Doesn't it seem like there are more earthquakes than usual these days? Maybe it just seems that way, but already in 2011 we've had 7.0 or higher quakes in Argentina, Chile, Pakistan, China, and 2 in Japan, counting the one today. And the one today was fucking HUGE.
Like any Normal Person, it makes me think we're due. With that in mind, let's go over a few things you'll need to know when the Next Big One hits here:
BEFORE THE QUAKE
- Make sure you have your earthquake supplies ready. That should include a long roll of gauze that you can wrap around your head to heighten the "badly wounded" effect. Also, a bottle of vodka is a good idea. You'll need a radio of some kind. Get a combination CD/radio player with Biggie's "Life After Death" pre-loaded because that will be good Post-Disaster music.
- If you don't have a pet, consider getting one. Besides being a fun companion, a pet is a self-contained food supply. Also, a long-haired cat's pelt can make an effective small blanket. Don't bother with gerbils or other small rodents. You can't make it work, calorie-wise.
- Prepare an Earthquake Plan. This should include a location where you'll meet up with your friends and family (DO NOT PICK THE 500 CLUB I ALREADY PICKED THAT AND WE ALL NEED TO HAVE OUR OWN PLACE) and one person designated to liveblog the whole thing.
DURING THE QUAKE
PANIC. Also, try and get some video on your phone. BONUS if it's of a shaking bookcase with shit falling out.
AFTER THE QUAKE
- The first thing you should do is try and figure out who your Leader will be in the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare that you now inhabit. Try to gravitate towards people wearing animal skins and carrying guns. The Leader should be charismatic but also quietly assured and have a spiritual side that he doesn't reveal, except maybe in one scene with Mila Kunis.
- You will need to rebuild the shattered world, so be the first to loot a nearby hardware store.
- Try to stay out of the Rivers of Blood. God knows what weird diseases those people had.
- Now is a good time to slaughter and eat your dog. Save the haunches for yourself.
By following a few simple tips like these, you can greatly increase your chances of surviving and even enjoying the Monster Earthquake That Is Sure to Devastate Our Area.
Have a nice weekend!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Yes, they still have launch parties
I didn't know they still had Launch Parties! You know, when some kind of Internet-related company gets a lot of money and has nothing to spend it on so they rent out a big space and hire bartenders and invite their friends from college to show them how successful they are! There used to be a lot of them Back in the Day but then people figured out that if your business model was "get big enough to sell to Google" that really wasn't a revenue-generating idea and no one would give money to ShirtTail or MeFace or SporkYou any more.
But TA-DA!!! I guess it didn't go away, because right there last night was a Totally Authentic Launch Party. This company rented out a large building and had bartenders and free Evan Williams and Irony (the wine, not the literary technique - launch parties tend to be earnest and irony-free, sadly) and whatever else and a live karaoke band, the Amazing Embarrassonic and a trampoline.
I have a couple of observations:
- One of the first guys to sing with the live karaoke band did some kind of genius post-punk version of "99 Red Balloons." The intro started off all nice and quiet and then he gripped the mic and literally SHRIEKED "YOU AND I AND A LITTLE TOY SHOP BUY A BAG OF BALLOONS WITH THE MONEY WE'VE GOT SET THEM FREE AT THE BREAK OF DAWN TIL ONE BY ONE THEY WERE GONE." People were staring at him like WTF but I knew he was operating on a whole other level that we can't comprehend. It was fucking magical and I'm glad I was there to see it.
- Another note on the band: They have a list of like 500 songs, but I'll bet you anything that they play the same 50 at every gig. You got your "I Will Survive" and your "Mandy" and so forth that everybody does. I doubt they break out "Motor Away" by Guided by Voices that much and HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T SEE THEY KNEW A GUIDED BY VOICES SONG I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT.
- I met Daisy, which was pretty cool because I've only seen her on the Internet. I'm still not sure what she was doing there. I could barely hear her. I kind of fucked up because when we were done talking I hugged her and I think I remember now that she said she hates being hugged.
