World Series Game 3: FML Edition

I'm the Giants' number 5 hitter. I'm supposed to be a big power hitter guy but I suck. I swing at everything like I'm Ike and the ball is Tina. Everybody talks about how awesome I am but no one has seen anyone throw a World Series performance this bad since the Black Sox. I should probably have a timeout for the next game and think about what I've done. FML.

I'm Jonathan Sanchez. I didn't freak out and go crazy eyes on anyone like I did to Chase Utley in the NLDS and I lasted more than 2 innings. Unfortunately, I gave up a 3-run homer to Mitch Moreland that was the deciding score in the game. That was muy malo. FML.

I'm Pablo Sandoval. People in SF loved me so much they started wearing all kinds of Panda shit and everything. Unfortunately, this year I didn't hit any better than Rickie Weeks and I only had 13 home runs. That's not going to make anyone forget Barry Bonds. Last night I went 0 for 3 as the DH. But I have a great personality. FML.

I'm a Giants fan. They could have swept in 4 and I'd still bitch about why it took so long. For me, every Cody Ross home run is kind of a failure if the bases aren't loaded. We are all going to die. FML.

Given this season, did you expect something different? Did you think it was going to be easy? You gotta be kidding me. But as Olu pointed out, they really only need to win 1 of 3 in Texas. I think it's a safe bet that they can then win 1 of 2 back here. I hope I'm not jinxing anything by saying that. Oh, wait, that's right, I just remembered, things I say or do have no effect on the outcomes of the games.

Except they do. You know it as well as I do. And I'm not wearing the shirt I wore last night for any more WS games.

(Also, man, that was one white-ass crowd at the Rangers' ballpark last night. Did you see any black people who weren't carrying a tray of candy?)

(Also, if you don't give a shit about baseball, the end is in sight. It's only a few more days. Then I promise I will write about - fuck, think about - something else.)

World Series Game 2: Are you fucking kidding me?

What the fucking fuck???

Remember your San Francisco Giants? They're the plucky, gritty, grind-em-out team of nobodies and castoffs. They scrape for every run, barely pulling out 1-0 and 2-1 wins. Their only hope is to keep games close and maybe pull it out due to their superior pitching.

So who the fuck are these guys? Yeah, the superior pitching is there, but HOLY SHIT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ALL THE RUNS?

I've never been to a World Series game before last night. Here are my observations:

1. It's very crowded. VERY crowded. The listed capacity of AT&T is 41,000-something, and they announced that last night's attendance was 43K plus. All those people gotta pee at the same time. I waited in the bathroom line for a whole inning. Needless to say, I held it the rest of the game. Interestingly, The Wife reports that she cruised right into the Ladies'. At most Giants games, the M/F ratio is close to 50/50. It did seem like it was more 60/40 last night.

2. It's very fucking loud.


3. As you can see, our seats weren't anything to write home about, but they did have one specific feature I was looking for: they were inside the park during a World Series game.

4. There's a lot more standing up than in regular season games. Every time one of the Giants batted with anyone on base, everyone stood up. Any time Matt Cain had 2 outs, everyone stood up. And so on. Oh, and for God Bless America, natch. This Army chick sang it like she wanted to get dirty with America. After her come-to-me rendition, America must have been fanning itself and saying "DAMN, GIRL."

4. They didn't jack up the prices of any concessions, which is nice. The souvenir stands were fucking mobbed, though. Don't you guys know you can get all that shit at the Dugout Store any day of the week? Don't spend your WS waiting in line.

5. The scene outside afterward was crazy. Woo girls sticking out of the tops of limos, people yelling and jumping around, mandatory high-fiving, the whole 9. We took one look at the Muni stop and said "Fuck that" and walked up to Thirsty Bear and had a couple of drinks and some apps and then got on Muni around 9:30. I would recommend that procedure to others in the future.

You can read about the game itself in any number of reputable media outlets. All I will say is that it seemed like it was going to be one of those classic Giants nailbiters until that unbelievable, crazy fucking 8th inning with the walks and the walks and the walks and then AARON FUCKING ROWAND, who has been showing up in the playoffs, no doubt, doubling in 2. These big innings are a new thing for the Giants but I could learn to like them.

