The Bachelor: Everyone needs to lighten the fuck up a little bit

"We're in Miami, where eberyding began," Whan says, driving around Miami, then makes an unnatural squealing/screeching sound talking about going to see Camilla.  Whan drops in on the Family Home, I guess, where everyone's hanging out and Grandpa's smoking!  That's how you can tell this is a spicy immigrant family.  Later, Whan stops by the Loews Hotel where the chix are ensconced and WHOA WAIT IS HE WEARING A STRING ANKLE BRACELET ugh go ahead and kill him.

One on Whan Date!  How exciting!  Oh, with Seriousleen.  Not exciting.  Very somber.  They board a Cocaine Yacht and Seriousleen is still unsure about this whole thing I mean like PAGING A NEW STEEZ FOR SERIOUSLEEN.  They sail around and do some medium-grade making out.  She says he makes her feel "happy, which is something I don't allow myself to feel very often."  Oh for fuck's sake Seriousleen.  Let's get off the yacht and go back to our room and listen to Dashboard Confessional and update our Tumblrs with pictures of rain on windows and abandoned farmhouses.  Christ.  Meanwhile, she pauses her dreary tale midsentence to pick something off him like they're bonobo monkeys.

For the Night Portion, it's back on the yacht - hey, it's paid for, might as well use it! - for another Extreme Close Up 20 minute makeout session.  "I wish I was a little bit dumber," Seriousleen offers.  Well, you failed to use the subjunctive correctly, so maybe you are a little bit dumber, Seriousleen!  Anyway, if you really want to get dumber, watch this fucking show sometime.  Post-date, S of course heads to the comforting embrace of Mom Renee to spill all her guts out.  She's thinking about leaving!  Duh.

Next Solo is with Rootsy.  They're going to Camilla's dance recital!  Sounds boring.  Maybe they'll rappel into it or something.  So they get there and she meets the family and Whan's ex, who is admittedly pretty fucking hot.  A bunch of kids do a dance.  It's not very good.  There's some awkward small talk and it's time to go and The Ex bids Rootsy goodbye with a cheery "Arepa!" or "Hurry pie!," I couldn't quite tell which, but she's obviously trying to communicate some kind of food desire to Rootsy.

So night brings us to Marlins Park, where Whan does whatever the fuck it his he does.    At least the Marlins will have 2 people there tonight!  They toss the ball around a little and it's better than an actual Marlins game.  Rootsy correctly points out that Camilla is "a little girl."  Very good, Roots!  Sadly, they don't set off the dolphin thing.  Sad.

Uh-oh.  Back at the hotel, Seriousleen feels "sick in the way you feel when you've made a decision you're not sure about and it's kind of major."  I bet there's a word for that in German!  I'm usually just "sick in the way you feel after you drank a quart of gin."  Anyway, yeah, she's leaving and she goes to tell Whan but first CLAWS HER OWN EYES OUT to show him the depth of her existential suffering.

Me too, Seriousleen.  Me too.  Anyway, they whisper back and forth for about a half hour.  Whan doesn't seem all that broken up about this turn of events TBH.  She bolts and he goes to the balcony to stare meaningfully at the hotel next door.

Then there's a Group Date and it starts with Whan arriving in a seaplane and what is up with the seaplanes this season. Seaplanes: The New Helicopters.  They're off to some private island that frankly looks a little beat up and Chelsie unleashes a Word Torrent OH MY GOD TALKING TALKING TALKING Jesus Christ please shut the fuck up for two seconds no one cares if your Mom told you to stop at 2 drinks.  Andi, it seems, does her caftan shopping from the Golden Girls Collection!

Then she starts in on the crying!  Fuck, Whan is constantly talking these chicks down.  She's worried about "failure."  At this point he should just pick whoever is in a good fucking mood that day.  But wait, now Clare launches into her own mascara-destroying Feel Session about Dad and the mysterious video he made that's locked away only to be seen by Future Husband.  Maybe it's just Dad saying "Bush did 9/11" over and over.  Andi gets the Everyone Please Stop Crying Rose.

