My favorite tweets of 2015

Yes, it's back, for the third consecutive and fourth nonconsecutive time, TK's 2015 Tweets of the Year.  Everybody was very funny this year.  Good job, good effort.

[at club] DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE "WHAT?" [does stabbing and offering motion] A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

— YUNG SPIDER GOD (@buttgh0st) January 16, 2015

pic.twitter.com/iLQIEJAdj4

— Ramona (@ramonarae) January 20, 2015

I love that this whole thing is now thousands of people watching a live stream of a guy walk his llama down the street.

— BFF.fm (@BFFdotFM) February 26, 2015

Remember the llamas? I do, like it was yesterday, man. That was good times.

[séance] PSYCHIC: Your father's spirit is with us now GUY: "Dad!!! I'm so happy!!!" (ethereal voice) H I S O H A P P Y , I ' M D A D

— jackson (@tricycle_champ) March 5, 2015

SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates

— leon (@leyawn) April 8, 2015

*someone starts having a heart attack* person: is anyone here a doctor?? vegan: im a vegan

— george w kush (@yungshoelace) April 20, 2015

remember when sf was known as a mecca of music and art well that was fun but now we make soylent and shit here’s a lanyard for some reason

— j. w. friedman (@satellitehigh) April 23, 2015

I think "here's a lanyard for some reason" is the killer. It's almost poignant.

how many babies did you send to space, bush. you fucker. how many babies are still up there pic.twitter.com/sdr80EuOQl

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) April 27, 2015

Live around here? No, my kid goes to school here. Oh. (grimace) I'm looking for a nice liquor sto TWO BLOCKS DOWN ON THE LEFT

— miche (@michesf) May 15, 2015

pic.twitter.com/wea59X0CTk

— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) May 26, 2015

MAKES U THINK

yesterday when i was riding my bike to work, i saw a woman with a bumpersticker on her car that said I ❤️ MAKEUP and it’s still bugging me.

— jenny_klug (@jenny_klug) June 5, 2015

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me* Um I just came out of a fire so I'm pretty hot actually

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 7, 2015

I thought this was the Pope's playlist: https://t.co/cvVCAA49AL

— Laura Dolan (@verity6) June 17, 2015

I did too! At least, at first.

pic.twitter.com/B4O5P10M10

— Frances Lefkowitz (@YesFrances) July 14, 2015

How does this only have 29 likes? Maybe it was passed around on another account and got 7 million likes? It should have 7 million likes.

It's a real comment I'm cry pic.twitter.com/BmBs8VUFDn

— Cathy (@catherinebouris) August 5, 2015

I actually went and found the real comment. It's real, or at least appears to be. Amazing.

can this kid be our new president https://t.co/2Jp8e5RDTg

— Lana Berry (@Lana) August 22, 2015

Googling "Can you keep a [weird, possibly dangerous animal that should never be kept as a pet] as a pet?" takes up about half my day.

— Je$sica Benner (@jessicabenner) September 4, 2015

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

— brent (@murrman5) September 15, 2015

I LOL every time I think about this tweet, to this day.

"Too soon" -this lady about Pompeii pic.twitter.com/V3TcskR2ng

— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) October 2, 2015

Reading peta's @ replies is my new favorite activity pic.twitter.com/Pfe4FxhQFv

— lindsey (@Lindzeta) October 20, 2015

Benghazi hearings reaching the point where they usually let a position player pitch

— Desus Nice (@desusnice) October 23, 2015

My life has been considerably better since discovering @desusnice's Twitter.

@BenedictEvans that's not what I said

— mat! (@mat) December 22, 2015

What the kids call "pwned."

And just in under the wire, one late but worthy entry:

It's now 2016 here in Hong Kong and not to spoil the future for you, but a portal just opened and OH GOD GIANT ALIEN SPIDERS ARE EVERYWH

— Miss O'Kistic (@missokistic) December 31, 2015

Happy New Year, everyone!

