I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition for the first time and I had some thoughts on that

I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep throwing blog posts out at you like they're beads at Mardi Gras and you're showing me your tits, but I forgot I wanted to talk about Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Now, as I understood it, what they do on this show is go to some especially impoverished family who also happens to do really great things and give them a new house, right? So if you live on $12 a day and you also just happen to be raising 13 Down Syndrome kids and you also started a soup kitchen in your garage, EMHE shows up and builds you a new house and then you cry and everyone cries.

SO last night I watched this show for the first time ever and the focus is on this family where one of the daughters died because she was texting while driving. And so now - I am not kidding about this - now they tow her death car around to schools and talk about not texting and driving. I mean, that's a good message and everything, but it seems a little morbid to me. Plus I don't know how you can text and drive. I can't even text and walk. I'm not a teenage girl, though.

There were so many weird things about this show that it's hard to know where to start. But here are a few:

1. Partway through this show, who shows up? JUSTIN BIEBER. I know, right? What the fuck? He signed a pledge not to text and drive. And then he had the Surviving Daughter and her pals out to NYC to watch him perform. Oddly, the whole episode seemed to be about Justin Bieber. OH he has a movie coming out. So it was basically a long-form ad for his new movie.

2. The family looked like they were doing OK! There were pictures of them on their trip to Turkey! I've never been to Turkey!

3. In their new house, one wall was all decorated up with stuff about not texting and driving. Super morbid! How would you like to be reminded of how your daughter died every day? Like if your brother died of a heart attack and one wall of your house was painted with the words HEART ATTACK or HEART ATTACKS KILL KILL KILL and pictures of hearts and stuff? You'd freak out, right?

4. They got like a life-size bronze statue of a bull and built a BBQ grill into it! And the SMOKE COMES OUT THE BULL'S NOSTRILS!!! SO FUCKING WEIRD.

5. The Wife, who has watched this show in the past, points out that they always do the same thing: they find one thing that someone's interested in and then blow it way way way out of proportion. Like say you happen to mention casually to the EMHE guys that you saw "The Godfather" once and thought it was a pretty good movie. Well, they'll run with that and Ty will go "You know, Jackson or whatever your name is is really into The Godfather! Let's build a Godfather-themed Italian restaurant right into the house!!!!!!"

6. Really, did they run out of single moms who take in tons of kids and raise them? They're all good? Are we down to families whose daughter died while texting and who, coincidentally, could use a new house to keep their shit in when they're not busy jetting off to Turkey?

Notes from this weekend

After band practice on Saturday I had a couple of beers with some friends at Shotwell's and that was cool and whatnot but everyone had to go so it broke up around 7. I was walking home and I passed Makeout Room so I decided to stop for a pint. It was a little crowded, nothing too crazy, and then these kids - like 12 or 13-year-olds - start playing covers like "Back in the USSR" and "7 Nation Army" and fucking "Purple Haze" and I surmised it was some kind of School of Rock thing because they do those shows every once in a while with kids playing covers. I don't want to sound like a dick but they weren't that great.

So I noticed that the bartender didn't charge me and I decided to get another pint and I said "You know, you didn't charge me for that last beer" and she was all "It's an open bar" and I was like WTF? But you don't really look a gift horse in the mouth. So then I got out me trusty phone and looked up the Makeout Room's calendar and it was right about the time when I saw it said "Private Party" that a guy onstage told everyone to wish Tony a happy birthday. So Happy Birthday, Tony, and thanks for the beers.

So then yesterday we had brunch at Nopa and it was great and everything but it was also kinda like being in a magazine. I mean, everyone was totally stylish and hip and wearing sunglasses and shit and I kinda felt like I was maybe not cool enough for brunch at Nopa. Good Bloody Mary, though. Do you capitalize Bloody Mary? Then we went to Beach Chalet and then we went to the Fireside and then we went home.

Today I'm fighting with some asshole on the Internet. Fucking Mondays, am I right?

Charlie Sheen is my spirit animal

What's your morning routine? Get up, shower, maybe a bagel w/ lowfat chive, and so on? Mine's like that too, plus I always check on how Charlie Sheen's doing. Big night Tuesday!

Sources who were present at Charlie's house during his 36-hour party tell us ... after a man delivered a briefcase full of cocaine to the house early Wednesday morning, Charlie pulled out a small green pipe and started smoking cocaine continuously ... for hours.

There are many wild details, but we're told eventually Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn, as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

We're told Charlie, who fancies himself as a porn connoisseur, was questioning his companion about angles and body shots. We're told the porn star was "surprised" by the depth of Charlie's knowledge.

Hey-O!!!! You know what's fun to do with porn stars? WATCH PORN. I bet they never get tired of that! It's like watching "House" with a doctor! They're all "That doesn't really happen. It's not like that." And you're all "SHUT UP I'M WATCHING HOUSE."

