Types of annoying people RANKED

Types of annoying people RANKED
— Cuhsandra (@Cuhsandra) October 7, 2014

OK.

28. Obviously fake name at Starbucks

27. Three abreast walkers

26. Bad tippers

25. Burning Man people who are super into being Burning Man people

24. People who don't give up their seats to the elderly or the pregnant or the disabled or someone holding a small child on public transit

23. No turn signal

22. Clerks who turn bills so they all face the same way before completing a transaction

21. Boston Red Sox fans

20. People who order five sandwiches in the deli line

19. People who constantly quote movie lines instead of having their own sense of humor

18. Weekend sports anchors

17. Relatives on Facebook who only post crazy right-wing crackpot stuff

16.  Bicyclists on the sidewalk

15. Loud bros

14. Takes way too long at the ATM

13. "I don't own a TV"

12. Has very specific diet; wants to make sure you know all about the diet and what they can and can't eat

11. Kid Rock

10. SFGate commenters

9. People who stand on the left side of the escalator

8. Teens

7. Sidewalk clipboard fundraisers

6. People who date your ex

5. Dudes who obviously ogle women and catcall and shit like that

4. Responds to lengthy text asking a question with "K"

3. People who leave voicemails

2. Loud cell phone talkers

1. Everybody else in general

The Bars that Time Forgot, an occasional series, vol IV: The Jack's empire

Today's TBTTF is a little different because we're not talking about just one bar, but a whole chain of bars that used to dot the city.  When I first got here in 1990 there were at least 6 of them and there may have been more before then.  I'm assuming that there was a real "Jack" who opened the ur-Jack's at some point and then his empire grew and grew but I don't know for sure.

Here's an ad from a 1994 SF Weekly:

As you can see, six bars are listed there.  I did some research and by research I mean Googling for 10 minutes and here's what we've learned:

Jack's Bar - Maybe the flagship?  Who knows.  It was at 1601 Fillmore and is now the Boom Boom Room.  I can remember going there when it was still Jack's.  According to "Historic Walks in San Francisco: 18 Trails Through the City's Past," Jack's originally opened in 1933 on Sutter and was the first bar in the area to cater to African-Americans.  Pretty cool.  When I went there it seemed like it catered mostly to drunk white boys like myself.  I remember a lot of taps?  Was that their thing?  Maybe.

Jack's Cable Car - at 1548 California, now the horribly-named "Soda Popinski's."  In the interim it was apparently at some point called "California Dream'n," as referenced in this SF Weekly piece that notes that the Jack's Cable Car sign is still out front.

via SF Weekly, natch

Jack's Red Bear - 1176 Sutter, where R Bar is now.  I have no memory of this ever being Jack's Red Bear!  Prior to R Bar, the space was An Sibin, a DJ bar back when there were "DJ bars."  Again, SF Weekly proves helpful by informing us that before it was An Sibin it was Mulligan's so who knows when the Red Bear bit the dust.

Jack's Elixir - is now, unsurprisingly, Elixir, at the corner of 16th and Guerrero.  According to Elixir's own website, it was a Jack's only from 1990 to 1998.  I can definitely remember coming here when it was a Jack's.

Jack's Taps - This is the one that blew me away.  At 1300 Church (at 25th), it's now a "Purely Physical Fitness," which I guess is the opposite of a bar.  Walking by there, there is no indication that it used to be a bar.  I had no idea.

Jack's Presidio - Well, I guess this one surprised me too.  3490 California, now a UCSF Primary Care center, which I guess is just as opposite of a bar as a gym.  I have no memory of ever hearing anything about Jack's Presidio, but apparently it was a bar as late as 1994.  Street view for 3490 California gives no hint:

Based on that picture (which looks like it could be in Anytown, CA, BTW), I would say the building housing Jack's Presidio has long since been demolished.

So that's about it.  I have this feeling there has to be a much better history of the Jack's chain of bars somewhere so if you know where that is, please point me to it.  It's kind of amazing that this whole chain just disappeared without a trace.

