Here are two activities you should do if you live anywhere near SF

So last night The Wife and I had Grown-Up Night, which means we went to dinner and the theater. They were both great.

Dinner was at The Corner, 18th and Mission. I gotta warn you ahead of time, the menu is somewhat unconventional, but trust me, this is a good thing. Like, there's not the usual beef short rib and flatiron steak and roasted chicken that everyone has. Instead, there's shit like rabbit or sole w/ fennel sausage or chicken thighs, interesting stuff like that. The waitress (who was just as much of a hipster as you'd imagine for a restaurant at 18th and Mission - in fact, the whole staff looked like Vice Magazine) totally tipped us off that the apps were huge, so we just got a couple of those. The Wife had poutine with beef cheeks and some kind of cheese that starts with an "h" like "hourumi" or "hurami" or something like that. It was fucking killer. Poutine's like the national dish of Canada or something and I can see why because it's basically like this thick gravy and meat poured over french fries and it's a good cold weather dish and as you know, it's always about 20 below in Canada.

I got the pork shank over cheesy hashbrowns with some kind of wilted green in the middle and a poached egg on top. THAT'S NOT A LOW FAT FOOD. But man, was it good. Not so good was burping up pork the rest of the night but that's kind of my fault for eating too fast.

Both the apps we got (which were entree-sized, at least for us) were like $11 or $12. 2 glasses of outstanding pinot for $10 each. I almost went for the PBR tallboy for $2 but that's too predictable. 7 out of 10 stars WILL DO BUSINESS AGAIN.

(Confidential to the Corner - do something about your fucking website. The "menu" pages are all blank and it hasn't been updated since May. Seriously, this is SF and your web game has to be on point. Really, I'm not kidding, deal with it.)

Then (after a brief stop at the Latin-American for some whiskey for me and some Stoli for her) we hied ourselves over to The Marsh for Dan Hoyle's show "The Real Americans." The show is based on Hoyle's travels in, for the lack of a better word, the "heartland" and he does a ton of characters based on the people he met. Now, of course you're thinking it's going to be smug and condescending but it's actually not. I mean, I don't think he had to invent the fact that people think Obama is a Muslim or whatever. And people in SF get treated just as badly, or worse, than people everywhere else. As you can tell, it caused a great deal of liberal urban coastal angst in me because we coastal urban liberals worry a lot about this kind of thing. Anyway, it's way more complicated than I can sum up here but we both loved it and it is totally worth seeing.

Then we went home and watched the Giants almost fuck it up in the 9th inning (and shouldn't Bautista be throwing BP or something until he can find the strike zone?). Exhausting.

Announcing TK's First and Probably Only 6-Word Memoir Contest (with prizes)

You know what Six Word Memoirs are, right? It's basically exactly what it sounds like: your life story in six words. Mine is on my Twitter page: "Things rarely turn out as planned."

Frank McCourt, who wrote "Angela's Ashes," had a good one: "The miserable childhood leads to royalties." Some other ones I also liked (by not famous Irish authors) are "Facebook has ruined my entire life" and "Freak accidents haven't killed me yet."

So here's what I wanna do. Send me your 6-word story and I shall distribute a Special Prize Package to the one that I totally subjectively like the best. You can either email it to me at 40goingon28@gmail.com or drop it in the comments below, cool?

What does the Special Prize Package include, you ask?



A five-dollar bill with a congratulatory Post-It note from me stuck to it because it's illegal to deface United States Currency, duh. (I can make the Post-It note say anything you want as long as it's not weird or illegal like "I will kill your whole fucking family, Love, TK," or "I am fat" or "I ♥ Vivisection.")



A November 2005 Fast Pass. Since Fast Passes are being phased out in October forever, this is actually a collector's item that will be worth a Ton of Money someday.



This "I lost me to meth" coaster, which is obviously awesome.

As an added bonus, if you win, I'll then have your address, so you might find me knocking on your door at 3 a.m. in a drunken stupor asking for money and/or to be let in. Just like Dad used to do! KIDDING.

I guess I should set some kind of deadline, or some dork is going to submit one in November and then be all "There was no deadline! I can still win!" about it, so let's say 6 p.m. PDT, Tuesday August 3, 2010. I'll announce the winner on Wednesday the 4th. Second prize is a set of steak knives. I'M KIDDING THERE IS NO SECOND PRIZE I just love Glengarry Glen Ross.

Third prize is, however, you're fired.

(P.S. Just to keep this on the up-and-up, if you're currently married to me, you are ineligible to win, but you are still free to enter and I'll totally tell you how awesome your entry was and how you definitely would have won if you weren't married to me.)

Who says San Francisco is expensive?

Got $450? Welcome to San Francisco!

