants "Kiss! Kiss!" and these are their primitive mating rites in Arlington. Luckily we're not here for the "Kill! Kill!" ceremony.

Solo date with Baby Voice in the compared to Arlington vibrant metropolis of Des Moines.  "Des Moines has a real metropolitan feel to it," Farmer says, which means he saw a brown person there once.  They go to an "art gallery" and are so moved by the experience they spend the rest of the day taking snaps of each other.  DES MOINES: FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!!!!!

Meanwhile the rest of the chix decide to road trip to Arlington and check out their potential nightmarish future and they're wooing like they're going to Cabo instead of a Walking Dead set.  Their reactions when they actually get there are pretty priceless tbh and they have the vacant expressions of Vietnam vets who saw things you can't imagine, man.

HUMOROUS AND TRUE IOWA SIDENOTE: Whilst texting last night with a friend whose brother went to college in Iowa, we were unbelievably pleased to learn that friend's brother's first year roommate in Iowa hadn't seen an ESCALATOR until he was 17 years old.  MOVING STAIRS!!!! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!!!! Iowa.

Back in Des Moines, we meet Farmer's three best friends, who look like they enjoy cigars and racism.  They're out at some bar and fuck, after Arlington, Des Moines looks like the Lower East Side.  Baby Voice wants to talk about her "family dynamic" which is that her Mom's dead and she isn't in contact with her Dad.  That's sad!  Maybe he got eaten by zombies in Arlington.  She's looking for someone with great parents because she doesn't have any and wants some!  Back off, lady!  I'm still using these ones!

Jade can no longer carry the weight of her Dark Secret and decides to unburden herself to Carly's Eyebrows.  She did some nude modeling for Playboy!  BFD, Jade.  Playboy is tamer than Chuck E Cheese.  Call me when you do Hustler or your name is an autofill on Redtube.

Group date with Britt, Carly's Eyebrows, and Kaitlyn.  There's about 10 seconds of ice skating and then Britt tells Farmer with a straight face that she "felt alive" in Arlington which I guess so because you were literally the only person there.  Carly's Eyebrows ain't having it and she blows Britt up to Farmer and tells him that Britt DID NOT FEEL ALIVE AT ALL in Arlington THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Later there's a lot of blah blah blah with Kaitlyn and Britt.  Britt is very upset about not being in First Place!  Kaitlyn nervously hides behind whiskey.  I like Kaitlyn.

It just ends.  No one gets kicked off.  Tonight it's on again.  It's the Most Dramatic Episode ever, probably.

The Bachelor: Badlands, or Worst Lands?

Was it just me, or was this episode boring as fuck?  I mean, we all put up with a lot to watch this shit, but this one really seemed to drag for some reason.  Anyway, we pick up in media res with The Widow Kelsey collapsed on the floor, suffering from a seemingly fatal case of crazy bitch.  Medics (Australian, I think - is there some reason why every reality show is contractually obligated to use Australian medics?) huddle around, trying to pump sane juice into her.  Sadly, she lives and returns to the Girl Cave cackling madly and talking about brownies.

So now we have a Rose Ceremony up top!  It's like going through a car wash backwards.  Teen Mom and Who The Fuck Is Samantha are out.  Samantha, we hardly knew ye.  Good luck in your new location.

We have unquestionably run out of locations to visit because we're going to Deadwood, South Dakota.  Oh, for a Deadwood/Bachelor crossover so I can hear Al Swearingen telling Kaitlyn that the only motherfucking reason to live is to make sure that other fucking cocksucker dies.  ABC has also run out of hotel budget because the girls are staying in a Holiday Inn with a corrugated steel exterior that looks like it was just flown in from Guantanamo.

What a fucking dump.  Anyway, one on one date with Becca, who looks like she played softball in college and orders her lingerie from J. Crew.  Unbelievably, she says she's never ridden a horse.  That is a bunch of bullshit, Becca.  There's some outdoor shit and horseback riding and a campfire and I don't know how she's going to eat that kebab because she never fully opens her mouth.  Farmer hits her with his usual "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question and she says "Heading up the entire East Coast region!"  Not really.  I don't know what she said but I'm sure it was boring.  They have a long sleep-inducing conversation about feelings and I can tell she's a virgin because she wants 4-6 kids.

