The Bachelor: I wish the Earth sucked me today, too!

We have finally reached the end of This Journey and what I especially like about this season besides the fact that it's FINALLY FUCKING OVER is the slow transformation of Whan from Suave Latin Lover to Mumbling Asshole It's OK to Hate.  This needs to happen more often.  I mean, all these jackoffs are about as deep as a petri dish, but it's rare that America turns on them and it's about fucking time.

OK, on to Chris Harrison and the Live Studio Audience with a M/F ratio typically found only in gynecologist waiting rooms.  CH promises us that this will be "one of the most dramatic and surprising finales" but you say that every time and IT NEVER COMES TRUE.  "Romeo and Juliet" had a dramatic and surprising finale.  The Bachelor just dies of emphysema alone in a hospital bed.

WE ARE DOWN TO THE LAST TWO CONTESTANTS.

Oh wait, my mistake.  Those are somebody else.  Anyway, Whan's got the whole fam here in St. Lucia, including brother Rodrigo (hipster 'stache, bad skin) and cousin Rodolfo (clothing by GapKids) and Smoking Dad, who the producers have taken the cigarettes away from for this episode.  Hey, has anyone ever heard Whan speak English to Camilla?  Seems like they're on a Spanish-only basis.  Anyway, here comes Clare!  She interviews with various members of Whan's family and they all dis him!  Good for them.  Mom says he's "heeperactive" and "so energy."  Wait, what?  Not on this show.  Rodolfo wants to know if she'll "run away at the first sign of trouble."  I'm not sure if he's blowing up JP or Baby Mama.  Meanwhile, Dad's getting a little handsy!

IF TINGS DON'T WORK OUT WIT HEEPERACTIVE, LET ME GIVE JOO MY NAHMBER.

Clare is shuffled offscreen and Rootsy arrives with a dress showing off her Twitter logo tattoo.  Smoking Dad's not so into her!  Meanwhile, Mom paints a grim picture of her joyless future with Whan - she'll make him breakfast, then he'll be "watching TV, with you, if you are there."  THIS IS AWESOME.  Mom asks if Whan is the kind of guy she wants and then Mom's all "You sure?"  His family is fucking throwing him under the bus!  Because hey, who knows you're a total dickbag better than your own family! IT KEEPS GOING!  Rodolfo wants to know "how much fighting you can take."  Like, you know a slap isn't a punch, right?  You can get knocked around a little and not go whining to the cops, right, sweetie?

Back in the studio, CH wants to hear from "Bachelor Nation."  Haha, one chick says "this whole thing is going south."  Here's Sean and Catherine from two seasons ago.  Oh man, ABC slathered too much fake eyelashes on Catherine and she has to blink like a movie projector.  Surprisingly, they have nothing to add.

Last date with Clare.  Finally getting some helicopters up in this bitch.  We got some drama right off the bat!  Clare tells us in her voiceover that when the mics were off, Whan whispered something to her and now she's devastated!  It's "something no woman wants to hear" and "some sexual thing I don't want to repeat"!  Oh shit Whan, save the Japanese schoolgirl thing for the honeymoon!  Wait, back at the hotel, she says it was because he said he didn't know her at all?  That's not sexual!  BORING.  There's a lot of blah blah blah about nothing and I started checking my phone so who knows.

Then we got a last Boat Date with Rootsy, where Whan describes his ideal future: watching sports on TV by himself!  I guess Mom was spot-on with that shit.  Back at her hotel room that night, Rootsy is wearing a tablecloth, for some reason, and freaking out because he won't say he loves her.  I think that's in the contract but whatever.  She gives him a photo in a Walgreens frame and a card that says "I love you" and then STARES AT HIM INTENTLY like the POWER OF HER GAZE can force him to say it but he won't and now Rootsy is mad mad mad.

Let's wrap this shitshow up and hit the bar.  Everyone's arriving by boat like it's D-Day but for marriage.  Clare comes ashore in a blue chiffon curtain and some costume jewelry.  She's on with a bunch of stuff about how great he is and then he's all "I wish the Earth sucked me today" which I don't know but can't be good.  He dumps her and instead of the usual blubbering GIRLFRIEND GETS PISSED.  " I would never want my children having a father like you" and RIGHT ON CLARE.  Humorously, Whan says "I'm glad I didn't pick her."  What, and pass up a life watching TV in Sacramento?  ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?

Here comes Rootsy.  Girlfriend is ready to get proposed to.  Whan's like "I gotta ring here in my pocket" but you will not be saying hello to my little friend.  I'm not even sure what happened but I'm pretty sure he didn't propose to her but she didn't break down crying so I don't know.  Who gives a shit anyway.  This finale was about as surprising and dramatic as an episode of This Old House.  TK out.

The Bachelor: Nothingness

Second night in a row.  Ugh, I just can't anymore with this show.  Even the episodes that are carefully designed to be Full of Drama are boring. It's so bad. The falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart. The centre cannot hold.

There is some kind of water-based date with Clare or Carla or whatever the fuck her name is.  The she bursts into flames.  Only her name will live on.  She belongs to the angels now.

We see a scene of a rat clawing desperately at the corner of a cardboard box.  Then a commercial for yogurt. The yogurt is us.

That chick and the guy go to an impoverished village.  The white people give the black people the gift of food and drink.  No medicine is available.  Somewhere we hear the plaintive cry of a loon.

On another occasion, people ride horses.  This is an extended metaphor, but it is about nothing.  Is that a bird tattoo, or a cry for help?

The girl from before complains that a man didn't ask her any questions.  She wants him to know her political views but he is not interested in that, or her religion.  He has peered into the blank void of her soul and contented himself that there is nothing there of value.  Her eyes spin in crazy circles but he cannot see.