$450 / 1br - Renting out down stairs (San Francisco)

Renting out down stairs
single large bedroom
one bathroom
one kitchen
plenty parking space

if interested, please call 415-879-1691
for English speakers, please call 415-608-8498

I like how this implies that the first number is for people who speak....what?? Your guess, I suppose.

Anyway, it's at 32 Flora in the Bayview. I think it's the one with the RV in front.




There'a always something creepy about an RV parked in front, isn't there?

But in the annals of the truly inexplicable, this one takes the cake.

$550 / 1br - Room for rent with bodybuilding (visitacion valley)

$ 550 Room for rent with bodybuilding, I have a nice 1 ½ room available, very nice place to live with laundry and stores on the same street. Parking behind gate for 1 car, I am a very easy going guy that lives a discipline life style with bodybuilding. I am looking for someone who lives straight life styles that pays there bills on time and the place is yours. High speed internet. The room is not real big but I have extra room also that come with the room that you can store a lot of things.

$550 + $50 Utilities each month
$350 Deposit

Where to begin. First of all, I'm not clear if the room comes with bodybuilding equipment or a bodybuilder. Second, there's the matter of the "discipline life style," but if that's your thing, more power to you. And I'm not sure I want to see the "lot of things" that are being stored in that extra room. On the other hand, high speed internet!

Oh shit, I almost forgot the best part! Thankfully, the bodybuilder has provided some snaps of your new room. Check 'em out!



I know what you're thinking: "Where do I sign?"

Band-Aid in 3-D: Coming Next Summer

As has been noted by other members of the snarkeratti, yes, they are, in fact, making a movie based on the board game "Battleship," and oh, while we're at it, why don't we pull some names from a hat and, what, who's this? I pulled Alexander Skarsgard! Who did you get? Taylor Kitsch? Wow, that's random, but OK! Now draw one more! What did you get, Rihanna? No shit! This movie should be called "Three People Snorting Cocaine in the Bathroom at a Party at a Producer's Incredible House in the Hollywood Hills," but I like "Battleship," too!

I mean, really. What. The. Fucking. Fuck.

We've been all collectively moaning for years about how Hollywood is out of ideas; just look at "Car 54, Where Are You?" or the four fucking movies based on a ride at an amusement park or the fact that it's now apparently acceptable to remake movies that came out a year ago. But this, I think, is a new low. Sure, there have been movies based on board games before - remember "Clue", the movie? I mean, at least "Clue" has characters. "Battleship" has little plastic ships and red pegs that always got lost and two fidgety kids going "F-4" and "A-3." Not a lot of premise there, although it sounds like it's right in Keanu's wheelhouse, acting-wise.

So this is where we are. I bet you a million dollars there are a bunch of interesting scripts filled with cool ideas and real emotion and well-drawn characters sitting in a drawer in Burbank somewhere and instead we get "Battleship."

If you're reading this, and you're an agent, I have some ideas I've been working on for a while that we should talk about. I want to pitch "Ritz Crackers: The Movie" and "DustBuster" and "Kleenex Brand Tissues." These are already well-known brands. That's a big opening weekend right there, despite what that asshole Roger Ebert says.

UPDATE: Oh, Christ.

Important programming information

Look, I just don't think I can write about tonight's "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All" special because, frankly, I'm a little recapped out right now, plus that shit is going to SUCK. But maybe! Only if Frank shows up in a new Baby Gap ensemble.

I hear that The Wife is considering recapping "Bachelor Pad," and of course we'll run it here at TVgoingonRecap.

Oh, look, though! Moldy Kirk got with some other contestant from some prior season of "The Bachelor". Good for you, Mold Man! Crap, that story says Frank won't be on the show tonight. That sucks! How are we supposed to have any fun? That little bitch has fucked us over again. Now I know how Ali feels!

UPDATE//OH ONE OTHER THING: January Jones and Jason Sudeikis?? I mean, he's a reasonable-enough looking guy, but really? And before that she dated Jeremy Piven? Maybe I do have a chance with her. January, if you're reading, you know what to do.

Mad Men #1: Thanks for the ham!

A bottle of Jameson split 4 ways isn’t that bad, right? Ugh, maybe it was the additional 4 bottles of wine that did it. Fuck, sometimes I feel like all I do is recap television shows. Do you people know about Television Without Pity? You’re gonna shit, I’m not even lying.

