The Bachelorette: Second place is the first place of losers. I mean, I love you, let's get married.

You know when you want a Snickers and you go to the vending machine by Sales and they're out of Snickers and so you have to get a Clark bar instead and you're like "Ugh, I didn't even know they still made Clark bars, what, has this been in that machine since 1978?"  Well that's pretty much what happened to Des at the end of Our Journey.  We begin, as we must, with the Bachelor/ette gazing out onto a body of water, followed by the oblig Chris Harrison interview where he asks her if she could see herself with one of the two losers she has left and she cries and cries.  Maybe not so much, but we have 2 hours to kill so you better just get yourself in the mood, sweetie.  YOU ARE FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED SO GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR.

Here come Drew and Chris for, what, a Rose Ceremony or something?  What the fuck?  Isn't that supposed to be at the end? Fine by me, kick them all off and let's go home.  Oh wait, here's D to catch them up.  "You may have noticed Brooks isn't here."  Well, yes, D, we did.  "He has devastated my life.  I have lost the capacity to love.  My days stretch out before me in an endless chain now, each one a hurdle standing between me and the sweet relief of death.  But you guys are totally still in this thing!"

Back to the studio audience, let's find out what America thinks!  Or at least white women between 25 and 45!  One chick thinks Brooks is totes coming back.  Another heavy-browed young lady in some sort of tablecloth dress thinks otherwise.  Someone's mom thinks Brooks "got scared" and shouldn't have taken advice from two women.  GENDER TRAITOR.

OK, back in Antigua, D is gonna give this thing a shot.  WTF is she wearing, some kind of Egyptian breastplate belly shirt.  She's doing the slutty Hatshepsut.  Here comes Drew for some horseback riding.  Confusingly, his horse is named Judy which is a great name for a bridge-playing Mom from the 70's but not so much a horse.  Sadly, this date is about as romantic as endoscopy.  Drew wants to toast to "being madly in love which is followed by D saying she "needs to talk" and that's usually not such a good sign.  She's been reflecting and you should reflect on this, Abercromobie: you are burnt fucking toast.  D blubbers a lot and Drew rides Judy into an uncertain sunset.  "Now I have to think about a life without her."  You've got until about lunchtime, sport.  Chin up.

Next up is Fucking Poetry Guy, who makes it past the first 5 minutes so he's already ahead of the game.  They get on a boat blah blah blah.  Hey, did you know making out is called "shifting" in Ireland?  No idea why.  Shifting.

Then we're at the Night Portion which is terminally boring and he gives her a journal that - wait for it - is ALREADY FILLED WITH HIS AWFUL AWFUL POETRY like, dude, (1) the person you GIVE the journal to is supposed to write in it, not you, you doofus, and (2) this is like the worst vanity press project ever.  Anyway she wants him to meet her family and he's sweating like a pig and now we're back in the studio and Chris Harrison hauls out the same former contestants we've been seeing all season like don't you have jobs or literally anything better to do than to keep coming on this show? Lesley from DC looks like she's on the tail end of a 6-month bender and has been hitting up Courtney Love's Goodwill donation box for clothes.

Thankfully we are soon out of the studio and back to Antigua where D is gazing into middle distance and now it's time for Chris to meet the fam!  Helpfully, D's bro comes pre-loaded with Jail Clothes so he doesn't have to change on his way back that night.

Dad jumps right in with "Why should Desiree choose you?"  Because I'm the only fucking one left, homeslice!  It's either me or the Craft Services guy at this point!  They have a little sit-down and Chris is babbling like an Adderall-crazed 5-year-old.  "I know I like her man and could I have her hand in marriage and I'll say do you want to marry me and we'll totally get married and then we'll be married and JESUS CHRIST ISN'T THIS THE MOST EXCITING FUCKING THING EVER."

OK we're stumbling towards our conclusion.  Des is perched on a hillside as the limo approaches and out pops Chris and fuck, you could at least shave for this.  He grimly assures us he couldn't be more happy.  He starts in with her about "all the happiness I see in your eyes when I read you poetry" and that's not happiness, dude, that's gag reflex.  Anyway, she tries to head fake him with some BS about "having to be honest" but we all know what's coming.  Whoa, then he hits her up with a bunch of questions!  "Do you want to share your experiences with me?  Do you want to have kids?"  Can we buy a turtle?  Should we get DishTV or cable? Can we get Fiestaware?  What about a Ford Fusion?  She agrees to marry him and then says either "I made a promise to tell you everything" or "I made a promise to call you every day," which is a little creepy.  Oh, and she says - NOT MADE UP - "It joys me to say this," which is the kind of syntax I guess you get when you homeschool in a park.

That's it.  We're done here.  The next bachelor is Juan Pablo, which guarantees lots of flamenco-sounding music and also Juan Pablo getting a green card the old-fashioned way.  Hasta la vista.

The Bachelorette: There is an empty can of mousse in my heart now

The Final 3 this year is in Antigua. We will begin with a painfully long recap clip package.  It's eerie foreshadowing, because this whole show is going to be painful and long, but hey, it's 20 minutes to get some drinks/Xanax/uncut heroin into you.

First up is Drew.  Poor Drew has zero chance, but God bless him, he keeps trying.  Our Journey today takes us from "Betty's Hope" to "Shirley Heights" and is everything in Antigua named after a truck stop waitress?  Oh, look, here in Shirley Heights the producers have staged a "party" for them with a couple of locals listlessly dancing to canned steel drum music and drinking whatever cheap booze ABC ponied up for. Not even dollar rum can hide the sadness in their eyes.  D & D wander away from this depressing gathering and Drew hopes to find a "secret garden" which is what a lot of straight guys are interested in because Drew is very straight.  He is a heterosexual man.  "I just want to fall more and more in love with her," he says.  That's what Exodus recommends!  Keep at it, Drew.

