ilu Waze

For reasons too complicated to explain but involving preschool and the nature of time, my life now requires that twice a week I drive from the Mid-Sunset at just after 8:30 to a parking garage in the Civic Center area where I must arrive by 9:00 a.m. or the parking fee doubles.  IT'S REAL EXCITING.  If you know your San Francisco geography and morning commuting patterns, you might be thinking "IT CAN'T BE DONE" or "GOOD FUCKING LUCK" but I have a friend helping me and his or her name is WAZE.

WAZE is a traffic app like blood is a helpful liquid.  Basically what it does is take info from everybody who has it and is driving around in their car and puts it all into its computer brain and then tells you the best route to take to get wherever you're going.  Before I started using it I would miss the cutoff pretty regularly and get screwed but I haven't missed it yet since I started using it.  Disclaimer I don't work for Waze.

Plus the best part it also functions as a free game called DO I HAVE ANY FUCKING CHANCE OF MAKING IT ON TIME.  Here's the screen you see:

Or the screen I saw this morning anyway, while I was on morning commute nightmare Oak Street.  As you can see, Waze is telling me to turn left on Scott which I did and which worked out fine but see that time at the bottom?  The 8:58?  That's the time Waze thinks you're going to make it to wherever you're going.  It changes as you go along, depending on traffic or whatever.  WOW EXCITING.  So you can constantly check it and see how fucked you are.

This morning, I made it to the garage at 8:58.  THANKS WAZE.

Waze has not been without controversy!  Mainly because it's been steering loads of people onto formerly quiet side streets when freeways are jammed.  Oh well!  You can't stop progress!  

Google owns Waze now, natch.

The See's Candy Demystifier

Oh hey it's just post-holiday-season which means every work kitchen has an open box of See's candy leftover from some gift or sent back from some client that didn't leave a forwarding address.  What the fuck is in those, anyway?

1 - Oh good, just normal chocolate OH SHIT SOME KIND OF RASPBERRY GOO JUST SHOT OUT FUCK

2 - Literally a bar of peanuts

3 - Some kind of nougat/uinidentifiable nut thing

4 - Why is the center of this rock hard? Wait, it's pulling apart now but it's lodged in my teeth shit it's gonna pull a tooth out

5 - Dopey Clusters

6 - Just a couple of almonds with a thunk of chocolate loosely holding them together

7 - The only good one.  They move it around and put it in a different place in every box so you'll never find it again.

8 - Looks like the good one but actually has anchovy paste under a thin layer of chocolate.  GOTHA MOTHERFUCKER

9 - Hazelnut paste and broken promises

10 - What, just more chocolate inside chocolate? OK, this one is ok.

11 - They call this one El Diablo.  No one knows why.

12 - Actual maple tree sap, like with bits of bark and ants still in it and shit.

13 - You think it's another peanut bar but hidden inside is deadly fugu fish. You have 8 minutes to live, run don't walk to the nearest Japanese ER.

14 - Swirls of Hate

15 - Some kind of mint thing. It's OK.

16 - Walnuts 'N Roofing Tar

17 - Monkey foot

18 - Just some shit swept up off the factory floor and dropped into a paper sleeve

19 - Macadmia nuts on top, who the fuck knows underneath

20 - The Admiral Akbar

21 - It's a Snickers Fun Size, don't tell anyone

22 - This one's called Chocolate Suicide because Crystal killed herself the first day we made these oh God Crystal I miss you so much

23 - Chocolate so dark it makes Requiem for a Dream look like My Little Pony

24 - Now we're just fucking with you and seeing how many of these cheap-ass Payday knockoff peanut bars we can drop in here without you noticing

25 - I think this is the one made w/ hemp butter but I'm not 100% sure hang out for a while and see if Sheila in Accounting starts talking about the faces of the Buddha

The One-Offs

Oh, California Department of Public Health Most Popular Baby Names 2009-2013, how I love thee.  Everyone already knows that the most popular California boys' names in 2012 would be Jacob and Ethan and Matthew and, God help us, Jayden.  So go on with your Emilys and Mias and Sofias.  We all see you.  The best part of the CDPHMPBN is that it lists how many babies in a given year got that name.  So, for example, in 2012, exactly 1,007 Zoes arrived in California, followed closely by 1,006 Madisons.  There is a 100% chance there will be a Zoe or Madison in your California life at some point.

But we don't care about them.  We care about the ONE-OFFS.  That's right, those names that were bestowed just one time in the State of California in a given year.  And we've learned that, if nothing else, California parents are fucking CREATIVE AS HELL.

So for example in 2012 precious ZEPLIN and ZESAR and ZIPO zipped out of some forward-thinking Moms.  "Popsicle you have, now to me you must give," young YODA might say.  SOCRATES and PERICLES are giving democracy a spin, while SAW and BLAYDE are just cutting up.  MOBY and TIESTO and ZEDD will be manning the playground decks, while CHAOS seems to be in trouble all the time.  No worries though, BUD's here.  And why settle for just one when you can have ERICS?

The girls are having just as much fun.  In fact, they're a RIOT.  Wait, is SANSA a Game of Thrones character or a beta blocker?  I forget.  TAEDYN seems like the wreckage left after two more popular names collided.  Maybe CASHLYNN can help pick up the pieces.  I hope SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA are in the same class; the other kids' minds will be fucking blown.  I hope they go to Disneyland with RAPUNZEL one day.