Night with just Andi in South Beach, possibly the Asshole Capital of the World.  They go to see some guy singing something in Spanish with an oddly high-pitched voice.  The whole thing sounds like Sabado Gigante on helium and isn't very interesting.  Back at the hotel, Clare is bitching about not going on a date and Rootsy's all "That's so stupid" and walks out and this provokes some kind of bitchfight between Roots and Clare and I don't even understand what it was about but it ends with Rootsy calling her "fucking crazy" which is actually true.

The Cocktail Party is mostly uncomfortably long scenes of Roots and Clare sitting next to each other and not talking.  We learn that when people are denied cell phones, they literally do STARE BLANKLY INTO SPACE.  This does not make for very good TV.

OK, who's in.  Andi's already in.  Rootsy then Clare then Mom Renee who's in I think just because Whan needs an assistant in the Talking Crazies Down department.  Chelsie is out.  Whan tries to think about dead puppies and force himself to cry but can't quite make it.  She can go unleash her word salad elsewhere.

Next week, 2 episodes on 2 consecutive nights?  My God is an angry god.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It's Name Change Friday!

It's been a while, huh?  Let's see who's changing up.  Nothing says love like a new handle!

Our first Name Changer comes from the Humboldt County Classified Post and I mostly love it because it looks like the HCCP is really going for that gold rush look, even online!

Doesn't that look totally 1849?  Anyway, it appears that Michael Donald Castillo is getting back to his roots and going with the much spicier Miguel Donaldo Castillo.  Ole, Miguel!  I heartily approve.  Why be Michael Donald when you can be Miguel Donaldo?  Michael Donald works the loading dock at the Lucky.  Miguel Donaldo is a mysterious stranger with a cape and an air of danger!  Smart move.

This next one is kind of hard to read, but bear with me because it's SO WORTH IT. I'm not sure what paper it came out of, but the name change is in Butte County, so who knows what the fuck they're up to up there.

I don't know if you can read it, but the present name is "Margaret Dolores (Delores) O'Donnell" and the proposed new name is "Lady Margaret Watts Schneider Vallier Marks O'Donnell."  LADY MARGARET!  Swoon.  This is somebody who is doing it right.  Lady Margaret is not fucking around.

Our last changer is also a bit of a doozy.  It's out of LA.

New Name: Black Kennedy Lincoln.  Drops mic.

Have a great weekend, everybody!  Especially you, Lady Margaret.

The Bachelor: New Zealand: Almost As Beautiful As Ohio

It appears that we are off to New Zealand and seaplaning around which gives Whan the chance to say "beautiful" about 30 times and also that he's ready to "take things to the next level" so he's doing a good job learning his meaningless English sayings.  Meanwhile, the chix are busy checking out the Huka Lodge - "INFINITY EDGE POOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!" - and Clare, that little minx, admits "Last week in Vietnam everything kind of blew up in my face."  THAT'S WHAT CHARLIE SAYS TOO CLARE.  

One on Whan with Andi.  They do some river speedboating and then jump in and Andi, congrats, you are the first chick in Bachelor history to wear a one-piece. This frolic looks fucking awful, though, because it appears to be freezing and instead of tropical yachting like we usually get instead we're fighting for survival in some kind of jungle rock formation.

This goes on for quite a while - YAWN - and then we pop out in some waterfall thing or whatever and the No Makeout Rule is obvi suspended again.  

Outdoor Dinner by some giant geyser.  They're trying to get down on some lamb kebabs when the damn thing goes off and GREAT PLANNING ABC but I guess it's supposed to represent all the sublimated sexual desire on this show.  When did I start talking like a grad student.  Andi obviously has no chance but she gets the Roaring Geyser of Juan Pablo's Love Rose.  How does Andi feel?  "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well."  THAT'S NOT WHAT IRONY MEANS ANDI.

"Our chemistry is bursting through."  Christ.