Group date!  These fillies are going to write some country music, aided by a park bench hobo and a carpet salesman wearing a cowboy hat.

Oh, it's famous country music people Big & Rich.  I like the bum looking one, he seems like he's drunk the whole time.  There's a lot of nothing and then Farmer gets up to sing.  He sounds like a Downs kid doing karaoke.  Of course Cruise Ship Carly sees this as her *BIG* *MOMENT* and does a full single spotlight ballad.  Then her eyebrows leap off and perform "La Cucaracha" to a mostly disinterested room.

Day turns to night and we're still hanging around this bar.  Just between you and me, Deadwood appears to be such a fucking tourist hole it makes Myrtle Beach look like Brussels.  Jade says she can see herself being in Iowa but she's from LA and she's thinking Field of Dreams instead of existential boredom and corn.  Farmer grabs SparklyBritt and they run off to a Big & Rich show, which is Britt's "virgin country music experience" like she's just desperate to have something virgin about her.  There's some rose thing and B&R play their carefully calibrated corporate rock/country.  They're like Kid Rock without the edge.  When they go back to the rest of the chix, everyone is SO MAD.  At least Baby Voice manages to squeak out that she's "here for the right reasons," so it's not a total loss.

Let's get to tonight's Main Event, the Widow Kelsey vs. Virgin I Cage Match of Death!!!!!!!  Everyone hops into a helicopter and flies over Mount Rushmore.  Virgin "literally with this can't even" and that might be the most coherent thing she's said so far.  Anyway, they land in some Badlands where there just happens to be a canopy bed and the whole thing looks like a Pink Floyd album cover.  Virgin puts Kels on blast and tells Farmer how everyone just hates her so much.  Natch Farmer immediately snitches her out to Kels, who sadly doesn't kill the Virgin.  Everyone cries.  Virgin would be a good match for anyone looking for an emotional Costa Concordia who needs psychiatric treatment if she gets a raspberry filling chocolate from the See's candy mix.  In the smartest move of the season, Farmer kicks them both off and that's it for this week.

Next week we're probably going to Bloomington Indiana, the way things are going so far.

The Bachelor: Isn't my hair amazing? I mean my story. Isn't my story amazing.

Good morning, fellow farmers!  We have arrived in Santa Fe, because over 20 seasons we've now exhausted all the real cities and are bottom of the barreling it in New Mexico.  But it's good news for Megan the Simple, who's "never been out of the country!"  Oh, Megan.  Here, I got these blocks for you.  Anyway, we're staying at the picturesque Buffalo Thunder Casino, which looks like when Pier 1 went through their Southwest phase.  Also, what the fucking fuck, Buffalo Thunder?

Buffalo Thunder has obviously never been to a casino, because alcoholic beverages on the casino floor is basically the RAISON FUCKING D'ETRE of casinoing.  How the fuck you gonna keep car dealership finance managers playing $10 blackjack without watered down G&Ts?

Anyway.  Solo date with Carly, the "cruise ship singer" who is about as sexy as Dora the Explorer.  They go to some house and there's a transient camped out by the pool and instead of shooing her away with a broom they sit down to whatever the fuck this is:

I guess the T is silent probably.  There's some sage burning and mystical shit and then it's time to GET FUCKING BUCK which sucks for Carly because she's "terrified of physical intimacy."  Not a good look for the fantasy suite, Carly!  There's some Conscious Disrobing like it's My First Porn Shoot and then breathing into each other's mouths and I hope nobody got the garlic schmear for breakfast.

The Night Portion is basically just champagne in a hotel room because ABC has given up on dinner.  Oh, here's Carly's story.  Her last BF wouldn't touch her!  Wait, was he a "cruise ship singer" too?  Because I may know why, Carly.  Farmer nods a lot and thinks Carly is "cool and smart," which is how you might describe your second favorite sibling.  Then some closed mouth kissing which probably feels like a Wesson oil orgy on ecstasy to Carly.  Poor Carly.

Today's Group Date is whitewater rafting, which looks more like brownwater rafting to me.  Too bad Jillian's not here to carry the boats downriver in her teeth!  The first time water splashes into the raft Jade falls out and she has a "condition" where her "body goes into hypothermia at like normal temperatures it shouldn't."  WebMD says this is definitely CANCER, Jade, so you are fucked.