So many great things about this story. Briefcase full of cocaine! Theater room! Small green pipe! Stars! They're just like us!

Charlie Sheen is just a sick symbol of our celebrity-obsessed, overly permissive culture Fuck that! Charlie Sheen just has enough cash to PARTY BETTER THAN YOU. You know you'd do the same thing if you got paid 10 million dollars per episode or whatever for your shitty sitcom!

(Unless you're a girl. Then you can replace "briefcase full of cocaine" with "Louboutins" and "watching porn" with "some other sexist thing I can't think of right now.")

But really, Charlie Sheen, where do you go from here? I mean, once you spend a whole night and the next day smoking a briefcase full of cocaine with porn stars while watching porn for three hours, what tops that? Skydiving naked with 8 porn stars while injecting cocaine into your eyes? WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU, CHARLIE SHEEN? PULL UP A CHAIR AND TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

P.S. Kacey Jordan? CALL ME!!!!

[UPDATE!!!!!!!!!! Charlie went to rehab. I'm not gonna lie; I'm a little disappointed. I was looking forward to SIX porn stars and 48 straight hours of partying.]

This blog post is at Threat Level Heather Grey

EXHALE. FINALLY. We are no longer at THREAT LEVEL ORANGE:

Starting Thursday, the Homeland Security Department will begin phasing out the nation's color-coded terror-threat system, ending it entirely by April 27, officials tell the Associated Press. The five-tiered warnings were created after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The "national threat level" has not changed since 2006 -- yellow, or "elevated," the middle rating. For all domestic and international flights, it has been one level up at orange, or "high."

Well, thank God for that. I know I've been in a state of TOTAL PANIC AND FEAR since we went to Threat Level Orange in 2006. Oh, wait, it was yellow. Unless you're flying. Then it's Orange. Unless it's Delta. Then it's Red. Just kidding. I've been in a state of total panic and fear my whole life. The threat of being blowed up was a nice break in the day for me.

The whole Threat Level thing now seems like such an artifact from the Early Aughts when we were busy buying duct tape and plastci sheeting and alerting the authorities anytime someone in a turban was in front of us in line at BK. It was obviously part of the government's hamhanded attempts to keep us in abject terror all the time. It worked on some people! They're just watching Glenn Beck now.

Wait, I had another point to make. What was it. Oh, right, it's this: There is absolutely, without a doubt, going to be another terrorist attack in our lifetimes. That's because (1) there are terrorists, and (2) they're crazy and want to be on the news. Also, our foreign policy increases the risk of terrorism. Oh, that was stupid! ANYWAY, point being, there's no way to be 100% safe from terrorist attack, even though that's what we expect of our government and what we impliedly hope we're getting by subjecting ourselve to the ridiculous Security Theater at the airport and whatnot. Hell, you're more likely to die by falling than die in a terrorist attack.

So what are we replacing our Threat Level Peach system with? Obviously, we won't want to scare people or anything, right? Right?

The Obama administration plans to replace the widely mocked color-coded terror warnings with a simpler, two-tier system: “imminent threat” or “elevated threat,” with more detailed information.

Oh, that's just fucking great. Now we have two choices: "Elevated Threat" and "You Are All Going to Die So Say Goodbye to Your Loved Ones Right Now." Much better.

The Bachelor: Crazy Michelle Is Upsetting the Herd

Let us now rejoin Human Lump of Oatmeal Brad and his quest to find a mate. Crazy Michelle begins the show by demonstrating her suitability for the job by giving herself a black eye in her sleep. Around here, we call that I Get the Kids and the House and the Restraining Order When the Cops See This. Oh boy.

Brad goes on a Solo Date with Chantal. I like Chantal! She’s cute and doesn’t seem fucked up, so something’s wrong here. First helicopter sighting of the season! They are off to Catalina Island to have a romantic walk on the beach walk on the floor of the ocean like they’re in some cheap sci-fi movie. WTF? Chantal is terrified of the water but she gamely dons the plastic headgear and goes under and promptly drowns. No, not really. No one ever dies on this show. After that odd interlude concludes, it’s time for the classic Romantic Dinner on the Beach. Chantal’s been married before but “totally” wants to get married again. Unfortunately, Human Lump of Oatmeal is the only Available Mate within arm’s reach. STAY ALIVE CHANTAL I WILL MARRY YOU IF MY CURRENT THING DOESN’T WORK OUT.