Group date in Rotorua, which is of course beautiful and whatever but maybe not conducive to having a picnic in what appears to be 75 mph winds.  Oh, this is fantastic: Rotorua reminds Chelsie of Ohio "except we don't have hills."  Ohio, New Zealand - people are always getting them confused!  Except for the tiny detail that OHIO DOESN'T RESEMBLE NEW ZEALAND IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY except they both exist on Earth and have soil and trees.  Then everybody gets into swimsuits and it's INTO THE GIANT PLASTIC HAMSTER BALLS which is kind of a perfect metaphor for this show.  

For the Night Portion we are in some kind of Lord of the Rings theme park.  You knew the LOTR stuff was lurking offstage just waiting for its moment.  Either NZ has some kind of natural peroxiding effect or Rootsy's had some work done up top.  Meanwhile Whan muddles through some Feelings Talk with some chicks and then does his weird Tongue Insertion Kissing with Rootsy.  Seriousleen manages to work in that this is "inorganic" again and Whan says not to question herself and just enjoy dis and I think that's what cult leaders say.  She gets the Organic Rose and then Whan cuts loose NBA Player Whelping Delivery Vehicle Cassandra because I guess he's not enjoying dis.  She gets put in the Crying Range Rover and says she's been "waiting so long for something special" and YOU ARE 22 YEARS OLD.  I've waited longer for shit on backorder from Amazon.  Whan returns to the Shire alone with his tiny Head Umbrella.  

Now Professional Temptress Clare gets a second Solo Date. She's trying to get him to apologize for banging her or something, I'm not sure.  He opines that if he somehow resisted her devilish advances, "she'd be devastated right now." OH HO HO HO WHAN.  Is that how it is? THIS JUST IN: Professional Athlete Is Kind of a Tool.  Film at 11.  Anyway, Nighttime Snax at the Hilton.  Clare seems to be under the impression that Whan "apologized" for something but I didn't hear it.  She snags the Managed Not To Fuck On the Second Date Rose.

The Cocktail Party this week is a somewhat somber affair.  Maybe everyone realized that Life is a Meaningless Void and our Lives are Empty and Dark, or maybe we're out of champagne.  Rootsy says she wants a "partner" and "someone to share all the things life has to offer" and maybe some other things she copied from every single Match.com profile ever. DO YOU WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME TOO ROOTSY?  ENJOY CANDELIGHT DINNERS?  Oh no, here comes Kat with some downer shit about Drunk Dad.  PULL UP KAT PULL UP.  

Let's hand out the roses.  Rootsy and Mom Renee are in.  It's down to OMGCHELSIE and DownerKat.  

OUT: Baggage Claim.  I told you to wait until later with the Drunk Dad stuff.  I'm kind of bummed because I wanted to meet Dad on the hometowns, maybe get some shots.  Anyway, she's off in the Crying Limo and she reveals why she can't hold on to a guy: she's too great!  THAT'S MY PROBLEM TOO, KAT!  Let's you and me and Drunk Dad hit the bar.  

(The outtakes they play under the final credits this week features Whan and the girls THROWING SHEEP FECES AT EACH OTHER.  I was wrong; the hamster balls were NOT the best metaphor for this show this week.)

This is my new favorite tech parody. OR IS IT!!!???!

I consider myself #blessed to have correspondents like Sarah Fidelibus who send me links to amazing shit like this piece in "re/code" (which I had never heard of but is connected to CNBC in some way?) called "The 2,500 Person Tech Mixer That Was Not a Party."  Do you know about Poe's Law?  It basically says that, at some point, extreme viewpoints are indistinguishable from a parody of same.  There needs to be a tech corollary because it's getting impossible to distinguish actual tech and gentrification stories from parodies of them.  This article is a prime example.  Let's grab a quote from "Andrew Vecchio, the co-founder and CEO of Startup and Tech Mixer," to illustrate:

“This is our fifth mixer. People are like, ‘Andrew, what could be next?’ And it’s like, ‘Oh. Done.’ We have a mechanical bull. Game-changer. Innovate.” 

