The Bachelor: Bitches Love Capes. It's True.

I have a confession to make: I've known that he picked Lizard Queen to be his Baby-Voiced Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Bride since before the season started. I was reading one of those reality TV websites and ignored the ***SPOILER WARNING**** and plowed ahead and found out. Did it diminish my enjoyment of the season? Not really. The only thing that can diminish your enjoyment of "The Bachelor" is having an IQ over 68 or not being home-schooled.

(To the very nice reader who wanted me to join her Bachelor office pool: This is why I couldn't.)

OK! Enough with the jibber jabber. Let's watch this fool get engaged. We are still in Switzerland, now joined by Mom and Sister Julie. B's hair has now reached Dead Animal Left in a Car Trunk in 98 Degree Heat For 2 Weeks level. Here comes Linz! They have some lunch with the Gurlz and Linz is drunk or something and keeps dropping shit. Girlfriend has also developed some Stress Zits. Mom and Sis both interview her. Linz feels like Sis is going to grill her, but Julie mostly just wants to hear herself talk. Blah blah blah I'm so interesting whatever. Oh, she wants to know about Courtney! Linz wants to say "That bitch cray" but tactfully refrains. She gets the Handsome Sister Hug of Approval. Everyone likes Linz. Hey, O/T and all, but what language do they speak in Switzerland? Just curious.

Courtney Day! Here she comes, slurring and baby talking. "Do you like me? Do you like me a little bit?" she says. Ugh, I like you to shut up. Anyway, she meets the fam and Julie takes her out on the balcony for the Plain Girl's Revenge. C says all those other girls were very mean to her. For some reason, Sis and Mom both think Courtney is just fucking awesome. I guess that Model-Fu works on chicks too. Later, Mom and Sis and B all sit down and Sis wants him to pick Courtney! Are you sure about this, Sis? Do you want a 98-pound model sitting next to you at Thanksgiving when you're shoving mashed potatoes and pie into your gullet and crying about how you can't keep a relationship going? You will hate that bitch so fucking much. Think about it.

Alright, Date with Linz. She says it "could be their last date" so she goes all out by throwing on a white T-shirt and no makeup. Don't knock yourself out trying to look good, Lindzi! Combing your hair is for SUCKERS! Anyway, carriage ride, sure, gondola picnic, sure, fondue, check. In fact, ABC has shoehorned fondue into every possible scene because Switzerland, right? They eat fondue like every day there, right? Linz says she can see them together and if this is her opening up there is a lot of boring inside. For the Night Portion, Linz throws on a nicer top but still won't take the Makeup Plunge. B stops by her room for wine and a lot of blah blah blah and let's stop pretending here. You are a Dead Chick Walking and the stench of failure is already heavy upon you.

Courtney Date next. Oh, of course, here comes the helicopter, which she calls a "helichopper" because she's an idiot. They fly up and around the Matterhorn and Ben tells her that on the other side of the mountains is Italy and she goes "Oh, I heard about that." About what? The existence of a country called Italy? I bet you did! They stop off for an impromptu mountain picnic/sledding event and God I just cannot stand her and let's just fucking get this over with. That night, he stops by her room (where, I note, the Ubiquitous Fondue Pot sits at the ready) and she has a gift for him! It's a book of pictures of them that ABC gave her! Then it's time for some Relationship Talk. Since they had an uncomfortably long interval not talking about her, she has to bring it back to herself and how she needs positive feedback and this frightens and confuses Bad Hair and meanwhile warning bells are LITERALLY going off in the background.

Let's get to the Proposal and GTFO. So, it's the big day. Everyone's wearing capes like they're Draculettes or in a Disney movie. We've got a proposal site set up on a mountaintop like some kind of Druid Altar and human sacrifice looks good right about now. Linz arrives, FINALLY wearing a little lipstick, but too little too late. As soon as he gets to the "But..." she knows and gives him some serious side-eye. As if this whole thing isn't humiliating enough, Linz piles on herself by saying "If things don't work out, call me?" Oh, sweetie. You could do better. The cameraman is better.

