Friday, September 4, 2015

Million Dickhead Listing SF: This is the end

Friends, we have reached the End of our Journey, but instead of a man fake-proposing on one knee with a garish Neal Lane ring, we instead have a bunch of assholes giving money to a bunch of vipers.  Sigh, such is life.

The producers are obviously trying to make the Justin-Roh conflict a Thing because we pick up with them slapfighting while Strokes Haircut stands limply to the side.  I don't care, this whole thing is obviously staged and lame and even Justin insulting Roh by telling him he's from Hayward doesn't even make it more interesting, even if it is true.

Justin is still trying to sell that firehouse with all the fucking stairs and people are still bitching about all the fucking stairs.  He's trying to talk the owner into putting in a $100K elevator and she won't elevate so she's just going to take it off the market and wait for a "better time" like WHAT THE FUCK LADY what's a "better time" to sell real estate in San Francisco than right fucking this second?  "Nah, I don't want 500K over asking, I want the sky-god Namaroth to personally invest me with the power to transmute objects and rain fire from the heavens onto the skulls of my enemies.  Also a 5-day close.  Those are my terms."

The whole Justin-Roh playfight climaxes with a lunch at Sens where they're trying to make a deal and it makes professional wrestling look like a Ken Burns documentary.  There's some fucking bidding war that's about as exciting as the silent auction at St. Ingrid's Spring Fling.  Whatever.  Later, Justin is finally getting his own place like a real grownup!  Based on the view, I think it's maybe Buena Vista?  You think?


The fact that he's renting a place not in the Marina is shocking to me.  Just picturing him anywhere outside the Marina or South Beach is hard.

Andrew's still dealing with Joffrey and Mom and the $20 million dump in Tiburon.  There's a $17 million offer from a "couple from Norway."  I bet it's the Ikeas!  Isn't Ikea from Norway?  Or Sweden.  One of those.  One of those Viking/blonde/slash through the letter O places.  Anyway, since they seem to be buying it as an investment, Mom thinks they're "not the right people."  FINALLY, someone is discriminating against stunningly beautiful blonde people.  ABOUT FUCKING TIME.  Keep moving, Horgor.  We don't like your kind around here.

Instead of selling to Billy Bookshelf, Mom decides to RENT the fucking place out like it's a studio on Craigslist, except this studio is on 6 acres and rents for ONE HUNDRED FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH.  That better include water and garbage.  Other than the residents.  KA-POW SEE WHAT I DID THERE!!!! PWNED!!!!

Fittingly, Andrew's new office that is under construction appears to be in Pleasanton, from which fiance Paaaaal says he'll "take over San Francisco."  From fucking Pleasanton?  Right, just like the Falklands took over Yorkshire.  Try taking over Tracy first, just to warm up.

So that's it.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

SFist or SFGate comment?

Regular readers of SFist and SFGate may have noticed that the comments on SFist stories have . . . . changed lately.  Let's just say that the comment section at SFist, once a fairly SF-representative - and by that, I mean "progressive" or maybe just "stoned," I guess - place, has begun to resemble the comment section at crosstown non-rival SFGate, whose commenters run the gamut from slightly more conservative to batshit crazy.

Let's take a recent local story, as reported in both organs. The story involves a man who was smoking at the West Oakland station and when cops confronted him they say he freaked out and "resisted violently" and then when he was trying to pull a gun out he accidentally shot himself.  I mean, that's what the cops say happened.  I have no idea what actually happened because I wasn't there.  None of the commenters you will read were there either, as far as I know.

SFGate:


And SFist:


Below are a selection of comments.  HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN.  Try to guess which site the comment came from, SFist or SFGate.  Ready?

It usually isn't ordinary tobacco I smell at Bart stations. Now we got a mix of gun smoke mixed in as well. Glad he accidently shot himself before he could shoot anyone else.
Great. Here come the white guilt protests tonight, please don't fuck up my commute home, kthx.
Considering they shut down part of the freeway the other night in protest of a car jacker with a gun getting shot by OPD, I think there will definitely be a protest about this.
Where are the protesters? I guess black lives don't matter in Oakland.
BART should close West Oakland, Fruitvale and MacArthur stations. Trips would get faster and crime would drop. I'd say close 16th St. in SF also but that area is gentrifying quite a bit (except the area right around the BART station, ironically).