I am become Juan Pablo, destroyer of worlds.  

The Bachelor: Don't touch Mama

It's Hometowns Week!  What does that mean to you?  Nothing hopefully.  What it means to me is that I have to watch this fucking show 2 nights in a row.  See you in hell, ABC.

Oh great, we're starting in Kansas City.  I have beef with Kansas City, so to speak.  Anyway, that's where Rootsy's from.  Figures.  They do the usual park meetup and then go get some BBQ and then go to an empty bar and ride a mechanical bull.  It's like Urban Cowboy but with less Scott Glenn and more peroxide and vapidness.  Over to Rootsy's house, where everyone is so scrubbed and white and wholesome that the one brother with a neatly trimmed beard is so outré by comparison that he might as well be a heroin addict public masturbator.  Rootsy's a Rich and her house is one of those usual suburban nightmares where it looks like Pier One threw up on Country Living.  They have dinner next to a Viking Great Hall fireplace and they're all "whatever decision is fine" and nothing interesting happens except Roots tells Dad that being a Suddenly Mom at 26 will be no problem because she's been shown a lot of love!  HO HO HO.  If that made sense, beagle puppies could operate an MRI machine.

Act II: Atlanta.  Andi.  Her hair is two different colors now!  The Wife says, mysteriously, that this is due to "Ombre," which I gather is a contagious disease of some kind that gives you awful looking two-tone hair.  Oh, good, they're off to the shooting range.  Welcome to Stereotype America, Whan.  Andi describes herself as "salivating" over the prospect of popping off a few rounds and hey, whatever.  Whan is TERRIBLE at guns.  He finally hits the fucking target after like 30 tries.  If there is a poor charging at you and you need to Stand Your Ground, Whan is not the one you want holding the AR-15.

Andi's family is even more white and scrubbed than Rootsy's.  Dad LITERALLY looks like a bullet and there are probably not a lot of Obama voters in this household.  The producers are trying to make it look like Dad is some kind of maniacally confrontational asshole but he's actually just NORMAL in that he's somewhat suspicious of the idea of his daughter marrying some dude she's been on ONE date with.  Meanwhile, Mom is MILFing on Whan and touching his arm and asking him to dance and Andi literally throws herself between them like Jesus Mom you're embarrassing me please stop touching the foreigner.

Next we travel to Sarasota Florida and during the Establishing Shots they show the skyline and beach and WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING

In case you can't tell, that's not people recreating the famous picture, it's some kind of nightmarish public art thing that looks like it's about 40 feet tall and hopefully will one day come to life and trample the hapless citizenry.

(Oh God, it's 25 feet tall and somebody paid half a million dollars for it.)

Anyway, back to our regular horrifying thing.  Mom Renee is here.  "I'm going to literally eat my son when I see him" she says.  Your cannibal cult activities will not play here Renee!  Admittedly, her reunion with the kid is pretty cute, despite her failure to literally eat him.  They're at his little league game, and son Ben reports that he plays "shortstop, pitcher and catcher mostly" and JESUS CHRIST let's get this team some more personnel because Ben is stretched a little thin.  Renee's family seems OK.  Mom is clearly one of those ice-clinking-in-the-cocktail-tumbler-at-3-pm types and they're all fine and nothing happens.

Our last stop is beautiful Sacramento, the Kansas City of California.  Here's Krazy Klare and Whan says "I can't wait to see why you are the way you are."  ME TOO WHAN.  There's a strange interlude with something about dead Dad and then we're throwing rocks at the hapless geese in the pond and then off to meet the fam. HOLY SHIT IT'S A TON OF CHICKS.  Luckily they're all wearing different pastel colored shirts so we can tell them apart.  Sister # Whatever says "My dad was the ultimate Southern gentleman and Juan Pablo seems that way to me."  Yeah, if you KEEP GOING FARTHER AND FARTHER SOUTH.  Sister Green Shirt is officially here to piss on Clare's parade.  She thinks Clare is "manipulating Mama" who is apparently a mute and then hides in the bushes to make sure nobody talks to Mama?  Or something?  SGS makes Clare look like a Zen master.  Whan wants to talk to Mama and when SGS tries to body check him he uses the soothing tones you would use to calm a frightened animal or a schizophrenic and this seems to work.  Oh, Mama speaks Spanish!  Perfect, they can discuss how Venezuela is caliente, no I didn't make that up.  Mama actually has more sense than the rest of them combined.  Clare and Whan top it off with a makeout sesh that suggests she might violate the No More Fucking rule right there in the driveway.

OK, let's shoot this horse in the head.  We're in Miami and Whan reads a script about everyone's "amazing family" and whatnot.  First Rootsy then Krazy Klare and then since we've already seen 10,000 promos for tomorrow, we know it's Andi and not Mom.  Bad choice dude, now who's gonna therapy the other chicks when you don't have time?  Renee is on her way out and says "There are actually men exist like him" which yeah, I guess so.

Tune in tomorrow for some shocking something blah blah blah shoot me.

The Bachelor: Everyone needs to lighten the fuck up a little bit

"We're in Miami, where eberyding began," Whan says, driving around Miami, then makes an unnatural squealing/screeching sound talking about going to see Camilla.  Whan drops in on the Family Home, I guess, where everyone's hanging out and Grandpa's smoking!  That's how you can tell this is a spicy immigrant family.  Later, Whan stops by the Loews Hotel where the chix are ensconced and WHOA WAIT IS HE WEARING A STRING ANKLE BRACELET ugh go ahead and kill him.