Outdoor dinner gets rained out but Des "could have dinner anywhere."  All she needs is a dumpster and a piece of plastic sheeting!  Because she's poor.  That was a poors joke.  Anyway, straight to the Fantasy Suite!  Des settles in for some Girl Talk about how her ex couldn't communicate or tell her he loves her and she needs someone who can communicate.  "I know it, girl," Drew says, turning on Real Housewives.  "Men are THE WORST."

Wait, we're in Idaho?  What happened?  Oh, I guess Brooks has to clear things with the Sister Wives before he makes it official.  Who are these people?  Brooks has some kind of backup family we didn't meet on the hometowns.  I think the gist of the whole thing is that Backup Family doesn't think he should propose if he has doubts.  Hm, sensible enough, but hardly a ticket to Z-list celeb status.  Anyway, there's a lot  more feeling feeling feelings talk but I kind of tuned it out because I'm an emotional husk and it makes me uncomfortable.  Ask your father.

OK, back to Antigua and here's Chris and there's a helicopter ride - Chris is "a little scared of heights," natch - off to the Deserted Island Beach Picnic.  POETRY THREAT LEVEL ORANGE.  Blah blah making out boring whatever.  Outdoor dinner.  Chris has discovered a job opportunity in Seattle and wants to move there and get a "cute little house."  D says she's fine with that and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND?  Is that some kind of local Antigua Monster Cricket?  It sounds like frog croaking put through a flanger or something.  It's horrible make it stop.  OK so anyway, Fantasy Suite, you know what's coming.  What we can only hope is the penultimate TERRIBLE FUCKING POEM.  This one doesn't even rhyme, honestly, he's kind of phoning it in now, it's not good, even by Terrible Poetry standards.  It's more just like a Relationship Word Salad or the kind of thing a cutter might leave on a LiveJournal.  Ugh, SHUT UP already.

Brooks Time!  Des is excited and dons what appears to be a piece of shredded sheer curtain that a child has tie-dyed, but first it's time for Brooks to have a chat with Chris Harrison, who is visibly bored and only halfway paying attention as Brooks says, in a roundabout way, that maybe D isn't the One for him and no, he's not afraid to commit just NOT WITH HER.  Well, that's good to know.

Here he goes to dump her.  She's wearing her primitive mullet shirt garment and babbling about how she's in love with him.  Then they sit down for The Talk and it's just as boring and uncomfortable as you might imagine watching someone get dumped on TV might be.  He's all "I really WANT to be madly in love with you" and that's usually not followed by "And I am!  Let's get cronuts!"  She starts crying away and he should just be like FINE, I'LL MARRY YOU, JUST PLEASE STOP CRYING.  Watching a chick cry is just the worst.

Brooks (L) learns that his mousse will no longer be available in the 55-gallon drum size, while Desiree (R) cries after being unable to complete the TV Guide crossword.

This goes on for a LONG LONG time with the crying and the "Sorry" and the "This sucks" and half the time you can't understand what the fuck they're saying because Brooks is a huge mumbler to start with and it's windy and so we're in the shitty position of watching a chick get dumped without even being able to ENJOY IT, I mean FUCK, ABC, the NSA can read my stupid emails about trading Pablo Sandoval but you can't even mic a breakup.

I think it ends up with D saying she doesn't love the other 2 guys and it's over.  I DON'T THINK SO BABE THERE'S ONE MORE SHOW.

Let me just put this out there: I am saying right now there is a non-zero chance that Brooks rides back in at some point next week and saves the day.  We'll see, I guess.

The Bachelorette: We're all in "kind of a dark place," Human Skull

If you had to go to four bland suburbs and hang out with a bunch of people you didn't know for a day and look at their weird shit and eat their terrible food, you'd call that a Living Nightmare but on the Bachelorette we call it Hometown Dates and pretend to enjoy it.  FIRST OFF we're going to meet up with Human Skull in some park in Dallas and Human Skull has gotten into the Family Mescaline again because he tells D about a dream he had where they were melting into the beach and I remember that one too, right after that is when you get Total Awareness.  Oh wait, Human Skull's family has a Sno Cone empire and here comes HS in the Family Sno Cone truck and now Des distributes cups of ice and aspartame to a group of shrieking, dehydrated children and now Human Skull reappears in a humanoid penguin suit.  This whole sequence looks like footage cut from the acid scene in Easy Rider and I started breathing really hard and had to look away.  HOLD ME.

Human Skull has one of those families that think they are WACKY and ZANY but their idea of a K-RAZY TIME is to ask the speaker at the Sonic Drive-In if their refrigerator is running.  Human Skull's brother "Denton" is obviously the one who got the brains and sister is the Platonic Ideal of a Texas Chick.  They're all turned up to about 15 except for DENTON who is obviously trapped in this ADHD family and can't wait to to move to Brooklyn and read Proust at Cafe Grumpy.  Then HS plays the SAME SONG HE PLAYED HER BEFORE and the whole family joins in to sing along.  HS only has one song and he just changes the lyrics to match whatever situation they're in.  It's about going to Six Flags!  It's about this squirrel! 

