Friday, March 4, 2011

Today's Top 5

1. Sorry I Missed Your Party

Thanks to Squid Pro Quo for planting this little gem in her links list or I never would have known about it. Hilarious.

2. He Who Shall Not Be Named

You know who I'm talking about. He made this week WINNING, but I'm already sick of his quotes pasted on New Yorker cartoons and kittens. He has done the Full Cycle faster than anyone in human history, from the 36-hour porn party to an article entitled "Three Ways of Looking at Charlie Sheen" in record time.

(That article, humorously, contains such sentences as "He exists in what one might call a 'problem space' that is singular, novel and largely incommunicable.")

3. This:

“Martha’s cheerful kitchen, accented with bowls of fresh fruit and stainless steel appliances, has a motherfucking human skull sitting on a scale.”

Prison changes a person.

(Courtesy Roboshark, hman, and God knows who else, I can't trace Tumblr links back that far.)

4. Lundberg Santa Fe Barbeque Rice Chips

They're gluten-free. Like I could give a shit.

5. Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie. Between his three dogs and several tropical birds, things can get pretty noisy. I very much believe in "live and let live," but sometimes late at night and early in the morning, the squawking and barking can just get to be too much. What is a firm but neighborly way to let him know that his pets are causing me distress?

—Going Wild In Washington

Dear Going Wild,

Look, what is problem? You meet me, you meet Sergei, we are all friends now. Wait, hang on…please! Another drink for my new friend! Anyway, like I say, is one hour maximum drive only. I take you in my car, no problem. Is BMW five-series. We take pills on way, you feel very, very good when we arrive. Like on fire, but nice. You know? Vanya is also my friend, he is very good DJ. He is spinning best house music and we will dance all night. Best music, best pills, best girls, best champagne, everything the best. We go now, okay?


Tamagosan said...

But Martha's soup from the flesh on the skull was better than any of the crap they sell at The French Laundry.

Civic Center said...

Oh god, a remake of "Hannibal" with Martha Stewart as Hannibal Lecter making FBI brain soup is just what I want to see. And of course it would be better than anything at The French Laundry.