She's actually really nice in person. Sorry I'm ruining your cred, D.
- I'm still not 100% sure what the product being launched actually does. I am 100% sure that some girls wear skintight minidresses to launch parties.
But TA-DA!!! I guess it didn't go away, because right there last night was a Totally Authentic Launch Party. This company rented out a large building and had bartenders and free Evan Williams and Irony (the wine, not the literary technique - launch parties tend to be earnest and irony-free, sadly) and whatever else and a live karaoke band, the Amazing Embarrassonic and a trampoline.
I have a couple of observations:
- One of the first guys to sing with the live karaoke band did some kind of genius post-punk version of "99 Red Balloons." The intro started off all nice and quiet and then he gripped the mic and literally SHRIEKED "YOU AND I AND A LITTLE TOY SHOP BUY A BAG OF BALLOONS WITH THE MONEY WE'VE GOT SET THEM FREE AT THE BREAK OF DAWN TIL ONE BY ONE THEY WERE GONE." People were staring at him like WTF but I knew he was operating on a whole other level that we can't comprehend. It was fucking magical and I'm glad I was there to see it.
- Another note on the band: They have a list of like 500 songs, but I'll bet you anything that they play the same 50 at every gig. You got your "I Will Survive" and your "Mandy" and so forth that everybody does. I doubt they break out "Motor Away" by Guided by Voices that much and HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T SEE THEY KNEW A GUIDED BY VOICES SONG I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT.
- I met Daisy, which was pretty cool because I've only seen her on the Internet. I'm still not sure what she was doing there. I could barely hear her. I kind of fucked up because when we were done talking I hugged her and I think I remember now that she said she hates being hugged.
She's actually really nice in person. Sorry I'm ruining your cred, D.
- I'm still not 100% sure what the product being launched actually does. I am 100% sure that some girls wear skintight minidresses to launch parties.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. And Then Pile on Michelle.
“The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” is a ritual of public humiliation in which the women who are not one of the Final 2 in the running to be Brad’s TV Wife are heavily made-up and herded onto a soundstage so they can berate one another. It’s horrifying but also fascinating because it confirms what we suspected about these women: they’re much smarter and meaner than they pretended not to be on the show.
BUT FIRST we are treated to scenes of some kind of Bachelor reunion parties in New York and LA. These parties are apparently designed to lure contestants into signing contracts while drunk to appear on the execrable “Bachelor Pad” and also to get Frog Prince Kasey laid. (Which, BTW, I read somewhere he was dating Vienna. That’s a match made in the Ninth Circle of some Reality Hell.)
Anyway, then we’re treated to a recap of supposedly controversial moments on the show and then we go back to live and everyone starts piling on Michelle. Thuis apparently makes for good TV, since Michelle has been cast as the villain this year but maybe she was just sarcastic. I could see that being a problem with this crowd. I’m not sure sarcasm registers. Jackie calls her a “spider,” because Jackie just learned the word “spider” and wants to use it. Also, Madison the Vampire Girl has suddenly developed a personality.
After a commercial break and an opportunity for every single girl to say the phrase “here for the right reasons,” it’s time for Michelle to sit down with Chris Harrison. Chris says it’s “hard to explain until you’re in y’all’s heels.” WAIT WHAT. What’s with the “y’alls,” Chris Harrison? Oh, wait, he’s from Dallas so I guess he can get away with that. Everyone is being very mean to Michelle. “Look at me. I can’t even breathe,” she says. For some reason, this generates applause in the audience. Stacey the bartender says Michelle should have put her child first! That’s very mean! Britt thinks everyone hates Michelle because she’s “ridiculously gorgeous.” WHOA BRITT. That’s a different show.
