What happens is, every season before the last episode, Chris Harrison calls everyone together to sit in a studio with an audience and fight about what happened that season and make some people cry hopefully and also show a lot of clips. Last night it was called "The Women Tell All" but nobody really told anything. I watched it anyway because I'm retarded and in for a penny and whatnot.
We started out by taking a look at Where Past Contestants Are Now. From the looks of the footage we saw, they're contracting STDs in Vegas. Oh look, there's Frank! I always had a soft spot for Frank. He was so dopey and stupid that it almost seemed unfair to put him on the show. The way he's leering at Ali, I hope his child bride Nicole isn't watching.
Anyway. Back to the studio. Oh God, they're trotting Shawntel out AGAIN. What the fuck is it, ABC? What is your strange uncontrollable attraction to Shawntel that you have to keep bringing her on this show? Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with, ABC? And then ignore her texts and talk bad about her behind her back and be all "Yeah, whatever, I was never into her," even though you totally are, ABC? Why don't you just do that?
Chris does some interviews with Emily and Kacie (whose highlight package make the audience cry!) and FINALLY we get to Courtney. Everybody piles on Courtney. Monica says she's a "liar" and "vapit," whatever that means. Wait, there's something off about Courtney. She's not sucking her lips into her lizard head and she's not talking her Sedated Baby Voice. What the fuck? She's sort of normal and contrite!!! Why are you fucking with us, Courtney? What strange sorcery is this? I guess those acting lessons are paying off! So she apologizes like a million times and fake cries and gets a special crying SUV to leave in. Huh.
Let's bring out that flat-haired doofus for a talk. Nicki says "You are the best man I've ever met in my entire life." Jesus Christ, Nicki. Where did you grow up, inside a prison or something? Bitch needs to get out more. Jamie wants him to know that she'll be around if things don't work out. Damn girl, desperate much?
We'll finally conclude this shitshow next week. Then next season we get Emily. Ugh. Already dreading that. You know who needs to be the 'rette? Emily from THIS season. She's cute and is one of the few contestants in the history of the show who seems to have a sense of humor or any actual personality beyond I'm Not Here to Make Friends and I'm Here For the Right Reasons and Please Love Me Please Please Please My Daddy Never Said He Loved Me. Yeesh.
Showing posts with label fedotowskys and their admirers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fedotowskys and their admirers. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The Bachelor: You are fucking this up, dude
For whatever reason, ABC has decided to take this traveling shitshow to Switzerland, possibly because we have exhausted our island/tropical destinations or maybe just to infuse the EU with some American TV cash. In any case, Our Journey begins with Ben Flathair being shown to a First Class seat on Swissair, where he can gaze meaningfully out the window and burn 10 minutes recapping everything he did with the Final Three. Yawn. During this reverie, he refers to Courtney as a "little nerdy," which is patently ridiculous.
Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.
Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.
Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.
For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.
It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.
Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.
Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.
OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.
OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.
Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.
Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.
Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.
Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.
For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.
It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.
Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.
Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.
OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.
OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.
Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Bachelor Jesus: The Girls of Galilee
It’s only Week 2 and I’m already dying over here. Why did they have to put this on during Sober January? Only 2 more weeks. I know three weeks is the 31st but that’s close enough motherfucker. Don’t make me watch this show without booze any more please.
Time for some dating! Dr. Hairflip is up first. She dons some kind of Tinkerbell-meets-Lady-GaGa getup and off they go. He drives her down an isolated dirt road where he rapes and murders her. Oh, wait, this isn’t Lifetime. They come across some kind of electrical switch which she flips and sadly is not electrocuted but instead they are at some kind of Super Creepy Carnival of the Woods that would scare the crap out of Stephen King. I mean, there is blood literally dripping from the Tornado.
(SIDE NOTE: To confirm all your worst fears about carnival rides, please consult RideAccidents.com regularly. Thank you.)
So they have some wholesome-y type fun and a big makeout session and puke up wine coolers or whatever people do at carnivals. Dr. Hairflip has an alkie dad who’s MIA and is probably the guy outside Zain’s liquors on 3rd Street. This prompts Brad to whine some more about his Absent Dad. Oh, for fuck’s sake, every fucking episode we have to hear about this deadbeat. At this point I want him to appear and go “OK!!! I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT!!??!!” Hairflip gets a rose.
Next we have 15 Crazy Bitches in a Hummer limo for what’s either a group date or a rap video. It’s some kind of bullshit Red Cross thing to encourage people to give blood. I’ve already slit my wrists so Mission Accomplished. So they’re filming fake PSAs. Ugh, this is painful to watch. Britt says she doesn’t want to do the threesome scene because she’s a food writer from Woodinville, Virginia, but then she basically makes Girls Gone Wild look like Little Women and I guess Woodinville is more fun than we knew. Michelle is an Attention Whore because she’s not getting enough attention. This behavior is rewarded, just like in real life.
Now it’s off to the rooftop pool at the Roosevelt Downtown, which is a loft building that went bankrupt. Just like this show, creatively. BAM see what I did there? Anyway, Melissa the Crispy Waitress is embroiled in some kind of conflict with Raichel. Michelle wants to dissect him and peel away the layers. So do we all, Michelle. So do we all.
Solo date with Jackie the Emotionally Underdeveloped Artist Who Needs a Nose Job. It is to be her very own “Pretty Woman Experience”! Except getting paid to fuck strangers. They go to the Hollywood Bowl and have dinner on stage and talk. Jackie says she never had a boyfriend in college but can’t bring herself to tell him she was a LUG. She gets a rose for some reason. Then SURPRISE!!! Train appears. Now they have to listen to Train play. I know what you’re thinking: “This isn’t a commercial for something or the receptionist’s desk. Why is Train playing?” Oddly, they don’t kill Train and then themselves like any sane person would do. Man, I don’t get paid enough to listen to this.
Time for the Cocktail Party, a perfect end to a day of boredom and loathing. Michelle swoops in to grill Brad about his dietary habits and fave coffee. She’s crazy, which I like. Then some time alone with Lifetime Movie Emily. Blah blah blah. When are you gonna tell him about Racecar Baby, Emily? Spring it on him after the engagement, that’s the ticket.
More Crispy Melissa-Raichel fighting. Raichel says “Jesus does love me. That’s why I will stay.” She is apparently on a different dating show! Bachelor Jesus! “On this date, I thought we would feed all of Echo Park with this loaf of artisan bread and then take a ride on my magic carpet! I will grant you three wishes. You may not wish for additional wishes.” That’s how Jesus works. (NOTE TO ABC: THIS IS MY IDEA DO NOT STEAL IT.)
Oh hey, here come Roberto and Ali to see who is Here for the Right Reasons! Ali lost her dime store extensions and now looks like a Real Live Girl. They will interview the potential candidates for the job of Future Wife and see who measures up. Knowing Ali and Roberto, I imagine the first question might be “Can you help us with the TV Guide crossword? What is Cheers star Ted?”
Finally, God help us, time for the cuts. Bye to both troublemakers Crispy Melissa and Jesus-dating Raichel. Then Keltie, who admits she will die alone. This was her last chance. Apparently Keltie has never tried Walking Into a Bar Anywhere in America. Anyway, whatever.
Time for some dating! Dr. Hairflip is up first. She dons some kind of Tinkerbell-meets-Lady-GaGa getup and off they go. He drives her down an isolated dirt road where he rapes and murders her. Oh, wait, this isn’t Lifetime. They come across some kind of electrical switch which she flips and sadly is not electrocuted but instead they are at some kind of Super Creepy Carnival of the Woods that would scare the crap out of Stephen King. I mean, there is blood literally dripping from the Tornado.
(SIDE NOTE: To confirm all your worst fears about carnival rides, please consult RideAccidents.com regularly. Thank you.)
So they have some wholesome-y type fun and a big makeout session and puke up wine coolers or whatever people do at carnivals. Dr. Hairflip has an alkie dad who’s MIA and is probably the guy outside Zain’s liquors on 3rd Street. This prompts Brad to whine some more about his Absent Dad. Oh, for fuck’s sake, every fucking episode we have to hear about this deadbeat. At this point I want him to appear and go “OK!!! I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT!!??!!” Hairflip gets a rose.
Next we have 15 Crazy Bitches in a Hummer limo for what’s either a group date or a rap video. It’s some kind of bullshit Red Cross thing to encourage people to give blood. I’ve already slit my wrists so Mission Accomplished. So they’re filming fake PSAs. Ugh, this is painful to watch. Britt says she doesn’t want to do the threesome scene because she’s a food writer from Woodinville, Virginia, but then she basically makes Girls Gone Wild look like Little Women and I guess Woodinville is more fun than we knew. Michelle is an Attention Whore because she’s not getting enough attention. This behavior is rewarded, just like in real life.
Now it’s off to the rooftop pool at the Roosevelt Downtown, which is a loft building that went bankrupt. Just like this show, creatively. BAM see what I did there? Anyway, Melissa the Crispy Waitress is embroiled in some kind of conflict with Raichel. Michelle wants to dissect him and peel away the layers. So do we all, Michelle. So do we all.
Solo date with Jackie the Emotionally Underdeveloped Artist Who Needs a Nose Job. It is to be her very own “Pretty Woman Experience”! Except getting paid to fuck strangers. They go to the Hollywood Bowl and have dinner on stage and talk. Jackie says she never had a boyfriend in college but can’t bring herself to tell him she was a LUG. She gets a rose for some reason. Then SURPRISE!!! Train appears. Now they have to listen to Train play. I know what you’re thinking: “This isn’t a commercial for something or the receptionist’s desk. Why is Train playing?” Oddly, they don’t kill Train and then themselves like any sane person would do. Man, I don’t get paid enough to listen to this.
Time for the Cocktail Party, a perfect end to a day of boredom and loathing. Michelle swoops in to grill Brad about his dietary habits and fave coffee. She’s crazy, which I like. Then some time alone with Lifetime Movie Emily. Blah blah blah. When are you gonna tell him about Racecar Baby, Emily? Spring it on him after the engagement, that’s the ticket.