Next up is Drew in Scottsdale.  There's always one in Scottsdale.  Scottsdale breeds reality show contestants like Vermont breeds hippies.  They meet up at a strip mall and Drew explains they'll meet Dad and Mom and Mom's husband BOB and the severely mentally retarded sister and whatnot.  So they pick up the SMRS and it's off to the backyard for a wine party.  Dad gets Des alone and asks, "Do you believe in angels?"  BECAUSE I HAVE SOME LITERATURE I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.  "Do you believe that a friendly ghost built this house from scratch?  No?  Do you believe I can guess what card you picked?"  Wait, we haven't seen BOB yet.  Maybe he's an angel too!  "You can't see Bob, but we can feel him here with us."  Dad says "if you want to marry this girl I'll throw a party."  Emphasis on "girl."  Then Drew says he loves her and puts her in the SUV.  Bob will guide you safely home.

Now we're in McMinnville Oregon to see Chris, who, wait, used to play professional baseball?  REALLY?  Oh, he was in the Cubs organization.  That's not "professional baseball," silly! That's whatever it is the Cubs do.  Anyway, Des is making him an art!

That's very sweet, Des!  You and SMRS obviously take Art Class together.  After some fun Baseball times, it's off to meet Chris' family.  I think they all have goatees!  After some wine, Dad, who fancies himself a "chiropractor," takes D down to the basement for some "treatment."  Uh-oh.

But this is all pretty innocuous compared to what Dad does next, which is to SHOVE SOMETHING UP CHRIS' NOSE AND PUMP IT AND GOD KNOWS WHAT. Honestly, what the fuck, Dad!  I promise I'll never take the car again!  Mom sees Des "fitting into our group," and if Des decides to Harness the Power of Crystals or Communicate With the Astral Plane I can see that too.

Then we go to Salt Lake City to meet Brooks' huge Mormon family.  I mean, I assume they're Mormon.  They don't have Catholics in Utah, right?  There are so many of them they're wearing nametags.  My family would have done that, but "Emotionally Abusive Sociopath" won't fit in the little space.  Brooks' brothers look like the villains in a Revenge of the Nerds movie but his family is disappointingly normal.  I hate to spoil this for you, but if you haven't figured it out yet, this is the dude who's winning this thing.

Back in LA, here comes Tweaker Bro who freaked Sean out last season. She hasn't seen him since then, so I guess they're not super close.  She boringly recaps and nothing happens and then she's like "Thank you for coming all this way."  FROM THE PARK I GUESS.  Then there's a sit-down with Chris Harrison and fucking Des spoils the whole thing by saying "I am hopeful for a proposal with Brooks."  HEY IDIOT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SPILL IT YET.  Jesus, get a clue already.

At the Rose Ceremony, Drew is already crying.  Girl, pull yourself together!  So Brooks first, then Chris, then Drew.  OH NO HUMAN SKULL!  He's going back to "kind of a dark place."  It's OK, Human Skull.  I pretty much rent a room there.  You get used to it.

The Bachelorette: If this dipshit doesn't stop with the godawful "poetry" we may all have to quit

About 18 million years ago, volcanic activity began to create the island of Madeira which was all part of God's Plan so that one day a low-functioning adult could peer off the side of a boat and exclaim "Look at the fish in the water!"  And so we carry on. 

We begin with some guests from last season!  Oh, here's the winner, air quotes, Catherine, who has not shied away from the dessert table since she got engaged to Big Dumb Sean and also a couple of runnerups, Lesley and Jackie, who was barely around for a cup of coffee.  They engage in some forced-giggling faux girl talk and obviously there is some time to kill in this episode.  Nice seeing you guys, anyway.

Solo date with Brooks, who probably owns stock in a mousse factory.  Sadly, they are forced to drive around in one of those little toy cars while Des giggles and narrates in that annoying way that people who read signs as you pass them do.  They have some picnic up on a mountain and both quickly deploy all their cloud jokes.  This is so boring.  At the Outdoor Candlelight Dinner that night, Des is wearing some faux snakeskin sequined miniskirt that isn't doing her ass any favors and Brooks is already talking hometown dates!  He yammers on about how his family is so close blah blah blah at least I think that's what he's saying, he's a mumbler and I can't make it all out and it's boring as fuck anyway so who gives a shit.

Solo with Chris, I think that's his name, the Awful Poetry guy.  They're going on a boat, or, as Chris says, "chillin' boat style, drinkin' some vino," and we have a new winner for the WHITEST THING EVER SAID ON TV, beating out all seven seasons of the Bob Newhart Show.  If they do the "King of the World" shit that everyone now feels compelled to do whenever they're within 50 yards of a boat I am BLOWING SHIT UP.  She thinks he is a "great looking guy" so Jonah Hill must look like Ryan Gosling to her.  At a picnic somewhere, our worst nightmares are realized because they are going to WRITE A POEM TOGETHER.  Oh Jesus.  They don't even try to rhyme anymore, so it just comes out like someone cut up a bunch of Hallmark cards and then taped the words together randomly.  "Together love always we is experience share" and shit like that.  At Candledinner, Des is sporting a different sequined skirt and oh God he has ANOTHER FUCKING POEM.   Oh, this is the one where he tells her he loves her.  I would have loved to see him workshop this one.  "One of the colors I know is blue/And also I love you," no, no, that's not right, "A Japanese island is called Honshu/So I love you."  CLOSER! 

Date with Michael, the whiny 12-year-old diabetic tattletale.  Ugh, he is wearing a button-down tucked into khaki shorts and flip flops, pretty much the prototypical Douche Uniform.  For some reason we are sledding around? The fuck?