Now we have segments on a few of the chicks. Nanny Ashley’s dream is to be a great wife and mother. Nanny Ashley, I remind you, is 26 years old. She needs to read Jezebel or a book or something. Dentist Ashley now has brown hair and opines that it was a “defense mechanism” that kept her from TV love. Would that everyone was equipped with such a mechanism. Then she goes into Manic Giggly Mode and we all lose interest again.
Brad comes out and we see some tape of him and Chris visiting a preschool in South Africa and bestowing a hot water heater on them and the whole thing is so staged it’s borderline uncomfortable but I guess a good water heater is a good water heater. The only other thing of interest is an outtake reel they show and WOW HOLY SHIT Brad actually DOES have a personality, they’ve just edited any trace of it out this season. For most of the show he’s been 20 bpm above cadaver stage but on the outtake reel he’s like Robin Williams after an 8-ball. Who knew!
Next week is the finale and then we can move past this together, thank God.
BUT FIRST we are treated to scenes of some kind of Bachelor reunion parties in New York and LA. These parties are apparently designed to lure contestants into signing contracts while drunk to appear on the execrable “Bachelor Pad” and also to get Frog Prince Kasey laid. (Which, BTW, I read somewhere he was dating Vienna. That’s a match made in the Ninth Circle of some Reality Hell.)
Anyway, then we’re treated to a recap of supposedly controversial moments on the show and then we go back to live and everyone starts piling on Michelle. Thuis apparently makes for good TV, since Michelle has been cast as the villain this year but maybe she was just sarcastic. I could see that being a problem with this crowd. I’m not sure sarcasm registers. Jackie calls her a “spider,” because Jackie just learned the word “spider” and wants to use it. Also, Madison the Vampire Girl has suddenly developed a personality.
After a commercial break and an opportunity for every single girl to say the phrase “here for the right reasons,” it’s time for Michelle to sit down with Chris Harrison. Chris says it’s “hard to explain until you’re in y’all’s heels.” WAIT WHAT. What’s with the “y’alls,” Chris Harrison? Oh, wait, he’s from Dallas so I guess he can get away with that. Everyone is being very mean to Michelle. “Look at me. I can’t even breathe,” she says. For some reason, this generates applause in the audience. Stacey the bartender says Michelle should have put her child first! That’s very mean! Britt thinks everyone hates Michelle because she’s “ridiculously gorgeous.” WHOA BRITT. That’s a different show.
Now we have segments on a few of the chicks. Nanny Ashley’s dream is to be a great wife and mother. Nanny Ashley, I remind you, is 26 years old. She needs to read Jezebel or a book or something. Dentist Ashley now has brown hair and opines that it was a “defense mechanism” that kept her from TV love. Would that everyone was equipped with such a mechanism. Then she goes into Manic Giggly Mode and we all lose interest again.
Brad comes out and we see some tape of him and Chris visiting a preschool in South Africa and bestowing a hot water heater on them and the whole thing is so staged it’s borderline uncomfortable but I guess a good water heater is a good water heater. The only other thing of interest is an outtake reel they show and WOW HOLY SHIT Brad actually DOES have a personality, they’ve just edited any trace of it out this season. For most of the show he’s been 20 bpm above cadaver stage but on the outtake reel he’s like Robin Williams after an 8-ball. Who knew!
Next week is the finale and then we can move past this together, thank God.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Is this ridiculous? This seems ridiculous.
As part of my ongoing quest to try and figure out whether it's Me or Everybody Else, I present to you my latest quandary (which I happened to Twitter about yesterday): The Case of the Annoyingly Intrusive Garage Neighbor and Her Ridiculous Request.
Regular followers are already familiar with Annoying Garage Neighbor, as I have written before about her taking up the parking spaces in front of my house that aren't even in front of her garage. Maybe she figured out that was a total dick move, because now she only monopolizes one of the spaces full-time instead of two. Anyway.
(Basic story: She started renting the garage but instead of parking a car there she hangs out there sometimes and does God knows what. Sometimes there's hammering and loud music.)