(Postscript: I have no idea if Jack's Cannery Bar is a holdout or is in any way related to the original Jack's chain. I kind of doubt it but I could be wrong.)

UPDATE!!!!!  Reader Stephen has reminded us that the current home of Emperor Norton's Boozeland (which is a fine bar in its own right and worth a visit for the $3 Anchor California Lager on tap alone [but that might just be for happy hour]) used to be Jack's Deco and then just Deco.  In fact, if you had the magical ability to see to the left and right of the ad pictured at top, you'd see the next door neighbor ad on the left is for the uni-named "Deco," indicating that Jack had already left the building,  Thanks, Stephen!

FURTHER UPDATE!!!!  Another helpful reader writes in with memories about the mysterious Jack's Presidio:

Re Jack's Presidio location:  I have lived in LH since 1986.  The picture you have on your web site shows a mixed-use building with apartments, Charles Schwab, a high-end sandwich place, etc.  Before that building, however, there was a big diner called the Sugar Plum, which was a much larger version of the Zim's and Miz Browne's Feed Bag diners across the street in Laurel Village.  It had a small cocktail lounge built inside it.

Yes, at one time there were three diners in the hood, and now there are none.  But we do have an eatery with the ridiculously precious name Beautifull!, which sells yuppie catnip at stoopid prices.

Anyway, sometime circa the early 1990s, the Jack's Bars began to explode throughout the city, grabbing on to the early microbrew explosion in SF, which began in the mid-1980s.  From my memory, the Jack in the Mission was the first one, with all other ones branching off from that...but my memory only goes back to 1984, when I moved here.

So, the small cocktail lounge was replaced by a Jack's branch.  Absolutely nothing was done to the interior to modify or upgrade it.  It was still a hole-in-the-wall, just with a better beer selection.  It offered the nice opportunity to do a beer "runner" between that location and the Pig and Whistle, which opened up a Geary/Laurel circa the early 1990s.  Jack's Presidio only stayed open a few years, though, maybe 2-3.

This Kickstarter looks pretty cool, actually

I get a lot of emails asking me to promote things on my blog because (1) people mistakenly think I have some huge reach and am totally influential when I'm really just an elaborate newsletter for drunk cranks; and (2) I forgot what 2 was.  Mostly 1.  Most of these emails I just ignore, but I'm making an exception because this one actually looks pretty cool.

Local publisher Last Gasp books is having a Kickstarter for their fall publishing season and I am all about supporting the arts, especially when the arts includes "Beyond the Dark Veil," a "compilation of extraordinary and haunting photographs documenting the practice of death and mourning photography in the Victorian Era and early 20th century" or the "Fetish Coloring Book," which looks extremely dirty.

And here's the thing: a lot of Kickstarters have bullshit rewards like "OUR EVERLASTING THANKS!!! :)" or "Your name on the Memory Wall on our website which No One will ever look at!!!!!" but you actually get shit when you donate to Last Gasp.  Even as low as $15, you get one of two books.  For $25, you can get the dead people book or a t-shirt or even a tote bag like they're KQED or something.  This all sounds like a pretty good deal.

For $500 you can get a "Night out in North Beach with Ron" but I'll need more information on "Ron" and what a "Night Out" might include before I'd take a flyer on that one.

Anyway, I have never before pimped someone's Kickstarter but this sounds legit to me.  At least go look at the prizes & shit.

Few things

Obviously, I was wrong about the Royals when I said they would get beat up by the Angels.  Naturally, they swept the Angels in three games so yay, that means either the Royals or the Orioles are going to be in the World Series.  You know what we want from a World Series?  Just a little fucking VARIETY, that's all.  In the last 10 years, the Cardinals have been in it 4 times, the Red Sox 3 times, and the Rangers and Tigers and Yankees and Phillies twice.  Shake it up a little.

Oh, and the Giants twice too, but we don't count that.