Alright, let's give this bitch a ring. She shows up all Capey and Elbow-Glovey like she's Vapidella de Ville and she valiantly says she could "possibly love him forever." Yeah, better not to commit to too much at this stage. So he asks her and she gets emotional once she sees the bigass rock ABC bought her. "I love it," she says. Finally, I get the feeling she's not bullshitting. The end.

Oh, not the end. There's a special with Chris Harrison and lots of crying. They're still together. Oh wait, no they're not. Oh, maybe they are. Everyone cries. This is more boring than that "How It's Made" about how they make potting soil. Anyway, let's move on with our lives and pretend none of this ever happened.

Presenting the Results of TK's First Annual Vodka Tasting

THE COMPETITORS:


L-R: Skyy Citrus, Belvedere, Smirnoff, Stolichnaya, Ketel One

CONTROVERSY!!!: I didn't realize I bought Skyy Citrus so when the tasters remarked that Vodka #1 tasted "fruity," I didn't understand. Whoops. Shouldn't have used that one.

THE METHOD

Blind tasting. There were three tasters: The Wife, The Sister, and Periqueblend. Each received 1/3 oz of the vodka. The tasters did gave each vodka a score from 1 to 10.

THE RESULTS ARE IN.

A clear victory for capitalism and wealth! The most expensive vodka, Belvedere, won, with 27 out of a possible 30 points. Second place was Ketel One, with 26 points. Then Smirnoff, with 23 points, Stoli with 18, and finally Skyy Citrus (again, whoops) with 13.

TASTING NOTES

#1 (Skyy)

The Wife: "This has some kind of a fruit taste"

The Sister: "It burns"

Periqublend: "It's sweet or something"

#2 (Smirnoff)

The Wife: "This is the Belvedere"

The Sister: "Now we're talking."

Periqueblend: "Very smooth."

#3 (Ketel One)

The Wife: "No, this one is the Belvedere."

The Sister: "This is better than the last one."

Periqueblend: "I want to do this same thing but with whiskey."

#4 (Stoli)

The Wife: "This is better than the first one."

The Sister: "This is booty. Mid-shelf."

Periqueblend: "Clean. Not that bad."

#5 (Belvedere)

The Wife: "Really smooth. This has to be the Belvedere."

The Sister: "This is good. This is the best one."

Periqueblend: "Is there some kind of fruity thing going on?"

We need a new SF mnemonic

As you know if you live in SF and as I'm about to tell you if you don't, San Francisco has a few sets of parallel streets with timed lights that basically function as substitute freeways to make it easier to get from one part of town to the other. Going East-West, there's Bush/Pine and Fell/Oak. North-South, there's Gough and Franklin. Here, I made you a map:



(Side note, I've long suspected that stretches of Turk and Golden Gate have timed lights too, and this entry on Quora seems to back that up. Also 19th Ave, but the traffic on 19th is so bad you usually can't get a good enough speed going to take advantage of the timed lights for more than one or two intersections. Anyway.)

SO. If you're like me, you're somewhat absent-minded/brain-damaged and can't remember shit and so you need a mnemonic device to help you remember which direction these streets go. I learned these mnemonics 20 years ago and I still use them constantly:

Bush to the bay; Pine to the Pacific

(i.e., Bush goes East and Pine goes West); and

Fell to the fog; Oak to Oakland

(A little more abstract, but still sensical. Fell goes West, towards the fogbound Avenues, and Oak goes East, towards Oakland. More importantly, the on-ramp for the Bay Bridge used to be directly off of Oak. Now you have to turn on Octavia and all that bullshit, but still, Oak takes you to Oakland.)

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM. I have never heard a good mnemonic for Franklin and Gough and as a result I still to this day can't remember which one goes north and which one goes south.