ANYWAY, yesterday The Wife and I are coming out of our house on the way to go see "The Adjustment Bureau" (not bad, but might as well wait for DVD) and Annoying Neighbor is out there and she's all "Do you guys have a wireless network?" And she had just been interrupting my enjoyment of a 48 Hours Mystery on TLC bumping her shitty disco music so I was already irritated at having to interact w/ her. I go, "Yeah," and we're heading down the stairs and she goes "I was wondering if I could get on your network so I could work on some homework while I'm over here."
First of all, I don't know what kind of "homework" she does or why she can't do it in her own fucking house, but anyway, here's the point:
Isn't that a bizarrely intrusive request to make of someone you don't really know? I mean, really? Why don't I just give you the passwords to my bank account and email and you can just feel free to browse through those any time you want? Or maybe you'll just go Single White Female on us and change our password and lock us out of the network. Anyway, it's fucking weird, isn't it? I can't fathom asking someone I don't know something like that.
So I didn't really know how to react to this insane request and mumbled something about how it's a secure network and she goes "Well, I assume everyone has a secure network." Well OK then Miss Thing! You assumed right! I don't remember exactly what I said because the whole situation was so weird and now growing oddly confrontational and I was already going away to my Happy Place instead of staying focused so the only other thing I remember was her saying something about how she'd give us some money and I was like walking away and going "I don't think so," and then I said "Thanks," for some reason but I was already halfway down the block.
I don't know. Maybe this is totally normal and you'd gladly let the Parking Space Manipulator next door glom on to your wi-fi, but I really don't want someone strolling through my Personal Shit, someone I don't even know. Is that ridiculous?
(Then I couldn't really enjoy "The Adjustment Bureau" 100% because I was thinking about this whole weird interaction. Also, I hate going to movies on opening weekend. It's always too crowded and there are people wandering in 5 minutes after the start time and bumping around trying to find a place to sit and the whole thing's just annoying.)
ANYWAY.
UPDATE!!!!!!!!: Leslie might be in the running for Comment of the Year Award:
But you can’t because there is some garage-renting pop tart streaming episodes of Gossip Girl while she hammers away at some sort of Trojan Horse Armageddon Machine intended to exact revenge on her ex-boyfriend. Is a crumpled up ten dollar bill that smells like Clinique Happy at the end of the month going to satisfy you?
The next time you want to be this funny, Leslie, why don't you do it on your own goddam blog and stop making me look lame by comparison? OKAY????
Also, Chester has some intriguing technical ideas that are so far beyond the realm of what I'm capable of that they might as well involve building a rocket ship from household cleaning products or doing open heart surgery. But thanks, Chester! Oh, and FYI, it's not my garage; it's the garage immediately next door. We share a common wall, sort of.
Regular followers are already familiar with Annoying Garage Neighbor, as I have written before about her taking up the parking spaces in front of my house that aren't even in front of her garage. Maybe she figured out that was a total dick move, because now she only monopolizes one of the spaces full-time instead of two. Anyway.
(Basic story: She started renting the garage but instead of parking a car there she hangs out there sometimes and does God knows what. Sometimes there's hammering and loud music.)
ANYWAY, yesterday The Wife and I are coming out of our house on the way to go see "The Adjustment Bureau" (not bad, but might as well wait for DVD) and Annoying Neighbor is out there and she's all "Do you guys have a wireless network?" And she had just been interrupting my enjoyment of a 48 Hours Mystery on TLC bumping her shitty disco music so I was already irritated at having to interact w/ her. I go, "Yeah," and we're heading down the stairs and she goes "I was wondering if I could get on your network so I could work on some homework while I'm over here."
First of all, I don't know what kind of "homework" she does or why she can't do it in her own fucking house, but anyway, here's the point:
Isn't that a bizarrely intrusive request to make of someone you don't really know? I mean, really? Why don't I just give you the passwords to my bank account and email and you can just feel free to browse through those any time you want? Or maybe you'll just go Single White Female on us and change our password and lock us out of the network. Anyway, it's fucking weird, isn't it? I can't fathom asking someone I don't know something like that.
