Local bloggers frustrated in search for post-museum drinks

Went with Jessica and Stephen to SFMOMA today to check out some art. If you haven't seen "The Steins Collect," what the fuck are you waiting for? Do you hate art and beauty? What kind of fucked-up person are you? Go see it. Anyway.

We got out of there around 3:30 and it's a beautiful day out and so we thought we might grab a quick drink. THIS IS WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG.

First thought: B Restaurant, in Yerba Buena Center. I knew it had outdoor tables and you gotta sit outdoors on the 3 days a year it's warm enough in San Francisco to sit outdoors. No dice. They weren't open until 4:30.

New plan: We will return to the Mission and get some beers at Rosamunde and sit on their front porch. BZZZT it's totally full when we get there because no one in the Mission has a job so a bunch of deadbeats and losers had already filled up the whole porch. Dorks.

Next plan: But wait! The Liberties has like 10 or 15 outdoor tables! Perfect! Quick walk there. Maybe 3 or 4 of the outdoor tables are taken. Plenty of room! Finally! We will realize our dream! So we walk in and there's one guy at the bar and the bartender and that's it. We're getting ready to order and she says, "Are you guys planning to take these outside?" And we're all "Yeah," thinking we have to order from a waitress outside or something.

"You have to order food to sit outside," she says.

Wait what. "Do we have to order, like, a LOT of food?" Jessica asks, not unreasonably.

"You have to order one item per drink." So we were all "You have got to be kidding" and left.

Now, seriously, The Liberties, are you fucking kidding me? You just lost the business of three heavy drinkers in an empty bar with at least 10 empty tables outside. Is that a good business plan? I get that you want to capitalize on your outdoor seating when it's nice out, but seriously, why fucking turn away business when the tables will just sit empty? I mean, who does that?

Also, I've sat at those outside tables plenty of times before without ordering food. So that whole thing was fucked.

(As you may have gathered, I'm off work this week so I've been taking the dog to the beach and all over town so much that he basically thinks we're going steady now and I'm also doing things like going to the museum on a Tuesday. Yes, I am taking a few days off but not leaving town but DO NOT say that word, the one you're thinking, that starts with an "S" and ends with "aycation." Do not say that word.)

The Bachelorette: Finally, somebody gets seriously injured

So we're still in Thailand and it seems that we're moving the whole operation to Chiang Mai, which features "many relaxing bars, several discotheques, live music venues and one street with hostess bars which cater to tourists." The Douche Alliance is installed in some faux colonial dump w/ Thai restaurant music and we see Ashley Chipmunk walking along and we're 4 minutes in before we get our first voiceover mention of Bentley, who continues to infect this show like malaria or fire ants.

Solo date with Ben F., "Sonoma winemaker," who really does look like one of the late stages in an "Evolution of Man" exhibit at the Natural History Museum. They take one of those DPT Cushman mobiles into town and visit the "Umbrella Making Centre," where I guess tourists can simulate producing consumer goods for America for 50 cents an hour. Then they sit in front of a Very Sacred Thai Temple where they're apparently not allowed to make out, so Chipmunk suggests they do a "mental kiss" and this is where The Wife said "This is like a fucking high school......oh...ugh, ugh....."

Cut to the Nighttime Part of the date. She's wearing a romper made out of a very ugly tablecloth. They have your usual Outdoor Dinner at some Thai place. He gets the #14 and then blabs on and on and on and on about his Dad dying and his feelings and whatever blah blah blah even Chipmunk looks bored until the Fire Dancers and Fire Breathers come out and she's like THANK GOD I don't have to listen to Mr. Here's Every Fucking Thing That's Ever Crossed My Mind any more.

Group Date. 8 douches will enter the ring and sadly 8 will leave. It seems that we are doing Muay Thai boxing, which sounds GREAT to me because someone might be killed or paralyzed and then I'll like this show again. They do some crazy Muay Thai workout for like 8 hours and Ames is all "Not the face, please! Not my beautiful face!" They divvy up some boxing gear and get in the ring in some public square in front of a bunch of Thai people who are all "Who are these fuckers and why won't they hurt each other? Fuck."

You just know Ames is going to get killed because he's a Delicate Flower and YEP he gets knocked around and is led to an ambulance and whisked away to a Thai ER room where I guess some powdered rhinoceros horn and some spells will fix him right up. Later, at the Nighttime Portion of the Group Date, Ames makes a dramatic reappearance and I think his "Portfolio Manager" career might be over unless the portfolio is Care Bears stickers because he looks fucked up real bad. Meanwhile, in a solo interview, William inexplicably says "Who has 2 thumbs and is gonna win the rose on the 2 on 1 date? This guy," pointing at himself because I guess Ashley made it clear she was only marrying guys with 2 thumbs. Ashley mentions Bentley about 12 more times and gives Generic Man Blake a rose.

