Thursday, October 28, 2010

World Series Game 1: Cliff Lee shits the bed

Isn't that, like, the most digusting expression you've ever heard? One of my coworkers used that and I was like "Who says that? Who shits the bed?" and he was like "You don't have kids, do you?" and I was all "Kids actually take a shit in the bed??" and he just looked all smug and said "Yep," and now I'm not 100% sure if I want to hve kids any more. I can't have people shitting in bed, whether or not they're my relations.


So yesterday we were told:

Cliff Lee is the most ungodly pitiching talent you will ever see. He throws 105 miles per hour and strikes out the guy selling churros in the stands, that's how good he is. If the Giants somehow manage to cobble together one run by cheating or divine intervention, it will truly be a Fatima-level miracle. This kid makes Sandy Koufax look like Salomon Torres after a three-day bender. Plus, he's from Arkansas, so he's a Real American.

Well then. This should be a tough game, no? Maybe Lincecum can just keep the Giants close. If they can just get to the Rangers' bullpen, maybe they have half a shot at something.

Started out worryingly, 2-0, after some shaky pitching and even shakier fielding by Tim Lincecum. I was all settled for a big disappointment. Then the Giants tied it on an error and a HBP and a couple of hits. So now it's 2-2 and I'm all maybe Cliff Lee does not, in fact, wake up every morning and touch the face of God as we've been led to believe.

Then comes the 5th inning. HOLY SHIT. Double, double, walk, single, and CLIFF LEE HAS TO LEAVE THE FUCKING GAME. Some other guy comes in and Uribe goes all jazz hands on him and all of a sudden it's 8-2.

Manos del jazz

This was the first time this postseason that I haven't been shallow-breathing and making crescents in my palms with my nails. What is this strange feeling? Why am I not rigid and sweating and Hurt Lockering all over the room? Oh, because the Giants have a 6-run lead. I'm not sure when the last time the Giants had a 6-run lead was, but it might have been September 23 when they beat the Cubs 13-0. A LONG TIME AGO.

But this is the Giants, so you know it's not going to be easy. 8-2 turns into 11-4 going into the 9th. Single, error, walk, wild pitch, walk. Now the bases are loaded and the guy at the plate could make it 11-8. So here comes Brian Wilson. Brian Wilson specializes in inducing heart attacks and strokes. That is his gift. So with the bases loaded, he gives up a pop fly (run) and a double (2 runs) and FINALLY gets the last out. 11-7 final. THANK GOD.

I don't want to get all negative here but I'm a Giants fan and that's what we do. (In fact, after Jonathan Sanchez's no-hitter, one of my fellow Giants fans said, "That's great, but he could have had a perfect game." If there's a better example of what being a Giants fan is all about, I don't know it.) There is NO WAY this team is going to score 11 runs every game, and if they make a habit of giving up 7 runs every game, they're going to be in deep shit.

See you at the game tonight.

(Also, I don't want to name names, but a Chronicle columnist whose name rhymes with Buck Devious is out there STEALING MY IDEAS!!!! Come on, man!)


Tamagosan said...

Nice write-up and certainly more entertaining than mine. JAZZ HANDS made me LOL ferrealz. Now every time Uribe comes up to bat, everyone will be chanting and I'll be the crazy person with the hand motions and the psychotic giggles. Thanks.

And yes, so entertaining to hear everyone (OK Sportscenter) be SO SURPRISED that the score wasn't Rangers 2, Giants negative 4. It almost sounded like they expected the pitcher's duel to involve real firearms...

My bf, who stopped by the bar during our huge lead and whose only baseball knowledge comes from what I mumble during games, knew enough to understand my anxiety at anything less than a ten-run buffer. Let's bring the Cain today so I can breathe a bit easier.

Oh yeah, guess you saw the CW bit. So sad, that guy.

Civic Center said...

Buck Devious is a Gen-You-Ine Asshole and hasn't had an original thought in his entire career. Just saying.