Charlie Sheen is my spirit animal

What's your morning routine? Get up, shower, maybe a bagel w/ lowfat chive, and so on? Mine's like that too, plus I always check on how Charlie Sheen's doing. Big night Tuesday!

Sources who were present at Charlie's house during his 36-hour party tell us ... after a man delivered a briefcase full of cocaine to the house early Wednesday morning, Charlie pulled out a small green pipe and started smoking cocaine continuously ... for hours.

There are many wild details, but we're told eventually Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn, as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

We're told Charlie, who fancies himself as a porn connoisseur, was questioning his companion about angles and body shots. We're told the porn star was "surprised" by the depth of Charlie's knowledge.

Hey-O!!!! You know what's fun to do with porn stars? WATCH PORN. I bet they never get tired of that! It's like watching "House" with a doctor! They're all "That doesn't really happen. It's not like that." And you're all "SHUT UP I'M WATCHING HOUSE."

So many great things about this story. Briefcase full of cocaine! Theater room! Small green pipe! Stars! They're just like us!

Charlie Sheen is just a sick symbol of our celebrity-obsessed, overly permissive culture Fuck that! Charlie Sheen just has enough cash to PARTY BETTER THAN YOU. You know you'd do the same thing if you got paid 10 million dollars per episode or whatever for your shitty sitcom!

(Unless you're a girl. Then you can replace "briefcase full of cocaine" with "Louboutins" and "watching porn" with "some other sexist thing I can't think of right now.")

But really, Charlie Sheen, where do you go from here? I mean, once you spend a whole night and the next day smoking a briefcase full of cocaine with porn stars while watching porn for three hours, what tops that? Skydiving naked with 8 porn stars while injecting cocaine into your eyes? WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU, CHARLIE SHEEN? PULL UP A CHAIR AND TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

P.S. Kacey Jordan? CALL ME!!!!

[UPDATE!!!!!!!!!! Charlie went to rehab. I'm not gonna lie; I'm a little disappointed. I was looking forward to SIX porn stars and 48 straight hours of partying.]