Finally, presented without comment:

There's gotta be a story, right?  I hope there's a story.

If you're Bored at Work, feel free to go mining and do share any good gems you unearth therein.  Have a good weekend, everybody!

Hey Roman Mars, redesign this

Monotonal podcast host/busybody Roman Mars for some reason has decided that the San Francisco flag needs to be changed.  From the Chronicle yesterday:

A Bay Area radio talk-show host has launched a mission to bring down San Francisco’s official flag, calling it an eyesore and uninspiring.

Roman Mars, host of the design show “99% Invisible” on KALW, said the city’s banner, adopted 115 years ago, carries all the “big no-nos” of flag design, and he believes it’s long overdue for a makeover.

Mars said most San Franciscans aren’t even aware the city has its own flag. It’s only visible in a few select places, most notably City Hall and the Ferry Building.

“It’s ugly,” Mars said. “It’s mainly just not used. I think that’s the biggest tragedy of it.”

Fuck you, Roman Mars.  A lot of people like the San Francisco flag.  I like it a lot.  A lot of other people like it a lot.  Now I wish I had never donated to your pledge drive.  I want my $20 back.

It's got a cool phoenix.  It's got the badass motto in Spanish.  So what if you can't read it from the ther side?  Step around to the front and stop being such a fucking baby.

What's more, Roman Mars doesn't even fucking live in San Francisco.  He lives in Kensington.  I had to Google it just because I always forget where Kensington is.  It's apparently "an affluent unincorporated community and census designated place located in the East Bay, part of the San Francisco Bay Area, in Contra Costa County, California, United States."  If you want to redesign flags of cities you don't live in, Roman, why not pick San Diego or Houston or, for God's sakes, Huntington, West Virginia? (Scroll down and gag.)

Maybe it's because, as far as I can tell, Kensington doesn't have its own flag!  That explains why Roman wants to meddle in flag business in cities where he doesn't live.  Let's fix that!  Maybe if we design a flag for Kensington, Roman will just leave us alone.  God knows we have enough problems already.

My first inclination was just to go simple.

Or maybe something that reflects the local populace.

But to attract the jaundiced gaze of Roman Mars away from our beloved San Francisco and to his own municipality's flag, we had to go big.  Here it is, your new Kensington, California unincorporated community flag:

I like it!  It really says "Kensington" to me.  LOOK OVER HERE ROMAN MARS!!!  WE'RE READY FOR YOU!!!!

I have seen the future of fancified fast food, and it is the McDonalds on Sutter Street

While we weren't looking, the Food Engineers at McDonalds snuck into the Union Square area and installed a new restaurant.

Did I say "new restaurant"?  Yes I did.  But that's not right.  They installed THE FUTURE. (ominous organ music)

Outside it looks like it could be any McDonalds.  INSIDE it looks like Ikea and Virgin Airlines got together and decided to serve delicious meat.

Are you tired of pointing at the #2 on a grimy plate of pictographs and grunting incomprehensibly to a Pusher Drone?  NO MORE.  Now you order directly from a snooker table-sized iPad.

I was so blown away by THE FUTURE that I forgot to take a picture of the Hot Meat Order Entry Kiosk so thanks to Yelp user "John C." for grabbing this snap for me to steal and use on my blog to make $$$$ that John C. will share no part in.

Just like checking in at the airport, there are friendly Worker Bees buzzing around the kiosks to tell you how to push every single screen and basically render the kiosks a useless piece of technology because they're holding your hand through the whole thing.  DESPITE THIS I STILL somehow ended up accidentally ordering guacamole on my Fresh 100% Angus Burger and I don't even like guacamole on Mexican food much less on my burger,  IT'S NOT A HAMBURGESAS PEOPLE IF YOU'RE NOT IN CIUDAD JUAREZ.

But oh the choices!  Forget your usual QPC slapped together off an assembly line.  I picked the ciabatta roll and the sharp cheddar and the grilled onion and NOT GUACAMOLE as I indicated before although they tried to stick me with guacamole.

Then you go and sit down and THEY BRING YOU THE FOOD.

Check this shit out.  The fries come in a little fake fryer basket!  Je t'adore! And as you can see my burger is piled high with grilled onions and also tomato WHICH I DID NOT ORDER.  There are a few kinks to work out with the Calorie Delivery Kiosks still.

I set the tomato aside.  Later, a McDonalds employee approached and asked me if there was something wrong with the tomato and I said I DON'T REALLY KNOW BUT I JUST DIDN'T WANT IT and he said "I just want to make sure every order is perfect."  WHAT THE FUCK.

The Wife got a Filet O Fish which was not special in any way.  It was just pretty much your standard off the shelf Filet O Fish.  I recommend that McDonalds get their shit together in the fish department and start frying some individual fillets and dressing up the FOF a little.

The burger was actually really good.  It was like 73% better than a normal QPC.  I will definitely go back.  You should go there today.

Can you eat at the Rainforest Cafe and live to tell about it? Possibly!

Last Wednesday was my daughter's second birthday.  Happy Birthday Beyonce!  We took the day off work and went to Fisherman's Wharf to see the sea lions and ride the carousel and that kind of shit.  A couple of observations: (1) if you have to go to Fisherman's Wharf, it is much, much better to go on a Wednesday in March than, say, a Saturday in August; and (2) Pier 39 is still as terrifying and touristy as ever.  A shop that just sells puppets!  A man wearing a Bikini Inspector t-shirt!  Italians!