Sadly, this thing doesn't tip over or explode and so it's off to dinner where Michael talks about his absent Dad too?  Wait, is that new?  I thought his thing was the diabeetus.  Did he decide to go Absent Dad like all the others?  Then he tells a moving story about his ex cheating on him with some guy in Vail.  I'm on your side, sister.

Let's Double Our Fun with Drew and Human Skull.  Drew says "if you don't get the rose at the end of this date it's going to be stressful" so maybe Drew is rooting for Human Skull too?  They're going go-kart racing!  After the 3 of them take a spin, Des says, "How about you two go at it? Then you don't have to worry about me getting in the way."  Drew likes this idea A LOT!

Then we have a picnic and whatever and oh look, Human Skull has made some drawings!  They appear to be crude representations of places they have been.  VERY GOOD, HUMAN SKULL!  Also, Drew wants Des to meet his severely mentally handicapped sister.  She's probably like Niels Bohr compared to this crowd, so that should be no big thang.  Also a killer way to get a rose, which he does.  Smooth.

Following a brief pre-Rose confab with Chris Harrison, where I think she says Brooks is the current points leader, off to the Rose Ceremony.  Hey you guys, is this season going especially fast or something?  We're already at Hometowns next week?  I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong.  Anyway, what the fuck is Chris wearing?  It's like a Goodwill blazer turned inside out.  Does he not own a suit?  OK, Brooks, then Chris, then Human Skull.  Good riddance, Michael.  In the exit interview he's all sweaty and teeth-clenchy like he dipped into the Evidence Coke.  In the Crying Van, he calls Mom to tell her he got dumped!  "That's ok, sweetie pie," she says.  "She doesn't know what she's missing.  Now come home and I'll make you Fruity Pebbles."

Oh, in the previews for next week we see Des's tweaker bro, so hopefully he will liven shit up next week.  Somebody get that man a pipe!

The Bachelorette: Real Housewives of Fauxdrama County

¡Barcelona! Land of 10,000 Sad Angel Statues! Where James will toast to "Mi amoebas!"  Let's go on a solo date with Walking J. Crew Catalog Drew.  We have the usual strolling around town and then we learn there's "a lot more about him that she needs to know."  I KNOW, YOUR DAD LEFT YOU, BIG FUCKING YAWN.  Oh, no, wait, Dad is his hero?  Maybe he left in a super elegant and classy way?  No, he's an alcoholic.  With cancer.  Errrbody crying now. I guess the only thing worse than not drinking anymore is getting cancer.  SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE.

Oblig candlelight dinner.  D is "overcome with emotion" and drags her and the camera crew away from dinner into an adjacent alley to do what he imagines is passionate kissing, I think.  It's tough to tell because he seems about as sexual as a ficus.  Giving up on this attempt at passion, he then moves on to the next topic, BLOWING JAMES UP for not being here for the right reasons.  Remember that whole thing about James saying if he could just get into the top 4 then he'd have a shot at being the Bachelor?  Well, first, GET FUCKING REAL, there is NO FUCKING CHANCE that meathead would ever have a shot but also, WHO GIVES A FUCK.  Everybody, apparently.  Anyway, Dez is deeply troubled and oh fucking give me a break.

El Date del Groupo!  Something soccer related.  Juan Pablo will dominate at this, I guess. They all trundle off to the Barcelona soccer stadium and Juan Pablo immediately starts showing off his mad soccer skills and also high-fiving Des a lot like she's a bro.  Then Los Doucheros play a faux soccer match against a bunch of girls and get smoked mostly because James is the goalie and, as Juan Pablo correctly analyzes, "I guess he scared of getting hit with ball." 

Let's move onto the Night Portion and the Brofontation with James and we'll skip over the terrible, terrible "poem" that Dez has written for fellow Awful Poet Chris and my one wish for this season is that everybody stop writing fucking poetry, it's really the worst.  Anyway, 2 douches confront James with his "shocking" statements about being the next Bachelor and James quickly moves through the Stages of Brofontation, namely: (1) I was kidding, (2) I said it privately, (3) Mikey brought it up and I just agreed with him. There's a lot of bleeping and then Kasey with a K says he will "counter-accusate," whatever the fuck that means and then spills the whole thing to Des AGAIN.

The Brofrontation: Artist's depiction. I forgot to get screengrabs.

OK so then Des talks to James and he's like, Mikey brought the whole thing up.  He didn't have a connection with Des and he was "self-medicating himself."  That's it, James!  It's working!  Your fake crying and everything is working!

Back at the hotel, all the hens are clucking.  Are "you thinking he might turn violent?"  SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE JAMES MIGHT TOUCH YOU.  That "federal prosecutor" Michael is just a big 12-year-old snitch with a lot of mousse.  Oh here comes James.  "Goodnight!" HRMPH!  HE DIDN'T GET VIOLENT AT ALL.

Next day, solo date with Human Skull, who is now a color not found in nature and apparently is dying his skin to match his outfit for the day.  They're off to art class where they will sketch each other and Des is understandably concerned about using color because "Worst Celebrity Spray Tan Disasters" isn't on the color wheel.  Neither one of them can art very well.

Dinner that night is at Freixenet!  Hopefully some budget-priced sparkling wine will lead to romance.  They descend into the caves to have a candlelit dinner surrounded by thousands of bottles of $5.99 cava.  She wants to know all about Human Skull!  He has a "spirit that wants to continue to venture!"  RIGHT INTO AN EPISODE OF THE HAUNTING I BET.  He gets the Cheap Champagne Rose.

