Somebody doesn't like Cliff

2 blog posts in one day! I'm turning into Mission Mission over here.

Anyways, whilst out walking the dog yesterday, I came across this curious artifact on the sidewalk:

(Last name redacted in case Cliff isn't really a drunk driver or violent felon.)

WTF? It's one of those peel-off stickers that someone hasn't peeled off yet. Is this the Worst Nametag Ever or was someone planning on an Anti-Cliff campaign in my hood?

We walked another block and THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE, also not peeled. I picked 'em up, for sure. They'll be a hoot at parties.

The Wife found another one this morning when she was walking the dog. What the fuck is going on?

Exercise with TK

Exercise has never really been my bag. I mean, for most of my life I had this crazy metabolism where I could eat anything I wanted and still look like a P.O.W. but I usually didn't eat that much anyway unless a lime in a Jack and Coke counts as food. Then you get to a certain age and shit starts to go south. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not like morbidly obese but I'm 6'4" and hovering around 200 freaks me out. I used to rock a solid 185 pretty much all the time so you know what I'm saying.

Also, exercise is supposedly good for you and whatever. If walking to a bar counts as exercise then I used to be all set.

SO ANYWAY I've been trying out some exercise. A few years ago when I lived in North Beach I used to take these long epic walks to like the Presidio and back but that wasn't just for exercise but also because I lived above these two kids whose Mom used to take off and leave them alone and they'd blast Metallica at like 9 on a Monday night and I just had to get out of thew house. Then I joined a gym but I didn't really like it because I'm not really a gym person and everyone else there was super fucking annoying (I'm talking to you, Bluetooth Guy Who Drank Coffee While Working Out Like What the Fuck). I used to run cross country back in high school and tried doing that again but it was fucking murder on my knees so I had to abandon that.

So you guys I know this is boring but I think I finally found my thing. It's doing these workout that things they have on Comcast On Demand with Chris Freytag.



This bitch has this whole set of like 20-minute long workouts on On Demand and she is KICKING MY FUCKING ASS. Swear to God, you may think TV workouts are for bored housewives and mental deficients, but by the time one of these gems is over I'm squirting sweat from every pore and breathing like a fat kid at Field Day. Bitch has no mercy.

So yeah, I know I'm totally doing Lady Exercise but WHATEVER. Haters gonna hate. At least I'm fucking doing SOMETHING every day. Plus, check out Mandy! She looking good! Maybe I can lose 113 pounds too.

The Bachelorette: A Very Special All-Crying Episode!

Like many of you, or nobody else in the world, I spent last night flipping back and forth between The Trials of Ashley Chipmunk on DVR and the 13-inning marathon that the Giants eventually won and so forgive me if I accidentally write about Chipmunk's date with Jeremy Affeldt or seem to remember Bentley bunting in the 11th. ANYWAY.

Solo date with Ben C. I have no memory of this anonydude. Chipmunk tells us that she's been working with "Flash Mob America" to coordinate the perfect Flash Mob. Oh Christ. Flash Mob America's website is down today, I assume because there are thousands of mouthbreathing jelly donuts who have never heard the term "Flash Mob" and are furiously looking it up on AOL today but their Tumblr says they are "a nationwide, full service Flash Mob production company with an extensive community of passionate Flash Mob enthusiasts from all over the country!" Oh fuck you.

Anyway, they go to some fancy-ass strip mall with a lawn called "The Americana" in fucking Glendale and sit on the tiny patch of grass while tourists and shopaholics photograph them like they're snow leopards or retarded monkeys. Then Flash Mob America shows up for a carefully packaged and rehearsed spontaneous dance exhibition to "Like a G6" and God if I never hear that song again it'll be too soon. Oh look, Far East Movement is here because I guess donating bone marrow or going to a poetry slam wasn't painful enough.

(At this point, I got a text from an associate that said "Helicopters: Out. Asians: In" but I didn't understand it at all until she clarified that Far East Movement contains Asians but it's cool because she's 1/4 Asian.)

They have dinner at the Hilton Checkers (really, Hilton? Hilton Checkers? The fuck?) and Ben C. is apparently dining on pharmaceutical grade cocaine because he starts babbling wildly about wanting to "live in a bubble with somebody" which is in fact an "unrealistic idealistic bubble where we're convinced we're more in love than any other couple that ever lived" and then sucks in air through his teeth and goes "MAN I FUCKING LOVE THE HILTON CHECKERS AND BEING ON THIS SHOW. FUCKING LOVE IT." Chipmunk seems to like this mania.

Back at Douche Ranch, Mask Guy takes Ash aside and is ready to take off the mask and he does it and OMG IT'S COREY HAIM HE IS STILL ALIVE oh wait no, it's just another jerkoff with a Failed Dating Strategy. Whatever.