The sun has set.  Jade's "condition" has rendered her a vegetable who can only blink her lame attempts at flirting.  BUT WAIT WHO'S THIS?  Our favorite tequila receptacle, Jordan!  She's somehow sobered up but not enough to put on makeup.  She wants back in!  HELL YEAH THERE'S BOOZE LEFT.  Now J's drinking lemon water and not making any friends.  After consulting with the chix, Farmer says nope to Jordan.  You'll have to buy your own drinks now, Jordan.  Also, Jordan claims to be 24?  Not a fucking chance, sweetie.

Meanwhile Carly tells us that Sparkle Princess Britt hasn't been showering?  Maybe that explains the dreadlog on her head.

Farmer comes to wake her up at 4:30 but she's wearing full makeup despite smelling like the 24 Hour Fitness on Van Ness.  They're going hot air ballooning and Britt seems to have already forgotten her fear of heights, because sadly she doesn't freak out or have seizures.  It's beautiful and magical and Britt wants "a hundred kids" so maybe's she's a chinchilla.  Same size and build, anyway.

The Widow Kelsey has decided to tell her story!  She reveals that she was married to Sanderson Poe, which was apparently a person and not a law firm, who died of heart something, maybe "congestive heart failure"?  She can't really remember.  The whole thing seems a little made up, actually.  Maybe she's totally Gone Girling this.  Oh wait, spoiler.  She does actually say "Isn't my story amazing?" which is great because it's a good way to tell if someone is a psychopath.

Shit is getting fucking REAL now because Farmer's too emotional for the Cocktail Party and sends Chris Harrison in to tell the chix his mind is made up and we'll just go straight to the Rose Ceremony.  For some inexplicable reason, this causes The Widow Kelsey to collapse in the hallway.

NEXT WEEK: We'll find out if "congestive heart failure" is contagious.

The Bachelor: A-virgin therapy

Christ, I am so fucking sorry for that title.  That is really, really terrible.  Sorry.

Tonight's Special Guests will be a trio of Chris' unnamed sisters, who will interview some of the chixx and decide who gets a Very Special Date with the Farmer.  Hey, beats drinking warm goat milk like last week, I guess.

A bunch of the Ladies are off with C in 2 cars with C driving one and HOLY CRAP THEY'RE LETTING MEGAN THE SIMPLE DRIVE THE OTHER ONE.  I didn't know you could still get that kind of insurance, ABC!  One of the Ashleys comments "For me, if a guy is driving, it's one of the sexiest things he can do."  Whoa girl, your commute must be SEXCITING.  Wait til you see me parallel park!  Holy shit, put your clothes back on!  Anyway, this odd procession makes its way to some sad-looking 34% full reservoir somewhere in Southern Cali and it's not long before bikini parts are flying.  The Widow Kelsey is NOT AT ALL HAPPY about this date and the "muddy water hellhole" that compares unfavorably to the lakes of the Great State of Michigan!  We're in a drought, bitch!  Not our fault!

Back at the house, the Farmer Sisters have concluded their interviews - not before making Carly cry because she's never been loved, Y I K E S - and JADE has been named the new Regional Manager!  I mean, she gets to go on the date or whatever.

Let's head back to Lake Hellhole where there's going to be some camping!  Oh shit, Krazee Ashley is ready to throw down.  What she's "most scared of" is having no music so she starts chanting nonsensical syllables and doing her epileptic seizure dance.  Kraz gets a chance to sit down with C and maybe show him the other night was an aberration and she can be totally normal.

Sad trombone.  As C struggles with this admittedly layered and complex question, Kraz is onto new topics!  "Look at the moon.  It's so weird to me.  And we're sitting here.  Like that's weird to me."  It's pretty clear now that Kraz is either (1) putting on an act trying to get national attention (2) trying a series of powerful hallucinogens for the first time on network TV or (3) actually in a dissociative state and no one is helping her.  Anyway, she closes strong with "I love everything about you" and

Kaitlyn kind of nails it when she says "I don't think Ashley is here for the right reasons because I don't even know if she knows where here is."

VIRGIN TIME!!!!  She decides she's going to spill the beans to C and sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night and thank God they aren't filming in Texas or she would be all kinds of shot.  She jabbers some nonsense about not being experienced and it's like if you're gay and just tell your parents you like musical theater and think "That should about do it!"

