Throwing tortillas is a thing, apparently, and other observations from the Giants Victory Parade/Civic Center Clusterfuck/Speechifying Boreathon

[NOTE: This will probably be the last post about baseball for a while.  Like until next year, probably.]

Every two years, thousands of people gather in San Francisco and especially in Civic Center Plaza to watch a parade, blow off work, drink Jagermeister, smoke a ton of weed, and celebrate a World Series victory by the San Francisco Giants, who are rapidly becoming the New York Yankees of the '10s.

The 2010 parade, which I also covered, was notable for the fact that it was 81 degrees out and it was also the first time the Giants had won the World Series since they moved to San Francisco when The Ed Sullivan Show was still on the air.  This year was considerably colder and also seemed a little drunker, for some reason. 

We were all worried about this guy, who climbed up on top of a 5 or 6-story building and stood there at the edge.  One strong breeze and the cleaning crew would have been wiping this guy off the pavement instead of just confetti.

Anyway, the parade had all the usual stuff with the cars and the Cal Marching Band and whatnot.  The big story, I guess, was Sergio Romo and his t-shirt that said "I Just Look Illegal," which got more attention than anything else, pretty much.

When Romo came by where we were perched, fans along the sidewalk started throwing tortillas at him.  Romo seemed to get the joke, and ran around grabbing the tortillas up and throwing them back into the crowd.  He looked like he was having a total fucking blast.

I didn't really get why someone would think ahead to bring tortillas to a Giants Victory Parade for the purpose of throwing them at Sergio Romo.  Or maybe somebody just happened to have a package of tortillas, and thought, "What the fuck, I'll throw these at the guy wearing the provocative shirt about illegal immigration."  There were so many possible levels of irony and cultural coding that I needed an Ethnic Studies major to explain them all to me.

Then I got this tweet.

@sfist @40goingon28 The tortilla throwing comes from Incredibly Strange Wrestling, San Francisco's punk wrestling spectacular. #SFGiants
— bob calhoun (@bob_calhoun) October 31, 2012

Huh. I did not know that. I remember seeing flyers all around town for Incredibly Strange Wrestling, which was a thing in the 90's here in SF and which Bob Calhoun has written a book about, but I didn't know (1) that it involved coordinated tortilla throwing and (2) that this tortilla throwing survived ISW and became a Thing unto itself.  I'm still not sure how the mechanics of this work.  Do you just carry tortillas around and hope for an opportune moment to throw them?  Is it a coordinated thing, or are there Lone Ranger Tortilla Throwers?

ANYWAY.  The party then progressed to Civic Center Plaza, which had become fairly crowded.

There, Mayor Ed Lee and Giants exec Larry Baer proceeded to suck the life out of the crowd with a couple of long boring speeches.  Larry did the whole Growing-Up-On-29th-Avenue-in-The-Richmond thing which is great and all but nobody really gives a fuck.  People at these things want to cheer for the players, not hear the executives' life stories.  No towheaded 10-year-old with a Lincecum jersey and eye black on says "GEE DAD I HOPE WE GET TO HEAR THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER!!!!"  No.  They want to hear the players yell shit like "THANK YOU SAN FRANCISCO."  Which they did.

(Also, I don't want to get morbid or anything, but Gavin Newsom's daughter looks EXACTLY like Jon-Benet Ramsey.)

So there you have it.  When they win again next year, I wonder if the same number of people will show up.  Yesterday, there were people who got to Civic Center Plaza at fucking 1 a.m. Wednesday morning.  I can't imagine.

So congrats, Giants, on a great year and a truly unbelievable playoff run.  Honestly? I still can't believe they actually came back from 0-2 against Cincinnati.  Everything since that has felt kind of unreal.

Also, make sure and re-sign Angel Pagan.  That is all.

World Series Game 4: Is this real? Did that really just happen?

THIS JUST IN: Giants have NO CHANCE, none, to win World Series.