My favorite tweets of 2014

Once is an incident; twice is a trend. Three times is a tradition.  Welcome to TK's Top Tweets of 2014.

2014 could've been better... pic.twitter.com/fOxJAFwDtg
— Will Menaker (@willmenaker) December 26, 2014

It's hard to say any year totally sucked when you have a kid because they light up your life and give you hope to carry on etc but 2014 was kind of a garbage year. Between everyone in our family dying including the fucking DOG and the world pretty much going to shit what with the police brutality and the Isis and what have you I'm not sad to see it go.

It's mind boggling that we trained a seal to kill Osama Bin Laden.
— Bert (@BertCarrillo) December 1, 2014

Nevertheless there were good parts and these tweets are part of the good parts.

Ma'am I'm doing everything I can pic.twitter.com/7xy0g9FWKg
— White V Black Twitta (@WhiteVsBlackTwt) November 18, 2014

"You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014

"Did we do good, Barry?" Real good Joe "Tell me bout congress Barry" Democrats far as the eye can see [Obama raises gun behind Biden's head]
— acetaminofun (@crylenol) November 5, 2014

Harold Reynolds doing World Series analysis... pic.twitter.com/1fk2SE8hOo
— Daren Willman (@darenw) October 27, 2014

JESUS: now, I'll turn water into wine GUY: misdirection. the wine's up his sleeve JESUS: don't—Luke, don't write that. this doesn't go in
— acetaminofun (@crylenol) October 3, 2014

TOGETHER WE CANT EVEN
— Dan Jackson (@DanJackson415) September 26, 2014

I actually went to look up what was happening with the Giants on Sept. 25 that made Dan tweet this, which perfectly summarized a season that was beyond frustrating right up until they won the fucking World Series. The Giants were playing the Padres and were up 6-0, then gave up 8 runs in the 6th and 7th innings. My forensic analysis of the timestamp on this tweet leads me to believe that's when Dan sent this out. As it happens, the Giants then came back, scored 3 runs in the bottom of the 7th, and clinched a playoff spot. Unbelievable.

Opening a new cocktail bar with @cdouble2073 called "the motherfuckin hood tho" serving only $14 drinks and lite bar fare. White folks only
— Richie Nakano (@linecook) August 22, 2014

who the fuck sac bunts in the little league world series SMH
— Lindsey Adler (@Lahlahlindsey) August 15, 2014

i'm beginning to regret my subscription to The Ominous Times pic.twitter.com/IHQ9JIaV9Q
— MarkusJ (@MarkusJ) August 7, 2014

How the hell we supposed to trust Atlanta to keep ebola quarantined when Gucci Mane released 8 mixtapes from jail?
— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) August 1, 2014

*Jaden Smith in school *raises hand Teacher: yes? Jaden: How Can Mirrors Be Real If- Teacher: Jaden I swear 2 god I will get u expelled
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@YungOutline) June 16, 2014

REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album? OBAMA: What kind of question is -- [biden grabs podium] BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
— blupman (@blippoblappo) April 26, 2014

Every eHarmony ad looks like they do a good job of matching up 6's.
— Saucy Peeps (@saucypeeps) March 11, 2014

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 4, 2014

Philz is playing Sugar Ray, which is having the same effect on customers as filling the place with bear spray.
— Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) February 28, 2014

@linecook Ramen is a flat circle, if you look from the top. We are all eating noodles in eternity forever. Yellow King add-on $4.
— Andrew Dalton (@dolftown) February 20, 2014

THE YEAR IS 2016. FACEBOOK DOWN FOR TWO YEARS NOW. AMERICA'S NEW MOMS ROAM THE STREETS. IS MY BABY PRETTY? THEY SAY. PLEASE LIKE MY BABY.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) August 1, 2014

This is the worst analysis of anything ever written in history http://t.co/XrZ1KamPcV pic.twitter.com/WYUJ1hB5qh
— Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew) August 23, 2014

If there was any better summary of San Francisco in 2014 than a techie's Mom writing to tell seniors and the disabled to get the fuck out of the way of her son's road to wealth, I can't imagine what it was.