"At this point in my life you kinda mean everything to me," Human Skull says, which is terrifying and awful, just like this show.

Meanwhile, the housewives are getting themselves all worked up about the James thing again!  Michael is the Captain of Hating James' Guts.  Drew is physically sickened by the thought that James isn't as invested in a fake TV relationship as he is.  Des interrupts their little bitchfest and takes James out to ask "What is your intentions, like, now?" and "Is you willing to discard subject-verb agreement for me?"  She doesn't kick him out yet.  OOOOOOOOO THE LADIES ARE SO MAD WHEN JAMES COMES BACK TO THE HOTEL.  Michael is all here, hold my pearls but then James says his basic point is that he won't kill himself if he gets kicked off and that is the most normal thing that's happened so far and then he leaves and all the girls burst into tears like they dropped a Barbie and an ice cream cone at the same time.

Rose Ceremony.  We're kicking 3 off!  Sweet, shit is moving faster now.  IN: Chris, Brooks, and Cindy.  I mean Michael.  OUT: Juan Pablo, James, and Kasey, thank fucking God.  Juan Pablo tries to summon up some tears but it's hard when the awful fate that awaits you is getting more tail than a salmon trawler wait that simile didn't work at all.  James says "Nobody will ever know the exact truth" like this is the Kennedy assassination or something.  Fuck's sake.

The Bachelorette: I guess being a total asshole really does work

I suppose it's ironic or something that the Supreme Court is going to decide about the gays getting married tomorrow and here we are watching the single best argument for abolishing the institution of marriage.  Enough serious stuff!  Let's get to Germany and see if I can make it through this without doing a Nazi joke.  It's gonna be close!

We are in Munich.  Des has never been to Europe!  She starts out on a Solo Date with Chris who still looks like the Shins' James Mercer and knows how to say a thing in German!  I'm not sure what it was.  We're barely underway when ZOOP back to the hotel where Bryden, the Most Emo War Vet Ever, is feeling sad like a raincloud.  "Feelings aren't progressing the way they need to be," he mopes, listening to Dashboard Confessional on his brightly colored earbuds.  Later he will post a GIF of a sad puppy on his Tumblr.  Anyway, he's decided to go home and instead of just, you know, GOING HOME, he decides to stalk Chris and Des and ruin their day too, so to find them he goes up to random Germans and asks them if they've seen TV cameras, you know, other than the ones behind me.  FINALLY HE SPOTS THEM.

If you were Iraqis, you'd be dead by now, Chris and Des!  Anyway, he tells her he's taking off and, like the rest of us (and ABC for that matter) she wants to know why the fuck he flew from California to Germany just to turn around and leave.  Whatever dude.

Night finds us at Residenz, which is not the dance club at Sandals Negril, but is apparently some palace thing (and is administered by the charmingly named Bavarian Palace Department) that also hosts vapid Americans for candlelight dinners.  D bitches about how cold her ex was like Chris is her BFF or something.  "Girl, I know," Chris says. "Boys are the WORST."  Oh God, no, here comes some more of his awful, awful poetry.  This time it's AA BB CC couplets, which is even more 5th grade than his previous efforts.  "While I sit and look at you / I know that what I feel is true / Despite my lack of personality / Thanks for taking me to Germany."  Then she gives him a rose and there's some guy playing emo piano music and it's a shame Bryden's not here so he could cry and cry and put this guy on his Pinterest.

Group Date on Mt. Douchenkanzer.  There's a Yodeling Guy and all the jerks yodel and that's supposedly "embracing the culture" but it seems more like the Fisherman's Wharf of Germany.  There's a sledding thing.  Oh, Des says "It's been such a great day!  It brings me back to my childhood."  Like when they had to live outside and eat snow for dinner!  After some other boring shit, Human Skull appears with two glasses of yellow fluid and a strange tale.  Ten years ago, it seems, Human Skull "was here and made a big life decision."  Turns out he was traveling around Europe after graduation and I think decided not to be a priest?  Well, on behalf of your would-be parishoners, THANK YOU FOR THAT, HUMAN SKULL.  Last thing we need is you grinning maniacally through the confessional.  "THAT'LL BE SEVENTY MILLION HAIL MARYS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

Then there's the Cage Match Date with Michael the Asshole and Ben.  MTA is committed to getting up in Ben's grille and calling him out and whatever and usually this ends badly for the caller-outer but LET'S SEE DUN DUN DUN. Oddly, they will spend the first portion of this date in a floating hot tub type contrivance that also is a boat and I guess the Sky Mall catalog actually sells something once in a while.  Asshole is getting all confrontational about Ben being an absent father and it's a good thing Bryden isn't here because his tears would fill and sink the Hot Tub Boat.  Then there's a supes awkward log cabin dinner and Asshole wants to know why Ben hasn't made more friends like this is fucking summer camp or Semester at Sea and also why he didn't go to church on Easter and what a fucking tool this prick is.  Anyway, blah blah blah, amazingly enough, Des keeps Asshole and boots Ben who, admittedly does seem hella shady but come on, you can't reward asshole behavior.

In a disturbing postscript, we see Ben in a limo where he says - honest to God - "You guys really missed out. The single dad from Texas. Hi Hollywood!"  These are the rantings of a deranged man.  "Where are we getting drunk? Let's have some fun tonight," he says.  FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS IT.

