Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Bachelorette: Finally.

REMINDER: Today is the last day to enter the Six-Word Memoir Contest and win Big Prizes and the Acclaim of Your Peers. You have until 6 pm my time. GO.

Well, friends, here we are at the end of our Amazing Journey that we Gave Everything Up for and did for the Right Reasons, which is to find the Love of Our Life. Opening Montage.

Let’s get to it. Time for Roberto to meet Ali’s family. Wow, is she adopted? All together, they look like a group photo of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Dad and Bro both have Balloon Heads and I don’t know what’s up with Sis. Everyone fancies themselves a Spanish speaker and Sis starts with the R-rolling and calls him “Rrrrrrrroberrrrrto.” Then Mom gets in on the act and tries out her high school Spanish on him! “I want…3 tacos….in the bathtub,” she says. Hey, everyone, News Flash: Roberto speaks The English too!

Time for a one-on-one with Dad. Oh, Dad’s wearing mandals. That’s a good look for a hydrocephalic 60-year-old! Roberto’s concerns is making Ali happy. He wants to convey how much he “generally cares about her.” Dad “doesn’t see a problem” with Roberto. Wow, are they talking about marriage or a new Weedeater? Oh, Mom’s back. She wants Roberto to teach her to salsa! Oh, great! Maybe next we’ll put up a pinata and don our ponchos and sombreros! Ole!

Now it’s Dead Mother’s turn. Hmmmm, I wonder if his Mom will come up at all. Look, we’ve got a Live Mother over here! Jealous much!? DM’s Mom was a nurse. Oh, Ali’s Mom is a nurse too! OH REALLY!? What dress size are you? Now it’s getting weird. Everyone’s a teacher! My favorite color is blue! ME TOO!!!! ME THREE!!!! We were all born in Montreal and speak Spanish and love Sizzler! THIS IS CRAZY!

Dad asks DM to go outside and talk. DM shoots him the secret gang sign for “Yes.”

You know, DM’s great and all, but he seems way more like the guy you get to mow your lawn than the love of anyone’s life. Ali has “so much going through her head right now.” Like the infected ends of her now-rotten extensions!

Last date with Roberto. Whilst out Jet-Skiing, they happen upon a school of stingrays. Oh, how beautiful! Nature is amazing and HOLY FUCK IT IS EATING MY INTESTINES ALI GET THE GUN GET IT OFF ME JESUS CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO DIE HERE.

Oh, I guess they’re like trained or something. Anyway, final date at the Hilton, some nonsensical conversation, then Roberto gives her a picture in a Special Frame he made from twine and macramé at Summer Camp.

Last date with DM now. Ali comes over to his room at the Hilton. Uh-oh, this doesn’t look good. She’s got on her We Need to Talk pout. Whoa, she’s dumping him! She’s in love with somebody else! Roberto, maybe. Why on Earth would she do this without talking to Chris Harrison first? Good God, DM, stop thanking her so much. She’s dumping you, not bringing you another round of Bud Light.

Now we have the predictable post-dumping shots. Ali goes to look meaningfully at the water. DM is crying over his balcony BUT LOOK! IT’S A RAINBOW! That’s his Mom! Just like that time when Kit Kats were 3 for 99 cents at the 7-Eleven! That was Mom too! And my car stopped leaking oil! Mom. Anyway, Chris gets on a boat and heads back to Cape Cod for some more ringworm and landscaping, I guess.

Getting close to the end now. Bear with me. Roberto’s getting ready and shaves and IMMEDIATELY has a 5 o’clock shadow. WTF, you actually see him getting swarthier. Then he puts on his Copier Salesman suit with the Cardboard Collar and it’s off to pop the question. Ali’s waiting on top of a mountain, and here comes Roberto on the Jungle Cruise ride from Disneyland. Once again, Roberto is a finalist in the Sweating 5000! Get the Sham-Wow, we're going to need it! He proposes, she says yes, whatever.

On the aftershow, they say they’re still together. I guess he doesn’t know she’s getting a little Matt Leinart on the side! Anyway, thank you for Sharing this Journey with me.

1 comment:

Tamagosan said...

Cover of People. Wow.