Thursday, October 31, 2013

Do you want to know why non-Bostonians hate Boston sports? This is why.

Yay, Boston won the World Series! Good for you, Red Sox.  Bad for the rest of us.  Because we now have to read insufferable articles like this, by terrible baseball "writer" Jayson Stark.  Take it away, Jayson:

BOSTON -- Every once in a while, an evening comes along in your lifetime where sports aren't just sports.
What we witnessed Wednesday night at Fenway Park, where a century-old ballpark throbbed with passion and joy, was one of those nights. 
To call this a mere sporting event doesn't do it justice. To call this just a baseball game would not be adequate.
Even to describe this as the night the Red Sox won the World Series doesn't really capture it. 
Not on an evening when 38,447 people charged through the gates of Fenway and became part of what was very likely the most momentous sporting event to take place in the city of Boston in their time on this earth.
Did they ever think they would live to see this? Did they ever think they would live to experience this?
Holy fuck, did Jesus descend from heaven and go 3 for 4 with a dinger against Cards pitching and I fucking missed it? That must have been that brilliant shaft of light in the 1st inning! No? Oh, he's just talking about the Red Sox winning the World Series? LIKE THEY DID IN 2004 AND 2007?

Where do we start? With the smoke and the sadness of Patriots Day and the Boston Marathon?
With the collapse of 2011 and the disaster of 2012, which threatened to unravel a seemingly unbreakable bond between this team and the people who have spent their lives caring about the Red Sox way more than human beings should ever allow themselves to care about any little old sports franchise?
Or how about with 1918 -- and 95 frigging years of waiting? Uh, 95 years is kind of a long time, you know. Over these past 95 years, an incredible 1,166 players got at least one plate appearance for the Red Sox -- and never did this.
An astounding 701 pitchers walked to the mound wearing a Red Sox uniform -- and never did this.
Which serves as an excellent reminder that 1918 wasn't exactly last week, either.
Oh my fucking God.  My head. ATTENTION, JAYSON STARK: I need you to sit down, because I have some pretty amazing news.  In fact, this is going to blow your fucking mind.  THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES IN 2004 AND 2007!  Man, is that fucked up? You didn't know that, right?

I get it. I know he's talking about winning the last game in Boston.  Which, fine, fair enough.  But for Chrissakes, don't act like this is the Greatest Event in Human History when the Red Sox REGULARLY WIN THE WORLD SERIES.

It goes on and on and on and on this same vein - 56 unbearable paragraphs - including a drooling tribute to David Ortiz, who is on so much Human Growth Hormone that his head is roughly the size and shape of a basketball, but unlike Jayson Stark "weep[ing] for what [Alex Rodriguez] has done to the sport", it's all cool because David Ortiz plays for this scrappy band of brothers that just happens to have the 4th highest payroll in baseball.

Let us put ourselves out of misery:

This was a life experience for millions of people. And that's not something you can say on the final night of every World Series.
Actually, I think you can say EXACTLY that about EVERY final night of EVERY World Series.  Unless Kansas City ever wins it.


Stephen said...

Even I, the Red Sox fan closest to you, could not stop rolling my eyes at the "oh my, god, not since 1918" bullshit I heard before, during, and after the game. It really was breathlessly spun as though they hadn't won even a division series in 95 years. FINALLY, guys. FINALLY.

That said, if the Cardinals won, or Detroit, or Pittsburgh, or whoever, the same bullshit article would have been penned by someone. It's not just Sox fan writers who wax stupidic over their teams.

TK said...

I actually don't think the same bullshit article would have been written if the Cardinals or Detroit won. Since the Cardinals won 2 years ago, you could find out rather easily.

If Pittsburgh won, it would be a bit closer, but I maintain it would still be not even close to this terrible.

Civic Center said...

Thank you.

LB said...

Living here (in Stark's holy sports land or whatever this city is), there actually isn't as much excitement as I thought there'd be (thank god). Business as usual at the office, the instagrams of even the most obnoxious bostonians I know were fairly...nonexistent. It's just not that special when it happens three times in ten years. Yawn.

Stephen said...

OK, a slightly different bullshit article - "the right way, homegrown guys, fans know the game and therefore deserved this, purity of the game, etc."

GG said...

"To call this a mere sporting event doesn't do it justice."

Nope, because that is actually PRECISELY WHAT IT IS.

Stoney said...

To be fair, I remember getting goosebumps reading the McCovey Chronicles' equally rhapsodic (albeit much better written) article last year at this time.

TK said...

Michael -

My pleasure.

LB -

Interesting! But yeah, I guess it's gotta be hard to keep up the same intensity the third time. I hope to find out next year.

Stephen -

Well yeah, I already saw that article numerous times this season.

Tamagosan said...

I can only hope that this does not represent Boston sports writing.

It was hard to watch most of the games because Big Papi did take up most of the screen, but there was some entertaining ball in there. And even some good baseball.

Blogger said...

If you want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (even if they're dating somebody else now) you gotta watch this video
right away...

(VIDEO) Get your ex back with TEXT messages?

Blogger said...

+$3,624 profit last week...

Receive 5 Star verified winning bets on NFL, NBA, MLB & NHL + Anti-Vegas Smart Money Signals!!!