ELL OH FUCKING ELL.  By now, the smell of burnt couch outside your window has made it clear: The San Francisco Giants have won their second World Series in 2 years.  Basically any year that Buster Posey isn't injured, they win the World Series.  This will get tiring in about 3 or 4 years.

(This seems as good a time as any to remind everyone how I said on October 12 the Giants would win the World Series. WHERE'S MY CHECK, ESPN?)

OK.  On to the game:

* It's funny or something that the worst starter for the Giants in the Series was Matt Cain.  He didn't suck or anything, but in this Series, if you didn't pitch a shutout, you weren't very good.  Cain gave up, what, 2 home runs last night?  ANYWAY, he was fine.  YOU'RE FINE MATT CAIN.  I'm not trying to bitch or anything.  It's just that.....

* BARRY MOTHERFUCKING ZITO.  And then TIM LINCECUM.  And then JEREMY AFFELDT.  Here's how this shit went down.  Before the season started, they got together and said "Let's lie low this season and make everyone think we suck and then teams will get lulled into a false sense of security and then BLAMMO in the playoffs we will rock and shock America!  HAHAHAHAH  LET'S DO IT."

* Tim Lincecum.  I mean, come the fuck on.  The plan next year should be to start Mota or Lopez or someone, let him pitch about 2 innings, and then bring Tim in for the rest of the game because he is LETHAL as a reliever.  He just can't start!  We figured it out!

* RYAN THERIOT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

TA-DAAAAAAAAA!!!! Thanks, everyone!

Ryan Theriot scored the winning run in the 10th when he was driven in by the GUY WHO STOLE HIS JOB, Marco Scutaro.

* Wow, Phil Coke struck out the first 7 Giants he faced in the World Series?  WOW.  Really?  Also, doesn't he seem a little drunk in this video?  I guess he coulda hit the bottle between losing the game and being interviewed, but whoa, that was fast!

* Also, we need to briefly talk about Fox.  Fox is the Worst Thing That's Ever Happened in History.  On the field, there is an exciting Game 4 of the World Series.  Fox paid a large sum of money to broadcast this game.  So Fox spends an entire inning in an EXTREME CLOSEUP of Justin Verlander's face.  They are interviewing him at length WHILE THE GAME IS GOING ON.  Now, Justin Verlander at least plays baseball for one of the teams involved.  Another lengthy in-game interview was with the winner of some contest.  Fox should no longer be allowed to televise sporting events.  If Fox was televising the moon landing, they would have a lengthy interview with some dork pushing buttons at Mission Control while Neil Armstrong trots around the lunar surface.

So that's it.  Second World Series win in 3 years.  Everybody surprised.  Hell, I"M surprised.  Let's do it again next year.

World Series Game 3: HUNTER PENCE COMES ALIVE

Eschewing my normal routine of watching Giants World Series games at home, I headed out with some associates to Nickie's on Haight Street (WARNING SITE AUTOPLAYS MUSIC WHY YOU HAVE TO DO THAT NICKIE'S) last night.  Normally I have to watch games in a controlled environment because I get tense and nervous and can't have some chick over my shoulder yelling for a Midori Sour or complaining loudly about her boyfriend but I was like fuck it, Giants are feeling loose and so am I.

It was packed.  PACKED.  They weren't letting anyone else in after like 5:30 and so this very exclusive crowd sailed off together on the SS Making Shit Happen and generally had a great time.

What happened?  Here's what happened:

* Ryan Vogelsong went 5 2/3 innings which doesn't sound like much but also doesn't convey how totally dominant he was.  He walked a few and scatted a couple of hits but basically the Tigers were never really in it.  He was really good.

* And then TIM LINCECUM.  Tim!  What a story.  From consecutive Cy Youngs to the worst starting pitcher in the major leagues to the best reliever in World Series history I think I may be wrong about that but I'm pretty sure and it seems like it.  He just casually came in and struck out 3 guys and really, it wasn't cool or funny to beat up on people like that.  It was just MEAN what he did.  They were swinging at shit in the dirt and looking around like they were on Punk'd because how can someone throw a baseball and make it do shit like that.  Fucking insane.