Then we went to eat at the Rainforest Cafe, which is what would happen if the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland opened a restaurant.  Lots of animatronic animals that go off every few minutes and a very loud soundtrack of Reggae for White People.  You enter, of course, through the Gift Shop, where one might purchase such items as a "Bag of Rocks" for $6 I swear to God I am not making this up.  I was hoping it would just be a random bag of gravel and sand but it's those polished rocks but still.

The actual restaurant is upstairs.  The best way I can describe the odor is that it smells like a wet dog.  I guess after years and years of dampness (and it is really humid or something in there) you just can't get the smell out of the carpet any more.

GODDAMIT this picture turns sideways when I post. Fucking Blogger.  Seriously I should have broken up with you a long time ago. Is it impossible to edit pictures in WordPress?  Because in Blogger you have to fucking join Google+ or some shit just to edit pictures.  Fuck that.

That was the view from our table.  The tiger would go off with a loud recorded roar every five minutes or so.  The elephant in the background flaps its ears back and forth.  The kid, of course, found this all delightful.

The food was not as bad as I thought, somewhere between airport and hotel banquet.  It was expensive as fuck, though.  Lunch was $64 after tip for 3 of us and we didn't even have booze, although RC is not shy about pushing fruity tropical drinks on you like you're on spring break.

But fuck it, the kid had a blast and it wasn't anywhere close to as bad as I imagined it would be.  Plus our server, Oscar, was incredibly friendly and nice and he must get stiffed by Europeans all day and to stay that nice must really take it out of you so I tipped him like 25% and should have gone higher but by that point I was starting to feel dizzy and overwhelmed and that tiger kept yelling at me.

There's also a downstairs bar that wasn't in use when we went.  On the way out there was a guy using a selfie stick (ugh) to take a picture of himself in the empty bar.  Where are you in your life when you're using a phone on a stick to take a picture of yourself alone in an empty Rainforest Cafe bar.  Are you shooting an ad for Despair?

Anyway, if I had an extra $100 burning a hole in my pocket and was at Fisherman's Wharf around lunchtime, I might go back.  Not alone, though.

Redistributing wealth for fun & profit: a Thought Experiment

Voters in Arkansas seem ... confused?  For lack of a better word?  They just voted to raise the minimum wage in their state, which, fantastic!  Good for them.  The minimum wage is way too low.  They're only raising it to $8.50 an hour but that's probably like $50 an hour here.

Guess how much this 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath with fenced yard and carport in Bella Vista is?

$675.  Let that sink in for a minute.

Anyway, Arkansans seem confused because in addition to the highly progeressive and populist move of voting to raise their minimum wage, they also voted to the Senate a guy named Tom Cotton who is against raising the federal minimum wage but because he is so breathtakingly devoid of principle announced he would vote for the Arkansas minimum wage hike because he knows how to read polls and wanted to win an election.  It worked.  He won.

Arkansas is a good state to use to think about income and wealth disparity in this country because the per capita personal income there is $34,723 which ranks 45th out of 50 states and is also home to the mind-bogglingly wealthy Walton family of Wal-Mart fame who probably drag up the per capita median income a few grand just by being there.  The Waltons are particularly venal and loathsome because they are the richest family in America with a combined net worth of $152 billion and pay their workers so poorly that many of them have to go on food stamps to live.

So here's a Thought Experiment.  In some state with a low per capita income that also has ballot measures - a state like, say, Arkansas - get the following ballot measure before the voters: a 5% surtax on all incomes above $1 million, with the proceeds going to everyone with an income under $34,723.  Now, ideally, I'd like to just distribute it in the form of crisp $20 bills or I guess a personal check but that might even be too Communist or Socialist or Fascist or whatever combination of those that radio hosts would use, so you could cut the state income taxes of everyone who makes $34,723 to a rate that matches the money collected from Richie Rich.  (Looks like the current rates are between 1 and 7% for that bracket - should be a nice savings!)

Isn't this just a naked redistribution of wealth?  FUCK YEAH.  About time we start redistributing it down instead of up, like they're doing in Kansas, where the latest tax cuts benefit the wealthiest people.

What would this accomplish?  Well, for one thing, it would help out the people who need it the most.  For another, it would tell you whether people are so beguiled by Tom Cotton types that they're willing to vote NOT TO ACCEPT FREE MONEY if it means taking a little bit away from people who make more per year than they will in their working lifetimes.  If they won't pass the Free Money For You From Some Caviar Chomping Dbag Act of 2016, then fuck 'em, we tried.

(P.S. Even in dark red states like Georgia a majority of people want to raise the minimum wage.  SOUNDS LIKE A ISSUE THAT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR DEMOCRATS.  If they weren't so good at losing they might want to pick that up.)

Did you watch the California gubernatorial debate last night? Of course not. I watched it for you.

You probably don't even know there's a gubernatorial election in November.  Look up from your bong every once in a while, hippie, there's a whole world out there.

Anyway, yes, there is, and something named Neel Kashkari is running against Jerry Brown, who has been governor, on and off, since Three's Company was on TV and puts the "elder" in "elder statesman."  Brown is a 2-touchdown favorite and basically will only lose if he dies or Neel Kashkari calls down his space alien overlords which is not out of the question.  The eyes.

Here's a synopsis of the whole thing:

Brown: When I got back on the scene California was a rotting, fetid corpse floating facedown in an irrigation ditch.  I dragged it out and gave it mouth-to-mouth.  Now it looks like Kate Upton.