As it happens, Franklin goes north from Market Street and Hayes Valley to Bay Street in the Marina, and Gough does just the opposite. BUT LET'S THINK OF A WAY TO REMEMBER THAT.

Franklin ends roughly at Fort Mason; we could do Franklin to Fort Mason? Meh, not crazy about that. It ends in the Marina; Franklin to Family Money? Franklin to Fairly Recent College Graduate? Franklin to Future Orinda Resident? Gotten tighten it up. Has to be one word, I think.

What about Gough? Grove Street is at the top of Hayes Valley; Gough to Grove? That's embarrassingly weak. I got nothing.

The Bachelor: Fake Confessional/Clip Show

What happens is, every season before the last episode, Chris Harrison calls everyone together to sit in a studio with an audience and fight about what happened that season and make some people cry hopefully and also show a lot of clips. Last night it was called "The Women Tell All" but nobody really told anything. I watched it anyway because I'm retarded and in for a penny and whatnot.

We started out by taking a look at Where Past Contestants Are Now. From the looks of the footage we saw, they're contracting STDs in Vegas. Oh look, there's Frank! I always had a soft spot for Frank. He was so dopey and stupid that it almost seemed unfair to put him on the show. The way he's leering at Ali, I hope his child bride Nicole isn't watching.

Anyway. Back to the studio. Oh God, they're trotting Shawntel out AGAIN. What the fuck is it, ABC? What is your strange uncontrollable attraction to Shawntel that you have to keep bringing her on this show? Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with, ABC? And then ignore her texts and talk bad about her behind her back and be all "Yeah, whatever, I was never into her," even though you totally are, ABC? Why don't you just do that?

Chris does some interviews with Emily and Kacie (whose highlight package make the audience cry!) and FINALLY we get to Courtney. Everybody piles on Courtney. Monica says she's a "liar" and "vapit," whatever that means. Wait, there's something off about Courtney. She's not sucking her lips into her lizard head and she's not talking her Sedated Baby Voice. What the fuck? She's sort of normal and contrite!!! Why are you fucking with us, Courtney? What strange sorcery is this? I guess those acting lessons are paying off! So she apologizes like a million times and fake cries and gets a special crying SUV to leave in. Huh.

Let's bring out that flat-haired doofus for a talk. Nicki says "You are the best man I've ever met in my entire life." Jesus Christ, Nicki. Where did you grow up, inside a prison or something? Bitch needs to get out more. Jamie wants him to know that she'll be around if things don't work out. Damn girl, desperate much?

We'll finally conclude this shitshow next week. Then next season we get Emily. Ugh. Already dreading that. You know who needs to be the 'rette? Emily from THIS season. She's cute and is one of the few contestants in the history of the show who seems to have a sense of humor or any actual personality beyond I'm Not Here to Make Friends and I'm Here For the Right Reasons and Please Love Me Please Please Please My Daddy Never Said He Loved Me. Yeesh.

Let's talk about that guy who killed that mountain lion for a second

Have you ever thought "I wonder what the mission of the California Fish and Game Commission is"? Yes? Well, wonder no more:

The Mission of the California Fish and Game Commission is, on behalf of California citizens, to ensure the long term sustainability of California's fish and wildlife resources by:

Guiding the ongoing scientific evaluation and assessment of California's fish and wildlife resources;

Setting California's fish and wildlife resource management policies and insuring these are implemented by the Department of Fish and Game;

Establishing appropriate fish and wildlife resource management rules and regulations; and

Building active fish and wildlife resource management partnerships with individual landowners, the public and interest groups, and federal, State and local resource management agencies.