This all means something, I guess.

Answers: gate, fist, fist, gate, gate

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The world according to kid

WARNING: Content may be construed as daddy-blogging.  Enjoy or avoid as your preference may be.



This is our kid.  She's about 2 1/2 years old now.  She's like a little person now.  I mean, she was a little person the whole time, but when they're like 6 months old they're basically just a blob you put food into and remove waste from the outside of, and now she is starting to get independent and talks in roughly complete sentences and has LOTS OF OPINIONS ABOUT THINGS.  Maybe they will interest you.  Maybe they won't.  The Wife is out of town for a while here and I'm putting these here for her benefit just as much as yours.

On Food

"This tastes like orange" (eating an orange)

"This tastes like a pouch" (eating a pouch)

(After hearing what we're having for dinner) "Oh, that sounds really delicious"

"I want juice and milk in the same cup."  (Ew, no.)

On Familial Relationships

(Apropos of nothing, to me) "I'm your daughter."

"Mama's a big daughter"

(To every other guy boarding the N Judah) "That's not my dada."

(One guy said "No it is not," with a sense of relief? Or something?)

Misc.

(After I tickled her) "You need to calm down." (Pause) "We both need to calm down."

Her: "Shit. Shit. Shit."

Me: "What are you saying?"

Her: "Shit. Shit. Shit the odor."

Me: (lightbulb going off) "Shrek?  Shrek the ogre?"

Her: "Yes. Shit the odor."

While driving the car



"I'm looking for a parking spot."

Obviously a San Franciscan.

As I alluded to on Twitter, the experience of solo parenting (day 5 of 10 today, yay) has imbued in me a newfound respect for single parents.  We're very lucky because she's a pretty easygoing kid and is usually great to be around, but still, sometimes you just want to hand them off and be like "Here, you deal with this for a while" and having someone else around makes that possible most of the time.  So hats off, single parents. 

Friday, August 28, 2015

Million Dickhead Listing SF: Tonight, on a Very Special Million Dickhead Listing

Sorry I missed last week.  It was boring.  I mean, they're all boring, but it was even more boring than usual.  You didn't miss anything.

Not like this week is The Wire or anything, but it had its moments.  Andrew, who apparently does not actually sell any houses in San Francisco itself, is off in Tiburon with some 10,000 square foot pile that is ugly as fuck on the outside but I guess someone's idea of nice inside.  The current owners are some British lady and her dead-eyed son who seems like a slightly more malevolent Tom Cruise in Risky Business.


The lad, "Louis," has agreed to be this episode's villain because I guess it looks good on an application to Dartmouth.  In a continuous quest to become more disturbing, the next time we see Louis his jaw is wired shut because he "got jumped by a couple of guys" and now he talks like a super preppy Marlon Brando in The Godfather.  Louis appears to be the Point Jerk in making this sale and is not impressed with Andrew's meager efforts.  ARE YOU A CAN-DREW OR A CAN'T-DREW.  Oh fuck I'm sorry.  To appease Yung Tyrant, Andrew has a big open house that's like Project X for old rich white people.  Caligula orders him boiled alive in a vat of cheap pinot and Axe body spray.

Tonight we will go on a Very Special Journey with Roh as he learns to respect other cultures, even if he does not agree with them.  Speaking of, through circumstances too convoluted to explain, I found myself at the Battery last night, that private club we all made fun of a couple of years ago when it opened.  It's nice enough inside and is populated entirely by people who look like Justin from this show and his clients.  Also, beers are $9 WHAT WHAT.

ANYWAY GETTING BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, Roh goes to meet a gay couple at their pad on Potrero Hill that's all sleek and Architectural Digest and Japanese garden and then he has a problem with them because they want to adopt a kid and Roh's not sure he can live with that until his wife explains to him that he needs to be more accepting blah blah blah the whole thing is wildly obviously staged but I guess it's all for the best if it makes some other Muslim real estate agent watching TV reconsider his internal biases.  The real question is why a gay couple wouldn't fire on the spot some asshole who told them he wasn't sure he could accept them adopting a child.  There are only like seven million real estate agents in this town and people will basically drive up and hurl bags of money at them for their pad so why even listen to this oh it's for TV never mind.

Justin is going to try and sell one of the two units in that old firehouse you see every time you go to Twin Peaks.