Oh, I guess I have to mention one other subplot that frankly I couldn't give a shit about but it seems somebody overheard 1920's Wanted Poster James bragging about how being on the show will get him mad tail back in Chicago.  NO FUCKING SHIT.  That's not a bug, it's a feature.  Anyway, a couple of these nimrods can't wait to run to Mommy and tell her what the bad man said but since we're skipping the cocktail party they don't get a chance yet.  Who fucking cares.  Let's give out the roses.  Juan Pablo gets one because Juan Pablo.  Wait, what did he say when he accepted it?  "Con Frito"?  Everybody loves Fritos.  MIKEY gets the boot.  We all continue to suffer. 

The Bachelorette: It's a disaster! No, really.

So after Chris Harrison patiently explains the rules AGAIN to the remaining, and clearly puzzled, idiots, we're off to Atlantic City which was kind of a fucking dump when I went there like 20 years ago but maybe they've cleaned shit up or whatnot.  We're kicking off with a Solo Date with Brad, the one with the shameful secret child MADDOX and the fun-lovin ex.  Brad is as bland and featureless as a field of gently waving wheat but Dez tries to kick him into high gear with her k-razy hijinx like some rides on the boardwalk and invading a chocolate production facility and plucking food off the fucking line like Jesus where is the fucking health inspector and now some of you may be pulling long Desiree hair from your chocopretzels or whatever. 

For dinner we decamp to some lighthouse thing where Brad mumbles quietly about nothing until some stimuli triggers a rudimentary memory of the events earlier that day.  "I keep thinking about our..." he begins.  USE YOUR WORDS BRAD. OUR WHAT? But the best he can do is a "whoosh" sound and a hand gesture. I think he's talking about some ride they went on.  Our maybe the time he took an airplane up into the sky.

Perhaps sensing that spending any more time with Brad would be like teaching Mandarin to a pug, Des wisely ditches him and he cries and gets in a cab.  "I don't think she rejected me," he says. I don't think Brad knows what "rejected" means.

The Group Date thing was just painful and I'm not going to go into a lot of details but essentially it featured a bunch of them competing in some faux beauty pageant.  This sorry affair was only redeemed by the presence of "world famous pageant coach Mr. Christopher Dean" who was there purely to turn the FABULOUS up to 1000 but can do little to help out.  Somehow they drugged/paid a number of hapless citizens to attend this shit tornado.  It's all about as awful as it sounds WAIT DID JUAN PABLO JUST SAY HE HAD A DAUGHTER? Did we know that already? Is there any contestant who doesn't have kids? What the fuck? Somebody "won," I guess.  I was kinda zoned out at this point.

Post, yet another pool party.  The guy who looks like James Mercer from the Shins writes poetry! Look, he's reading a poem! It's from the roses-are-red school of ABAB rhyme scheme poetry like you'd expect. Later, Drilling Fluid Engineer busts out the guitar to bore Des with a song that is a cross between "She Talks to Angels" by the Black Crowes and a My Feelings Mad Libs. At least he doesn't appear to be hopped up on the amphetamines and grinning like a Human Skull like he usually is.

Solo date with 1920's Wanted Poster James. Oh Jesus, they're off to survey the damage done by Hurricane Sandy.  The first helicopter ride of the season is kind of a drag, I have to tell you.  Off we go over the destroyed homes and stuff.  THINK OF ALL THE NEW JERSEYANS WHO CAN'T GET BODY PIERCED NOW.

The Bummercopter lands in Seaside Heights where we meet an oddly accented older couple who lived through the hurricane and tour their gutted home.  YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE US NOW BACHELORETTE.  Instead of fixing their house, Dez dipatches them to dinner at the House of Blues in Atlantic City.  James' heart is broken and also he would like some spaghetti.  Oh good, now we have to follow the Olds on their date.  They actually have way more personality than anyone on this show.  Back at spaghetti, James has a dark secret to confess!  He did something terrible once!  Holy shit, what is it gonna be? Wait, what? You CHEATED ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE?  Really?  Who didn't?  That's the best you can do?  Wait a minute, you were with her for 5 years before college?  I think your secret is "I had sex with a 14-year-old girl."  There, fixed it for you.

James and Des are reunited with the Olds, who now have one more trial to endure - a solo show by Darius Rucker.  The Olds look panicked but will make it through this together.  Oh, Darius Rucker got coke-skinny at some point!  He plays some "music" and whatever.

Pre Rose Ceremony party.  That doofus Michael has some kind of manual PowerPoint presentation with scraps of paper and a Sharpie.  There's some issue with Bryden but I couldn't really follow.  He wants to get off the show?  He's not sure Des is here for the right reasons?  I don't really know.  Nobody cares.  Go, leave if you want to.

Oh fuck only one getting the boot tonight.  Comes down to MIKEY and Some Guy and duh since MIKEY is obviously a Drama Source you know he's not going anywhere so hasta la vista, Some Guy.  He's shocked and doesn't know how this happened.  You should watch the show sometime. It'll help you decode this awful mystery.

NEXT WEEK D tells us we are going where "the men wear lederhosen."  OH GOOD WE'RE GOING TO THE IT'S A SMALL WORLD RIDE AT DISNEYLAND. Oh, we're going to Munich. OK then.