So I didn't really know how to react to this insane request and mumbled something about how it's a secure network and she goes "Well, I assume everyone has a secure network." Well OK then Miss Thing! You assumed right! I don't remember exactly what I said because the whole situation was so weird and now growing oddly confrontational and I was already going away to my Happy Place instead of staying focused so the only other thing I remember was her saying something about how she'd give us some money and I was like walking away and going "I don't think so," and then I said "Thanks," for some reason but I was already halfway down the block.
I don't know. Maybe this is totally normal and you'd gladly let the Parking Space Manipulator next door glom on to your wi-fi, but I really don't want someone strolling through my Personal Shit, someone I don't even know. Is that ridiculous?
(Then I couldn't really enjoy "The Adjustment Bureau" 100% because I was thinking about this whole weird interaction. Also, I hate going to movies on opening weekend. It's always too crowded and there are people wandering in 5 minutes after the start time and bumping around trying to find a place to sit and the whole thing's just annoying.)
ANYWAY.
UPDATE!!!!!!!!: Leslie might be in the running for Comment of the Year Award:
But you can’t because there is some garage-renting pop tart streaming episodes of Gossip Girl while she hammers away at some sort of Trojan Horse Armageddon Machine intended to exact revenge on her ex-boyfriend. Is a crumpled up ten dollar bill that smells like Clinique Happy at the end of the month going to satisfy you?
The next time you want to be this funny, Leslie, why don't you do it on your own goddam blog and stop making me look lame by comparison? OKAY????
Also, Chester has some intriguing technical ideas that are so far beyond the realm of what I'm capable of that they might as well involve building a rocket ship from household cleaning products or doing open heart surgery. But thanks, Chester! Oh, and FYI, it's not my garage; it's the garage immediately next door. We share a common wall, sort of.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Today's Top 5
1. Sorry I Missed Your Party
Thanks to Squid Pro Quo for planting this little gem in her links list or I never would have known about it. Hilarious.
2. He Who Shall Not Be Named
You know who I'm talking about. He made this week WINNING, but I'm already sick of his quotes pasted on New Yorker cartoons and kittens. He has done the Full Cycle faster than anyone in human history, from the 36-hour porn party to an article entitled "Three Ways of Looking at Charlie Sheen" in record time.
(That article, humorously, contains such sentences as "He exists in what one might call a 'problem space' that is singular, novel and largely incommunicable.")
3. This:
Thanks to Squid Pro Quo for planting this little gem in her links list or I never would have known about it. Hilarious.
2. He Who Shall Not Be Named
You know who I'm talking about. He made this week WINNING, but I'm already sick of his quotes pasted on New Yorker cartoons and kittens. He has done the Full Cycle faster than anyone in human history, from the 36-hour porn party to an article entitled "Three Ways of Looking at Charlie Sheen" in record time.
(That article, humorously, contains such sentences as "He exists in what one might call a 'problem space' that is singular, novel and largely incommunicable.")
3. This:
“Martha’s cheerful kitchen, accented with bowls of fresh fruit and stainless steel appliances, has a motherfucking human skull sitting on a scale.”
Prison changes a person.
(Courtesy Roboshark, hman, and God knows who else, I can't trace Tumblr links back that far.)
4. Lundberg Santa Fe Barbeque Rice Chips
They're gluten-free. Like I could give a shit.
5. Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party
Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,
My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie. Between his three dogs and several tropical birds, things can get pretty noisy. I very much believe in "live and let live," but sometimes late at night and early in the morning, the squawking and barking can just get to be too much. What is a firm but neighborly way to let him know that his pets are causing me distress?