More Crispy Melissa-Raichel fighting. Raichel says “Jesus does love me. That’s why I will stay.” She is apparently on a different dating show! Bachelor Jesus! “On this date, I thought we would feed all of Echo Park with this loaf of artisan bread and then take a ride on my magic carpet! I will grant you three wishes. You may not wish for additional wishes.” That’s how Jesus works. (NOTE TO ABC: THIS IS MY IDEA DO NOT STEAL IT.)
Oh hey, here come Roberto and Ali to see who is Here for the Right Reasons! Ali lost her dime store extensions and now looks like a Real Live Girl. They will interview the potential candidates for the job of Future Wife and see who measures up. Knowing Ali and Roberto, I imagine the first question might be “Can you help us with the TV Guide crossword? What is Cheers star Ted?”
Finally, God help us, time for the cuts. Bye to both troublemakers Crispy Melissa and Jesus-dating Raichel. Then Keltie, who admits she will die alone. This was her last chance. Apparently Keltie has never tried Walking Into a Bar Anywhere in America. Anyway, whatever.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Bachelorette: Finally.
REMINDER: Today is the last day to enter the Six-Word Memoir Contest and win Big Prizes and the Acclaim of Your Peers. You have until 6 pm my time. GO.
Well, friends, here we are at the end of our Amazing Journey that we Gave Everything Up for and did for the Right Reasons, which is to find the Love of Our Life. Opening Montage.
Let’s get to it. Time for Roberto to meet Ali’s family. Wow, is she adopted? All together, they look like a group photo of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Dad and Bro both have Balloon Heads and I don’t know what’s up with Sis. Everyone fancies themselves a Spanish speaker and Sis starts with the R-rolling and calls him “Rrrrrrrroberrrrrto.” Then Mom gets in on the act and tries out her high school Spanish on him! “I want…3 tacos….in the bathtub,” she says. Hey, everyone, News Flash: Roberto speaks The English too!
Time for a one-on-one with Dad. Oh, Dad’s wearing mandals. That’s a good look for a hydrocephalic 60-year-old! Roberto’s concerns is making Ali happy. He wants to convey how much he “generally cares about her.” Dad “doesn’t see a problem” with Roberto. Wow, are they talking about marriage or a new Weedeater? Oh, Mom’s back. She wants Roberto to teach her to salsa! Oh, great! Maybe next we’ll put up a pinata and don our ponchos and sombreros! Ole!
Now it’s Dead Mother’s turn. Hmmmm, I wonder if his Mom will come up at all. Look, we’ve got a Live Mother over here! Jealous much!? DM’s Mom was a nurse. Oh, Ali’s Mom is a nurse too! OH REALLY!? What dress size are you? Now it’s getting weird. Everyone’s a teacher! My favorite color is blue! ME TOO!!!! ME THREE!!!! We were all born in Montreal and speak Spanish and love Sizzler! THIS IS CRAZY!
Dad asks DM to go outside and talk. DM shoots him the secret gang sign for “Yes.”
You know, DM’s great and all, but he seems way more like the guy you get to mow your lawn than the love of anyone’s life. Ali has “so much going through her head right now.” Like the infected ends of her now-rotten extensions!
Last date with Roberto. Whilst out Jet-Skiing, they happen upon a school of stingrays. Oh, how beautiful! Nature is amazing and HOLY FUCK IT IS EATING MY INTESTINES ALI GET THE GUN GET IT OFF ME JESUS CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO DIE HERE.
Oh, I guess they’re like trained or something. Anyway, final date at the Hilton, some nonsensical conversation, then Roberto gives her a picture in a Special Frame he made from twine and macramé at Summer Camp.
Last date with DM now. Ali comes over to his room at the Hilton. Uh-oh, this doesn’t look good. She’s got on her We Need to Talk pout. Whoa, she’s dumping him! She’s in love with somebody else! Roberto, maybe. Why on Earth would she do this without talking to Chris Harrison first? Good God, DM, stop thanking her so much. She’s dumping you, not bringing you another round of Bud Light.
Now we have the predictable post-dumping shots. Ali goes to look meaningfully at the water. DM is crying over his balcony BUT LOOK! IT’S A RAINBOW! That’s his Mom! Just like that time when Kit Kats were 3 for 99 cents at the 7-Eleven! That was Mom too! And my car stopped leaking oil! Mom. Anyway, Chris gets on a boat and heads back to Cape Cod for some more ringworm and landscaping, I guess.
Getting close to the end now. Bear with me. Roberto’s getting ready and shaves and IMMEDIATELY has a 5 o’clock shadow. WTF, you actually see him getting swarthier. Then he puts on his Copier Salesman suit with the Cardboard Collar and it’s off to pop the question. Ali’s waiting on top of a mountain, and here comes Roberto on the Jungle Cruise ride from Disneyland. Once again, Roberto is a finalist in the Sweating 5000! Get the Sham-Wow, we're going to need it! He proposes, she says yes, whatever.
On the aftershow, they say they’re still together. I guess he doesn’t know she’s getting a little Matt Leinart on the side! Anyway, thank you for Sharing this Journey with me.
Well, friends, here we are at the end of our Amazing Journey that we Gave Everything Up for and did for the Right Reasons, which is to find the Love of Our Life. Opening Montage.
Let’s get to it. Time for Roberto to meet Ali’s family. Wow, is she adopted? All together, they look like a group photo of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Dad and Bro both have Balloon Heads and I don’t know what’s up with Sis. Everyone fancies themselves a Spanish speaker and Sis starts with the R-rolling and calls him “Rrrrrrrroberrrrrto.” Then Mom gets in on the act and tries out her high school Spanish on him! “I want…3 tacos….in the bathtub,” she says. Hey, everyone, News Flash: Roberto speaks The English too!
Time for a one-on-one with Dad. Oh, Dad’s wearing mandals. That’s a good look for a hydrocephalic 60-year-old! Roberto’s concerns is making Ali happy. He wants to convey how much he “generally cares about her.” Dad “doesn’t see a problem” with Roberto. Wow, are they talking about marriage or a new Weedeater? Oh, Mom’s back. She wants Roberto to teach her to salsa! Oh, great! Maybe next we’ll put up a pinata and don our ponchos and sombreros! Ole!
Now it’s Dead Mother’s turn. Hmmmm, I wonder if his Mom will come up at all. Look, we’ve got a Live Mother over here! Jealous much!? DM’s Mom was a nurse. Oh, Ali’s Mom is a nurse too! OH REALLY!? What dress size are you? Now it’s getting weird. Everyone’s a teacher! My favorite color is blue! ME TOO!!!! ME THREE!!!! We were all born in Montreal and speak Spanish and love Sizzler! THIS IS CRAZY!
Dad asks DM to go outside and talk. DM shoots him the secret gang sign for “Yes.”
You know, DM’s great and all, but he seems way more like the guy you get to mow your lawn than the love of anyone’s life. Ali has “so much going through her head right now.” Like the infected ends of her now-rotten extensions!
Last date with Roberto. Whilst out Jet-Skiing, they happen upon a school of stingrays. Oh, how beautiful! Nature is amazing and HOLY FUCK IT IS EATING MY INTESTINES ALI GET THE GUN GET IT OFF ME JESUS CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO DIE HERE.
Oh, I guess they’re like trained or something. Anyway, final date at the Hilton, some nonsensical conversation, then Roberto gives her a picture in a Special Frame he made from twine and macramé at Summer Camp.
Last date with DM now. Ali comes over to his room at the Hilton. Uh-oh, this doesn’t look good. She’s got on her We Need to Talk pout. Whoa, she’s dumping him! She’s in love with somebody else! Roberto, maybe. Why on Earth would she do this without talking to Chris Harrison first? Good God, DM, stop thanking her so much. She’s dumping you, not bringing you another round of Bud Light.
Now we have the predictable post-dumping shots. Ali goes to look meaningfully at the water. DM is crying over his balcony BUT LOOK! IT’S A RAINBOW! That’s his Mom! Just like that time when Kit Kats were 3 for 99 cents at the 7-Eleven! That was Mom too! And my car stopped leaking oil! Mom. Anyway, Chris gets on a boat and heads back to Cape Cod for some more ringworm and landscaping, I guess.
Getting close to the end now. Bear with me. Roberto’s getting ready and shaves and IMMEDIATELY has a 5 o’clock shadow. WTF, you actually see him getting swarthier. Then he puts on his Copier Salesman suit with the Cardboard Collar and it’s off to pop the question. Ali’s waiting on top of a mountain, and here comes Roberto on the Jungle Cruise ride from Disneyland. Once again, Roberto is a finalist in the Sweating 5000! Get the Sham-Wow, we're going to need it! He proposes, she says yes, whatever.
On the aftershow, they say they’re still together. I guess he doesn’t know she’s getting a little Matt Leinart on the side! Anyway, thank you for Sharing this Journey with me.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Important programming information
Look, I just don't think I can write about tonight's "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All" special because, frankly, I'm a little recapped out right now, plus that shit is going to SUCK. But maybe! Only if Frank shows up in a new Baby Gap ensemble.
I hear that The Wife is considering recapping "Bachelor Pad," and of course we'll run it here at TVgoingonRecap.
Oh, look, though! Moldy Kirk got with some other contestant from some prior season of "The Bachelor". Good for you, Mold Man! Crap, that story says Frank won't be on the show tonight. That sucks! How are we supposed to have any fun? That little bitch has fucked us over again. Now I know how Ali feels!
UPDATE//OH ONE OTHER THING: January Jones and Jason Sudeikis?? I mean, he's a reasonable-enough looking guy, but really? And before that she dated Jeremy Piven? Maybe I do have a chance with her. January, if you're reading, you know what to do.
I hear that The Wife is considering recapping "Bachelor Pad," and of course we'll run it here at TVgoingonRecap.
Oh, look, though! Moldy Kirk got with some other contestant from some prior season of "The Bachelor". Good for you, Mold Man! Crap, that story says Frank won't be on the show tonight. That sucks! How are we supposed to have any fun? That little bitch has fucked us over again. Now I know how Ali feels!