DOUBLE BRO DATE. William and Ben C. raft Chipmunk down a river like it's "Apocalypse Now" or something and William talks all kinds of shit about how Ben C. said he'll "clean up" on those "dating websites" and fucking Chipmunk is just like REALLY OH THAT'S BAD and fucking gets rid of Ben C. RIGHT THEN. Like why would you believe that superdouche? Why does this girl do these things? Who knows. Oh wait, she says she didn't like him anyway. He gets the Emo Raft-Away instead of the Emo Limo-Away.

We segue into yet another Outdoor Dinner, this time with William. He gives everyone major creeps by saying he's a "30 year old boy" and she tells him to GTFO. Back to your fun life selling cell phones to a gullible mall-going public.

OK, back at the resort for the Pre-Rose. Chipmunk sits down with Chris Harrison and wants to talk about Bentley. Chris Harrison is just as pissed about this as all of us.

He wishes he could kick her off the fucking show and I do too. Let's bring in Chantal from last season to do some mop up because this bitch crazy.

Soul Patch Guy gets cut. I can't remember his name. You don't care anyway. Why didn't Ames get cut? The Wife knows: "You can't put him on a plane. His head would explode." I feel the same way.

Dispatches from an increasingly desperate situation

As I have noted on Twitter, The Sister is currently visiting Moms in Arizona. I, thankfully, am not. Here is a series of text messages I have received so far today from what appears to be a rapidly declining situation:

9:56 am Good morning! For breakfast I was presented with moldy raspberries and a broken spatula w/ no handle to make frittatas.

10:03 am Can't make this shit up.

10:04 am Why do you keep a broken fucking spatula? It's splintered and has NO HANDLE. Fuck.

10:27 am Today we are also featuring a Facebook tutorial.

1:12 pm Tutorial did NOT go well.

1:13 pm She is on FB but doesn't want to use it ever.

1:15 pm She doesn't understand it and doesn't want to figure it out.

1:26 pm Now trying to explain youtube. Sigh.

1:46 pm Every item of food in this house is revolting. I'm not having a good time.

1:56 pm She got mad and was like "You always say everything I have is rotten!" BECAUSE IT IS.

2:02 pm Then she opened her cookie tin where she stores cookies and kale chips together bc she only has one tin.

2:02 pm I said, these kale chips taste like oatmeal cookies. That was why.


2:05 pm Also as you may have guessed the cookies are stale.

Urban etiquette: an occasional series

Today's topic: Neighbors.

Fucking neighbors, am I right?



If you're reading this and you live in a city, you probably either have or have had problems with some annoying fucking neighbors. I have had some bad experiences myself, like:

- When I lived (unfortunately and sadly) in Santa Cruz, I lived in this condo building near the beach and the next door neighbors were this old white couple from Walnut Creek that perfectly summed up and embodied "old white couple from Walnut Creek" with the fucking late-model Caddy and the condescending attitude and the whole 9 and they would come down to their Weekend Place which happened to adjoin my Everyday Place and they would fucking BLAST THEIR TV LIKE THEY WERE TRANSMITTING MATLOCK INTO SPACE and I had to have a talk with the old lady and she couldn't understand what the fuck was wrong. Bitch.

- Oh and as I alluded to last week, my place in North Beach was directly above a Divorced Mom Who Became a Lesbian and her two right-around-teenage kids and Mom used to jet off on the weekends to do lesbian stuff or whatever and leave the kids alone right around the time they discovered metal and you can guess where it went from there. Now, I'm not exactly a go-to-bed-when-the-sun-sets kinda guy, especially on weekends, but when the Metallica starts up at fucking 9 am on a Saturday YOU BET YOUR ASS WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM. Little fuckers. I hope they're both in juvie now. GREAT JOB PARENTING ABSENTEE MOM.

We lucked out and have a place now that only has one wall in common with another place and so we don't really have neighbor problems any more except for the Creepy Old Guy whose back stair landing faces our back door. COG looks to be maybe late 60s and is bald and bearded and British, apparently, and typically wears suspenders and a t-shirt and comes out to smoke on his back landing and also FUCKING BLARES music outside to the whole fucking neighborhood, shit like Bob Dylan and Cab Calloway and scratchy old blues records. For the life of me I can't understand why he has to open all his doors and treat the entire neighborhood to his stupid fucking music but he usually turns it off by around 8 so I guess I don't have to kill him and his family YET.