I'm gonna really condense the Big Date with Jade because it's essentially just a half hour commercial for some new live-action Cinderella movie like GOD I am so sick of seeing stories about privileged white people overcoming their struggles.  This date mostly consists of them eating dinner alone in a huge room and then dancing alone in another huge room while a movie plays in the background.  It's like an agoraphobic's dream date,  Anyway, they both are essentially personalityless so I assume they will end up together.

Group date starts with a bunch of chicks in wedding dresses getting on a plane.  Hey, Mormons in the Sky!  Next month on FXX.  Anyway, they land at SFO and they're going to run some mud obstacle course to raise awareness for MS or something.  Obvs Jillian is SUPER INTO THIS and everyone else basically quits and Jillian beats that course like a bitch who snitched on her to the bulls.  She is awarded a night dinner which she will CRUSH TO DEATH.

This dinner takes place high atop the Fairmont here in lovely SF.  Jillian has figured out how to put on a dress.  C is babbling non sequitirs.  "Family is really important to me, where do you see yourself in five years?"  He's just reading random First Date Question Cards together. Jillian unleashes a word firehose on hapless C and literally asks him if he'd rather fuck a homeless girl or go celibate for 5 years.  DON'T ANSWER THAT.  Understandably alarmed, he boots her off the show and somehow she doesn't beat the shit out of him.  We'll miss you and your guns, J.

Cocktail Party!  It's Round 2 of Trying to Tell Him I'm a Virgin.  She gets it out and SURPRISE! He "totally respects that" which is what you say anytime you find out an adult woman is a virgin or is paralyzed and can paint with her toes or whatever.  Oh shit, Becca's a virgin too!  Everyone's a virgin now!  Baby Jesuses all around!

Here's who's staying: Baby Voice, iCarly, Megan the Simple, Still Not Sure Who Samantha Is But She Keeps Hanging Around, Virgins I & II, and SparklyBritt.  Finally, Krazee Ashley can get some help.  Also out the door are Chick With Dark Hair I've Never Seen Before and Juelia the Pool Party Ruiner.  Better days, ladies.

UPDATE!!!!!! THE PLOT THICKENS.  According to I'm sure reputable source "The Stir," Krazee Ashley isn't a hairstylist from Brooklyn AT ALL.  No, she's just a boring office drone from Atlanta.  Good luck finding a hairstylist in Brooklyn with no visible tattoos, just like I said.  Her Instagram feed looks like Normal Off the Shelf White Girl America.  So it was an act.  Lame.

The Bachelor: Jillian runs this yard, bitch

This week's gimmick is going to be repeated appearances by Jimmy Kimmel, to what end I cannot imagine other than to use Kimmel's supposed cachet to prop up the bloated Bachelor corpse but what really happens is that Jimmy's antics highlight the moss-covered-rock-like personality of the Farmer.  Anyway, we kick off with Kimmel delivering a monologue that's even less funny than a normal monologue would be and the introduction of a swear jar for the word "amazing" which is just as dumb and pointless a concept as it sounds.  I would support the idea of a jar you have to put a dollar into every time one of the girls stares into the void and prays for a merciful and painless end but I'm not sure there's a jar big enough.

Solo date with Kaitlyn with a K.  For some reason they're going to Costco.  This is supposed to be funny I think.  Oh, I get it, it's what Real Married Couples do so that's the point.  I guess Watching 3 Hours of Top Chef wouldn't make for good TV but that's what Real Married Couples do.  Anyway, watching people shop at Costco is just as boring and dumb as actually going to Costco.

The idea here is that they'll then go back to the Pad and cook dinner for Jimmy, who shows up with a gift and some bad jokes.  Having Jimmy there just highlights how fake and staged the whole show is (which more on that later).  It's pointless to write anything else about this.  It's stupid and nobody should watch this show anyway.

We are then transported to a farmlike setting for some kind of Group Date Farm Obstacle Course that includes collecting eggs and milking goats and catching pigs and collecting farm subsidies for land you didn't even farm and growing bioengineered nightmare crops that will eventually turn all of us into mutantlike puddles of flesh.  But hey, cute goats!  The Shoveling Manure stage, a wry commentary on the show as a whole, is dominated by Jillian the Barbarian, who has a black boxed ass again and apparently dresses for every event like she's posing for Hustler.