Kash: Middle class.  I used to be a middle class.  Water.

There were some moments.  I've never noticed this before, but when a Jerry Brown is cornered or threatened, it turns BRIGHT RED as a warning to BACK OFF.  Like when someone asked him if cap and trade will raise gas prices and he said climate change was VERY BAD and someone said WHAT ABOUT GAS PRICES THOUGH and he puffed himself up to look bigger and flushed red and then tried to spit into the eyes of the questioner.

My fave though was when Telemundo host Dunia Elvir asked Kash if he still thinks we should send those poor immigrant kids home!  Kash stumbled around a bit and said hey I love kids but we can't keep them all.  Dunia shot him the best "bitch no way" face I've ever seen.

Most of it was pretty really boring.  Old Man Brown kept reminding everyone that Kash made a lot of money on Wall Street and Kash kept saying "water" and "middle class."  It's actually kinda hard to tell if Kash is a Republican or not, since he's for gay marriage and drivers licenses for undocumented immigrants and dogs in restaurants.  But he actually did pretty well, if you can get past the crazy eyes.  Close your eyes a little, Neel.

In a final desperate move, Kash said he would make sure that we could get the job we want.  Sweet!  I want to be in Guns N Roses, circa 1987.  Hook a brother up.

Consumer Reports' Worst Fast Food Restaurants: Yes, mostly terrible

I see the busybodies at Consumer Reports are back on the job telling us what fast food is OK and what isn't.  Leaving aside The Fast Food Golden Rule -  A N Y  F A S T  F O O D  I S  G R E A T  I F  Y O U ' R E  H U N G  O V E R  E N O U G H - let's see how they did!

According to this article in "The Week," Consumer Reports surveyed 32,000 non-hungover people and asked them to rank "food quality and freshness, value, politeness, speed of service, and cleanliness of the dining area."  I see your problem right there, since you should be ranking Fat and Carb Content, Whether You Can Fill Your Own Soda, Likelihood There Is a Hobo Sleeping in the Next Booth, How Big Are the Fries, and Is This a Wendys.  But anyway, here are the worst, from not-quite-the-worst to Basically Inedible.  Drum roll please, for 11 to 7:

Yeah, Panda Express is totally gross. Exhibit #1:

Sorry, I hope you didn't just eat.  Apart from ghastly combinations like this, most of their food is unrecognizable glop slopped on top of rice or spaghetti noodles.  But if you're not changing planes, when are you ever going to have to eat at a Panda Express? If you subject yourself to that, it's your own fucking fault.

Taco Bell is what it is.  If you want La Cumbre, go to La Cumbre.  If you want a chicken-type product in a tortilla for a dollar, go to the Bell.

I haven't eaten Little Caesars in maybe 25 years so I can't comment.

Domino's is horrible.  Good job Consumer Reports.  The only time you can ever reasonably eat Domino's is if you're in a hotel in Sioux Falls and nothing else is open or in some kind of terrorist-type scenario where a madman is going to blow up a puppy camp if you don't eat it.

I could have a Pizza Hut once in a while, just for their weird spongy crust.  I've never fucked with any of the shit they started doing to their crust like stuffing all that crap in it.

BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE:

I have no idea what "CiCi's Pizza" is but usually nothing that comes from Texas is any good for anyone.

Burger King is OK.  Hey, do you have a Burger King vs. McDonald's preference?  Is it normal to have such a preference?  Is that something you should discuss with your doctor, like Abilify?

I have McDonald's like once or twice a year and I never regret it any more.  I like those flat cheeseburgers.  Did you ever see "Super Size Me" where that guy ate nothing but McDonald's for a month or whatever?  I saw it and it made me want McDonald's SO BAD that we left the movie theater after it and went straight to a McDonald's.  

I never had Church's Chicken in my life.

And finally SBARRO.  Yes, Sbarro is terrible.  I have no further comment on the issue.

Here are my hot new apps. Give me $10 million in funding.

App #1: BumRush

The next time you hear "Space some change?" your answer could be "How about some change ... IN YOUR LIFE?"  When you encounter a pleading supplicant, simply point your mobile device at it and select from your preset Funding Levels.  When you hit "Cha-Ching," $1, $5, or any amount you choose will be sent to the unfortunate's BumRush BumBucks account, where he (or she, if it's one of those) can later retrieve it and exchange it for valuable goods, like other apps.  If your poor isn't yet BumRush-enabled, simply hand him one of our RFID chips and tell him to hang onto it like it's the last bottle of Taaka and the corner store is closed!  You'll be handing out change, all right.  CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!


App #2: Openr

How many times has this happened to you?  You're on the road, checked into your hotel the night before your TED talk or your panel at South by Southwest.  You picked up a six-pack of an obscure, far-too-hoppy local brew, but oh no!  No bottle opener.  What do you do?  Not a problem.  Simply open Openr and press the "Open" button!  Your phone's GPS will tell us where you're staying and we sync with your Preferred Hotels and will automatically know your room number.  Minutes later, a bottle opener will appear at your door.  Magic? No! Openr!

