Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Bachelor: Ballbag.

It's hard to say any season of The Bachelor was the "worst season" but this was the Worst Season.  Sean was likable enough, I guess, but he has the personality of a friendly, older Golden retriever and about the same intellect.  Anyway, here we are at what Chris Harrison calls the "historic" three-hour finale, and I guess it might be historic because it contains the most references to praying and prayer since Touched By An Angel went off the air.

This dirty business will conclude in Thailand, where we see Big Dumb Sean's family arriving to aid him in his Journey.  Remember niece and nephew Kensington and Smith from last season?  They're slightly older now and must think this is the normal way grownups marry.  Also, Kensington and Smith.  Come on son.  Here comes Catherine!  Hopefully Sean's family doesn't think she's the maid.  One troubling aspect to this episode is that everyone is traipsing around barefoot.  Disturbing.  Anyway, Mom thinks Catherine is a "lovely lady" and Dad wants to know if she "believes in the Bachelor process" like he's interviewing her for a job as Bachelor Process Lady.  Then everybody cries and she leaves.  I give her a 6 out of 10.

Here comes Lindsay!  Lindsay must have experienced some kind of head trauma on the flight to Thailand because she appears to have lost maybe 40, 50 IQ points.  Maybe it's the chronic alcoholism, I don't know.  Anyway, Dad interviews her and blah blah blah whatever but here's the truly disturbing part.  He says "When Sean was born, we began on that day praying for . . . his wife.  So we prepared every day for her."  WHAT THE FUCK.  I don't even.  Lindsay starts crying.  I would too, faced with this odd revelation.  She tells Mom "our relationship is real" and then cries some more.  Sean later tells us "I think I could have a long happy marriage with both Lindsay and Catherine at this point" and unless Dad was praying to Mormon God, I don't think so.

There will now be Final Dates with each chick.  Lindsay and S will be rafting down the Mekong River, which immediately makes me think of Apocalypse Now.


Tell me that wouldn't be a more entertaining show.  Anyway, they cruise down the Mekong and Sean points out the local features.  "Those mountains over there, that's Laos," he says.  "Oooooo," says Lindsay, who has clearly never heard of a "Laos."  Meanwhile, she wants to know if he'll "shrink down to my size" when he gets older.  Oh fuck me, this is so fucking inane.  Later that night, back to her room for more booze and infantile giggling.  Where did this baby voice shit come from?  He has "everything she's ever wanted in a husband."  I guess that means he has a BevMo card and the complete SpongeBob on DVD.  Then they light some balloons on fire or something, I can't even go on.

Final date with Catherine.  After the date with Lindsay, this will be like finding the fucking Higgs Boson.  There's a ride on a sad-looking elephant and everyone acts like this is a life-altering experience but it's really just like riding a horse but bigger, right?  Over at C's room that night, there is a refreshingly baby-voice-free conversation and C expressing her emotions and crying and she says "I love you" and ABC uses a weird heartbeat sound effect over the whole scene like this is an old episode of "ER" or something.

CUT TO CHRIS HARRISON FOR SOME LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE INTERVIEWS.  "I think it could go either way at this point," says studio audience member.  THANK YOU FOR THE PIERCING INSIGHT STUDIO AUDIENCE MEMBER.

After some Balcony Gazing, her comes Famous Jeweler Neil Lane who has cheapened his personal brand by hitching his wagon to Annoying Commercial Producer Jared.  Then back with the fam.  Everyone cries a lot.  Suck it up, people.  God doesn't like whiners. 

After some more filler and whatnot (including, oddly, AshLee in a leather dress) S has arrived at the Engaging Platform.  First up is Linds and her huge ugly foot tattoo I've never noticed before.  She toddles through the jungle in her aluminum foil dress.  He butters her up a little then hits her with "This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do."  What, solve some simple math equations?  No.  It's dumping Winelina.  She flees back through the jungle and into the Crying SUV.  General Dad is researching the whole drone strikes on American citizens thing.  I WILL RAIN FIRE UPON YOU, YOUR FAMILY WILL WATCH YOU BURN, Lindsay vows.  But in a baby voice.  She will wain fire upon you.

What's this?  A letter?  From Catherine?  What does it say?  "If you are reading this, I am already dead."  No, it's just more treacly bullshit about how she wants to be his wife.  So she hops on up to the Engagement Platform and he does the whole thing and now they're engaged.  He also says she is his "best friend" which seems odd since they've probably spent a total of about 10 hours together.

Then we segue into After the Final Rose for Hour Three and by this point I was a little drunk so my recollection may be somewhat hazy.  Let's trot Lindsay out.  She wants to know where it all went wrong and she's been praying a lot.  SORRY DARFUR, GOT A FEW OTHER THINGS ON MY PLATE RIGHT NOW, SIGNED GOD. Meanwhile, it appears that Billy Bush is tweeting @ Lindsay?


Cleanse breathe eat pray love girl!  I'm writing that down and taping it to my mirror.  That will be my new Personal Affirmation going forward. 

We conclude by learning that Sean and Catherine's wedding will be televised on ABC.  And then Chris Harrison calls Sean a "ballbag."  DROPS MIC, LEAVES.

4 comments:

GG said...

"He says "When Sean was born, we began on that day praying for . . . his wife. So we prepared every day for her.""

I think that's religious-nut code for "praying that he is not gay."

Emilie Raguso said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emilie Raguso said...

I ended up here after seeing Chris Harrison call Sean a "ball bag." What the hell does this even mean? I was hoping your post would answer it but I don't have much clarity on it.

Ben Johnson said...

Hilarious post! I can't believe he called him a "ballbag" LOL!!!