ANYWAY. I don't want to hear this bullshit about "It's a city, if you don't like it move to the suburbs." Fuck you. This is about common courtesy. We all live on top of each other and a little bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way. So here's how to be a good neighbor:

1. When you come home shitfaced at 2 am, don't fucking blast "California Gurls." If you want to rock out to some guilty pleasures, you have headphones. Use them.

2. Do you live above someone? Any time something hits your floor, I guarantee it sounds like a bomb going off through the ceiling to your downstairs neighbor. Watch it with clomping around in your Doc Martens.

3. Why are you hanging pictures at 1 am on a Tuesday? If you're not spun out on meth, you have no excuse. Driving nails is a Daytime Activity.

4. I know "According to Jim" reruns are funnier when you can hear them in every room of your apartment, but give us a break and turn the fucking TV down a little bit.

Life is tough and we all have our own struggles to work through. But we can all get along better and be happier and more productive citizenbots if we just look out for each other. Take 30 fucking seconds and think about someone besides yourself, OK?

I'm going to randomly put money in parking meters today. Random acts of kindness, you dig?

This week's Your Free iTunes Downloads Reviews

Not a good week. Lots of subpar electropop, plus yet another song in Spanish that I don't feel qualified to judge. Let's get started.

Andy Grammer, "Miss Me"



You've heard this song a million times before. It sounds like the background music in a commercial for visiting Nevada or something. It's super-clean and shiny and totally devoid of life. This will show up in a Kate Hudson romcom during the "we broke up and I'm sad and moping around the house" montage towards the end.

Owl City, "Deer in the Headlights"



Ugh, this is terrible. It's like they didn't even put any effort into it. Just string together some synth effects and any melody that pops into your head and call it a day. Are all their songs this bad? No wonder people hate them so much. Fuck this.

Jadakiss, "Hold You Down" (f/ Emmany)





Seriously, I was really liking Jada at the beginning and then WHAM we get hit with the totally predictable R&B chorus. Why you gotta mess up a perfectly good rap song by cutting and pasting a Destiny's Child chorus in the middle of it? Oh well, guess "Emmany" needs to work too.

Ziggy Marley, "Forward to Love"



Really, Ziggy? This is what you're doing? This isn't any good, even by reggae standards. I mean, it seriously sounds like something some white college kids put together after listening to "Legend" for a whole semester.

Junior Boys, "Itchy Fingers"



WOW THIS IS SO BORING.

Here are some sentences you might hear when this is playing in the background:

"The dentist will see you now."

"Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold and we will be with you shortly."

"Welcome to T.J. McGillicudy's! My name is Cody and I'll be your server today."

"This sure is a good song, Mark Sanchez!"

Justice, "Civilization"



The video, which seems to involve a herd of bison trying to keep from getting crushed by falling statutes, is far more interesting than the song. Poor bison. I thought Justice was supposed to be good? This isn't very good.

Sie7e, "Tengo tu love"



I'm kind of uncomfortable judging songs sung mostly in Spanish because I don't really know enough about the genres to know what I'm talking about. This is some kind of vaguely reggae-ish thing where the guy uses some English words like "love" and "black card" and whatever, I'm not the right person to ask.

THE VERDICT:Even though they're all free, nothing worth downloading this week. Unless you happen to love terrible electropop. Seriously, Owl City must be stopped, for the good of music.

The Bachelorette: Hell in a Phuket

Christ, I'm sorry about that title. That is just terrible.

Tonight the Douchecabal is off to Thailand where they will hopefully die in a powerboat drug-smuggling incident but probably not. We will also not be able to count the number of times Ashley Chipmunk says the name "Bentley" in voiceover. She loves that psychopath SO SO SO MUCH.

Solo date with Constantine, who has a head like a soccer ball and a lazy eye. They were gonna take a boat out to a private beach but the weather's no good so you know what Constantine's backup plan is? LET'S GO SHOPPING! The romance is strong in this one. They head into town in Phuket or whatever and Chipmunk sees a holy Thai shrine and squeals "That's so cute!!!" like it's a Chuck E. Cheese or something. She is really a dipshit, no joke. Constantine wants to interact with some locals so they stop to ask a kindly old shopkeeper for his advice on marriage and they rope in some hapless kid to interpret and he says "YOU BUY EVERYTHING IN STORE YOU HAPPY FOREVER" no actually he says something about "Don't try to win" which is fine if you're a BIG PUSSY. Anyway, they don't buy anything and then they have awkward beers at some kind of cafe and SHE STARTS BITCHING ABOUT BENTLEY IN VOICEOVER.