UPDATE//OH ONE OTHER THING: January Jones and Jason Sudeikis?? I mean, he's a reasonable-enough looking guy, but really? And before that she dated Jeremy Piven? Maybe I do have a chance with her. January, if you're reading, you know what to do.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Bachelorette: Slouching Towards Denouement
Thank God, we are close to the end now. First we start off with a mini-clip show reprising the 3 finalists’ incredible journey. It is so fucking boring it makes my head hurt. Dead Mother talks about his dead mother. Roberto talks about how they’re building towards something really good, like maybe a televised wedding. Frank is staring into Middle Distance and then meaningfully taking off his glasses. This is a Bad Sign. He still has feelings for Nicole, his ex!!! He’s an “emotional wreck” who has “feeling for two girls” and an unfortunate fondness for thumb rings.
We’re in Chicago. I mean, I just was in Chicago, but the show is now in Chicago. Oddly, on the show, no one is suffering from heat exhaustion or throwing up, so I’m not sure it’s the same Chicago I went to. Frank says he is going to “find” Nicole, and appears to be walking around randomly. This might take a while! Oh, wait, he found her corporate-looking studio apartment. Oh, duh, Frank wants to get back with her so he can move out of his parents’ house. Frank spends the first 10 minutes telling Nicole how awesome and wonderful Ali is and how much he’s into her. Not the strategy I would use to get back together with someone! “Hey, I met this other person who is way better than you and who I love very much. Now, what’s for dinner?”
Oh, wait, Nicole’s a little crazy! Look, she has crazy eyes! “Ever since you left, literally you consumed my entire mind every day,” she says. Y I K E S. Either Frank is a zombie or this chick is cray-zee. Then she says “You need to come home.” Or I can make things very unpleasant for you! Frank has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali. WTF?? They’ve been on like 3 dates. Send her a fucking text and save ABC $5000, why don’t you?
Now we’re in Tahiti. Looks nice! Roberto feels that it’s the “mecca of tropical destinations.” I thought Mecca was the mecca of tropical destinations! I can hear Muslims writing in already. Oh wow, Roberto has a severe sweating problem. Nothing says romance like huge pit stains. Jesus Christ, another helicopter tour. The only people that spend more time in helicopters than Ali are helicopter pilots and people on M*A*S*H. That was a TV show, ask your parents. Heart-shaped island, picnic, frolic in surf blah blah blah. On to dinner, Roberto’s falling in love with her, off to the Fantasy Suite, you know the drill.
Time for Dead Mother’s date. He goes like 3 minutes without mentioning Mom! Man, this is boring. They swim around and then all of a sudden start killing oysters left and right looking for their Blood Pearls! Jesus Christ! There’s not going to be any oysters left for the Tahiti people! OK, dinner time. Maybe kill some more local fauna! There’s got to be an endangered bird or something you can strangle the life out of. They eat and then wade out to their mid-lagoon Fantasy Suite. Hey, if you were dating Dead Mother, wouldn’t you say at some point “Look, I really need to know what that thing on your face is before we get married in case it’s genetic or contagious.” Not Ali! She pretends not to notice. Over at the Fantasy Suite, DM says Mom is “definitely looking down and smiling.” CREEPY! What, does Mom like Ali’s rack?
OK, time for the Main Event, i.e. Trainwreck Frank. Like many of us, he turns to Chris Harrison for relationship advice. He takes about 30 minutes to say he’s back in love with Crazy Nicole. Chris Harrison is visibly bored. He tells Frank that Ali’s going to be in “emotional turmoil,” but he has to be “honest and straightforward” and tell her. Wow, thanks, Chris. As opposed to what? Not telling until after the engagement? Honest and straightforward has never worked for me, but I’m not Chris Harrison so I don’t know.
Here comes Ali! She says she’s going to take Frank sailing. Maybe on the U.S.S. Just Got Dumped! He tells her about Crazy Nicole. Ali can’t believe this. I can’t either, now that we got a look at Nicole. Homegirl needs a nose job BIG TIME. Everybody cries a lot. Ali “needs to deal with this somehow.” I find booze very effective in the dealing-with-this area. Ali deals with it by talking to Chris Harrison and crying a lot. Hope Roberto and DH don’t see this part! Ali says her best friend told her “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Wow, Ali’s BFF is Eleanor Roosevelt? Is she watching and smiling too? I see a shitload of dead people!
Rose ceremony! Can you feel the tension? There are 2 guys and only 2 spots left. Wait a minute. Ali explains that “Frank has things back home that he didn’t deal with.” What, is his cable bill late and now he can’t watch Spongebob? Could you get any vaguer, Ali? Roberto once again looks like he thinks in a Sweating Contest and it’s the final round. Will you accept this rose? And a squeegee?
Next week, we have our Shocking Conclusion or something.
We’re in Chicago. I mean, I just was in Chicago, but the show is now in Chicago. Oddly, on the show, no one is suffering from heat exhaustion or throwing up, so I’m not sure it’s the same Chicago I went to. Frank says he is going to “find” Nicole, and appears to be walking around randomly. This might take a while! Oh, wait, he found her corporate-looking studio apartment. Oh, duh, Frank wants to get back with her so he can move out of his parents’ house. Frank spends the first 10 minutes telling Nicole how awesome and wonderful Ali is and how much he’s into her. Not the strategy I would use to get back together with someone! “Hey, I met this other person who is way better than you and who I love very much. Now, what’s for dinner?”
Oh, wait, Nicole’s a little crazy! Look, she has crazy eyes! “Ever since you left, literally you consumed my entire mind every day,” she says. Y I K E S. Either Frank is a zombie or this chick is cray-zee. Then she says “You need to come home.” Or I can make things very unpleasant for you! Frank has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali. WTF?? They’ve been on like 3 dates. Send her a fucking text and save ABC $5000, why don’t you?
Now we’re in Tahiti. Looks nice! Roberto feels that it’s the “mecca of tropical destinations.” I thought Mecca was the mecca of tropical destinations! I can hear Muslims writing in already. Oh wow, Roberto has a severe sweating problem. Nothing says romance like huge pit stains. Jesus Christ, another helicopter tour. The only people that spend more time in helicopters than Ali are helicopter pilots and people on M*A*S*H. That was a TV show, ask your parents. Heart-shaped island, picnic, frolic in surf blah blah blah. On to dinner, Roberto’s falling in love with her, off to the Fantasy Suite, you know the drill.
Time for Dead Mother’s date. He goes like 3 minutes without mentioning Mom! Man, this is boring. They swim around and then all of a sudden start killing oysters left and right looking for their Blood Pearls! Jesus Christ! There’s not going to be any oysters left for the Tahiti people! OK, dinner time. Maybe kill some more local fauna! There’s got to be an endangered bird or something you can strangle the life out of. They eat and then wade out to their mid-lagoon Fantasy Suite. Hey, if you were dating Dead Mother, wouldn’t you say at some point “Look, I really need to know what that thing on your face is before we get married in case it’s genetic or contagious.” Not Ali! She pretends not to notice. Over at the Fantasy Suite, DM says Mom is “definitely looking down and smiling.” CREEPY! What, does Mom like Ali’s rack?
OK, time for the Main Event, i.e. Trainwreck Frank. Like many of us, he turns to Chris Harrison for relationship advice. He takes about 30 minutes to say he’s back in love with Crazy Nicole. Chris Harrison is visibly bored. He tells Frank that Ali’s going to be in “emotional turmoil,” but he has to be “honest and straightforward” and tell her. Wow, thanks, Chris. As opposed to what? Not telling until after the engagement? Honest and straightforward has never worked for me, but I’m not Chris Harrison so I don’t know.
Here comes Ali! She says she’s going to take Frank sailing. Maybe on the U.S.S. Just Got Dumped! He tells her about Crazy Nicole. Ali can’t believe this. I can’t either, now that we got a look at Nicole. Homegirl needs a nose job BIG TIME. Everybody cries a lot. Ali “needs to deal with this somehow.” I find booze very effective in the dealing-with-this area. Ali deals with it by talking to Chris Harrison and crying a lot. Hope Roberto and DH don’t see this part! Ali says her best friend told her “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Wow, Ali’s BFF is Eleanor Roosevelt? Is she watching and smiling too? I see a shitload of dead people!
Rose ceremony! Can you feel the tension? There are 2 guys and only 2 spots left. Wait a minute. Ali explains that “Frank has things back home that he didn’t deal with.” What, is his cable bill late and now he can’t watch Spongebob? Could you get any vaguer, Ali? Roberto once again looks like he thinks in a Sweating Contest and it’s the final round. Will you accept this rose? And a squeegee?
Next week, we have our Shocking Conclusion or something.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Bachelorette: The Plaintive Cry of Squirrel 34
It’s the Family Visit Episode! One of my faves every year, since it’s almost a mortal lock that at least one family will have a K-razy member who is guaranteed to shock and amuse! Awesome! We start out in Tampa, Roberto’s hometown. They go to his college and he puts on the Old Baseball Uni. Man, this is embarrassing. They throw the ball around and what have you. As it turns out, Roberto played some ball in Ali’s hometown! WHOA maybe they’re meant to be together! He’s gotta be the frontrunner now. If he could just learn to button a shirt all the way up, he’d be golden.
Time to meet the fam! They’re all named either Roberto or Olga, so that makes it easy. Holy shit, Mom Olga sounds like a mail-order Russian bride! No wonder Roberto described her as “submissive”! Olga’s all, “Please to be not sending me bek to ze mutherland, Meester Roberto!” Dad sits with Roberto alone and tells him, “You’re a big price.” No, that’s what Olga cost, Dad! Dad’s concerned about whether Ali will support Roberto. And cook borscht! Oh, wait, I was wrong, Mom’s not Russian. She looks about Roberto’s age, though. What strange sorcery is this? They put on some music and Mom & Dad so Salsa: The Dance of Dangerous Love. Then everybody joins in and pretends to have fun. The end.
Next we’re off to Cape Cod, where Dead Mother is on the beach with his black lab and his Thinsulate Men’s Warm-Up Jacket ($59.95) and anything else that might help this tableau resemble a shot from the LL Bean catalog. They stroll meaningfully down the beach and straight into outtakes from a Nicholas Sparks movie. Inside DM’s house, which has an odd salmon color to it, we have lots of conversations about Dead Mother’s dead mother. Dad says the family motto is “Love is the only reality.” Except for reality TV, I guess. Dad tells Ali he’s impressed she left her job to take care of her grandmother. I never heard about this! Does Ali ever actually show up to work, or just take an extended series of absences? “Whoops, sorry boss, gotta take another 6 months off to . . . umm, spay and neuter my pets!” Her boss at Facebook is all “Dislike!”