TL;DR? I'll nutshell it for you: the job of the FGC is basically to set wildlife policy in California and make sure that existing policy gets enforced. Hunting mountain lions in California has been illegal since 1971. Here's a picture of California Fish and Game Commission President Daniel Richards:



Hey, what's that dead thing he's holding? Oh, it's a mountain lion he shot in Idaho in January, NBD. As it happens, shooting mountain lions is perfectly legal in Idaho. Daniel Richards didn't break any laws. Still, tons of people are super pissed and somehow Gavin Newsom got involved and wants him to resign.

(I love how Gavin got elected Lieutenant Governor, an office which has the power roughly equivalent to an attendant at a Citgo station, and has ever since struggled mightily to keep his face on the news. His clawing for relevance is amusing, to say the least. I was surprised when he didn't show up for the America's Got Talent auditions in SF last week. I hear his rendition of "Misty" is heartbreaking.)

So we can all agree that Richards didn't break any laws by shooting and then eating the mountain lion ("It doesn't taste like chicken," he told conservative talk radio hosts John and Ken in Los Angeles. "The closest thing is pork loin. It's a white meat. It's really good, and actually in frontier times it was a delicacy because it's tough to bag one of them."). So what's the big deal?

I think it's a perception thing. It just doesn't feel right that the guy who's in charge of busting anyone who shoots a mountain lion gleefully crosses the border into another state to shoot a mountain lion. It's like if we had a police chief who made a big deal about busting hookers (I know, but it's a thought experiment, play along) went to the Mustang Ranch in Nevada and took pictures and bragged about what a great prostitute he had sex with. Doesn't it seem kinda hypocritical or something?

I mean, say you shoot a mountain lion in California (and you're not the police - they seem to shoot mountain lions with some regularity) and you get (rightfully) hauled into court. Wouldn;t you feel like saying "But hey, the guy who's in charge of busting me just did the same thing!" I know, different state, but still, it's a perception thing.

Anyway, who knows how the whole thing will turn out. He seems like kind of a jerk who enjoys pushing people's buttons, so that probably doesn't help. I'll guarantee you one thing, though - the one animal California Fish and Game Commission President Daniel Richards wishes it was legal to shoot in California is Gavin Newsom.

Todays' Worst Groupon of the Day

Lily European Pedi-Mani Salon – San Mateo
One or Three Adult Deluxe Mani-Pedi Packages or One Kids' Deluxe Mani-Pedi Package

Yes, that's right. A KIDS' DELUXE MANI-PEDI PACKAGE. At first, I was all like "Maybe they mean teenagers." But no, the Fine Print says "Must be 15 or under for children's option."

That's fucked.

I mean, it's bad enough these days with the overprotective helicopter parents and the kids being super-indulged and running around crazy in restaurants while the parents sigh and say "Isn't Colton adorable?" But this is fucked up. If you think your 8-year-old needs a mani-pedi, you are hereby sentenced to watch 10 episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras" UNIRONICALLY. That means no laughing/no making fun of anyone on that show.

If your child needs nail work done, get some nail clippers from Walgreens and go to town. But if you strongly believe that your child would benefit from having its "feet soak in a bacteria-free crystal pedicure bowl filled with fragrant rose petals and orange slices" and then having someone "exfoliate feet and invigorate lower legs with a soothing massage before daubing epidermal canvases with a moisturizing mask and a coat of warm, skin-softening paraffin wax," you are part of the problem and not part of the solution. You probably don't vaccinate either and you're the reason we're all going to die of whooping cough and rubella. Thanks a lot.

The Bachelor: You are fucking this up, dude

For whatever reason, ABC has decided to take this traveling shitshow to Switzerland, possibly because we have exhausted our island/tropical destinations or maybe just to infuse the EU with some American TV cash. In any case, Our Journey begins with Ben Flathair being shown to a First Class seat on Swissair, where he can gaze meaningfully out the window and burn 10 minutes recapping everything he did with the Final Three. Yawn. During this reverie, he refers to Courtney as a "little nerdy," which is patently ridiculous.

Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.

Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.

Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.

For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.

It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.

Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.



Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.

OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.

OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.

Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.