Group date time! They’re off to appear with Dr. Drew on Loveline. Dr. Drew now has a clause in his contract where he has to appear on every reality show. Have you ever listened to Loveline? It’s kind of awesome. Every single chick who calls in was abused as a child. And then they talk about anal sex. Apparently being abused as a child is the leading cause of listening to Loveline. Anyway, disappointingly, none of Our Gals want to talk about anal lube or shooting heroin into someone’s penis. Instead, Dr. Drew lamely asks them who’s cheated. Everyone lies except for one chick. Dr. Drew falls asleep from boredom.

Off to a Hot Tub Party at Brad’s pad. Why are some chicks wearing swimsuits and some not? The Wife explains: “Because some of them think they’re fat and aren’t getting into a bikini next to Miss Two Percent Body Fat.” Brad starts having Alone Time with the chicks in like 30-second increments and meanwhile it’s getting all Lord of the Flies in the hot tub and soon somebody’s going to freak out. Britt gets the rose. Wasn’t she the one who was so uptight she wouldn’t hold hands like 2 episodes ago? Now she’s doing Personal Endoscopy on Human Lump with her tongue.

Time for a Solo Date with Crazy Michelle. More helicopters!



Where are they going? Hopefully to a State Facility where Michelle can get the help she badly needs. No, they’re landing on a skyscraper in LA and now they’re going to rappel down the side. Those helmets will certainly be helpful in a 60-story fall. Natch, CM’s afraid of heights. This should cure that.

(SIDE NOTE: Want to rappel over a steep cliff and be totally safe with no problems at all? This eHow article should tell everything you need to know. LOLz.)

Then they take a swim in the obligatory pool and she unhinges her jaw and swallows him whole. On to the rooftop pool dinner. Brad wants to meet CM’s daughter, who is apparently named either Braille or Brill. Maybe he wants to find out if the black eye thing is genetic.

Oh Christ, another meeting with the therapist? Waaaah, Doctor! Should I buy whole milk or 2%? Is Animaniacs any good? Do you like this shirt? Jesus Christ, Brad, grow the fuck up. It's a reality show, not dissociative identity disorder.

Time for the Cocktail Party. Funeral Director reminds Brad that she exists by jumping on him. Whoa, Holy Botox, Batman! I just noticed that her forehead is frozen solid. She makes Nicole Kidman look like a shar-pei. Oh no, now Chantal and her Man’s Chunky Watch are crying! Everyone’s a little emotional. It’s from drinking 24/7. Trust me.

Who gets cut? Marissa! Who the fuck is Marissa? Also Stacey the bartender and Lindsay the pre-Raphaelite first grade teacher and some other chick. Just marry Lifetime Emily and get it over with.

More about movies: Movie quotes in real life

The (I'm sure; not speaking from personal experience) lovely and charming Zoë Stagg speaks on a topic that I've thought often about but which has never bubbled up to the surface of my blog-consciousness, viz., movie quotes that have made it into your regular everyday speech:

This isn’t your “that’s not a knife,” no sirs and ma’ams. This list is lines from movies that are so utilitarian they have sneaked, in whatever paraphrased form, into my actual script o’ life. To qualify, they not only have to roll like Skippy 100% Natural, and they have to have an under-the-radar secret memory smile to them.

Recognizable, sure, some of them, but they weren’t the taglines on any posters. Google was not molested to ensure their accuracy, they’re presented as I remember—and use them.

1. “Come friends, let us away.” Martin Sheen’s not-president character in The American President. USE: When you’re in a group of people doing that “where should we go eat, are we getting in cars, can someone make a plan please?”

2. “That’s a decision every girl has got to make for herself.” Clueless. What. Come at me. Cher, talking about Tai’s virginity, I think. USE: To agree to disagree, to aid and abet questionable taste—yours, or otherwise.

3.“Why am I back here on brain detail?” Infinitely quotable, Pulp Fiction. But this is the most infinitely usable scrap from the Martin’s brains scene. USE: Hello, charmingly friend, can you lend a hand here on this disgusting task that should be more your bag than mine, hey and thanks!

4. “Yeah. I hate bugs.” More a cautionary reminder to myself from the “what should our prom theme be?” scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. USE: When you find yourself making a particularly inane and insufferably vapid proclamation, scold yourself with this.

5. “This is it. Don’t get scared now.” The Kevin McAllister mantra of bravery, Home Alone. USE: Constantly, in situations of peril.

Honorable Mention: “Put. The bunny. Down.” One of the finest American action films with an unbelievable cast. Con Air. From the belly of the plane scene? I remember fire. USE: Cease your irritation of me and your overstepping of my patience and cut it OUT.

SO? Come at me with your quotes. It’d be a whole lot cooler if you did…

I will! I will!

1. "Well, this is all very good news. And this is empty."

