Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette: Second place is the first place of losers. I mean, I love you, let's get married.

You know when you want a Snickers and you go to the vending machine by Sales and they're out of Snickers and so you have to get a Clark bar instead and you're like "Ugh, I didn't even know they still made Clark bars, what, has this been in that machine since 1978?"  Well that's pretty much what happened to Des at the end of Our Journey.  We begin, as we must, with the Bachelor/ette gazing out onto a body of water, followed by the oblig Chris Harrison interview where he asks her if she could see herself with one of the two losers she has left and she cries and cries.  Maybe not so much, but we have 2 hours to kill so you better just get yourself in the mood, sweetie.  YOU ARE FUCKING GETTING ENGAGED SO GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR.

Here come Drew and Chris for, what, a Rose Ceremony or something?  What the fuck?  Isn't that supposed to be at the end? Fine by me, kick them all off and let's go home.  Oh wait, here's D to catch them up.  "You may have noticed Brooks isn't here."  Well, yes, D, we did.  "He has devastated my life.  I have lost the capacity to love.  My days stretch out before me in an endless chain now, each one a hurdle standing between me and the sweet relief of death.  But you guys are totally still in this thing!"

Back to the studio audience, let's find out what America thinks!  Or at least white women between 25 and 45!  One chick thinks Brooks is totes coming back.  Another heavy-browed young lady in some sort of tablecloth dress thinks otherwise.  Someone's mom thinks Brooks "got scared" and shouldn't have taken advice from two women.  GENDER TRAITOR.

OK, back in Antigua, D is gonna give this thing a shot.  WTF is she wearing, some kind of Egyptian breastplate belly shirt.  She's doing the slutty Hatshepsut.  Here comes Drew for some horseback riding.  Confusingly, his horse is named Judy which is a great name for a bridge-playing Mom from the 70's but not so much a horse.  Sadly, this date is about as romantic as endoscopy.  Drew wants to toast to "being madly in love which is followed by D saying she "needs to talk" and that's usually not such a good sign.  She's been reflecting and you should reflect on this, Abercromobie: you are burnt fucking toast.  D blubbers a lot and Drew rides Judy into an uncertain sunset.  "Now I have to think about a life without her."  You've got until about lunchtime, sport.  Chin up.

Next up is Fucking Poetry Guy, who makes it past the first 5 minutes so he's already ahead of the game.  They get on a boat blah blah blah.  Hey, did you know making out is called "shifting" in Ireland?  No idea why.  Shifting.

Then we're at the Night Portion which is terminally boring and he gives her a journal that - wait for it - is ALREADY FILLED WITH HIS AWFUL AWFUL POETRY like, dude, (1) the person you GIVE the journal to is supposed to write in it, not you, you doofus, and (2) this is like the worst vanity press project ever.  Anyway she wants him to meet her family and he's sweating like a pig and now we're back in the studio and Chris Harrison hauls out the same former contestants we've been seeing all season like don't you have jobs or literally anything better to do than to keep coming on this show? Lesley from DC looks like she's on the tail end of a 6-month bender and has been hitting up Courtney Love's Goodwill donation box for clothes.

Thankfully we are soon out of the studio and back to Antigua where D is gazing into middle distance and now it's time for Chris to meet the fam!  Helpfully, D's bro comes pre-loaded with Jail Clothes so he doesn't have to change on his way back that night.

Dad jumps right in with "Why should Desiree choose you?"  Because I'm the only fucking one left, homeslice!  It's either me or the Craft Services guy at this point!  They have a little sit-down and Chris is babbling like an Adderall-crazed 5-year-old.  "I know I like her man and could I have her hand in marriage and I'll say do you want to marry me and we'll totally get married and then we'll be married and JESUS CHRIST ISN'T THIS THE MOST EXCITING FUCKING THING EVER."

OK we're stumbling towards our conclusion.  Des is perched on a hillside as the limo approaches and out pops Chris and fuck, you could at least shave for this.  He grimly assures us he couldn't be more happy.  He starts in with her about "all the happiness I see in your eyes when I read you poetry" and that's not happiness, dude, that's gag reflex.  Anyway, she tries to head fake him with some BS about "having to be honest" but we all know what's coming.  Whoa, then he hits her up with a bunch of questions!  "Do you want to share your experiences with me?  Do you want to have kids?"  Can we buy a turtle?  Should we get DishTV or cable? Can we get Fiestaware?  What about a Ford Fusion?  She agrees to marry him and then says either "I made a promise to tell you everything" or "I made a promise to call you every day," which is a little creepy.  Oh, and she says - NOT MADE UP - "It joys me to say this," which is the kind of syntax I guess you get when you homeschool in a park.

That's it.  We're done here.  The next bachelor is Juan Pablo, which guarantees lots of flamenco-sounding music and also Juan Pablo getting a green card the old-fashioned way.  Hasta la vista.

1 comment:

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