Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Bachelorette: Hell in a Phuket

Christ, I'm sorry about that title. That is just terrible.

Tonight the Douchecabal is off to Thailand where they will hopefully die in a powerboat drug-smuggling incident but probably not. We will also not be able to count the number of times Ashley Chipmunk says the name "Bentley" in voiceover. She loves that psychopath SO SO SO MUCH.

Solo date with Constantine, who has a head like a soccer ball and a lazy eye. They were gonna take a boat out to a private beach but the weather's no good so you know what Constantine's backup plan is? LET'S GO SHOPPING! The romance is strong in this one. They head into town in Phuket or whatever and Chipmunk sees a holy Thai shrine and squeals "That's so cute!!!" like it's a Chuck E. Cheese or something. She is really a dipshit, no joke. Constantine wants to interact with some locals so they stop to ask a kindly old shopkeeper for his advice on marriage and they rope in some hapless kid to interpret and he says "YOU BUY EVERYTHING IN STORE YOU HAPPY FOREVER" no actually he says something about "Don't try to win" which is fine if you're a BIG PUSSY. Anyway, they don't buy anything and then they have awkward beers at some kind of cafe and SHE STARTS BITCHING ABOUT BENTLEY IN VOICEOVER.

The dinner portion of the date is at our usual outdoor seaside cabana thing. Guess who's on Chipmunk's mind? One guess.

They fucking blather on about nothing and Soccer Ball Head gets a rose.

OK, next day. Group date. How do you think it starts? If you guessed "TALKING ABOUT FUCKING BENTLEY," go ahead and cut yourself as a reward. You've been very good holding out this long and we'll tell your therapist it was an accident.

Chipmunk takes about 10 douches out to this orphanage thing. "Maybe some of you guys know," she says, "but in 2004 there was a huge tsunami here and it left a lot of people really devastated." The guys all furrow their brows and try to figure out what the hell she's talking about. As it happens, they're going to do some cleaning and painting and whatnot at the orphanage and this is actually very very nice and it's hard for me to make fun of this except to say that the lime-aqua combo they're using to paint one of the rooms is TRAGIC.

Oh look, Ben F. has gone the extra step and painted a mural on one wall!

It's called "Miniature Pink Elephant with Vacuum Attachment Prepares to Hoover Up Flower Garden." Lovely!

Time for some Post-Charity Cocktails. Chipmunk tells Ben F. she "went through a hard time last week" and you know who she's talking about and this is now veering into the very very strange. Anyway, he manages to get a little makeout sesh with her which he then botches by actually saying "Ruh Roh" in the middle of it. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.

She goes off to talk to JP her BFF from last episode. You know who she mentions in the V.O. at this point right?

Anyway, she and JP start making out and whatever.

Next day, solo date with "Ames," the "Portfolio Manager" from "New York." As it happens, this nerdy little Achievebot has been to Phuket before! Alone! To go to cooking school!

What's this? A text from my sister, who says what we're all thinking at this point:

"Total gay. He is hoarding his roses to make potpourri."

What, a straight man can't go to Thailand alone to go to cooking school? No, as a matter of fact, he can't. Wait, here's Ames' account of his Best First Date: "I met SOMEBODY in a shoe store and they said 'What are you doing tonight' and I said 'Going out with you.'" They ended up dating a long time. Make of that what you will. Also, he tells Chipmunk he's looking for somebody "open-minded." OH I BET YOU ARE.

Another outdoor dinner! Another mention of You Know Who!

Ames looks at the rose on the table and says he prefers to think of it as a "floral piece." Girlfriend is redecorating the cabana in his mind already! He gets the floral piece and Chipmunk gets a new Gay Best Friend.

The Pre-Rose Cocktail Party is back on this week after a terrible hiatus last week. Chipmunk has a little chat with West, who definitely did not kill his first wife. He's ready to "move on" and presumably NOT KILL AGAIN. Chipmunk says she has "some pretty big shoes to fill." Pretty big bathtub full of water after you have a seizure too! That was terrible. I'm sorry about that.

Chipmunk sits down with Our Host Chris Harrison. Guess who she wants to talk about? Milton Friedman. No, silly! Anyway, she's only sending one guy home this week. Fuck, at this rate this show is going to take fucking FOREVER to finish. Cut to Rose Ceremony. West gets cut. SO TO SPEAK. If you decide to date West, take showers instead of baths. Just a little friendly advice.


GG said...

OK, you have pushed me over the edge. I found out ABC posts the full episodes online and I think I am finally going to have to watch one.

This is YOUR fault. YOURS. 100%. Good luck finding redemption for causing an innocent American to watch the Batchelorette, but I assume it will play out something like this: http://theoatmeal.com/blog/hamster_atonement

TK said...

My work here is done.

the default attorney said...

I actually watched part of this last night and lingered on it solely because of your recaps. Your recaps now make sense, but good lord this is an awful show.

GG said...

I can now give you a lot more credit for writing these recaps because really, I am speechless. I would honestly not know where to begin.

With "you probably can't call yourself 'nerdy' if you don't have an IQ above 70" or "SERIOUSLY, the thing you foresee as being most important about family life is 'doing things as a family'?!?!?" or "So you think relationships have 'a lot to do with timing' but you nevertheless think a good way to find one is compressing that timing into '30 dudes in 10 days' or whatever?" or "Ryan says he should be happy to be in Thailand rather than in combat overseas REALLY?????"

So... any of those... but I can at least say for certain that if I ever hear her voice saying "SO COOL!" ever again, I am going to kill her, myself, or the entire Douchecabal.



But please keep up the recaps because I don't think I'll be able to watch another episode, especially considering that LIFE IS A GIFT AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL LAST.

/insane rant