One on Whan Date!  How exciting!  Oh, with Seriousleen.  Not exciting.  Very somber.  They board a Cocaine Yacht and Seriousleen is still unsure about this whole thing I mean like PAGING A NEW STEEZ FOR SERIOUSLEEN.  They sail around and do some medium-grade making out.  She says he makes her feel "happy, which is something I don't allow myself to feel very often."  Oh for fuck's sake Seriousleen.  Let's get off the yacht and go back to our room and listen to Dashboard Confessional and update our Tumblrs with pictures of rain on windows and abandoned farmhouses.  Christ.  Meanwhile, she pauses her dreary tale midsentence to pick something off him like they're bonobo monkeys.

For the Night Portion, it's back on the yacht - hey, it's paid for, might as well use it! - for another Extreme Close Up 20 minute makeout session.  "I wish I was a little bit dumber," Seriousleen offers.  Well, you failed to use the subjunctive correctly, so maybe you are a little bit dumber, Seriousleen!  Anyway, if you really want to get dumber, watch this fucking show sometime.  Post-date, S of course heads to the comforting embrace of Mom Renee to spill all her guts out.  She's thinking about leaving!  Duh.

Next Solo is with Rootsy.  They're going to Camilla's dance recital!  Sounds boring.  Maybe they'll rappel into it or something.  So they get there and she meets the family and Whan's ex, who is admittedly pretty fucking hot.  A bunch of kids do a dance.  It's not very good.  There's some awkward small talk and it's time to go and The Ex bids Rootsy goodbye with a cheery "Arepa!" or "Hurry pie!," I couldn't quite tell which, but she's obviously trying to communicate some kind of food desire to Rootsy.

So night brings us to Marlins Park, where Whan does whatever the fuck it his he does.    At least the Marlins will have 2 people there tonight!  They toss the ball around a little and it's better than an actual Marlins game.  Rootsy correctly points out that Camilla is "a little girl."  Very good, Roots!  Sadly, they don't set off the dolphin thing.  Sad.

Uh-oh.  Back at the hotel, Seriousleen feels "sick in the way you feel when you've made a decision you're not sure about and it's kind of major."  I bet there's a word for that in German!  I'm usually just "sick in the way you feel after you drank a quart of gin."  Anyway, yeah, she's leaving and she goes to tell Whan but first CLAWS HER OWN EYES OUT to show him the depth of her existential suffering.

Me too, Seriousleen.  Me too.  Anyway, they whisper back and forth for about a half hour.  Whan doesn't seem all that broken up about this turn of events TBH.  She bolts and he goes to the balcony to stare meaningfully at the hotel next door.

Then there's a Group Date and it starts with Whan arriving in a seaplane and what is up with the seaplanes this season. Seaplanes: The New Helicopters.  They're off to some private island that frankly looks a little beat up and Chelsie unleashes a Word Torrent OH MY GOD TALKING TALKING TALKING Jesus Christ please shut the fuck up for two seconds no one cares if your Mom told you to stop at 2 drinks.  Andi, it seems, does her caftan shopping from the Golden Girls Collection!

Then she starts in on the crying!  Fuck, Whan is constantly talking these chicks down.  She's worried about "failure."  At this point he should just pick whoever is in a good fucking mood that day.  But wait, now Clare launches into her own mascara-destroying Feel Session about Dad and the mysterious video he made that's locked away only to be seen by Future Husband.  Maybe it's just Dad saying "Bush did 9/11" over and over.  Andi gets the Everyone Please Stop Crying Rose.

Night with just Andi in South Beach, possibly the Asshole Capital of the World.  They go to see some guy singing something in Spanish with an oddly high-pitched voice.  The whole thing sounds like Sabado Gigante on helium and isn't very interesting.  Back at the hotel, Clare is bitching about not going on a date and Rootsy's all "That's so stupid" and walks out and this provokes some kind of bitchfight between Roots and Clare and I don't even understand what it was about but it ends with Rootsy calling her "fucking crazy" which is actually true.

The Cocktail Party is mostly uncomfortably long scenes of Roots and Clare sitting next to each other and not talking.  We learn that when people are denied cell phones, they literally do STARE BLANKLY INTO SPACE.  This does not make for very good TV.

OK, who's in.  Andi's already in.  Rootsy then Clare then Mom Renee who's in I think just because Whan needs an assistant in the Talking Crazies Down department.  Chelsie is out.  Whan tries to think about dead puppies and force himself to cry but can't quite make it.  She can go unleash her word salad elsewhere.

Next week, 2 episodes on 2 consecutive nights?  My God is an angry god.

The Bachelor: New Zealand: Almost As Beautiful As Ohio

It appears that we are off to New Zealand and seaplaning around which gives Whan the chance to say "beautiful" about 30 times and also that he's ready to "take things to the next level" so he's doing a good job learning his meaningless English sayings.  Meanwhile, the chix are busy checking out the Huka Lodge - "INFINITY EDGE POOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!" - and Clare, that little minx, admits "Last week in Vietnam everything kind of blew up in my face."  THAT'S WHAT CHARLIE SAYS TOO CLARE.  

One on Whan with Andi.  They do some river speedboating and then jump in and Andi, congrats, you are the first chick in Bachelor history to wear a one-piece. This frolic looks fucking awful, though, because it appears to be freezing and instead of tropical yachting like we usually get instead we're fighting for survival in some kind of jungle rock formation.

This goes on for quite a while - YAWN - and then we pop out in some waterfall thing or whatever and the No Makeout Rule is obvi suspended again.  

Outdoor Dinner by some giant geyser.  They're trying to get down on some lamb kebabs when the damn thing goes off and GREAT PLANNING ABC but I guess it's supposed to represent all the sublimated sexual desire on this show.  When did I start talking like a grad student.  Andi obviously has no chance but she gets the Roaring Geyser of Juan Pablo's Love Rose.  How does Andi feel?  "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well."  THAT'S NOT WHAT IRONY MEANS ANDI.