App #3: Skreed

Eesh!  Another rough day sidestepping the dirty masses on the way to an important founders meeting.  Why are there so many poor people everywhere?  And why do people insist on giving you a hard time when you’re rich because you found a new way to help society!  You’d love to write a detailed, angry essay about why the bottom 25% needs to learn to code or why you should respect us as your betters, but who has the time? Let Skreed do the work!  Simply type in a few key phrases, like “no teeth man asked me for money,” “ugh I think it touched me,” “get out of the way disruptor coming through,” or “Kristallnacht” and Skreed will produce a 500 to 1500 word essay suitable for immediate posting on Medium.  Out of the way, world!  You’ve got ideas to share!

App #4: SeatGorilla

My dumb company got a big tax break and its HQ is now in San Francisco so I don't even get to ride a sleek Techie bus down the peninsula.  Ugh, I have to take Muni instead.  It used to be a drag standing the whole way until SeatGorilla came along.  Every morning, SeatGorilla dispatches our team of MuniMonkeys to occupy seats on the most desired lines.  Then, you simply pull up the line and time on the app, choose from currently occupied seats, and enter what you're willing to pay.  When the lightning-fast auction is over, if you had the winning bid, BOOM, the seat is yours.  Simply board the bus, show your confirmation code to our brightly dressed MuniMonkey, and enjoy the rest of the ride in seated comfort!

OK, time to pick a Premier League team

Hello! Ugly American over here.  Every 4 years I watch World Cup matches and announce to (1) my now-jaded Wife, and (2) no one in particular "OK! THIS is the year I'm finally getting into soccer."  So this is it.  I'm finally getting into soccer.

Now, I could get into MS or MSA or whatever the American soccer league is called but that's both boring and not nearly pretentious enough.  No, the only answer for Coastal Elites such as myself is to get into the English Premier League, which accomplishes the twin goals of being inaccessible and foreign.  It's kind of like being a fan of New Zealand new wave or Icelandic food.

SO THAT BEING SAID now I need to pick a team.  I was vaguely following Chelsea the last time I had this impulse, because I wanted my team to always sort of be in the running, and Chelsea always seem to do OK.  I gather that they're universally loathed by supporters* of other teams and they have an owner everyone hates so I guess they're the Cowboys of soccer.  That's a strike against them.  But I like the color blue, so that's a for. Plus, look at this adorable baby soccer hoodlum hooligan tracksuit I could get for Beyonce!

[* You call soccer fans "supporters," not "fans." Also, you don't call it "soccer," you call it "football."  Also, they sell liquor in vending machines.]

Then  there's Manchester United.  They win all the time!  They won in 2013, 2011, 2009, 2008, 2007, and on and on and on.  That's boring.

Arsenal would be a good choice because I happen to know they have a violently active local fan base that gets up at 3 a.m. or something to watch matches at a bar in North Beach.  Morning drinking is always welcome but I just can't even with that.

What about Everton!  Everton is appealing because of the presence of Tim Howard, the amazing American goalkeeper who almost singlehandedly beat Belarus or Belgium or whoever.

But Everton never wins anything.  That would be no fun, to follow a team all season (or whatever they call a season) knowing you're not going to win.  (They won the FA Cup in 1995 but that's a long time ago. Also who cares.)

The Wife likes Tottenham Hotspur mostly because she likes to say "Tottenham Hotspur." She grew up in Ireland, so she was more into rugby and hurling, which I've still never figured out but involves a ball and some sticks and is apparently extremely dangerous.

Liverpool would be nice because the Beatles are from Liverpool.

There's a bunch of others but I'm already tired of this.  I'm sticking with Chelsea.  It's like being stuck in a dead-end job at a gas station: I'm not particularly in love with it, but I already have the jacket.

These vegetarian faux crab cakes were a big hit

2 things: (1) I like crab cakes, but don't particularly like the taste of crab.  I think I like the crispy fried aspect and also I like the taste of Old Bay seasoning; (2) Our friends Stephen and Jessica are vegetarian and come over for dinner not infrequently so I'm constantly looking for new vegetarian things to make so it's not just some pasta again.  Also, Jessica is a fantastic cook and so we're locked in an eternal struggle to see whose cuisine reigns supreme.  (NB: It's possible Jessica doesn't know about this last element.)

Anyway, everybody loved these.  Original recipe from Food & Wine magazine.  Can be vegan too - just sub vegan mayonnaise, whatever the fuck that is, for the mayo.

1. 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for frying
2. 2 1/2 cups fresh corn kernels (cut from 4 ears of corn)
3. 1/4 cup minced onion
4. 1/4 cup minced green bell pepper
5. One 15-ounce can whole hearts of palm—drained, thinly sliced lengthwise and cut crosswise into 3/4-inch lengths
6. 2 teaspoons Old Bay seasoning
7. 2 tablespoons chopped flat-leaf parsley
8. 1/4 cup mayonnaise
9. 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
10. 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons plain dry bread crumbs, plus more for coating
11. Salt
12. Freshly ground pepper

1. In a nonstick skillet, heat the 1 tablespoon of oil. Add the corn, onion and bell pepper and cook over high heat until crisp-tender, 4 minutes. Scrape 1 cup of the mixture into a food processor and pulse to a coarse puree.
2. In a bowl, squeeze the hearts of palm to break them into shards. Add the puree and the remaining sautéed vegetables to the bowl, along with the Old Bay, parsley, mayonnaise, mustard and the 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons of bread crumbs. Season lightly with salt and pepper and stir until evenly moistened.
3. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and fill a pie plate with bread crumbs. Scoop scant 1/4-cup mounds of the hearts of palm mixture into the bread crumbs and roll to coat. Form the mounds into eighteen 2-inch cakes and transfer to the baking sheet.
4. Wipe out the nonstick skillet, then add a scant 1/8 inch of oil. Fry half of the cakes over moderate heat, turning once, until crispy, 2 minutes per side. Wipe out the skillet and add clean oil before frying the remaining cakes. Serve the cakes hot.