—Going Wild In Washington
Dear Going Wild,
Look, what is problem? You meet me, you meet Sergei, we are all friends now. Wait, hang on…please! Another drink for my new friend! Anyway, like I say, is one hour maximum drive only. I take you in my car, no problem. Is BMW five-series. We take pills on way, you feel very, very good when we arrive. Like on fire, but nice. You know? Vanya is also my friend, he is very good DJ. He is spinning best house music and we will dance all night. Best music, best pills, best girls, best champagne, everything the best. We go now, okay?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Hard-hitting Chronicle columnist tackles the Sheen story; readers yawn
Oh good! Semi-retarded[*] Chronicle columnist Debra Saunders has decided to weigh in on the Charlie Sheen thing. Last seen penning a hard-hitting interview with the Governor's dog, let's see what fresh insight that bomb-thrower Saunders brings to the Sheen story:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Debra, hold the phone for a second because you are BLOWING MY MIND. TV shows are motivated by ratings? Holy fuck, you just blew all my illusions about the entertainment business out of the water. Here I am thinking that they're all ars gratia artis and you're telling me it's ABOUT MONEY? Fuck, thank God Debra Sunders is here to clear the scales from my eyes. "Frauds." PULITZER ON LINE TWO, DEBRA.
Also, Americans don't "hate the media." Americans fucking LOVE the media. Sure, different people like different aspects of "the media" but to make a blanket statement like that is ridiculous. If Americans "hated the media," you and Charlie Sheen both would be out of a job. For one of the two of you, that would be a good thing.
More incisive commentary from Debra's thoughtful pen! So let me get this straight. You're saying that Americans enjoy watching celebrities fall? No shit!?
I'm not surprised Saunders decided to write about Charlie Sheen. It sells papers! Oh, whoops, isn't that what Saunders was decrying earlier? Never mind. Anyway, it's fine to write about it, but recycling all the same fucking tired commentary that's been said 1000 times only fills up column inches and bores the fuck out of the rest of us. If you can't think of something original to say, just leave it the fuck alone, OK?
[*] I'm not supposed to say "retarded" any more. It'll take some time. Bear with me.
This week Charlie Sheen owns network news. No wonder Americans hate the media.
In a rush for ratings, TV news shows have been clamoring for sit-downs. The goal, of course, is to get Sheen to say something nutty that makes news. But no one wants to look like a vulture, so from their high horse, interviewers try to prod the bad boy to admit that he needs help.
Frauds. They're not bottom-feeders; they dress up the package with a redeeming angle. Like: Is Charlie Sheen bipolar?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Debra, hold the phone for a second because you are BLOWING MY MIND. TV shows are motivated by ratings? Holy fuck, you just blew all my illusions about the entertainment business out of the water. Here I am thinking that they're all ars gratia artis and you're telling me it's ABOUT MONEY? Fuck, thank God Debra Sunders is here to clear the scales from my eyes. "Frauds." PULITZER ON LINE TWO, DEBRA.
Also, Americans don't "hate the media." Americans fucking LOVE the media. Sure, different people like different aspects of "the media" but to make a blanket statement like that is ridiculous. If Americans "hated the media," you and Charlie Sheen both would be out of a job. For one of the two of you, that would be a good thing.
If Sheen doesn't kill himself, you know the script: The arrest, the rehab, the contrite I'm-an-addict comeback interview, another drop-dead gorgeous wife, a new baby, a new series starring a character who is Charlie Sheen without the child support and cocaine. Big box office.
The Romans made gladiators kill each other in the circus for their entertainment. For their viewing pleasure, Americans pump up celebrities, who then misbehave in public, so that we can feel superior to them. The Romans demanded blood. Americans go for shame.
More incisive commentary from Debra's thoughtful pen! So let me get this straight. You're saying that Americans enjoy watching celebrities fall? No shit!?
I'm not surprised Saunders decided to write about Charlie Sheen. It sells papers! Oh, whoops, isn't that what Saunders was decrying earlier? Never mind. Anyway, it's fine to write about it, but recycling all the same fucking tired commentary that's been said 1000 times only fills up column inches and bores the fuck out of the rest of us. If you can't think of something original to say, just leave it the fuck alone, OK?