* The Giants didn't score much but you only need to win by 1 and they got 2 just for the fuck of it.  Both in the second inning and then no more scoring at all.  In any other context, this is fucking boring.  In baseball, it's thrilling and gut-wrenching.  Well, sorta.  You have to be into baseball.

* Hunter Pence!  Remember all those times Hunter Pence was terrible and couldn't hit baseballs and generally looked even more insane than normal?  WELL WELL last night Hunter Pence just went 2 for 3 with a walk and a run scored and also caught EVERY SINGLE BALL HIT INTO THE OUTFIELD and now I will pick Hunter Pence first for kickball and I want him on my Birthing Team when my child is born and I'm totally cool with Hunter Pence just dropping by unannounced at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday to smoke a little weed and we'll put some of those frozen TGI Friday's mozzarella sticks in the oven and watch Adult Swim together.

Vice called Hunter Pence "a one-man SOON meme who runs as if his feet were being remote-controlled by two different seven-year-olds" so if the shoe fits....

*Haha, on MLB.com you can totally choose "Giants recap" or "Tigers recap". That's great!  They should do that for everything, so like the "Israelite recap" is "PLAGUES RAIN DOWN AS ISRAELITES KICK EGYPTIAN ASS" and the Egyptian recap is "GUEST WORKERS UNEXPECTEDLY DEPART; NILE NOW PLEASING SHADE OF RED".  Anyway, looks pretty good for the Giants now. Did I just do an Exodus joke? What am I, working a room in the Catskills in 1952?

* Please don't let Hector Sanchez be the DH again.  PLEEEEEASE.

OK!  Let's get out there tonight and have a good game, people.  Mission residents, GET YOUR MATTRESSES READY!

World Series Game 2: Nothin But a B Thing

You know those poor misguided people who continue to insist that baseball is....BORING?  Can you imagine such a thing?

Last night's game isn't going to change any of their minds. Unlike Wednesday night's Score-plosion Home-Run-apalooza, last night was more like a Why-Isn't-Anyone-Moving-A-Thon.  Game 1 was cathartic; Game 2 was scientific.  Game 1 was a fight in the schoolyard; Game 2 was a meeting of the Chess Club.  OK, I'm done here. I love a good pitcher's duel as much as the next guy, but I also like it when Things Happen.  Last night's most exciting play was A BUNT THAT DIDN'T ROLL FOUL.

Have you passed out from excitement yet?

I'm not bitching, though.  Giants win 2-0 behind a STELLAR performance from Madison Bumgarner (and THANK GOD we weren't treated to another Tim McCarver exegesis on Bumgarner's hometown of Hickory, North Carolina, and the many many Bumgarners who live within) and scoring two runs in the lamest possible ways, on a double play groundout and a Hunter Pence sacrifice fly.  Hunter Pence!  Even when he does something good, HE STILL MAKES AN OUT.  HUNTER PENCE FEVER:  CATCH IT!!!!!!!

Oh, and the Tigers' starting pitcher Doug Fister got NAILED by a line drive in the head, got up, answered a few questions, correctly responded that he was in 'San Francisco" and it was "Game 2" and then PITCHED FOUR MORE INNINGS.  What the fuck?  You might want to get that looked at, Doug Fister.

In the end, we were left withe scowling visage of Tigers CEO David Dombrowski and a 2-zip lead in the series.

Now we go to Detroit. I don't know what will happen there but I guarantee you will read at least one newspaper story about how gritty and real Detroit is and how the Tigers haven't given up in the face of adversity, just like the citizens of Detroit. And maybe also about how Delmon Young hates Jews.

UPDATE: Here it is!  Thanks, CW Nevius!