So that's the official recipe.  I made them  few hours ahead and put them in the fridge; I would recommend you do the same, or else they'll probably fall apart on you.  Mine fell apart a little bit anyway and then individual corn kernels EXPLODED in the oil and sent oil flying everywhere.  NOT COOL MAN.  So watch out for that.

Important Chicken News

If you're here looking for the Bachelorette recap, sorry, sorry, it's not going to be until tomorrow or maybe Thursday but hopefully tomorrow.  Things happened; the center cannot hold; etc., etc.  I'll get to it.

While we're waiting, a bit of news in the Roast Chicken Dept.  As Regular Readers recall, I presented what I believed to be the ne plus ultra of Roast Chicken a while back.  While I stand 100% by that recipe, I have some news on this front that you may or may not find interesting.

America's Test Kitchen is a cooking show that airs, well, all the time on PBS, but which I usually catch on Saturday mornings around 11:30 or 12, I'm not sure, when I'm eating brunch.  The show features an affable, New England-folksy host named Chris Kimball and a number of sidekicks, most notably Julia, who does a lot of the heavy lifting during the cooking portions and has the kind of Virgil role to Chris's Dante, showing him through the shadowy depths of pan sauces and the like, and Adam, the jolly, sometimes bearded Equipment Specialist who tells us the right kind of pastry brush to buy.  All in all, a pleasant ensemble cooking show that specializes in showing you step-by-step techniques to make the ideal versions of recipes, much like its sister magazine, Cook's Illustrated. 

ANYWAY.  The other day we're watching and they claim to have the Perfect Roast Chicken Recipe and they say it's so easy and doesn't involve flipping or brining or the other complicated parts.  COLOR ME INTERESTED CHRIS.  Here's the secret:

1. Preheat an oven-safe skillet inside the oven to 450 degrees. 

2. Cover the bird in olive oil and then salt and pepper it.  That's it.

3. When the oven and the skillet are at 450, put the chicken in the skillet breast side up and then back in the oven for 30 minutes (3.5-4 lbs) to 40 minutes (4-5.5 lbs).  The breast should be around 120 degrees after this portion.

4. Here comes the mindblowing part:  After 30 minutes, TURN THE OVEN OFF and just let the chicken sit inside there for another 30-35 minutes.  Until the breast is around 160 degrees.

5. Then take it out and let it rest for 20 minutes.

I know, right?  The fuck?

Well, we tried it.  It works pretty well!  The meat was really, really tender and moist.  The skin didn't get as crisp as I like (and as you get with the original recipe linked above).  But it is simple, and cuts out the annoying flipping the chicken over step.

(There's also a pan sauce recipe that involves shallots and garlic and butter and chicken broth and if you want that too, just go to the ATK website and register.)

Finally, my work in the gardening field has paid off

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS I have some exciting news.  Because of my status and reach as a Thought Leader and Blogger, I have found myself in a position to choose from a selection of pretty great products.  Confused?  I'll explain.

I got an email yesterday that started like this:

Hi,

My name is [REDACTED] from [REDACTED.COM]. I came across your site 40goingon28.blogspot.com, and it just totally put me in the mood for spring!  Your site is not only refreshing but also makes gardening sound so fun and easy for those who aren't used to growing picture perfect plants like me. Since we have a wide range of gardening equipment, we'd love to collaborate with you.

I know, right?  When you think "gardening," you think of 40goingon28 first, right?  You know those countless thousands of posts I've written about gardening, right?  I mean, gardening is pretty much the focus of my blog!  Who can forget such posts as:

Putting Shit In The Ground and Then Later Eating What Comes Up: Gardening

Gardening: It's Not Just for Schizophrenics and the Elderly Any More!

Can I Grow Opium Poppies And Make My Own Vicodin From Them? Let's Find Out!

Gardening!: The Musical

I do make gardening sound fun and easy, don't I?

REDACTED had a pretty exciting offer for me. She sent me a JPG with some pictures of items.  I get to pick an item and write about it!  Then I get to keep the item!  What could be easier!

Sadly, there was no "gardening equipment" depicted on the flyer, so REDACTED really let me down there.  How am I supposed to keep my readers up to date on gardening without any free #GARDENING #SWAG? You suck, REDACTED.  Now I'm mad at you.

Here's the item I'm picking:

I shit you not, this is exactly how it appeared in the image REDACTED sent me.  $64.99!  That's a fucking BARGAIN.  No word on how big the Disco Ball is, but if the other stuff is to scale, my guess is that it's roughly grapefruit-sized.  A disco ball for the Little People.  They can hang it in their tiny nightclubs and dance under its tiny lights.

Here is my writing about Disco Ball:

TROUBLE IN TINY TOWN

by TK

Marian danced listlessly at Mini Ruby Skye, the best nightclub in town for Little People.  Above her, DISCO BALL turned, sprinkling the tiny nightclub with shards of reflected light.  But its gaily colored lights did not cheer Marian.  For she had been distraught since she broke up with Brad.