Dad says DM is ready to get married because he was “overwhelmed and crestfallen” when Mom died. That’s a good reason to get married! I should have gotten married when I was 11 and we lost the Little League championships! Then Dad asks DM what he would say to his Mom about Ali. He’d say he really likes her and also what does Jesus really look like? Then there’s some making out and a closeup of DM’s horrifying ringworm bruise, which isn’t getting any better.
NEXT!! Green Bay to visit Kirk. I shit you not, they got through this entire segment without mentioning the Packers. Maybe it’s Green Bay, Montana or something. Kirk’s parents apparently don’t speak to each other. I wish my parents got along that well! We meet Dad, Stepmom, Adopted Sister Nicka or Nika or Mika or something and HOLY SHIT DAD LOOKS LIKE A CHILD MOLESTER. He immediately wants to take Ali down to the basement to show her where it puts the lotion in the basket or something. Oh Christ, Dad stuffs animals for fun. He’s got a whole Gallery of Deadness down here. “I bring animals back to life,” he says. That must happen in a different room, because these ones are all dead as shit. We know Squirrel 34 isn’t getting any better!
Time to meet the fam! They’re all named either Roberto or Olga, so that makes it easy. Holy shit, Mom Olga sounds like a mail-order Russian bride! No wonder Roberto described her as “submissive”! Olga’s all, “Please to be not sending me bek to ze mutherland, Meester Roberto!” Dad sits with Roberto alone and tells him, “You’re a big price.” No, that’s what Olga cost, Dad! Dad’s concerned about whether Ali will support Roberto. And cook borscht! Oh, wait, I was wrong, Mom’s not Russian. She looks about Roberto’s age, though. What strange sorcery is this? They put on some music and Mom & Dad so Salsa: The Dance of Dangerous Love. Then everybody joins in and pretends to have fun. The end.
Next we’re off to Cape Cod, where Dead Mother is on the beach with his black lab and his Thinsulate Men’s Warm-Up Jacket ($59.95) and anything else that might help this tableau resemble a shot from the LL Bean catalog. They stroll meaningfully down the beach and straight into outtakes from a Nicholas Sparks movie. Inside DM’s house, which has an odd salmon color to it, we have lots of conversations about Dead Mother’s dead mother. Dad says the family motto is “Love is the only reality.” Except for reality TV, I guess. Dad tells Ali he’s impressed she left her job to take care of her grandmother. I never heard about this! Does Ali ever actually show up to work, or just take an extended series of absences? “Whoops, sorry boss, gotta take another 6 months off to . . . umm, spay and neuter my pets!” Her boss at Facebook is all “Dislike!”
Dad says DM is ready to get married because he was “overwhelmed and crestfallen” when Mom died. That’s a good reason to get married! I should have gotten married when I was 11 and we lost the Little League championships! Then Dad asks DM what he would say to his Mom about Ali. He’d say he really likes her and also what does Jesus really look like? Then there’s some making out and a closeup of DM’s horrifying ringworm bruise, which isn’t getting any better.
NEXT!! Green Bay to visit Kirk. I shit you not, they got through this entire segment without mentioning the Packers. Maybe it’s Green Bay, Montana or something. Kirk’s parents apparently don’t speak to each other. I wish my parents got along that well! We meet Dad, Stepmom, Adopted Sister Nicka or Nika or Mika or something and HOLY SHIT DAD LOOKS LIKE A CHILD MOLESTER. He immediately wants to take Ali down to the basement to show her where it puts the lotion in the basket or something. Oh Christ, Dad stuffs animals for fun. He’s got a whole Gallery of Deadness down here. “I bring animals back to life,” he says. That must happen in a different room, because these ones are all dead as shit. We know Squirrel 34 isn’t getting any better!
Dad tells Kirk “Oh, I’d love to have her around all the time.” Maybe above the fireplace! Dad advises Kirk to ask himself “Are you compatible? Is she going to be doing things with you? Does she have a nice pelt?” Kirk has Dad’s approval. And Squirrel 34’s.
Off to Mom’s. She’s going to have to gas & flay children to out-creepy Dad. Oh, whoa, that extensive dental grillwork’s a good start! She looks like that guy from The Spy Who Loved Me! They reminisce about Kirk’s Mold Sickness. Oh, those were the days.
Off to Mom’s. She’s going to have to gas & flay children to out-creepy Dad. Oh, whoa, that extensive dental grillwork’s a good start! She looks like that guy from The Spy Who Loved Me! They reminisce about Kirk’s Mold Sickness. Oh, those were the days.
TIME FOR FRANK!!! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!! Avoiding an aneurysm will be a major victory for Frank. What the fuck is he wearing, some kind of antique Turkish army uniform?
Frank is oddly subdued and Has Some Serious Questions About the Relationship. Fuck what a downer. He babbles along for a while and never really says anything. They go out to some rural area that is clearly not “Chicago,” contrary to the caption on the screen. Frank’s parents are oddly normal. What went wrong here? Frank’s Dad thinks Ali is great. How come none of the parents ever say “How the fuck could you consider marrying someone you’ve never seen without a camera crew behind you and never been alone with, not even once? Are you out of your motherfucking mind?” Frank lives with his parents, but disappointingly, we never get to see his room or his race car bed. VROOM VROOM!!!
Back to LA for the Rose Ceremony. First, let’s talk with Chris Harrison. WHOA, CHRIS, WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR BLINGED-OUT WATCH? Chris has like 150 carats on his wrist. What did you, appear in a 50 Cent video and keep the wardrobe? Anyway, Kirk gets the axe. No surprise there. You should have had Dad do his thing on her when you had the chance, Kirk! We’re down to 3 and Our Long National Nightmare is close to an end.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Bachelorette: We Don't Really Care About the Dog
It’s Monday night, so you know what that means! Soft crying and self-medication. Oh, and The Bachelorette. We’re in Lisbon! I can tell because Ali says something in a foreign language that has the word “Lisbon” in it. We first see the Final Five lined up in some public square. Unfortunately, they’re not being shot for treason. Oh, look, Frank is wearing Baby Gap! HOW CUTE. I love his little anchor tee.
Solo date with Roberto. They run around Lisbon taking pictures of each other until Roberto says “When I hear music, I’m sorry, I can’t help but dancing.” It’s his fiery Latin blood! Or whatever he is. He proves this to be true by dancing in the middle of the sidewalk and annoying Lisbonites. They get on Lisbon public transit, which is just like Muni except it’s empty, there aren’t any 14-year-olds tagging the interior, and it goes more than 1 mile an hour. They go to some castle and drink wine and make out. Ali says she “can’t figure him out”! Wow, the Jumble must be like Fermat’s Last Theorem for her.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys are talking about HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING ON CHRIS’S FACE?
It’s the worst case of ringworm in history or he slept on a hot plate or something. Maybe ABC can use some of the Ali’s Hair Budget that they haven’t touched to get him some medical care.
OK, 2 on 1 date with Ty and Franksta. Fuck, ANOTHER helicopter ride? I haven’t seen this many helicopter rides since “Apocalypse Now.” They go to some other castle and have the Most Uncomfortable Dinner Ever. Ty darkly warns Frank to “stay away from the spinach” which is pretty good advice because spinach is deadly poison. Frank and Ali go off alone and he confesses that he lives with his parents. That explains why he dresses like a 9-year-old! He says it’s brought his family closer together. Someday maybe you can live with them too, Ali! Oh, he’s wearing a thumb ring, ew. Frank is just sad.
Solo date with Kirk. They take a horsedrawn carriage ride to Clicheville. Ali’s hair now looks like the rotting strands of a dead bird’s nest. They have yet another romantic dinner on the roof. Blah blah blah no one says anything remotely interesting. Kirk says he deserves love and happiness. What he deserves is the graveyard shift at a 7-Eleven in Hoboken, but life isn’t always fair. They come upon a Witch from Hell singing some godawful music. She gonna put the Evil Eye on you, Ali! You gotta tip her!
Next we have a solo date with Dead Mother. They’re going for a scooter ride. This has a Difficulty Level of about 20 for DM. It’s a fucking bicycle with a motor, not a goddam F-18, DM! They stop at the Scenic Overlook to talk. He wants her to meet his family. Most of it, anyway! Then they talk about his dead mother, shock. Next they visit a winery where DM gifts her with something he calls a “Dennis bracelet.” I think that’s what he called it. It’s a piece of wire with a ball bearing stuck to it. That’s Old World craftsmanship! Ali’s very touched because she’s never had a piece of jewelry that only cost 45 cents to make. You gonna have a green wrist tomorrow, Ali!
On to the Elimination. She cuts Ty and his awful wardrobe. Ty is clearly not “31,” as he claims, BTW. She walks him to the limo in the pouring rain and stands there until her spray tan starts to melt.
Now we have the Jake and Vienna Couples Counseling Session! It’s so vile and awful that I’m not gonna say that much. Vienna, who is looking even more Fetal Alcohol Syndromey than ever, says Jake wasn’t there for her physically. Oh snap! He says she was cheating. That was Gay Todd over at my place, you jerk! Let’s get the polly-a-graph machine! In other news, Vienna is working on a line of hair care products for cancer kids. It’s called Invisible Shampoo and only angels can see it! Chris Harrison is speaking for all of us when he says, “OK, we don’t really care about the dog.” True, Chris Harrison, true.
Coming up next week: We continue limping towards the inevitably painful demise of this fucking train wreck.
Solo date with Roberto. They run around Lisbon taking pictures of each other until Roberto says “When I hear music, I’m sorry, I can’t help but dancing.” It’s his fiery Latin blood! Or whatever he is. He proves this to be true by dancing in the middle of the sidewalk and annoying Lisbonites. They get on Lisbon public transit, which is just like Muni except it’s empty, there aren’t any 14-year-olds tagging the interior, and it goes more than 1 mile an hour. They go to some castle and drink wine and make out. Ali says she “can’t figure him out”! Wow, the Jumble must be like Fermat’s Last Theorem for her.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys are talking about HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING ON CHRIS’S FACE?
