Monday, May 20, 2013

Burrito!: The Musical

Inspired originally by a tweet from Dan Jackson, with additional comments by BurritoJustice and others.

Act I

Carlos and Esmerelda are the proprietors of La Tradición, a small, independent burrito parlor that serves a loyal and grateful clientele.  Each burrito is lovingly handcrafted, and they use only the finest ingredients.  People come from far and wide for their specialty, the "Burrito Zafiro," made with a blue tortilla.

Song: "Beans and Rice and Love"

One day, Bobby, a loyal customer, warns them that a major burrito chain, Burrito Bandito, is coming to town.  Bobby worries that Burrito Bandito's massive ad campaigns and cheaper burritos will put La Tradición out of business.

Song: "Horsemeat and Spray Cheese"

Carlos and Esmerelda assure Bobby there's nothing to worry about; people will always choose higher quality over cheaper price.  Bobby is not so sure.

Song: "Old Navy Blues"

Meanwhile, Carlos and Esmerelda's daughter Gabriela has some exciting news: she has a new beau, Roger! She brings him around to meet her parents, and they are pleased.  Roger is a nice young man who is polite and respectful, not like Gabriela's ex-boyfriend Gaspar, who played in a punk band and joined an underground anti-gentrification cell.

Song: "New Love Is Like Guacamole"

One day, a stranger comes into the store.  He introduces himself as E. Conommy Ofscale and tells Carlos and Esmerelda he works for Burrito Bandito.  They greet the stranger warmly and offer to prepare him a Supreme with Carne Asada to welcome the new business to town, but he refuses, explaining that he doesn't really eat burritos. Ofscale tells Carlos and Esmerelda that they had better get ready; Burrito Bandito is coming to town and would crush them like it crushes all its competition - with ultra-cheap mass-produced burritos, an ad campaign targeted at Thought Leaders, and plenty of Tostitos brand salsa.  Carlos and Esmerelda look aghast.  "What, you don't put lettuce in your burritos?," Ofscale asks.  Esmerelda faints to the floor.

Song: "What Have You Done To My Burrito"

Gabriela and Roger arrive just as Ofscale leaves.  The old couple, distraught, explain to them what just happened.  Roger, who has a business degree, volunteers to try and help Carlos and Esmerelda fight the corporate behemoth.  They gratefully accept his offer.  Great, he says.  He'll just need to look at their books.

Song: "I'll Just Need to Look At Your Books"

Burrito Bandito opens nearby and immediately crowds are drawn to its huge dining room and cheap prices.  To Carlos and Esmerelda's shock, Burrito Bandito introduces a new, special menu item, the "Burrito de Blue Tortilla," made with a blue tortilla, just like La Tradición's Burrito Zafiro!  Carlos and Esmerelda don disguises and visit the new competitor.

Song: "Don't Mind Us, We're Just Know-Nothings With No Sense of Taste Here To Sample Your So-Called Burritos"

Carlos is shocked.  "It's the same tortilla as the Burrito Zafiro!," he exclaims.  "How could they have gotten our recipe?  We're finished, Esmerelda, finished!"

Act II

Burrito Bandito is booming while business at La Tradición has fallen off, largely fueled by the runaway success of Burrito Bandito's Burrito de Blue Tortilla.  Carlos and Esmerelda are sadly contemplating closing the store.

Song: "I Will Water My Cilantro With Tears"

The next day, a mysterious young man comes into the store.  He peruses the menu and asks for an al pastor with no cheese and extra jalapenos.  As Carlos prepares the burrito, he suddenly realizes: "Gaspar! Is that you?"  The man smiles and nods, removing the Google Glass and startup sweatshirt he was wearing as a disguise.  "Yes, it is I!," Gaspar says.  He tells them he is here to help them battle the evil corporate chain.

Song: "A Molotov Is the Spiciest Salsa Of All"

As they talk, Gabriela and Roger arrive.  The old lovers at first trade barbs, but it is soon apparent that beneath their frosty exterior, there are still feelings between them. After Gabriela and Roger leave, Gaspar tells Carlos and Esmerelda that he is suspicious of Roger; something just didn't seem right.

Song: "Yuppie No Bueno"

One night, Gaspar and some other members of LENGUA, the Loyal Eternal No Gentrification Underground Association, plan to break into Burrito Bandito.  Matty, a recent UC Santa Cruz graduate with a degree in Ethnic Studies, wants to burn it to the ground, but Gaspar cautions against this.

Song: "Chill Out, My College Marxist Brother"

Instead, Gaspar convinces the group that gathering information about Burrito Bandito will ultimately prove more worthwhile.  The team agrees and, under cover of darkness, they break into Burrito Bandito.  What they find shocks even these hardcore revolutionaries - stacks of cans labeled "Bean-Flavored Product," bags of raw pigeon meat, and, worst of all, the secret ingredients for La Tradición's Burrito Zafiro!  As they photograph the scene, a startled Roger emerges from a back room.

Song: "Holy Shit What the Fuck Are You Doing Here"

"I knew it!," Gaspar exclaims. LENGUA notifies the police, who soon arrive and arrest Roger for Second Degree Burrito Embezzlement.  LENGUA publishes the damning photos.  Burrito Bandito is finished and closes in shame.

Months later, we are at the wedding of Gaspar and Gabriela. La Tradición is thriving once again. Carlos and Esmerelda tearfully reflect on their good fortune, their station in the burrito world firmly fixed.

Song: "Burritos (Make the World Go Round)"


GG said...

You seriously need to donate this idea to the SF Mime Troupe for their next production. It's genius.

Rachel said...

I love this soooo much, TK!

Andrea said...

This made me very happy.

Anonymous said...

Yes, what GG said!

(Though I think it needs to be ¡Burrito!: The Musical)

KBN said...

E. Conommy Ofscale nice...

Unknown said...

This is amazing

TK said...

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Please stop at the Burrito!: The Musical gift shop on your way out and peruse our complete line of Burrito!: The Musical tote bags, coffee mugs, beer coozies, and fleece outerwear.

Tamagosan said...

YES. I also echo GG's idea.

I had the very unfortunate experience of eating a "burrito" from a Chipotle this weekend. I was on my way to Dulles airport and needed to grab food in Chantilly, VA for the plane, which turned out to be a good idea since we sat on the runway for a few hours. It was Chipotle or the gas station, and I figured the "burrito" might be bland and generally sell-out-y, but OH NO it was much worse.

For a chain that supposedly stole the idea from Mission taquerias, the staff missed the training on how to actually roll up the "burrito". It was very, very sadly chode-like. Just awful and square and squat with ingredients strangely arranged and at terrible temperatures. Then they wrapped it like a present or a hospital bed so you couldn't de-foil as you go. Disaster.

I won't get started on the poor flavor, chips-for-a-fee, the weird green lettuce or their small sign about having to use conventional beef despite their greenwashing signs about meat. I got veggie anyway and, although I was happy for the calories, I am ashamed to say that I gave them any money at all. I guess the research was worth it and I can look even further down on the folks that line up at the FiDi one every day.

--rock over london said...

Best post ever.

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