Time to go, 2014. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

My favorite tweets of 2013

I meant to do this annually, but I did it once in 2010 and forgot.  Anyway, I feel like it's been a while and I need to post something and I don't really have anything substantive to say.

(You don't want to hear about recycling poachers any more, but let me just say that my next-door neighbor has invented a new way to make recycling poaching even more annoying.  Last night he waited until the RP was outside on the sidewalk and then rained down empty cans from his second-story window, like a medieval townsman emptying a chamber pot, except instead of shit it was empty aluminum cans that pinged off the sidewalk like TINK! TINK! TINK! while the RP scrabbled around scooping them all up.  Unbelievable.)

Without further ado.

Mondays, amirite? pic.twitter.com/zw2HAYR64Z

— Lindsey (@Lahlahlindsey) March 11, 2013

The look on the dog's face.

my Boston PD source says an arrest has been made and also he's not the fucking rat YOU'RE the fucking rat you lace-curtain motherfucker
— alex pareene (@pareene) April 17, 2013

Shazam, but for feelings.
— Kate Horton (@ladymisskate) May 4, 2013

Girl, are you a hotel swimming pool, because you sure are shallow and seem to have a chemical imbalance.
— clowntraps (@clowntraps) May 13, 2013

Well, I'm sure a Florida lottery winner will act responsi- (AIRSHIP MADE OF OLD FORD MUSTANGS AND ILLEGAL PETS EMERGES FROM THE CLOUDS)

— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) May 19, 2013

That's one of my favorite tweets of all time, actually.

"She called her sister & they talked about what they ate & how guilty they felt about eating it." - NSA listening to my phone conversations

— Sonia Mansfield (@TheSoniaShow) June 7, 2013

@brittneyg oh sorry about that

— Richie Nakano (@linecook) June 23, 2013

Oh a start up?????!!!!!!! Sounds cool tell me mKILL YOURSELF

— Дашка (@dashkanekrasova) July 10, 2013

Topical!

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) July 19, 2013

I'm a big fan of the "Girl are you" and the "Girl you can call me" tweetforms.

*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013

I just found this one a couple of days ago, even though it's from July, and have been laughing about it ever since.

Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, I imagine what they'd look like as a chair. I've been tested for autism twice.

— Molly McAleer (@molls) July 26, 2013

Hi I'm 2 Chainz, as you all know, I love big booty hoes. But there's nothing "big booty" about childhood diabetes

— Larry Bird (@stonerfish420) August 8, 2013

Realest dude alive is the guy dressed as a croissant at the Yeezus show.

— Otto Von Biz Markie (@Passionweiss) October 27, 2013

The Wife and I both laugh every time someone mentions this tweet, which is a lot in our house.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

— 5318008 (@primawesome) December 4, 2013

Strong contender for best tweet of the year.
See you next year! I promise to work harder on the content side.

(Some of) My personal favorite Twitter posts of the year

I guess I could say "my favorite tweets" but GOD HELP ME I fucking LOATHE the term "tweets." Just saying the word "tweets" cheapens us all.

ANYWAY, in lieu of some bullshit Year in Review crap or something like that, here are some of the Twitter posts I "favorited" (ugh, another awful construction; maybe Twitter is the Nail in the Coffin for the English language) and thought were funny and/or something.



Kate is a must-follow.



Jessica is Internet famous but still talks to me.



The inimitable Molls, with a dieting query.



Molls is pretty much gold 100% of the time.



Renée.





More Renée.





That's a good point.



One more Molls.





I know what you mean.

I could also repost about 15 of Kanye's tweets here, but you've seen them all before. (For the record, cherub imagery and water bottle are my 2 faves.)

Keep up the good work, everyone!

More fun with Top Tweets

No offense, Rev, but God sounds like kind of a passive-aggressive jerk.

"Hey, whaddya got there, God?"