The Bachelorette: Finger of Blame

This week, we're going to kick off with a Group Date featuring a selection of idiots getting matched up against the National Dodgeball League All-Stars, I guess, who have the steely-eyed glare of Navy SEALS although they're wearing ballerina tights and playing a game most people quit pre-puberty.  These roided-out Dodgeballers try to excise the pain and humiliation they felt as children by whipping balls at the hapless contestants until Chris Harrison mercifully steps in and stops the madness and divides the monkey-brained males into two dodgeball teams for some good old-fashioned dodgeball in a cage off the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica.  The winners will, presumably, get something like more time with Des or something.  This is as boring as it sounds until the third and final game when BOOM Brooks goes down with a broken finger.  He is led away and put down, hopefully.  Oh no, wait.  We have hospital footage.  Brooks is in the Finger ICU apparently.  There is a team of doctors surrounding him. Brooks may not make it.

Go to the light, Brooks.  Let go of the pain.  You were too good for this world.

Cut to the Intercontinental Century City for the Dodgeball Victors Party.  Sadly, Brooks' finger death has cast a pall over the proceedings.  But Brad has the resolve to soldier on.  He has, it seems, a secret from his past that "has really haunted him."  IF IT'S JUST YOUR DAD LEAVING YOU, BRAD, WE'VE HEARD IT.  YAWN CITY.  No, wait, he has a three-year-old named "Maddox."  Why would that haunt you?  Is Maddox a ghost?  Not an actual three-year-old?  Is it a plastic baby dressed up to look like the Pitt-Jolie Maddox?  That would be haunting.  Wait, there's more.  Maddox's Mommy likes the booze and Brad didn't like that.  Why you gotta be stepping on her good time, Brad?  It's always Unhappy Hour around Brad.

Wait, is that James Mercer from the Shins? What's he doing on this show?

He whisks D. away to the rooftop helipad.  He was "glad to see her in her own skin today."  Not like the women he keeps in the basement at home!

HERE COMES BROOKS.  He has made it.  He will live, as it turns out.  He gets some makeout time for this, but the Shins' James Mercer gets the rose.  Then they get treated to a private concert by a dead-eyed chanteuse named Kate Earl or something, who slurs her way through a few horrible proto-songs while they dance listlessly, lulled into a near-hypnotic state by her monotone mumbling.

INT. BACHELORETTE HOUSE. THE NEXT DAY. Des is writing in a journal or something when the phone rings and WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT it's Chris Harrison.  He has some "bizarre news" and you better get over to the Monkey House pronto.  We learn that there's apparently a guy on this show named Brian or something who has a girlfriend named Stephanie and WHOOPS HERE SHE COMES and Brian forgot to break up with her apparently.  Stephanie seems a little shrill and has the overall mien of a Marina Girl who's been told they lost her reservation at Tipsy Pig.  Anyway, Brian or whoever the fuck he is is swiftly escorted out by the crew and the whole thing is so distressing it makes BRANDON cry.  Brandon is a fucking basket case who really should not have been cleared by the psych staff to be on this show.

Anyway, the whole thing just ruins the Solo Date with Kasey that day.  There's some kind of hanging on ropes on the side of a building and then rooftop windy pool situation, who cares.  Hey, what is up with the name "Kasey" with a "K"?  At some point in the late 80's was there some famous person named Kasey with a K that I missed?

Group Date slash Lone Ranger movie embedded advertising.  One of these stupid let's-do-movie-stunts things they do almost every season, sprinkled with advertising for the Armie Hammer-Johnny Depp BLOCKBUSTER that's coming this summer.  I'm sure it'll make a bazillion dollars or whatever, but really, Gore Verbinski, doing a tie-in with the Bachelorette reeks of desperation.  This is the territory of third-string J Anniston romantic comedies, not epic thrill-bores.  Anyway, Joan Pablo wins whatever kind of contest they're running here which is no surprise because he is JUAN PABLO and has a Spanish accent and is a former professional soccer player.  I bet JUAN PABLO is on this show because he has now had sex with every single woman in America and needs something else to do with his time.  They watch a screening of the movie with "the popcorns" and FUCKING TALK THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.

That night, by the campfire, Drilling Fluid Engineer must have tripled up on the Adderall because he is tweaked out of his skull and is licking his lips like a monitor lizard.  He begins hopping from rock to rock making guttural, screeching noises.  His brain is a fever storm of electrical activity.  Meanwhile, James' dad has a "cancer spot" and he wants to make sure Des is here for the right reasons!  WHOA MAN!  THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO!

Cut to the following day where we're having some kind of pool party for some reason and Ben goes off alone with her for a minute because he's a contestant on a dating show and is trying to advance his position on the show but this unaccountably makes the grown man named MIKEY enraged again.  MIKEY then riles up Michael G., who solemnly informs Ben that they will not be friends!  Mikey gathers up his GI Joes and his Star Wars action figures and makes sure Ben knows he will not be playing with them again.  Brandon starts crying.

Rose Ceremony!  Brooks looks moist and narcotized.  Cut this week are Brandon the Decompensater and Some Guy Named Dan.  Bradon awesomely says he got his "heart smashed by a hammer" and "once again, someone left me."  LINE FORMS RIGHT HERE, LADIES.

The Bachelorette: It's a nightmare. Absolute nightmare.

I feel ya, Al.  You only had to run an organized crime family.  I have to watch a group of low-functioning primates compete for the chance to enter a faux TV engagement.  You're the lucky one.

So here we are.  Chris Harrison has gathered this barrel of monkeys to explain the rules.  Date cards, roses, you know the drill.  From their expressions, it looks like he's explaining DNA's double helix structure to a manatee, but they'll figure it out.