Oh look, here was Brad now.  What's this?  He was also dancing beneath rotating DISCO BALL, but with his new girlfriend.  No worry, thought Marian.  They will both die soon.

How was that, REDACTED?  Can I have by Disco Ball now? 

TK & The Wife tour the Birthing Center

Little Baby Beyonce is now the size of a head of cabbage, I am informed, albeit a kicking, thrusting head of cabbage (according to The Wife) and also the most perfect head of cabbage EVER, like the progenitor of the Ur-Slaw, wow is this metaphor ever going awry let's get back on topic.  ANYWAY, as it turns out, hospitals don't let you just cruise in on the Appointed Day and be all "Hola! Let's get a baby out of this woman!"  No, you have to sign up and take a Tour of the Birthing Center first to have a look around and it's sort of like when you show up at an apartment cattle call and everyone awkwardly pokes around except in this situation all the women are pregnant and instead of a formal dining room there's a Lactation Center.

So last night we show up and all the couples convene in one room and then The Wife and I silently judge all the other couples.  There's the Vulpine Shaved Head Guy with a woman in a caftan who's having twins but it looks like it may be triplets or more.  There is a solo guy who is later joined by an Important Business Lady Type who shows up late and talks about her mentor and a seminar she went to the whole time.  Some of the couples already have a toddler with them like they're lording it over us about how "We already did this once" and well aren't you just special.  One of these aforementioned toddlers won't shut the fuck up the whole time and makes it very hard to hear the Patient Navigator who is not, as you may guess, someone in charge of steering a ship who is also very good at waiting but instead is the person at the hospital who is designated to help us out with any non-health-care related things like, I guess, how to work the TV or keep my Mom away from the whole thing as long as possible.

So we trundle off to see some delivery rooms and aftercare rooms or whatever.

Fig. 1 The Whelping-stalls

The actual room where it goes down is pretty nice, with a very fancy bed for the birthing and a couch and stuff and also a TV.  I forgot to ask what cable package they have, but they better have CSN Bay Area because on Beyonce's due date the Giants are at the Brewers at 5:10 p.m. 

There's also an operating room for like C-sections and whatever.  You can bring one support person into the operating room.  The Wife tells me if she has to get opened up I have to come into the OR with her.  I already feel like I'm going to faint.  Mom of Won't Shut Up Toddler asks - and I SWEAR TO GOD I am not making this up - "Can we have a photographer in the operating room?"  The fuck?  You want a professional photographer to shoot your surgery?  Do people do that?  "Hey, I'm getting my gall bladder out on Monday, I'd love to get some color glossies, maybe shoot some video, are you available?"

(The answer, BTW, is you can have one Support Person in the OR.  If that's your photographer, so be it.  Maybe this is my out for not having to go to the OR.  If The Wife has to do that, I'll line up some papparazzi stat.)

At the end we cruise by the nursery.  There was one Actual Baby in there.  Cute!  Seems like a lot of effort to get one, though.

The miniature oranges that WOULDN'T DIE

You know Cuties, right?  They're like miniature oranges that are really easy to peel.  Like somewhere between ping pong ball and cue ball size.

So I'm going to the grocery store and The Wife says "Hey, pick us up some of those Cuties. I want Cuties." So I was like sure and I got a bag of Cuties.

FIRST OBSERVATION:  There are a LOT OF FUCKING CUTIES in a bag of Cuties.

This picture doesn't even do it justice.  There must be 30, 40 Cuties in that bag.  THAT'S A LOT OF MINIATURE ORANGES.

I hate to see things go to waste, so now my life is all about How Many Cuties I Can Throw Down in One Day.  Now, admittedly, they are small - you can eat one in 3 or 4 bites - but it starts to get to be a slog.  Like, I had 5 yesterday and I feel a little guilty.  HAVE ANOTHER CUTIE SON. I'm actually eating one right now.

Things have gotten a little tense.  The Wife is leaving for work and I say, "HOW MANY CUTIES ARE YOU TAKING WITH YOU?"  She looks a little startled.

"Um, three Cuties?"

"NO YOU TAKE FOUR CUTIES, YOU HEAR ME?  YOU NEED TO EAT AT LEAST FOUR MOTHERFUCKING CUTIES TODAY."

She didn't eat any Cuties yesterday.  Situation grim.

UPDATE: I had two this morning.  Seven left.  Going out for a while.  When I come back, EIGHT LEFT, I bet. Cuties are the endless menorah oil that keeps refilling itself of fruit.  (Isn't that the story? I'm not clear on that story. Help me out, Jews.)

I can't believe I just discovered this

I like popcorn. I kind of got into it in the 90's when microwave popcorn first got big. I used to not go to the movies much, which is why (1) I have a huge blind spot for movies, meaning I haven't seen a lot of movies that make people go "Wow, you haven't seen that?" when I tell them I've never seen that. I've never seen Sophie's Choice or Dances With Wolves or any of the American Pie series. I just saw Blade Runner a few months ago, and didn't finish it. Wow, I am really, really getting off topic here, and (2) so I got into microwave popcorn first and theater popcorn second.

So microwave popcorn sucks. Only half the kernels ever pop, and it just doesn't have the right texture or taste. So The Wife bought me an air popper which is awesome if you like to chew on styrofoam packing peanuts.

Then I saw this article about making popcorn on the stove like our ancestors did and I tried it last night and HOLY SHIT I HAVE FOUND THE SOLUTION TO POPCORN. It was so fucking good. I literally can't wait to go home tonight and do it again.