Another night, another rooftop pool.  Carly, who "won" the Farmalympics, gets her close-up and WHOA GIRL WHAT THE FUCK WITH THOSE EYEBROWS.

Need to talk to your Eyebrow Artiste, because she accidentally gave you the South American Dictator or the Angry Clown instead of the Girl Next Door.  Anyway, she correctly tells him "You are a man and I'm a woman" and mashes her face into him.  Meanwhile, Jillian, Inmate #24557, has made Britt her bitch.

Date with Baby Voice.  She likes to meet people in airports and then become Facebook friends with them.  This is stalking behavior!  "So nice to meet you at DFW! Hope your children BRAD and KELLY enjoy ROOSEVELT MIDDLE SCHOOL!"

ABC has gone all out on this one and staged an entire wedding they can pretend to crash.  Farmer is worried they "may end up in jail" but they're white so I doubt it. They magically change into formalwear and ABC plays this whole thing like it's hostage negotiations tense but it's fake as shit.  Whatever.

OH GOOD Jimmy Kimmel is back for the Cocktail Party. Except - WHAT?!? - no Cocktail Party!?  It's a pool party instead? NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!  Like we give a shit.  Megan the Simple, however, reacts like she's been told there's no school today or she's getting free Goldfish crackers.

You know what goes good with a pool party?  Plastic drinkware?  Yes, but also a gut-wrenching tale of your spouse's suicide, or at least that's what Juelia or however you spell it seems to think.  It's really horrible and Farmer is like "Can I get a tissue?" when his face says "Can I get a body double?"  Later, Boss Bitch of the Yard Jillian has commandeered the hot tub when some other chicks interrupt.  OTHER CHICKS WHO ARE GETTING SHANKED TONIGHT I MEAN.

OK, let's wrap this up.  Who's in?  Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Kids Having Kids, The Widow Kelsey, Britt, Megan the Simple, Carly, Krazee Ashley (MISS YOU BOO, HOPING TO SEE MORE NEXT WEEK), Again, Who The  Fuck Is Nikki, Boss Bitch Jillian, and the Virgin.

We must bid farewell to Possibly Black Amber, Some Blonde Chick I Didn't Recognize, and Some Other Chick I Didn't Recognize.  Next week it appears we're off to SF so hopefully it's just two hours of standing in line at Tartine.

The Bachelor: Give me your crazy, your drunk, your huddled simpletons yearning to read

Before we can get started on our dates this week there's some garbage time about how Yoga Kimberly who got kicked off last week wants to get back on and OH WHATEVER SHALL WE DO and brows are furrowed and eventually Kimberly is readmitted into the pack and the other chicks look at her like she's Al Sharpton at a Klan rally.  IN ANOTHER BIT OF SHOCKING NEWS we are informed that Farmer Chris's bachleor pad is not on some distant isle but LO, JUST AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY.  Whatever.

Group Date with some of them give me a break it's too early to learn all their names yet.  The Scream of Chicks reports to what appears to be a faceless office building in LA but is actually 1010 Wilshire, "a new lifestyle solution for professionals wanting to live, work, and play" which sounds like it could be anything from a nutritional supplement to an app but is actually rental units with you guessed it a rooftop pool.  Based on what I know from the Bachelor, every building in LA is equipped with a rooftop pool and a set of stemless wineglasses.
Meanwhile, back at the Female Farm, the News Producer who has apparently decided to produce herself out of bikini bottoms forcing ABC to black box her private area and Megan the Simple with her Life Helmet on have decided to burgle Chris's quarters.

We return to the Group Date where the next event, inevitably, is Bikini Tractor Racing, which I think Tara does professionally.

Periodic reminder that I love Tara.  Her tagline is "Sport Fishing Enthusiast" which is code for something dirty or illegal but I haven't figured it out yet.  Anyway, the producers have fixed the tractors so they can only go 3 mph to make a sad commentary on the state of the family farm.

Post tractoring C culls Kids Having Kids McKenzie or MacKenzie or whatever from the herd probably to take her for soft serve or to see Frozen.  Oh wait they're going to some bar called "The Escondite" which bills itself on its website as being in "SKIDROWKYO" in case you had the idea that SF had a monopoly on repellent neighborhood monikers.  Anyway, McK is a little crazy and nobody told her you don't bust out with "Do you believe in aliens" on the first date!