Hahahaha. That's great!  It's a perfect parody of the BS-speak endemic to tech culture.  EXCEPT IT'S APPARENTLY REAL.  That guy actually said that, unless the reporter made it up, which I hope is true.

MECHANICAL BULL.  GAME-CHANGER.  DISRUPT THE PARTY SCENE.

This maybe-true-or-not not-party happened at the W Hotel, which is just perfect.  I happened to be at the W Hotel a couple of weeks ago to meet a friend who was in town and the W Hotel is like somebody decided 1998 or 1999 was the Best Year and froze everything there. You know how every bar now is Edison bulbs and reclaimed wood?  NOT THE W!  The bar there is all hard white surfaces and blinking LEDs and trance music.  It looks EXACTLY like the last dot-com crash.  Since this party sounds like it was airlifted out of 1999, it was a perfect venue choice.

Anyway, the article goes on and on and gets more unbelievable as it goes but don't take my word for it, read it yourself.  Disrupt.

UPDATE: Sam Biddle also writes about this event for Valleywag, and makes a lot of the same points I did, but with pictures and more research.

Apropos of nothing, a peek into my disturbing thought process. Also, Downton Abbey.

This is totally irrelevant and I don't even know why I'm posting this but you know in the opening credits for Downton Abbey when there's a shot of a skinny feather duster of some kind gently dusting a chandelier or whatever?

For the first two seasons or so, I thought that was a CAT'S PAW.  I know.  Take a minute.  I wasn't really thinking about "Why would a cat be lovingly caressing the light fixtures in this English mansion?" or "How would a cat be able to reach a chandelier?" or "Why are you so fucking weird?"  I didn't really think about it until I realized not that long ago that it was a duster of some kind and not a cat's paw.

Anyway, that's about it for now.  Not every blog post can be about overpriced real estate and get 15,000 views!  This one should be good for about 43.  If you're one of the 43, THANKS.

Have a nice weekend.

The Bachelor: Don't Fuck on the First Date

Here we are in Vietnam and I can’t even make any Vietnam War jokes because I already did that once and also because it has now been longer since the Vietnam War ended than it was between World War II and the 80's and no one on this show or probably reading this was even alive when the Vietnam War happened.  Anyway, there was an unpopular war in Vietnam a long time ago and then a lot of people won Oscars as a result.

OK, back to the show.  Mom Renee gets the first One-on-Whan™ and for some reason this news makes her “palms hurt.”  Hmmm, our first recorded case of Bachelor Stigmata.  Hail Renee Full of Hair Product Blessed Art Thou Above All Soccer Moms.  Their date is in the charming Vietnamese town of Hoi An and Whan “can’t wait to make her enjoy the day.”  FUCKING SOAK UP THE ATMOSPHERE BITCH. DO WHAT I SAY.  DO IT NOW.  Oh, check it out!  Vietnamese dogs are super cute!

So they stop by some fabric shop or something to get a dress made for her I guess?  Mom thinks this is “fascinating” and “amazing” but I would describe it more as “boring” or “really boring” or “still boring.”  There’s the usual walking around and buying a racist coolie hat for Mom’s kid.  For the Night Segment, Mom is wearing her new dress to Indoor Dinner.  Blah blah blah she got married young and they grew apart.  Whan thinks her eyes are “full of life” which I guess is good and he gives her a rose and then they’re out lighting candles in Chinese takeout containers and putting them in the water and making a wish.  My wish would be “Please don’t let this fucking thing drift under this flimsy wooden pier and burn us all to death.”

I realize this is a terrible picture.