"Oh, nothing. Just something I'm planning on giving you."

"Really?! Oh, cool! That's nice, thanks!"

"Sure, no problem."

"So......"

"So what?"

"So are you going to give it to me?"

"You have to ask."

"What?"

"You have to ask for it or I won't give it to you."

"What the fuck? You want me to ask for something that you already planned to give to me? Why? Actually, you know what? Fuck it. If that's how you're going to be, just keep it."

It was probably a divorce or typhoid fever anyway.



Ugh. Tony Robbins fucking bugs, doesn't he? You know what's impossible, Tony? Living the rest of my life without working and without having to peddle self-help bullshit to gullible middle managers via a headset mic and a PowerPoint presentation. So how can I do that? Push out of the "comforble"? Take some massive action? Specifics, man. I need specifics.

The amazing thing is that a ton of people retweeted this and favorited it and whatnot (and, God help me, it pains me to use the term "retweeted" but I guess that ship has sailed) and it doesn't mean anything at all. I mean, I guess it's saying that you can make impossible things happen if you get out of your comfort zone and take "massive action," but that's total bullshit. If your house is being foreclosed on and you can't find a job and your unemployment benefits just ran out (oh, BTW, make sure to Thank a Republican Congressman for that), the only "massive action" that's going to fix shit up at that point is knocking over a 7-Eleven. DON'T DO THAT. But you get my point.

How did "The Secret" work out for you, after all? Get everything you wanted?

Finally, I'm going to address Top Tweets. Well, one in particular.

I kinda feel bad about making fun of the Top Tweets. It's like shooting fish in a barrel and I like to think I have standards. If you read the TTs, you know what I mean. They're a mashup of the most mindless, trite, inane platitudes, Bieber news, bad jokes, stupid quotes, and endlessly repeated memes about how Facebook is for the people you went to high school with and Twitter is for the people you wish you went to high school with and BLAH BLAH BLAH IT'S SO STUPID MY BRAIN JUST FUCKING EXPLODED.

So I resisted writing about it. But I can't take it any more. Here's the one that pushed me over the edge:


This is one of the "Top Tweets" in America right now.

OK, let's unpack this a little. Kirk Franklin is a gospel singer, Christian rapper, and sometime porn addict. Many of the most inane Top Tweets are vaguely religiously-themed, so that makes sense. But this one is just too much.

Let's start at the beginning. Kirk opens his thought with "Late lunch on your boy." WTF? I thought this might be some slang I'm not hip to so I looked up "late lunch" on Urbandictionary.com and the only definition is "When a guy walks past you while you're making a sandwich in the late afternoon and asks, 'Late lunch?', then walks into the toilet and proceeds to take a very loud dump." That doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't seem to have anything to do with this Tweet.

TELL ME, KIRK FRANKLIN, WHAT DOES "LATE LUNCH ON YOUR BOY" MEAN?

Moving on. "You will NEVER out sin-God's grace." I think he meant "out-sin God's grace," unless there's a new God in town and his name is "Sin-God," which would kind of fucking rock. ANYWAY. I guess that means that no matter what kind of depraved, vile, digusting thing you do, God will always forgive. Good news if you're Kirk Franklin! Oh, sorry, Kirk Franklin. That was a low blow.

But seriously, that's gotta be the killer app of Christianity. Fuck up however you want! There are no consequences! God will forgive you for ANYTHING! I think I'd prefer it if God held a grudge sometimes. Might cut down on the general douchebaggery afflicting the world.

"the mistake you made, He saw it before you did it." LITTLE HELP NEXT TIME, GOD. You could say, "WHOA, MR. .23 BLOOD ALCOHOL, TRY TAKING A CAB INSTEAD OF DRIVING" or "DON'T STEP ON THAT LAND MINE!" or "DON'T CRUCIFY THAT GUY, IT WILL CAUSE PERSECUTION FOR MILLENIA." I'm not asking for much here, God.

I have to stop reading these things.