Thursday, March 3, 2011

Hard-hitting Chronicle columnist tackles the Sheen story; readers yawn

Oh good! Semi-retarded[*] Chronicle columnist Debra Saunders has decided to weigh in on the Charlie Sheen thing. Last seen penning a hard-hitting interview with the Governor's dog, let's see what fresh insight that bomb-thrower Saunders brings to the Sheen story:

This week Charlie Sheen owns network news. No wonder Americans hate the media.

In a rush for ratings, TV news shows have been clamoring for sit-downs. The goal, of course, is to get Sheen to say something nutty that makes news. But no one wants to look like a vulture, so from their high horse, interviewers try to prod the bad boy to admit that he needs help.

Frauds. They're not bottom-feeders; they dress up the package with a redeeming angle. Like: Is Charlie Sheen bipolar?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Debra, hold the phone for a second because you are BLOWING MY MIND. TV shows are motivated by ratings? Holy fuck, you just blew all my illusions about the entertainment business out of the water. Here I am thinking that they're all ars gratia artis and you're telling me it's ABOUT MONEY? Fuck, thank God Debra Sunders is here to clear the scales from my eyes. "Frauds." PULITZER ON LINE TWO, DEBRA.

Also, Americans don't "hate the media." Americans fucking LOVE the media. Sure, different people like different aspects of "the media" but to make a blanket statement like that is ridiculous. If Americans "hated the media," you and Charlie Sheen both would be out of a job. For one of the two of you, that would be a good thing.

If Sheen doesn't kill himself, you know the script: The arrest, the rehab, the contrite I'm-an-addict comeback interview, another drop-dead gorgeous wife, a new baby, a new series starring a character who is Charlie Sheen without the child support and cocaine. Big box office.

The Romans made gladiators kill each other in the circus for their entertainment. For their viewing pleasure, Americans pump up celebrities, who then misbehave in public, so that we can feel superior to them. The Romans demanded blood. Americans go for shame.

More incisive commentary from Debra's thoughtful pen! So let me get this straight. You're saying that Americans enjoy watching celebrities fall? No shit!?

I'm not surprised Saunders decided to write about Charlie Sheen. It sells papers! Oh, whoops, isn't that what Saunders was decrying earlier? Never mind. Anyway, it's fine to write about it, but recycling all the same fucking tired commentary that's been said 1000 times only fills up column inches and bores the fuck out of the rest of us. If you can't think of something original to say, just leave it the fuck alone, OK?

[*] I'm not supposed to say "retarded" any more. It'll take some time. Bear with me.

2 comments:

amy.leblanc said...

yeah, i thought the same thing. that's a pretty fucking high horse she's sitting on.

sfmike said...

Ms. Debra is not "retarded." She's actually quite smart but as evil as they come, defending the indefensible day in and day out. I'm sure there's a special circle of hell for hacks like Nevius and her, but I don't want to know about it.