Thursday, December 3, 2009

Melt the pounds, and sadness, away with the TK Diet

Imagine my dismay when I stepped upon the scale after returning from Thanksgiving break and found that I had ballooned to an unsavory 205 pounds. Now, I'm 6'4" tall, so it's not like I'm getting mistaken for Chris Farley (plus, I'm not dead, so there's that), but I like to keep things in the 190 to 200 range. My lanky frame drives the ladies wild. Or something.

So I'm on the TK Diet. Now, let me warn you, the TK Diet is not for everyone. Actually, it's never been medically evaluated, and from what I can tell, it's probably extremely unsafe for anyone except me. So don't try this at home.

Here's how it works: I figure I need to cut my intake to about 2400 calories a day to become de-fatified. It's actually kind of surprising how easy this is. First, let's get the eating part out of the way. Have a sandwich and a Lean Cuisine and a lot of cucumber and blah blah blah you're only up to like 800 calories. I don't really care so much about the food. That leaves 1600 calories for what's important:


Now, you can just forget Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (175 cal). God forbid you have a Flying Dog Double Dog Pale Ale (292 fucking calories! Jesus!). We're all about getting the most per calorie we can.

I guess you could go with Michelob Ultra (94) but I had 4 of them last night and they taste like ass. Miller Lite has 96, but come the fuck on. We're not drinking that.

No, in the end I'll spend the extra 50 calories a can and stick with good old PBR (153). Cheap, reliable, dependable.

Or I guess you could have 22 shots of Jameson instead (70 cal). THAT'S LIVIN' RIGHT THERE.

(Practitioners of the TK Diet, you will find this site and this site extremely helpful.)

How funny is it that has a handy-dandy alcohol calorie calculator right there on the site? THANKS, COLLEGE DRINKING PREVENTION!!! Now I can get shitfaced without getting fat! You guys rule.


fisherbelle said...

If Sierra has only 25 calories more than PBR and it takes less of them to make me drunk, I know which path I'm going down.

TK said...

But if you have 6, that's 150 extra calories! That's a whole extra PBR you could have.

I see your point, though. But I actually like PBR, so I'm not the best person to talk to about this.

generic said...

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa


When you say "a shot", do you mean "one ounce"?

Anonymous said...

From a quick plot of the data, I figuar the best bang for your buck is

- Keystone Ice (5.9%/142)

followed closely by

- Milwaukee's Best Ice (5.9%/144C)

All of the ice beers hit a magic ratio of high-ish % with reasonable calories.

Surprising contenders? Olde English 800 (5.9%/160) and Rolling Rock (4.5%/120). Rolling Olde, indeed.

But if we use the math, specifically %alcohol/calories, surprising trends develop.

Milwaukee's Best Light leads the alcohol-per-calorie list at 4.59, topping Keystone ice by a whopping half point per calorie!

3.20 Anchor Steam
3.20 Sierra Nevada
3.27 PBR
3.29 MGD
3.45 Bud
3.46 Red Hook
3.69 Olde English 800
3.75 Rolling Rock
3.82 Bud Light
4.15 Keystone Ice
4.38 Miller Genuine Draft "64"
4.38 Miller Lite
4.42 Anheuser Busch Natural Light
4.59 Milwaukee's Best Light

So presuming you have ready access to a bathroom (or a catheter), hit the lite hard.

TK said...

burritojustice was too modest to point out the exhaustive work he's done on this issue on his own site:

As usual, well done, mate.

I haven't had a Milwaukee's Best since college. I think it was $6 or $7 a case then.

Anonymous said...

But please do realize I got the inspiration and did the seminal work here at the 40GO28 Research Laboratory.

Jessica said...

I have actually tried the trading-in-beer-for-whiskey diet. There were some significant side effects, but I can't remember them because I was really drunk.

Greg said...

Back in the early 90s they came out with the so-called "dry" beers, an odd name for a beer. However, they were known for having fewer calories and tended to have higher alcohol because of the way they were brewed.

ice beers are literally frozen and some of the water is taken out (sorta) and you're left with more alcohol, but also more calories.

Rocco said...

or, you could just take a roofie and skip the calories altogether.