It’s the worst case of ringworm in history or he slept on a hot plate or something. Maybe ABC can use some of the Ali’s Hair Budget that they haven’t touched to get him some medical care.
OK, 2 on 1 date with Ty and Franksta. Fuck, ANOTHER helicopter ride? I haven’t seen this many helicopter rides since “Apocalypse Now.” They go to some other castle and have the Most Uncomfortable Dinner Ever. Ty darkly warns Frank to “stay away from the spinach” which is pretty good advice because spinach is deadly poison. Frank and Ali go off alone and he confesses that he lives with his parents. That explains why he dresses like a 9-year-old! He says it’s brought his family closer together. Someday maybe you can live with them too, Ali! Oh, he’s wearing a thumb ring, ew. Frank is just sad.
Solo date with Kirk. They take a horsedrawn carriage ride to Clicheville. Ali’s hair now looks like the rotting strands of a dead bird’s nest. They have yet another romantic dinner on the roof. Blah blah blah no one says anything remotely interesting. Kirk says he deserves love and happiness. What he deserves is the graveyard shift at a 7-Eleven in Hoboken, but life isn’t always fair. They come upon a Witch from Hell singing some godawful music. She gonna put the Evil Eye on you, Ali! You gotta tip her!
Next we have a solo date with Dead Mother. They’re going for a scooter ride. This has a Difficulty Level of about 20 for DM. It’s a fucking bicycle with a motor, not a goddam F-18, DM! They stop at the Scenic Overlook to talk. He wants her to meet his family. Most of it, anyway! Then they talk about his dead mother, shock. Next they visit a winery where DM gifts her with something he calls a “Dennis bracelet.” I think that’s what he called it. It’s a piece of wire with a ball bearing stuck to it. That’s Old World craftsmanship! Ali’s very touched because she’s never had a piece of jewelry that only cost 45 cents to make. You gonna have a green wrist tomorrow, Ali!
On to the Elimination. She cuts Ty and his awful wardrobe. Ty is clearly not “31,” as he claims, BTW. She walks him to the limo in the pouring rain and stands there until her spray tan starts to melt.
Now we have the Jake and Vienna Couples Counseling Session! It’s so vile and awful that I’m not gonna say that much. Vienna, who is looking even more Fetal Alcohol Syndromey than ever, says Jake wasn’t there for her physically. Oh snap! He says she was cheating. That was Gay Todd over at my place, you jerk! Let’s get the polly-a-graph machine! In other news, Vienna is working on a line of hair care products for cancer kids. It’s called Invisible Shampoo and only angels can see it! Chris Harrison is speaking for all of us when he says, “OK, we don’t really care about the dog.” True, Chris Harrison, true.
Coming up next week: We continue limping towards the inevitably painful demise of this fucking train wreck.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Bachelorette: Istanbullshit
Hey look everybody, we’re in Istanbul! Ali didn’t realize that 2 million people lived here. Or that Turkey existed! We’re starting off with a bang this week. You know when Ali says “I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point” that SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY GOING WRONG. They should have spliced in the Dramatic Chipmunk right after she said that.
Chris Harrison comes by and says he’s got some bad news. Not everyone is Here for the Right Reasons! Here, talk to this chick “Jessie” on the phone. Jessie lives in Toronto and lounges around in a candlelit house. She has some bad news. The Entertainment Wrestler has a girlfriend! AND SHE’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! GET OUT, ALI!!! Oh, wait, she’s right here. Her name is Jessica. Don’t they have any other names in Canada? Anyway, Jessica is one of EW’s gfs. He’s got 2! Wow, who knew that Entertainment Wrestling was such a chick magnet? He’s not there to find True Love, but to enhance his entertainment wrestling career. Mission Accomplished, EW! Now you’ll always be known as that Tool Who Went on the Bachelorette!
Anyway, Ali calls a meeting and confronts EW. He promptly gets up and flees. Too bad Kasey’s not there to protect and guard her heart! Oh no, EW’s trapped on the hotel grounds! Quick, go through the fountain! Ali will lose your scent and won’t be able to track you! Then he comes back to offer some lame excuse. Then stalks off again. This time, into the hotel! EW is the Worst Stormer Offer in history! Anyway, good riddance. Back at the Douche Suite, everyone’s mad at EW. Except for Frank, who appears to be thoughtfully considering the situation. FORESHADOWING.
OK, back to business. Solo date with Ty. Nice choices with the silver-tipped cowboy boots and baby-head-sized gold medallion, Ty! Ali correctly identifies the Hagia Sophia. Disappointingly, she doesn’t yell “HAGIA SOPHIA!!!! WHOOOOO!!!” They go get in a 300-year-old hot tub. Ew. Look, Ty’s already got a nasty growth from the 300-year-old bacteria.
Now we’re at a lovely al fresco dinner. Girl, you gotta do something about those roots. ABC’s hair budget must be like a nickel. Ty’s talking about his divorce. It’s exactly as interesting as anyone talking about their divorce, which is to say it’s painfully boring. Oh look, there just happen to be some colorful street musicians here for some completely spontaneous dancing! That happens here in SF too, except the street musicians charge you $5 to look at them.
Now we have a Group Date. When you think Very Very Heterosexual Activities you’d like to do on a date with a Girl, what comes to mind? Oil Wrestling with a Large and Unibrowed Turkish Man? Then you’re gay. Oh, no, wait, you’re on the Bachelorette. Everyone gets good and greased up and gets a good old-fashioned Heterosexual Grappling from some Turks and then from one another. Fivehead wins. He says winning at All-Male Oil Wrestling is “better than winning a big kiss.” I see some holes in your game, Craig. He wins a Solo Dinner with Ali and spends most of the time talking about Oil Wrestling. I was getting a date-rapey vibe from him, but maybe only for guys. Man, is he ugly.
Solo Date with Frank next. He says “We’re in Turkey.” That’s good, Frank! Now, how many fingers am I holding up? Just one. They do some shopping at the Spice Bazaar where they get into all kinds of krazy hijinx and Frank buys a rug. Their life together will be one big slapstick comedy! Now it’s time for dinner in the underground sewer system or something. To get their food, they have to wade through some standing water and God knows what else. This is the oddest place for a date ABC has picked yet. Next week, we’ll set up a table in the janitor’s closet of a box factory!
We are now limping towards the end. In a vain attempt to create some kind of drama out of this week’s episode of the Watching Paint Dry Show, Ali decrees that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony!!! The guys all react like they just found out that Joey Bishop killed Kennedy or that Two and a Half Men has been cancelled. Anyway, Fivehead gets cut. No surprise there. Hopefully the producers gave him a Consolation Oil Wrestling Match.
Next Week: Some brightly-colored European tourist trap. Lisbon, maybe? I don’t know.
Chris Harrison comes by and says he’s got some bad news. Not everyone is Here for the Right Reasons! Here, talk to this chick “Jessie” on the phone. Jessie lives in Toronto and lounges around in a candlelit house. She has some bad news. The Entertainment Wrestler has a girlfriend! AND SHE’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!! GET OUT, ALI!!! Oh, wait, she’s right here. Her name is Jessica. Don’t they have any other names in Canada? Anyway, Jessica is one of EW’s gfs. He’s got 2! Wow, who knew that Entertainment Wrestling was such a chick magnet? He’s not there to find True Love, but to enhance his entertainment wrestling career. Mission Accomplished, EW! Now you’ll always be known as that Tool Who Went on the Bachelorette!
Anyway, Ali calls a meeting and confronts EW. He promptly gets up and flees. Too bad Kasey’s not there to protect and guard her heart! Oh no, EW’s trapped on the hotel grounds! Quick, go through the fountain! Ali will lose your scent and won’t be able to track you! Then he comes back to offer some lame excuse. Then stalks off again. This time, into the hotel! EW is the Worst Stormer Offer in history! Anyway, good riddance. Back at the Douche Suite, everyone’s mad at EW. Except for Frank, who appears to be thoughtfully considering the situation. FORESHADOWING.
OK, back to business. Solo date with Ty. Nice choices with the silver-tipped cowboy boots and baby-head-sized gold medallion, Ty! Ali correctly identifies the Hagia Sophia. Disappointingly, she doesn’t yell “HAGIA SOPHIA!!!! WHOOOOO!!!” They go get in a 300-year-old hot tub. Ew. Look, Ty’s already got a nasty growth from the 300-year-old bacteria.
Now we’re at a lovely al fresco dinner. Girl, you gotta do something about those roots. ABC’s hair budget must be like a nickel. Ty’s talking about his divorce. It’s exactly as interesting as anyone talking about their divorce, which is to say it’s painfully boring. Oh look, there just happen to be some colorful street musicians here for some completely spontaneous dancing! That happens here in SF too, except the street musicians charge you $5 to look at them.
Now we have a Group Date. When you think Very Very Heterosexual Activities you’d like to do on a date with a Girl, what comes to mind? Oil Wrestling with a Large and Unibrowed Turkish Man? Then you’re gay. Oh, no, wait, you’re on the Bachelorette. Everyone gets good and greased up and gets a good old-fashioned Heterosexual Grappling from some Turks and then from one another. Fivehead wins. He says winning at All-Male Oil Wrestling is “better than winning a big kiss.” I see some holes in your game, Craig. He wins a Solo Dinner with Ali and spends most of the time talking about Oil Wrestling. I was getting a date-rapey vibe from him, but maybe only for guys. Man, is he ugly.
Solo Date with Frank next. He says “We’re in Turkey.” That’s good, Frank! Now, how many fingers am I holding up? Just one. They do some shopping at the Spice Bazaar where they get into all kinds of krazy hijinx and Frank buys a rug. Their life together will be one big slapstick comedy! Now it’s time for dinner in the underground sewer system or something. To get their food, they have to wade through some standing water and God knows what else. This is the oddest place for a date ABC has picked yet. Next week, we’ll set up a table in the janitor’s closet of a box factory!
