The Bachelor Finale: I'm Ready for My Happy Ending

So, friends, we have finally arrived at the South African end to our Journey together and we will begin by meeting Brad’s family, which consists of a twin brother named Chad (PAUSE MOMENTARILY – that’s right, Brad and Chad. Oh, Absent Dad, you have quite the sense of humor. You can continue to torture your kids even while away), a Mom who looks like Paula Deen with a bad haircut and a little brother, Wes, who doesn’t look like anyone and is either adopted from some Plump White Kid Adoption Agency or has Ugly Dad instead of Absent Dad. There are, of course, stick-thin sun-blasted Texas wives to go along with the bros, oddly named “Dylan” (or “Dillon,” I suppose) and “Prima,” which are also the names of someone’s cats. Brad greets his family by weeping like an Italian grandmother and it’s really a bit much.

Here comes Chantal to meet the family. Chantal is coming on WAY TOO STRONG and is all ME ME ME I HOPE HE PICKS ME with her bright red chest like it’s some kind of mating plumage and her shiny shiny hair. Mom thinks she’s “precious,” which is Southern for “cute and dumb.” Everyone seems to like Chantal but they’re clearly a little scared of her RELENTLESS INTENSITY and girlfriend just needs to dial it down a notch.

Next day. Time for Lifetime Emily to meet everyone. She brings flowers but forgot her illegitimate child. There is a Very Awkward Moment when Fleshy Wes wants to know where the Baby Daddy is and everyone acts weird and I’m starting to think he’s actually in Witness Protection and then Lifetime recounts the Legend of Racecar Rickie. Wes finds this a “shocking and sad story” but honestly it’s a little played at this point.

(Let me break here to note that I was recently furnished with a copy of In Touch magazine, via which I learned that Lifetime Emily is not exactly the virginal princess she seems, and instead runs through NASCAR drivers like she’s on her own circuit, if you know what I mean, and also is maybe not that fascinated by Little Rickie and also is a bit of a gold-digger. The More You Know.)

So let’s just cut to the chase: The Fam loves Lifetime because (1) she’s a Mom, and the Cat-Named Wives like that and (2) she’s Southern. Lifetime tells Mom that Brad’s an “angel” and this makes Mom all teary. Lifetime knows how to talk to a Southern Mom.

OK, next day. Last date with Chantal. They’re going Shark Diving! Chantal must sense that she’s in trouble because she comes out with her wetsuit unzipped to her crotch but she may as well leave the cage because she’s basically dead in the water at this point. The sharks are all “whatever” and no one gets killed. That night, Brad pops by Chantal’s suite and she’s all “Look! I drew this map of all the places ABC sent us!” and frankly it looks like something Little Rickie could have drawn and Brad’s all “Oh, that’s nice, you stayed in the lines and everything” and then takes off but not before calling her “Channie” which kinda bugs. She is toast and it is clear at this point.

Date with Lifetime Emily. Hopefully they’re going Tiger Wrestling or this just isn’t fair. Oh, helicopter ride! This is bullshit. They sit on a cliff and she says he can’t watch football any more or drink beer at 6 o’clock and obviously she’s never been to Texas. Same deal that night with the suite visit and ABC realizes they have to wring some drama out of this so they have Brad go “I’m ready to be a father” and Lifetime goes “No you’re not” and he says :”Yes I am” and she goes “No you’re not” and then he gets all sweaty and takes off and from what I read, Brad, you’re not going to have to worry about seeing Little Rickie all that much.

We somehow have to fill two hours, so we’re treated to some scenes of the chicks writing in their faux journals and Chantal’s all “I’m ready for my happy ending” but I hate to break this to you Chantal, your happy ending will include you, a limo, and a box of Krispy Kremes. Lifetime, meanwhile, is writing Dale Jr. to tell him she can still see him but he best keep it on the DL.

It’s time. Brad’s off to The Proposal and HOLY FUCK IS HE WEARING A LEATHER SUIT?


OK, it’s time. Chantal’s first and just so nobody is taken unawares, she’s wearing a black dress and Lifetime’s wearing white. Brad does some blah blah blah and you know it’s coming and BOOM Chantal you are a Space Rocket being launched to Planet Dumped. Perhaps your gobs of money will console you. Here’s The Wife, brightsiding the situation: “You made it to the Top 2! That’s good!” True. True.

Time for Lifetime to collect the hardware. Brad blurbles something about wanting to marry her and she says yes. I wonder if Lil Rickie will like New Daddy.

Hey, we have almost a full bottle of wine left so let’s watch After the Final Rose and then kill ourselves. Wow, that is one ugly studio audience they’ve assembled. It looks like they just picked up a Wal-Mart and shook it out into a TV studio. Chantal comes out and cries like always but then we learn she’s got a New Thing Going! He must love her constantly sobbing about Brad. Emily comes out and DAMN she looks pretty good and we learn that things have not been progressing smoothly in Brad and Emily Land, I know SHOCKER. She won’t even marry him right now on this show! What kind of a fucked up bitch won’t get impulse-married in front of an Ugly Live Studio Audience!?! What is this, Iran? Chris Harrison wants to know “What makes a successful Bachelor relationship?” Functional retardation and hair gel, Chris. See you guys next time.

UPDATE!!!!! OH HEY GUESS WHAT I just realized. This blog is 3 years old today. 3 years of sarcasm, boiling rage, ill-informed opinion, TV dating show recaps, and lots of drinking. I owe it all to you guys, the deeply disturbed people who read this. I wish we could all run away together and start our own civilization but instead let's just not do that.