Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Your San Francisco Giants Season Preview

IT IS FINALLY FUCKING HERE. We are done fucking around with Jeff Suppan and talking about cutting Barry Zito and all that other bullshit. Now it is time to return to AT&T park with thousands of fools who never saw a game before last year, at least until they get into a long losing streak in July and go "Hey, this game is boring" and go back to watching WWE or working on their lawns or whatever. Let's take a look at the season.

3/31 @ LAD Motherfucking opening day. Somehow ESPN fucked this up because the Yankees or Red Sox aren't involved in their special Pre Opening Day Extravanaganza. Crack News Team Matier and Ross over at the Chronicle warn us that if you're traveling to LA for the game, don't reach into the bullpen and grab the cap off a Dodger pitcher's head like this fucking douchebag did or you'll get in big trouble. Like, WTF dude? Anyway, I will be at a bar at an undisclosed location watching this with my Trusted Associates.

4/11 LAD Magnet Schedule Day. First game I'm going to this year. I am ALL ABOUT Magnet Schedule Day. I missed it last year because we were out of town and I was kinda heartbroken.

4/28 @ PIT This game starts at 9:35 a.m. our time? Really? Sounds like a good excuse to take a day off work and get bloodies at Clooney's for the game. Oh, you know what might be fun? We should go to Sutter Station instead and laugh at the proletariat as we sip our cocktails on a Thursday morning. GET BENT SUCKERS!!!

5/20-23 OAK The Bay Bridge Series is fun but it's also kind of a pain in the ass because there are a bunch of A's fans running around and you know what A's fans like to do more than anything? Tell you about how they're real fans you're just a bunch of wine-sipping snobs even though every time I go to an A's game there are about 5,000 people there and most of them are talking through the whole game and smoking meth in the seats and yammering about $1 hot dogs so you know what? This thing about A's fans being quote real fans unquote? Is horseshit.

6/6 WAS Here's where we separate the wheat from the chaff. Monday night in June against the fucking NATIONALS. OK, big boy, are you a fan or are you just here to wear a Panda hat? Get your ass out here on a freezing Monday night in June and we'll talk.

7/4 SD July 4 games are fun, and this one starts, oddly, at 2:05, although I kinda like that start time because you can go to brunch late-ish and still make it in plenty of time. So, yes to 2:05 games.

7/15 NYM I'm going to this game too.

Ask me about my Miracle Weight-Loss Secret!

8/23-31 SD, HOU, CHC August has a 10-game homestand (8/1-10) and this 9-game homestand. By now, we'll have an idea of where the Giants are headed this year. The Cubs series (8/29-31) could be huge. Or maybe not! What do I look like, a psychic? OK, there will also be a massive earthquake on August 10. There you go.

9/28 COL There are only 12 home games in September, so get your tickets now. We close with a homestand against Colorado that could either be electrifying or a complete charade. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and call it now. Playoffs at the least, and probably make it to the NLCS. If they repeat, I am naming my first son Cody Buster Panda Freak. Unless somebody else has already taken that.


troymccluresf said...

"This thing about A's fans being quote real fans unquote? Is horseshit."

Some of them are. I've seen them. And seriously, look at that dump they play in.

That said, that fucking glee club in the left field stands are the biggest bunch of yutzes I've ever seen. And I've gone to games in Anaheim. They came to AT&T a few years ago and they spend- no shit- the ENTIRE game doing that stupid choreography, dancing around, chanting, drumming, NOT WATCHING BASEBALL.

Real A's fans are out there, but if those goobers are held up as the example, I immediately dismiss the claimant.

TK said...

Point taken. Maybe I phrased that the wrong way. What I was trying to say is that the way A's fans always claim to be better fans than Giants fans is horseshit.

troymccluresf said...

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean that to be as much of a disagreement as it ended up being.

Skance said...

You missed the 08/05-08/07 home stand against PHI which will be pretty sweet against the major competition in the AL. After the All-Star break and the rubber will be hitting the road in the playoff race. Should be a good one.

I happen to know that also coincides with a very important celebratory date for your wife and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to get a diamond screen message proclaiming your love for her, while not downplaying her love for Pat Burrell. May I suggest "Happy Birthday, wifey. Pat Burrell's on your 5, and I love you so much you have my blessing. Pat, CL228 F2". Or you know, something like that.

YAY Baseball!

generic said...

If you whittled SF down to their last 5k Giants fans you'd have some pretty odd dregs, too.

I worked at the A's games for two years. Shudder.

Skance said...

Oops. Shnap. I meant NL. Natch. I know we're both in the NL. Really I do.

Stoney said...

It's kind of funny that A's fans look down at Giants fans and Giants fans look down at bandwagon Giants fans. Baseball is supposed to be for everyone (who can afford it).

Just remember. Those bandwagoneers are going to pay some players' salaries. It's a necessary evil. Like the tourists who take BART but don't know which side of the escalator is for standing and which side is for walking. "Thank you for the revenue. Now please go away."

Anonymous said...

My husband is both an A's fan and a Giants fan. He looks down on himself. It's really sad.

Anonymous said...

I'd pay good money to get a TK color commentary soundtrack over a game. Kind of MST3K-esque. (Superimposing the back of your head would be optional.)

Or better yet, live commentary on any Fox Sports commentary.

Tamagosan said...

I'd say the walk-off win against Oakland right now is the right way to get warmed up! I have one day to figure out who all this new pitching staff is. It was so much easier when we could just focus on the hitting, but yeah, well...

This season's going to be different for shizz. I'm starting it off in Guam, which was the key to us winning the Series last year of course, so that's a good thing. And we have a crazy big TV projector thing (that I was supposed to have for the Series, but we're not going there), so I'm not overly jealous of my bro and pops going to the home opener without me. NOT AT ALL.

And the time change means that most games are on in the morning here, so we'll just see how well I can churn out translations while the game's on. Luckily, I won't be distracted by well-crafted language by the Fox schmucks assuming they're airing it tomorrow oh my god I have to check the cable schedule...

BTW, LOVE those freezing Monday-night-in-summer games. Just you, your imported burrito/whiskey dinner and your sports section.

@thesoniashow: HA! @burritojustice: Yes and yes!


robin said...

Cody Buster Panda Freak? Dammnit, you stole my idea!

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