It's got a lot of stairs.  A ;LOT OF STAIRS PEOPLE.  This is apparently very daunting even to the young, shallow, and presumably fit, and there's lots of talk about installing an elevator like JUST WALK UP THE STAIRS FATTY YOU CAN QUIT YOUR GYM MEMBERSHIP.  To sell Stair Nightmare, Justin decides to hold a "sexy fun event" like "Cole Valley has never seen" but I'm pretty sure Cole Valley has seen a salami and cheese plate before Justin.  Oh he also gets some Chippendales dressed up like firemen to make it super fucking awkward for everyone involved.  It appears that the buyers are all about Dat Horizontal Life and don't want this Escher painting turned $3M condo.

Later, Justin shows up at Roh's open house with some guy with a Strokes haircut and they get in a big fight.  Justin and Roh, not the guy with the Strokes haircut.  His only beef is with his stylist.  I mean, I hope so.  I'm not sure what they were fighting about but it seemed real serious.  We'll find out next week.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I love this story as an allegory of the new new San Francisco

Something's afoot at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium!  We don't know what.  Nobody knows. You're not allowed to find out about it.

I stole this from the Chroncile's web site. The whole story doesn't appear to be on SFGate? They're hiding that from you too.
From our friends at the Chronicle:

Dozens of parking spaces surrounding Bill Graham Civic Auditorium are closed for nearly a month. Lanes of traffic on Grove Street and Hayes Street are shut down in the already congested area. Sidewalks around the building are blocked off.
Police officers and private security guards on Tuesday formed a perimeter around the building, huge air conditioning machines were in place outside, and the city’s Planning Department is considering allowing the temporary removal of the huge glass windows on the facade for signage.
Something big is being planned. But what?
The online tech rumor mill is speculating that the auditorium could be the site of Apple’s annual autumn media reveal, the date for which is likely to be Sept. 9.
A monthlong hassle for Civic Center users for a one-day presentation of the next iPhone? It’s certainly possible, but everybody involved claimed not to know or wouldn’t say.
“I’m even the landlord of the building, and they won’t tell me,” said Rob Reiter, project director for the Civic Center. “I’ve never seen anything like it before, but I’m just a guy in the basement,” he said of his office in the bowels of City Hall.

Hahahaha.  Did you get that?  The fucking self-described LANDLORD OF THE BUILDING doesn't know because the Actual People in Charge of Our Garbage City have patted him on the head and told him he doesn't need to know.

(Also, I assume Rob Reiter is a nice guy and whatever but he really sounds beaten down by life to the point where he describes himself as "just a guy in the basement.")

Furthermore,

The Planning Department is reviewing a permit request from Another Planet to remove four huge windows from the Grove Street facade of the building, secure them with bubble wrap (yes, bubble wrap) and install temporary signage. Drawings on the permit request show big stars would be placed in the window-shaped signs.

The tech industry so thoroughly owns and operates this town now that it can command total secrecy as it reconfigures a PUBLICLY OWNED THEATER and maybe even swaps out the fucking GLASSWORK to its own specs.  We are all truly players on Apple's stage.  I guess that makes us iMovie elements. San Francisco is their set, and we just live here now.  Someone has to populate the background of EXT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT.

(Also, "big stars" in the windows sounds tacky as fuck, but what do I know, I'm not a technology conglomerate with a mayor on retainer, I'm just a doofus with a blog that operates thanks to a different technology conglomerate with the same mayor on retainer.)

Supervisor Jane Kim, whose district includes the auditorium, said she’d heard the Apple rumor but didn’t know for sure. Police officers and guards standing out front said they didn’t know, either.
Even the fucking cops don't know.  "Hey man, what are you guarding inside there that's so valuable?"  "Fuck if I know!"  HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHO TO SHOOT THEN OR IF SOMETHING IS GOING WRONG.

Maybe you'll find out.  Maybe you won't.  Maybe Apple will have its next product launch in your fucking kitchen.  Shut the fuck up and don't eat all the English muffins, there's important people coming through.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Let's see what's going on over at Nextdoor dot com



I think I saw a brown person. What should I do?
Sandra Hofnagel from Volvo Heights

Hi neighbors - I don't want to scare anyone unnecessarily, but I'm 99% sure I just saw a brown person on the sidewalk here in the neighborhood. It looked like he might have been drinking from a can which I suspect was probably "malt liquor" or another kind of crime drink. He was casually glancing at some of the houses on my street which is known as CASING THE JOINT. He also has some kind of backpack which I assume was full of stolen goods.  I didn't call the police but I certainly will if I see another one.  Be careful out there!

