Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"Natural causes": Our Nation's New Menace

Authorities said Monday it appeared actress Brittany Murphy died of natural causes after becoming ill with flulike symptoms in the days before she collapsed in the bathroom of her Hollywood Hills home.


The drummer with Avenged Sevenfold, a rising force in the heavy metal scene, died on Monday at his home in southern California, the group and authorities said.

James Owen Sullivan, nicknamed "The Rev," appeared to have died of natural causes, Huntington Beach police Lt. John Domingo said. He was 28.

WTF? Natural causes used to mean "died of old age." Now, apparently, it basically covers everything. 28-year-olds do not just die. There's a reason. I mean, fuck, I guess you could get hit by a bus and then someone could say "He died of natural causes after he suffered massive organ failure," but that wouldn't really be telling the whole story, would it?

Brittany Murphy was on like 38 prescription drugs. MAYBE that had something to do with her death. The drummer guy, I have no idea, but c'mon, do the math. He was a professional musician. Maybe - just maybe - drugs might have been involved?

In the meantime, forget about H1N1 or underwear bombers. The real thing to be afraid of is that "natural causes." It's coming to get you.

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