"Our chemistry is bursting through."  Christ.

Group date in Rotorua, which is of course beautiful and whatever but maybe not conducive to having a picnic in what appears to be 75 mph winds.  Oh, this is fantastic: Rotorua reminds Chelsie of Ohio "except we don't have hills."  Ohio, New Zealand - people are always getting them confused!  Except for the tiny detail that OHIO DOESN'T RESEMBLE NEW ZEALAND IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY except they both exist on Earth and have soil and trees.  Then everybody gets into swimsuits and it's INTO THE GIANT PLASTIC HAMSTER BALLS which is kind of a perfect metaphor for this show.  

For the Night Portion we are in some kind of Lord of the Rings theme park.  You knew the LOTR stuff was lurking offstage just waiting for its moment.  Either NZ has some kind of natural peroxiding effect or Rootsy's had some work done up top.  Meanwhile Whan muddles through some Feelings Talk with some chicks and then does his weird Tongue Insertion Kissing with Rootsy.  Seriousleen manages to work in that this is "inorganic" again and Whan says not to question herself and just enjoy dis and I think that's what cult leaders say.  She gets the Organic Rose and then Whan cuts loose NBA Player Whelping Delivery Vehicle Cassandra because I guess he's not enjoying dis.  She gets put in the Crying Range Rover and says she's been "waiting so long for something special" and YOU ARE 22 YEARS OLD.  I've waited longer for shit on backorder from Amazon.  Whan returns to the Shire alone with his tiny Head Umbrella.  

Now Professional Temptress Clare gets a second Solo Date. She's trying to get him to apologize for banging her or something, I'm not sure.  He opines that if he somehow resisted her devilish advances, "she'd be devastated right now." OH HO HO HO WHAN.  Is that how it is? THIS JUST IN: Professional Athlete Is Kind of a Tool.  Film at 11.  Anyway, Nighttime Snax at the Hilton.  Clare seems to be under the impression that Whan "apologized" for something but I didn't hear it.  She snags the Managed Not To Fuck On the Second Date Rose.

The Cocktail Party this week is a somewhat somber affair.  Maybe everyone realized that Life is a Meaningless Void and our Lives are Empty and Dark, or maybe we're out of champagne.  Rootsy says she wants a "partner" and "someone to share all the things life has to offer" and maybe some other things she copied from every single Match.com profile ever. DO YOU WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME TOO ROOTSY?  ENJOY CANDELIGHT DINNERS?  Oh no, here comes Kat with some downer shit about Drunk Dad.  PULL UP KAT PULL UP.  

Let's hand out the roses.  Rootsy and Mom Renee are in.  It's down to OMGCHELSIE and DownerKat.  

OUT: Baggage Claim.  I told you to wait until later with the Drunk Dad stuff.  I'm kind of bummed because I wanted to meet Dad on the hometowns, maybe get some shots.  Anyway, she's off in the Crying Limo and she reveals why she can't hold on to a guy: she's too great!  THAT'S MY PROBLEM TOO, KAT!  Let's you and me and Drunk Dad hit the bar.  

(The outtakes they play under the final credits this week features Whan and the girls THROWING SHEEP FECES AT EACH OTHER.  I was wrong; the hamster balls were NOT the best metaphor for this show this week.)

The Bachelor: Don't Fuck on the First Date

Here we are in Vietnam and I can’t even make any Vietnam War jokes because I already did that once and also because it has now been longer since the Vietnam War ended than it was between World War II and the 80's and no one on this show or probably reading this was even alive when the Vietnam War happened.  Anyway, there was an unpopular war in Vietnam a long time ago and then a lot of people won Oscars as a result.

OK, back to the show.  Mom Renee gets the first One-on-Whan™ and for some reason this news makes her “palms hurt.”  Hmmm, our first recorded case of Bachelor Stigmata.  Hail Renee Full of Hair Product Blessed Art Thou Above All Soccer Moms.  Their date is in the charming Vietnamese town of Hoi An and Whan “can’t wait to make her enjoy the day.”  FUCKING SOAK UP THE ATMOSPHERE BITCH. DO WHAT I SAY.  DO IT NOW.  Oh, check it out!  Vietnamese dogs are super cute!

So they stop by some fabric shop or something to get a dress made for her I guess?  Mom thinks this is “fascinating” and “amazing” but I would describe it more as “boring” or “really boring” or “still boring.”  There’s the usual walking around and buying a racist coolie hat for Mom’s kid.  For the Night Segment, Mom is wearing her new dress to Indoor Dinner.  Blah blah blah she got married young and they grew apart.  Whan thinks her eyes are “full of life” which I guess is good and he gives her a rose and then they’re out lighting candles in Chinese takeout containers and putting them in the water and making a wish.  My wish would be “Please don’t let this fucking thing drift under this flimsy wooden pier and burn us all to death.”

I realize this is a terrible picture.

Group Date wherein Whan says we are going to do “very traditional Vietnamese –” and here he pauses – “Things.”  Yes, things! This means getting in some wooden bowls and paddling around which is mostly an excuse to make out with Clare.  Then it’s off to the community gardens to PICK SOME PRODUCE! Hopefully they’re making 60 cents an hour and getting doused with carcinogenic pesticide for the real immersion experience.  Anyway, after dinner (Vietnamese food, I’m guessing), there’s supposed to be a cocktail party but it’s mostly just Whan hanging out in his hot tub with Clare.  Once again, his “No Kissing” policy appears to be somewhat flexible, because he and Clare and slobbering into each other’s mouths like Saint Bernards.  Back with the chicks, Seriousleen, as usual, is being kind of a downer and wants him to see her “as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  OK then.  Clare ends up with the rose and then shows up at his room in the middle of the night and I think they’re hinting that they hit it or something.  God, you do not want to knock Clare up.  Hairstylist.  Sacramento.  I don’t think I need to say anything else.