FRIDAY I went to Hardly Strictly Bluegrass after/towards the end of the Giants game.  It was SO FUCKING HOT.  We started out in a spot in the shade but we were behind a group of assholes that:

1. Laid out a huge tarp and chairs and then disappeared for long stretches;
2. Included a guy my age with a soul patch and one of those stupid ugly stylized sun tattoos on his upper arm;
3. Who kept offering a bottle of tequila to the others by screaming "HORNITOS" in a fake Spanish accent;
4. Talked continuously and loudly through each and every song.

After about 20 minutes, I had enough of DJ Fakey Spanish Accent and the Party Patrol and so we moved over to the extreme left edge of the stage where there was plenty of room and people were much quieter.  That's where we were for Ryan Adams' set.

He was good!  He played a lot of stuff from his new album, which isn't that great, and then made a curious decision to play "New York, New York," one of his more upbeat rockers, in a strangely mellow and muted way, but overall did a good job.  You always hear stories about how he's a total dick at concerts and berates the audience for not paying attention and demands complete silence but he was charming and witty and engaging on stage this time, complete with semi-funny banter and the whole nine.  So good going with that, Ryan.

Do you like podcasts?  I like podcasts.  And there is a great new podcast from the producers of the ur-podcast, This American Life, called "Serial" and let me tell you, if you are a Dateline/48 Hours junkie like we are, you will be into this.  It's a true crime story spun out one hour at a time and so far (2 episodes in) it is fascinating and gripping and everything else -ing.

That reminds me - I keep meaning to talk about how much we're into Dateline & 48 Hours true crime shows.  I'm hoping someday they will discuss these on TV on the Radio, the radio show about TV on BFF.FM every Sunday morning at 10.  It's a great show and entertaining and funny and you should all be listening to it.  In the interest of full disclosure, I'm probably married to one of the hosts.

Speaking of BFF.FM, I'm going to be on Burrito Justice Radio tomorrow from noon to 2.  We're going to talk about music and history and baseball and probably other things too.  Tune in.

Baseball is life

This season the Oakland A's baseball club spent most of the season wildly outperforming everyone's expectations.  Their payroll was comparable to that of an insurance office or a mid-sized In N Out, but they just kept winning games.  Until it got towards the end of the season and they got tired and then they just lost and lost.  The Oakland A's bumped up against the glass ceiling.  They were the true, gritty American story of pulling yourself out of poverty and rising in the company only to stall out because you didn't go to Harvard.

In the end, they had to play one more game, just for the right to play in the postseason.  They played against the Kansas City Royals.  The Kansas City Royals have been down so long they don't know what up is.  They haven't been to the playoffs since Kurt Cobain was 18 years old.  The Royals are Wal-Mart employees who can never get benefits because they keep getting scheduled for 37 hours a week.  They are hoping for a raise to $8.50.

This game the A's and Royals played was exciting but sad because you desperately wanted both very sad teams to win.  At the beginning the A's were ahead a lot and then the Royals came back and then it was tied for a long time and then the Royals won.  The A's will never make vice president.  They will be Regional Sales Manager forever.  Meanwhile, the Royals just won a free trip to Disneyland but no one has told them that the Angels are waiting to mug them at Disneyland and take their Nikon CoolPix and their iPad and they will go back to the Kansas City Wal-Mart with nothing.

The San Francisco Giants come from money and have been given every chance to succeed and succeed they have.  They won the yacht race in 2010 and 2012 and everything looked good this year until they tripped over their wife's Gucci crocodile shoulder bag and hurt themselves.  Things got dicey the rest of the year and wouldn't you know it, they had to play one game just to get to go on too.  Just like the A's!

The Giants would be playing the Pittsburgh Pirates.  The Pittsburgh Pirates are the Pittsburgh of baseball teams.  They had good years in the past but then everything went to shit for a long time but no maybe there's some kind of renaissance going on?  Hipsters are moving downtown?  Is there a pedestrian mall?  Yes, there's a pedestrian mall.  The Pirates were in the playoffs last year while the Giants played golf on the Big Island.