Here's the recipe, if you can even call it a recipe, from the linked article above:

Stovetop Popcorn
Yield: 1 to 3 servings
Time: About 5 minutes

1 generous tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon popcorn kernels
Salt

1. Put the oil in an 8-inch saucepan over medium-high heat. (If you’re using another size saucepan, just use enough oil to cover the bottom in a very thin but unbroken layer.) Add the popcorn; the bottom of the pan should be covered in a single layer of kernels. Cover partially and cook undisturbed until the kernels begin popping. Once the corn is popping in earnest, give the pan an occasional shake.

2. When the popping slows to the point that there’s an interval of 1 to 2 seconds between each pop, remove the pan from the heat and transfer the popcorn to a bowl. Season with salt and serve immediately.

(1-3 servings my ass. 1-1 1/2 servings, more like.)

I mean, GUH-DOI, why did it take me 25 years of popcorn eating to finally realize you could make it like this?

Today in Trail Mix

THIS GOES OUT TO MY FELLOW TRAIL MIX HARDCORES.

When I found Planter's Nut & Chocolate trail mix, I really thought I was on one. Raisins, peanuts, can't-legally-call-them-M&Ms-but-c'mon-they're-M&Ms, cashews, almonds. All the good stuff. Living the dream, basically.

But you guys, I was living a lie. Because now I have found The Truth.

MOTHERFUCKING ARCHER FARMS MONSTER TRAIL MIX



You got your raisins and peanuts and faux M&Ms. Everyone got that. That's nothing new. But you know how Archer Farms is the baddest bitch in the game? For one thing, they put in chocolate chips, too, just so you won't forget about chocolate ever. But then they went and did one more.

FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER CHIPS.

That's right. Those crazy motherfuckers at Archer Farms were all "Trail mix is yesterday's news. What can we do to make it a sensation that will rock and shock trail mixers everywhere?" And one guy goes, "You know what? Peanut butter chips." And then there was a moment of silence in the lab and then everyone started cheering and crying because they knew that guy had just CHANGED THE RULES.

It's the peanut butter chips, I think, that make Archer Farms Monster THE trail mix of the 20-teens. (BTW, is that what we're calling the years 2011-2019? The 20-teens? I could do that.)

So shout out to my fellow Trail Mix Heads: If you're still fucking with that tired old trail mix and you need to shake it up, AFMTM is where it's at. Trail Mix Out.

Product Endorsement: Spotify

DISCLAIMER: I have not received any money for this endorsement. I would totally be open to that, though, so if the endorsee wants to send me a check, have at it.

I know what you've been saying. "If I hear one more thing about the Facebook IPO, I will fucking run into a grocery store and start smashing jars of pickles on the ground and shrieking about my impending suicide." No, what you've actually been saying is "I need a good subscription-based music service that will enable me to listen to anything I want, from my fave slow jamz to Pavement's 'Slanted and Enchanted' to the new Beach House (which is pretty great, BTW) on my computer at home or work or, fuck it, on my cell."

I joined Spotify about a month ago and I fucking love it.

Here's the thing: the basic version, where you can just listen to any fucking thing you want on your computer? Is free. It has ads, but what do you want? FREE.

I'm kind of a big deal, so I went ahead and sprung for the $10/month Premium version. No ads, first of all. And I can access it on my mobile. So far so good, right? Well hold on to your fucking hat. You can even listen to it on your mobile OFFLINE. So dial up Nas' "Illmatic" and set it to "Available Offline" and listen to it reclined in seat 14A on the way to MIAMI BABY. Or wherever it is you go.

I know I sound like a hopeless shill. But I am telling you the truth, this was like the fifth or sixth best thing that's ever happened to me.

(The catalog seems pretty deep, too. I've only searched for a couple of things they didn't have, and it was admittedly some pretty obscure shit. So I think you'll be fine.)

IN OTHER NEWS, I have recently moved to an area near the Bay to Breakers course, so I'll be close to that for the first time in years and years. I'm interested to see what it's like these days. When I used to live near-ish the only thing I remember was being woken up by helicopters but that's when I used to sleep until like 1 pm on Sundays and I don't really do that any more cause I'm old now.

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND. HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY DOG.

SPD in SNMA

Everyone knows that St. Patrick's Day in San Francisco is a shitshow, and since it fell on a Saturday this year, we figured it would be even worse, so we got the fuck out of town and went up to Sonoma to do some wine tasting and so forth.

A few observations:

- Two, yes, TWO different wineries dyed their chardonnay green for tasting. Green beer I can understand. Green chardonnay is repulsive. One of the wineries said that someone who bought the chardonnay asked that the bottle they bought be dyed green. What. The. Fuck.

- The SPD stuff at wineries other than that was pretty mellow. Tasting room employees wearing green and saying "Happy St. Patrick's Day" was about it. Some of the people on those limo winery tours were wearing beads and stuff, but no big thing.

- In downtown Healdsburg, there were definitely drunk people wandering around wearing SPD paraphernalia, but the intense partying seemed confined to one townie-type bar we passed.

- We were a little wined out by dinner and ate at Bear Republic's brewpub in Healdsburg. I finally caved and got the corned beef & cabbage, which was surprisingly good. We tried three different beers and they were all fine. Nothing set me on fire or anything.

- I think the best places we went were probably Mill Creek and John Tyler. Coincidentally, we were the only people there at both places.