On to Arlington, where Bushes I and II will throw out the first pitch Sunday. Oh, Rangers, well-played. You know just how to fuck with us.

World Series Game 1: Cliff Lee shits the bed

Isn't that, like, the most digusting expression you've ever heard? One of my coworkers used that and I was like "Who says that? Who shits the bed?" and he was like "You don't have kids, do you?" and I was all "Kids actually take a shit in the bed??" and he just looked all smug and said "Yep," and now I'm not 100% sure if I want to hve kids any more. I can't have people shitting in bed, whether or not they're my relations.

ANYWAY.

So yesterday we were told:

Cliff Lee is the most ungodly pitiching talent you will ever see. He throws 105 miles per hour and strikes out the guy selling churros in the stands, that's how good he is. If the Giants somehow manage to cobble together one run by cheating or divine intervention, it will truly be a Fatima-level miracle. This kid makes Sandy Koufax look like Salomon Torres after a three-day bender. Plus, he's from Arkansas, so he's a Real American.

Well then. This should be a tough game, no? Maybe Lincecum can just keep the Giants close. If they can just get to the Rangers' bullpen, maybe they have half a shot at something.

Started out worryingly, 2-0, after some shaky pitching and even shakier fielding by Tim Lincecum. I was all settled for a big disappointment. Then the Giants tied it on an error and a HBP and a couple of hits. So now it's 2-2 and I'm all maybe Cliff Lee does not, in fact, wake up every morning and touch the face of God as we've been led to believe.

Then comes the 5th inning. HOLY SHIT. Double, double, walk, single, and CLIFF LEE HAS TO LEAVE THE FUCKING GAME. Some other guy comes in and Uribe goes all jazz hands on him and all of a sudden it's 8-2.

Manos del jazz

This was the first time this postseason that I haven't been shallow-breathing and making crescents in my palms with my nails. What is this strange feeling? Why am I not rigid and sweating and Hurt Lockering all over the room? Oh, because the Giants have a 6-run lead. I'm not sure when the last time the Giants had a 6-run lead was, but it might have been September 23 when they beat the Cubs 13-0. A LONG TIME AGO.

But this is the Giants, so you know it's not going to be easy. 8-2 turns into 11-4 going into the 9th. Single, error, walk, wild pitch, walk. Now the bases are loaded and the guy at the plate could make it 11-8. So here comes Brian Wilson. Brian Wilson specializes in inducing heart attacks and strokes. That is his gift. So with the bases loaded, he gives up a pop fly (run) and a double (2 runs) and FINALLY gets the last out. 11-7 final. THANK GOD.

I don't want to get all negative here but I'm a Giants fan and that's what we do. (In fact, after Jonathan Sanchez's no-hitter, one of my fellow Giants fans said, "That's great, but he could have had a perfect game." If there's a better example of what being a Giants fan is all about, I don't know it.) There is NO WAY this team is going to score 11 runs every game, and if they make a habit of giving up 7 runs every game, they're going to be in deep shit.

See you at the game tonight.

(Also, I don't want to name names, but a Chronicle columnist whose name rhymes with Buck Devious is out there STEALING MY IDEAS!!!! Come on, man!)

Travel Tips for Visiting Rangers Fans!

Welcome, Texas people! We are happy to have you in our Fair City. Please allow me to give you a few tips that will enhance your stay here:

1. Remember - gay people always want to have sex with you and will pursue you relentlessly. Also, they are everywhere. 9 out of 10 men in San Francisco are gay. How can you spot a gay person? They are wearing ascots and carrying small dogs in Vuitton carriers. They also lisp and faint if startled. BE CAREFUL.

2. We're all stoned out on The Pot 24/7. That's because we're all hippies, just like you read about! Groovy, man. If someone offers you The Pot, you can just say "I don't have glaucoma" and they'll leave you alone.

3. Everything is very expensive! That's because we don't have any oil wells here in the city limits.

4. Enjoy our colorful hobos! It's fun to dangle a dollar bill in midair and ask them to do a trick. This is normal and they expect you to do that.

5. For an authentic San Francisco Experience, make sure to visit Fisherman's Wharf! That's where real San Franciscans go for fun and for great, freshly-caught seafood.