Group Date wherein Whan says we are going to do “very traditional Vietnamese –” and here he pauses – “Things.”  Yes, things! This means getting in some wooden bowls and paddling around which is mostly an excuse to make out with Clare.  Then it’s off to the community gardens to PICK SOME PRODUCE! Hopefully they’re making 60 cents an hour and getting doused with carcinogenic pesticide for the real immersion experience.  Anyway, after dinner (Vietnamese food, I’m guessing), there’s supposed to be a cocktail party but it’s mostly just Whan hanging out in his hot tub with Clare.  Once again, his “No Kissing” policy appears to be somewhat flexible, because he and Clare and slobbering into each other’s mouths like Saint Bernards.  Back with the chicks, Seriousleen, as usual, is being kind of a downer and wants him to see her “as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  OK then.  Clare ends up with the rose and then shows up at his room in the middle of the night and I think they’re hinting that they hit it or something.  God, you do not want to knock Clare up.  Hairstylist.  Sacramento.  I don’t think I need to say anything else.

Rootsy One on One!  I think she got a Vietnamese touchup because the roots actually don’t look as aggressively black.  Anyway, this is going to be one of those Adventure Dates where we rappel down into a cave that is literally named “Hell.”  That’s some dynamic branding!  As with all Adventure Dates that you’re not personally on, it’s boring.  We’re back topside for Night Portion and the true Hell here is what Vietnam is doing to Rootsy’s hair.  She’s on and on about pediatric nursing which is actually kind of a downer tbh.  She gets the rose and some face kissing and is “electrified” like she “stuck her finger in a light socket” and I’m not sure I want her pediatric nursing my kid.

The ladies arrive for the Cocktail Party carefully arranged on a boat.  There is shocking news!  We are cutting 3 tonight.  That is not good for Maybe Black Danielle, who has gotten less screen time than Anonymous Vietnamese Produce Family.  Whan gets busy making out with Mom and his No Kissing Rules are now beyond comprehension.  Oh, a sit-down with Clare! He says “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened.”  I guess they did it!  He doesn't want his daughter to know.  Gee, maybe don’t tell her then?  C is now crying and Whan’s talking her down like he does every episode.  This is boring.

Rose Cer.  Whan starts by gazing meaningfully at his Serial Killer Shrine of Ladies.

THREE MUST DIE TONIGHT the voice in his head says.  Who’s in?  Seriousleen, NBA Progeny Bearer…..

LAZY EYE REPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only a little sleepy.

OK, back to it.  ChelsieWOOOOO, Kat, Andi Who Needs to Stop Bitching All The Time.

ADIOS Lazy Eyes, Alison (I think?) and Maybe Black Danielle.  No surprises there.  Hopefully the next episode is better because this one failed to move me.

This $10,500 rental in the Mission is absurd

Via Matt Graves (RT courtesy BurritoJustice) comes this truly unbelievable rental listing.  Since it's on Craigslist, and listings on Craigslist, like dandelion spores or red supergiants, are impermanent and ephemeral, I've screencapped part of it below:

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE IS A 2-BEDROOM IN THE MISSION FOR TEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

We all knew rents were out of control.  But this.  I can't even.  So many problems here.

FIRST, if you have $10,500 a month to spend on housing, why the fuck would you give it to someone else? $10,000 is roughly the mortgage payment on a $2,000,000 mortgage. Buy a $1,000,000 place and cut your monthly housing nut in half!  Use the rest to buy $4 toast!  Fuck, buy $8 or $10 toast and you're STILL coming out ahead!

SECOND, that ad.  Oh my God that ad.  "With the hottest microclimate in San Francisco, Mission is caliente."  Are you fucking kidding me.  Are you intentionally making fun of the Mission's Latino heritage, or was that just a happy accident?  For the love of God, fellow white people, do not call things "caliente."  This is one step removed from putting on a giant sombrero and poncho and going to a Cinco de Mayo party.

THIRD, if you MUST rent, here's a 3-bedroom penthouse on Russian Hill with parking for $10K.  You save $500!  And it's SO MUCH BETTER than the Mission place.  Plus, you won't look like a total asshole walking out of that new building on 19th and Valencia.  On Russian Hill, everybody's rich!  No one will care that you're a rich too!

In conclusion, please do not rent this unit.