For our Group Date, a bunch of us will go to the Comedy Store in LA and do a Hi-Fucking-Larious roast of Ashley. I'm running long here, so I'll condense it: Small boob joke; small boob joke; small boob joke; William says he wishes it was Emily or Chantal on the show instead of Chipmunk; small boob joke. WHOOPS! Ashley cries and cries. Bentley goes to comfort her in his menacing way and says her boobs are great and chuckles evilly and SHE EATS THAT SHIT UP. Meanwhile, William keeps hitting himself in the head with his shoe and going "Stupid! Stupid!" Dramatic shots of him wandering the streets of West Hollywood. Ashley is chatting with Demasked Guy, who tries to comfort her by telling her he adopted a three-legged dog. CHRIST MASK GUY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT? Also, her fake eyelashes are now all wet and look like swim fins attached to her eyelids. Gross.

Next day at the Bachelorette house, Chipmunk is walking around the pool and gazing meaningfully into middle distance. She is in love with Bentley, we learn. Cut to Bentley, who says he's not "feeling it" and he "played everyone" and WTF? If by "played everyone" you mean "convinced America that I'm a psychopathic monster," then yes. He goes over there to tell her he's splitting. He makes up some shit about missing his daughter but tells us secretly it's just because he's not feeling it. Chipmunk cries cries cries cries. How will she go on without this emotionless crapmonster in her life? He's off to go home and tend to the severed heads in his fridge and torture some animals or whatever. Chicks love assholes. It is so true.

But now who will treat me like shit? PLEASE DON'T GO!!!

So she's got to pull herself together for a date with JP Gordon-Levitt. This date is apparently ordering Chinese food and sitting on the floor in PJs while she cries about Bentley. What is he, her fat best friend? Maybe they'll braid each other's hair and make collages! He gets the Sympathetic Friend Rose. Then they make out.

No pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party b/c Chipmunk is still devastated about Psycho Killer leaving. Let's go straight to the cuts. She is wearing a dress made from crumpled aluminum foil. Maybe she and JP did crafts last night too! I fast-forwarded through most of this but I can report that she cut Mask Guy, who can now form a traveling circus with his three-legged dog, and some guy named Chris who I didn't know was on the show. That's about it.

Your Free iTunes Downloads Reviews

You may or may not know that iTunes offers a couple or a few free downloads every day. In our continuing quest to deliver Quality Content™ and Value Added Something or Other™, we will periodically listen to these free downloads and tell you if there's anything good.

IS THERE ANYTHING GOOD TODAY? Sort of, maybe.

First up is a free video!

LMFAO, "Party Rock Anthem"



Oh God this is terrible. TERRIBLE. If your stated goal is to make a "Party Rock Anthem," why is it SO FUCKING BORING? Seriously, I've heard commercials with better hooks than this song.

I could give a shit about the post-apocalyptic zombie video or whatever.

Everybody involved in this should be ashamed of themselves. Or shot.

Herencia de Timbiqui, "Y Qué"



This is fine, I guess. I don't really know anything about this kind of music. Including what genre this even is. I guess I'm trying to say that this is so far outside my wheelhouse that I have no idea whether it's any good or not.

Royal Tailor, "Black & White"



This is apparently some kind of Christian pop-rock band. JESUS IS VERY MAD AT YOU FOR MAKING THIS SONG. It's like crappy Jamiroquai. Is that redundant?

(Also, maybe I'm not reading it closely enough, but I don't detect any religious content in these lyrics at all. It seems like a run-of-the-mill "I'm sorry I hurt you and I want you back" song. Maybe the Christian part is so cleverly camoflaged that only the Pure of Heart and Spirit can decipher it, and that's not me.)

Lowline, "Outside"



It's not terrible! Compared to the others, it's positively glowing! I mean, it's derivative as all hell (hello, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club!) but that's OK. I probably wouldn't seek it out but it didn't pain me to listen to it like that fucking LMFAO song.

THE VERDICT: Might as well download the Lowline song. I mean, it's free. The "Y Qué" song is fine, if you're into that kind of thing. Avoid the other two like the fucking plague. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, that LMFAO song is the aural equivalent of botulism.

VOMIT TRAIN!!!!!!

SFAPPEAL IS THERE:

Officials at the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency are looking into why a Muni light rail operator did not let people off a train after a passenger became ill and vomited onboard, a spokesman said.

An outbound K-T train took on an unpleasant odor when a passenger began throwing up at about 8:10 a.m. at Montgomery Station, Muni spokesman Paul Rose said.