[*] I'm not supposed to say "retarded" any more. It'll take some time. Bear with me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Bachelor: It’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.
Nearing the Dramatic Conclusion now, and we have found ourselves in South Africa. I hope the wedding is there too! Then they can get t-shirts made that say “We Apar-Tied the Knot in South Africa!” Let’s get started with a bunch of filler. Greatest Moments of Chantal Crying. Ashley worrying because she is a normal person and gets upset that her pretend boyfriend is dating other people. Blah blah blah.
Time for some dating, South African-style! Here comes Chantal. Ohhh, girlfriend’s been stress-eating. Not a good time to hit the Sizzler, sweetie! They’re off on a safari. Not the shooting endangered animals kind, sadly. No, the look-at-the-heavily-sedated-lions kind. Brad sees a giraffe: “This is his home.” Very good, Brad! Now, what does the cow say? They have a little picnic by the river while a hippopotamus malevolently stares at them. Little do they know that this is the most dangerous animal they’ve encountered all day. For real! They start kissing as the hippo stalks them. Well, as much as a hippo can stalk anything, I guess.
Dinner and a long talk about how Important and Serious marriage is. Hey, since that last one didn’t work out, Chantal, how about marrying someone you’ve gone on 5 dates with on TV? That should be a mortal lock for Marriage Success. Chris Harrison sends a little note along and wants to know if they want to hook up in the Fantasy Suite. Chantal is on that like lion on a wildebeest. They go check it out and it’s a big open treehouse kind of thing. Like a lazy susan for predators. Anything that can climb a tree can feast on Chantal’s innards. They probably get it on but I don’t want to think about it.
Next up: Lifetime Emily. Brad picks her up on an elephant, which is the safari equivalent of a Hummer limo but doesn’t come with champagne. They cruise around for a while and then stop for a Meaningful Talk. Brad’s been thinking about Little Rickie “a lot.” CREEPY! Then they make out a little.
Dinner. All these dates are the same. They talk about feelings and whatever and then it’s time to find out if Lifetime is DTF. She says she wants to set a good example for her daughter but, what the fuck, let’s get down. Hope Little Rickie’s not watching! “Now, Little Rickie, when a man and a woman are on a reality dating show and they are provided a free room, then it’s OK to get freakay because Jesus doesn’t look at Africa.”
Ashley time! She’s her typical field-mouse-on-Adderall level of twitchiness. Helicopter ride! But Ash is scared. She has some kind of helicopophobia. Fuck, by this time, Brad could probably FLY the fucking thing, he’s been on so many goddam helicopters. Anyway, the crew sedates her or something and she gets on and they fly off to “God’s Window” which I thought was a kind of LSD but is actually a Kodak Picture Spot in Africa. Brad notes that “it’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.” Guess he’s got his Topic Sentence for his How I Spent My Vacation report all done! They have a picnic and talk about where they might live. She says maybe Southern Maine. Maybe no fucking way, Ashley!
Dinner time! Ashley tells him she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan but Brad’s not buying it. He seems more in the market for a Stay At Home Whatever than a Highly Driven Dentist. This is not going well. They head back to the Fantasy Suite and sit awkwardly next to each other. This date needs more drinking or some ecstasy or something. That usually works.
OK, let’s get this shit done. Following a content-free Pre-Rose confab with Chris Harrison, it’s time to cut someone. I think we all know what’s going to happen here. Brad goes down to the Chick Elimination Platform and tells Ash to come with him. They go back behind the hotel and one of the safari guys shoots her in the head and they sell her hide to poachers. Not really, she just gets dumped and put into the Range Rover of Tears, which is subbing for the Limo of Tears because we’re in Africa. Brad pauses for the Dramatic Head Bow Over the Railing. Since there’s 2 roses and 2 chicks, there’s not a lot of dramatic tension here. So our Final 2 are Lifetime Emily and Filthy Rich Chantal. HMMMMM SHOULD I PICK THE CHICK WHO ALREADY HAS A KID AND IS IN LOVE WITH A DEAD RACECAR DRIVER OR THE SUPER RICH ONE??? HMMMMMM.
