Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Bachelorette: We're all in "kind of a dark place," Human Skull

If you had to go to four bland suburbs and hang out with a bunch of people you didn't know for a day and look at their weird shit and eat their terrible food, you'd call that a Living Nightmare but on the Bachelorette we call it Hometown Dates and pretend to enjoy it.  FIRST OFF we're going to meet up with Human Skull in some park in Dallas and Human Skull has gotten into the Family Mescaline again because he tells D about a dream he had where they were melting into the beach and I remember that one too, right after that is when you get Total Awareness.  Oh wait, Human Skull's family has a Sno Cone empire and here comes HS in the Family Sno Cone truck and now Des distributes cups of ice and aspartame to a group of shrieking, dehydrated children and now Human Skull reappears in a humanoid penguin suit.  This whole sequence looks like footage cut from the acid scene in Easy Rider and I started breathing really hard and had to look away.  HOLD ME.

Human Skull has one of those families that think they are WACKY and ZANY but their idea of a K-RAZY TIME is to ask the speaker at the Sonic Drive-In if their refrigerator is running.  Human Skull's brother "Denton" is obviously the one who got the brains and sister is the Platonic Ideal of a Texas Chick.  They're all turned up to about 15 except for DENTON who is obviously trapped in this ADHD family and can't wait to to move to Brooklyn and read Proust at Cafe Grumpy.  Then HS plays the SAME SONG HE PLAYED HER BEFORE and the whole family joins in to sing along.  HS only has one song and he just changes the lyrics to match whatever situation they're in.  It's about going to Six Flags!  It's about this squirrel! 

Next up is Drew in Scottsdale.  There's always one in Scottsdale.  Scottsdale breeds reality show contestants like Vermont breeds hippies.  They meet up at a strip mall and Drew explains they'll meet Dad and Mom and Mom's husband BOB and the severely mentally retarded sister and whatnot.  So they pick up the SMRS and it's off to the backyard for a wine party.  Dad gets Des alone and asks, "Do you believe in angels?"  BECAUSE I HAVE SOME LITERATURE I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.  "Do you believe that a friendly ghost built this house from scratch?  No?  Do you believe I can guess what card you picked?"  Wait, we haven't seen BOB yet.  Maybe he's an angel too!  "You can't see Bob, but we can feel him here with us."  Dad says "if you want to marry this girl I'll throw a party."  Emphasis on "girl."  Then Drew says he loves her and puts her in the SUV.  Bob will guide you safely home.

Now we're in McMinnville Oregon to see Chris, who, wait, used to play professional baseball?  REALLY?  Oh, he was in the Cubs organization.  That's not "professional baseball," silly! That's whatever it is the Cubs do.  Anyway, Des is making him an art!

That's very sweet, Des!  You and SMRS obviously take Art Class together.  After some fun Baseball times, it's off to meet Chris' family.  I think they all have goatees!  After some wine, Dad, who fancies himself a "chiropractor," takes D down to the basement for some "treatment."  Uh-oh.

But this is all pretty innocuous compared to what Dad does next, which is to SHOVE SOMETHING UP CHRIS' NOSE AND PUMP IT AND GOD KNOWS WHAT. Honestly, what the fuck, Dad!  I promise I'll never take the car again!  Mom sees Des "fitting into our group," and if Des decides to Harness the Power of Crystals or Communicate With the Astral Plane I can see that too.

Then we go to Salt Lake City to meet Brooks' huge Mormon family.  I mean, I assume they're Mormon.  They don't have Catholics in Utah, right?  There are so many of them they're wearing nametags.  My family would have done that, but "Emotionally Abusive Sociopath" won't fit in the little space.  Brooks' brothers look like the villains in a Revenge of the Nerds movie but his family is disappointingly normal.  I hate to spoil this for you, but if you haven't figured it out yet, this is the dude who's winning this thing.

Back in LA, here comes Tweaker Bro who freaked Sean out last season. She hasn't seen him since then, so I guess they're not super close.  She boringly recaps and nothing happens and then she's like "Thank you for coming all this way."  FROM THE PARK I GUESS.  Then there's a sit-down with Chris Harrison and fucking Des spoils the whole thing by saying "I am hopeful for a proposal with Brooks."  HEY IDIOT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SPILL IT YET.  Jesus, get a clue already.

At the Rose Ceremony, Drew is already crying.  Girl, pull yourself together!  So Brooks first, then Chris, then Drew.  OH NO HUMAN SKULL!  He's going back to "kind of a dark place."  It's OK, Human Skull.  I pretty much rent a room there.  You get used to it.


SLK in SF said...

These recaps just never get old. Thanks!

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