The first Solo Date is with BROOKS, who looks exactly like the guy who hits on you at the craps table at the Bellagio and calls his friends "my boys."  Dezzie has a "desire and a passion to design wedding dresses," ok then, so it's off to some mid-LA dress boutique to put on funny outfits whatever whatever and then there's a breaking-the-fourth-wall problem when they hit up a cupcake truck and get mobbed by fans.  Cupcake trucks.  Ugh.  Then they drive up into the Hollywood Hills and hang out on the 2nd "L" in the Hollywood sign, no joke.  Brooks is already thinking big picture and he opines that one day he'd like their relationship to be "as idolized as this Hollywood sign."  The fuck does that mean, like some cult of personality shit or something.  I just wish someday I could be like Brooks and Desiree's relationship, little girls will write in their diaries.  This is giving me the creeps.

The shit gets SCARY because they're driving through an area with some graffiti!  Don't worry, Brooks, if some poors appear you'll be good.  Dez speaks poor, she totally used to be one.  Anyway, Brooks needn't have shit his pants upon leaving Westwood because it's all a setup for an Outdoor Dinner on some bridge.  Over dinner, Brooks confuses Dez with a therapist and starts spilling his guts about how his Dad bailed on him from 13 to 19 and made Brooks REAL MAD.  I have some bad news for Brooks, because once Dad sees this, he'll probably pull the plug again.  Anyway, D is moved by this tragic tale of paternal abandonment and gives him a rose and then they are treated to a concert by some fifth-level Maroon 5 knockoff and if you're wondering if there's any way you could make Maroon 5 worse we sadly now have an answer.

SIDE NOTE.  One thing that's new this season is that they're projecting people's Twitter posts about the show along the bottom of the screen throughout the episode, so yay, if you were wondering what the Mouth Breathers and the Partially Chromosomed of America were thinking you are no longer in suspense.

The Wife: "Melfosterrr is surrounded by cats with a cat sweater on eating Duncan Hines frosting from the can."  I suggest you recalibrate your Crying Threshold, Melfosterrr, because if this shit makes you cry you are going to need hospitalization after that commercial with the dogs greeting their owners coming back from the war.

OK, let's get to the worst thing that happened on the show tonight, and I realize that is a fairly low bar.  On this group date, 14 or so idiots are transported to a winery in Malibu where, instead of trying wine or being buried alive or some other suitable activity, they will be making a RAP VIDEO with SOULJA BOY who is either drunk or has gotten some colossally bad advice from his handlers.  So we are treated to the spectacle of 14 white people and Soulja Boy - wait, I think Traumatic Brain Injury Will might be black but it's hard to tell in this light - jumping around "dancing" and doing whatever it is white people do when they try to rap.  Oh, TBI Will says he can't dance, so that clears that up.

At night we have the Drinks Portion of the date.  Hey, what would be a creepy gift?  A creaky, old-timey wooden wheelchair? An old stuffed animal with one eye missing?  Sure, yeah, but none of those are even REMOTELY  as creepy as the gift Drilling Fluid Engineer presents to Dez - an ANTIQUE JOURNAL he bought somewhere WITH AN INSCRIPTION TO A GIRL NAMED CARA FROM DADDY and THE JOURNAL IS ENTIRELY BLANK.  Ohmyfuckingshit, DON'T TOUCH IT DESIREE!!!  Cara obviously never got a chance to write in it because MOMMY DROWNED HER IN THE RIVER THAT NIGHT. If you take that home, Dez, I guarantee you Cara will crawl out of it one night and pluck your eyes from your head.

Meanwhile, in Meatheadville, a Grown Man named MIKEY has decided that Ben is up to no good and is Not Here For The Right Reasons and so confronts him with his suspicions and what the fuck show does he think he's on?  Maybe he IS here to make friends.  Back with Dez, Brandon is trying to woo her by explaining "I was born and I had a Mom and Dad like you did."  Very good, Brandon!  "I'm also a biped and process oxygen in my bloodstream, so I think we have a lot in common."  Oh wait, Brandon's got a sob story with an absent Dad too.  ANYONE WHOSE DAD DID NOT LEAVE THEM, PLEASE QUEUE HERE.  THANK YOU.

Solo Date with Bryden, the Iraq War vet.  They go on a road trip to such places as "El Matador Beach" and "Orange Grove" and "Convenience Store Falls" and end up in Ojai which is actually a real place.  Oh good, Bryden has a Damaged Goods story too.  Amazingly enough, his trauma is not from being shot at in Iraq or being named "Bryden," it has to do with some bad car accident he was in.  Luckily for us, he carries around some snaps of his charred skin and broken face, which Dez dutifully looks at like they're HS graduation photos.  Then it's off for a dip in the pool and some face sucking.  Gross.

OK, Cocktail Party.  Michael G. valiantly tries to come up with a suitable Personal Trauma story but I guess his Dad stuck around because the best he can manage is that he has Type I diabetes.  NICE TRY, DUDE.  You need at LEAST Type III to be in the running here.  Anyway, Ben cuts off his tale, mid-diabetes, and this enrages the villagers because he already has a rose and Mikey arranges a bro-fontation with everyone else named Michael and Ben and then he calls everyone "kid" and it's over.

Rose Ceremony.  At this point, I don't even worry about learning their names, so a bunch of people I've never seen before are apparently sticking around.  Who's leaving?  TBI Will and some Generic White Guy who says "It's a nightmare.  Absolute nightmare."  You think this is bad? Try being named "Bryden," dude.