I didn't mean it like that

The other morning, The Wife and I were having one of those occasional bickering things that all couples have from time to time (except for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because their relationship is PERFECT IN EVERY WAY). And it was my impression (although this impression was not shared by The Wife) that she was being a little over-sensitive, if you will. That she was taking easy umbrage at everything I said, when I didn't mean to say anything mean or critical or whatever at all. So I said to her, sort of exasperated,

"You're just looking to get hurt today."

As you can plainly see, that sentence can be interpreted in two ways, one of them being what I meant, and one of them being I am going to beat you.

Since then, anytime I disagree with her, she faux-cowers and says, "Am I looking to get hurt again today?" HI-LARIOUS.

These Are the Things I Can Do Without #73, 41

#73: Justin Bieber

Since I'm not 12, Justin Bieber didn't explode into my consciousness like a white-hot supernova with a terrible haircut. No, instead he more or less seeped into my consciousness, like a slime mold with a terrible haircut. Now, I don't have a cold and dead heart and I can appreciate the sugary sweetness of a pop hit as much as the next person, but everything about this sawed-off little suburban nightmare makes my skin crawl.

Take a Xanax so you won't leap from your chair and smash your monitor and then we'll discuss:



Ugh. Ugh. It hurts so bad. Let's just start with the very disturbing fact that this little shit is apparently some type of teen sex idol and his fucking voice hasn't changed. I'm all for exploitation, but that is fucking creepy.

Then there's the faux-gangsta dialect he employs when his Good Friend Usher calls. Now, I imagine in real life and definitely in the world of this video, the only hardship JB has ever known is when he was late to soccer practice or Safeway was out of Honey Nut Cheerios, but you can tell he is DOWN because he says "Yo, Usher," and immediately affects a Fake Black Dialect and says "I can do dat."

I'm not even going to get into the song, an over-compressed, terribly-written, Autotuned-to-the-Gates-of-Hell piece of shit. I will point out that he addresses a young female suburbanite as "Shorty." I know I'm going to come off sounding like an Angry Oldster or a Dangerous Crank, but this really does suck.

#41: Fake Cheetos



I know you're eating macrobiotic and basically you have seaweed for lunch and you share a diet plan with a mature guinea pig and you would never eat swordfish because A it's overfished and B do you know how much mercury is in that? But when you lock the door and get ready to watch Every Mother's Worst Fear with Cheryl Ladd on Lifetime Movies Network, please at least have the dignity to buy ACTUAL CHEETOS, which are awesome and a gift from God, and not some fake Cheetos shit that I wouldn't even give my dog. Thank you.

I can't quit you, SFGate comments

Now, admittedly, SFGate's fun foto feature on Spring Break 2010 isn't exactly Woodward and Bernstein-level reportage, but it's a harmless enough little piece that doesn't hurt anyone and probably gets a ton of pageviews, since it features some skin. Ah, journalism in 2010. Anyway, whatever pays the bills.

Look, what fun!

College kids swarm sunny beaches and party like there's no tomorrow. Follow them vicariously.

Springbreakers on holiday: Vicky Perez, 19, from left, Lindsey Matute, 18, and Heather Smith, 19, play in the surf during spring break on South Beach, Miami Beach, Florida, March 18, 2010. Perez and Matute attend Miami-Dade College and Smith is a student at the University of Miami. (Al Diaz/Miami Herald/MCT)

SFGate Commenters, on the other hand, tend to take a rather dim view of any picture in which someone is depicted as having fun. It fails to comport with their bleak worldview. So what do they have to say?

Oh, that's sad. Frolic in the surf? YOU ARE DOOMED.

Christian troll is Christian.

Wait, you think this person is serious? How'd you like to have to recruit for a religion that considers bikinis "filth and debauchery"? Spend a weekend with me sometime, "sweatypie," and it'll put you in a mental institution.

I can't recall ever "making out with my girls friends for my hard-working fathers," but hey, whatever happened in ordinary_g's house is between him and Oprah.

New Bar Night: St. Mary's Pub

At first I was all, "Maybe I'll keep this one a secret so it doesn't get overrun" but then I was all "(A)," (yeah I actually said "A" in my head) "that's a douche move and (B) overrun by who? My tens of readers? I think I'll still be able to get a seat."

The usual Intrepid Crew assembled - on time, no fucking way! - last night at the 3300 Club on Mission. I've been there before so it doesn't count. It was the first time for other Intrepid Crewmembers and they were pretty much "whatever" but I like it because I'm almost always the youngest person in there and that's tough at my advanced age. Coupla drinks there and then we moved on to the selected destination.

[SIDE NOTE: Just in case you're wondering (and, wow, if you are, you are way more interested in this than anyone else), the NBN policy is to meet somewhere else familiar and then all hit the New Bar together as a unit, in case the New Bar is dangerous or too lame to be at alone. Check back with me if you want to know the other rules of NBN and I'll send you the brochure and DVD.]

