Friday, March 11, 2011

TK's Earthquake Tips

Doesn't it seem like there are more earthquakes than usual these days? Maybe it just seems that way, but already in 2011 we've had 7.0 or higher quakes in Argentina, Chile, Pakistan, China, and 2 in Japan, counting the one today. And the one today was fucking HUGE.

Like any Normal Person, it makes me think we're due. With that in mind, let's go over a few things you'll need to know when the Next Big One hits here:

BEFORE THE QUAKE

- Make sure you have your earthquake supplies ready. That should include a long roll of gauze that you can wrap around your head to heighten the "badly wounded" effect. Also, a bottle of vodka is a good idea. You'll need a radio of some kind. Get a combination CD/radio player with Biggie's "Life After Death" pre-loaded because that will be good Post-Disaster music.

- If you don't have a pet, consider getting one. Besides being a fun companion, a pet is a self-contained food supply. Also, a long-haired cat's pelt can make an effective small blanket. Don't bother with gerbils or other small rodents. You can't make it work, calorie-wise.

- Prepare an Earthquake Plan. This should include a location where you'll meet up with your friends and family (DO NOT PICK THE 500 CLUB I ALREADY PICKED THAT AND WE ALL NEED TO HAVE OUR OWN PLACE) and one person designated to liveblog the whole thing.

DURING THE QUAKE

PANIC. Also, try and get some video on your phone. BONUS if it's of a shaking bookcase with shit falling out.

AFTER THE QUAKE

- The first thing you should do is try and figure out who your Leader will be in the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare that you now inhabit. Try to gravitate towards people wearing animal skins and carrying guns. The Leader should be charismatic but also quietly assured and have a spiritual side that he doesn't reveal, except maybe in one scene with Mila Kunis.

- You will need to rebuild the shattered world, so be the first to loot a nearby hardware store.

- Try to stay out of the Rivers of Blood. God knows what weird diseases those people had.

- Now is a good time to slaughter and eat your dog. Save the haunches for yourself.

By following a few simple tips like these, you can greatly increase your chances of surviving and even enjoying the Monster Earthquake That Is Sure to Devastate Our Area.

Have a nice weekend!

5 comments:

generic said...

I was about to say I wasn't sure the 500 was such a great choice and that I thought that part of the Mission was originally swamp, slated to liquefy, ala 1906, or to maybe ask Burrito Justice.

And then I realized it's like 300 feet from the oldest structure in the city. Good call.

burritojustice.com said...

Unless they install precariously balanced sharp daggers as part of their remodel, The 500 Club is probably one of the safest places in the Mission - 17th&G is on solid ground, right on the edge of Gulchie the 18th St Monster.

Bi-Rite, Delfina and Tartine are all doomed however. (I'll send you guys pizza from Pi Bar via the Valencia St gondola.)

Tamagosan said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Pack your earthquake kit with these and everyone wins. Except the dogs, which why I taught mine to fly. (Amazing what French dogs can do.)

Cheers to preparedness.

sfmike said...

Cash is good. In the 1989 quake, when there was no electricity and no ATMs, cash is very good. Stash some at home.

gone to guam! said...

This cash stuff you speak of, how does one obtain large quantities of it? Seems like it comes in such small amounts and then mysteriously goes away... :-P