Solo date with Megan the Simple.

In the limo she says, no joke, "I just read the word airport" so GRAPE JOB MEGAN!!!!!  You get a treat.  They private jet to Vegas and then take the whirly stick machine up in the sky!  SECOND ACTUAL MEGAN QUOTE: "The butterflies in my stomach are just colorful and smiling and fluttering all over the place."  Jesus fucking Christ.  Anyway, they chopper to the Grand Canyon where Megan reveals that her Dad just had a heart attack and got brain damage but Mom told her to go on the show anyway!  C feels like "there is something here" but it's clearly not crossword puzzle answers or the ability to read a fast food menu.  Megan may be sweet but she is dumber than a roomful of mutes.

ANOTHER FUCKING GROUP DATE  with like 20 of them.  Apparently Zombie Paintball is a thing?  I don't know.  It's some fake movie set and the chix all wander around shooting people who have the Worst Job in America with paintball guns.

OK, we have to talk about Brooklyn Ashley (who I mistakenly said was kicked off last week) because it's very sad.  Either she ate a ton of fucking mushrooms right before this or had a mental break on camera because she spent most of the segment wandering aimlessly around the set and saying things like "Boom, go find your own way, you know, the truth" and "Are we in Mesa Verde?" Then she sat down to talk to the cat.  Seriously, what the fucking fuck.  Some other shit happened I guess but this conflagration of crazy kind of stole the show.  YOU DO YOU BROOKLYN ASHLEY.

Let's jump to the Cocktail Party.  Hopefully Ashley's cocktail is Risperdal and Thorazine.  Some Other Ashley comes out as a virgin to Teen Mom who opines that "Guys like taking your virginity!" in such a disturbingly perky way that makes me think there might be more than one dude who thinks he deflowered McKenzie. Armed with this insider info Ashley the Virgin approaches C and engages in some kind of bizarre belly ring ceremony that ultimately results in them slapping their faces together like fur seals.  Later, Possibly Black Amber also gets in on the face sucking which drives Drunk Jordan into a drunken drunk furor.

I'm loving all the drunks this season!  Anyway, Drunk Jordan advances on C and starts yelling nonsensically at him like they're in a college sports bar and Guns N Roses is blasting.  She is literally just stringing random words together.  LOVE YA JORD.

Let's hand out some roses.  Britt, duh, the Virgin, Who the Fuck Is Trina, the Widow Kelsey, SaMANtha, Surprise Also a Widow Juealia or however it's spelled, Possibly Black Amber, Tracey or Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nicki or Mickey or something, Becka, Carly, Baby Voice, and YAY KRAZEE ASHLEY!!!!

As much as I long to see Ashley get dosed again, my heart is heavy, for C has excused Team Highball!  Oh man, no, no, NOT TARA!!!!  You did not just cut Tara.  Fuck you, Chris. We're losing Tara AND Jordan?  Me and Don Julio both weep for our bleak future.

The Bachelor: Farmer in the Gel

One circle of Hell probably looks like a featureless, sunbaked street in Los Angeles County where a semiautonomous organism waves a "I [heart" Chris" sign that someone has handed her because that's where we're starting out this season.  HI EVERYONE I'M WATCHING THE BACHELOR AGAIN because I have so much love to give. Apparently the first hour of the show is going to feature helicopterloads of prior contestants in some kind of faux Academy Awards red carpet show except with disease vectors instead of actors and lowered expectations instead of statuettes.

LET'S MEET OUR BACHELOR whom Chris Harrison gaggingly refers to as "Prince Farming" when Field of Screams or Plower Bouquet or Bodily Farm was available.  Chris the Farm Man is proud to "feed the world" which means putting high fructose corn syrup into M&Ms.  He wants what his parents and sisters have, which appears to be livestock with numbered tags in their ears.  Since he has exhausted the romantic possibilities in Arlington Iowa, he feels that "this is the best way to find love," which means he has never heard of FarmersOnly.com.  Chris dons a comically oversized motorcycle helmet and heads west to meet some emtpyheaded hair product support systems.

Back at the Oscars of Desperation, Chris Harrison is doing red carpet interviews with people I have only a vague memory of, while in the background cavort others we longed to forget like Droopy Face and Too Much Product and Who the Fuck Is She Again.