Rootsy One on One!  I think she got a Vietnamese touchup because the roots actually don’t look as aggressively black.  Anyway, this is going to be one of those Adventure Dates where we rappel down into a cave that is literally named “Hell.”  That’s some dynamic branding!  As with all Adventure Dates that you’re not personally on, it’s boring.  We’re back topside for Night Portion and the true Hell here is what Vietnam is doing to Rootsy’s hair.  She’s on and on about pediatric nursing which is actually kind of a downer tbh.  She gets the rose and some face kissing and is “electrified” like she “stuck her finger in a light socket” and I’m not sure I want her pediatric nursing my kid.

The ladies arrive for the Cocktail Party carefully arranged on a boat.  There is shocking news!  We are cutting 3 tonight.  That is not good for Maybe Black Danielle, who has gotten less screen time than Anonymous Vietnamese Produce Family.  Whan gets busy making out with Mom and his No Kissing Rules are now beyond comprehension.  Oh, a sit-down with Clare! He says “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened.”  I guess they did it!  He doesn't want his daughter to know.  Gee, maybe don’t tell her then?  C is now crying and Whan’s talking her down like he does every episode.  This is boring.

Rose Cer.  Whan starts by gazing meaningfully at his Serial Killer Shrine of Ladies.

THREE MUST DIE TONIGHT the voice in his head says.  Who’s in?  Seriousleen, NBA Progeny Bearer…..

LAZY EYE REPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only a little sleepy.

OK, back to it.  ChelsieWOOOOO, Kat, Andi Who Needs to Stop Bitching All The Time.

ADIOS Lazy Eyes, Alison (I think?) and Maybe Black Danielle.  No surprises there.  Hopefully the next episode is better because this one failed to move me.

The Bachelor: C'mon, kids! Let's go to the KOREAN FURNITURE MUSEUM!!!!

LET US MARCH BRAVELY INTO BRIGHT FUTURE WITH DEAR LEADER Whan who is telling Camilla that she is his “everything” but whoops Daddys gotta go on the road for a while so let me amend that to you are my “something.”  One of my things.  Meanwhile CH shows up at Girlhaus to announce that we are GOING TO WORKERS PARADISE OF NORTH KOREA where we will eat wire and construct a yurt from yak dung.  Oh no wait I misheard it’s South Korea.  OK then.  Clare chirps “I don’t even have a kimono!”  That’s OK Clare.  You have time to learn Chinese or Bolivian or whatever they speak there.

Our first group date is an introduction to the exciting world of K-Pop, which, according to Whan is “taking over America!”  I guess.  Apparently the chix are going to do a dance number with “21” (EDIT: it's apparently "2NE1," like what the fuck is that?), a musical or something group that is a living combination of anime and meth.  Kat, who has been “dancing her whole life!” is generally bouncing around like she’s electrified but Rootsy can’t dance so she is SO MAD.  It doesn’t help that they’ve got her dressed up like a defective mannequin from the Juniors section at Sears in 1988.

Anyway, 2NE1 is so popular that they perform at a mall like a 5th-place American Idol finisher!  Even the NBA Dancer/Trey Mom is phoning it in but Kat is gyrating like Kim Jong Whatever has a dog pointed at her.  The whole thing is awful, of course.

Apparently every rooftop pool, restaurant, bar, lounge, and more interesting museum is taken because the Night Portion finds us at the Korean Furniture Museum.  Not a joke.  Can you imagine the kids who get taken to the Korean Furniture Museum?  Poor bastards.  Anyway, everyone sits on some Korean Furniture and says “Chewbacca!” which I guess is Korean for “This sucks!”  Uh-oh, Kat’s dad was a “severe alcoholic” and that’s why she moved to Arizona?  Makes as much sense as any other reason to move to Arizona, I guess.  Oh boy now everyone’s down on Rootsy.  She’s too “negative.”  COME SIT BY ME SWEETIE.  Anyway, that shit moves units because she gets the rose.

One on Whan ™ Date with Seriousleen, who has the emotional response of a coma patient but hopefully we’ll have fun.  They wander through the oblig outdoor market and sample some Korean food, which appears to be largely pig noses and bright red things.  Later, Whan pressures her into doing some singing and she makes SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT you know how all performers are DYING to do their little act but they all have to go “OH NO NO I COULDN’T PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME.”  She sings like 3 notes!  BIG FUCKING DEAL.  Then they make out.  Seriousleen will input this valuable information into her data banks.  At the Outdoor Dinner™ Seriousleen has activated her Humanity Chip and there’s something about whether Whan wants more kids or something that I think is supposed to be dramatic but I didn’t follow and she gets a rose.  BLEEP BLOOP.

GROUP DATE.  We’re going to “explore Seoul” which means going to a Karaoke parlor that’s decorated like Manga Barbie’s Dream House.  Then off to Dr. Fish Zone.

Sadly, this is not where Dr. Fish will perform amateur plastic surgery, but instead where REAL FISH EAT DEAD SKIN OFF THEIR FEET.  So far Korea is grossing me out.  Then it’s back to the street food where Clare makes a big show of refusing to eat octopus like of all the disgusting shit they probably have to eat I bet that’s the mildest.  It’s basically calamari.  I mean, if you want to make a stink about it turn down the otter penis or human eyeballs, but octopus?

