Thursday, January 7, 2016

The See's Candy Demystifier

Oh hey it's just post-holiday-season which means every work kitchen has an open box of See's candy leftover from some gift or sent back from some client that didn't leave a forwarding address.  What the fuck is in those, anyway?

1 - Oh good, just normal chocolate OH SHIT SOME KIND OF RASPBERRY GOO JUST SHOT OUT FUCK

2 - Literally a bar of peanuts

3 - Some kind of nougat/uinidentifiable nut thing

4 - Why is the center of this rock hard? Wait, it's pulling apart now but it's lodged in my teeth shit it's gonna pull a tooth out

5 - Dopey Clusters

6 - Just a couple of almonds with a thunk of chocolate loosely holding them together

7 - The only good one.  They move it around and put it in a different place in every box so you'll never find it again.

8 - Looks like the good one but actually has anchovy paste under a thin layer of chocolate.  GOTHA MOTHERFUCKER

9 - Hazelnut paste and broken promises

10 - What, just more chocolate inside chocolate? OK, this one is ok.

11 - They call this one El Diablo.  No one knows why.

12 - Actual maple tree sap, like with bits of bark and ants still in it and shit.

13 - You think it's another peanut bar but hidden inside is deadly fugu fish. You have 8 minutes to live, run don't walk to the nearest Japanese ER.

14 - Swirls of Hate

15 - Some kind of mint thing. It's OK.

16 - Walnuts 'N Roofing Tar

17 - Monkey foot

18 - Just some shit swept up off the factory floor and dropped into a paper sleeve

19 - Macadmia nuts on top, who the fuck knows underneath

20 - The Admiral Akbar

21 - It's a Snickers Fun Size, don't tell anyone

22 - This one's called Chocolate Suicide because Crystal killed herself the first day we made these oh God Crystal I miss you so much

23 - Chocolate so dark it makes Requiem for a Dream look like My Little Pony

24 - Now we're just fucking with you and seeing how many of these cheap-ass Payday knockoff peanut bars we can drop in here without you noticing

25 - I think this is the one made w/ hemp butter but I'm not 100% sure hang out for a while and see if Sheila in Accounting starts talking about the faces of the Buddha


Anonymous said...

Don't eat The Admiral Akbar. It's a trap!

Greg said...

this post is going to be a holiday classic, along with watching 24 hours of "A Christmas Story"

TK said...

Sonia - Oh yeah, I guess that's what he says! I meant more that it's a frequently overlooked but still vital piece of the candy rebellion.

Greg - Thanks. I've never seen the Christmas Story so hopefully that's good and not bad like watching 24 hours of "Jingle All the Way"

Rachel said...

I was in Spain when Jingle All the Way was in the theaters... There, it was called Un Papa en Apurros (Dad's in a hurry (?))

This is great stuff, TK, as always!

Unknown said...

Will you be recapping this season of the bachelor? Your recaps are the best motivation for me to get through yet another season!

TK said...

Rachel - Hopefully you weren't deceived by the title into actually watching it. And thanks!

Beatrice - I'm so sorry. I can't. I just can't. Maybe again sometime in the future?