Thursday, September 26, 2013

Chanson de Sir Larry's Boat Thing

Gather round children and hear as I sing
The tale of Sir Larry and his Sailboat Thing
Sir Larry had money, power and stock
But most people thought he was kind of a cock
"I'll show these peasants," Sir Larry announced.
"I'll give them a boat race nobody wants!"

He bullied the king and paid off the gentry
And said that his race would be the Thing of the Century
Young Lord Gavin bought into this shit
And committed the kingdom to shell out for it
Finding competitors proved to be tough
Just being around Sir Larry was rough

Finally the Kiwis answered his ring
And said they would race in Sir Larry's boat thing
The challenge accepted, the race it was on
But the people responded with a collective yawn
"We're sorry Sir Larry, we really don't care;
"It's not like you've got the 49ers out there"

"SILENCE!," Sir Larry thundered at them
"This will be the biggest thing since IBM.
"Wait til you see my spaceship-like boat
"It's literally the coolest thing ever to float."
"Whatever," said the citizenry, visibly bored.
"Call us when you've got Kate Upton aboard."

The racing began with Sir Larry down two points to none
"Cheating?!" he cried, "Isn't that just how it's done?"
Soon the Kiwis had gone up eight to one
"If this shit keep up," said Larry, "I'll block out the sun!"
And so as the Kiwis cruised to the win with ease
Sir Larry cackled, "I'll shut down the breeze!"

Then Sir Larry's team piled up win after win
Timely rule changes, again and again
Virtually ensured that Sir Larry's crew, brave and stout
Would, from their asses, a victory pull out
And as Larry sailed off on a tide of champagne and wine,
"Thanks, suckers!" he cried, "See you next time!"


Anonymous said...

"Would, from their asses, a victory pull out"

Just brilliant. Every line is a poetic miracle.

GG said...

What he said.

GG said...

What he said.

Unknown said...

Spot on brilliant! Thank you!

Tamagosan said...


My personal favorite line
would be "a tide of champagne and wine".

Mingalingadingdong said...

Genius. One of the best things I've ever read. Ever.

TK said...

Thanks everyone! That's very nice of you.

Anonymous said...

Really good. Have you sent it to any of the local papers or Huufington Post? It deserves wider readership.

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