We are now limping towards the end. In a vain attempt to create some kind of drama out of this week’s episode of the Watching Paint Dry Show, Ali decrees that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony!!! The guys all react like they just found out that Joey Bishop killed Kennedy or that Two and a Half Men has been cancelled. Anyway, Fivehead gets cut. No surprise there. Hopefully the producers gave him a Consolation Oil Wrestling Match.
Next Week: Some brightly-colored European tourist trap. Lisbon, maybe? I don’t know.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Bachelorette: Iceland Is Cold, and I Don't Feel So Good Myself
Iceland used to be best known for Leif Erikson and Bjork, but these days it’s better-known for volcanism and financial collapse. That makes it perfect for our next stop! I don’t know why; I can’t finish this analogy. I’m still kind of sick. Before we go on, I got a shot of Kasey’s Protect and Guard Your Heart brand tattoo:
Ugh, what a fucking mess. It looks like some cabbage and a bad bruise.
After our oblig establishing shots of Iceland and Ali in a fur hat, it’s time for a challenge: the guys will write love poems to her, and are told to incorporate some Icelandic in them. God, they just find new ways to make this show more painful every week. Next week, maybe we’ll have slam poetry or acoustic Gloria Estefan covers. Anyway, the Entertainment Wrestler tries stopping random Icelanders in the street, which proves unsuccessful, unless the phrase he wants to use is “Get the fuck out of my face.” Ali appears and screams “ICELAAAAAAND!!,” of course. If we ever get somewhere and she doesn’t yell out the name of where we are I’m going to be pissed. The poems are just as miserable and depressing as you might imagine. Frank’s poem is about his ex! I thought chicks didn’t like that!?! Pls. advise ASAP. Kirk wins and gets a solo date.
Off they go traipsing through Reykjavik. Hey, what did ABC do with all the Icelanders? There’s like nobody on the streets. It looks like San Jose. They go clothes shopping. ABC needs to buy Ali some new hair, because they obviously went for the bargain extensions. They buy matching sweaters! That seems about right. Then it’s off to lunch, where Kirk will now tell us about his Secret and Disturbing History.
It seems that some five years ago, Kirk was a Star Athlete (8th best at the 1500, if you must know), when he moved into a Rented House of Horrors. He began developing odd symptoms like he couldn’t lift his arms up and the left side of his body was numb and he bled from the eyes and it sounds like a pretty normal Friday night to me but not even 40 doctors could find out what was wrong! Then a ghostly spirit appeared and told him to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Not, not really. What really happened was that the house was contaminated. Oh no, that’s an Asbes-don’t! It was full of mold and whatever and with some “alternative medicine” he finally got better. This story is SO BORING. Ali is struggling to stay awake. Ugh, Kirk is so full of mold now he’s like an old loaf of bread you forgot about at the back of the pantry. Oh no, Ali, don’t kiss that! Gross! Now you’ll get the Molds too. That was the least inspiring story of Overcoming Adversity I’ve ever heard.
Hey look, it’s a Group Date! We’re going horseback riding. Or something riding. What are those little things? They’re like dog-sized horses. Good thing Ty knows how to wrangle them! Oh, look, they’re being lowered into a pit in the Earth! I like where this is going! Where are the cement trucks?
Then we’re off to the Blue Lagoon, which is not a pedophilia-themed amusement park but a hot springs. It’s supposed to have healing properties. Maybe it can heal her hair. She makes out with some guys and tells Frank he’s not trying hard enough. I just think he ran out of meth on like Day 3.
Now we have a threesome date with The Entertainment Wrestler and Kasey the Frog Prince. They fly to the volcano that is (WARNING FORESHADOWING) going to fuck up Europe’s travel plans real bad and land and walk around and the EW says this “feels like a wrestling match.” I guess he’s going to pay Kasey $50 to hit him with a folding chair. Time for the big tattoo reveal! Ali says “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal.” WHOOPS!!! That’s not really his thing, Ali. He shows her the tattoo. She has the same face you get when someone with a knife is telling you that the CIA is following them. She cuts Kasey! There is some chick in Clovis right now who is going to get the shit protected and guarded out of her. EW and Ali get in the helicopter and leave Kasey on the glacier to die.
Getting close to the end now. Bear with me, but you should know this is more painful for me than it is for you. We have the usual Pre-Rose-Ceremony chats. There’s the Mystery Guy again! Seriously, does he just appear at the end of every episode! Wow, he’s got the personality of an ottoman. She asks him what his guilty pleasure is and he says “Mexican food.” That’s funny, my guilty pleasures are dry cleaning and FM radio!
Now Chris talks to her. Wow, Chris is going all psychiatrist on her! “You’re afraid to fall in love! What are you so afraid of?” Ali looks a little taken aback! I don’t feel so good myself! “Are you afraid they’ll betray you like your father did? Like every man in your life has???!!!?” She’s going to need some Cymbalta! I can tell from the ads. Too bad about the Yellow Eyes and Skin you get from taking it!
Mystery Man gets cut. No surprise there. Next week, Issinbull. At least that’s what Ali keeps calling it. We’ll find out together, I guess.
Ugh, what a fucking mess. It looks like some cabbage and a bad bruise.
After our oblig establishing shots of Iceland and Ali in a fur hat, it’s time for a challenge: the guys will write love poems to her, and are told to incorporate some Icelandic in them. God, they just find new ways to make this show more painful every week. Next week, maybe we’ll have slam poetry or acoustic Gloria Estefan covers. Anyway, the Entertainment Wrestler tries stopping random Icelanders in the street, which proves unsuccessful, unless the phrase he wants to use is “Get the fuck out of my face.” Ali appears and screams “ICELAAAAAAND!!,” of course. If we ever get somewhere and she doesn’t yell out the name of where we are I’m going to be pissed. The poems are just as miserable and depressing as you might imagine. Frank’s poem is about his ex! I thought chicks didn’t like that!?! Pls. advise ASAP. Kirk wins and gets a solo date.
Off they go traipsing through Reykjavik. Hey, what did ABC do with all the Icelanders? There’s like nobody on the streets. It looks like San Jose. They go clothes shopping. ABC needs to buy Ali some new hair, because they obviously went for the bargain extensions. They buy matching sweaters! That seems about right. Then it’s off to lunch, where Kirk will now tell us about his Secret and Disturbing History.
It seems that some five years ago, Kirk was a Star Athlete (8th best at the 1500, if you must know), when he moved into a Rented House of Horrors. He began developing odd symptoms like he couldn’t lift his arms up and the left side of his body was numb and he bled from the eyes and it sounds like a pretty normal Friday night to me but not even 40 doctors could find out what was wrong! Then a ghostly spirit appeared and told him to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Not, not really. What really happened was that the house was contaminated. Oh no, that’s an Asbes-don’t! It was full of mold and whatever and with some “alternative medicine” he finally got better. This story is SO BORING. Ali is struggling to stay awake. Ugh, Kirk is so full of mold now he’s like an old loaf of bread you forgot about at the back of the pantry. Oh no, Ali, don’t kiss that! Gross! Now you’ll get the Molds too. That was the least inspiring story of Overcoming Adversity I’ve ever heard.
Hey look, it’s a Group Date! We’re going horseback riding. Or something riding. What are those little things? They’re like dog-sized horses. Good thing Ty knows how to wrangle them! Oh, look, they’re being lowered into a pit in the Earth! I like where this is going! Where are the cement trucks?
Then we’re off to the Blue Lagoon, which is not a pedophilia-themed amusement park but a hot springs. It’s supposed to have healing properties. Maybe it can heal her hair. She makes out with some guys and tells Frank he’s not trying hard enough. I just think he ran out of meth on like Day 3.
Now we have a threesome date with The Entertainment Wrestler and Kasey the Frog Prince. They fly to the volcano that is (WARNING FORESHADOWING) going to fuck up Europe’s travel plans real bad and land and walk around and the EW says this “feels like a wrestling match.” I guess he’s going to pay Kasey $50 to hit him with a folding chair. Time for the big tattoo reveal! Ali says “The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal.” WHOOPS!!! That’s not really his thing, Ali. He shows her the tattoo. She has the same face you get when someone with a knife is telling you that the CIA is following them. She cuts Kasey! There is some chick in Clovis right now who is going to get the shit protected and guarded out of her. EW and Ali get in the helicopter and leave Kasey on the glacier to die.
Getting close to the end now. Bear with me, but you should know this is more painful for me than it is for you. We have the usual Pre-Rose-Ceremony chats. There’s the Mystery Guy again! Seriously, does he just appear at the end of every episode! Wow, he’s got the personality of an ottoman. She asks him what his guilty pleasure is and he says “Mexican food.” That’s funny, my guilty pleasures are dry cleaning and FM radio!
Now Chris talks to her. Wow, Chris is going all psychiatrist on her! “You’re afraid to fall in love! What are you so afraid of?” Ali looks a little taken aback! I don’t feel so good myself! “Are you afraid they’ll betray you like your father did? Like every man in your life has???!!!?” She’s going to need some Cymbalta! I can tell from the ads. Too bad about the Yellow Eyes and Skin you get from taking it!
Mystery Man gets cut. No surprise there. Next week, Issinbull. At least that’s what Ali keeps calling it. We’ll find out together, I guess.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The Bachelorette: Stop it, you're spilling your crazy all over this brand new dress
You think you know what “excruciating” means? Oh, you’ve had a date quote lines from “Austin Powers” or maybe you’ve even seen a Matt LeBlanc film. But, let me assure you, nothing, and I mean nothing, is as excruciating as Kasey-with-a-K singing his frog-voiced a capella ballads of longing and weird to a visibly disturbed Ali.
Let me back up. We have moved the action to NYC for no particular reason and we see Ali getting made over by a man in a purple shirt. Unfortunately, he doesn’t cut out her increasingly ratty-looking extensions. Then we finally get a solo date with Kasey! His voice doesn’t sound as weird! Maybe they’re coaching him or something. Luckily, he gets so fucking weird that the voice is a distant memory. They take a helicopter ride over the city and Ali shouts “New York!” because she has a habit of always shouting out her geographical location. “Whooooo!! SAFEWAY!!!!!” ANYWAY. Then we have a picnic and that’s when he starts singing! Oh no! It’s terrible! Why would you do something like that? His little song goes like this:
Protip to my homies out there: Unless you’re Rhett Miller, don’t ever, ever start singing to a girl on a date. Remember when that girl in high school said you have a “great voice?” What she meant was you have a “car.”
