Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor: "Here For the Right Reasons" makes a surprising and welcome return

I'm going to jump right in and elide over the weekly gratuitous shirtless Sean establishing shots and get right to solo date with Apparently Arabic Selma who we learn quickly is Actually Arabic Selma from Iraq and is almost certainly going to be honor killed after this episode.  The prospect of this solo date leaves Big Mouth Billy Bass in tears for some reason but FORESHADOWING.  Anyway, Big Dumb Sean and Apparently Arabic are off in a private jet and Selma makes a lot of references about how she could get used to this and she seems generally a little gold-diggery.  They're off to the desert, so Selma should feel right at home!  Oh, she doesn't like the desert.  I guess you can take the girl out of Iraq and can take Iraq out of the girl after all.  They hike about 50 feet from the parking lot and AA is already bitching about the heat and the snakes and she would be the worst insurgent ever.  "My AK-47 is SOOOO HEAVYYYYY!" "This keffiyeh is ruining my makeup!" Anyway, they do some rock climbing and AA proves to be some kind of rock climbing savant but bitches the whole way.

Night brings us to some kind of kitschy faux trailer park that a little Googling reveals to be "Hicksville Trailer Palace and Artist Retreat" in Joshua Tree.  Here it's time for outdoor drinks and no food and no kissing because AA's Mom is watching and will stroke out if she kisses anyone on TV.  Mom didn't agree with her being on the show and Mom is now the most rational person we've heard about.  So there's a lot of G-rated cuddling and a long conversation about how they wish they could kiss and I wish for a speedy and painless death.

Next we have assembled a bunch of the chicks in the mimosa limo and we're off to a group date.  What do you think we'll do?  Maybe solve some simple math problems?  No, I'm kidding.  It's something they can actually do: roller derby!  I bet Lindsay's down with anything if there's booze involved.  Hey, tangent, but what the fuck is up with Tierra's forehead?

Maybe she Pinterested this:

Anyway, let's get to some roller skating.  Poor One Armed Sarah isn't very good and starts crying.  Now I feel bad!  I can't roller skate either, Sarah!  It gets better.  Anyway, AshLee stops by for a pep talk.  "Hey, at least you weren't passed around foster families like a rototiller!"  There, that's better.

BOOM!  Amanda goes down.  On skates, I mean.  Get that thought out of your head.  She hits her chin and the medics think it might be broken and some 12-year-old intern takes her off to the hospital.  The whole incident scares the Bachelor Insurance Carrier and so roller derby is canceled in favor of "free skate" to "Foolish Heart" by Journey and now everyone feels nauseous, not just Amanda.  Night brings us to the roof of the downtown Roosevelt and Lindsay's slurring already!  I love that boozer.  Oh, here comes Amanda!  No broken jaw.  Maybe some meds, though!

Meanwhile, somebody forgot to pack Tierra's apple slices and peanut butter because girl is having a meltdown!  Just as Lindsay manages to slur out "Joo bnringya baving soot?" and get bikini'd up to hit the hot tub, here comes fucking Tierra to stage an Uncool Intervention and blubbers to S about something I'm not sure what I got bored and started checking Twitter.  Then he gives her a rose!  WTF!  You're not supposed to reward bad behavior!  He should have swatted her on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.  BAD DOG, TIERRA.

Next up: Solo Date with Big Mouth Billy Bass.  They take off in one of the producers' midlife crisis/trophy wife bait car to do some shopping at something called Badgley Mischka and I have some bad news BMBB, they have dresses on their website for like 300 bucks so it's not like ABC had to siphon their Cayman account for this spree.  WOOOO, A THOUSAND DOLLARS! WHEEEE.  Dinner is in some abandoned warehouse/set for "Hostel: Part IV, The Cringing."  There's no spark and BMBB is shown the door but not before warning him that some girls are not Here For The Right Reasons!  I've missed you, Here For The Right Reasons.  Let's not fight ever again.

Scenes from the cocktail party: Other Black Girl makes semi-dirty chocolate references. Tierra continues to be in Low Blood Sugar Crazy mode.  Hilariously, she tries to get street when she talks to OBG and wants to "squash it."  OK, Tierra, we get it, we saw that Afterschool Special too.  Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine oddly hands him a card with a lipstick print on it.  WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO SIGNIFY.  Tierra stares into the camera.  She is becoming Bane from the Batman movie before our eyes.  "You must be strong and get what you want," she says.  "Destroy your enemy. True strength comes from within. Now I need to moisturize."

Here are the ones he has decided to keep: Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine. Katie Holmes. Drunk Lindsay. Bug Eyes, OBG, AdopTee, One Arm, Sucka Freee, and Just Jackie.  Sorry, Amanda!  Back to Newport Beach to resume your Fit Model lifestyle.

NEXT WEEK: Oh for fuck's sake, 2 nights in a row?  Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck.


GG said...

Hold the phone. No kissing? So she thinks someone will agree to marry her WITHOUT THEIR EVEN HAVING KISSED ONCE? I hope I'm misunderstanding what you wrote.

GG said...

BTW, I just looked on the ABC official website to view the contestant photos and you MUST check them out, because it's almost like for every single photo the photographer was like "Show off how you have two arms! Lemme see those guns! Yeah, cross 'em, now hands on your hips!" and then he got to Sarah and he was like, "Oh...,"

TK said...

GG - I think she said she wouldn't kiss him until she was the only one, so yeah, under the Rules of the Bachelor, that would mean engaged.

I see what you mean about the bio photos. I'm bummed they made Sarah hide her half arm! Show that shit off, girl! Out and proud!

Stephen said...

The Tierra* forehead has infuriated me me all along; I don't care if it's a scar resulting from some trauma. I hate it and everything else about her face.

*"You are the Earth, and you are a mountain range. You are my everything, Slight Fetal Alcohol Syndrome daughter."

Greg said...

these writeups never cease to entertain and it makes me not have to watch the actual show. All reality shows should have scribes like this.