We’re back and it’s 1964 and Pete Campbell is still a douche and now Don Draper is a sub! Bet you didn’t see that coming. Show of hands, ladies, who’s picturing DD in a ball gag, vacuuming your house? I mean, once they invented vacuums. And ball gags. Anyway, check out the new SterCoopDraPry offices! Nice, huh? Wait, who’s Sweater Vest? At least he’s drinking Jameson! I like him already. So far, in the first 5 scenes, everyone is drinking. I’m trying to figure out in exactly which year people stopped stumbling around half-drunk 24/7. Did this happen in the 70’s? I know it didn’t happen in the 90’s, because that’s when I started doing it.

Don lives in the Village! Either above the Hong Kong Tailor or Joe the Art of Coffee.

I fucking guarantee you that today, people are taking pictures of this intersection. Whoa, Don’s got a Mexi-Maid! She should force him to do the dishes. He likes that. We see a Montage of Don’s Solo Life and it’s overintentionally depressing. He leaves his TV on 24/7 which is kind of annoying, since TV was boring in 1964. Also, Don’s got hisself a ho. What do you think a good sex/slap combo runs in 1964? Like $3.50 or something like that.

In other news, there’s some kind of ham-buying scam that I couldn’t follow but it also involves Peggy coming over to DD’s with some bro holding a casserole and she’s all “This is my fiance” and he’s all “What?” and Don’s all “Whatever, later LOL.”

FINALLY January Jones shows up. She looks sober! That’s unusual for January Jones, from what I hear. Oh, and PLEASE MORMON MARRY ME AND BE MY SECOND WIFE JANUARY JONES I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Ew, she married the Cryptkeeper! Gross! Hmmm, Most Awkward Thanksgiving Ever with Cryptkeeper’s Family, and I’m including the one where I stayed upstairs in the guest bedroom and drank Maker’s Mark and cried and wouldn’t come down. Hey wait, is that ANOTHER New Bobby? Fuck, this isn’t One Life to Live where you can just change out the actors every show and no one cares. Oh, maybe it’s the Same Bobby, never mind. Anyway, Cryptkeeper’s Mom is a B-I-T-C-H! Or is that his sister? They’re all about 100 years old, who knows?

Ewwww, are Betty and Cryptkeeper going to do it in the car? G-ross! He’s going to get a hernia or something!

Let’s see what Don’s got for the Jantzen campaign! Oh, it’s terrible. I mean, wow, that is really, really bad. Fuck whether or not it’s too “racy,” it just sucks. Although the chick in the ad looks kinda hot. What? I’m a guy. So the Jantzen folks don’t like it at all, big surprise, and Don throws them out of the office. He a mess. Hopefully Anna Camp will straighten his shit out. Speaking of, can you believe she didn’t bang him? FIRST TIME EVER. No, really, you’d think Jon Hamm wrote the show, the way DD gets laid.

Oh, and to my companions last night: My mistake. It’s Ben Affleck that’s secretly banging Blake Lively, not Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm is banging…oh, anyone he wants to, I imagine.

What Would You Do?: Muni Edition

Let's play ABC Primetime's "What Would You Do?" for a second.

(Incidentally, ABC, what's up with the "go.com" domain names? ESPN, too. Stuck in 1997, are we?)

OK, so let's say you're on the, oh, I don't know, 48 Quintara at around 5:30 yesterday (or the L Taraval or, fuck, the 6 train to the Bronx for all I care) and you take a seat near the back and then realize you're sitting in the middle of a group of baggy-white-t-shirted skateboard-holding kids. Like 4 or 5 of them, maybe 13 years old, maybe 14. The first thing you notice is the heartwarming (for a San Franciscan) multicultiness of this group - there's a white kid, and a vaguely Hispanic kid, and a black kid, and man, it's like MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech brought to life.

Then the next thing you notice is that the Bieber-haired white kid is very slowly and deliberately carving something into the seat with some kind of implement. Like, obviously defacing the bus seat with whatever kind of graffiti 13-year-old white kids are motivated to write these days.

Or let's take another (also actually true) example that also happened on the 48 Quintara on another day with a different Pack O'Yoots (though older, maybe mid to late teens) and one of them is using a fat black magic marker or whatever to mark one of the windows with a big, looping tag.

What do you do?

I'm serious. I never know how to react in these situations. I know that Muni Belongs To All Of Us and that We As Citizens must stand up to protect out property, but I also know that people get killed trying to stop this kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's rare for that to happen and blah blah blah but IT ONLY TAKES ONCE when it's happening to you.

So what's the call here? What do you do? Say, "Hey, you damn kids, stop messing up my bus!" or whip out the cell and call 911 or go up and talk to the driver or what? Furthermore, what's most likely to avoid me getting hit in the back of the skull with a skateboard?

Cause I'll tell you what actually happened: nothing. I didn't do anything. The lady next to me didn't do anything. The semi-yuppie guy reading The Economist didn't do anything. Now I feel vaguely bad about it! I don't know.