Group Outdoor Dinner somewhere.  Wait, did Andi just call him “Duwan Pablo”?  I think that’s a rapper, sweets.  Hey, for some reason Whan has now decided that he can no longer kiss anyone because sometimes-interesting daughter Camilla is watching or something.  I don’t get it.

LAZY EYES UPDATE!!!!

Partially to moderately sleepy.

Oh wait, now he’s kissing Clare? So I guess his no-kissing rule was just for brunettes.  For some reason Andi gets the rose.  Then we’re off to some Korean temple that has a pretty loose BYOB policy and everyone’s mad because Rootsy – who is wearing a purple napkin as a dress – is violating some code by hanging with Whan even though she has a rose.  Whatever.

Rose Cer, finally.  “I love you,” says Whan, to no one in particular.  IN: Mom Renee, ChelsieWOOO, Lazy Eyes, Maybe Black Danielle, NBA Dancer/Neon Wrap Wearer, Really Who the Fuck Is Alison, Sacto Clare, and Kat Who Is Looking Slightly Rough.  Adios to Elise From "Forty Fort" and Lauren S.  Deadweight, both of them.  Good riddance.

The Bachelor: This Just In: Soccer Still Boring

Sorry this is so late.  I was busy!  I had a lot on my plate.  It was misplaced.  This was someone else's job.  It was overtaken by events.  I'll do better next time.

Let us begin at the Girlhaus, where - wait, did Rootsy get her roots adjusted?  It looks like it!  Doglvr wants a one on one date.  Maybe Patches is free!  Oh, with Whan.  Anyway, Chris Harrison shows up for the preflight briefing and it appears the first date tonight will be with the oddly lupine Cassandra!  Hey, ever wonder when Cassandra's last first date was?  Soon we will find out.  OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Now we are off to Long Beach where Whan is playing with little Camilla and LONG BEACH, REALLY? What, was San Pedro busy? Geez, ABC.  Here comes C, who "hasn't had a first date since [she] was 18 years old" and apparently managed to get knocked up on that one so LOOK OUT WHAN.  Whan puts her in some buggy car thing and they drive into the water and both drown.  I WISH.  No, they float.  It's some kind of car-boat thing.  They drive around in the water and C squeals like a piglet.  Yacht swimming making out blah blah blah you've seen all this before.  Then back to the Bachelor house to MAKE MORE BABIES I guess and C can't stop saying how it's her first date in 3 years.  Jesus Christ lady, we get it already.  She's sweet but doesn't seem like the sharpest tack in the corkboard.  Let's move on to Looking at Kid Pix.  THIS JUST IN: "Trey" is Perez Hilton.

Also, watching other people look at baby pictures is more boring than watching a calculus lecture wrapped in paint drying.  She gets the Please Shut Up About Your First Date in 3 Years Rose.

Then we have a Group Soccer Date at, I shit you not, StubHub Stadium or whatever.  I guess they all had to pay 3 times over face to get in!  I'm kidding, StubHub, I love you.  PLEASE DON'T SHUT ME OUT.  Daddy needs Giants tickets.  Anyway, the chix all play soccer and it's about as interesting as any soccer game which is to say it's boring as fuck.  The only good thing is they appear to be playing without goalies which is actually the best innovation in soccer since hooligans.  Post, there's no rooftop pool? Fuck, ABC.  Between this and Long Beach, you are really cheaping out this episode.  No, nighttime portion is still at StubHub Stadium.  OK, Rootsy gets a hug, makeout with Andi, then The Sharleen takes over.  She's thinking about how "organic" it feels.  Whan clearly doesn't know what "organic" means.  Then they have a VERY WEIRD KISS that looks like he's trying to insert an object into her mouth unsuccessfully.

Whatever.  Free Spirit manages to keep her clothes on, somehow, and Rootsy gets the rose.

One on one date with Chelsie.  Whan plays her some Venezuelan music in the car and she White Girl car dances and they hit up the Venezuelan restaurant for some arepas and tequeno and paco de catillo and maserati or something.  You know what's good after a big meal of unfamiliar cuisine?  TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING!  Especially when it's conducted by a Guy Fieri impersonator in a visor.  There is an ENDLESS sequence where Chel is wavering about whether to do it and JUST FUCKING JUMP ALREADY OK whew it's over.  

Standard Outdoor Dinner at City Hall.  Chel comes from a family of dentists and is the "black sheep" for becoming a teacher instead.  Holy fuck, if that's black sheep status in her family you'd be the Black 13th Incarnation of the Demon Azeroth for changing the channel when America's Funniest Videos is on.  She gets a rose, of course, and then it's the usual Concert by Mediocre Faux Country Act Who Stole the Guitar Riff in His Song From "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day.  Yuck.

Dawn Breaks at Girlhaus.  Whan arrives to make "Venezuelan breakfast," which I thought was cocaine and a chelada but is apparently some kind of pancake thing.  Whan think "Clare look reely good in piyamas" which I guess so.  Hey, wanna get crazy?  Instead of a cocktail party, let's have a POOL PARTY!  Disrupt the Bachelor!  Fuck.  Anyway, The Sharleen doesn't feel a connection because, you know, SHE'S NORMAL.  Oh, now Clare is freaking out.  Maybe she's normal too!  No, no she is not.  Anyway, Whan does his usual gig and talks everyone down.  He spends a lot of time doing this, actually.

Let's get to the Rose Cer and get the fuck out of Dodge.  Hey, Doglvr's lazy eye is especially sleepy today!

PATIENCE, MY SWEET.  SOON WE WILL SLEEP.  

OK, who's in.  Andy, Mom, Doglvr, Seriousleen, Elisa, Kat, Who the Fuck Is Alison, Insecure Clare, Who the Fuck Is Lauren, and Maybe Black Danielle.  We must bid farewell to Free Spirit and Some Blonde Chick Named Christy who I didn't even know was on this show.  "Every person deserves love," Free Spirit says.  Pack another bowl, baby.  We're moving on.