Time for some dating, South African-style! Here comes Chantal. Ohhh, girlfriend’s been stress-eating. Not a good time to hit the Sizzler, sweetie! They’re off on a safari. Not the shooting endangered animals kind, sadly. No, the look-at-the-heavily-sedated-lions kind. Brad sees a giraffe: “This is his home.” Very good, Brad! Now, what does the cow say? They have a little picnic by the river while a hippopotamus malevolently stares at them. Little do they know that this is the most dangerous animal they’ve encountered all day. For real! They start kissing as the hippo stalks them. Well, as much as a hippo can stalk anything, I guess.
Dinner and a long talk about how Important and Serious marriage is. Hey, since that last one didn’t work out, Chantal, how about marrying someone you’ve gone on 5 dates with on TV? That should be a mortal lock for Marriage Success. Chris Harrison sends a little note along and wants to know if they want to hook up in the Fantasy Suite. Chantal is on that like lion on a wildebeest. They go check it out and it’s a big open treehouse kind of thing. Like a lazy susan for predators. Anything that can climb a tree can feast on Chantal’s innards. They probably get it on but I don’t want to think about it.
Next up: Lifetime Emily. Brad picks her up on an elephant, which is the safari equivalent of a Hummer limo but doesn’t come with champagne. They cruise around for a while and then stop for a Meaningful Talk. Brad’s been thinking about Little Rickie “a lot.” CREEPY! Then they make out a little.
Dinner. All these dates are the same. They talk about feelings and whatever and then it’s time to find out if Lifetime is DTF. She says she wants to set a good example for her daughter but, what the fuck, let’s get down. Hope Little Rickie’s not watching! “Now, Little Rickie, when a man and a woman are on a reality dating show and they are provided a free room, then it’s OK to get freakay because Jesus doesn’t look at Africa.”
Ashley time! She’s her typical field-mouse-on-Adderall level of twitchiness. Helicopter ride! But Ash is scared. She has some kind of helicopophobia. Fuck, by this time, Brad could probably FLY the fucking thing, he’s been on so many goddam helicopters. Anyway, the crew sedates her or something and she gets on and they fly off to “God’s Window” which I thought was a kind of LSD but is actually a Kodak Picture Spot in Africa. Brad notes that “it’s a very large land full of some very exotic wild animals.” Guess he’s got his Topic Sentence for his How I Spent My Vacation report all done! They have a picnic and talk about where they might live. She says maybe Southern Maine. Maybe no fucking way, Ashley!
Dinner time! Ashley tells him she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan but Brad’s not buying it. He seems more in the market for a Stay At Home Whatever than a Highly Driven Dentist. This is not going well. They head back to the Fantasy Suite and sit awkwardly next to each other. This date needs more drinking or some ecstasy or something. That usually works.
OK, let’s get this shit done. Following a content-free Pre-Rose confab with Chris Harrison, it’s time to cut someone. I think we all know what’s going to happen here. Brad goes down to the Chick Elimination Platform and tells Ash to come with him. They go back behind the hotel and one of the safari guys shoots her in the head and they sell her hide to poachers. Not really, she just gets dumped and put into the Range Rover of Tears, which is subbing for the Limo of Tears because we’re in Africa. Brad pauses for the Dramatic Head Bow Over the Railing. Since there’s 2 roses and 2 chicks, there’s not a lot of dramatic tension here. So our Final 2 are Lifetime Emily and Filthy Rich Chantal. HMMMMM SHOULD I PICK THE CHICK WHO ALREADY HAS A KID AND IS IN LOVE WITH A DEAD RACECAR DRIVER OR THE SUPER RICH ONE??? HMMMMMM.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