The dinner portion of the date is at our usual outdoor seaside cabana thing. Guess who's on Chipmunk's mind? One guess.


They fucking blather on about nothing and Soccer Ball Head gets a rose.

OK, next day. Group date. How do you think it starts? If you guessed "TALKING ABOUT FUCKING BENTLEY," go ahead and cut yourself as a reward. You've been very good holding out this long and we'll tell your therapist it was an accident.

Chipmunk takes about 10 douches out to this orphanage thing. "Maybe some of you guys know," she says, "but in 2004 there was a huge tsunami here and it left a lot of people really devastated." The guys all furrow their brows and try to figure out what the hell she's talking about. As it happens, they're going to do some cleaning and painting and whatnot at the orphanage and this is actually very very nice and it's hard for me to make fun of this except to say that the lime-aqua combo they're using to paint one of the rooms is TRAGIC.

Oh look, Ben F. has gone the extra step and painted a mural on one wall!


It's called "Miniature Pink Elephant with Vacuum Attachment Prepares to Hoover Up Flower Garden." Lovely!

Time for some Post-Charity Cocktails. Chipmunk tells Ben F. she "went through a hard time last week" and you know who she's talking about and this is now veering into the very very strange. Anyway, he manages to get a little makeout sesh with her which he then botches by actually saying "Ruh Roh" in the middle of it. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.

She goes off to talk to JP her BFF from last episode. You know who she mentions in the V.O. at this point right?


Anyway, she and JP start making out and whatever.

Next day, solo date with "Ames," the "Portfolio Manager" from "New York." As it happens, this nerdy little Achievebot has been to Phuket before! Alone! To go to cooking school!

What's this? A text from my sister, who says what we're all thinking at this point:

"Total gay. He is hoarding his roses to make potpourri."

What, a straight man can't go to Thailand alone to go to cooking school? No, as a matter of fact, he can't. Wait, here's Ames' account of his Best First Date: "I met SOMEBODY in a shoe store and they said 'What are you doing tonight' and I said 'Going out with you.'" They ended up dating a long time. Make of that what you will. Also, he tells Chipmunk he's looking for somebody "open-minded." OH I BET YOU ARE.

Another outdoor dinner! Another mention of You Know Who!


Ames looks at the rose on the table and says he prefers to think of it as a "floral piece." Girlfriend is redecorating the cabana in his mind already! He gets the floral piece and Chipmunk gets a new Gay Best Friend.

The Pre-Rose Cocktail Party is back on this week after a terrible hiatus last week. Chipmunk has a little chat with West, who definitely did not kill his first wife. He's ready to "move on" and presumably NOT KILL AGAIN. Chipmunk says she has "some pretty big shoes to fill." Pretty big bathtub full of water after you have a seizure too! That was terrible. I'm sorry about that.

Chipmunk sits down with Our Host Chris Harrison. Guess who she wants to talk about? Milton Friedman. No, silly! Anyway, she's only sending one guy home this week. Fuck, at this rate this show is going to take fucking FOREVER to finish. Cut to Rose Ceremony. West gets cut. SO TO SPEAK. If you decide to date West, take showers instead of baths. Just a little friendly advice.

That's right, Bumgarner's hitting cleanup.

Last night or maybe this morning I received a provocative text message from Olu. It was "Let's crush some 40s and watch this video of a Marina girl throwing up that's on this iPhone I found on the bus." No, not really. It said:

"Thought experiment. Could the Giants pitchers defeat the Giants hitters? Mind you the hitters have to pitch, and the pitchers have to field all positions."

MIND. BLOWN.

FACT: Olu and I are kind of baseball geeks. The kind that might think about this.

FACT: The pitchers totally win. Check out the pitchers' lineup:

2B R Ramirez .213

SS S Casilla .238

1B M Cain .233

RF M Bumgarner .268

CF R Vogelsong .226

C G Mota .273

LF J Sanchez .205

3B B Wilson .224

P T Lincecum .224

Are you shitting me? How is that any worse than the actual lineup they're throwing out there today? PITCHERS TOTALLY SMOKE THE POSITION PLAYERS.

Who's gonna pitch for the Fieldies? Schierholtz, I guess. We know he has a cannon. But even an 80 mph fastball is only a little bit better than batting practice. Can you see Nate turning and watching a J-San knock sail over the left field wall? YOU THINK NATE CAN THROW A SLIDER? Fuck that shit.

I would totally pay to see this, too.