Anyway, then we move on to the American Museum of Natural History and, defying all the odds, it gets EVEN WEIRDER. They traipse around and blah blah blah and then have some wine and he says she’s “everything that he’s ever wanted because she makes him happy.” You try saying that to someone you’ve met twice and see what happens. FREAKSHOW. I hope you guys had a drinking game involving the phrase “protect and guard her heart,” because then you might be as drunk as I have to get to watch this. Then he sings again! Oh Jesus. I bet back in Clovis there’s a whole battalion of girls he can’t get within 100 feet of by court order.
Now we have a group date. We’re going to see the Lion King! Fuck, please kill me. Oh wait, we’re auditioning for a part! The Weatherman is thrilled because he’s a Gay Man. He says he’s never sung show tunes before but I bet you a hundred dollars that doesn’t count singing the Original Cast Recording of “Les Miz” in his Kia with the windows rolled up. But Roberto gets the part because he looked at Ali while he sang. Remember that if you ever want to be in a mediocre Broadway show! Anyway, they’re in the show and it’s a good way to fill 20 minutes and who gives a fuck anyway.
It’s still going. She was supposed to have a solo date with Dead Mother but she got “sick” and can’t. She invites him to her suite, though! Maybe he’ll make her feel better. Didn’t work on his Mom! Oh no, too soon? After some chicken soup and thorazine, she feels better and they go to yet another rooftop and see some guy named Joshua Radin playing guitar who requires the services of a multiculti choir in robes to back him up. Whatever.
Meanwhile, the Frog Prince is SLOWLY GOING INSANE. Finally, something interesting on this fucking piece of shit show. He goes and gets a really ugly tattoo with a shield and some bullshit and it has to do with Protecting and Guarding Her Heart and I’m starting to think he stole his catchphrase from Brink’s Home Security or a heartworm medicine for dogs. Anyway, that’s weird! Then there’s some manufactured drama that’s not even worth getting into. There are mutual fund ads more interesting than this.
Time to give out the roses. WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?
I thought you had to be on the show to get a rose. What did he, wander in from the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” set next door? And Fivehead gets one too! Oh, she cut the Weatherman. No surprise there. He gives off the scent of “desperate” like the rest of them give off Axe body spray. Kasey never gets to show her his Brand New Tattoo! Awkward! She also cuts Peculiar, so everyone left now is a total dickbag. You get what you deserve in life.
Let me back up. We have moved the action to NYC for no particular reason and we see Ali getting made over by a man in a purple shirt. Unfortunately, he doesn’t cut out her increasingly ratty-looking extensions. Then we finally get a solo date with Kasey! His voice doesn’t sound as weird! Maybe they’re coaching him or something. Luckily, he gets so fucking weird that the voice is a distant memory. They take a helicopter ride over the city and Ali shouts “New York!” because she has a habit of always shouting out her geographical location. “Whooooo!! SAFEWAY!!!!!” ANYWAY. Then we have a picnic and that’s when he starts singing! Oh no! It’s terrible! Why would you do something like that? His little song goes like this:
I thought alone through life I’d walk
But you’re the one I want to stalk
I’ll be yours truly ‘til the end
I just need your SSN
Protip to my homies out there: Unless you’re Rhett Miller, don’t ever, ever start singing to a girl on a date. Remember when that girl in high school said you have a “great voice?” What she meant was you have a “car.”
Anyway, then we move on to the American Museum of Natural History and, defying all the odds, it gets EVEN WEIRDER. They traipse around and blah blah blah and then have some wine and he says she’s “everything that he’s ever wanted because she makes him happy.” You try saying that to someone you’ve met twice and see what happens. FREAKSHOW. I hope you guys had a drinking game involving the phrase “protect and guard her heart,” because then you might be as drunk as I have to get to watch this. Then he sings again! Oh Jesus. I bet back in Clovis there’s a whole battalion of girls he can’t get within 100 feet of by court order.
Now we have a group date. We’re going to see the Lion King! Fuck, please kill me. Oh wait, we’re auditioning for a part! The Weatherman is thrilled because he’s a Gay Man. He says he’s never sung show tunes before but I bet you a hundred dollars that doesn’t count singing the Original Cast Recording of “Les Miz” in his Kia with the windows rolled up. But Roberto gets the part because he looked at Ali while he sang. Remember that if you ever want to be in a mediocre Broadway show! Anyway, they’re in the show and it’s a good way to fill 20 minutes and who gives a fuck anyway.
It’s still going. She was supposed to have a solo date with Dead Mother but she got “sick” and can’t. She invites him to her suite, though! Maybe he’ll make her feel better. Didn’t work on his Mom! Oh no, too soon? After some chicken soup and thorazine, she feels better and they go to yet another rooftop and see some guy named Joshua Radin playing guitar who requires the services of a multiculti choir in robes to back him up. Whatever.
Meanwhile, the Frog Prince is SLOWLY GOING INSANE. Finally, something interesting on this fucking piece of shit show. He goes and gets a really ugly tattoo with a shield and some bullshit and it has to do with Protecting and Guarding Her Heart and I’m starting to think he stole his catchphrase from Brink’s Home Security or a heartworm medicine for dogs. Anyway, that’s weird! Then there’s some manufactured drama that’s not even worth getting into. There are mutual fund ads more interesting than this.
Time to give out the roses. WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?
I thought you had to be on the show to get a rose. What did he, wander in from the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” set next door? And Fivehead gets one too! Oh, she cut the Weatherman. No surprise there. He gives off the scent of “desperate” like the rest of them give off Axe body spray. Kasey never gets to show her his Brand New Tattoo! Awkward! She also cuts Peculiar, so everyone left now is a total dickbag. You get what you deserve in life.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Bachelorette: Entertainment Wrestling is my bag
As we collectively trudge through Week 3, a pall has descended on the Douche Barracks, for it seems that one of their number is Not There for the Right Reasons. The Right Reasons are apparently to appear on TV, try to bang a chick you saw on another TV show, and hopefully get married after about 3 dates. The Wrong Reasons are to benefit your “entertainment wrestling” career. More on this later.
Our first Solo Date tonight is with Roberto, an affable insurance salesman from Charleston. They do exactly what I did on my first date with The Wife, which is to walk on a high wire between two buildings in Downtown L.A. Oh no, wait, our first date was shoplifting 3 cans of Sparks and trying hit pigeons with a slingshot. Same idea, though. After their circus act, they have an intimate dinner on top of a skyscraper. Roberto is dressed like a homeless person who found a suit in the dumpster behind Ross. Amazingly, Roberto can speak Spanish! Ali is awestruck at this development. Who on Earth speaks Spanish!?!?? Amazing. He speaks a “little French and Italian,” too! What are you, from Outer Space? Then they make out.
Time for a Group Date! They get the hint it's going to involve some kind of the Rock And Roll Music like the Kids Like. Deaf Voice Kasey is bummed he's not invited because he "would have loved to go and sing and show Ali my voice a little bit." Believe me, Kasey, the only person who wants to see your voice a little bit is a Demon from the Pits of Hell.
They arrive in some Industrial Wasteland part of L.A. and there’s the Barenaked Ladies! I guess they live under an overpass now. This is some kind of product placement aimed at the Barenaked Ladies’ target audience, which is nobody. They play a new song! Wow, it’s terrible. It’s like if you could put the Goo Goo Dolls in a mchine and make them even worse than they are now. The Barenaked Ladies would be well-advised not to quit their jobs at the car wash. Now look! Ali and the guys are shooting a porno! Oh, wait, it’s a “music video.” The production values aren’t as good as porn. When it comes time for the Weatherman’s scene, he cries because he’s scared to kiss a girl. He’s either Gay or should become Gay. I heard they don’t mind crying in Gay.
Now we’re at a Wrap Party for the video, which also takes place on top of a skyscraper in L.A. I guess they rented this roof and want to get all the use out of it they can. Dead Mother and Ali sit down and he finally comes clean about his dead mother. Oh, look, he’s got her signature tattooed on his chest! I need new words for “CREEPY,” because “CREEPY” alone doesn’t really capture how creepy it is. He also keeps her head in a box! It’s all dried up and shriveled. No, not really, but that’s the only thing that could be any creepier. Then everyone gets in the pool and they all watch the godawful music video. Oh, to have a hairdryer right at that second.
Then it’s daylight again and the Entertainment Wrestler, who has a broken foot from Kicking Ass, I guess, is crutching from Douche Barracks down to Ali’s house. That’s cheating! She’s staying in some faux-Architectual Digest flagstone nightmare. They look at his baby pictures and talk about his Broken Home. Nobody who had a normal childhood would ever be on this show is what I gather. Also, isn’t it weird that he’s described as an “entertainment wrestler”? That means “bachelorette party wrestler,” right?
Jesus, it’s still going on. I always forget it’s 2 hours. OK, solo date with Hunter, who looks vaguely simian. They go to Ali’s House and grill preformed hamburger patties. Another broken home! Ali looks alarmed when Hunter talks about his desire to stay home and not work. That’s what the girl’s supposed to do! What’s wrong with these guys? Wait, this is the first time anyone has appeared on this show not clutching some kind of booze. What gives? Maybe Hunter’s an AA. Anyway, there’s clearly no romantic connection here. They’d be good awkward coworkers, though. Hunter makes a frown with his monkey face and he gets sent home.
Now we see the Big Confrontation between all the guys who are clearly here for the Right Reaons and the Entertainment Wrestler, who’s apparently not. Strong words are exchanged. It’s boring as fuck and not worth talking about. Then some losers are kicked off, including the little guy with the bug eyes who I couldn’t believe was there in the first place. She keeps Wrestler Guy and the Weatherman, who almost starts crying again. How long is that Philly Lawyer with the Fivehead going to be around? He’s less attractive then, well, anybody you might find in the world. Stay tuned next week for more boring crap.