From "Where the Buffalo Roam," a semi-forgotten 1980 classic in which Bill Murray plays Hunter S. Thompson SO WELL. This line is typically deployed when, well, something is very good news; the "this is empty" part is a vestigial remnant from the film (where it refers, as it happens, to an empty cocaine vial) and no longer carries any meaning, but sticks around because it was there originally. Like an appendix or male nipples.

2. "I get very greedy with my supplies once we're airborne."

Same movie. Used whenever there is a fixed quantity of something and you've offered some up, for the last time.

3. "I will not be ignored, Dan."

From "Fatal Attraction," of course. Used to overdramatize situations in which someone is not giving you your proper heed. Example: You're talking to someone who is watching TV/playing on their phone/asleep and they aren't listening to you.

4. "I shouldn't have drunk all that cough syrup this morning."

Bill Murray again, this time in "Stripes," one of those movies I've seen a double digits number of times. Used whenever one groggily does something stupid, i.e., turns on empty coffee maker, puts keys in fridge.

5. "This kind of thing is very common in show business."

Not from a movie, actually, but from "Seinfeld," a Quote Factory in its own right. I tend to break this out whenever I am telling The Wife about some perceived incident of flirting with some girl in the world. She has her own ideas about whether any actual flirting ever occurs.

Speaking of The Wife, she has a few of her own:

1. "Now, is that civilized? Clearly not."

"Gremlins 2." Used when something is clearly uncivilized.

2. "You're a handsome devil. What's your name?"

This is The Wife's go-to line when meeting a new baby. Usually male, I guess. It's from "Grosse Pointe Blank."

3. "I saved Latin. What did you do?"

Used when someone is bragging about something. From the second-best movie of all time, "Rushmore."

What are yours? Do tell.

TK's Sober Movie Reviews

Let me get this out front first: As I alluded to on Twitter, I fucked up Sober January. Actually, I fucked it up repeatedly, but last weekend (when I posted about it on Twitter), it was totally and completely The Wife’s fault. We were at this art show thing and I was sulking around with my Sparkling Water and The Wife finally browbeat me into having wine so we could have Fun. Which then did ensue and ended up in a lengthy, late-night dinner for 5 at Foreign Cinema with lots more wine and booze and then the Smoking of the Cigarettes and the Hailing of the Cabs and then the Further Unnecessary Drinking.

And then, once it’s ruined, why not just carry on the rest of the weekend? Hey, Miss America’s on!

(I only watched – LITERALLY – like 10 minutes of it and could totally tell that Miss Texas was going to win. Also, I saw a little bit of the talent competition and some chick did a Double Ventriloquist thing with 2 dummies that was mindblowing and immensely sad at the same time. It almost made me cry.)

What was my point? Oh yeah, anyway, back on Sober January again and you know what happens during Sober January? You watch a lot of movies. So here are my uninformed bullshit takes on what we’ve seen, in roughly reverse chronological order:

Three Kings: I guess David O. Russell’s original vision for this film, which concerns the Gulf War for Oil and came out in 1999, will forever be tainted by, um, subsequent events. I found it impossible to not think about what was coming 10+ years after this film is set. Anyway, it’s pretty good. Ice Cube actually does a serviceable job with the acting. The ending’s a little too pat, but that’s Hollywood. (Humorously, David O. Russell is known in Hollywood as “David O. Asshole.” No point; I just think that’s funny.) George Clooney plays Major George Clooney.

Please Give: Yes, it’s another film about whiny, navel-gazing, self-involved Manhattanites, but I actually really liked it and I don’t know why. Maybe Amanda Peet. Amanda Peet rules. Also, there’s a kid who turns in a great performance. The message of the film seems to be that joy comes from material things, which is refreshingly honest. Or maybe that’s not the message, I don’t know. Anyway, there’s not a lot of story but the dialogue is pretty great and Amanda Peet is in it.


Amanda Peet is startled while looking for something to wear in her next low-budget, character-driven indie.

Catfish: This was awesome. It’s a documentary about meeting people on the Internet and GASP maybe everyone is not what they seem. It’s hard to say too much without giving the whole thing away. There is one scene of incredible tension that rivals anything in some retarded Michael Bay action thriller, and there aren’t even any explosions in it. Anyway, if you use the Internet, you will enjoy this film.

Heathers: I hadn’t seen it in a long time, and The Wife had never seen it. I was anticipating a fun-filled romp through the past, but The Wife fell asleep and I found out that this movie really doesn’t hold up well at all.

The Ghost Writer: Now, this was pretty great. It’s sort of a political suspense thriller which may not sound that exciting but it really is. Reappearance of the teacher from “Rushmore”! Anyway, totally worth watching.

Monsoon Wedding: Pretty much exactly what I expected. It’s a chick flick from India. It was fine. Better than some chick flicks, I’ll tell you that much. It was better than “Love and Other Drugs.” That’s a chick flick, right? It wasn't very good.