Let's bounce and meet some chicks.  Britt is a waitress in Hollywood and looks like an Olsen twin on a crash diet in a concentration camp.  There is a not zero chance she's done coke with James Woods.  Amanda is a ballet instructor with Keane painting eyes and a legitimately krazee vibe. Whitney is a "fertility nurse" who has found the perfect job for someone with the voice of a toddler.  She longs to be fertilized as well!  Kelsey is an exotic-looking widow in Austin whose husband's heart just stopped one day!  If he was walking in Austin anytime between May and September I can understand.

Cut to the Red Carpet where there is a Nixon-Frost length interview with Nikki about Juan Pablo and her life and anything else in the entire universe.  Gotta put something in between yogurt commercials, I guess.

After an hour of bullshit and the Nikki Documentary, we're finally ready to get started.  Following establishing shots of Chris trying on clothes for the first time ever and gettin his visage fixed with the pitcher machine, we're ready to start unloading the Cattle Cars.  Out pops Britt who latches onto C like he's a kidney donor and she can't process waste.  The Widow Kelsey claims to be "just a regular girl" but she's on this show so I'm not 100% sure about that. I was starting to think we were going to largely avoid Gimmick Intros when Human Tissue Salesgirl Reegan arrives with a biohazard container full of what she says is a human heart but is probably just human lungs or a spleen.  Lame.

THEN THERE'S TARA.  I kinda love Tara.  She hops out in a Sexy Farmgirl Halloween costume with cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes and proceeds straight to the bar and orders a Jameson.  SWOON.  Then for some reason she changes into a cocktail dress and gets out of the limo again? Not sure why, but we get to see her killer White Trash Tatt:

It's kind of hard to read but I think it says either "LOVE IS PEE * BRIDE OF RESIN" or "FINE BY ME * WHISKEY & GINGER."

More chicks.  Amanda takes her bipolar and goes flying by. Hairstylist Ashley says she's 24 but maybe means she's been a hairstylist for 24 years?  I know Kaitlyn With a K is probably getting all the press for telling C "You can plow the fuck out of my field any day" but that's the Space Pants of farmer pickup lines. So played.

The ladies are at Cuban Missile Crisis levels of concern because THERE ARE ONLY 15 OF THEM.  No one can process this world-shatteringly bizarre turn of events.  OH WAIT IT'S CATTLE CAR ROUND 2.  The First 15, now in various stages of intoxication, peer from behind the blinds as Wedding Cake Decorator and Tandra on the Motorcycle and Nicole Who Is Wearing a Pig Nose Not As a Statement on Society But For Other Inscrutable Reasons arrive.  Karas and Jades and various other dubiously-employed lifeforms emerge.  There are 30 women now!  Or as DiCaprio calls it, Tuesday.

FINALLY, we are at the Cocktail Party, i.e. Lord of the Flies Sponsored by Sephora.  C passes haplessly from Plus Size Model to Fourth Grade Teacher like a speed dating tetherball.  My two fave drunks are Ashley from Brooklyn (not that Brooklyn, though - no full sleeves or dumb hat or boring anecdote about her solo show) and of course Tara, who winningly says she "cares for that kid," hopefully meaning C and not an actual child because Tara should not involved in any child care scenario. Human Teeth Whitener Britt gets the First Impression Rose, raising the combined IQ of her and the plant to 80.  JUMP CUT back to the Live Show where Famous Loser Michelle Money meows "I heard she doesn't shower" about Britt. What the fuck Michelle.

ROSE CEREMONY.  God, they better not do these fucking 3 hour shows every time. I'm barely keeping track at this point.  Who's staying? Kaitlyn, Jade, Poor Man's Mischa Barton With Black Hair, The Widow Kelsey, Megan the Simple.  Meanwhile Drunk Tara is hanging on like Just Standing There is a roadside DUI test.  It's touch and go about whether she's gonna end up on the floor before this is over but YAY she gets a rose.  Sadly, Ashley from Brooklyn does not.  There are other roses given and withheld.

Meanwhile, Tara has confused her rose for Domino's and is going house on it.

My only wish for this season is a long run for Tara and a high enough Jameson budget to make it worthwhile.  *winks* Love ya girl.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I went to school for sports broadcast news but now I sell cadaver tissue."  Has there ever been a better metaphor for life?