The Bachelor: It's Victoria O'Clock Somewhere!

This episode will be full of surprising departures.  Beginning with the fucking dog, who has decided to swim to safety and abandon this shitshow.

Swim, dog!  SWIM TO FREEDOM!!!!

Hairstylist Clare gets the first date apparently.  WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DATE CARD.  Getting a little free with the editing, huh ABC?  We need our establishing shit.  Anyway, Whan blindfolds her and puts her in a car.  That's how the Cali Cartel does it too!  This date will apparently end with a burning tire around Clare's neck.  The Abduction Limo delivers W & C to - what, a Christmas tree lot?  A ski resort?  ABC is so completely out of date idea now that anything some PA drunkenly mumbles gets made into a date.  "Winter wonderland! That's a date!" Whatever.  It's no winter wonderland for girlfriend's hair, I'll tell you that much.  MEOW.  Wait, what did he say?  "Looking at her smiling is better than living in a box?"  Oh, a "million bucks."  A ploos on the English Whan. 

Following some ice moving, it's over to the Hot Spring TM spa for some relaxing and WHOA CLARE GOT HER DADDY ISSUES ALL OVER THE SPA. That's gonna leave a stain.  Basically Clare's Dad cured cancer on his way to the Moon carrying an orphan and a puppy on his back and if you can't do that, you will not get far with Clare. After some lightweight kissing ("You taste like snow" she says - CALI CARTEL I'M TELLING YOU) they are treated to some sensitive guitar playing by a fat guy with a beard. HOTT.

OK next up is Kat who is V V V EXCITED.  Kat open mouth laughs a lot and I bet she's a good drunk.  They board a private plane and are whisked to - wait for it - SALT LAKE CITY!!!!  Nothing says fun like Salt Lake City.  I guess Cleveland was busy.  Anyway, K is furnished with a neon raver outfit and they're going to something called the Electric Run which is a real thing?  Oh, it's the "World's Premier Nighttime 5k run/walk experience."  What it looks like is the World's Premier Exercise Rave For Idiots.

Anyway, he gives her a rose onstage and the only thing that would make this bearable is about 3 tabs of X which you probably can't get in Utah anyway.  Utah.

Let's move on.  Group Date!  Hey, guess what? In a first for the Bachelor, Doglvr Kelly has not one but TWO lazy eyes!

Maybe "Science Educator" Chelsie can explain this anomaly once she comes down from whatever the fuck she's on.  Anyway, they are going to some kind of photo shoot when a man with a neon blue beard appears and tells them they have all been dosed with 100 micrograms of blotter acid and to find a buddy quick because the next 8 hours are going to be super intense.  Oh wait, PUPPIES!!!!  It's a "sexy photoshoot with the dogs."  This requires costuming.  Kelly dresses up as What Happens When a Meth Lab Explodes Onto Someone Wearing Blackface.

The 1st Grade Teacher is assigned Getting Naked With a Cardboard Sign but she smartly switches with Free Spirit Lucy, who would get buck for half a Bud Light and a handful of M&Ms.  Lady Lawyer Andi isn't so sure about the naked thing either but Whan talks her down and they pose with Free Spirit who seems to think this is Hustler and not Dog Rescue.

The Afterparty finds us all in sparkly dresses at the Usual Bachelor LA Rooftop Pool.  TIME FOR SOME FUCKING DRINKS.  Former NBA Dancer Cassandra has to come out as a parent.  She has a kid named Trey because of course.  Dad?

OK let's get to my girl Victoria.  Girlfriend is on the champagne like a lab rat on the cocaine switch.  She is dancing around in her bikini and spring breaking all over the rooftop and she is SO ALIVE.  Here she comes creeping on Whan and Pediatric Nurse.

WHOOOOOOO!!!!  SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!!!!

Then it's off to the bathroom for a good cry & decompensating.  Mom Renee tries to comfort her as she weeps next to the toilet.  Oh, now she tells Bon Iver she's going home!  ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT BACHELOR SHOW!!!  So Whan gives the Rooftop Pool Rose to Lazy Eyes, for some reason.  The fuck did she do?  WHY ISN'T VICTORIA GETTING THAT ROSE?

Dawn breaks at the Ladies House.  Everyone is already bikini'd and discussing Vicky Cristina Barfelona.  Oh, she got to stay in a hotel last night!  JP goes to see her and I think she's still drunk and she's all "Sorry about last night" but he fires her and what I want more than anything is for ABC to send out a camera crew to follow Vicks around.  THAT'S THE SHOW I WANT TO SEE.

Pre Rose Cer.  Newshound Amy does a painful faux reporter thing.  HERE'S WHAT WE DO KNOW.  YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.  Wait, who's coming apart at the seams now?  Cassandra?  What is the fucking problem?  Good thing Mom Renee is here to gently stroke anyone's hair who needs it.  Anyway, now Whan has to talk her down too.  Here's my advice, Whan: pick one of the chicks who doesn't need to be talked off a ledge every 5 minutes.

OK, Rose Cer.  You're right, Whan!  It has been a berry good week.  OK, who's in.  NBA dancer, Brown Roots Nikki, The Lawyer Who Hates Being Naked, Too Smiley Elise, Don't Really Care Opera Singer, Everyone's Mom, Maybe Black Danielle, Free Spirit, Who the Fuck Is Alison, Turned Up to 1000 Chelsie, Somebody Named Lauren I Think and Kristie the Stripper.  Sorry Black Chantel and News Team 7 Amy!  OUR LEAD STORY TONIGHT: YOU ARE DUMPED.  