6. Did you rent a car? Good move! You'll find plenty of convenient free parking all over the city. Just look for curbs painted blue and marked with a guy in a chair. This is Tourist Parking, and the guy in the chair is a lazy tourist who just wants to sit down. Like you!

7. The Transamerica Pyramid is where the Illuminati meet. When the light on top is flashing, they're having a meeting and Socialism is Coming Soon! Watch Glenn Beck for more details.

Illuminati meeting in progress. Expect your guns and/or Bible to be taken away soon. (Thx Wiggum03 for the pic.)

8. Those guys on the corner of Golden Gate and Hyde sell delicious rock candy, the Real San Francisco Treat! It's $20 for two rocks, but boy is it worth it. Just chew and enjoy! Your mouth might get a little numb, but that's totally normal!

9. Going to the game? Make sure and ask for your free chardonnay and cheese sampler!

What's that? You say there's some kind of baseball-related event in the offing?

This blog is going to be pretty baseball-centric for the next week or so. We are sorry if we are not providing the level of service to which you have become accustomed. Please be assured that we are taking all necessary steps to address this situation.

(Courtesy The Daily What)

Yes, friends, the World Series has returned to San Francisco again for the first time since 2002. I couldn't go to any games that time because I was married to a deadbeat who didn't work and we were pretty much broke. Now I've got a newer, better wife and we're actually going to a game. I don't want to tell you how much I spent to get these tickets because it feels silly but it's more than a 1998 Chevy Astro cargo van with a BLOWN HEAD GASKET. Whatever, it's a once-in-a-lifetime, or maybe once-every-eight-years situation and dammit I deserve to go to one of these games to make up for the Tuesday nights at Candlestick when it was 56 degrees with 40 mph winds and they were 18 games out of first and Steve Scarsone was coming up to bat with the bases empty.

Check this out:

Are the Giants ever going to be favored to win anything? Whatever, being the underdog is better.

(In case you're not familiar with money line bets, the above means that you put down $145 on the Rangers to win $100, and if you put $100 on the Giants you in $125. In other words, the Rangers are favored to win the series.)

WE'LL SEE.

(I realize this post is refreshingly content-free, but it's been a busy few days.)

It's not the end of the world.

Look, it was extremely unlikely that the Giants would win 3 in a row over the Phillies. EXTREMELY. NOBODY PANIC. Let's go back to Philly and take care of business.

Zooey Deschanel singing "God Bless America" has caused me to have a number of feelings, not all of them positive

Zooey Deschanel singing "God Bless America" at yesterday's Giants-Phillies NLCS game:



I have a lot of feelings about this. But first, let's hear from The Sister, via her actual text messages sent to me just minutes after this happened:

Ugh she is horrible

That bitch cant sing. But she pretty.

Here are my thoughts:

1. She's not that bad. Her voice has that wobbly reedy quality that you associate with country singers from the 50's. It's just that, because of (a) Mariah Carey and (b) American Idol, we are now acculturated to expect explosive, trilly diva-wailing instead of just, y'know, singing.

2. The Mehserle boat. In case you're not up on this, some supporter of Johannes Mehserle, the cop who killed a BART passenger on New Year's Eve a couple of years ago, has been sailing a boat in McCovey Cove behind the ballpark with a big "Free Johannes Mehserle" banner. Thanks, I guess, to the American flag on top, they got some good airtime on Fox. A complete discussion of the Mehserle case is beyond the scope of this post.

3. Is Zooey giving up some hipster cred here? I mean, you can't get much more unhip than singing "God Bless America" at an organized sporting event.

4. You hear the announcer say "Please rise and remove your caps blahdeddy blah" before she sings? This is my big peeve with GBA: It's not the National Anthem. Now, I'm as patriotic as the next guy, and before every game, I dutifully rise and put my hand over my heart and then listen to the Willow Glen Eighth Grade Boys Chorus warble their way through the Star-Spangled Banner or whatever and I think it's great. But we only have one National Anthem, and that's it. I don't even like GBA as a song, and I like even less the forced patriotism of being told to treat it like some secret national anthem. I guess this took off after 9/11 and then just stuck, like permanent war and the TSA. Go ahead and call me un-American if you must, but I'm happy with the one national anthem we already have.

5. Do you think Zooey Deschanel has ever been to a professional sporting event before?