Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor: Pick the drunk one! No, the other drunk one.

Like the passing of the seasons or the rising of the tides, once again nature has inexorably provided us with our semi-annual Journey wherein we will meet a yachtload of mentally deficient singles who want to be on TV and aren't here to make friends.  This time, our lucky winner is Human Lamppost Sean, whom we see staring meaningfully at the ocean and who feels that "God has another plan for me."  Hopefully it doesn't involve reproducing.

Sean is duly transported to LA and ensconced in the Bachelor House where he passes the time slicing up some strawberries when good buddy/metrosexual icon Arie drops by.  Last we saw these two, they were competing for the affections of Emily, but both were lucky enough to dodge that particular bullet.  They bro hug and sit down for a brochat.  Arie uses the term "catch feelings" and they're just one Coors Light away from making out when sadly, we cut to commercial.  When we get back, Chris Harrison has appeared.  Let's meet some of the cheftestants!

TIERRA is from Denver and is wearing some kind of sideways cross pendant that I think means she's a half-satanist.

Diana claims to be 30 but her subtitle says 31 and she appears to be 38.  She has 2 kids and I hope she enjoys the free cocktails because that's about it for her.  Sarah, 26, is from LA, works in advertising, and has stoner eyes and one arm.  This is not a euphemism.  I guarantee you there are a bunch of guys out there who are SUPER INTO this.  Ashley has "no idea" why she's single.  She's all into 50 Shades of Gray, which the producers hope makes her dangerously sexy but at this point is about as transgressive as an episode of "Maude."  If they really want to be provocative, the producers should have her be into dolphin sex or scat play.  AshLee (sic) is a little FAS and was apparently adopted after being dumped by a bunch of other foster families.  SO NEEDY.  This ends our video journey around the US to meet these chicks.

Time for Limo Intros, or the Parade of the Desperate Anorexics.  Daniella claims to be from San Francisco but looks more like a Girl Gone Wild from Antioch to me.  Someone left Kelly from Nashville in the oven too long.  She's a "cruise ship entertainer" which I bet.  Katie is a yoga instructor and looks like one with her bare feet and her health food store hair.  Lacey "but a lot of people call me Lace" OH I BET THEY DO ON THE SET BABY is from Valencia and more than a little porny.  Paige, "Jumbotron Operator" and now they're just making shit up.  But I guess someone has to run the Jumbotron?  Tierra shows up and Doorknob is so impressed by her ring finger tattoo that he runs inside and gets her a rose ASAP. 

Keriann is an "entrepeneur" who is wearing a dress made out of recycled trashbags that trails behind her like squid tentacles.  Sean deploys the "oh, poor thing" voice when the One Armed Bandit arrives.  Seriously, though, this chick has a great angle - who's gonna be the dick who cuts the girl with one arm?  WHAT AN ASSHOLE.  Kristy is supposedly a model but looks a little old and a little MTF to boot.  Lindsey is wearing a wedding dress that the producers gave her, apparently to show how kooky and k-razy she is, but she's approaching blackout drunk so maybe that'll do it instead.

But wait!  There's one final member of the Mensa chapter!  Oh, it's Kacie, who we last saw getting dumped by, who, Ben or Brad or whoever the fuck it was.  She's grinning like a maniac and seems to have lost about 30 IQ points.  Oh, it seems that she and Sean have met before!  I bet they hit it at one of those bacchanalian Bachelor parties you hear about and now she has to get him to marry her or her father will honor kill her. 

Time for the Faux Hangout Party.  Let's see who gets drunk.  Sean is apparently throwing roses around left and right.  Desiree and Selma and even Downward Dog get one.  Oh, awesome, Shitfaced Lindsay slurs her way through an awkward convo and now here's 50 Shades girl, who also looks to be about 3/4 of the way through a bottle of Ciroq when she starts what I suppose she thinks is sexy dancing and then pushes her way into his field of vision and even poor Sean says he wishes he had his "rape whistle."  I wish I had hysterical blindness right about now, Sean, but we can't always get what we want.

Unilimbed Sarah sits down with Box of Rocks and confesses that she's had trouble with guys.  "They feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms."  Sadly, she was dating a semaphore instructor!  THTS SD SRH

OK, Chris Harrison is back to restore some sanity to the proceedings.  "Sean is possibly the most sincere bachelor we've ever had on the show."  Meanwhile, somewhere in Austin, Brad seethes at his TV.  "What did he say?  More sincere than me?  FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON, FUCK YOU TO HELL."

Let's give out the stems.  GGW gets one.  So does Drunk Wedding Dress!  Awesome!  I guess getting drunk really does pay off.  That's essential to my Life Plan, so I'm glad to see it manifested elsewhere.  Sadly, Crispy Cruise does not make the cut.  She doesn't know what he saw in the other girls that he didn't see in her!  Oh, I don't know, Kelly, maybe pliable skin?

NEXT WEEK:  I don't know, we go somewhere and chicks are forced to debase themselves for this nematode, I guess.


GG said...

If you've never heard it, the "Hiding in Plain Sight" episode of This American Life has a great segment about a one-armed dance instructor who successfully hides the missing arm (she has a fake one) in day-to-day life, including from guys she is making out with. It's fascinating, actually.

--rock over london said...

Health food store chick has a "healthy living" blog apparently...interesting. She must be on the Bachelor for pageview$.

Unknown said...

I became a fan of Sean right before he got dumped last season, so I'm looking forward to this one and to your recaps!

SLK in SF said...

Appreciate your selfless sacrifice in order to provide rollicking fun for your readers. I'm only watching the show to be able to keep up with your droll recaps.

Mad Amy said...

Your vocabulary continues to impress me!