The Bachelor: No Me Gusta or Something Something Spanish Whatever

The dream of America is real, a powerful idea that we can all become our finest selves, create our own identities, become who we were meant to be.  In Juan Pablo's case, the dream is to run shirtless on the beach in Miami and do "consulting for sports and entertainment" which is what coke dealers say they do.  HELLO EVERYBODY IT'S BACHELOR AGAIN.

Let's meet Whan.  Oh, he has a daughter, Camilla Valentina who was born on Valentine's Day and is admittedly pretty cute.  See what having a daughter did to me?  Now I'm soft.  ANYWAY Mrs. Camilla is obvi out of the picture because Whan is here to meet Camilla's New Mommy and also he's brought along his whole family to take reality show backdrop jobs away from Real Americans.  Oh look, here comes Big Dumb Sean to drop some knowledge.  Whan's worried because he "can't remember names."  Just call them all "Kelsey" or "Kristen" and you'll be fine.  Sean doesn't really have any useful advice but there was something about a skunk and 2 a.m. in Burbank that was probably more exciting than it sounded.

OK here's Chris Harrison.  "Juan Pablo fever has reached epidemic proportions," he says.  It's like Avian Flu but more waxed!  Let's see some chix in their native environments.  Renee looks good in a bikini and has an 8-year-old son who is "very athletic" and plays chess.  He could be a good mentor for Sean, actually!  Amy is a "massage therapist" in LA and she is really, really, really into massage therapy.

I predict a bright future in the Massage Therapy industry for Amy.  Nikki is a pediatric nurse who could use a doctor for her terrible roots and her anorexia.  Lauren, 35 but claiming 25, got dumped at some point and has more baggage than a Japanese tourist at a Louis Vuitton store.  Lacy comes from a family with 9 special needs kids and opened her own elderly care home at 20 and wants to find her own special someone to feed Jell-O to.  Claire actually admits to being 32 but could pass for 31 easily.  Her Dad had brain cancer and he made a DVD for her future husband to watch.  Too bad it's just random Animaniacs episodes!

L I M O  T I M E !!!!  CH is about to blow our minds because there are 27 chicks this time!  No, 50!  No,100!  No, a million chicks!  Everyone's a winner!  Oh, no, it's just 27, calm down.  Here they come.  Amy L. is a "local news reporter" who is the type you might recognize from such stories as Opening Of The Northridge Mall or Rain Wettens Local Roadways.  Christine is a "police support specialist," whatever that means.  Hold on, did she just say "I know your daughter is a huge partier" so that's why I brought her this glow stick?  Oh, "huge part of your life," got it.  This season's Black Chick is Chantel, who thinks people will have trouble pronouncing "Chantel" for some reason.  Lucy's job is listed as "Free Spirit" and you can tell she's a Free Spirit because she's wearing some kind of bouquet headdress and no shoes, gross.  Danielle is ambiguously ethnic so we might have 1.5 black chicks this season.  Then some girl rides up on a bicycle slash piano like it's Burning Man.  The fuck.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.  Claire is a hairstylist from Sacramento who shows up, for some reason, with a fake pregnancy bulge because you know being visibly pregnant with someone else's child is the best way to land a mate.  Maggie the Personal Banker has a gift for Whan!  It's a "fishin hook."  OK then.  Kelly's job is "Dog Lover" which might be a job in Georgia but is totally illegal in California.  Alexis turns on the Spanish.  PREDICTION: We are going to hear a lot of bad Spanish this season.  El espanol es muy malo.  Muy muy malo.

OK so Whan wades into the Chickicane and let's get this party started.  Hey look a photobooth.  Nothing says fun like forced frivolity.  Time to chat up some ladies.  The Free Spirit has dead eyes and might be the kind of girl who drives around the country killing 7-Eleven clerks.

You know who else was a "free spirit"? HITLER.

Oh good, Whan has a First Impression Rose to give out.  "It's not just a rose," says Fishin Hook.  "It's my future."  Jesus Christ, Hook, slow the fuck down.  Actually it is just a rose.  Personal Banking is your future.  Do you have goals? Visualize your goals.  You are in control.  Awkward talk with Elise!  Her Mom just passed away.  WAY TO HARSH OUR MELLOW ELISE.  Geez, why you gotta bring the stench of death into the proceedings?  Lauren35 is STILL fucking broken up about being left at the altar.  Lauren. Honey. Therapy FIRST, then National TV.  TFTNT, I always say.  Easy to remember!  LEARN IT LAUREN35.  Anyway, good way to break the ice with JP.  I'M SUPER GOOD AT GETTING DUMPED.  PLEASE HOLD ME.  

Whan seems to like the Opera Singer who lives in Germany.  Oddly, she seems normal.  He proffers the First Impression Rose and she's like what the fuh!  DAMMIT GIRL DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.  Listen bitch do you want to be on TV or not.  Finally she caves and takes it.  They always take it.

Our first Rose Ceremony!  This is a Special Time for us, you guys.  I love being on The Journey again.  Jesus what am I saying I'm scaring myself now.  OK.  OK.  Here are my favorite contestants so far.

Look at the way she's looking at us.  You know she wants it.  She wouldn't wear that jaunty scarf if she didn't want it.  OK, here come the roses.  Renee, Claire, Andi, Chantel, the Dog, the other Possibly Black chick, some other girl, Free Spirit Highway Killer, Nelly Furtado, another blonde chick, another blonde chick, whatever.  Fishin Hook and Lauren35 both get cut.  That's too bad.  Oh, and Massage Chick.  Guess it's back to outcalls for her.

COMING UP THIS SEASON everything will be a lot like every other season.