World Series Game 1: Verlanderp

I. Am. An idiot.

Yesterday, I watched ticket prices for last night's game on StubHub fall below $300 apiece for reasonably good seats by 3:30 p.m.  It was actually amazing how cheap they were getting.  But did I say "Oh, fuck it, I can't pass this up, I gotta go"?  NO OF COURSE NOT.

No, you see, I was planning to go tonight because I bought into the lamestream media narrative about how Justin Verlander was UNHITTABLE and would not only throw a perfect game but would probably also hit a grand slam.  The media coronation of Verlander was so complete that I didn't want to drop $700 to see the Giants lose.  I should have listened to the Verlander truthers who were laughed at for suggesting that last night would be an inside job and a repeat of Verlander's last World Series start, against the Cardinals in 2006, when he gave up 6 runs in 5 innings for a 10.80 ERA.  LAUGHED AT. 

So you know what happened.  This time, Verlander changed it up a little and only went 4 innings and gave up 5 runs for an 11.25 ERA.

Wait, I think I've seen this movie before!  Remember what they told us before Game 1 of the 2010 series?  I do, because I used my rapier-like wit on it then:

Cliff Lee is the most ungodly pitiching talent you will ever see. He throws 105 miles per hour and strikes out the guy selling churros in the stands, that's how good he is. If the Giants somehow manage to cobble together one run by cheating or divine intervention, it will truly be a Fatima-level miracle. This kid makes Sandy Koufax look like Salomon Torres after a three-day bender. Plus, he's from Arkansas, so he's a Real American.

Cliff Lee got chased in the 5th and the Giants won 11-7. Last night, Verlander got chased after 4 and the Giants won 8-3. 

Moving on.  PABLO SANDOVAL.  PABLO SANDOVAL.  He hit 3 home runs last night, or roughly 4 more than people expected.  That's right, Verlander is so good he can throw NEGATIVE HOME RUNS that actually take a run off the board.  But not last night!  Pablo joins Babe Ruth, Reggie Jackson, and Albert Pujols as the 4th guy in history to hit 3 home runs in a World Series game.  I was going to make a Babe Ruth fat joke here but I held off.

After the second one, Verlander was so shocked he just goes "Wow."  HOW FUNNY IS THAT.

I haven't even gotten to the pitching and the Amazing Story of Where the Fuck Has This Barry Zito Been for the Last Five Years but you people have the attention spans of fruit flies so my time here is drawing short.  There are many more games left to play and it's unlikely that the Giants will sweep so EVERYBODY KEEP FOCUSED and we have a long way to go blah blah blah.

(Oh, one other thing, because it can't be all sunshine and roses: Hunter Pence, dude, you seem like a good guy, but what the fuck?  You used to be able to hit?  What the fuck happened to you?  Did you participate in a some kind of black magic ritual and transfer all your Baseball Strength to Barry Zito?  I mean, that's cool and everything, but I hope he's taking care of you because you look like a tweaked-out gardener swinging a brush cutter up there.)

GAME TWO TONIGHT.  WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN.  GIANTS FEVER: CATCH IT!!!!!!!!

(To close my thought from above, about why I'm an idiot for thinking I could even go tonight: As of this second (10:14 a.m.), there are a paltry 1,451 tickets available on StubHub, starting at $540 for Standing Room Only.  Yesterday afternoon there were around 8,000 tickets left, and you could get good seats for $300.  Amazing what a win will do.  Also, needless to say, I'm not going tonight.)

Detroit sportswriter calls AT&T Park wimpy; ignores fact that Comerica Park is basically Tinkerbell's summer place

Oh, for fuck's sake, here we go again.  Every time a lazy sportswriter from out of town comes to SF and isn't smart enough to write about the actual sport or its participants, he or she (but always he) rolls out the lazy trope of "SF fans are wimpy because they like sushi and wine".  This week's example is brought to us by Jeff Seidel of the Detroit Free Press, whose boss should really ask him why the fuck he is filing stories like this.