Our first Solo Date tonight is with Roberto, an affable insurance salesman from Charleston. They do exactly what I did on my first date with The Wife, which is to walk on a high wire between two buildings in Downtown L.A. Oh no, wait, our first date was shoplifting 3 cans of Sparks and trying hit pigeons with a slingshot. Same idea, though. After their circus act, they have an intimate dinner on top of a skyscraper. Roberto is dressed like a homeless person who found a suit in the dumpster behind Ross. Amazingly, Roberto can speak Spanish! Ali is awestruck at this development. Who on Earth speaks Spanish!?!?? Amazing. He speaks a “little French and Italian,” too! What are you, from Outer Space? Then they make out.
Time for a Group Date! They get the hint it's going to involve some kind of the Rock And Roll Music like the Kids Like. Deaf Voice Kasey is bummed he's not invited because he "would have loved to go and sing and show Ali my voice a little bit." Believe me, Kasey, the only person who wants to see your voice a little bit is a Demon from the Pits of Hell.
They arrive in some Industrial Wasteland part of L.A. and there’s the Barenaked Ladies! I guess they live under an overpass now. This is some kind of product placement aimed at the Barenaked Ladies’ target audience, which is nobody. They play a new song! Wow, it’s terrible. It’s like if you could put the Goo Goo Dolls in a mchine and make them even worse than they are now. The Barenaked Ladies would be well-advised not to quit their jobs at the car wash. Now look! Ali and the guys are shooting a porno! Oh, wait, it’s a “music video.” The production values aren’t as good as porn. When it comes time for the Weatherman’s scene, he cries because he’s scared to kiss a girl. He’s either Gay or should become Gay. I heard they don’t mind crying in Gay.
Now we’re at a Wrap Party for the video, which also takes place on top of a skyscraper in L.A. I guess they rented this roof and want to get all the use out of it they can. Dead Mother and Ali sit down and he finally comes clean about his dead mother. Oh, look, he’s got her signature tattooed on his chest! I need new words for “CREEPY,” because “CREEPY” alone doesn’t really capture how creepy it is. He also keeps her head in a box! It’s all dried up and shriveled. No, not really, but that’s the only thing that could be any creepier. Then everyone gets in the pool and they all watch the godawful music video. Oh, to have a hairdryer right at that second.
Then it’s daylight again and the Entertainment Wrestler, who has a broken foot from Kicking Ass, I guess, is crutching from Douche Barracks down to Ali’s house. That’s cheating! She’s staying in some faux-Architectual Digest flagstone nightmare. They look at his baby pictures and talk about his Broken Home. Nobody who had a normal childhood would ever be on this show is what I gather. Also, isn’t it weird that he’s described as an “entertainment wrestler”? That means “bachelorette party wrestler,” right?
Jesus, it’s still going on. I always forget it’s 2 hours. OK, solo date with Hunter, who looks vaguely simian. They go to Ali’s House and grill preformed hamburger patties. Another broken home! Ali looks alarmed when Hunter talks about his desire to stay home and not work. That’s what the girl’s supposed to do! What’s wrong with these guys? Wait, this is the first time anyone has appeared on this show not clutching some kind of booze. What gives? Maybe Hunter’s an AA. Anyway, there’s clearly no romantic connection here. They’d be good awkward coworkers, though. Hunter makes a frown with his monkey face and he gets sent home.
Now we see the Big Confrontation between all the guys who are clearly here for the Right Reaons and the Entertainment Wrestler, who’s apparently not. Strong words are exchanged. It’s boring as fuck and not worth talking about. Then some losers are kicked off, including the little guy with the bug eyes who I couldn’t believe was there in the first place. She keeps Wrestler Guy and the Weatherman, who almost starts crying again. How long is that Philly Lawyer with the Fivehead going to be around? He’s less attractive then, well, anybody you might find in the world. Stay tuned next week for more boring crap.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Bachelorette: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the douche blows
God, these people are loathsome. Why am I watching this? Oh, right, because it's on TV. Last night I tried watching it without drinking, which is basically like having an appendectomy without anesthesia. I guess that's how they used to do it but no thanks.
Speaking of loathsome people, meet Craig McKinnon. He's a volatile psychopath. Like, more than normal.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? He spent basically the whole show bullying the little weatherman guy (who has a "brown belt," he says, and I think he means in the martial arts sense). I don't know what they do in Canada, where this douchelord is from, but this kind of thing stops here around 7th grade. I'm surprised he didn't give the guy a swirly.
You know what? They should insert a criminally insane sociopath into every reality show. Can you imagine, like, John Wayne Gacy on the Real World? The kids would be all like, "John, have you seen Jayson lately? He hasn't been showing up for our volunteer work at the dolphin hospital." And John Wayne Gacy would be all, "Oh, I think he went to live on a farm in the country too, just like Brad and Taylor did." ANYWAY. Evil Craig McKinnon's gone before he has the chance to kill again, so good riddance.
So what else happened this week? OK, first we have a solo date with Frank. Frank obviously has suffered a closed-head injury and should be wearing a helmet like Natalie Portman in "Garden State" because he has the emotional response of a 5-year-old. When Frank finds out they're going for a ride in the car, he goes "WHOOOOOOO!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!" You have to spell out "P-A-R-K" around Frank so he doesn't have a seizure. Frank also obviously have a keen fear of overdressing, so he cannily avoided that evil by wearing what appears to be a souvenir t-shirt that he purchased for $6.99 at T's N Things in Bar Harbor. Oh no, the car breaks down! That's OK. Frank jumps out and goes "WHOOOO!!!! CAR BROKE DOWN YAY!!!!" They go to the Hollywood sign and get some heroin and bliss out or something, I don't know. Then they make out.
Next we have a Group Date with 11 douchebags and the Weatherman. They all go the beach at Malibu. We know it's Malibu because Ali goes "WOOOO!!!! MALIBUUUUU!!!" Maybe whatever Frank has is contagious. Then all the douchebags put on bathing suits and they pose for a Sex Offender Calendar that will be distributed to anyone within 2500 feet of wherever they live. Later, over tiny glasses of iced tea at some place called "h. wood ," KASEY SPEAKS AGAIN. He sounds like Fozzie Bear tonight! WACKA WACKA.
This thing is 2 fucking hours long every week? FUCK. OK, another solo date, this time with Jesse, who's from Peculiar, MO, which is a real place and not an ABC miniseries. Hey, let's all move to Peculiar! We'll buy this 4-bedroom house on 5 acres for $150,000 and start our own Utopia/Rave Cult. If everyone in Peculiar is as SMRT as Jesse, we'll be able to buy the whole town with some shiny beads. ABC flies Ali and Jesse to Vegas in a private plane, where he has an oyster for the first time. It's a good thing they don't let Jesse gamble or he'd lose all his money playing War.
Time to give out the roses. Blah blah blah WHOA WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?
Seriously, was there a lawnmower accident or something they didn't show? Jesus Christ, maybe everybody needs helmets. Whoever the fuck this Human Punching Bag is, he didn't make it. Just as well. Broseph needs immediate medical attention, not a Fantasy Date.
Speaking of loathsome people, meet Craig McKinnon. He's a volatile psychopath. Like, more than normal.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? He spent basically the whole show bullying the little weatherman guy (who has a "brown belt," he says, and I think he means in the martial arts sense). I don't know what they do in Canada, where this douchelord is from, but this kind of thing stops here around 7th grade. I'm surprised he didn't give the guy a swirly.
You know what? They should insert a criminally insane sociopath into every reality show. Can you imagine, like, John Wayne Gacy on the Real World? The kids would be all like, "John, have you seen Jayson lately? He hasn't been showing up for our volunteer work at the dolphin hospital." And John Wayne Gacy would be all, "Oh, I think he went to live on a farm in the country too, just like Brad and Taylor did." ANYWAY. Evil Craig McKinnon's gone before he has the chance to kill again, so good riddance.
So what else happened this week? OK, first we have a solo date with Frank. Frank obviously has suffered a closed-head injury and should be wearing a helmet like Natalie Portman in "Garden State" because he has the emotional response of a 5-year-old. When Frank finds out they're going for a ride in the car, he goes "WHOOOOOOO!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!" You have to spell out "P-A-R-K" around Frank so he doesn't have a seizure. Frank also obviously have a keen fear of overdressing, so he cannily avoided that evil by wearing what appears to be a souvenir t-shirt that he purchased for $6.99 at T's N Things in Bar Harbor. Oh no, the car breaks down! That's OK. Frank jumps out and goes "WHOOOO!!!! CAR BROKE DOWN YAY!!!!" They go to the Hollywood sign and get some heroin and bliss out or something, I don't know. Then they make out.
Next we have a Group Date with 11 douchebags and the Weatherman. They all go the beach at Malibu. We know it's Malibu because Ali goes "WOOOO!!!! MALIBUUUUU!!!" Maybe whatever Frank has is contagious. Then all the douchebags put on bathing suits and they pose for a Sex Offender Calendar that will be distributed to anyone within 2500 feet of wherever they live. Later, over tiny glasses of iced tea at some place called "h. wood ," KASEY SPEAKS AGAIN. He sounds like Fozzie Bear tonight! WACKA WACKA.
This thing is 2 fucking hours long every week? FUCK. OK, another solo date, this time with Jesse, who's from Peculiar, MO, which is a real place and not an ABC miniseries. Hey, let's all move to Peculiar! We'll buy this 4-bedroom house on 5 acres for $150,000 and start our own Utopia/Rave Cult. If everyone in Peculiar is as SMRT as Jesse, we'll be able to buy the whole town with some shiny beads. ABC flies Ali and Jesse to Vegas in a private plane, where he has an oyster for the first time. It's a good thing they don't let Jesse gamble or he'd lose all his money playing War.
Time to give out the roses. Blah blah blah WHOA WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?
Seriously, was there a lawnmower accident or something they didn't show? Jesus Christ, maybe everybody needs helmets. Whoever the fuck this Human Punching Bag is, he didn't make it. Just as well. Broseph needs immediate medical attention, not a Fantasy Date.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Bachelorette: Froggy Went a-Courtin'
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