Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Your Complete 2015 Guide to Complaining About the Outside Lands Music Festival

1. The Lineup

Wilco?  Mumford & Sons?  The Black Keys?  More like Outside Dads, amirite?  And Elton John, for Chrissake?  That's not dad rock, that's great-grandad rock.  At least there's not a comedy joke band as a headliner, like they had one year.

Did you hear what Wilco did at the Pitchfork festival a couple of weeks ago?  The day before the thing started, they released a new album on iTunes or something and then they started their set at the festival by playing the entire album all the way through.  "Hey, we're Wilco, thanks for coming, here's 12 songs you've never heard before, fuck you."

2. Ticket prices

$135 a day, or $325 for 3 days.  That's expensive!  Mumford doesn't need any more of your money.  He'll probably just give it to Carey Mulligan anyway.

3. They shut down the whole park for weeks

via Twitter celeb Miche:


The damn festival's only for three days!  Why you keeping me out of my park that I pay good tax money to use for 13 days!  Or 12 days.  I don't remember whether you count the start and end days or how that works.  Anyway, they fence off a big section of the park.  It sucks!

4. Muni sucks

I mean, generally, but especially on the festival days, anywhere west of Van Ness or near a BART station.  Imagine trying to get home and waiting for a 5 Fulton only to see it zoom by without stopping, packed Tokyo-subway-like with horrible stoned teens wearing fringe vests and stupid hats.  And forget taking Uber anywhere; usually it's 1700x surge pricing or some shit.

5. Literally get off my lawn

If you need a bottle of Fireball during OL for a practical joke or to clean engione parts, good luck finding one because all the neighborhood liquor stores are sold out because all the execrable teens who were recently jamming up the Muni are now kneewalking drunk and peeing on your stoop.  That's right, if you live anywhere near GG Park this weekend, get ready for the Drunk Teen equivalent of the Mariel boatlift, as wave after wave of them crash upon your shore.  You can't even turn the hose on them because you might accidentally get some Drunk Teen runoff on your property.  Gross.

6. The Noise

Outside Lands features heavily amplified music that, depending on the weather conditions, is often audible well outside the park.  I made this map to help you evaluate your personal risk.


The best thing you can do is FLEE THE AREA.

10 comments:

Greg said...

this article is awesome (as always) but this line

That's right, if you live anywhere near GG Park this weekend, get ready for the Drunk Teen equivalent of the Mariel boatlift, as wave after wave of them crash upon your shore

OMG totally. (I live less than a block from the park)

TK said...

Aw, thanks Greg. I live near the park too. I've already seen the first wave arriving and walking around looking for their AirBnBs. RUN.

lmc said...

Just this morning I was thinking of how I could take a different muni route out to Trouble on Saturday and avoid Outsidelands; thanks for the reminder that there is no way to avoid.

GG said...

I'll be in Minneapolis, do you think that's far enough?

Also, when you mentioned Elton John, I genuinely thought that was hyperbole until I looked it up. Wow. Elton John. Okay.

Rachel said...

Check out our beloved Richmond District blog's yearly posts about Outside Lands.
Commenters get quite crazy.
Nothing too nuts this year, yet...
Give it another day.

Stoney said...

Really the price is the only thing I'm complaining about. I'd go Saturday or Sunday for...oh, $80.

Andrea Lepire said...

I lived in the indistinct thudding zone for 20+ years. When the wind is right, indistinct thudding turns into Mustang Sally.

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