Friday, September 27, 2013

KTVU "Noe Valley Dream Home" is actually NIGHTMARE HOME, get it?

Huh, I didn't know that KTVU had a "Dream Home" feature on their website but I guess they do.  With a video and everything!  This week's Dream Home is in Noe Valley and it is uglier than one of those "Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong!" listicles that I'm always afraid to click on.

Look at this shit:

Oh my fucking God my eyes hurt.  What the fuck did you do, just randomly stack a bunch of boxes together and go "Well, that should about do 'er! Let's grab some lunch." Jesus Christ, I've seen better-looking housing made out of refrigerator boxes and baling wire.

What do we have here?

Oh look, somebody took the garage door off and stuck some cheap-ass patio furniture in there!  It goes well with the astroturf "yard".  Good thing they left the original low ceiling.  This is perfect for entertaining, if all your friends are little people.

There's gotta be a gourmet kitchen, right?

Oh Jesus.  Well, if you ever want to remember your childhood from the 1970's, I guess this kitchen will really take you back.  The tiger-stripe marble is a great help in preparing perfectly straight julienne fries.

You know Uncle Ramrod hasn't really felt comfortable fitting back into society since he finished up his bit at Folsom.  Well, the back deck should take him right back to the good old days.

It helps if you station little Tyler in the upstairs window with a shotgun.  30 minutes a day, remember!

It should be no surprise, BTW, that this offense to aesthetics is listed at $1,835,000.  For the soon-to-be-tech-millionaire in your life who thinks putting on the good Birkenstocks is dressing up.


Tamagosan said...

I'm pretty sure this is a joke. Right? Right?? Wow, and I like marble and that block of 27th.

I feel like the production on the video was a bit too shoddy, since they couldn't had any budgetary restrictions here... Even at a 3% split commission, that's $55k+.

TK said...

I didn't even get into the staging. Horrible.

Civic Center said...

All goodness and happiness in the world has vanished thanks to this post. I hope that makes you happy.

Alissa said...

Whatever, I'd live there.

Rachel said...

I'd take the cash...

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