The operator was ordered to allow passengers off at Montgomery station and then to take the train directly to West Portal station, where it would be cleaned, Rose said.

"The plan was always to take the train out of service at West Portal," he said.

Control room officials, however, noticed the train still had passengers aboard as it bypassed Powell Street and Civic Center stations, and ordered the operator to stop at Van Ness station to do so, Rose said. When the train finally stopped at Van Ness station, the passengers were allowed to leave. It was then taken to the West Portal station, cleaned, and returned to service. No significant delays were reported, Rose said.

Here's how I picture it:

INT. MUNI TRAIN - UNDERGROUND

A crowded Muni train. The morning commute. Passengers sit and stand, some looking at their phones, some listening to music through white earbuds. A newspaper rustles.

Suddenly a SICK PASSENGER begins throwing up. There is an audible gasp and other PASSENGERS scurry to get out of the way of the noxious stream.

DON, a suit-wearing businessman in his late 30's standing near the front of the train, yells to the driver.

DON

Driver, stop the train! This man is ill! He is vomiting!

We see the DRIVER look over his shoulder as the train roars toward MONTGOMERY STATION.

DRIVER

The fuck you say!?

DON

Stop the train! This man needs help!

The DRIVER looks forward as the train nears the brightly-lit STATION. He narrows his eyes. We see him push the train throttle all the way forward.

DRIVER
(muttering)

Fuck that.

The train roars through the station. PASSENGERS begin screaming. PEGGY, a chubby, early-50's receptionist type, looks at the DRIVER beseechingly.

PEGGY

We're all going to die in here!

PEGGY faints.

DRIVER

Maybe.

(P.S. I'm counting this as a Muni accident, and have reset the counter accordingly.)

Joel Kinnaman is a great actor but is also lying about something

This is sort of going to be about "The Killing" on AMC, but sort of not also. I know that some of you are watching and enjoying it. We are too. A lot of critics appear to be very mad about this show, and I agree with some of the criticisms; there have been some ridiculous coincidences, and the fantasy that the general public breathlessly follows a mayoral election is laughable, and so on, and so on, but in general, I'd say that we're enjoying it, for what it's worth.

Now let's talk about Joel Kinnaman for a second. He's an actor from Sweden who plays one of the two detectives, and I think he's the best thing about the show. He's kind of a dirtbag former juvenile delinquent recovering meth addict who happens to be a police detective, and he has this air of quiet menace and danger that makes him far and away the most interesting character on the show. It's really worth watching just for him.

(Kinnaman also has a pretty amazing backstory - raised in Stockholm by an American expat father who had kids with a bunch of different women and so forth.)

ANYWAY, there was this interview with Kinnaman on Salon.com that is totally worth reading and really interesting and in which he blatantly lies to us at one point:

Are you familiar with the Tumblr "Fuck Yeah Joel Kinnaman"?

[laughs] No, I am not.

BZZZZZT!!!! You're lying, Joel Kinnaman. Know how I know you're lying? Because look what happens when you GOOGLE YOUR OWN NAME:



You see that? Fuck Yeah Joel Kinnaman is the FOURTH FUCKING RESULT. And you've never heard of it? BULLSHIT. Actors are some of the most self-centered narcissistic people on the planet. They probably Google themselves DAILY or HOURLY. And Joel's never noticed the FOURTH MOST POPULAR RESULT?

In other Joel Kinnaman news, he only has 440 followers on Twitter! I have more than that! I feel bad for him now. Let's all follow him on Twitter.

This has been your Joel Kinnaman news for the day.

(This post will probably be in the Top 10 results for his name soon. HI JOEL KINNAMAN! NO HARD FEELINGS!)

Go ahead, pass that circumcision ban!

I'm actually hoping that the proposed ban on circumcision in San Francisco passes, and I'll tell you why. Because of my plan to open a 24-hour circumcision mill just across the border in Daly City.

What do you think? Do you like "Cut 'N' Run"? I was also thinking "Circumfashion" or "Tip Top Removal Service."

See, if the ban passes in SF, obviously circumcision will still be legal just a stone's throw down Mission Street in Daly City, or across the bridge in Oakland, or across the other bridge in Marin. And obviously as long as there's Jews or just people who wanna circumcise their kids, there's a market for it, so VOILA, I'll be there to pick up the slack. Or cut off the slack, as it were. POW!!!

(Speaking of Marin, can't you just picture the circumcision outfit there? Soft lighting, quiet New Age music playing on hidden speakers, the gentle scent of herbal tea, and circumcision tables padded with supple calfskin. Divine.)

(The pic is some hairstylist in Toronto. Credit to Blogto.com. Hopefully no one gets mad.)