Destination: St. Mary's Pub, 3845 Mission, at College Ave. There's a College Ave. in San Francisco? Who knew!? I guess this is in Bernal Heights, but it feels like a different city. We were like, "Hello, fine bartendress! We come from a strange and distant land called San Francisco! We do not know of your primitive ways! Please serve us a flagon of ale!"

Short version: We liked SMP a lot.

Longer version: Pretty standard no-pretense, no-scene bar. Giants and 49ers stuff on the walls. Internet jukebox. Extremely friendly and cute bartender named Meghan with an "h." Small crowd (like 4-5 people) of what appeared to be regulars. Like, regulars since the 70's. Separate back room with a pool table.

It's hard to say what's so appealing about this place. Certainly Meghan helped (thx for the shots, incidentally, M), but it's more that undefinable "Hmmm, I could hang out here" feeling. I mean, there's nothing really special or extraordinary about this place. It's just a nice, mellow bar. Sometimes you just want a bar and not a Scene. (You know where I'm talking about. It starts with P and ends with "op's".) Like Olu said, it'd be a good place to hang out and watch a Giants game. Three stars. We'll be back.

Worst spam ever

Fuck you. You're not even trying. At least you need to come up with a whole little letter about how I've won the Irish lottery and my email address was selected at random and so on and so forth. With some good ALL-CAPS names and Barrister Whatever garbage.

Since your email is from a Chilean domain (.cl), you may not know this, but they use the Euro in Ireland, not the pound.

Fucking idiots. It's like I've got to do everything for you people.

I really don't have a good title for this post. It's kind of all over the place.

- You know what the best part about the health care thing passing is? NOT HAVING TO TALK ABOUT IT ANY MORE. I am so fucking sick of hearing about it every day. My fave k-razy right wing radio guys are going to have to find some new topics and I couldn't be happier because now we can talk about Returning to the Gold Standard or Invading Belize or whatever kind of loony shit they can think up instead of health care. THANK FUCKING GOD.

- Tiger likes to text. Here's my fave:

Tiger:Sent: 07:12 PM 09/07/2009: No turkey unless it's a club sandwich

Me too! TIGER AND I ARE BROS. I pretty much only like turkey in club sandwiches myself. Now, I can do a turkey and ham - that's kind of a modified club, since the real club involves bacon - but I mostly avoid turkey in other sandwich settings.

You know what happens when you bring him a turkey sandwich?

Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009: I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around

O M G!! That's totally how I get when someone tries to force some turkey bullshit on me!

- Oh, have I got a deal for you: $35 for a one-hour Singing-Bowl Therapy Session:

You'll be placed with a small group of no more than 20 people (average of around 10 to 12) as you all let yourself relax to the tones of tranquility. Singing-Bowl Therapy delivers the unspoiled melodies of seven pure-crystal singing bowls that resonate at various pitches to fill the mind and flow through the body's inner networks. Each bowl is designed to stimulate one of the seven chakras. Beautiful frequencies restore order to the chakras and the result is a deeply focused center and a clearer state of mind.

I hoope the bowls are full of vodka or this customer's chakras are going to be pissed. Are you some kind of idiot who still relies on wine glass choirs? Dude, get with the fucking program:

Wine-glass choirs require constant attention and finger wetting, while a 60-minute singing-bowl session lets a patient rest at ease as the harmonic realm enters his or her consciousness.

Oh, something's entering my consciousness, alright.

And I don't even smoke pot

Something about this cartoon really irritates me:



I won't get into the portrayal of people who buy sweatshop-free clothes and fair trade coffee as smug and superior. On the one hand, good for those people for thinking about where their stuff comes from and caring enough to spend a little more to avoid clothes made by an 8-year-old for a dollar an hour or coffee grown on a plantation and blanketed with pesticide. On the other hand, the people that buy that stuff usually are smug and superior. Still, it's a lame construct because it's so easy. It's shooting coastal elites in a barrel.

So that's annoying. But I really dislike the implication that people who smoke pot are somehow responsible for murderous Mexican drug gangs. For one thing, although Mexico remains a huge producer of marijuana, I bet the liberal coastal elite types portrayed here either pay more for quality hydroponic shit or have a medical marijuana card like everyone else.

And, as I think is pretty clear, it's not marijuana that makes murders; it's the illegality of marijuana. Make it legal and my guess is that marijuana-related drug gang violence drops precipitously. After all, you can probably count on one hand the number of illegal cigarette-related murders every year.

It is no doubt true that if Americans suddenly stopped buying marijuana, some amount of violence in Mexico would be reduced (although I'm not sure how much, because I'm willing to bet that a huge amount of the violence stems from trade in cocaine and methamphetamine, rather than pot). But it's also true that decriminalization would do the same thing.

Kind of a drag for a Friday! Sorry! I'll be funny again next week!