SAN FRANCISCO – Now, the San Francisco Giants have a talented team.

And they play in an amazing, beautiful stadium in an unbelievable setting near San Francisco Bay. It’s breathtaking.

But there is no way the Detroit Tigers can lose to these guys. They would never live it down.

First of all, the Giants have a Build-A-Bear Workshop in the stands behind leftfield at AT&T Park. Seriously. How the heck can you lose to a team where the fans can go to a game and stuff a teddy bear and then buy a cute little outfit?

Can you imagine that in Detroit?

Get real.

We’d run them out of town, just because it sounds so wimpy.

And then they have a giant slide, which looks like a McDonald’s play station on steroids.

Yeah, the Tigers have a carousel. But carousels are cool. 

Wait, what? The Tigers have a carousel in the stadium and you're throwing shade on the Build-A-Bear Workshop? Are you fucking kidding me? Carousels are so wimpy there's a musical called "Carousel."

Manly-type amusement

We also have the inevitable complaints about the concessions.

AT&T Park isn’t a baseball stadium. It’s an exotic food court that happens to have a baseball field.

Few San Francisco fans would ever lower themselves to eating a beer and a brat. Or even a coney.

They sit there -- decked out in orange and black, waving orange towels -- watching their Giants while eating garlic fries, crab sandwiches on grilled sourdough bread, clam chowder, fried calamari, sweet potato fries with cinnamon and chipotle sprinkle, and clove garlic chicken sandwiches.

Others can be found drinking margaritas, Irish coffee and an assortment of wines. 

Meanwhile, the Big Cat Food Court at Comerica Park features a frozen daiquiri stand, because nothing says "baseball" like frozen daiquiris.  How about veggie teriyaki from the Asian Tiger stand in the food court, Jeff?  Is that a challenge to your masculinity, too?

(I also note that, of course, there is a selection of wine available as well.)

The last thing I want to do is to get into a pissing match with some idiot from Detroit.  The problem isn't the hack-y attempt to call Giants fans weak; it's that the lame-ass fucking story has already been done to death.  Jeff's editor should dock his pay for turning in shit like this.  It's like going to Detroit and using the terms "bombed-out", "abandoned", "Beirut-like", "savage hellhole", or "pale shadow of its former self, robbed of all dignity and pride".  We've seen that story before.  Try writing about the game or something.

(And, in all fairness, when Scott Ostler files his inevitable slice-of-Detroit-stereotype story for the Chronicle, I'll make fun of him too.)

[UPDATE: I guess I'm a hack, too, since everyone in the Bay Area is teeing off on this article also.  The SFWeekly article even has the advantage of sounding JUST LIKE MINE! Sorry.]

Just like I called it

On October 12, just after the Giants won Game 5 against the Reds to pull out a miraculous comeback in that series, I was emailing with Periqueblend about the Giants' chances.  Here's what I said:

No, after that series, now I think they are going to go to, and win, the World Series.  If they can overcome being 2 games down to an arguably better team and have the starting pitching be average at best, and usually not that good, until the last game, when it was slightly above average, and win, they can pretty much do anything.  I think all the teams left in the playoffs would be frightened of them right now because they don't make sense.  If you KNOW how your opponent wins, you can strategize against it. But you can't prepare for a team when you can't figure out how the fuck they do what they do.  Tim Lincecum, worst starting pitcher in the majors?  Oh, he'll just come on and pitch like a Cy Young winner.  Stuff like that.  How do prepare for that?

I guess I was right!  Tell you one thing, though, NO ONE expected the Giants to outscore the Cardinals 20-1 in the last 3 games.  That is some next level shit.


And now here we are with the Giants back in the World Series and I have to keep reminding myself that I have a baby on the way and I can't drop $1000 on WS tickets.  Right?  I mean, I can't, right?  RIGHT? 

I mean, that would just be ridiculous.

Let's talk again after Game 1.