Thank God, we are close to the end now. First we start off with a mini-clip show reprising the 3 finalists’ incredible journey. It is so fucking boring it makes my head hurt. Dead Mother talks about his dead mother. Roberto talks about how they’re building towards something really good, like maybe a televised wedding. Frank is staring into Middle Distance and then meaningfully taking off his glasses. This is a Bad Sign. He still has feelings for Nicole, his ex!!! He’s an “emotional wreck” who has “feeling for two girls” and an unfortunate fondness for thumb rings.
We’re in Chicago. I mean, I just was in Chicago, but the show is now in Chicago. Oddly, on the show, no one is suffering from heat exhaustion or throwing up, so I’m not sure it’s the same Chicago I went to. Frank says he is going to “find” Nicole, and appears to be walking around randomly. This might take a while! Oh, wait, he found her corporate-looking studio apartment. Oh, duh, Frank wants to get back with her so he can move out of his parents’ house. Frank spends the first 10 minutes telling Nicole how awesome and wonderful Ali is and how much he’s into her. Not the strategy I would use to get back together with someone! “Hey, I met this other person who is way better than you and who I love very much. Now, what’s for dinner?”
Oh, wait, Nicole’s a little crazy! Look, she has crazy eyes! “Ever since you left, literally you consumed my entire mind every day,” she says. Y I K E S. Either Frank is a zombie or this chick is cray-zee. Then she says “You need to come home.” Or I can make things very unpleasant for you! Frank has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali. WTF?? They’ve been on like 3 dates. Send her a fucking text and save ABC $5000, why don’t you?
Now we’re in Tahiti. Looks nice! Roberto feels that it’s the “mecca of tropical destinations.” I thought Mecca was the mecca of tropical destinations! I can hear Muslims writing in already. Oh wow, Roberto has a severe sweating problem. Nothing says romance like huge pit stains. Jesus Christ, another helicopter tour. The only people that spend more time in helicopters than Ali are helicopter pilots and people on M*A*S*H. That was a TV show, ask your parents. Heart-shaped island, picnic, frolic in surf blah blah blah. On to dinner, Roberto’s falling in love with her, off to the Fantasy Suite, you know the drill.
Time for Dead Mother’s date. He goes like 3 minutes without mentioning Mom! Man, this is boring. They swim around and then all of a sudden start killing oysters left and right looking for their Blood Pearls! Jesus Christ! There’s not going to be any oysters left for the Tahiti people! OK, dinner time. Maybe kill some more local fauna! There’s got to be an endangered bird or something you can strangle the life out of. They eat and then wade out to their mid-lagoon Fantasy Suite. Hey, if you were dating Dead Mother, wouldn’t you say at some point “Look, I really need to know what that thing on your face is before we get married in case it’s genetic or contagious.” Not Ali! She pretends not to notice. Over at the Fantasy Suite, DM says Mom is “definitely looking down and smiling.” CREEPY! What, does Mom like Ali’s rack?
OK, time for the Main Event, i.e. Trainwreck Frank. Like many of us, he turns to Chris Harrison for relationship advice. He takes about 30 minutes to say he’s back in love with Crazy Nicole. Chris Harrison is visibly bored. He tells Frank that Ali’s going to be in “emotional turmoil,” but he has to be “honest and straightforward” and tell her. Wow, thanks, Chris. As opposed to what? Not telling until after the engagement? Honest and straightforward has never worked for me, but I’m not Chris Harrison so I don’t know.
Here comes Ali! She says she’s going to take Frank sailing. Maybe on the U.S.S. Just Got Dumped! He tells her about Crazy Nicole. Ali can’t believe this. I can’t either, now that we got a look at Nicole. Homegirl needs a nose job BIG TIME. Everybody cries a lot. Ali “needs to deal with this somehow.” I find booze very effective in the dealing-with-this area. Ali deals with it by talking to Chris Harrison and crying a lot. Hope Roberto and DH don’t see this part! Ali says her best friend told her “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Wow, Ali’s BFF is Eleanor Roosevelt? Is she watching and smiling too? I see a shitload of dead people!
Rose ceremony! Can you feel the tension? There are 2 guys and only 2 spots left. Wait a minute. Ali explains that “Frank has things back home that he didn’t deal with.” What, is his cable bill late and now he can’t watch Spongebob? Could you get any vaguer, Ali? Roberto once again looks like he thinks in a Sweating Contest and it’s the final round. Will you accept this rose? And a squeegee?
Next week, we have our Shocking Conclusion or something.