Preston thanked Sandra


Skip Teva from Broey Valley
Thanks for the warning, Sandra! I too have seen a brown or dark brown person in the neighborhood but just assumed he was on his way to catch a bus after being released from prison. I didn't think about the possibility that he could be committing brand new crimes! You've opened our eyes. Thanks. Yes, definitely call the police or the army next time.
Please leash your dogs!  
Phil Angina from Cattle Guard
I know that you think you have your dog under "mind control" but as others have said IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO KEEP YOUR DOG ON A LEASH. Just last night an unleashed dog got into my garbage area and made a mess of things.  I managed to snap a picture of the doggie (see below) and if this is your dog YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.



Preston thanked Phil

New market in neighborhood "Wall Green's"
Dorothy Smak from Inner Matlock

It looks like they finally got rid of that eyesore cafe with the whipped cream drinks and replaced it with a beautiful new market, "Wall Green's." I couldn't believe all the merchandise and it was so clean! The little Oriental girl who helped me find some new reading glasses was as nice as she could be. There was a man asking for money outside but I don't believe he is affiliated with Wall Green's.  Do yourself a favor and visit Wall Green's.

Preston thanked Dorothy

Free kittens!
Bebe Good from Spackle Hill

Our mama cat Siamese B. Anthony had another litter and we've got 8 adorable cuddly kittens to give away!  Free to a good home!

Preston thanked Bebe


Peacewind Sandpainting from Toggletown
Um, I hope you realize you're perpetuating the patriarchy and the oppression of all living things by suggesting that kittens can be given away like feelings or crystals. ANIMALS ARE NOT PROPERTY. I suggest you place the kittens in a human-free setting after they've been treated for PTSD arising from your horrible attempts to dominate them.
Gerhard Vorschlicter from Mountain Valley
I would like to rent a house soon I spend 2-3 days in the city per month so nothing too expensive but it should be spacious and cleaned regularly also a dining room table and a chair

Suspicious bicycle
Brick Oven from Shanty Creek

There's a bicyle parked in front of my house right now. It's been there for several hours.  If someone doesn't claim it soon I'm going to saw it in half and put the pieces under my neighbor's ugly Scion.

Preston thanked Brick

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

TK's Recipe of the Week: Gnocchi with Bacon and Escarole

Pasta used to be just dump a sauce over some noodles and call it a day.  Well, fuck that.  Here's how you do pasta: some kind of pasta + some kind of meat + some kind of green + something red.  I like gemelli and Italian sausage and spinach and chopped tomatoes.  This recipe is another version of that.  It's super easy to make but looks hella fancy like from a restaurant.  

I know what you're saying.  "Is gnocchi pasta?"  I don't know, ask Quora.  Who gives a fuck.  This tastes good.

I think I originally got this recipe from Food Network or something.  I definitely stole this picture from Food Network.



Ingredients

3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into 1/4-inch pieces.
1/2 onion, chopped
1 small head escarole, roughly chopped
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
1 17 .5-ounce package potato gnocchi
1 1/2 cups cherry tomatoes, halved
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (about 1 ounce)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

Heat the olive oil in a large pot or Dutch oven or something over medium-high heat. Add the bacon and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned and crisp, about 7 minutes. Add the onion and continue cooking until softened, about 2 minutes. Stir in the escarole, 1/2 teaspoon salt and a few grinds of pepper. Cook until the escarole is completely wilted, about 3 minutes.  Then stir in the tomatoes.

WHILE ALL THAT IS GOING ON, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the gnocchi and cook as the label directs. It usually takes like 2 minutes and gnocchi comes with its own built-in timer that works like this: when it pops up to the surface of the water, it's ready!  How cool is that? Reserve 1/2 cup cooking water, then drain the gnocchi and add to the pot with the escarole mixture. Add the reserved cooking water and stir to coat, about 1 minute. (Or you can skip the reserved cooking water thing; I usually do, and nothing bad happens.  I guess it's good if the gnocchi starts to stick together but whatever.)  Sprinkle some parsley on top.  Bask in the warm glow of a job well done.