Poor Pittsburgh thought this was going to be part of the Pittsburghaissance but no.  Madison Bumgarner is a coolly efficient killing machine and he destroyed their plans.  He foreclosed on the pedestrian mall and shut down the radical art space and then burned the historic meeting hall just for the fuck of it.  He celebrated like the Romans did after they leveled Carthage and sowed the soil with salt so nothing would ever grow there again.

Baseball is life.  Most of the time, you lose.  If you're lucky and rich you might win.  It also helps not to get hurt.

I was going to close by saying that the Giants, despite their wealth and power, have zero chance against the Washington Nationals, a frightening team loaded with hitting and pitching and other good baseball things, but, just as in life, never underestimate the ability of rich people to get what they want in Washington.

Shall I Compare Thee to a GrubHub.com: Shakespeare's lost app sonnets

Hark! My raiments rest in shoddy pile
Washing them is not worthwhile
A mighty colossus such as me
Hath no time to bother with drab laundry
Upon my smartphone I shall depose
Some luckless sap to wash my clothes
Washio it seems is the poor man’s name
Collecting my breeches be his game
What happens then I know not
Preoccupied by more important thought
I do know that in a few days’ time
My tunic’s returned in condition prime
For this, I am charged a reasonable fee
I am become the lord of all laundry!
I suppose the matter of making a dime
Is something Washio will work out in time.

I stumbled frantic down the lane

Past shelter unwelcome and profane

“Hark!” I cry, “I just need a spot

“To sit and gather up my thought.

I want neither office nor abode

Just a squat with chair and commode.”

Whilst searching through the iTunes store

My eyes lit upon a major score

“Breather!” my hungry eyes devoured

“Renting rooms by the hour!”

No longer the domain of hotels sleazy

Now copping a room is Internet-easy

Wink wink nudge nudge now you be nice

You shan’t corrupt your room with sin or vice

“Sure thing, Breather,” I commend

Whilst entering room with my lady friend

Such sweet business we will conduct!

Breather cleaning crew, sorry, you’re fucked.

What sweet sounds drift from above?

Is it the voice of the one I love?

Ah! Look, here upon the iPhone screen

A booty text from my sweet colleen

But she is in the Mission though

And I atop shining Potrero

But my phone bestows on us a gift:

Some Prius-driving dork from Lyft 

Into this stranger’s carriage I slip

And pray he speaks not this whole trip

It’s like a cab, but sketchier so

Who needs workers compensation though?

Forward! Advance, sharing economy!

To my lover hurry me!

And if I should die lest he be running late

I pray for my heirs to litigate.

One eve a lover whom I sent my nudes

Fell ill with a serious case of the rudes

Posting my privates far and wide

Driving me nearly to ex-icide

If only there was some way to share

Pics that would vanish into the air.

Aha! Snapchat offers features free

They claim doth protect my privacy

Don’t speak to me of screencaps or hacks

I want to believe my pics free of attack

A simpleton, I am comforted so

By the founder, a raging Stanford bro

And soon I am sure th’ love of my eyes

Will be a means to advertise.

Look at these fucking Dodger fans

This is Billy.  He just got out of prison after doing a bit for dealing meth.  He's clean now. His parole officer (on the right) decided to take him to a game.  Afterwards they'll stop at Pinkberry and Billy will idly wonder how much money they keep in the cash register at Pinkberry.

This is Dick Unterman.  He's a professional Paul Shaffer impersonator.  It's not a very lucrative gig.

The man in the middle of the frame is Salman Rushdie.

These men are Robert and Larry.  They're cousins.  Robert produced Attack of the Spider Woman in 1976.  It didn't do very well.  Robert and Larry decided to grow matching beards to try and bring some interest into their otherwise void and meaningless lives.

This is Betty.  She is a paranoid schizophrenic.  She believes that she can fashion her hands into special binoculars that let her see into people's souls.  Her daughter (right) is looking for her medication.

You can't see Charlene right now because she's in her blanket fort.  She's safe in her blanket fort and no one can bother her there.